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Treatment for Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse, a form of emotional and psychological manipulation, is considered domestic abuse. 

Perpetrated by individuals with narcissistic traits or a narcissistic personality disorder, this form of abuse involves a wide range of tactics designed to control, exploit, and demean their victims.

While narcissistic abuse may not always leave physical scars, its impact on a victim’s mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being can be devastating and long-lasting. By undermining a person’s sense of reality, eroding their self-worth, and isolating them from support networks, narcissistic abusers can maintain power and control over their victims, often causing lasting trauma.

Recognising narcissistic abuse as a legitimate form of domestic abuse is essential in providing support and resources to those affected.

As we delve deeper into understanding narcissistic abuse, its impact, and the available treatment options, we hope to shed light on this insidious issue and empower survivors in their journey toward healing and recovery.

Recognising Narcissistic Abuse

Oftentimes, it’s not until someone has left the relationship when they realize that they experienced narcissism abuse. This is because narcissism abuse is insidious and the victim is isolated from their support network over a period of time. The might feel trapped in the relationship and feel like their boundaries are being crossed, without realizing that they’re experiencing narcissism abuse. 

At the beginning of the relationship the victim may think highly of the abuser and feel like they’re getting the love, care and support they’ve always wanted. They might even pick up that the abuser is controlling and think that they’re finally in a relationship that has security. Without realising that a controlling partner will give them anything but security, and that they will lose their sense of emotional safety, autonomy, independence and self-identity.

Later, they might learn through self-education on narcissistic abuse and domestic abuse that they were in the midst of the cycle of abuse where the abuser engaged in love bombing at the start of the relationship followed by the abusive incident, such as insulting the victim, shaming the victim and sexually coercing the victim.

This form of abuse is carried out by someone who has an excessive sense of entitlement and engages in interpersonal exploitation to meet their own needs at the expense of others autonomy.

Here’s some common signs of narcissistic abuse:

Crossing boundaries

One common characteristic of narcissistic abuse is their tendency to disregard, challenge and cross the boundaries of others. This is often the earliest warning sign of an abusive relationship, that can be easier to spot in the future.

It’s common for a narcissist to test your boundaries, use guilt and shaming techniques to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do, such as sexual coercion. 

They can also cross your personal space, such as standing very close to you to intimidate you when you ask for personal space or follow you into another room, when you’ve said multiple times that you want space. 

It’s important to consider that you can’t educate a narcissist to respect your boundaries, you should never have to teach someone to respect your autonomy and personal space. 

Another way they cross boundaries is by monitoring you and stalking you, such as putting a mobile management tracking device on your phone that they’ve given you as a gift so they can track your whereabouts. They may also offer their work laptop for you to work on so they can log into your Google account and monitor your search history without your consent. 

They may also stalk you during the relationship. When you go to see a friend, they might drive you to your friend’s house and ask for their address to monitor your whereabouts and who you’re socializing with.

Emotional exploitation

Narcissistic abusers frequently take advantage of their victim’s emotional vulnerabilities to strengthen their grip on the relationship. They may draw upon personal, intimate knowledge or confidential information shared in moments of trust, wielding it as a weapon to manipulate, inflict emotional pain, or exert further control.

By exploiting these vulnerabilities, the abuser deepens the victim’s sense of dependency, eroding their resilience and making it increasingly difficult to resist the narcissist’s influence. Recognizing this insidious tactic can be an essential step in breaking free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

Creating an atmosphere of constant uncertainty

The hallmark of narcissism abuse is the creation of an unstable, unpredictable environment for the victim. The abuser’s erratic behavior, sudden mood shifts, and inconsistent treatment leave their victim feeling perpetually on edge and uncertain. 

This creates a state of heightened anxiety, making it challenging for the victim to anticipate and respond effectively to the manipulations and control tactics employed by the abuser. Narcissists rely on this sense of disorientation and vulnerability to exert dominance, further perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

A prime example of this is dangerous driving. The abuser may intentionally drive dangerously, like tailgating, weaving in and out of traffic, or excessively speeding, to intimidate the victim and make them feel unsafe.

By cultivating an environment of fear, they capitalise on the victim’s feelings of vulnerability and helplessness, effectively perpetuating the cycle of abuse. This manipulation strategy allows narcissists to assert dominance and control, ensuring the victim remains trapped within the toxic dynamic.

Another example may be standing uncomfortably close to someone to assert dominance and control. By invading their victim’s personal space, the abuser aims to create a sense of discomfort, anxiety, and vulnerability. This tactic serves to intimidate the victim and emphasize the power imbalance within the relationship.

Control and coercion

A prominent characteristic of narcissistic abuse is the abuser’s use of control and coercion to dominate their victim’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This might involve employing threats, both explicit and implicit, to intimidate the victim into compliance. The narcissist may also leverage their power in the relationship to manipulate their victim’s actions and decisions, leaving the victim feeling trapped and powerless.

Isolation

Isolation is a common strategy employed by narcissists to maintain power and control over their victims. By separating their victim from friends, family, and support networks, the abuser cultivates an environment of dependency and vulnerability. 

This isolation can be achieved through various means, such as discouraging the victim from spending time with loved ones, moving to a new location, or creating a rift between the victim and their support system.

As the victim becomes increasingly isolated, they may find themselves relying more heavily on the abuser for emotional support and validation. This heightened dependency makes it more challenging for the victim to escape the abusive dynamic, as they may feel they have nowhere else to turn.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a subtle yet potent form of psychological manipulation commonly employed by narcissists to gain control over their victims. By distorting reality and casting doubt on the victim’s perception, memory, and sanity, the abuser aims to erode their target’s self-trust and self-esteem. This manipulation often involves denying or twisting events, questioning the victim’s recollection, or accusing them of being overly sensitive or delusional.

As the victim’s sense of reality becomes increasingly shaky, they may become more reliant on the abuser for validation and clarity, ultimately deepening the power imbalance within the relationship. Recognizing the signs of gaslighting is crucial for identifying narcissistic abuse, as victims typically require support to regain confidence in their own judgment and rebuild their sense of self-worth.

An example of this might be the abuser saying “everyone calls you crazy” to isolate the victim and make them doubt themselves.

Manipulation

Manipulation lies at the heart of narcissistic abuse, serving as a means to control, exploit, and dominate the victim. By employing various tactics, such as love-bombing, guilt-tripping, or playing the victim, the abuser aims to erode their target’s sense of self, confidence, and independence.

The insidious nature of manipulation often makes it challenging for victims to recognize and confront the abuse, as abusers can skillfully disguise their actions as caring, concerned, or well-intentioned. 

Over time, the victim may become entangled in a web of control, making it increasingly difficult to break free from the abuser’s influence. Identifying manipulative behaviors and understanding their impact is essential in recognizing narcissistic abuse and seeking appropriate support for recovery.

Emotional blackmail is a manipulation tactic commonly employed by narcissists and other abusers, often involving the use of fear, guilt, or sympathy to control and exploit the victim. 

By eliciting strong emotional reactions, the abuser aims to coerce their target into acting or behaving in a way that serves the abuser’s interests.

For example, they might say their ex cheated on them, when in fact, they were controlling in the relationship. The abuser may be trying to evoke feelings of sympathy and pity, while simultaneously painting themselves as the victim. This manipulation can serve multiple purposes, such as:

• Gaining the upper hand in the current relationship by eliciting empathy and support from the victim

• Reinforcing the notion that they are the one who has been wronged, which can be used to justify their own controlling or abusive behaviors

• Deflecting attention from their own misconduct or mistreatment of their ex


Using emotional blackmail in this way can be highly effective in manipulating the victim’s perception and emotions, making it crucial to recognize and understand this tactic to safeguard oneself from narcissistic abuse.

