Relationships

11 Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner and How to Deal With It 

Are you consistently drawn to emotionally unavailable partners who seem distant and emotionally disconnected? Do you find yourself wondering why it’s so difficult to establish a deep, meaningful connection with someone you care about? Perhaps you’re feeling anxious & confused as you’re not clear on someone’s intentions of you. 

If so, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with understanding the complex dynamics of emotional available partners.

Emotional availability is the capacity to build authentic, vulnerable connections with others while being open and responsive to their emotional needs. On the other hand, emotionally unavailable partners struggle to engage on a deeper level, often maintaining an emotional distance that can leave their partners feeling frustrated and unfulfilled.

This blog post will explore eight signs of emotionally unavailable partners, helping you identify these patterns in your relationships and make more informed decisions about the people you choose to let into your life.

But first an intro into attachment theory

Attachment theory, which was first developed by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s, suggests that a child’s early relationship with their caregivers has a lasting impact on how they approach social interactions and relationships throughout their life.

According to Bowlby, the first social bond that a child forms is with their caregivers, typically their parents.

This early bond shapes the child’s developing brain and lays the foundation for their perceptions of social interactions and relationships.

A warm and nurturing environment, where caregivers are responsive to the child’s emotional needs, leads to the formation of a secure bond, known as secure attachment. This teaches the child that their emotions and needs will be recognised and supported, and that people can generally be trusted.

Conversely, if a child perceives that their needs are not being met, they may struggle to build a secure and stable bond with their caregivers. This can result in a distorted perception of relationships and how they function, potentially leading to difficulties in forming healthy social connections later in life.

There are three types of insecure attachment in adults:

As you embark on your journey in learning how to become securely attached, it’s important to first understand your current attachment style. Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and emotion that influence how we interact with others in our relationships. There are four main attachment styles:

Anxious attachment style (also known as ambivalent or preoccupied): Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to have emotional highs and lows, be drawn to emotionally unavailable partners and feel needy, stressed and anxious in a relationship. 

Avoidant attachment style (also known as dismissive or fearful-avoidant): Those with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with emotional intimacy and may distance themselves from their partners when feeling vulnerable.

Fearful avoidant attachment style (also known as disorganised): This attachment style is characterized by a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviors, leading to a confusing push-and-pull dynamic in relationships.

Secure attachment style: Securely attached individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and rely on their partners while maintaining their own independence. They can effectively communicate their needs and are empathetic to their partner’s emotions.

Understanding your attachment style will help you identify areas for personal growth and development as you work towards secure attachment. 

Take our attachment style quiz or reflect on your past relationships to gain insight into your current patterns.

They’re inconsistent

One of the most telling signs of emotionally unavailable partners is their inconsistency in communication. You might find that days go by without any contact, leaving you feeling uncertain and anxious about where you stand in the relationship. 

This inconsistency can create an emotional rollercoaster, as you’re left wondering if they’re genuinely interested or if they’ve lost interest entirely. Emotionally unavailable partners struggle to maintain open and regular communication, often leaving their significant others feeling neglected and unimportant.

This inconsistency can be a form of emotional self-protection for the emotionally unavailable individual, as it allows them to avoid vulnerability and maintain an emotional distance. However, for those seeking a deeper emotional connection, this pattern can be deeply frustrating and disheartening, leading to feelings of neglect and unimportance within the relationship.

Hot and cold behaviour

Emotionally unavailable partners often exhibit hot and cold behavior, sending mixed signals that can leave you feeling confused and uncertain about the relationship. This inconsistency might involve periods of intense closeness followed by sudden emotional distance, making it difficult to establish a stable connection.

For example, an emotionally unavailable partner might be highly affectionate and attentive one day, only to become distant and unreceptive the next. This push-and-pull dynamic creates a sense of instability and insecurity, as you’re left guessing where you stand in the relationship.

This hot and cold behavior can be a form of emotional self-protection for emotionally unavailable individuals. By alternating between intimacy and distance, they maintain a sense of control over their vulnerability, preventing themselves from fully opening up and potentially getting hurt.

However, this pattern can be detrimental to the health of the relationship, as it undermines trust and creates a cycle of anxiety and uncertainty. Recognizing the signs of emotional unavailability, such as hot and cold behavior, can help you understand your partner’s emotional patterns and make informed decisions about your relationship.

Recent break up

Another sign of emotionally unavailable partners is when a person has recently gone through a breakup. While it’s not uncommon for people to seek new connections after a relationship ends, emotionally unavailable individuals often rush into new romances without properly processing their past experiences. This can lead to unresolved emotional baggage that prevents them from fully investing in a new relationship.

