“I’d Rather Pay My Own Bills Than Be With a Man Who Can’t”

I saw this quote and it resonated.

Some people say social media has made men and women more divided, and that it’s a problem. I’d say something different: it’s helped women raise their standards. And for the men that discomfort brings up, that discomfort is usually doing exactly what it should — shedding light on weaknesses and flaws they’d rather not look at.

Men who feel threatened by personal growth, rather than valuing it, often become controlling instead of levelling up. It’s easier to control a partner than to face what her growth is asking of you.

We’re still not far from the 1960s, and there’s a long transitional period ahead before men, as a whole, become the awakened partners healthy relationships actually require. In the meantime, social media has made women more informed about the common issues they face in relationships. It’s raised awareness, created a sense of not being alone, and invited women to raise their standards and protect themselves from the emotional turbulence that comes with low-quality relationships.

My Values Aren’t 50/50

Some of you want a 50/50 relationship, and that’s valid. My values are different.

I believe financial independence matters. It protects women from relationships built on power and control.

Some of you want a 50/50 relationship, and that’s valid. My values are different.

I believe financial independence matters. It protects women from relationships built on power and control. A man’s financial independence matters too — but I’d take the whole idea of 50/50 further than that. Relationships themselves were never meant to run on an even split.

Relationships aren’t 50/50. Hormones aren’t 50/50. Feeling safe isn’t 50/50. Childbirth isn’t 50/50. PMS isn’t 50/50. Experiencing harassment isn’t 50/50. Walking home alone at night isn’t 50/50. Getting back into work after having children, or after leaving domestic abuse, isn’t 50/50 either.

Social media has empowered women to hold higher standards, so they stop staying in relationships that don’t meet them. I’ve always sought a partner who is emotionally intelligent, available, and genuinely invested in growing a healthy relationship, one built on effort, commitment, investment, and respect for my autonomy and my personal growth.

Social media has empowered women to hold higher standards, so they stop staying in relationships that don’t meet them.

If He Can’t Do the Small Things, He Can’t Do the Big Things

When a man isn’t financially stable, it often points to something underneath: a lack of emotional readiness for a relationship. He can’t take you out to dinner to make you feel valued. And if he can’t manage the small things, like making a dinner reservation, he very often can’t manage the big things either, like picking you up and driving you home when you’re having health issues.

A Relationship Is a Responsibility

A man needs to be emotionally responsible for a woman. A man has a responsibility when he is in a relationship, and a man who doesn’t want that responsibility lacks relational readiness, emotional maturity and has unaddressed issues he needs to work through in therapy. It’s a man who still wants his mother’s help.

His biggest focus is protecting the emotional health of his partner, which involves consistent communication, effort such as making reservations, and having the financial stability to do that.

How to Stop Attracting Partners Who Make You Feel Anxious or Unsupported

The key is developing relational discernment about someone’s capacity, chemistry, compatibility and character. Are they someone who is financially stable? Do they take responsibility? Are there risks? Do they have unaddressed mental health challenges?

Hurt people hurt people, and if they have unaddressed issues, this increases the risk of this not being a compatible partner you can build a life with. The question isn’t whether he has struggles. Everyone does. The question is whether he’s doing the work on them. You can be honest with yourself and ask: Am I attracted to the potential of someone?

What is the evidence this is a partner who can take on the responsibility of a partner and build a family?

What is the evidence that this person can meet my emotional needs?

If you resonate with these values in relationship, where you want your own financial independence and a partner who is also financially independent and can take responsibility for a mature relationship, then you may be a good fit for working with me in my coaching container.

What Happens With Inner Child Healing

In inner child healing we heal the part that feels anxious or abandoned, so you can create internal resolution and stop seeking partners for this resolution.

We don’t meet these parts by judgment, blame or analysing. Instead we meet them with love, openness and compassion, and create mental clarity for you to find your inner power and space to integrate capacities that create the relationships you want in your life, such as relational discernment, self trust, assertiveness, secure independence, self-prioritisation.

The nervous system doesn’t know the difference between the anxiety of a triggered inner child and the anxiety of genuine incompatibility, so until this part is healed you will keep mistaking chaos for chemistry.

