The Solar Eclipse in Leo, Taking Up Space and Finding the Courage to Be Seen
This recent solar eclipse in Leo got me thinking a lot about courage, taking up space, leadership and having the courage to follow your purpose and allow yourself to be seen.
On the day of the eclipse, I actually got locked out of my house after leaving my key inside, and with my phone dying on me I suddenly panicked.
It made me think about how important it is to have people around us that we can actually lean on, particularly as women, and how much we need emotionally supportive communities where we can reach out when things feel difficult.
Then, two days later, I decided to do something I have wanted to do for a long time, which is to create an IFS therapy group for women in Newcastle where women can come together, support each other and experience the kind of emotional attunement and connection that I think so many of us are missing.
It felt very connected to the energy of Leo for me.
Meaning Of The Solar Eclipse
Leo is about courage, leadership, confidence, creativity and being willing to take up space. It is about having the courage to follow your purpose and to allow yourself to be seen, even when other people might not understand you or might feel uncomfortable with the space you are taking up.
I think this is something women can struggle with so much.
We are often taught to make ourselves smaller, to not be too confident, to not be too successful, to not be too loud, to not have too many boundaries and to not make other people uncomfortable.
And sometimes when you start standing in your power, you realise that other people’s jealousy, insecurity or discomfort can become something that you start carrying as if it is your responsibility.
But it isn’t.
You don’t have to feel guilty because someone else is uncomfortable with your success. You don’t have to make yourself smaller because someone else is insecure. You don’t have to apologise for having boundaries.
And you don’t have to continue giving men access to you simply because you feel guilty about saying no, particularly when someone isn’t offering you the emotional safety, respect, consistency or reciprocity that you need.
There is something incredibly courageous about being able to say, actually, this doesn’t work for me anymore, and trusting yourself enough to walk away.
I think we need more women who are willing to do this, and we also need more women who are willing to support each other when we do.
Because too often women compete with each other, and we can say that we support women until another woman starts doing better than us, becomes more confident, becomes more visible or starts taking up space in a way that makes us uncomfortable.
I don’t think this does anything to help women.
It keeps us divided, and I think that division can perpetuate some of the very systems that have historically kept women smaller and more disconnected from each other.
When women are excluded it can leave us feeling isolated and alone, and when we don’t have a strong social network around us, we can become more vulnerable to unhealthy relationships because we don’t have other people to lean on, talk things through with or help us see what is happening from the outside.
This is why I think we need a revolution in how women support women. We need to strengthen our communities so women have other women to lean on, and so that we have relationships where there is emotional attunement, encouragement, connection and genuine support.
I think our society is missing socially safe spaces for women to listen to each other and hold space for each other, where women can share their burdens and not feel that they have to be the strong one all the time.
The Cost Of Being An Empathic Woman
Because being an empathic woman can actually be difficult.
When you are someone who naturally gives a lot of empathy, listens to other people, notices their emotions, encourages them and holds space for them, it can feel incredibly lonely when you need that same empathy and attunement and don’t receive it back.
You can become so used to being the person who understands everyone else that you don’t always realise how much you need somewhere to be understood too.
And this is why I feel so strongly that women need spaces where they can come together and experience this kind of support from each other.
I think there is something incredibly healing about women being able to sit together, listen to each other, encourage each other and experience the feeling of being held in community rather than having to carry everything alone.
Leaning on Courage
As a Leo myself, I feel like I am leaning into this channel of strength and courage and allowing it to encourage me to step into a new timeline where I create the kind of community I want to see.
A community where women can feel safe.
A community where women can go to an event without worrying about harassment.
A community where women can lean on each other.
A community where we can celebrate each other’s success rather than feeling threatened by it.
And a community where we can begin to heal the sisterhood wound.
IFS Therapy Group In Newcastle, UK
This is why, two days after finding myself locked out of my house and feeling the vulnerability of not having someone nearby to lean on, I decided to create something I had wanted to create for a long time: an IFS therapy group for women in Newcastle.
If you are struggling to detach from a relationship and want support from supportive women who can listen and hold space, this group is for you.
In the first week, we will be exploring the parts of us that struggle to let go of relationships and detach.
The part that holds onto hope and potential.
The analytical part that keeps analysing everything.
The part that is scared to be alone.
The part that wants to let go.
Rather than judging these parts or trying to get rid of them, we can meet them with curiosity, openness and compassion and begin to understand what they are trying to do for us.
Together, we will meet these parts through meditation and create space for Self energy, while also experiencing what it feels like to have other women listen to and hold compassionate space for the different parts of us.
I have been working with the IFS model for five years and I am fully trained in IFS therapy, and I am passionate about helping people get to the root of the issue, cultivate self-worth and develop greater relational discernment.
I have already had 29 women show interest in the group, and I am really looking forward to welcoming the women who feel called to be part of it.
Where women can come together and feel supported, listened to and understood.
Where we can learn from each other and remind each other of our own strength.
Where we can receive the empathy and attunement that we so often give to everyone else.
And where we can begin to create the kind of sisterhood that so many of us have needed.
If you would like more information about the IFS therapy group for women in Newcastle, fill in the form below and I will get back to you with the information.
If you don’t hear back from the form, please send me a WhatsApp message (on the bottom right corner of the screen) with the words “sisterhood space” with your name, number and email address so I can send more information about signing up and invite you into the Whatsapp group.
Detach From A Relationship and Develop Relational Discernment With IFS Therapy
I often work with women in my private practice who are struggling with anxiety and finding it incredibly difficult to let go of a relationship that isn’t healthy, reciprocal, or compatible.