Invalidation

Invalidation is a common tactic employed by narcissists to undermine their victim’s self-worth, confidence, and emotional well-being. This form of psychological manipulation involves dismissing, denying, or minimizing the victim’s thoughts, feelings, or experiences, causing them to question their own reality and emotional reactions.

Some common invalidation techniques used by narcissists include:

• Dismissing the victim’s feelings: “You’re overreacting,” or “It’s not a big deal.”
• Belittling their thoughts or opinions: “That’s ridiculous,” or “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
• Gaslighting: “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things.”
• Deflecting blame: “You’re too sensitive,” or “It’s your fault for making me act this way.”

Over time, these repeated instances of invalidation can lead the victim to doubt their own emotions, perceptions, and self-worth. This weakening of self-trust makes it easier for the abuser to exert control and further manipulate their target.

Treatment for Narcissistic Abuse

Treatment for Narcissistic Abuse is a complex process that often requires a combination of therapy, self-care and support groups on domestic abuse. The following approaches can aid in healing and rebuilding one’s sense of self-worth and autonomy:

1. Work with someone who specialises in treatment for narcissistic abuse 

Often, victims of narcissism abuse are invalidated and retraumatised by law enforcement, ill-informed therapists, family members and friends who invalidate their perceptions of abuse. 

This is also apparent if victims have grown up with narcissistic parents who frequently gaslighted them and invalidated them, after abusing them.

Oftentimes, people who are vulnerable to narcissistic abuse are people who haven’t had a place to go to refuge and are ostracised from their family.

When the victim is isolated from their parents, their parents may turn a blind eye to their isolation, particularly if they haven’t been a secure support system due to their narcissistic tendencies.

Because of this, they might dismiss, minimize and invalidate their experience because they feel guilt and shame for not being supportive parents.

Often victims fear that no one will understand them and will carry shame that it’s their fault, particularly if they grew up with narcissistic parents who were emotionally abusive or parents who were emotionally immature making them susceptible and vulnerable to further invalidation. 

In the aftermath of abuse, victims will doubt their self-perception and struggle to trust their experiences. It isn’t until working with someone who is domestic-abuse informed and narcissistic-abuse informed that their experiences will be validated and they will trust themselves again. 

When they fear that no one will understand or believe them, instead of reaching out for help, they will withdraw from others. The abuser has instilled so much fear in them, they can struggle to trust others.

2. Trauma therapy 

Working with a therapist experienced in treating narcissistic abuse can provide victims valuable support and guidance. 

An important hallmark of trauma-informed therapy is non-pathologising and non victim-blaming care. 

One particular approach that is effective for treating narcissistic abuse is internal family systems therapy. Internal family systems therapy is a compassionate approach to healing emotional distress and trauma.

Its focus is understanding and healing the various “parts” or sub-personalities within an individual that have become fragmented due to ongoing abuse.

In the context of narcissistic abuse, IFS therapy can help survivors identify and address the internal conflicts and emotional wounds that may have developed due to the abuse.

It’s important to note that every case of narcissistic abuse should be considered unique and complex and should be treated as such. However, these are some examples:

Example 1

One example of this may be that when someone has experienced narcissistic abuse, the abuser may have exploited someone’s fears or vulnerabilities to control them. An example of this may be shaming them for not complying to them and coercing them. 

The abuser may gaslight the victim and place the blame on the victim to avoid accountability for their abuse, leading to the victim doubting themselves.

If the victim also has a history of trauma and the abuser exploits this to control them, the victim may be carrying a shame wound that the abuser is exploiting to control them.

As a result, the victim may have a self doubt part that doubts their experiences. A shame part that carries emotional experiences of shame from the past narcissistic relationships and the current relationship. 

The aftermath of narcissistic abuse is challenging, because the victim may feel anxious in social situations where they have an underlying fear of being objectified and shamed.

If we are to look at this through an IFS lens, we can identify the different parts in the system that are in conflict:

• Shame part “it’s my fault I don’t want to be intimate, it’s my trauma”.
• Empathy part “he was cheated on, so that’s why he’s the way he is as he was betrayed”.
• Lost child part “I won’t find this security elsewhere”.

Example 2

The hallmark of narcissistic abuse is isolation. When the victim experiences isolation in the relationship, they will develop a fear of the outside world and feeling lonely. 

It’s likely they’ve lost their independence, self-identity and self-worth, so they might experience cognitive dissonance in the relationship due to internal conflict in the system.

For example, they might have a rational part saying that they feel trapped and something doesn’t feel right.

But because of their fear of loneliness and uncertainty of the world, they will have parts that try to soothe the system.

They might have a part that says “I won’t be lonely if I stay in this relationship and I have company”. 

They might also have a part that fears the abuser finding out that they’re realizing that they want to leave and fears the consequences, so to create cognitive coherence, they have denying parts and minimizing parts that say “well they’re caring” without realizing that it isn’t care, it’s possessiveness and control.

If we are to look at this through an IFS lens, we can identify the different parts in the system that are in conflict:

• Rational part “I feel trapped, this doesn’t feel right”.
• Shame part “it’s my fault because I have a history of trauma” and “something is wrong with me”.
• Justifying part “they’re really caring”.
• Fear part “I fear them knowing that I know”.
• Denial part “I’m just going to not think about it”.
• Lonely part “I fear I’ll be lonely”. 

By exploring and understanding the roles that different parts play in their internal system, survivors can gain a deeper understanding of their emotional experiences, the self doubt and confusion they have as a result of the abuse and the deeper underlying emotions that contribute to their cognitive dissonance. 

It’s important that this is approached with the utmost compassion and understanding in the system. This helps the client to understand the positive intent of their parts to keep themselves safe. 

Example 3

Another example may be that as the victim tries to gain more independence and set boundaries, the abuser will begin to stalk, monitor and control the victim.

This can lead to the victim feeling fear that their abuser is stalking them and they become hyper-vigilant and on edge. They might also feel guilty for catching up with a friend they haven’t seen for a year because of the isolation. 

If we are to look at this through an IFS lens, we can identify the different parts in the system:

• Hyper-vigilant part “I fear he is following me”.
• Guilty part “I feel guilty for seeing a friend”. 
• Justifying part “they’re really caring”.
• Fear part “I fear the consequence of leaving them”.

Treatment for Narcissistic Abuse (An IFS Approach)

Treatment for narcissistic abuse using IFS would help the victim to heal their emotional distress by connecting to their inner world of parts with curiosity and compassion. 

1. Identify and understand the different parts: Victims of narcissistic abuse often develop specific parts to cope with the abuse, such as a compliant part or a protective part. IFS therapy helps clients recognize and acknowledge these parts.


2. Build trust and communication among parts: IFS aims to establish a more balanced and harmonious internal system by promoting understanding and cooperation among different parts.


3. Heal wounded parts: By identifying and addressing the emotional wounds inflicted by narcissistic abuse such as fear, shame and helplessness, clients can begin to heal and release the pain and negative beliefs associated with those experiences.


4. Develop healthy coping strategies: Through the IFS process, clients can develop more effective ways to attend to their parts with compassion. For example, instead of saying “I’m dissociated” they can learn to say “a part of me is dissociated” and they can practice validating their feelings and providing comfort and support.

2. Joining local support groups

Survivors can contact local charities that provide education on domestic abuse and recovery from domestic abuse, such as The Freedom Program. 

This is a fantastic group course where survivors can connect with other survivors, share their experiences, learn the mindset of an abuser, the different archetypes of an abuser, red flags of abuse, the power control wheel and the cycle of abuse. 

This helps them to become discerning with people, assess whether people are emotionally safe and learn to empower themselves to build their independence and autonomy. 

Joining a local support group can help survivors feel less isolated and provide them with a safe space to discuss their feelings and concerns.