Healing this part isn’t about becoming hard or guarded. It’s about no longer needing a man to complete a sense of safety you can give yourself. When the inner child is healed, you stop chasing potential, stop over explaining your worth, stop shrinking to keep the peace.

Capacities to Raise the Quality of Your Relationships

Inner child healing helps you to come back to the present.

When you heal your inner child, you stop looking to relationships to resolve what happened in your past. You take your power back and create that resolution from within, instead of seeking resolution with unhealthy partners. This is what keeps you grounded in the present instead of reacting from old wounds.

It creates the space and mental clarity you need to integrate the capacities that actually build good relationships, ones with high effort, emotional readiness, confidence and stability, without ever having to sacrifice chemistry.

These are the capacities, we can integrate emotionally, so you can rise into the woman who is supported, valued and cherished in relationship.

Self-prioritisation. Putting your needs, your peace and your standards at the centre of your own life, not as an afterthought to his. Put yourself first physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Taking it slow. Taking it slow and giving yourself in very small doses to observe patterns, boundary intelligence, relational literacy and assess evidence of consistency, high-effort, responsibility, communication, emotional regulation and relational repair etc., Taking physical intimacy slowly to prevent premature attachment and only escalate the relationship with intimacy once compatibility is established.

Relational discernment. Reading someone’s capacity, chemistry, compatibility and character clearly, before you hand over your time, your trust and escalate the relationship with more time, energy and commitment.

Receiving. Letting effort, love and care land instead of deflecting it, earning it, or immediately looking for a way to repay it. Many women are only fluent in giving. Receiving is its own capacity, and it’s often the one that needs the most rebuilding. Do less and receive more to attract better quality men.

Being the diva in the relationship, not him. You are the one who gets pursued, chosen and prioritised. The relationship centres your needs and your comfort, not his routines or readiness. Selective energy is attractive because it’s rare, and because it comes from a woman who already knows her own worth.

Patterns to Let Go Of

Growth here is about doing less, not more, and give a man the space to meet you, rather than shrinking or overextending to meet him. That means releasing:

• Accepting low effort
• Validating men and being their unpaid emotional support coach or therapist
• Over-loyalty to people who haven’t earned your trust
• Social isolation for the sake of a relationship
• Fawning
• Over-giving
• Settling
• Fixing him

You’re not here to manage a man’s growth for him. You’re here to build a life, and a relationship, that meets you where you already are and makes you feel more confident.

If he can’t rise to your standards and values, then we work on detachment, we let go of over-loyalty and we redirect your energy and focus to yourself or something else.

Start working with me

If you saw yourself in this and you’re ready to build real standards, boundaries, and discernment, I work with women 1:1 on exactly this. Comment RISE below and I’ll reach out with next steps.

How to Stop Fawning and Transform Fawning Into Boundaries

Conflict avoidant? Codependent? A people pleaser? You could be having a trauma response and not even know it.

If you tend to avoid conflict, keep everyone happy, over-accommodate, or feel responsible for other people’s emotions, you might recognize yourself in the concept of fawning. Fawning is often described as a trauma response alongside fight, flight, and freeze. It can involve appeasing, people pleasing, conflict avoidance, becoming highly attuned to other people’s emotions, or adapting ourselves to keep someone else comfortable. From the outside, these behaviors can look like kindness, empathy, flexibility, or simply being a “nice person.” But sometimes there is something deeper underneath. A part of us may have learned that keeping other people happy is the safest way to maintain connection, avoid conflict, or feel secure.

When we understand fawning as a protective response, we can begin approaching it with more compassion. Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?” we can ask, “What happened that taught this part of me that I needed to behave this way?” This moves us away from shame and toward curiosity. These behaviors may have developed for a reason and may once have helped us navigate difficult relationships. The goal isn’t to judge the part that learned these strategies, but to understand what it has been trying to accomplish. From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, we can become curious about the protective parts behind these patterns.