Often, there is an abandonment wound underneath this. They may have grown up without having their emotional needs consistently met, particularly if a parent wasn’t comfortable talking about emotions, providing emotional reassurance, or offering consistent emotional attunement. As adults, we can unconsciously recreate what feels familiar. We may find ourselves drawn to partners who are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, unreliable, or simply unable to offer the supportive relationship we want.
Sometimes the person is emotionally or logistically out of reach, but we become attached to their potential. We aren’t necessarily attached to the relationship as it exists in reality; we’re attached to the possibility of what it could become if the person changed, became more available, or finally gave us the security we’ve been longing for.
When You Don’t Feel Supported In The Relationship
I also work with women who become emotionally dysregulated within their relationships because they are doing so much of the emotional labour.
They are trying to fix things, encourage their partner to seek therapy, communicate better, create emotional safety, manage conflict, and hold the relationship together.
Meanwhile, their own nervous system is constantly in a state of stress because they don’t feel emotionally supported or secure within the relationship.
They may stay because of shame, guilt, fear of being alone, or a sense of over-loyalty. Or they may become so focused on their partner’s needs that their own needs gradually become secondary.
How IFS Helps Us Understand What’s Keeping Us Attached
This is where IFS, or Internal Family Systems, can be incredibly helpful.
IFS allows us to get curious about the different parts of us that become activated within relationships. Often there are parts that are in conflict with each other and IFS helps to reduce this inner conflict and create a grounded sense of self.
There might be a part that ruminates on someone’s potential, a part that is terrified of being alone, a part that becomes overly loyal very quickly, or a part that escalates intimacy before there has been enough time to observe compatibility.
There may be a hopeful part that sees the relationship through rose-coloured glasses.
There may also be a part that looks past someone’s lack of emotional availability, dismissive tone of voice and passive aggressive behaviour.
Beneath this, there may be a younger abandoned or rejected part carrying the hope that this time, someone will finally become emotionally present, consistent, and available in the way they weren’t in childhood.
These parts aren’t weak or irrational. They often developed for very understandable reasons. They are carrying fear, longing and unmet needs.
Rather than judging these parts or trying to force yourself to “just get over it,” IFS allows us to slow down and understand them. Relationships are complex and we need to give ourselves time to hold space for the different emotions that are coming up.
We can ask:
“What part of me is struggling to let go?”
“What part of me is focused on their potential?”
“What part of me feels rejected?”
“What part of me is overlooking someone’s emotional unavailability?”
And importantly:
“What does this part need from me?”
IFS helps us to redirect the focus back to ourselves and connect to the parts that are carrying unresolved hurt from the past, and bring them back to the present moment, so that our adult self can make relational decisions based on logic and not emotion alone.
When we can connect to our parts with self-energy we give them space to feel acknowledged and resolved by us, so that we’re not seeking them to be resolved by others.
Others who don’t have the capacity to meet us right now.
Others who aren’t vibrating on our frequency of confidence, radiance and power.
When we connect with ourselves, we connect to our inner power and we can pour that energy back to ourselves instead of people who are extracting our time and energy who can’t give us the life or relationship we want.
Creating Space Between Feeling and Choosing
As we build a relationship with these past, these parts become less activated and we can create more space for relational discernment from our adult self.
One of the 8C’s of Self in IFS is clarity and as we come back home to ourselves and heal our parts, we can have more clarity to have relational discernment.
This is where we develop discernment about someone’s capacity, chemistry and compatibility and assess whether someone aligns with our values, meets our emotional needs and makes our life easier, not harder.
What Is Relational Discernment?
Relational discernment is the ability to step back from the intensity of attraction, anxiety, fear, hope, or attachment and assess the relationship based on reality.
It means asking:
Is this person truly compatible with me?
Is this chemistry healthy, anxious, avoidant, familiar, or fantasy-driven?
Does this person actually have the character and capacity to build a stable life with me?
Does this person put in effort into the relationship and plan dates and align with the lifestyle I want?
Am I seeing this person clearly, or am I interpreting everything through attraction, hope, fear, pressure, or old patterns?
What factors in my life are adding complexity and impacting my relational judgements?
There are also factors, circumstances and stressors in our life that erode our relational discernment.
For example, perhaps you have children and you don’t want to your children to get hurt, so you are hoping an abusive partner can be “civil” but their pattern of abusive behaviour continues and you are lacking boundaries?
Perhaps you learned a pattern from childhood of hoping an abusive partner would change, so you struggle to detach from the potential and hope for change.
Maybe you want to have children and a family and you have time pressure that’s adding stress and pressure, so you’re struggling to let go out of fear of being alone.
Naming these factors in therapy, helps you to validate the complex emotions that are arising, giving you the space to strengthen self-trust.
Vetting
I believe choosing a partner shouldn’t be based on emotion alone. You can have incredible chemistry with someone who isn’t compatible with you.
You can love someone who doesn’t have the capacity to give you the relationship you need and you can be honest about who someone is today instead of being hopeful that they can change.
Relational discernment means allowing reality to reveal itself over time and calibrating your level of trust, access, investment, and commitment to the evidence in front of you.
We look at things like chemistry, character, capacity, compatibility, effort, relationship readiness, relationship competence and risk.
Vetting is about slowing down and making sound judgements once you know your needs, boundaries, lifestyle goals, dealbreakers and values in a relationship.
It’s about getting to know yourself and slowing down enough to actually observe.
Look at the Pattern, Not Just the Potential
We can ask:
What is actually happening here?