If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

12 Traits of a Narcissist: Common Narcissist Traits and How to Deal with Them 

Narcissism is a complex personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Understanding the traits of a narcissist can help you identify these behaviors and patterns in your relationships, both personal and professional.

How to identify a narcissist 

Narcissism can be defined as an excessive focus on oneself, often leading to the disregard for the needs and feelings of others. While it’s normal for individuals to exhibit occasional narcissistic behavior, true narcissists consistently overlook the impact of their actions on those around them.

It’s crucial to recognize that narcissism is a trait that exists on a spectrum. Narcissistic behaviors can range from mild to severe, with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) representing the extreme end of the spectrum. 

Not everyone displaying narcissistic traits necessarily has NPD, as their behaviors may be less pervasive and disruptive than those diagnosed with the disorder.

Understanding narcissism as a spectrum allows us to acknowledge that people may exhibit varying degrees of self-involvement and empathy, enabling more nuanced conversations about mental health and interpersonal relationships. Recognising the distinctions between narcissistic traits and NPD can also help individuals seek appropriate support and resources for their specific needs and challenges.

The 12 traits of a narcissist 

Narcissism, both as a trait and in the context of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), encompasses various characteristics. 

Here are 12 common traits observed in individuals displaying narcissistic tendencies:

• Exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Expectation of praise, even for minimal effort or no effort at all
• Preoccupation with success, power, or money, and an intense desire for greatness
• Craving power and control
• Only seeking the company of high-status or high-achieving individuals
• Requiring constant attention and admiration from others
• Entitled behavior, expecting special treatment and holding high expectations for others
• Exploiting others for personal gain
• Lack of empathy and inability to understand others’ emotions or experiences
• Envy of others or the belief that others envy them
• Arrogance and haughty attitudes or behaviors
• Inability to maintain healthy and balanced relationships

Identifying and understanding these traits can provide valuable insight into the behaviors and interpersonal dynamics associated with narcissism. Recognizing these patterns can help individuals navigate relationships and seek appropriate support when needed.

Let’s break down the 12 Traits of a Narcissist 

Exaggerated sense of self-importance

One of the most prominent characteristics of narcissism is an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Individuals displaying this trait often hold an inflated view of their abilities, accomplishments, and overall self-worth. They may believe they are exceptional or unique, and as a result, expect others to recognize and cater to their perceived superiority. 

This grandiose sense of self-importance can lead narcissists to pursue positions of power, influence, or status, while dismissing the value and contributions of those around them. In essence, the exaggerated sense of self-importance serves as a protective shield, masking underlying insecurities and vulnerabilities that may fuel their need for constant validation and admiration.

Expectation of praise, even for minimal effort or no effort at all

Narcissistic individuals often possess an insatiable desire for praise and admiration, even when their actions or achievements do not merit such acclaim. This expectation of constant validation, regardless of effort exerted, stems from their grandiose self-image and their belief in their inherent superiority. They may expect to be lauded for merely showing up or participating, without demonstrating exceptional performance or results. 

The incessant need for praise reinforces their self-importance and perpetuates the cycle of seeking external validation. Consequently, they may struggle to accept criticism, setbacks, or failures, as these challenge their fragile self-image and perceived omnipotence. The expectation of unwarranted praise is a defining feature of narcissism, reflecting an unhealthy dependence on external acknowledgment and approval.

Preoccupation with success, power, or money, and an intense desire for greatness

Individuals with narcissistic tendencies often exhibit a preoccupation with success, power, and financial gain. They view these external markers as indicators of their worth and superiority, becoming relentless in their pursuit of such accomplishments. This fixation can stem from a deep-seated need for control, recognition, and admiration. As they equate success with personal value, narcissists may go to great lengths to achieve their goals, sometimes resorting to manipulation or exploitation. Their single-minded focus on power and financial gain can overshadow other aspects of their lives, potentially damaging relationships and hindering personal growth. Ultimately, the preoccupation with success, power, and money serves as a means to fuel their grandiose self-image and assert dominance in the eyes of others.

Craving power and control

A fundamental aspect of narcissism is the craving for power and control, which stems from the desire to maintain an inflated sense of self-importance. Narcissistic individuals thrive on the ability to influence and dominate others, often perceiving relationships as a means to exert their authority. This intense desire for control can manifest in various aspects of their lives, including personal relationships, professional pursuits, and social interactions. By exerting power over others, narcissists reinforce their grandiose self-image and satisfy their need for superiority. However, this relentless pursuit of control can lead to strained relationships, conflict, and a lack of genuine emotional connections. Ultimately, the craving for power and control serves as a protective mechanism for the fragile ego of the narcissist, fueling a cycle of manipulation and dominance.

Only seeking the company of high-status or high-achieving individuals

Narcissistic individuals often gravitate toward high-status or high-achieving individuals, seeking validation and reinforcement of their own grandiose self-image. They tend to view these individuals as a reflection of their own accomplishments, status, or success, and as a result, strive to surround themselves with individuals they perceive as “elite” or “special”. 

This tendency can stem from a deep-seated insecurity or fear of being seen as less than, motivating them to seek validation through association with those they perceive as “better” or more accomplished. However, this preoccupation with status and achievement can lead to superficial relationships, as the narcissist prioritizes external markers of success over genuine emotional connections. 

Moreover, the constant need for validation and affirmation can result in a sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction, as the narcissist overlooks the value and potential of others who may not fit their narrow criteria for acceptance.

Requiring constant attention and admiration from others

Individuals with narcissistic tendencies often require constant attention and admiration from others as a means to maintain their inflated sense of self-importance and fragile ego. They seek validation through external recognition and praise, relying on the admiration of others to bolster their sense of self-worth. 

This constant need for admiration can manifest in various ways, such as constantly seeking compliments, exaggerating their accomplishments, or demanding praise for even the smallest tasks. Narcissists may also resort to manipulative tactics, such as guilt-tripping or flattery, to extract admiration from others. Despite their outwardly confident demeanor, the narcissist’s insatiable desire for attention stems from deep-seated insecurities and a fear of being forgotten or overlooked. 

However, their relentless pursuit of admiration can often lead to strained relationships, as others may grow weary of the narcissist’s constant demands for validation. Ultimately, the narcissist’s dependence on external affirmation reflects a fundamental disconnection from their authentic self and a lack of internal validation.

Entitled behavior, expecting special treatment and holding high expectations for others

Narcissistic individuals often exhibit a sense of entitlement, expecting special treatment and holding unrealistic expectations for others. They may feel that they deserve to be given preferential treatment, and that others should automatically cater to their desires or needs. 

This entitled attitude can manifest in various ways, such as believing they should be granted special privileges or exceptions to rules, or expecting others to prioritize their wants and needs above all else. 

The narcissist’s inflated sense of self-importance leads them to believe that their desires take precedence over those of others, resulting in an unrealistic and often unfair view of how they should be treated. They may become frustrated or upset when their expectations are not met, often perceiving it as a personal slight or rejection. However, this entitlement can lead to resentment, frustration, and strained relationships, as others may feel burdened or manipulated by the narcissist’s unrealistic demands. Ultimately, the narcissist’s sense of entitlement reflects a fundamental lack of empathy and inability to acknowledge the needs and perspectives of others.

Exploiting others for personal gain

Narcissistic individuals may engage in exploitation of others for personal gain, driven by a need to satisfy their desires or advance their own interests at any cost. They may view relationships and interactions as transactional, using others to achieve their goals without considering the impact on those they exploit. This behavior can manifest in various ways, such as taking credit for others’ work, manipulating or deceiving others for personal gain, or utilizing relationships solely for their own benefit. 

