12 Self-Soothing Techniques for Adults With Emotional Dysregulation
Childhood trauma, such as growing up with narcissistic mothers or emotionally unavailable caregivers, can have a profound impact on our emotional well-being. When we grow up without love, affection, attention and security, this can lead to the development of an anxious attachment style and emotional dysregulation, making it difficult to navigate life’s challenges as an adult. Self soothing techniques for adults helps people to learn self-soothing techniques and learn to regulate their emotions.
Many people think that trauma is what happens to us, but often trauma is what doesn’t happen to us. The attachment trauma of being dismissed and invalidated from growing up with a narcissistic mother, means that we grew up without a mother and a parent to go to when we feel anxious and distressed.
This leads to a dysregulated nervous system and an adult that struggles to regulate their emotions and self-soothe because it was never modeled to them.
In this blog post, we’ll explore the connection between childhood trauma and emotional dysregulation, with self-soothing techniques to help you find mindful emotional balance.
The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Emotional Regulation
The bulk of my practice is working with people who have been through childhood trauma and need help with emotional regulation.
Childhood trauma can result from various experiences, such as neglect, abuse, and growing up with a narcissistic parent. These experiences can disrupt the development of secure attachment, leading to an anxious attachment style characterised by a fear of separation, needing constant reassurance, a fear of abandonment, choosing emotionally unavailable people and difficulties in forming stable relationships.
The Invisible Trauma of Neglect
Emotional dysregulation is often linked to the invisible trauma of neglect. When we’ve grown up without a secure and stable caregiver to go to, we grow up without sufficient love, affection and emotional support.
When young children are separated from their parents, they often experience anxiety. In most cases, parents quickly respond by providing comfort, which helps the child feel secure again. As children grow older, they develop the ability to internalise this sense of security and learn to self-soothe.
However, for some children, this process doesn’t happen. These children may feel anxious when separated from their parents, but for various reasons, the parent might not be able to provide the necessary comfort. This can leave the child struggling with unresolved feelings of separation and anxiety, which can have a lasting impact on their emotional well-being.
As a child, the way we learn to feel safe in the world is through the love and affection we receive from our parents. When we don’t have this our nervous system struggles doesn’t feel safe and we struggle to regulate our emotions.
Those who have experienced this emotional trauma of neglect will grow up internalizing negative beliefs about themselves, because they don’t have the knowledge or maturity to know that it’s their parent at fault who doesn’t have the emotional capacity to soothe them and it’s not a reflection on their worth.
It is a part of the human mind to make sense of puzzles, so even with children if you put an image in front of them, their mind will try make a picture out of the abstract pieces. If we have events happening and they were negative, hurtful or abusive, we will try to make it make sense and find meaning in the outrageous things we have endured.
When multiple events or rejections take place and happen over time, if the common denominator is me as it keeps happening to me, then we will conclude it must be something about me, so we get into a place of shame, self blame and unworthiness as a way of trying to understand why terrible things happened, or why we haven’t been loved and supported in the same way other people have.
This is why emotional neglect can lead to emotional wounds of abandonment, rejection, shame and unworthiness. These emotional wounds become exiled in the subconscious mind, to protect us from feeling those feelings again.
Then what happens in our romantic relationships as adults, these emotions may be triggered when someone isn’t available, when someone pulls away or when someone isn’t meeting us with empathy.
Someone’s inability to self-soothe and manage their emotions can impact their self-esteem and self-confidence and it can contribute to feelings of depression, hopelessness and impending doom due to limiting beliefs they have about themselves, such as:
“Something is wrong with me”,
“I am broken”
“I am damaged”
“I will never be able to have a secure relationship”
They might have a false belief that they are hard-wired and because they can’t self soothe, they will never be able to have a secure relationship. This was me.
However, these false beliefs are manifestations of our childhood trauma of neglect and abuse that we CAN change.
Through compassionate healing and inner child work, we can heal our emotional world and find emotional wholeness.
Healing Through Self-Soothing Techniques
While the effects of childhood trauma can be profound, healing is possible through the combination of trauma therapy for healing emotional dysregulation and coping strategies, such as self-soothing techniques.