What does this behaviour reveal?
Is this a moment, a signal, a pattern, or a deeper issue?
Is this something to communicate about, observe, slow down around, repair, or take seriously as a deal breaker?
And perhaps most importantly:
What level of access has this person actually earned?
Because effort reveals investment.
Consistency reveals reliability.
Stress reveals character.
Conflict reveals repair capacity.
Time reveals pattern stability.
And patterns reveal far more than promises.
Let Your Adult Self Lead
IFS can help you bring your energy back to yourself, become the observer of your own internal world, and allow your adult Self to lead.
Instead of an activated part of you steering the relationship, you can begin to make relational decisions from a place of power, self-knowledge and strength.
You can notice what your body feels when you feel chemistry with someone and know what attraction means to you.
You can take it slow and observe behaviours and patterns.
You can slow down and spend time getting to know someone before escalating intimacy.
You can assess compatibility with chemistry, capacity, relationship competency and lifestyle goals before increasing your time, energy, emotional investment, and access to someone.
You can reflect on whether someone helps make your life easier or harder.
You can allow reality to reveal itself before becoming deeply attached to potential.
You can focus on what a person is bringing now, not in the future.
That is the shift from attachment-driven decision-making to relational discernment.
If you are struggling to detach from a relationship and want support from supportive women who can listen and hold space, this group is for you.
In the first week, we will be exploring the parts of us that struggle to let go of relationships and detach.
The part that holds onto hope and potential.
The analytical part that keeps analysing everything.
The part that is scared to be alone.
The part that wants to let go.
Rather than judging these parts or trying to get rid of them, we can meet them with curiosity, openness and compassion and begin to understand what they are trying to do for us.
Together, we will meet these parts through meditation and create space for Self energy, while also experiencing what it feels like to have other women listen to and hold compassionate space for the different parts of us.
I have been working with the IFS model for five years and I am fully trained in IFS therapy, and I am passionate about helping people get to the root of the issue, cultivate self-worth and develop greater relational discernment.
I have already had 29 women show interest in the group, and I am really looking forward to welcoming the women who feel called to be part of it.
If you would like more information about the IFS therapy group for women in Newcastle, fill in the form below and I will get back to you with the information.
If you don’t hear back from the form, please send me a WhatsApp message (on the bottom right corner of the screen) with the words “sisterhood space” with your name, number and email address so I can send more information about signing up and invite you into the Whatsapp group.
What Can We Do in Our Society to Prevent Domestic Abuse?
Every week, a woman in the UK is murdered as a result of domestic violence, and every minute a call is made to the police in the UK about domestic abuse.
As a practitioner of five years, I have worked with people who have experienced depression, anxiety and PTSD as a result of domestic abuse and narcissistic abuse.
In our society, we are not doing enough to prevent domestic violence, and it isn’t discussed enough.
We still operate largely from a medical model when it comes to mental health, where we diagnose people who have experienced abuse with depression, anxiety, PTSD, CPTSD, or panic disorder, rather than focusing on what they have actually experienced. I think this is important because we can end up treating the symptoms without properly looking at the environment and experiences that contributed to them. We’re failing to address the root cause, which is often trauma, neglect and abuse.
There are also people who do come to seek therapy but are blind to their own vulnerability. They may not recognise that they have been in an unhealthy or controlling dynamic, particularly if these behaviours have been normalised throughout their lives. Some people may also have additional vulnerabilities that make power and control dynamics harder to recognise. This can include some neurodivergent people, depending on their individual circumstances. They may find certain social or interpersonal dynamics more difficult to recognise or navigate.
There are also people who have experienced coercive control within their families and relationships without recognising it as abuse. This is why we need to look beyond the diagnosis and understand the person’s environment and relationships. Someone may present with anxiety, depression, PTSD or panic attacks, but the question should also be:
What has happened to this person?
What are they currently experiencing?
Do they have family nearby?
Are they connected to a community?
These questions are important because isolation can be a huge part of vulnerability. Someone can be struggling with their mental health while also being completely disconnected from their family, friends and wider community. If we only treat the symptoms, we can miss the bigger picture. Not everyone who experiences coercive control sees themselves as a victim. Some people have lived with controlling behaviour for so long that it feels normal. Others may have been isolated to the point where they no longer have people around them who can help them recognise what is happening.
This is where I think prevention and early intervention are so important.
Abuse is not just physical. It can also be economic abuse, such as controlling the finances in the home, as well as emotional abuse such as threats of harm. It can involve isolation, jealousy, manipulation, monitoring, intimidation and controlling someone’s choices.
In the last decade, there has been a rise in trauma therapies that aim to address the root cause, such as EMDR and IFS. However, many people can’t afford these types of therapies. People who experience domestic abuse can often go into debt and may not have the social safety or stability to pursue employment because they are living in survival mode. Our approach is still mostly treatment and reactionary. But we can also have preventative measures where we create a safer society.
We need to prioritise socially safe places, address attitudes towards women, and teach boundaries and emotional regulation in schools.
Children who grow up in abusive homes have experienced social modelling of these behaviours and may not develop a clear concept of respect, healthy relationships and boundaries. So, as a society, what can we actually do to reduce domestic abuse?
Shout Up Venues
The first time I saw a Shout Up poster was in a pub in Newcastle. It was displayed on the glass window, and I immediately noticed it.
It set the tone that harassment would not be tolerated in that venue. This is one step ahead of initiatives such as Ask for Angela, where women who experience harassment or feel unsafe can speak to bar staff anonymously.