Narcissists may also become envious of others’ success or resources and seek to exploit them to achieve their own goals. The narcissist’s intense focus on their own desires and advancement can lead to a disregard for the well-being or needs of others. 

This lack of empathy and willingness to prioritize their own interests above all else can damage relationships, damage reputations, and potentially lead to negative consequences. Ultimately, the narcissist’s exploitative behavior reflects a self-centered and short-sighted mindset that prioritizes personal gain over genuine connections and integrity.

Lack of empathy and inability to understand others’ emotions or experiences

One of the hallmark characteristics of narcissism is a significant lack of empathy, which hinders the ability to understand or connect with others’ emotions and experiences. 

Narcissistic individuals often struggle to comprehend or acknowledge the feelings and perspectives of others, viewing the world primarily through their own lens. This self-centered outlook can result in a tendency to dismiss, minimize, or invalidate others’ emotions, as the narcissist prioritizes their own experiences and desires above all else. 

The inability to empathize with others can lead to a superficial and exploitative approach to relationships, as the narcissist may view others as a means to fulfill their own needs rather than as individuals with their own emotions and experiences. Moreover, this lack of empathy can result in a sense of isolation and disconnection from others, as the narcissist struggles to form genuine, meaningful relationships based on mutual understanding and emotional connection. Ultimately, the narcissist’s inability to understand or connect with others’ emotions reflects a significant deficit in emotional intelligence and a profound disconnection from the shared human experience.

Envy of others or the belief that others envy them

Narcissistic individuals may experience intense feelings of envy toward others, or believe that others are envious of them, as a way to reinforce their grandiose self-image. This envious mindset stems from the narcissist’s deep-seated need for validation and a sense of superiority over others. The belief that others are envious of them may provide a sense of gratification or a confirmation of their perceived specialness, bolstering their sense of self-worth. 

Alternatively, when the narcissist encounters individuals they perceive as more successful, attractive, or talented, they may experience feelings of envy and resentment. The narcissist may engage in behaviors such as discrediting or belittling others, or attempting to minimize their accomplishments in an attempt to quell their own feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. 

However, the narcissist’s preoccupation with comparing themselves to others and seeking external validation can be detrimental to their overall well-being and relationships. It is crucial for individuals to recognize their own strengths and focus on personal growth, rather than relying on external comparisons and validation to define their self-worth.

Arrogance and haughty attitudes or behaviors

Narcissism often manifests in arrogant and haughty behaviors, which can result in the formation of negative perceptions of individuals with these traits. Arrogance is characterized by a sense of superiority and entitlement, which can lead to disrespectful and dismissive interactions with others. 

Narcissistic individuals may have an inflated sense of self-importance, a tendency to exaggerate their accomplishments or abilities, and a belief that they are exceptional and more deserving than others. They may also engage in condescending or patronizing behaviors, such as belittling or criticizing others, or making sarcastic or snide remarks to highlight their own perceived superiority. 

These behaviors can create an air of superiority that can be off-putting and damaging to relationships, as arrogance is often perceived as a form of disrespect and a lack of consideration for others. Additionally, narcissistic individuals who demonstrate arrogant and haughty behaviors may struggle to receive feedback or constructive criticism, as their inflated sense of self can prevent them from recognizing their flaws and areas for improvement.

Inability to maintain healthy and balanced relationships

Maintaining healthy and balanced relationships can be challenging for individuals with narcissistic tendencies due to their self-centered and entitled behavior. The inability to empathize, prioritize others’ needs, and maintain authentic connections can result in strained or dysfunctional relationships, leaving the narcissist feeling isolated or misunderstood. The inability to foster mutually fulfilling relationships can stem from a lack of reciprocity, as narcissistic individuals may prioritize their own needs, manipulate or exploit others, or disregard their emotional impact. 

They may struggle to create balanced dynamics in their interactions, as their desire for admiration and validation can override their ability to be genuine and compassionate towards others. Narcissistic individuals may also experience difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships due to their tendency to focus on external validation and comparisons, rather than forming meaningful emotional connections. 

Additionally, narcissistic individuals may struggle to acknowledge their role in relationship challenges, placing blame on others or external factors rather than taking responsibility for their actions. Overcoming these difficulties requires a willingness to recognize and address narcissistic tendencies, prioritize empathy and reciprocity, and develop authentic and balanced relationships grounded in mutual respect and genuine connection.

You can read my other articles on narcissism here

How to Deal With a Narcissist

Treatment for Narcissist Abuse

Next steps

If you’re interested in treatment for narcissistic abuse through internal family systems therapy,
go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

Leaving a narcissist

Leaving a narcissist and ending a relationship with a narcissist can be a challenging and sometimes frightening. Narcissism abuse, is a hallmark of domestic abuse, so it’s important to be mindful that leaving a narcissist can threaten your personal safety. Though it can be challenging, especially when having to face the uncertainty of what will happen once you leave, there are ways to leave the situation safely.

Why leaving a narcissist is hard

It’s important to recognise that leaving a narcissist is hard, because survivors of narcissistic abuse are often trapped in a web of control. They may have experienced a pattern of controlling behaviours that have made them feel trapped in the relationship. 

This can include relentless attempts in pushing their boundaries, sabotaging their sleep, shaming them for not conforming to them, gaslighting them and using guilt and manipulation to control them, wear down their self-confidence and make them dependent on the relationship. 

Oftentimes, narcissism abuse isn’t black or white, rather it can be understood as a cycle of abuse. Sometimes, you feel supported and other times you feel controlled, trapped and devalued.

You hold the good times in high regard and may think to yourself that they’re caring and supportive and carry a belief that you won’t find that elsewhere.

You may feel isolated and have been emotionally manipulated into a relationship that you’ve realised after a period of time, doesn’t feel right. Instead, you feel trapped, controlled and guilty for leaving the house. 

Not having people around you to shed light on the reality of the situation, such as “he’s possessive”, “he’s controlling”, or “he’s using guilt to manipulate you”, or “he’s coercing you” can mean you are more susceptible to doubting yourself and your experiences.

You might also not have the financial resources to leave the relationship, so in an attempt to manage the situation, you might deny the abuse or justify the abuse to manage the internal tension of cognitive dissonance.

Why self-compassion is key

There are complex psychological reasons why we can become trapped in narcissistic relationships. 

One of the ways we can detangle ourselves from these relationships is having self-compassion. 

Self-compassion helps us to validate our emotions and feelings, such as self-doubt, guilt and confusion, so that we can mindfully separate from them.

Once we can validate the different feelings we have that make it hard to leave the relationship, we give ourselves the internal space to and anchor to give us the strength to leave the relationship.

For example, instead of criticising ourselves and saying “I’m such an idiot for not leaving this relationship sooner”, we can mindfully separate from our inner critic and say “It often takes 7 times to leave an abusive relationship, because we become trapped in the relationship through a web of control”. We can also say to ourselves “I wasn’t even allowed personal space in the relationship, no wonder why it was hard to leave, “even going into the next room to get personal space was met with a backlash”. Or, “when I tried to leave the relationship and take a few days to process things, he would lovebomb me and manipulate me again by taking me out to dinner, giving a fake apology that it wouldn’t happen again”.

It’s important to remind ourselves that we’re always doing the best we can with the knowledge and resources we have at the time and we shouldn’t blame ourselves for not leaving sooner. 

Instead, we need to give ourselves the utmost compassion. Through compassion, we can heal the parts of ourselves that feel confused, hurt and shame and we can empower ourselves to move forward.

Leaving a narcissist 

Navigating your way out of a challenging situation may require careful planning, but rest assured, there are strategies and resources available to help you exit safely and effectively.

Develop a safety plan

When leaving a narcissist who was abusive it’s important to develop a safety plan for after you left. It’s important to note that narcissism abuse falls under domestic abuse and leaving a narcissist that has been abusive with you, it is the most vulnerable time. 