Partnering with someone who has recently experienced a breakup can leave you in a vulnerable position. They might not be emotionally ready to commit to a new relationship, which can result in them pulling away when things become too serious. Additionally, their unresolved feelings from their past relationship could create a barrier to true intimacy and connection, leading to heartbreak and disappointment for those seeking a stable and committed partnership.

You feel needy, stressed & anxious 

If you’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, you might find yourself feeling increasingly needy, stressed, and anxious. This is because emotionally unavailable individuals often fail to provide the emotional support and reassurance needed to foster a sense of security and stability within the relationship.

As a result, you may find yourself constantly seeking validation or proof of their feelings for you. This can lead to a cycle of neediness, where you feel anxious and unsure about their commitment to the relationship. Over time, these feelings can become overwhelming and impact your self-esteem, as you begin to doubt your worthiness for love and connection.

Your inner child is getting triggered all the time

Emotional unavailability in a partner can trigger deep-seated insecurities and fears, particularly those related to your inner child. When your partner is distant, inconsistent, or unclear about their intentions, it can evoke feelings of abandonment, rejection, or inadequacy that stem from childhood experiences.

For example, if you experienced neglect or inconsistency from a primary caregiver as a child, an emotionally unavailable partner might unconsciously remind you of those painful experiences. As a result, their behavior can trigger a strong emotional response, such as heightened anxiety, anger, or despair, as your inner child attempts to protect you from the perceived threat of abandonment or rejection.

Your inner child’s reaction to an emotionally unavailable partner can reveal unhealed emotional wounds that require attention and self-compassion. By becoming aware of these triggers and exploring their roots, you can begin the process of healing and personal growth. This may involve healing your inner child to better understand your emotional needs and vulnerabilities.

Ultimately, recognizing and addressing your inner child’s triggers can empower you to make more conscious relationship choices and establish healthier boundaries, protecting yourself from further emotional distress and fostering a greater sense of self-awareness and self-worth.

You have a gut feeling

Your gut feelings, or intuition, can be a powerful indicator of an emotionally unavailable partner. If you find yourself consistently feeling uneasy or unsettled in your relationship and you have a voice that tells you “this person isn’t available and you’re going to feel anxious”, it’s essential to pay attention to these instincts, as they often serve as a warning sign that something isn’t quite right.

For instance, you might notice a persistent uneasiness or discomfort in your stomach when your partner acts distant or inconsistent. This gut reaction can be a subtle clue that your emotional needs aren’t being met, or that the relationship may not be a healthy fit for you.

Trusting your gut feelings means that you should acknowledge and explore these instincts. By taking the time to reflect on your gut reactions and considering them alongside other information and experiences in your relationship, you can gain a clearer understanding of your partner’s emotional availability and the overall health of your connection.

Remember, your gut feelings are a valuable part of your emotional intelligence and can serve as a guide for making decisions that align with your values, needs, and overall well-being.

However, what usually happens is that people who lean towards anxious attachment may have difficulty trusting their gut and instead of listening to their gut, they will doubt themselves and stay in their head. This will lead to overthinking, over-analysing and wasting time and energy on a person who can’t meet their needs. 

In my course Heal Insecure Attachment I help people to heal their inner child and process the feelings of rejection and abandonment they felt as a child, so they can release emotions from the past. 

Often, we make unconscious relationship choices and we will choose partners who mirror our unmet needs. So if we haven’t processed our earlier experiences of parents who were emotionally distant and neglectful, we will have a hard time noticing the red flags and we will hold onto emotionally unavailable partners who can’t meet our emotional needs. 

In my course Heal Insecure Attachment, you’ll learn advanced psychotherapeutic techniques to replace anxiety with compassion, break the cycle of chasing emotionally unavailable partners and create secure and supportive relationships.

You remain anonymous 

Another sign of an emotionally unavailable partner is when they keep you anonymous and don’t introduce you to their family or friends. 

This behavior suggests that they may not be fully invested in the relationship or are unsure about their feelings for you. By avoiding these introductions, they maintain a level of emotional distance, preventing the relationship from deepening and evolving.

This can leave you feeling isolated and unacknowledged within the context of their life. It may also create a sense of insecurity, as you’re left wondering why they’re reluctant to share your connection with those closest to them.