I think these initiatives are positive because every bar and venue needs to have a process for managing harassment and creating a safe environment.
However, there is also a problem with placing the responsibility on the victim. Ask for Angela posters are often placed inside ladies’ bathroom doors. This means the issue can still feel like something that is kept “under the rug”. The woman who feels unsafe has to approach a member of staff for help.
What we need to do is make these messages visible to everyone. Shout Up Venue posters should be placed in both female and male bathrooms, as well as in visible areas of the venue. This sets the tone and clearly communicates the boundaries of the venue to everyone, rather than only giving women instructions on what to do if they feel unsafe.
It also shifts the responsibility away from the potential victim and towards the people who may perpetrate harassment. It sends a clear message: this is what we expect from people in our venue, and harassment will not be tolerated.
This is important because prevention is not just about telling women how to keep themselves safe. It is also about creating environments where potential perpetrators know what the boundaries are, understand that their behaviour will be challenged, and are aware that the venue takes harassment seriously.
For me, this is what makes the Shout Up approach so valuable. It makes the conversation visible rather than something that is hidden away in a bathroom. It creates a culture and sets a standard before something happens, rather than only responding once someone has already experienced harassment. It changes our attitudes and values in society and addresses the collective issue.
I have approached several bars in Newcastle about this, and a few have responded positively. Some have told me that they have already had training around harassment, and others have been shocked when hearing some of the statistics around domestic violence. If we can create more harassment-free zones and safer places, I believe we can help reduce domestic abuse.
Education Starts Early
Another important element is education in schools.
We need more education for boys around consent, respect, boundaries, and learning how to accept rejection and regulate emotions rather than turning to anger or violence.
Accepting rejection is part of emotional maturity. If boys have been raised in abusive homes where boundaries are regularly crossed, they may not have been shown what healthy relationships look like. If they have grown up in neglectful homes and experienced a lot of loneliness or a lack of love and affection, they may carry a lot of emotional pain into adulthood.
Without the right support, some people may struggle to process feelings of rejection and loneliness in healthy ways. Instead of seeking therapy or learning how to regulate those emotions, they may express their pain through anger, control or aggression.
This can become particularly important after a relationship ends. Some people may struggle to accept the loss of control or rejection, and this can contribute to post-separation abuse. In the most serious cases, post-separation abuse and escalating controlling behaviour can contrbute to domestic homicides.
This means that we have an opportunity to intervene earlier. We can teach children about boundaries, consent, emotional regulation, rejection and healthy relationships before they enter adulthood. We can also make therapy and emotional support more accessible, so that people who are carrying pain from neglect or childhood experiences have somewhere to process it rather than taking it out on other people.
Prevention needs to start before someone becomes a victim or a perpetrator.
Connecting Mental Health to Communities
I also think we need to look at how mental health services connect people back into their communities.
Andy Burnham has spoken about expanding community-based mental health provision and making support more accessible outside traditional clinical settings. There are also initiatives looking at bringing mental health support into community spaces such as libraries and other local centres.
I think this is where we need to think differently about mental health.
If someone is struggling with depression, anxiety or trauma, medication can be helpful for some people and can help stabilise symptoms. But medication alone does not necessarily address loneliness, isolation, lack of purpose or the absence of a supportive community.
We need GPs to be able to connect people who are struggling with their mental health to local community spaces where they can take part in activities such as yoga, capoeira, games nights, creative activities and other social groups.
These spaces can give people somewhere to go, something to do and, importantly, people to connect with. Many of these activities can also be affordable because they are supported through local councils, community organisations or take place in existing spaces such as community centres and libraries.
This is something I think we need much more of. If someone is isolated, prescribing medication and sending them home does not necessarily change the environment they are returning to.
What if, alongside appropriate medical support, they were also given a list of local community groups and activities they could attend? What if a GP could say: “There is a community centre near you that runs a yoga class on Tuesday, a games night on Thursday and a creative group on Friday. Would you like me to connect you with them?” We need more safe community places where people can meet others, build relationships and feel that they belong.
Because prevention isn’t only about stopping domestic abuse. It is also about creating a society where people are less isolated, more connected and more likely to have someone around them who notices when something isn’t right.
This is why I think mental health, domestic abuse and community connection need to be talked about together.
Prevention Rather Than Reaction
We need to move beyond simply reacting to domestic violence once it has happened and start thinking about what we can do to prevent it in the first place.
For me, that means creating safer environments, educating children, challenging attitudes towards women, recognising the signs and making it clear that harassment and abuse are not acceptable.
It also means becoming better at recognising the people who may be isolated and vulnerable before they reach crisis point. There are people experiencing coercive control who may not even realise they are experiencing it. There are people who present to healthcare professionals with mental health difficulties without the underlying trauma ever being identified. There are people who have grown up around controlling behaviour and have never been shown what a healthy relationship looks like.
If we want to prevent domestic violence, we need to start looking beyond the diagnosis and asking:
What has happened to this person?
What are they currently experiencing?
Do they have family nearby?
Are they connected to a community?
Do they have people around them who know them and can support them?
These questions could help us understand vulnerability much earlier.
I will be contacting various bars in Newcastle and asking them to consider training their staff around the Shout Up initiative and displaying posters in their venues. Small changes in our communities can help create a culture where people feel safer, harassment is challenged, people are more connected, and respect and boundaries are taken seriously.
If we want to reduce domestic violence, we need to stop waiting until someone becomes a victim before we act. We need to start preventing it.