Fawning can begin as a way of staying connected

Children are dependent on the adults around them and don’t have the same choices, resources, or power that adults have. If a child grows up around unpredictability, criticism, neglect, emotional instability, abuse, or other difficult dynamics, they may become incredibly good at reading the room. They learn facial expressions, tone of voice, footsteps, moods, and subtle changes in someone’s behavior. They learn when it is safe to speak and when it is safer to stay quiet. They may learn to become helpful, agreeable, invisible, entertaining, or exceptionally sensitive to everyone else’s needs.

From an IFS perspective, these behaviors can be understood as protective parts doing jobs they learned a long time ago. A child might learn, “If I keep everyone happy, maybe I’ll be safe.” Another might learn, “If I don’t cause problems, maybe they won’t be angry.” Another might learn, “If I can figure out what everyone wants, I can prevent something bad from happening.” These strategies can become deeply ingrained. Years later, we may still use them automatically, even when the original circumstances are long gone.

What can fawning look like?

Fawning doesn’t always look like obvious people pleasing. It can show up as saying yes when you want to say no, avoiding difficult conversations, feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, constantly monitoring someone’s mood, or walking on eggshells. It can look like apologizing excessively, over-explaining your decisions, struggling to tolerate someone’s disappointment, or becoming especially agreeable around authority figures. It can also involve making yourself smaller so someone else doesn’t feel threatened, hiding your achievements, taking responsibility when something goes wrong, or anticipating what everyone else needs.

Sometimes fawning becomes more complicated because it isn’t simply about avoiding conflict. It can become an attempt to heal, rescue, change, or fix another person. We may stay engaged with someone because we believe that if we understand their trauma, communicate clearly enough, or love them deeply enough, they will eventually become different. We become preoccupied with their potential rather than their present behavior. Underneath this can be a younger part hoping that if we can finally get someone to change, something inside us will finally feel resolved.

When people pleasing becomes trying to fix someone

I work with clients who have fawning parts and codependent parts that try to heal, change, rescue, or fix other people. Many of these clients are incredibly self-aware, emotionally conscious, socially intuitive, and deeply committed to personal growth. They understand boundaries, have tools to regulate their emotions, and may have invested enormous amounts of time and energy into healing themselves. Yet they can still find themselves repeatedly drawn toward relationships where they are trying to change another person. This can feel confusing because they may think, “I’ve done so much healing, so why am I still doing this?”

Sometimes, when we look underneath the pattern, there is a younger part. It may be a child part who was hoping an abusive, unavailable, critical, or unpredictable parent would eventually change. That child may have believed that if they were good enough, loving enough, understanding enough, or helpful enough, the parent would finally become the person they needed. If that part remains stuck in the past, it can continue looking for the resolution it never received. Years later, it may find itself trying to create that resolution with an abusive or controlling partner.

When the past gets replayed in the present

This can become especially painful when a relationship involves controlling, jealous, volatile, coercive, or abusive behavior. Someone might repeatedly hurt us, we explain how their behavior affects us, they apologize, things improve temporarily, and then the same pattern happens again. We may start thinking that we need to communicate differently, understand their triggers better, provide more support, or become even more regulated ourselves. We may tell ourselves that they have trauma and simply need more patience.

This is where a healing part can become recruited into the fawning pattern. People who have invested deeply in their own healing can become incredibly skilled at understanding why someone behaves the way they do. We can see the wounded child underneath someone’s behavior and understand where their reactions came from. But understanding someone’s history does not require us to tolerate their behavior. Compassion does not mean taking responsibility for another person’s healing, and someone’s trauma does not make us responsible for changing them.

Seeing someone for who they are right now

One of the most important boundaries we can develop is learning to see someone based on their current behavior, rather than primarily through their potential. What are they actually doing? How do they respond when you say no? Do they respect boundaries? Do they take responsibility and repair harm? Do they consistently change their behavior, or do they repeatedly return to the same patterns? Their behavior is information, even when another part of us desperately wants to see something different.

For people with strong healer parts, this can be particularly challenging. A healer part may see someone’s potential so clearly that it becomes difficult to see their present reality. We may think, “I can see the wounded child underneath their behavior,” and that may be completely true. But another question matters too: “What are they choosing to do with their wounds?” Someone can have trauma and still be responsible for how they treat other people. We don’t have to deny someone’s humanity in order to have a boundary with them.

