6 Tips on How to Make New Friends As An Adult And Overcome Isolation
6 Tips on How to Make New Friends As An Adult And Overcome Isolation
Knowing how to make new friends as an adult is hard. Especially when life transitions such as moving to a new city or starting a new job are involved.
I remember when I was in my mid-20s, fresh out of university, and had just moved to London for a new job at a startup. It was exciting, but it also felt incredibly lonely. I was working with very few colleagues, and most days I spent time on my own working and I found myself asking, “How the heck do I make friends now?”
My 20s were the loneliest years of my life and after ending a friendship with a friend, I realised that the people I was surrounded by were not my kind of friends at all. I often found that at social events, people would talk over each other with little to no genuine listening or understanding.
Sometimes loneliness is when we’re in a room full of people and we feel disconnected, unheard, and lacking genuine and meaningful connection.
I realised that many of the friends I was surrounded by displayed traits I didn’t like: self-centeredness, lacking empathy, care and listening. It was then I started to realize what I valued.
I also didn’t like the identity or role I played in the group. The one that gets talked over, the one that’s belittled, the one that’s disrespected, the one that’s unheard, the one that’s treated like a constant threat.
This realisation served as a catalyst for me to reevaluate my relationships and seek out more authentic and meaningful connections with people who valued emotional connection, other mindedness and personal growth.
I also realised that I didn’t want to surround myself with friends who were not jealous of me anymore, and I wanted to make friends with people who were confident and comfortable in their own skin.
I decided to go no contact with my friend and I also went no contact with everyone else connected, as I wanted a fresh start and a new path.
But it wasn’t smooth sailing. I had lost my dad to multiple system atrophy and then not long after lockdown happened.
All of the isolation trauma I dealt with my entire life and feeling ostracised because I didn’t have a support system around me pushed my self-worth to a point where I was at rock bottom.
My isolation made me vulnerable to toxic relationships, which lead to developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and dealing with hypervigilance and flashbacks.
This time, I decided I needed to start again, but this time something much more different, because I’d lived in different cities and it wasn’t working for me.
Now in my mid 30’s I feel that I have more self-awareness of myself and I’ve learned some things that have helped me create healthier and more meaningful friendships.
I think it’s hard making friends as an adult, especially when we are still unsure about who we are and we lack a support system. But I think having the wrong friends teaches us about who we are, what we value and what our needs and boundaries are.
So with that here’s what I’ve learned about how to make new friends as an adult:
1. Start with self-inquiry
An essential aspect of how to make new friends as an adult is recognising that our relationships with others are deeply intertwined with the relationship we cultivate with ourselves.
Knowing ourselves helps us have more clarity and discernment about the types of friends we want to surround ourselves with. When we’re more clear on how we want to feel when we’re with our friends, then we know which friendships we want to pursue and invest our time and energy in.
Embarking on a journey of self-discovery allows us to better understand our core values, aspirations, and the qualities we seek in others.
This starts with self-inquiry and asking ourselves: What lights me up? Who makes me expand and not contract? Who do I feel comfortable being my full self around? Who makes me feel heard and valued? What’s important to me?
2. Practice self-acceptance
When it comes to learning how to make new friends as an adult, something that’s overlooked is how we feel about ourselves.
When we’re wired to feel connection and belonging and we fear being ostracized from the group, we can get trapped in the cycle of wanting to be accepted and approved.
But the problem with this is when we life your life trying to be liked and accepted by others, we sacrifice our identity and lose ourselves, tarnishing our self esteem, and making ourselves vulnerable to people who prey upon our achilles heel and gain their own self esteem by diminishing our self esteem.
If we want to learn how to make friends as an adult, we have to learn how to practice self-acceptance.
Like Brene Brown says “Self-acceptance is the foundation of self-love and the gateway to true belonging. When we accept ourselves, we are less likely to change who we are to fit someone else’s idea of who we should be, and more likely to attract people into our lives who accept and appreciate us for who we are.”
When we accept ourselves for who we are, we’re also more comfortable to be around. People enjoy being around us, because we’re not acting like an arrogant asshole, constantly talking over others, dominating the conversation, belittling others and putting others’ self-esteem down to gain our self esteem.
We gain our self esteem by accepting ourselves, and people want to surround themselves with people they feel comfortable with.
3. Prioritise friends who listen
When it comes to learning how to make new friends as an adult, building meaningful connections with others involves creating an atmosphere of mutual understanding and respect.
There’s nothing worse than when you’re out with friends and one person talks in monologues or dominates the conversation and you can’t get a word in edgeways. You feel like you don’t have a voice and you don’t feel seen or heard.
In today’s fast-paced, technology-driven world, people have lost the art of conversation.