A partner’s reluctance to introduce you to their loved ones could also indicate a lack of commitment to the relationship. By keeping you separate from other important aspects of their life, they may be signaling that they’re not ready or willing to fully integrate you into their world.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you remain anonymous, it’s important to communicate your concerns and discuss your partner’s intentions for the relationship. By addressing this issue openly, you can gain a better understanding of their emotional availability and determine whether the connection is truly meeting your needs and expectations.

They are defensive

Emotionally unavailable partners often exhibit defensiveness as a way to protect themselves from vulnerability and emotional intimacy. This can manifest in various ways, such as blaming others, dismissing your feelings, or resisting personal growth. These behaviors create barriers that prevent the relationship from deepening and can leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood.

For example, emotionally unavailable partners might become defensive when you express your emotions or concerns, invalidating your feelings and avoiding responsibility for their actions. This defensiveness can make it difficult to address issues and work towards positive change in the relationship, ultimately hindering the development of trust and intimacy.

Defensiveness in emotionally unavailable partners can have a significant impact on the overall health and longevity of the relationship. By avoiding accountability and resisting personal growth, these individuals create an environment that lacks emotional safety and support. This can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and disconnection for their partners, who may eventually question the relationship’s potential for long-term fulfillment and satisfaction.

They lack empathy

Another sign of emotional unavailability is difficulty demonstrating empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, which is crucial for establishing a deep emotional connection in a relationship. Emotionally unavailable partners may struggle to put themselves in your shoes, leaving you feeling misunderstood or uncared for.

This lack of empathy can be particularly challenging when you’re going through a difficult time and need a supportive partner to lean on. Without empathy, emotionally unavailable individuals may dismiss your feelings or provide unhelpful advice, failing to offer the emotional support and understanding you crave.

The struggle with empathy in emotionally unavailable partners can stem from a deeper emotional detachment. These individuals may have built up emotional walls to protect themselves from vulnerability and potential hurt. As a result, they find it difficult to fully engage with their own emotions, let alone the emotions of others.

This emotional detachment can create a sense of loneliness and frustration in the relationship. Without a genuine emotional connection, it’s hard to develop trust, intimacy, and long-lasting love. Recognizing the signs of emotional unavailability can help you make informed decisions about your relationship and work towards establishing healthier emotional bonds.

Withholding thoughts and feelings

Another sign of emotional unavailability is the tendency to withhold thoughts and feelings from their partner. Emotionally unavailable individuals might struggle to open up and share what’s on their mind, creating a sense of mystery or secrecy in the relationship.

This withholding of emotions can stem from a fear of vulnerability or a desire to maintain emotional control. By keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves, emotionally unavailable partners avoid the risk of getting hurt or rejected, but at the cost of establishing a genuine emotional connection with their significant other.

Withholding thoughts and feelings can have a detrimental impact on intimacy in the relationship. As trust and emotional connection rely on open and honest communication, emotionally unavailable partners’ reluctance to share their inner world can create a barrier to closeness. Over time, this can lead to feelings of loneliness and frustration for their partners, who may crave a deeper understanding and emotional bond.

Recognizing the signs of emotional unavailability, such as withholding thoughts and feelings, can help you better understand your partner’s emotional patterns and work towards fostering a more open and intimate connection.

Unclear of their intentions

Emotionally unavailable partners often struggle to communicate their intentions clearly, leaving you uncertain about the direction and future of the relationship. This lack of clarity can manifest in various ways, such as avoiding discussions about commitment, refusing to define the relationship, or sending mixed signals about their feelings.

When your partner’s intentions are unclear, it can be challenging to develop trust and emotional security in the relationship. This ambiguity creates a sense of instability, as you’re left questioning whether your partner is genuinely invested in building a future together or simply content with maintaining the status quo.

Emotionally unavailable partners might keep their intentions vague as a form of emotional self-preservation. By avoiding commitment or clear communication about their feelings, they protect themselves from potential rejection or heartbreak. However, this ambiguity can leave you feeling anxious and unsure about your place in their life, hindering the development of a strong emotional bond.

Recognizing the signs of emotionally unavailable partners, such as unclear intentions, can help you better understand your partner’s emotional patterns and make informed decisions about the relationship’s potential for long-term fulfillment and emotional connection.

Curious to Go Deeper?

If you’re curious to go deeper with IFS therapy and ease anxiety, create a secure internal attachment and choose relationships that meet your emotional needs, I can help. Simply fill out the form below and I’ll be in touch.

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6 Tips on How to Make New Friends As An Adult And Overcome Isolation

Knowing how to make new friends as an adult is hard. Especially when life transitions such as moving to a new city or starting a new job are involved. 

