Strengthening Social Safety For Women in Society
We talk a lot about women’s safety, but I think we need to broaden the conversation about what safety actually means.
When we talk about violence against women, the conversation often focuses on what happens when a woman is already in danger. Of course, protection and specialist support are essential, but I also believe we need to think about what happens before a crisis, and what happens afterwards.
What does a woman’s wider social environment look like? Does she have people around her who know her well enough to notice when something isn’t right? Does she have somewhere she can go? Does she have friendships that make her feel stronger rather than smaller? Does she trust herself enough to recognise when a relationship or situation doesn’t feel right?
Domestic abuse is still something I don’t think we talk about enough in everyday society. In England and Wales, around 3.8 million people experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2025. Behind statistics like this are women navigating experiences that can be incredibly difficult to explain to somebody who has never experienced them. Abuse isn’t always visible. It can involve coercive control, emotional manipulation, intimidation, financial control, isolation and a gradual erosion of someone’s connection, confidence and autonomy.
This is part of what makes leaving so complicated. We sometimes talk about leaving an abusive relationship as though it is simply a decision: “If you know it isn’t healthy, why don’t you leave?” There can be love alongside fear, hope alongside dysregulation, and a deep attachment alongside the knowledge that something isn’t right.
A woman may know that she deserves something different while simultaneously feeling terrified about what life will look like without the relationship. This is why I believe social connection needs to be part of the conversation around women’s safety. Social connection can reduce isolation and give women more opportunities to seek support, gain perspective and rebuild their lives. Having people around us who know us, care about us and can gently say, “I’m not sure that sounds healthy,” can be incredibly powerful. Sometimes we don’t need somebody to give us advice. We need somebody to help us hear ourselves.
What happens when a woman is trying to rebuild her life?
A woman’s nervous system doesn’t automatically understand that she is safe simply because the relationship has ended. If she has spent a long time living with unpredictability, control, criticism or intimidation, she may continue to feel highly alert to what is happening around her.
She may find it difficult to relax around other people. She may feel uncomfortable in unfamiliar social situations. She may want to reconnect with society but feel unsure about where she belongs.
A woman might go out to a bar or nightclub and experience unwanted attention. Someone may continue after she has said no. Someone may pressure her. Someone may try to guilt her into feeling bad for having boundaries. For somebody who is already trying to rebuild a sense of safety and trust, these experiences can be deeply unsettling.
This is why I believe we need to think about socially safe spaces for women.
Imagine having somewhere you could go where you didn’t have to monitor everyone around you? Somewhere you could meet other women, talk, laugh, learn something new and simply relax. Somewhere you knew that if a boundary was crossed, the people around you would understand what was happening and support you.
That is what I mean by social safety. Places where you can go that have zero-tolerance with harassment.
We need to strengthen women’s support networks
One of the things I find particularly important is the relationship between isolation and vulnerability.
When a woman has a strong network of friends, family, colleagues and community connections, she has more opportunities to experience different perspectives and forms of support. When that network becomes very small, one relationship can begin to occupy an enormous amount of emotional space.
This is particularly significant when that relationship is unhealthy. If someone doesn’t have many people to turn to, leaving can feel like losing the only person they have. Even if the relationship is causing harm, the thought of being alone can feel frightening. This doesn’t mean that women with strong support networks cannot experience abuse, or that women with small networks are somehow responsible for their vulnerability.
I believe we should be investing in women’s communities before women reach crisis point
We need places where women can make friends, develop confidence, talk about difficult experiences, learn about relationships and simply experience belonging.
But many women have complicated experiences of female friendship. For some girls, school can be one of their first experiences of social rejection. They may experience bullying, rumours, exclusion, comparison or friendship groups turning against them.
Being ostracised can leave a lasting emotional imprint. A girl can learn that belonging is conditional and that if she is too different, too confident or simply not part of the right group, she might be rejected.
A woman who was excluded by other girls may carry a fear of being excluded into adult friendships. And sometimes women do compete with each other. Women can feel threatened by another woman’s confidence or success rather than celebrating it.