Engaging in self-soothing activities can effectively help manage our body’s stress responses by calming the sympathetic nervous system, which controls our fight, flight, or freeze reactions. These activities also promote relaxation by activating the parasympathetic nervous system, responsible for maintaining our rest-and-digest state, thus restoring balance and harmony within us.
These strategies can help us develop emotional resilience, improve emotional regulation, grow in self-confidence and create a sense of safety and stability in their lives.
1. Mindful awareness
One of my favourite self-soothing techniques is mindfully separating from my feelings. For example, if I am feeling anxious about going to a social event, I might become less present and more in my head.
Something that helps me is instead of saying “I’m really anxious” I might say “a part of me is anxious”. Then I can practice mindfully separating from the anxiety so I don’t feel flooded by it. So I might notice where I feel anxiety in my body, such as in my heart or solar plexis area.
2. Befriending anxiety
Another one of my favourite self-soothing technqiues is befriending. Instead of fighting with my anxiety and being critical towards myself, I might ask the critical part of me to give me some space, so that I can connect with my anxiety with compassion. I can then befriend my anxiety and see my anxiety as a part of me trying to keep me safe.
I might say “I’m curious to get to know you a little better”. “What is it that you want me to know?”.
3. Identifying emotional needs
Another one of my favourite self-soothing techniques is identifying my emotional needs in that moment. For example, if I am feeling anxious, overwhelmed, invalidated or disrespected, then I might notice myself not feeling good in my mind, body and spirit.
An emotion is a message and a signal that an emotional need isn’t being met. For example, if we’re feeling anxious, it’s because we don’t feel safe. If we feel small, it’s because we feel invalidated by a person.
We can practice identify our emotional needs, so we can protect our emotional wellbeing. So for example, if we feel disrespected, then it may be a signal we need to set a boundary. Or if we feel controlled, it may be a sign to assert ourselves.
One time I was at an event and I saw someone who I knew and hadn’t seen for a while. They were mocking me in the conversation and making me feel small for taking space from the event (i.e. listening to my physical and emotional needs). It took me a while to realise he was mocking me and I realised that this person who demonstrated arrogance made me feel invalidated and small. I decided that my emotional need in that moment was to leave the event and listen to my needs for personal space.
If ever you feel disrespected, minimised or unsafe by someone’s arrogance or presence, listen to your body and protect your emotional well-being.
Sometimes we think we need to be strong and push through discomfort, but oftentimes, we need to advocate for our own emotional wellbeing. For me, I want to reduce my interactions with arrogant people as I value my emotional wellbeing over the validation from others.
Practice leaving spaces where you feel disrespected or setting boundaries, you’re not obliged to stay in a space. You’re an adult with your own autonomy and choices.
4. Practice emotional validation
Another one of my favourite self-soothing techniques is emotional validation. Having our emotions invalidated and dismissed as a child is emotional harm. This is why we can feel incredibly distressed by our emotions, because our emotions would be connected to abuse.
An important part of healing is validating our emotions. Practicing loving compassion towards ourselves is our anchor for safety.
For example, if we’re feeling anxious in a new relationship, it’s important to remember that relationships are inherently uncertain and it’s natural to have some level of anxiety in relationships.
So we can practice saying things like:
“It’s ok to feel anxious”.
“It makes sense why I’m anxious”.
“Relationships are inherently uncertain”.
5. Nurture your inner child
Inner child work is starting to get the attention and recognition it deserves for helping people to regulate their emotions better.
From my experience, I wasn’t able to soothe my emotions by relying on self-soothing techniques alone. My nervous systems was so dysregulated, that I would get so overwhelmed by my emotions and I had other parts of me that would step in to extinguish any emotional pain.
Often, I would have a strong humor part or escapist part that would prevent me from being with my inner child.
Going through a journey of emotional healing helped me to nurture my inner child and heal emotional traumas, so that I had more access to my adult self and I had a different energy to nurture my inner child.
6. Journaling
Sometimes If I am feeling overwhelmed I will use journaling. For example, If I am feeling anxious I might brain dump my anxious feelings I might journal between my anxious part and adult self.