7 Signs Of Anxious Attachment Style In Friendships And How To Manage It
Are friendships a source of anxiety for you? Do you often worry whether your friends are upset with you or are ignoring you? Perhaps you feel jealous of their friends and you feel insecure about your place in their life.
If so, you might be experiencing anxious attachment style in friendships
You might be familiar with attachment styles, often thinking they apply only to romantic relationships. However, these styles influence our connections with anyone we’re close to, including our friendships. If you find yourself feeling anxious in your friendships and suspect you have an anxious attachment style, you’re not alone.
In this blog, we’ll explore what it means to have an anxious attachment style in friendships, how to recognize the signs, and, most importantly, what steps you can take to address it.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory is a foundational concept in psychology, first proposed by John Bowlby in the 1950s. It aims to explain the importance of human connections and how our earliest relationships with caregivers shape our ability to form healthy connections throughout life. This post offers an introduction to attachment theory, discussing its core principles and highlighting its significance in understanding our personal relationships.
Attachment theory focuses on the bonds formed between infants and their primary caregivers, who play a pivotal role in shaping the child’s emotional development.
These early experiences lead to the formation of “internal working models,” which guide individuals’ expectations, beliefs, and behaviors in future relationships.
What are attachment styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and emotional responses that develop from our early relationships, particularly with caregivers.
They reflect how we connect with others and manage intimacy, trust, and dependency. The four main attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—each influence our interactions and relationships throughout life. Secure attachment fosters healthy, balanced connections, while anxious attachment often leads to clinginess and fear of abandonment. Understanding these styles can provide valuable insights into our relational dynamics, helping us navigate friendships and other close relationships more effectively.
What is an anxious attachment style?
An anxious attachment style is characterized by a deep-seated fear of abandonment and an intense need for reassurance in relationships. Individuals with this attachment style often worry that their friends may not genuinely care for them or may leave them for someone else.
This anxiety can lead to behaviors such as seeking constant validation, overanalyzing interactions, and becoming overly sensitive to perceived slights or changes in a friend’s behavior. While those with anxious attachment desire closeness and connection, their fears can create a cycle of insecurity that complicates their friendships, making it challenging to fully engage and enjoy social interactions. Understanding this style is crucial for fostering healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
What causes anxious attachment?
Anxious attachment often develops from early childhood experiences, particularly those involving inconsistent caregiving. When caregivers are unpredictable—sometimes nurturing and available, other times distant or preoccupied—children may learn to associate love and attention with anxiety and uncertainty. This inconsistent responsiveness can lead to a heightened sensitivity to relational dynamics, causing individuals to constantly seek reassurance and validation as adults.
Additionally, traumatic experiences, such as loss or abandonment, can further reinforce anxious attachment patterns. As these individuals grow, their early experiences shape their beliefs about relationships, leading to ongoing fears of rejection and a desperate need for closeness in their friendships. Understanding these roots can help in addressing and healing anxious attachment behaviors.
Recognizing the signs of anxious attachment style in friendships is essential for understanding and addressing the challenges it brings. If you have an anxious attachment style in friendships, it’s important to remember that it’s not your fault; these patterns often stem from early experiences. As we get to know someone better, our emotional investment increases, which can intensify feelings of attachment and anxiety. By identifying these signs, you can gain insight into your own experiences or those of friends who may be struggling with similar issues. Here are six key signs that may indicate an anxious attachment style in friendships:
1. Constant Need for Reassurance
One prominent sign of anxious attachment style in friendships is a constant need for reassurance. Individuals may frequently ask their friends if they’re still valued or loved, often seeking validation for their worth in the relationship. This behavior stems from an underlying fear of abandonment, leading them to worry that their friends might not feel the same way or could be upset with them. This ongoing quest for affirmation can create strain in friendships, as friends may feel overwhelmed or pressured by these repeated requests for reassurance.
2. Overanalyzing Interactions
People with an anxious attachment style in friendships often find themselves overanalyzing every interaction. They might obsess over a friend’s tone of voice, the content of a text, or even the timing of replies. This hyper-vigilance can lead to misinterpretations, where neutral comments are viewed as negative or dismissive. Such overthinking can heighten anxiety, causing them to spiral into self-doubt and insecurity about the friendship.
3. Clinginess or Overdependence
Clinginess is another significant indicator of an anxious attachment style in friendships. Individuals may feel an intense need to be in close proximity to their friends, often wanting to spend excessive time together. This dependence stems from the fear of being alone or abandoned, prompting them to seek constant companionship. While wanting to be close to friends is natural, this clinginess can overwhelm others and lead to strained relationships.
4. Fear of Rejection
A pervasive fear of rejection is a hallmark of anxious attachment style in friendships. Individuals may be excessively worried about being turned down for plans or not being included in group activities. This fear can lead to avoidance behaviors, where they hesitate to initiate social interactions or withdraw from friendships altogether to protect themselves from potential hurt. Unfortunately, this self-protective strategy can paradoxically increase feelings of isolation and anxiety.
5. Sensitivity to Perceived Slights
People with an anxious attachment style in friendships are often highly sensitive to perceived slights or criticism. They may interpret neutral comments or minor disagreements as personal attacks, leading to feelings of hurt and defensiveness. This sensitivity can create a cycle of conflict, where misunderstandings escalate due to heightened emotional responses. Recognizing that these reactions are often rooted in anxiety can help individuals work through their feelings more constructively.