I remember when I was in my mid-20s, fresh out of university, and had just moved to London for a new job at a startup. It was exciting, but it also felt incredibly lonely. I was working with very few colleagues, and most days I spent time on my own working and I found myself asking, “How the heck do I make friends now?”

My 20s were the loneliest years of my life and after ending a friendship with a friend, I realised that the people I was surrounded by were not my kind of friends at all. I often found that at social events, people would talk over each other with little to no genuine listening or understanding.

Sometimes loneliness is when we’re in a room full of people and we feel disconnected, unheard, and lacking genuine and meaningful connection. 

I realised that many of the friends I was surrounded by displayed traits I didn’t like: self-centeredness, lacking empathy, care and listening. It was then I started to realize what I valued.

I also didn’t like the identity or role I played in the group. The one that gets talked over, the one that’s belittled, the one that’s disrespected, the one that’s unheard, the one that’s treated like a constant threat. 

This realisation served as a catalyst for me to reevaluate my relationships and seek out more authentic and meaningful connections with people who valued emotional connection, other mindedness and personal growth. 

I also realised that I didn’t want to surround myself with friends who were not jealous of me anymore, and I wanted to make friends with people who were confident and comfortable in their own skin.

I decided to go no contact with my friend and I also went no contact with everyone else connected, as I wanted a fresh start and a new path. 

But it wasn’t smooth sailing. I had lost my dad to multiple system atrophy and then not long after lockdown happened. 

All of the isolation trauma I dealt with my entire life and feeling ostracised because I didn’t have a support system around me pushed my self-worth to a point where I was at rock bottom. 

My isolation made me vulnerable to toxic relationships, which lead to developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and dealing with hypervigilance and flashbacks.

This time, I decided I needed to start again, but this time something much more different, because I’d lived in different cities and it wasn’t working for me.

Now in my mid 30’s I feel that I have more self-awareness of myself and I’ve learned some things that have helped me create healthier and more meaningful friendships.

I think it’s hard making friends as an adult, especially when we are still unsure about who we are and we lack a support system. But I think having the wrong friends teaches us about who we are, what we value and what our needs and boundaries are.

So with that here’s what I’ve learned about how to make new friends as an adult:

1. Start with self-inquiry 

An essential aspect of how to make new friends as an adult is recognising that our relationships with others are deeply intertwined with the relationship we cultivate with ourselves.

Knowing ourselves helps us have more clarity and discernment about the types of friends we want to surround ourselves with. When we’re more clear on how we want to feel when we’re with our friends, then we know which friendships we want to pursue and invest our time and energy in.

Embarking on a journey of self-discovery allows us to better understand our core values, aspirations, and the qualities we seek in others. 

This starts with self-inquiry and asking ourselves: What lights me up? Who makes me expand and not contract? Who do I feel comfortable being my full self around? Who makes me feel heard and valued? What’s important to me?

2. Practice self-acceptance

When it comes to learning how to make new friends as an adult, something that’s overlooked is how we feel about ourselves. 

When we’re wired to feel connection and belonging and we fear being ostracized from the group, we can get trapped in the cycle of wanting to be accepted and approved. 

But the problem with this is when we life your life trying to be liked and accepted by others, we sacrifice our identity and lose ourselves, tarnishing our self esteem, and making ourselves vulnerable to people who prey upon our achilles heel and gain their own self esteem by diminishing our self esteem.

If we want to learn how to make friends as an adult, we have to learn how to practice self-acceptance. 

Like Brene Brown says “Self-acceptance is the foundation of self-love and the gateway to true belonging. When we accept ourselves, we are less likely to change who we are to fit someone else’s idea of who we should be, and more likely to attract people into our lives who accept and appreciate us for who we are.”

When we accept ourselves for who we are, we’re also more comfortable to be around. People enjoy being around us, because we’re not acting like an arrogant asshole, constantly talking over others, dominating the conversation, belittling others and putting others’ self-esteem down to gain our self esteem. 

We gain our self esteem by accepting ourselves, and people want to surround themselves with people they feel comfortable with.

3. Prioritise friends who listen

When it comes to learning how to make new friends as an adult, building meaningful connections with others involves creating an atmosphere of mutual understanding and respect. 

There’s nothing worse than when you’re out with friends and one person talks in monologues or dominates the conversation and you can’t get a word in edgeways. You feel like you don’t have a voice and you don’t feel seen or heard. 

In today’s fast-paced, technology-driven world, people have lost the art of conversation. 