Often, people listen with the intent to reply rather than to understand, undermining the potential depth and richness of our relationships and exacerbating our feelings of loneliness and isolation.
We all want to feel seen and heard and having these emotional needs is completely natural. If you want to feel more seen and heard in your friendships, prioritise friendships with people who listen and practice active listening.
Active listening involves not only hearing the words spoken but also taking time to pause, paraphrase the speaker’s message, and demonstrate empathy for their perspective.
This process communicates a genuine interest in building authentic connections and helps others feel valued and understood.
Over time, you may find that the friendships you develop with those who practice active listening bring more joy and fulfillment to your life.
These connections allow you to fully express yourself, knowing that your thoughts and feelings are respected and appreciated.
Cultivating relationships with people who value the art of listening can contribute to a sense of belonging, emotional connection and greater emotional well-being. It might be that you decide to prioritize investing in more emotional energy in the friendships who value listening.
4. Know the difference between acquaintances and friendships
Forming meaningful relationships is an essential aspect of life, and understanding the difference between acquaintances and friendships is crucial when it comes to learning how to make new friends as an adult.
For years, I found myself investing time and energy into relationships that I believed were friendships, only to discover that these people were mere acquaintances who weren’t there for me when I needed a friend to lean on. Recognising the distinction between these two types of relationships can help protect your emotional well-being and ensure you invest your energy in the right people.
Some people may struggle with the emotional depth and responsibility that come with being a true friend, often shying away from providing support when needed.
This can lead to feelings of disappointment, isolation, and betrayal, as you come to terms with the superficial nature of the relationship. It wasn’t until my mid-30s that I realized there is a culture of acquaintances in the UK, where people often maintain surface-level connections without delving into deeper, more intimate friendships.
Understanding the difference between acquaintances and friendships can help you identify the people who are genuinely committed to mutual growth, support, and understanding.
Healthy friendships are characterised by reciprocity and a balance of giving and receiving, allowing both parties to benefit from a strong and nourishing bond.
Friendship is an energy exchange and everybody benefits.
When we others extend their care, kindness and support to us when we need a friend to rely on, that energy comes back to them when they need a friend to rely on. Having a positive mindset on being a giver in a relationship knowing that the energy comes back in a similar way or other ways is important in creating more meaningful friendships and reducing loneliness.
Unfortunately, some people may have a scarcity mindset due to their own pain or lack and they feel discomfort with emotions, closeness and relying on their friends.
It’s essential to recognise that these people may be on their own path, and they may not be the best friendships for you right now. By being aware of this distinction, you can surround yourself with friends who value the depth and vulnerability that make true friendships so rewarding.
However, being on the other side of this; sometimes when our friends aren’t as present in our lives as we would like it may be that they are struggling with their mental health, such as depression, anxiety or PTSD and they may be isolating or healing.
During these times, empathy and understanding are essential for nurturing a healthy friendship. By respecting their boundaries and offering gentle support, you can help create an environment where your friend feels safe and valued, which may ultimately strengthen your bond.
5. Diversify
If you do recognise that some of your friends may be going through a difficult period and may not be as present as you would like, it’s important to not put all your eggs in one basket or try to get all your needs met in one friend.
Sometimes when our sense of emotional connection has been so sparse in our lives, we might emotionally overinvest in friends to compensate for our fear of being alone.
But it’s important to recognise that we can’t get all of our emotional needs met from one person and we can’t expect one person to meet all our needs.
It’s likely that different friends will meet different emotional needs. We might have some friends that we enjoy having a laugh and giggle with and others where we can be super goofy, others where we have a deep and meaningful conversation with and others who are really reliable and always there for us if we need them. If we’re lucky we might find a friend who offers all of these things, but it’s healthier and more sustainable if we can express different side of ourselves with different friends.
Also, sometimes this idea of being emotionally available can come across as intense for others and they find this level of emotional intensity intimidating and threatening. It can come across as a bit braggy – where we’re basically saying check how emotionally available I am and how vulnerable I can be. Sometimes we might forget that the friends who make us laugh and be silly are what we need to forget about our problems, struggles and appreciate a good sense of humor.
6. Choose activity-focused events
Another thing to consider when discovering how to make new friends as an adult is choosing activity-focused events where there is there is an activity.
Attending classes, workshops, or events like cooking classes, fitness classes, or meditation sessions provides an opportunity to engage in a flow state and focus on the activity at hand. This can help you feel more present and reduce stress associated with forced social interactions.
For instance, I find dancing to be an activity that allows me to connect with my spirit, and attending dance classes regularly has led to connections with like-minded individuals. Engaging in activities we truly enjoy not only adds variety and novelty to our routines but also provides a sense of belonging and community.