6. Difficulty Trusting Friends
Lastly, a difficulty in trusting friends is a significant sign of anxious attachment style in friendships. Individuals may struggle to believe that their friends genuinely care for them or that their intentions are pure. This distrust can lead to constant second-guessing and doubt, causing them to question their friendships constantly. The lack of trust not only affects their emotional well-being but can also create barriers to forming deeper, more meaningful connections.
7. Abandonment anxiety
For individuals with an anxious attachment style in friendships, the thought of seeing friends can often be accompanied by significant anxiety. They may worry that the interaction will lead to conflict or that their friends might suddenly withdraw or abandon them. This fear can create a paralyzing hesitation to make plans or initiate gatherings, as they constantly anticipate potential rejection or disappointment. As a result, the excitement of reconnecting is overshadowed by the dread of what might go wrong, making social situations feel more daunting than enjoyable.
How to manage anxious attachment style in friendships
Managing an anxious attachment style in friendships involves a combination of self-awareness, self-compassion, and proactive communication. By recognizing and understanding your feelings, you can begin to navigate the emotional complexities that arise in your relationships. Implementing mindful strategies can help you foster healthier connections and reduce anxiety, allowing you to engage more fully and authentically with your friends.
1. Accept Your Feelings with Loving Kindness
The first step in managing an anxious attachment style in friendships is to accept your feelings of anxiety, abandonment, or insecurity with loving kindness. When you sense that familiar pang of worry—perhaps believing that a friend is ignoring you—it’s important to mindfully separate these feelings from your self-worth. Acknowledging that it’s natural to feel anxious about friendships can create a sense of compassion for yourself. By approaching your emotions without judgment, you allow space for them to exist without overwhelming you.
Accepting your feelings of anxiety or insecurity is crucial instead of trying to fight them. This acceptance is a form of self-soothing, helping you soften the intensity of those emotions. When you allow yourself to feel anxious attachment style in friendships without resistance, you create an opportunity for healing. Recognizing that it’s okay to feel vulnerable is a vital step in nurturing a more balanced emotional state. By embracing these feelings, you pave the way for deeper understanding and growth in your relationships.
2. Inquire About Your Anxiety and Insecurity
Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings, it’s helpful to inquire about the sources of your anxiety and insecurity. Sometimes, these emotions signal that a need isn’t being met, such as consistency or availability from friends.
For instance, if you find yourself going a month without hearing from someone, that might not align with your expectations for friendship. Reflecting on this can help you understand what you truly want in your friendships. It’s essential to recognize that your feelings related to an anxious attachment style in friendships are valid, highlighting the importance of clear communication with your friends about your needs.
Additionally, this introspection may reveal patterns, such as putting all your emotional energy into one friendship. This can lead to disappointment if that friend isn’t able to reciprocate your level of commitment. It may be time to focus on cultivating friendships with those who prioritize you and align better with your emotional needs. Validating your desire for reciprocal relationships is a key part of managing an anxious attachment style in friendships, reminding you that your needs matter and deserve to be met.
3. Nurture Yourself and Your Unmet Needs
Nurturing yourself is essential when addressing an anxious attachment style in friendships. Start by asking yourself what flavor of care you need to emotionally support yourself right now. Do you crave emotional intimacy, or perhaps a non-judgmental space to express your feelings? Identifying these needs allows you to take proactive steps toward meeting them, whether through self-reflection, journaling, or seeking supportive friendships that resonate with you. This nurturing practice validates your feelings and reinforces the idea that you are deserving of care and understanding.
Moreover, consider practical actions you can take to fulfill these needs. Maybe it involves reaching out to friends who provide the support you’re looking for or engaging in activities that foster self-love and acceptance. Remember that it’s perfectly okay to have needs, and nurturing them is a vital part of managing an anxious attachment style in friendships. By focusing on what you need to feel emotionally secure, you empower yourself to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Final thoughts on anxious attachment style in friendships
In conclusion, understanding and managing an anxious attachment style in friendships is a journey that requires patience and self-compassion. Recognizing your feelings, accepting your needs, and nurturing yourself are crucial steps toward building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
While it can be challenging to navigate the anxieties and insecurities that arise, remember that you’re not alone in this experience. By fostering open communication with friends and seeking connections that resonate with your emotional needs, you can cultivate deeper bonds and create a supportive environment where both you and your friends can thrive. Embracing this journey not only enhances your friendships but also contributes to your overall emotional well-being.
12 Self-Soothing Techniques for Adults With Emotional Dysregulation
Childhood trauma, such as growing up with narcissistic mothers or emotionally unavailable caregivers, can have a profound impact on our emotional well-being. When we grow up without love, affection, attention and security, this can lead to the development of an anxious attachment style and emotional dysregulation, making it difficult to navigate life’s challenges as an adult. Self soothing techniques for adults helps people to learn self-soothing techniques and learn to regulate their emotions.
Many people think that trauma is what happens to us, but often trauma is what doesn’t happen to us. The attachment trauma of being dismissed and invalidated from growing up with a narcissistic mother, means that we grew up without a mother and a parent to go to when we feel anxious and distressed.
This leads to a dysregulated nervous system and an adult that struggles to regulate their emotions and self-soothe because it was never modeled to them.
In this blog post, we’ll explore the connection between childhood trauma and emotional dysregulation, with self-soothing techniques to help you find mindful emotional balance.
The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Emotional Regulation
The bulk of my practice is working with people who have been through childhood trauma and need help with emotional regulation.
Childhood trauma can result from various experiences, such as neglect, abuse, and growing up with a narcissistic parent. These experiences can disrupt the development of secure attachment, leading to an anxious attachment style characterised by a fear of separation, needing constant reassurance, a fear of abandonment, choosing emotionally unavailable people and difficulties in forming stable relationships.