Here are some steps to consider when developing a safety plan:

• Establish a support network: Surround yourself with trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can provide emotional support, guidance, and assistance during this challenging time.
• Secure your living arrangements: Ensure you have a safe place to stay, whether it’s with a friend, family member, or at a shelter. If you remain in your current residence, consider changing the locks and installing a security system.
• Create a communication plan: Limit or cease all non-essential communication with the narcissist. Block their phone number, email address, and social media accounts to minimise their opportunities for manipulation or harassment.
• Protect your personal information: Update your passwords and pins for all accounts and devices, and consider getting a new phone number. Be mindful if they gave you a company phone or company laptop they use to track you. Get a new phone if needed and log out your gmail account from all devices.
• Keep records: Document any incidents or communication with the narcissist, including screenshots, voicemails, or written records. This information can be helpful if legal action is required.
• Don’t break up in person: Often if someone breaks up with a narcissist in person they will experience narcissistic rage and domestic abuse. Instead, quietly leave and take your important belongings and then break up with them over text. Keep it concise and brief and block them immediately.
• Gathering important documents like your passport, driving license, birth certificate, marriage license, and any financial records.

Set boundaries

After you leave it’s very important to set boundaries with the narcissist. Go no-contact as soon as possible as they may amp up the emotional abuse, harassment, fear and intimidation tactics.

Deactivate social media accounts him or flying monkeys may use to abuse, harm or harass you that can make you doubt yourself and vulnerable to go back to the abuser. 

Find safety and stability

During the aftermath of leaving a narcissist and narcissism abuse, your mental health may decline. Oftentimes, it’s not until we leave an abusive relationship we realise how much it impacts our mental health, and it can lead to depression, anxiety, dissociation and PTSD. 

The initial step after leaving is finding a safe and stable home. Having a safe home to go to with your own personal space, is the first foundation you need and it will give you the calm space you need to heal and take care of your physical and mental health.

Once you have your base, then you can focus on the other hierarchy of needs, such as taking care of your physical and mental health through yoga, meditation, going to the gym, and making new friends.

Focus on your north star

In the aftermath of leaving a narcissist, it can feel isolating and lonely. Most likely, you didn’t have a support system during the relationship and you didn’t have friends near you to validate your experiences and support you. 

It can feel like you’re facing the world alone, but with time it will get better. Once you can get through this initial phase of leaving, you’ve done the hardest step. 

Although it will take time to find emotional balance again, focus on your north star. Visualise your future self a couple years from now, where you’ll be, who you’ll be with, what you’re wearing and how you feel in your body.

You can do a future self meditation and use this as an anchor to keep focusing forward and taking one small step every day to help you get closer to your north star.

Build yourself up

When you feel ready, you can start building yourself up again. Although trauma from narcissism abuse can leave us with emotional scars, they can also give us emotional gifts. 

Our experience helps us become more discerning of the red flags of abusive dynamics, things like arrogance, lack of empathy, people who gossip to discredit and minimise others, people who don’t respect our boundaries, people who love bomb us or use guilt to manipulate us, people who disparage their ex partner and call women crazy, or shame us for not complying to them. These are things that we won’t look past again and we can limit our interactions with unhealthy and untrustworthy people. 

We become more discerning about who to trust, who to confide in and the importance of people earning our trust before escalating intimacy with a person. 

Now you have opportune time to start building yourself back up and learning to put your physical and emotional needs first. Some ideas of this might be:

• Leaving spaces where you feel uncomfortable

• Limiting interactions with arrogant people to protect your emotional well-being

• Weight training to build internal and external strength

• Practicing setting boundaries with people 

• Practicing yoga to relax your muscles

• Starting new hobbies to build connection, belonging and self-esteem

Leaving a narcissist conclusion

In conclusion, leaving a narcissistic partner is a challenging yet essential step toward reclaiming your life and rebuilding your self-esteem. While the process can be emotionally taxing and fraught with uncertainty, developing a well-thought-out safety plan, building a supportive network, and seeking professional guidance can help ensure your successful transition to a healthier, happier future. By staying committed to your decision, embracing self-care, and fostering resilience, you can break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse and embrace a life filled with hope, empowerment, and personal growth.

If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

How to Deal with a Narcissist 

Narcissism is a complex personality disorder that can have a significant impact on the people around the narcissist. If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, whether romantic, familial, or otherwise, it’s crucial to safeguard your emotional wellbeing.

Dealing with someone who is a narcissist can be complex, isolating and emotionally draining with trying to figure out the right strategy and approach to managing their ongoing manipulation and abuse. If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed by it all, you’ve come to the right place and I’m here to help you navigate this with support, centeredness and strength.

Understanding narcissistic characteristics, along with the development of effective coping strategies, can empower you to better navigate these challenging relationships and safeguard your emotional wellbeing.

What is a Narcissist?

A narcissist is an individual who possesses an exaggerated sense of self-importance and an unhealthy obsession with their image and appearance. Such individuals often exhibit a profound lack of empathy and consideration for others due to their extreme self-centeredness.

The impact of narcissism on those in close proximity to the affected individual can be significant, highlighting the necessity of identifying key signs and formulating effective strategies to cope with these challenging relationships.

By acquiring the ability to recognise narcissistic behaviors and developing appropriate coping mechanisms, you can successfully navigate interactions with a narcissist and mitigate potential harm to yourself and others.

Tips for How to Deal with a Narcissist

Navigating relationships with narcissists can often prove to be mentally draining and emotionally taxing, particularly within shared spaces such as the home or workplace. These challenging dynamics can have a significant impact on your overall mental health, emphasizing the importance of developing effective coping mechanisms to maintain your wellbeing.

By gaining a deeper understanding of the motivations and behaviors of narcissists, alongside implementing key coping strategies, you can successfully manage these complex relationships and preserve your emotional balance. Whether you encounter narcissism in your personal, professional, or social life, these essential tips will assist you in fostering healthier connections and safeguarding your mental health.

1. Run

Interactions with narcissists can lead to emotional exhaustion, self-doubt, and a constant questioning of reality. A relationship with a narcissist means they will sabotage your sleep, your income in an attempt to control you and prevent you from leaving. 

Narcissists are adept at manipulating your emotions and creating a state of uncertainty that can leave you feeling conflicted and drained.

They will use fear and intimidation to make you dependent on them, so it’s difficult to leave. As soon as you encounter a narcissist, know that narcissism abuse is the hallmark of domestic abuse and it needs to be taken seriously. Ask yourself this question: do I want to die? If the answer is no, run.

Attempting to alter a narcissist’s behavior is a futile endeavor; instead, focus your energy on safeguarding your emotional wellbeing and distance yourself from the situation. Focus your energy on building your self-esteem, exploring new employment opportunities, establishing clear boundaries and surrounding yourself with safe people who don’t exploit your emotions.

While these actions may present challenges, remember that the alternative—remaining trapped in a narcissistic cycle—is far more damaging and may lead to PTSD which will impact your ability to feel safe in the world for years to come. Choose your challenges wisely: leaving a relationship or seeking a new job may be difficult, but living under the toxic influence of a narcissist is an even greater burden. 

2. Set boundaries

One of the most effective strategies for dealing with a narcissist is learning how to set boundaries. By understanding how to deal with a narcissist and implementing clear boundaries, you can protect your emotional wellbeing and maintain healthier relationships.

Boundaries are essential personal parameters that define what you are not willing to accept in a relationship. They are non-negotiable limits that tell others what counts as acceptable and tolerable behavior.

For example, you might make it clear that you won’t accept behaviors such as mocking and belittling and your interactions with this person will end.

An important thing to note with how to deal with a narcissist, is that you don’t tell your boundaries, you show them. 