I think we can consciously create a different culture. We can create spaces where women don’t have to compete for support or belonging. We can create friendships where another woman’s success doesn’t diminish our own. We can learn to celebrate each other, support each other and be genuinely happy when another woman is doing well.
Many women are longing for this. They want friendships where they don’t have to perform. They want to be able to say, “I’m struggling,” without feeling ashamed. They want women around them who will encourage them rather than compare themselves to them.
I believe women are stronger together, and that sisterhood can be part of how we build social and emotional resilience and reduce isolation.
We may intuitively know a relationship isn’t good for us, but struggle to let go
As an IFS practitioner for the past five years, I have worked with women who are struggling to let go of unhealthy relationships, who experience people-pleasing tendencies.
One of the things I have come to understand is that we intuitively might know a relationship isn’t good for us. A woman might know that her relationship isn’t healthy. She might recognise that her partner doesn’t respect her autonomy. She might notice a power dynamic. She might feel herself becoming more isolated in a relationship. She might have an inner voice telling her that something is wrong.
And yet she may still struggle to leave, set a boundary or trust her own judgement. And when a woman has grown up in unsupportive environments where boundaries wern’t respected and she grew up with controlling and unsupportive parents, she may struggle to set boundaries.
Often women are grown up to be people pleasers and be nice and pleasant to others and complicity but not have their own autonomy.
For those who have experienced this, resonate with IFS therapy and how we devleop parts in response to difficult experiences in life.
There might be a people-pleasing part that wants to keep the peace.
There might be a part that becomes emotionally invested very quickly and loses touch with their own friendships, interests and routines.
There might be a part carrying shame from earlier experiences, and another part that constantly doubts itself.
There may even be a part that feels pressured to do something they don’t want to do and is complicit.
These parts aren’t necessarily broken. Often, they developed because they were trying to help us survive or belong.
Developing self-trust and discernment
I believe women need spaces where they can strengthen their relationship with themselves.
That means exploring self-worth, boundaries, assertiveness, emotional regulation, self-trust and relationship discernment.
We need to be able to recognise when we are abandoning ourselves to keep somebody else happy. We need to notice when guilt or shame is influencing our decisions. We need to become more honest with ourselves about another person’s capacity to respect us.
Our bodies can also give us information. Sometimes we notice tension, numbness, a feeling of wanting to leave or a sense that we are becoming smaller around someone before our conscious mind has fully understood what is happening. These sensations aren’t automatically evidence that someone is unsafe, but they can be an invitation to pause and become curious rather than immediately overriding ourselves.
For many women, learning to listen to themselves again can be a powerful part of rebuilding self-trust.
Sisterhood Space
This is the thinking behind Sisterhood Space, a women’s IFS personal growth group to listen to ourselves and built self-trust.
I want it to be a space where women can explore the parts of themselves that may be struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing, self-worth, attachment, relationships and letting go.
We can learn from one another. We can hear another woman’s experience and realise that we aren’t the only person who has struggled with something. We can develop friendships and connections that exist outside of romantic relationships. We can experience what it feels like to be around women who are genuinely interested in supporting rather than competing with us.
The first Sisterhood Space session will focus on “The Parts That Struggle to Let Go.”
Detaching from an unhealthy relationship can be particularly difficult when there are complicated dynamics of attachment, loyalty, guilt, hope, power and control.
There can be a part that reminds us that we are free and that it’s better to be free than in a controlling relationship.
IFS gives us an opportunity to become curious about them. What are they afraid of? What are they trying to protect? What do they need us to understand?
Sometimes the part that struggles to let go isn’t weak. It may simply be carrying shame and low self-worth.
Join Sisterhood Space
Every Tuesday evening I will be holding Sisterhood Space for women to connect with one another, listen to each other with self-energy in pairs and receive openness, attunement and support from other women.
If you would like more information about the IFS personal growth group for women in Newcastle, please send me a WhatsApp message (on the bottom right corner of the screen) with the words “sisterhood space” with your name, number and email address so I can send more information about signing up and invite you into the Whatsapp group.
Looking forward to inviting you to the group
Vicky 🙂