Creating an internal boundary

An internal boundary might sound like, “I accept that this person may not change.” This doesn’t mean we can predict the future. It means we stop making our safety, wellbeing, or choices dependent on someone else’s potential transformation. Their healing is their responsibility. Their growth is their responsibility. Their emotional regulation is their responsibility, and their behavior is their responsibility. Our healing is ours.

Sometimes we need to accept that we cannot get a different ending from the person who created the original wound. We may need to stop trying to resolve a childhood experience through an adult relationship. Instead, we can turn toward the younger parts still waiting for something to change. We can help them understand that they don’t have to keep trying to get the same resolution from another person. We can begin creating internal healing resolution rather than continually seeking external resolution from someone who may not be capable or willing to provide it.

Healing fawning parts through IFS

In IFS, we can approach these younger and protective parts with Self energy: curiosity, compassion, openness, warmth, awe, and admiration. We can become curious about what a part has been trying to accomplish and what it is still hoping will happen. We might ask, “What were you hoping would happen?” “What did you need from this person?” or “What are you still waiting for?” A younger part may still be waiting for an apology, recognition, safety, protection, or for a parent to finally become loving.

We can help these parts understand that they don’t have to keep waiting. They don’t have to get another person to change, prove themselves, or earn love by becoming more accommodating. We can also bring Self energy to the healing parts that have been working incredibly hard to help everyone else. Rather than shaming the fawning part, we can meet it with love and genuine admiration for how hard it has worked. The goal isn’t to get rid of the fawning part. It is to help it become less burdened and discover that it has choices now.

Developing assertiveness and boundaries

In IFS, we can also work with the parts that become activated around assertiveness. Maybe one part fears anger, another fears rejection, another believes saying no makes us selfish, and another believes we have to explain ourselves perfectly. Rather than forcing these parts to disappear, we can become curious about them and appreciate the jobs they have been doing. We can help them learn that adult assertiveness is not necessarily the same thing as danger.

Assertiveness isn’t aggression or being harsh. It is the capacity to stay connected to ourselves while remaining in relationship with another person. Sometimes a boundary is saying, “No, thank you,” “That doesn’t work for me,” or “I need some time to think about that.” Sometimes it is allowing someone else to be disappointed without rushing to fix their feelings. Sometimes it is creating physical distance, leaving a conversation, changing our availability, or simply believing what we are seeing. Over time, these experiences can help our parts learn that we can survive other people’s reactions.

Working with fawning and relationship patterns

I work with clients who have fawning parts, codependent parts, healing parts, rescuing parts, and younger parts that are still trying to resolve something from the past. Many are deeply self-aware, emotionally conscious, socially intuitive, boundary conscious, and committed to personal growth. Yet they may still find themselves pulled toward people they want to heal, change, rescue, or fix. Therapy can provide a space to understand why these patterns developed and help bring parts that are stuck in the past into the present.

I am also trained in domestic abuse, and this informs how I work with clients navigating partners and ex partners who have patterns of jealousy, volatile behavior, controlling behavior, coercive dynamics, and other patterns of abuse. When these dynamics are present, I help clients look at behavior as information, rather than a puzzle they have to solve. We can ask, “Who is this person being right now?” “What patterns are they continually showing me?” and “What boundaries can I create to put my emotional safety first?” This can help us move away from hoping for healing from someone else and toward creating internal healing resolution for ourselves.

Work with me 1:1

If you’d like to explore your fawning parts, people pleasing, codependent patterns, boundaries, relationship dynamics, or the younger parts underneath these patterns, you can fill out the form below to begin working with me 1:1. We can use IFS to approach these parts with curiosity rather than shame and understand what they have been trying to accomplish for you. We can explore the younger parts carrying old hopes, fears, and beliefs, while also working with the healer parts that have been trying very hard to make relationships work. Together, we can develop greater internal safety, assertiveness, boundaries, and relational discernment.