When you are verbalizing your boundaries, narcissists will challenge, test and push your boundaries. At the beginning of a romantic relationship they will test your boundaries by pushing you for intimacy before you’re ready and manipulating and shaming you if you don’t consent.

Instead, you want to enforce your boundaries with actions. So if someone is trying to test your boundaries and push you to do something you don’t want to do, you enforce your boundaries by ending your relationship with this person.

2. Keep personal information private 

When you are dealing with a narcissist, they will display arrogance and will prioritize their ego, self image and reputation over your feelings and safety. This person is NOT a trustworthy or safe person you want to confide in. 

Narcissists will use your personal information against you to control you. This is why it’s important to be cautious of the information you share and not share emotional traumas or previous relationship information. 

If you’re starting a new relationship with someone, it’s important to wait at least 3-6 months before sharing emotional traumas, because people need to earn your trust in a relationship. You can read more about this on my blog post on the trust ladder.

Narcissism abuse is the hallmark of domestic abuse, and an early warning sign of an abusive person is “the headworker”. This is when they will use emotional exploitation to keep you entrapped in the relationship via guilt, obligation and control. Sharing emotional traumas too soon, gives a narcissist ammunition that will be used against you. They will find your emotional triggers and use things against you to entrap you in the relationship.

3. Don’t take what they say at face value

Narcissists may say things to manipulate or control you. Take everything they say with a grain of salt.

Their public personas often serve as a smokescreen, masking their true intentions as they seek to manipulate others for their own benefit.

Instead of cultivating relationships based on respect, trust, openness, and vulnerability, narcissists view interpersonal connections as opportunities to exploit others and satisfy their own desires of control. By understanding these underlying motivations, you can better protect yourself from their manipulative tactics and foster healthier, more balanced relationships.

They will use triangulation and gaslighting to entrap you into a web of control and use personal information against you to instill fear in you and keep you entangled in the relationship though guilt, obligation and control. They will use false rumors and gossiping against you to control you in a narcissistic relationship and domestic abusive relationship. 

Narcissists aren’t genuine people and everything they do is part of a bigger strategy or scheme to control you, invalidate you or create a smear campaign about you, to protect their self-image, at the expense of your emotional safety. 

Again, do not take anything they say at face value, ever. It is always about them. Remove yourself and surround yourself with safe and trustworthy people who respect you, give you a voice and don’t try dominate the conversation and control people’s perceptions of you.

4. Arrogance is a signal to reduce your interactions

Arrogance is a red flag and a signal that this person will dominate the conversation, belittle you and undermine your wellbeing. When you surround yourself with someone who has an inflated sense of self-esteem, you are exposing yourself to being “hurt by a thousand paper cuts”. 

Their first comment to belittle you or mock you under the guise of a joke, may seem harmless, but being exposed to this over a period of time will impact your emotional wellbeing, self-esteem and personal safety. 

This is a way to test your boundaries and see how much they can get away with and is a strategy to undermine your voice.

Set boundaries with people who mocking you by saying something as simple as “are you mocking me?” then enforce your boundaries by limiting your interactions with this person.

5. Consider yourself first

When we Empaths and healers, who are naturally inclined to help and understand others, find ourselves wondering how to deal with a narcissist, it’s important to recognize our vulnerability to their exploitation. Narcissists often take advantage of our compassionate and caring nature, making it crucial for us to establish strong boundaries and prioritize our own well-being.

They will exploit our tendency to be agreeable and empathetic and see us as someone who is easy to control.

They will use emotional blackmail at the beginning of a relationship, so we have sympathy for them. For example, they might dump about their relationships and say “my ex cheated on me” and paint themselves as a victim, when the reality is that their ex left them because they were very controlling.

Or they will say “my kids were taken away from me” to paint themselves as a victim, when the reality is that their kids were removed, because their ex partner felt unsafe with him. 

So it’s important to be mindful that your empathy will be used against you and your empathy will make you want to consider their needs over yours.

For example, instead of prioritising your personal safety and safeguarding yourself against PTSD by staying with this person who will likely sexually coerce you, as sexual coercion is common in narcissistic abuse and domestic abuse.

Instead, you are considering their feelings “but they were cheated on and I want to respect them and not hurt them”. 

A relationship with a narcissist will never be a safe haven, where you will trust, openness and transparency will be practiced. Instead, they enter relationships looking for ways to coerce others.

Always, always, consider your feelings, needs and personal safety FIRST. 

6. Maintain your support system

An important thing to note when considering how to deal with a narcissist is maintaining your support system.

Narcissists will use isolation, psychological and physical isolation to isolate you from your support network and make you emotionally depend on them, so it’s difficult to leave the relationship.

Physical isolation may be isolating you in a rural village where you don’t have access to friends and family, so you don’t have people to turn to about your experiences and for people to warn you that your partner is controlling.

Psychological isolation will include gaslighting, triangulation and shamining techniques to instill shame in you, leading you to believe there is something wrong with you. They will also create a smear campaign about you at the beginning of the relationship, so if you come out sharing your experience of narcissistic abuse and domestic abuse, you’ve already been smeared and invalidated. 

Birds of a feather flock together. If you met this person in a group of friends who flock together, the other people in the group may share narcissistic tendencies, where they are arrogant and prioritise ego and self-image over other peoples safety, so be mindful that even if they try and use community gossiping and rumours against you to isolate you, it is emotional exploitation. 

For example, they will use this to coerce you in the relationship “my friend warned me about you”. Don’t take this at face value, they are using control and coercion. It is nothing about you. Leave this community and limit your interactions. 

Watch out for gaslighting, a strategy used to make you doubt yourself. For example, they will say “they all call you crazy”, to instill fear, doubt and confusion and entrap you in a web of control. Remember, don’t take what they say at face value. Don’t take what other people connected to him may have said at face value. Birds of a feather flock together. If other people are gossiping about you and making false rumors to save face, they’re also using gaslighting to isolate you. 

Gossiping and rumors exacerbates the impact of narcissism abuse and makes it difficult to leave the relationship.

When you are surrounded by toxic people, you are vulnerable to isolation, emotional exploitation and abuse. But this is not your fault, domestic abuse and narcissism abuse is also a community issue. 

Having a support system is essential for protecting your emotional and personal safety. Surrounding yourself with sincere, genuine, safe and trustworthy people who listen to you, respect you and give you a voice, and seek clarity about rumors of you rather than gossiping about you is crucial for your safety as a woman. 

Loneliness and isolation can make people vulnerable to narcissism abuse, and the emotional impact of toxic communities, but you can build a healthy support system around you. This starts by choosing safe people and safe communities that have a safe-guarding policy and a safe-guarding lead.

Having a group of friends who are reliable and trustworthy is key, because when the narcissistic partner is trying to control you and emotionally exploit you, you might have a belief that they’re really caring, but your friend can help you see things more clearly and say “they’re not caring, they’re possessive and controlling”. 

7. Maintain your sense of self

An important thing to note when considering how to deal with a narcissist is maintaining your sense of self.

Narcissists are skilled at manipulating their victims into questioning their own thoughts and feelings, leading to self-doubt and confusion. To counteract this, focus on cultivating a strong sense of self by engaging in activities that reflect your core values and passions.

Having your own self identity, interests, hobbies and purpose in your life is essential for fostering belonging, self-confidence and maintaining healthy self-esteem. 

Prioritise spending time with safe friends and family members who appreciate and support you, and avoid being alone with the narcissist whenever possible.

By filling your schedule with fulfilling pursuits and cultivating your unique strengths—such as volunteering for causes close to your heart—you can foster a sense of personal resilience that protects your self-esteem.

8. Know your rights

An important thing to note when considering how to deal with a narcissist is knowing your rights.