The Invisible Trauma of Neglect
Emotional dysregulation is often linked to the invisible trauma of neglect. When we’ve grown up without a secure and stable caregiver to go to, we grow up without sufficient love, affection and emotional support.
When young children are separated from their parents, they often experience anxiety. In most cases, parents quickly respond by providing comfort, which helps the child feel secure again. As children grow older, they develop the ability to internalise this sense of security and learn to self-soothe.
However, for some children, this process doesn’t happen. These children may feel anxious when separated from their parents, but for various reasons, the parent might not be able to provide the necessary comfort. This can leave the child struggling with unresolved feelings of separation and anxiety, which can have a lasting impact on their emotional well-being.
As a child, the way we learn to feel safe in the world is through the love and affection we receive from our parents. When we don’t have this our nervous system struggles doesn’t feel safe and we struggle to regulate our emotions.
Those who have experienced this emotional trauma of neglect will grow up internalizing negative beliefs about themselves, because they don’t have the knowledge or maturity to know that it’s their parent at fault who doesn’t have the emotional capacity to soothe them and it’s not a reflection on their worth.
It is a part of the human mind to make sense of puzzles, so even with children if you put an image in front of them, their mind will try make a picture out of the abstract pieces. If we have events happening and they were negative, hurtful or abusive, we will try to make it make sense and find meaning in the outrageous things we have endured.
When multiple events or rejections take place and happen over time, if the common denominator is me as it keeps happening to me, then we will conclude it must be something about me, so we get into a place of shame, self blame and unworthiness as a way of trying to understand why terrible things happened, or why we haven’t been loved and supported in the same way other people have.
This is why emotional neglect can lead to emotional wounds of abandonment, rejection, shame and unworthiness. These emotional wounds become exiled in the subconscious mind, to protect us from feeling those feelings again.
Then what happens in our romantic relationships as adults, these emotions may be triggered when someone isn’t available, when someone pulls away or when someone isn’t meeting us with empathy.
Someone’s inability to self-soothe and manage their emotions can impact their self-esteem and self-confidence and it can contribute to feelings of depression, hopelessness and impending doom due to limiting beliefs they have about themselves, such as:
“Something is wrong with me”,
“I am broken”
“I am damaged”
“I will never be able to have a secure relationship”
They might have a false belief that they are hard-wired and because they can’t self soothe, they will never be able to have a secure relationship. This was me.
However, these false beliefs are manifestations of our childhood trauma of neglect and abuse that we CAN change.
Through compassionate healing and inner child work, we can heal our emotional world and find emotional wholeness.
Healing Through Self-Soothing Techniques
While the effects of childhood trauma can be profound, healing is possible through the combination of trauma therapy for healing emotional dysregulation and coping strategies, such as self-soothing techniques.
Engaging in self-soothing activities can effectively help manage our body’s stress responses by calming the sympathetic nervous system, which controls our fight, flight, or freeze reactions. These activities also promote relaxation by activating the parasympathetic nervous system, responsible for maintaining our rest-and-digest state, thus restoring balance and harmony within us.
These strategies can help us develop emotional resilience, improve emotional regulation, grow in self-confidence and create a sense of safety and stability in their lives.
1. Mindful awareness
One of my favourite self-soothing techniques is mindfully separating from my feelings. For example, if I am feeling anxious about going to a social event, I might become less present and more in my head.
Something that helps me is instead of saying “I’m really anxious” I might say “a part of me is anxious”. Then I can practice mindfully separating from the anxiety so I don’t feel flooded by it. So I might notice where I feel anxiety in my body, such as in my heart or solar plexis area.
2. Befriending anxiety
Another one of my favourite self-soothing technqiues is befriending. Instead of fighting with my anxiety and being critical towards myself, I might ask the critical part of me to give me some space, so that I can connect with my anxiety with compassion. I can then befriend my anxiety and see my anxiety as a part of me trying to keep me safe.
I might say “I’m curious to get to know you a little better”. “What is it that you want me to know?”.
3. Identifying emotional needs
Another one of my favourite self-soothing techniques is identifying my emotional needs in that moment. For example, if I am feeling anxious, overwhelmed, invalidated or disrespected, then I might notice myself not feeling good in my mind, body and spirit.
An emotion is a message and a signal that an emotional need isn’t being met. For example, if we’re feeling anxious, it’s because we don’t feel safe. If we feel small, it’s because we feel invalidated by a person.
We can practice identify our emotional needs, so we can protect our emotional wellbeing. So for example, if we feel disrespected, then it may be a signal we need to set a boundary. Or if we feel controlled, it may be a sign to assert ourselves.
One time I was at an event and I saw someone who I knew and hadn’t seen for a while. They were mocking me in the conversation and making me feel small for taking space from the event (i.e. listening to my physical and emotional needs). It took me a while to realise he was mocking me and I realised that this person who demonstrated arrogance made me feel invalidated and small. I decided that my emotional need in that moment was to leave the event and listen to my needs for personal space.
If ever you feel disrespected, minimised or unsafe by someone’s arrogance or presence, listen to your body and protect your emotional well-being.
Sometimes we think we need to be strong and push through discomfort, but oftentimes, we need to advocate for our own emotional wellbeing. For me, I want to reduce my interactions with arrogant people as I value my emotional wellbeing over the validation from others.
Practice leaving spaces where you feel disrespected or setting boundaries, you’re not obliged to stay in a space. You’re an adult with your own autonomy and choices.