IFS retreats

If you’re interested in IFS retreats, we’ll be exploring fawning and people pleasing through a combination of somatic yoga and IFS. We’ll explore these patterns through both the body and our internal systems, with a focus on awareness, compassion, boundaries, assertiveness, and choice. If you’d like to join the IFS retreat waitlist, fill out the form below and write “retreat” so we know you’d like to be added. You don’t have to figure all of this out on your own. Sometimes healing begins by becoming curious about the part of you that has been working so hard to keep everyone else okay, and helping that part discover that you are allowed to be okay too.

What Can We Do As A Society To Reduce Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse is a major problem in the UK, with domestic-abuse-related calls to the police historically being made around every minute. But domestic abuse is not only physical violence. Coercive control can include intimidating behaviour, deliberately standing over someone or getting very close to make them feel threatened, using guilt or pressure to make someone do something they do not want to do, or sulking and becoming hostile when they say no.

Economic abuse is another form of control, where a woman may have her money, employment or access to financial resources controlled by her partner. Abuse is fundamentally about power and control, and it can gradually take away someone’s freedom and sense of self.

The effects can last for generations. Children who grow up around domestic abuse can experience trauma, anxiety, difficulties with emotional regulation and problems forming healthy relationships. They may learn that shouting, intimidation and control are normal ways of dealing with conflict because these are the behaviours they have witnessed. Survivors and children may need sustained support to process what happened, rebuild social safety and learn what healthy relationships look like.

Emotional Regulation Education

This is why emotional education needs to begin early. Anger is often the emotion we see on the surface, while underneath it can be pain, fear, shame, rejection and loneliness. Children need to learn that experiencing anger is not wrong, but hurting or controlling another person because we are angry is not acceptable.

They need to be given practical tools for processing difficult emotions before those emotions become destructive behaviour. Meditation, yoga, breathing exercises and mindfulness can help children become more aware of what they are feeling, while physical activities such as boxing, martial arts, running, football and other sports can provide healthy physical outlets for boys to deal with stress and anger. The goal is not to suppress anger, but to teach children how to recognise it, understand what is underneath it and regulate their response.

This is particularly important when people experience rejection. Rejection can trigger intense feelings of shame, inadequacy and anger, particularly in young people who have not developed a strong sense of self.

We should teach children that accepting rejection is emotional maturity and that another person’s decision does not determine their worth. They need to learn how to sit with disappointment, process hurt, talk about their feelings and move forward without retaliating or trying to control the person who rejected them.

Emotional regulation should therefore include learning how to handle jealousy, frustration, embarrassment, loneliness and rejection without turning those emotions into aggression.

Teach people their rights

Young people should learn that they have rights within every relationship: I have a right to say no. I have a right to change my mind. I have a right to my own body and boundaries. I have a right to privacy. I have a right to feel socially safe. I have a right to have socialise.

When people are informed of their rights they are more aware of their agency and autonomy and can spot the red flags of domestic abuse and seek support before it escalates.

They should also learn that these rights belong to everyone else. If someone says no, changes their mind, moves away or seems uncomfortable, we respect it. Teaching children these principles gives them the confidence to protect their own boundaries while learning that respecting other people’s boundaries is a fundamental part of healthy relationships.

Identity development in schools

Identity development is an important part of this. Schools should not focus solely on exams and academic achievement; they should also help young people understand who they are. Children need opportunities to discover their values, interests, passions, fears and ambitions and to develop hobbies, friendships and communities where they feel they belong. Sport, music, art, volunteering and other activities can give children a sense of purpose and belonging outside romantic relationships. If a young person’s entire sense of identity depends on being accepted by a romantic partner, rejection can feel devastating if they base their whole sense of worth on getting connection from one person.

When someone has a sense of self from hobbies, interests and activities, they get a sense of belonging and their whole world doesn’t crumble when someone rejects them, because they have social resilience from a support network, and emotional resilience as a result.

A stronger sense of self can help them understand that they are still valuable and have a life, community and future beyond one relationship and this reduces the likelihood of domestic violence when people have social support.

Create socially safe communities

We also need to create socially safe communities, particularly for women. Women experiencing domestic abuse are often isolated from friends and family, and some may already have experienced bullying, exclusion or a lack of community support. Safe social spaces where women can relax, build friendships and participate without unwanted sexual attention or harassment can provide an important sense of belonging. Venues should train staff to recognise and respond to harassment, while society as a whole needs to become better at recognising social cues and respecting boundaries.