The Freedom Program, designed by Pat Craven, consists of essential rights that every woman should recognise and exercise to maintain personal freedom and autonomy. Here are the rights from the program:

I have the right to be me: Embrace your authentic self and celebrate your unique qualities, beliefs, and interests.

I have the right to respect: You are worthy of respect from others, and you should never tolerate behavior that undermines your dignity or self-worth. This includes belittling and mocking.

I have the right to my own friends and interests: Cultivate friendships and engage in activities that enrich your life and contribute to your personal growth and happiness.

I have the right to live free from criticism and judgment: Surround yourself with individuals who uplift and support you, and distance yourself from those who constantly judge or criticize your actions.

I have the right to my own values and beliefs: Your values and beliefs are an integral part of who you are, and you have the right to maintain them without seeking validation from others.

I have the right to live free from abuse: You should never tolerate any form of physical, emotional, or mental abuse in your relationships.

I have the right to safety: Prioritize your physical and emotional safety by establishing boundaries and avoiding situations that compromise your wellbeing.

I have the right to be happy: Actively pursue happiness and fulfillment in your life by embracing experiences and relationships that bring you joy and contentment.

I have the right to ask for help: Seeking assistance and support from others is a sign of strength and courage, and you should never hesitate to reach out for help when needed.

I have the right to make my own decisions: Trust your intuition and personal judgment when making decisions that impact your life.

I have the right to change my mind: As a woman, you have the right to change your opinions, decisions, and perspectives without needing to justify or explain your reasoning. If you don’t want to go on a date with someone because you’ve change your mind. You have a right to change your mind. If you don’t want to sleep with someone, you have a right to change your mind.

I have the right to say no: You have the inherent right to set boundaries and decline requests or advances that make you uncomfortable. Saying “no” is an essential part of maintaining your autonomy and self-respect.

I have the right to leave a relationship: If a relationship no longer aligns with your needs or values, you have the right to end it. You are never indebted to someone. Be careful of people who say “I do everything for you” and make you feel guilty for wanting to leave when they are isolating you.

I have the right to have my own hobbies: Pursuing personal interests and hobbies is a crucial aspect of self-care and individual growth. You have the right to explore activities that bring you joy, fulfillment, and personal satisfaction without seeking validation or approval from others.

Remember that your happiness and emotional wellbeing are paramount, and you should never feel obligated to remain in a relationship that is detrimental to your mental health.

9. Use the Grey Rock Method

An important thing to note when considering how to deal with a narcissist is not reacting. 

The Grey Rock method is an effective strategy for safely detaching from individuals with personality disorders, as described by Out of the Fog. This technique encourages you to become uninteresting and mundane in your interactions with the narcissist, with the goal of discouraging their interest and potentially leading them to seek a new target or exit the relationship.

To implement the Grey Rock method, consider the following strategies:

• Maintain emotional neutrality: Avoid displaying strong emotions that may fuel the narcissist’s desire for drama or attention.

• Create physical distance: Leave the room or create a physical barrier when engaging with the narcissist.

• Limit conversation topics: Refrain from initiating new discussions or bringing up personal matters.

• Provide brief, uninteresting responses: Keep your replies short and boring to discourage further engagement.

• Safeguard your privacy: Avoid sharing details about your life and minimize discussions about yourself.

• Shift to neutral topics: Steer conversations towards uncontroversial subjects when necessary.

• Resist feeding into drama: Stay calm and detached in the face of their attempts to antagonize you.
• Use simple, impersonal responses: Reply with concise, factual statements, such as “yes,” “no,” or “I don’t know.”

• Be factual and concise: Communicate with precision and objectivity, avoiding personal or emotional content.


By employing the Grey Rock method, you can create an emotional buffer that preserves your mental wellbeing and discourages the narcissist from seeking further engagement. 

10. Write things down

An important thing to remember when considering how to deal with a narcissist is executive functioning. Narcissism abuse can lead to PTSD and poor executive functioning where it becomes challenging to manage tasks and remember events.

To ensure your safety and mental wellbeing when dealing with a narcissist, it’s essential to maintain a comprehensive record of any incidents of narcissistic abuse. This documentation may prove invaluable in potential legal situations and can serve as a powerful tool for countering the effects of “abuse amnesia” – a common tactic employed by narcissists to make their victims question their experiences. 

11. Keep your phone and accounts secured

An important thing to note when considering how to deal with a narcissist is your safety.

Narcissists have a plan to control you in the relationship and will give you a company phone with mobile device management tracking to track you and monitor you in the relationship. They will also allow you to log into their computer laptop on your google account and will use this to track your search history and track your whereabouts. 

Change your passwords regularly and don’t sign into your accounts on their computer. 

12. Open up to others

Narcissistic abuse can be subtle and challenging to identify, particularly when manipulative tactics such as gaslighting and isolation are employed. These methods can lead victims to question their experiences and believe that their relationship is normal or that they themselves are at fault.

To break free from this cycle, it’s crucial to confide in a trusted healthcare professional, friend, or family member, who can offer support and perspective on the unhealthy aspects of the relationship. Sharing your experiences with a supportive person can help you understand that you are not alone and that healthier relationships are possible.

Surrounding yourself with positive people, especially those who model healthy relationships, can provide a much-needed reference point and remind you that your desires for a supportive partnership are valid and attainable. Witnessing healthy relationships firsthand can empower you to seek the same for yourself.

Moreover, receiving validation from others who observe problematic behaviors in your relationship can be immensely helpful. Hearing someone affirm that the actions of your partner, boss, or family member are not acceptable can provide reassurance and strengthen your resolve to prioritize your wellbeing. Remember that you deserve respect, empathy, and genuine care in your relationships – never settle for anything less.

13. Seek trauma-informed support

Treatment for narcissism abuse requires trauma-informed care by professionals who specialise in narcissism abuse. 

Many victims will be gaslighted and invalidated by authority figures that can exploit power dynamics for their own gain, such as law enforcement, friends and family. This can lead to the exploitation of power dynamics and a sense of hopelessness for victims seeking support.

It’s crucial to acknowledge that, despite the prevalence of domestic abuse cases in the UK, with a call for help occurring every minute, law enforcement may downplay reports of abuse if they don’t perceive them as severe. This can leave victims feeling discouraged and unheard, doubting themselves and making them vulnerable to go back to the narcissist.

Remember that your experiences are valid and deserving of attention, regardless of how others might respond. Seeking support from specialised organizations, therapists, or support groups can provide much-needed validation and guidance on how to navigate these complex situations.

We live in a patriarchal culture that minimizes abuse and controlling behavior and the impact it has on women’s ability to feel safe in the world.

You can begin empowering yourself by educating yourself on the power and control wheel, the early warning signs of abusive relationships, the freedom program, the cycle of abuse, and seek support from someone who will validate your experiences. 

If you’d like support for dealing with a narcissist in your life or healing from narcissistic abuse and reducing emotional distress, you can book a session with me. 

Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse, A Compassionate Guide to Recovery

Therapy for narcissistic abuse can help people to heal from the long-lasting emotional damage. Narcissistic abuse can leave individuals feeling shattered, doubting their self-worth, and struggling to rebuild their lives. Engaging in therapy for narcissistic abuse that is tailored to address the complexities of narcissistic abuse is an essential step towards recovery.

Through a supportive and understanding environment, survivors can come to terms with their experiences, process their emotions, and regain control over their lives. By addressing the trauma and fostering personal growth, therapy empowers individuals to break free from the cycle of abuse and embrace a brighter, more fulfilling future.

What is narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse inflicted by individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or narcissistic traits. This type of abuse involves a consistent pattern of manipulation, gaslighting, and other emotionally exploitative behaviors intended to assert control over their victims. The effects of narcissistic abuse can be severe, eroding the victim’s self-esteem, self-worth, and overall mental well-being.