What’s beautiful about going to activity-based events is that there is less social pressure and these events can lead to connection.
It gets us out of the house, gives us novelty and variety to our week as we’re meeting new people and it brings new energy, freshness and vitality to our mind, body and spirit.
As we attend these events consistently, we begin to recognise familiar faces and build a foundation for potential friendships.
We don’t necessarily need to become closest friends with people there, but having familiar faces and being part of something gives us a feeling of belonging and connection that we can build upon and it can be a seed to new connections.
It also helps us to build a healthy self-concept and personal identity that isn’t just tied to our job and career.
When our career isn’t going as well as we might like, we can feel stressed and anxious.
If all of our focus is on our career, we can struggle with low self-worth because we’re getting all of our worthiness from our career.
But when we have other areas of our life going well, we draw confidence from that. We draw confidence from knowing we’re good at something else and we gain confidence knowing that we’re welcomed and accepted in a community.
Recap
In summary, making new friends as an adult involves a combination of self-awareness, vulnerability, a commitment to personal growth and engaging in activity-based events. Begin by understanding and accepting yourself, then start engaging in authentic and open communication with others.
By implementing these strategies, you’ll be better equipped with how to make new friends as an adult, helping you to form lasting, fulfilling friendships that enrich your life and alleviate feelings of loneliness.
How internal family systems can help with loneliness
Learning how to make new friends as an adult can be challenging, and often when we’ve experienced long periods of isolation, there are strong internal parts that continue to reinforce that isolation.
In my work with people who have experienced complex trauma, I often see how a lack of emotional safety, connection, and love earlier in life can shape how we relate to others in adulthood. As a result, many people feel deeply isolated, anxious, and unsure of how to safely connect with others.
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, this can show up through protective “manager” parts such as the inner critic or self-doubt. These parts often try to keep us safe by preventing us from taking social risks telling us things like “you’ll be rejected,” “you’re too much,” or “you don’t belong.” While these parts can feel harsh, they are ultimately trying to protect us from the pain of past experiences.
Beneath these protective parts are often more vulnerable “exile” parts that carry feelings of shame, loneliness, and the belief that “something is wrong with me.” These parts are usually formed in response to early experiences where our emotional needs weren’t met, and they can make forming new friendships feel overwhelming or even unsafe. This is why when thinking about how to make new friends as an adult, it’s important to consider the isolation or low self worth that get in the way.
Through IFS, we can begin to build a compassionate relationship with these parts rather than being controlled by them. As we learn to soothe the anxious parts, soften the inner critic, and tend to the wounded exiles, we create a stronger sense of internal safety.
And when we feel safer within ourselves, connecting with others becomes less threatening and more natural. Instead of approaching friendships from a place of fear or self-protection, we can begin to show up with openness, authenticity, and trust laying the foundation for deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Through this therapeutic process, you can identify and heal any wounded or exiled parts of yourself that may have been shaped by past experiences of loneliness or rejection. Developing self-compassion and fostering a more balanced internal system can lead to increased self-awareness, emotional resilience, and authenticity.
As a result, you can engage in healthier relationships with others, cultivating deep, genuine connections that alleviate feelings of loneliness and foster a sense of belonging. Equipped with these insights and personal growth, you will be better prepared to learn how to make new friends as an adult and enjoy the benefits of lasting, supportive relationships.
Summary
In summary, learning how to make new friends as an adult is a deeply personal journey that begins within. When we understand ourselves, practice self-acceptance, and become aware of our emotional needs, we create a solid foundation for meaningful connection. Knowing how to make new friends as an adult also involves developing the ability to listen, recognising the difference between acquaintances and true friendships, and allowing space for different types of connections to meet different needs.
As you explore how to make new friends as an adult, it’s important to approach relationships with patience and compassion. Healing inner wounds and understanding protective patterns can make a significant difference in how safe and open you feel when connecting. How to make new friends as an adult isn’t about forcing connection, but about creating the conditions where authentic relationships can grow naturally.
By engaging in activities you enjoy and surrounding yourself with like-minded people, you increase your chances of forming genuine bonds. Ultimately, how to make new friends as an adult comes down to showing up as your authentic self, being open to connection, and trusting that the right people will resonate with who you truly are. When you commit to this process, how to make new friends as an adult becomes less overwhelming and more of an empowering and enriching experience.
Curious To Go Deeper and Overcome Isolation?
Many of the people I have worked with struggle with feelings of isolation and anxiety. Often they feel like a prison in their own mind, due to a lack of socialisation growing up. If you’re struggling with loneliness and you’d like support with healing parts of the self and creating more intimacy with others, we can help you to reconnect with yourself and grow in self-confidence.