Cultural shift on boundaries

This requires a wider cultural shift. Children should learn from an early age: don’t harass people, respect boundaries, don’t pressure someone who has said no, and don’t deliberately spread rumours or socially isolate someone because of jealousy or insecurity. Young people need to understand that intimacy should be paced, trust is built over time through consistent actions, and another person’s discomfort is a reason to stop rather than something to overcome.

Challenge Misogyny

We also need to challenge misogyny before it becomes normalised. Misogyny can be learned at home when children see adults using shouting, intimidation or violence rather than emotional regulation and communication.

This does not mean that children raised in these environments will inevitably become abusive, but children do learn from what they see. Schools can provide alternative models by teaching boys that strength is not about control or dominance. Boys should be encouraged to understand their emotions, seek support when they are struggling and develop healthy ways of managing anger, frustration and rejection.

We also cannot ignore the influence of misogynistic online content. Young people need to learn how to critically evaluate influencers and online communities that present women as inferior, relationships as power struggles or domination as masculinity. Education should give young people the confidence to question these messages rather than absorbing them as models for relationships.

Ultimately, reducing domestic abuse requires more than responding after violence has happened. We need to build a culture based on safety, belonging, emotional literacy, respect and healthy relationships.

We need schools that teach children who they are as well as what they can achieve, give them healthy outlets for difficult emotions, teach them how to process rejection without violence, and help them understand that anger does not give them permission to hurt or control someone else. If we can teach children to regulate their emotions, develop a strong sense of identity and respect other people’s boundaries before they enter adult relationships, we have a much greater opportunity to break cycles of abuse rather than simply trying to repair the damage afterwards.

Relational Discernment to Consciously Choose Relationships Based On Logic And Not Activation

Struggling to detach from a relationship and let go? Perhaps one part of you analyses everything. Another holds onto hope and potential. Another feels anxious, afraid of losing the connection, or terrified of being alone.

And beneath these parts, there may be a younger part still carrying the hope that this time, someone will finally become emotionally present, consistent and available.

Rather than judging these parts or forcing yourself to “just get over it,” inner child work invites you to slow down and listen.

You might ask:

What part of me is analysing?
What part of me is still hoping they will change?
What part of me is afraid to let go?
What does this part need me to understand?
Where do I notice this part in my body?

When we approach these parts with curiosity and compassion, we can begin to build a different relationship with the parts of ourselves that become activated in relationships.

Instead of continually looking to another person to resolve an old longing, we develop the capacity to meet more of that longing within ourselves.

And as these parts become less activated, there can be more space for something incredibly important:

Relational discernment.

Relational discernment is the ability to step back from the intensity of attraction, anxiety, fear, hope or attachment and assess a relationship based on what is actually happening.

Asking ourselves, is this chemistry healthy, anxious, avoidant, familiar or fantasy-driven?

Does this person have the character and capacity to build the kind of relationship I want?

Am I seeing who they actually are, or who I hope they could become?

What evidence do I have about their consistency, emotional availability and capacity for commitment?

Am I escalating trust and intimacy based on reality or potential?

Inner child work isn’t about becoming detached, cynical or less loving.

It is about strengthening your relationship with yourself so that your relational decisions can increasingly come from clarity rather than activation.

From evidence rather than fantasy. From discernment rather than fear. From seeing the whole person, not simply the potential.

My inner child healing package is designed to help you explore the parts of you that become activated in relationships and develop greater clarity around your relational patterns and choices.

Together, we explore:

Chemistry — What am I actually feeling?

Character — Who is this person consistently showing themselves to be?

Capacity — Can they actually offer the consistency, stability and effort that I need?

Compatibility — Are we aligned in values, needs and vision?

Risk — What am I overlooking because I am attached to the potential?

If you’re ready to understand why certain relationships can feel so difficult to release and want to develop greater clarity in how you choose, and build relationships send me a note with the words DISCERNMENT for more information on our IFS therapy groups for women. You can read more about our groups here.