Some common tactics employed by narcissists include:

• Gaslighting: The act of distorting reality and manipulating the victim into questioning their own sanity and experiences.
• Love bombing: An initial period of intense affection and attention, which can quickly turn into devaluation and discard.
• Emotional manipulation: Using guilt, fear, or other emotions to control the victim’s actions and emotions.
• Isolation: Separating the victim from friends and family, making them more dependent on the abuser.
• Projection: Accusing the victim of behaviors or feelings that the abuser themselves exhibit.

Healing from narcissistic abuse often requires professional help, as well as support from friends, family, or support groups. Recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse and understanding its impact is crucial for both the victims and those offering support.

Trauma therapy for narcissistic abuse

The trauma inflicted from narcissistic abuse fragments parts of the mind and impacts the nervous system. Early exposure to narcissistic abuse and emotional trauma during childhood can significantly heighten an individual’s vulnerability to various mental health challenges. These issues may include depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex PTSD.

Narcissistic abuse also impacts the nervous system, causing a range of psychological and physiological symptoms that can have a lasting effect on a person’s overall well-being. These effects often include:

• Disruption in self-identity: Narcissistic abuse can lead to feelings of self-doubt, confusion, and a distorted sense of reality, making it challenging for survivors to maintain a consistent sense of self.

• Emotional dysregulation: The trauma can result in heightened emotional responses, difficulty managing intense feelings of anxiety and fear.

• Hypervigilance: Living in a state of constant alertness can exhaust the nervous system and make it difficult for survivors to relax or feel safe, even when the danger is no longer present.

• Dissociation: Feeling disconnected from our bodies serves as a protective mechanism, allowing individuals to mentally escape from the overwhelming distress caused by trauma. 

• Physical health issues: The psychological stress from narcissistic abuse can manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive problems, sleep disturbances, nightmares and chronic pain.

• Impaired cognitive functioning: Trauma can affect memory, concentration, and decision-making abilities, making everyday tasks more challenging and impacting one’s overall quality of life.

In order to cope with the trauma of narcissistic abuse, the mind will become fragmented and exile the intense emotions inflicted from the emotional abuse, such as fear, anxiety, helplessness, unworthiness and shame. 

To protect the person from feeling these emotions, their nervous system will stay stuck in a state of fight or flight or it may enter the freeze state where it completely shuts off in order to cope.

This is why therapy for narcissistic abuse needs to be trauma-informed with a focus on befriending the nervous system and healing parts of the mind wounded by the emotional abuse.

Internal family systems therapy for narcissistic abuse

Narcissistic abuse leaves survivors grappling with a myriad of emotional wounds, often creating internal conflicts and fragmented identities. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a powerful approach to healing these wounds, fostering self-compassion, and restoring inner balance. Let’s delve into how IFS can be particularly effective for survivors of narcissistic abuse.

Understanding IFS Therapy

Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, IFS is a non-pathologizing, evidence-based model of therapy that views the mind as a complex system comprising various parts or sub-personalities. These parts may be in conflict with one another, particularly in response to trauma, such as narcissistic abuse. The goal of IFS therapy is to help individuals identify and understand these parts, resolve inner conflicts, and promote a sense of wholeness and harmony.

The 3 Core Components of IFS

Exiles: These are parts that carry emotional pain, often related to past trauma or neglect. Exiles are typically pushed out of conscious awareness to protect the individual from their overwhelming emotions.

In the context of therapy for narcissistic abuse, exiles are the buried emotions, memories and beliefs that are inflicted from the emotional abuse.

Here are some examples of exiles that may be present in narcissistic abuse survivors:

• The Abandoned Child: This exile carries feelings of loneliness, fear, and desperation stemming from emotional neglect, rejection, or abandonment experienced during the abuse.

• The Shamed Victim: Carrying the burden of shame, humiliation, and feelings of worthlessness, this exile may emerge as a result of constant belittling, criticism, and devaluation by the narcissist.

Managers: These parts work to prevent exiles from surfacing by focusing on tasks, routines, and external achievements. Their goal is to maintain emotional stability and avoid triggers that may provoke exiles.

In the context of therapy for narcissistic abuse, managers are parts of the survivor’s internal system that work to prevent exiles from surfacing by focusing on tasks, routines, and external achievements. Here are some examples of managers that may be present in narcissistic abuse survivors:

Firefighters: When exiles become activated and threaten to flood the system with intense emotions, firefighters engage in impulsive, numbing, or distracting behaviors to dissipate the distress.

In the context of narcissistic abuse, firefighters can manifest in various ways as coping mechanisms to help survivors manage overwhelming emotions. Here are some examples:

• Self-medicating: Survivors may turn to substance abuse, excessive alcohol consumption, or prescription drug misuse as a way to numb emotional pain and manage feelings of anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress.
• Emotional outbursts: Survivors might experience intense anger, rage, or fear, leading to explosive outbursts that temporarily release the emotional pressure built up by exiles.
• Impulsive behaviors: Survivors may engage in risky or impulsive behaviors, such as compulsive spending, gambling, or unsafe sexual encounters, as a means of distracting themselves from emotional pain and regaining a sense of control.
• Dissociation: Survivors might detach from their emotions and experiences by “checking out” mentally, entering a trance-like state, or engaging in daydreaming or fantasy as a way to avoid the emotional distress of exiles.

How IFS Helps Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

IFS therapy offers a compassionate and non-judgmental framework for understanding and healing the psychological wounds inflicted by narcissistic abuse. By exploring their internal parts, survivors can:

Identify and validate emotional pain

IFS allows survivors to acknowledge the suffering of their exiled parts, fostering self-compassion and healing.

Understand coping strategies

Recognizing the roles of managers and firefighters in maintaining inner stability helps survivors reframe maladaptive behaviors as attempts to protect themselves from further harm.

Integrate fragmented aspects of self

Through IFS, survivors can heal internal divisions, developing a more cohesive sense of identity and resilience in the face of past trauma.

Strengthen the Self

By accessing the innate wisdom of the “Self” (the core, undamaged part of an individual), survivors can develop a healthier relationship with their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.

Emotional coping mechanisms

In addition to ifs therapy for narcissistic abuse, it’s helpful for survivors to learn emotional coping mechanisms, such as self-soothing techniques and grounding techniques that help them cope with their emotions and regulate them, so they can stay “rooted” and grow their emotional resilience and self-esteem. 

Survivors who experience narcissism abuse, particularly those who grew up with narcissistic mothers or narcissistic parents, will have missed out in having a secure and stable childhood that helped them to grow up with personal building blocks to deal with life. 

Usually, when a child is anxious, a parent’s natural response will be to soothe and reassure the child. This helps the child to feel safe and secure and they will grow up with the tools to self-soothe, regulate their emotions, set boundaries and have a toxicity radar to protect themselves from entering abusive relationships. 

However, those who grow up in abusive homes lack the skills in setting boundaries, regulating their emotions, having discernment and self-esteem to assert themselves and advocate for their emotional wellbeing. 

Psychoeducation

Another important aspect of narcissism abuse is psychoeducation. Therapists who specialise in narcissism abuse will educate someone on the cycle of narcissism abuse, the red flags of abusive relationships, how to deal with a narcissist and other hallmarks of narcissism abuse such as legal abuse, financial abuse, sexual coercion and emotional exploitation. This psychoeducation empowers the victim through knowledge, discernment and self-trust. 

Conclusion

Internal Family Systems therapy for narcissistic abuse provides a powerful and transformative approach to healing the emotional wounds inflicted by narcissistic abuse. 

By fostering self-compassion and inner integration, survivors can regain control over their lives and pave the way for a brighter, more fulfilling future.

If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.