4. Practice emotional validation
Another one of my favourite self-soothing techniques is emotional validation. Having our emotions invalidated and dismissed as a child is emotional harm. This is why we can feel incredibly distressed by our emotions, because our emotions would be connected to abuse.
An important part of healing is validating our emotions. Practicing loving compassion towards ourselves is our anchor for safety.
For example, if we’re feeling anxious in a new relationship, it’s important to remember that relationships are inherently uncertain and it’s natural to have some level of anxiety in relationships.
So we can practice saying things like:
“It’s ok to feel anxious”.
“It makes sense why I’m anxious”.
“Relationships are inherently uncertain”.
5. Nurture your inner child
Inner child work is starting to get the attention and recognition it deserves for helping people to regulate their emotions better.
From my experience, I wasn’t able to soothe my emotions by relying on self-soothing techniques alone. My nervous systems was so dysregulated, that I would get so overwhelmed by my emotions and I had other parts of me that would step in to extinguish any emotional pain.
Often, I would have a strong humor part or escapist part that would prevent me from being with my inner child.
Going through a journey of emotional healing helped me to nurture my inner child and heal emotional traumas, so that I had more access to my adult self and I had a different energy to nurture my inner child.
6. Journaling
Sometimes If I am feeling overwhelmed I will use journaling. For example, If I am feeling anxious I might brain dump my anxious feelings I might journal between my anxious part and adult self.
For example, my anxious part might say:
I am feeling anxious
My adult self might say: why are you feeling anxious? What do you want me to know? What do you need?
I fear that I will be shamed and bullied in this community?
My adult self might say: It makes sense why you fear others bullying you. You’ve been through a lot. There is nothing wrong with you. If people are going to gossip about you and they hate you, then this is because you stood your ground and they have to spread false rumours of you and isolate you to save face. You’re a powerful person. If you make someone hate you, then it’s a sign you’re a powerful woman and they’re intimidated by you and emotionally immature about the fact that you rejected them.
7. Connect to an external figure
Often it can feel hard connecting to our adult self when we are at the early stages of healing our emotional trauma.
This is because we have a lot of hurt and wounded parts that are stepping in to protect us and keep us safe from feeling our immense emotional pain.
As a result, it can be harder to access our inner resources, because we haven’t had the personal foundations to build inner resources, such as self-soothing, reassurance, discernment and having a toxicity radar for others. Instead, we have been too busy trying to survive our emotional traumas.
If it feels hard connect to your adult self, I will often invite clients to connect to an external figure who represents wisdom, love, compassion or power based on the resource they are needing in their system.
It looks like this:
Imagine an external figure who represents love, compassion, power or wisdom. This might be an ancestor, a person, an actor an angel or guide.
Allow their energy to surround you and support you.
Notice if this part of you is receiving their spiritual support.
If this person or guide had some wisdom to share with you what would it be? Allow this part of you to receive their wisdom.
Notice how this part of you feels now.
8. Breathing exercises
Focus on taking slow, deep breaths to help calm your nervous system.
9. Self-massage
When we feel stressed, we hold tension in our neck, shoulders and legs. Self-massage is another one of my favourite self-soothing techniques that helps me to relax and switch off.
10. Physical contact
Physical contact can reduce the stress hormone cortisol. You can firmly press your hand over your heart and comfort your feelings by saying “it’s ok, I’m here”.
11. Try grounding techniques
Activating your senses can help you feel more grounded into the present moment. Some ideas for grounding exercises include:
Diffusing an essential oil
Using a massage oil
Holding a warm cup of tea
Sleeping under a weighted blanket
12. Notice glimmers
Identifying and acknowledging “glimmers” is one of many self soothing techniques that can help us cope with difficult times.
By focusing on these small, positive experiences, we can redirect our attention from distress and cultivate resilience.
Glimmers are internal or external cues (ie things you feel, see, touch, taste or hear) that cause us to feel connected to the world and regulated.
By recognizing and acknowledging these instances, we can redirect our focus from negative emotions and strengthen our resilience.
Examples of glimmers are:
Smelling the refreshing scent of freshly cut grass
Noticing the awe-inspiring sight of a rainbow stretching across the sky
Appreciating the beauty of a sunrise
Connecting with nature through a leisurely walk
Listening to your favourite song
Getting together with friends
Dancing
Conclusion
In conclusion, self soothing techniques are invaluable tools that empower us to navigate life’s inevitable challenges with grace and resilience. By actively engaging in self soothing techniques that calm our minds, relax our bodies, and uplift our spirits, we can transform moments of distress into opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
Through cultivating mindfulness, self soothing techniques can help us reconnect with the present moment and create a sense of inner safety. By embracing the healing power of nature, self soothing techniques allow us to regulate our nervous system and feel more grounded. Through nurturing meaningful connections, self soothing techniques support us in feeling seen, supported, and emotionally secure. By embracing creativity, self soothing techniques offer a gentle outlet for expression and emotional release.
As we begin to prioritise self soothing techniques in our daily lives, we strengthen our ability to respond to challenges with compassion rather than reactivity. Over time, self soothing techniques help us build emotional resilience, deepen self-trust, and create a more stable internal world. When we consistently practice self soothing techniques, we begin to feel more balanced, more connected, and more at ease within ourselves.
By integrating self soothing techniques into our daily routines, self soothing techniques become a foundation for healing, growth, and transformation. Ultimately, self soothing techniques support us in creating a more peaceful, joyful, and fulfilling existence, where self soothing techniques become not just tools, but a way of living.