For example, my anxious part might say:
I am feeling anxious
My adult self might say: why are you feeling anxious? What do you want me to know? What do you need?
I fear that I will be shamed and bullied in this community?
My adult self might say: It makes sense why you fear others bullying you. You’ve been through a lot. There is nothing wrong with you. If people are going to gossip about you and they hate you, then this is because you stood your ground and they have to spread false rumours of you and isolate you to save face. You’re a powerful person. If you make someone hate you, then it’s a sign you’re a powerful woman and they’re intimidated by you and emotionally immature about the fact that you rejected them.
7. Connect to an external figure
Often it can feel hard connecting to our adult self when we are at the early stages of healing our emotional trauma.
This is because we have a lot of hurt and wounded parts that are stepping in to protect us and keep us safe from feeling our immense emotional pain.
As a result, it can be harder to access our inner resources, because we haven’t had the personal foundations to build inner resources, such as self-soothing, reassurance, discernment and having a toxicity radar for others. Instead, we have been too busy trying to survive our emotional traumas.
If it feels hard connect to your adult self, I will often invite clients to connect to an external figure who represents wisdom, love, compassion or power based on the resource they are needing in their system.
It looks like this:
Imagine an external figure who represents love, compassion, power or wisdom. This might be an ancestor, a person, an actor an angel or guide.
Allow their energy to surround you and support you.
Notice if this part of you is receiving their spiritual support.
If this person or guide had some wisdom to share with you what would it be? Allow this part of you to receive their wisdom.
Notice how this part of you feels now.
8. Breathing exercises
Focus on taking slow, deep breaths to help calm your nervous system.
9. Self-massage
When we feel stressed, we hold tension in our neck, shoulders and legs. Self-massage is another one of my favourite self-soothing techniques that helps me to relax and switch off.
10. Physical contact
Physical contact can reduce the stress hormone cortisol. You can firmly press your hand over your heart and comfort your feelings by saying “it’s ok, I’m here”.
11. Try grounding techniques
Activating your senses can help you feel more grounded into the present moment. Some ideas for grounding exercises include:
Diffusing an essential oil
Using a massage oil
Holding a warm cup of tea
Sleeping under a weighted blanket
12. Notice glimmers
Identifying and acknowledging “glimmers” is one of many self soothing techniques that can help us cope with difficult times.
By focusing on these small, positive experiences, we can redirect our attention from distress and cultivate resilience.
Glimmers are internal or external cues (ie things you feel, see, touch, taste or hear) that cause us to feel connected to the world and regulated.
By recognizing and acknowledging these instances, we can redirect our focus from negative emotions and strengthen our resilience.
Examples of glimmers are:
- Smelling the refreshing scent of freshly cut grass
- Noticing the awe-inspiring sight of a rainbow stretching across the sky
- Appreciating the beauty of a sunrise
- Connecting with nature through a leisurely walk
- Listening to your favourite song
- Getting together with friends
- Dancing
Conclusion
In conclusion, self soothing techniques are invaluable tools that empower us to navigate life’s inevitable challenges with grace and resilience. By actively engaging in self soothing techniques that calm our minds, relax our bodies, and uplift our spirits, we can transform moments of distress into opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
Through cultivating mindfulness, self soothing techniques can help us reconnect with the present moment and create a sense of inner safety. By embracing the healing power of nature, self soothing techniques allow us to regulate our nervous system and feel more grounded. Through nurturing meaningful connections, self soothing techniques support us in feeling seen, supported, and emotionally secure. By embracing creativity, self soothing techniques offer a gentle outlet for expression and emotional release.
As we begin to prioritise self soothing techniques in our daily lives, we strengthen our ability to respond to challenges with compassion rather than reactivity. Over time, self soothing techniques help us build emotional resilience, deepen self-trust, and create a more stable internal world. When we consistently practice self soothing techniques, we begin to feel more balanced, more connected, and more at ease within ourselves.
By integrating self soothing techniques into our daily routines, self soothing techniques become a foundation for healing, growth, and transformation. Ultimately, self soothing techniques support us in creating a more peaceful, joyful, and fulfilling existence, where self soothing techniques become not just tools, but a way of living.