Strengthening Social Safety For Women in Society

We talk a lot about women’s safety, but I think we need to broaden the conversation about what safety actually means. 

When we talk about violence against women, the conversation often focuses on what happens when a woman is already in danger. Of course, protection and specialist support are essential, but I also believe we need to think about what happens before a crisis, and what happens afterwards. 

What does a woman’s wider social environment look like? Does she have people around her who know her well enough to notice when something isn’t right? Does she have somewhere she can go? Does she have friendships that make her feel stronger rather than smaller? Does she trust herself enough to recognise when a relationship or situation doesn’t feel right?

Domestic abuse is still something I don’t think we talk about enough in everyday society. In England and Wales, around 3.8 million people experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2025. Behind statistics like this are women navigating experiences that can be incredibly difficult to explain to somebody who has never experienced them. Abuse isn’t always visible. It can involve coercive control, emotional manipulation, intimidation, financial control, isolation and a gradual erosion of someone’s connection, confidence and autonomy.

This is part of what makes leaving so complicated. We sometimes talk about leaving an abusive relationship as though it is simply a decision: “If you know it isn’t healthy, why don’t you leave?” There can be love alongside fear, hope alongside dysregulation, and a deep attachment alongside the knowledge that something isn’t right. 

A woman may know that she deserves something different while simultaneously feeling terrified about what life will look like without the relationship. This is why I believe social connection needs to be part of the conversation around women’s safety. Social connection can reduce isolation and give women more opportunities to seek support, gain perspective and rebuild their lives. Having people around us who know us, care about us and can gently say, “I’m not sure that sounds healthy,” can be incredibly powerful. Sometimes we don’t need somebody to give us advice. We need somebody to help us hear ourselves.

What happens when a woman is trying to rebuild her life?

A woman’s nervous system doesn’t automatically understand that she is safe simply because the relationship has ended. If she has spent a long time living with unpredictability, control, criticism or intimidation, she may continue to feel highly alert to what is happening around her.

She may find it difficult to relax around other people. She may feel uncomfortable in unfamiliar social situations. She may want to reconnect with society but feel unsure about where she belongs.

A woman might go out to a bar or nightclub and experience unwanted attention. Someone may continue after she has said no. Someone may pressure her. Someone may try to guilt her into feeling bad for having boundaries. For somebody who is already trying to rebuild a sense of safety and trust, these experiences can be deeply unsettling.

This is why I believe we need to think about socially safe spaces for women.

Imagine having somewhere you could go where you didn’t have to monitor everyone around you? Somewhere you could meet other women, talk, laugh, learn something new and simply relax. Somewhere you knew that if a boundary was crossed, the people around you would understand what was happening and support you.

That is what I mean by social safety. Places where you can go that have zero-tolerance with harassment. 

We need to strengthen women’s support networks

One of the things I find particularly important is the relationship between isolation and vulnerability.

When a woman has a strong network of friends, family, colleagues and community connections, she has more opportunities to experience different perspectives and forms of support. When that network becomes very small, one relationship can begin to occupy an enormous amount of emotional space.

This is particularly significant when that relationship is unhealthy. If someone doesn’t have many people to turn to, leaving can feel like losing the only person they have. Even if the relationship is causing harm, the thought of being alone can feel frightening. This doesn’t mean that women with strong support networks cannot experience abuse, or that women with small networks are somehow responsible for their vulnerability. 

I believe we should be investing in women’s communities before women reach crisis point

We need places where women can make friends, develop confidence, talk about difficult experiences, learn about relationships and simply experience belonging. 

But many women have complicated experiences of female friendship. For some girls, school can be one of their first experiences of social rejection. They may experience bullying, rumours, exclusion, comparison or friendship groups turning against them. 

Being ostracised can leave a lasting emotional imprint. A girl can learn that belonging is conditional and that if she is too different, too confident or simply not part of the right group, she might be rejected.

A woman who was excluded by other girls may carry a fear of being excluded into adult friendships. And sometimes women do compete with each other. Women can feel threatened by another woman’s confidence or success rather than celebrating it.

I think we can consciously create a different culture. We can create spaces where women don’t have to compete for support or belonging. We can create friendships where another woman’s success doesn’t diminish our own. We can learn to celebrate each other, support each other and be genuinely happy when another woman is doing well.

Many women are longing for this. They want friendships where they don’t have to perform. They want to be able to say, “I’m struggling,” without feeling ashamed. They want women around them who will encourage them rather than compare themselves to them. 

I believe women are stronger together, and that sisterhood can be part of how we build social and emotional resilience and reduce isolation.

We may intuitively know a relationship isn’t good for us, but struggle to let go

As an IFS practitioner for the past five years, I have worked with women who are struggling to let go of unhealthy relationships, who experience people-pleasing tendencies.

One of the things I have come to understand is that we intuitively might know a relationship isn’t good for us. A woman might know that her relationship isn’t healthy. She might recognise that her partner doesn’t respect her autonomy. She might notice a power dynamic. She might feel herself becoming more isolated in a relationship. She might have an inner voice telling her that something is wrong.

And yet she may still struggle to leave, set a boundary or trust her own judgement. And when a woman has grown up in unsupportive environments where boundaries wern’t respected and she grew up with controlling and unsupportive parents, she may struggle to set boundaries.

Often women are grown up to be people pleasers and be nice and pleasant to others and complicity but not have their own autonomy. 

For those who have experienced this, resonate with IFS therapy and how we devleop parts in response to difficult experiences in life.

There might be a people-pleasing part that wants to keep the peace. 

There might be a part that becomes emotionally invested very quickly and loses touch with their own friendships, interests and routines. 

There might be a part carrying shame from earlier experiences, and another part that constantly doubts itself.

There may even be a part that feels pressured to do something they don’t want to do and is complicit.

These parts aren’t necessarily broken. Often, they developed because they were trying to help us survive or belong.

Developing self-trust and discernment

I believe women need spaces where they can strengthen their relationship with themselves.

That means exploring self-worth, boundaries, assertiveness, emotional regulation, self-trust and relationship discernment.

We need to be able to recognise when we are abandoning ourselves to keep somebody else happy. We need to notice when guilt or shame is influencing our decisions. We need to become more honest with ourselves about another person’s capacity to respect us.

Our bodies can also give us information. Sometimes we notice tension, numbness, a feeling of wanting to leave or a sense that we are becoming smaller around someone before our conscious mind has fully understood what is happening. These sensations aren’t automatically evidence that someone is unsafe, but they can be an invitation to pause and become curious rather than immediately overriding ourselves.

For many women, learning to listen to themselves again can be a powerful part of rebuilding self-trust.

Sisterhood Space

This is the thinking behind Sisterhood Space, a women’s IFS personal growth group to listen to ourselves and built self-trust.

I want it to be a space where women can explore the parts of themselves that may be struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing, self-worth, attachment, relationships and letting go. 

We can learn from one another. We can hear another woman’s experience and realise that we aren’t the only person who has struggled with something. We can develop friendships and connections that exist outside of romantic relationships. We can experience what it feels like to be around women who are genuinely interested in supporting rather than competing with us.

The first Sisterhood Space session will focus on “The Parts That Struggle to Let Go.”

Detaching from an unhealthy relationship can be particularly difficult when there are complicated dynamics of attachment, loyalty, guilt, hope, power and control. 

There can be a part that reminds us that we are free and that it’s better to be free than in a controlling relationship. 

IFS gives us an opportunity to become curious about them. What are they afraid of? What are they trying to protect? What do they need us to understand?

Sometimes the part that struggles to let go isn’t weak. It may simply be carrying shame and low self-worth.

Join Sisterhood Space

Every Tuesday evening I will be holding Sisterhood Space for women to connect with one another, listen to each other with self-energy in pairs and receive openness, attunement and support from other women. 

If you would like more information about the IFS personal growth group for women in Newcastle, please send me a WhatsApp message (on the bottom right corner of the screen) with the words “sisterhood space” with your name, number and email address so I can send more information about signing up and invite you into the Whatsapp group.

Looking forward to inviting you to the group

Vicky 🙂