Often, people listen with the intent to reply rather than to understand, undermining the potential depth and richness of our relationships and exacerbating our feelings of loneliness and isolation. 

We all want to feel seen and heard and having these emotional needs is completely natural. If you want to feel more seen and heard in your friendships, prioritise friendships with people who listen and practice active listening.

Active listening involves not only hearing the words spoken but also taking time to pause, paraphrase the speaker’s message, and demonstrate empathy for their perspective. 

This process communicates a genuine interest in building authentic connections and helps others feel valued and understood.

Over time, you may find that the friendships you develop with those who practice active listening bring more joy and fulfillment to your life. 

These connections allow you to fully express yourself, knowing that your thoughts and feelings are respected and appreciated. 

Cultivating relationships with people who value the art of listening can contribute to a sense of belonging, emotional connection and greater emotional well-being. It might be that you decide to prioritize investing in more emotional energy in the friendships who value listening.

4. Know the difference between acquaintances and friendships 

Forming meaningful relationships is an essential aspect of life, and understanding the difference between acquaintances and friendships is crucial when it comes to learning how to make new friends as an adult.

For years, I found myself investing time and energy into relationships that I believed were friendships, only to discover that these people were mere acquaintances who weren’t there for me when I needed a friend to lean on. Recognising the distinction between these two types of relationships can help protect your emotional well-being and ensure you invest your energy in the right people.

Some people may struggle with the emotional depth and responsibility that come with being a true friend, often shying away from providing support when needed. 

This can lead to feelings of disappointment, isolation, and betrayal, as you come to terms with the superficial nature of the relationship. It wasn’t until my mid-30s that I realized there is a culture of acquaintances in the UK, where people often maintain surface-level connections without delving into deeper, more intimate friendships.

Understanding the difference between acquaintances and friendships can help you identify the people who are genuinely committed to mutual growth, support, and understanding. 

Healthy friendships are characterised by reciprocity and a balance of giving and receiving, allowing both parties to benefit from a strong and nourishing bond. 

Friendship is an energy exchange and everybody benefits. 

When we others extend their care, kindness and support to us when we need a friend to rely on, that energy comes back to them when they need a friend to rely on. Having a positive mindset on being a giver in a relationship knowing that the energy comes back in a similar way or other ways is important in creating more meaningful friendships and reducing loneliness.

Unfortunately, some people may have a scarcity mindset due to their own pain or lack and they feel discomfort with emotions, closeness and relying on their friends. 

It’s essential to recognise that these people may be on their own path, and they may not be the best friendships for you right now. By being aware of this distinction, you can surround yourself with friends who value the depth and vulnerability that make true friendships so rewarding.

However, being on the other side of this; sometimes when our friends aren’t as present in our lives as we would like it may be that they are struggling with their mental health, such as depression, anxiety or PTSD and they may be isolating or healing. 

During these times, empathy and understanding are essential for nurturing a healthy friendship. By respecting their boundaries and offering gentle support, you can help create an environment where your friend feels safe and valued, which may ultimately strengthen your bond.

5. Diversify

If you do recognise that some of your friends may be going through a difficult period and may not be as present as you would like, it’s important to not put all your eggs in one basket or try to get all your needs met in one friend.

Sometimes when our sense of emotional connection has been so sparse in our lives, we might emotionally overinvest in friends to compensate for our fear of being alone. 

But it’s important to recognise that we can’t get all of our emotional needs met from one person and we can’t expect one person to meet all our needs.

It’s likely that different friends will meet different emotional needs. We might have some friends that we enjoy having a laugh and giggle with and others where we can be super goofy, others where we have a deep and meaningful conversation with and others who are really reliable and always there for us if we need them. If we’re lucky we might find a friend who offers all of these things, but it’s healthier and more sustainable if we can express different side of ourselves with different friends.

Also, sometimes this idea of being emotionally available can come across as intense for others and they find this level of emotional intensity intimidating and threatening. It can come across as a bit braggy – where we’re basically saying check how emotionally available I am and how vulnerable I can be. Sometimes we might forget that the friends who make us laugh and be silly are what we need to forget about our problems, struggles and appreciate a good sense of humor. 

6. Choose activity-focused events

Another thing to consider when discovering how to make new friends as an adult is choosing activity-focused events where there is there is an activity. 

Attending classes, workshops, or events like cooking classes, fitness classes, or meditation sessions provides an opportunity to engage in a flow state and focus on the activity at hand. This can help you feel more present and reduce stress associated with forced social interactions.

For instance, I find dancing to be an activity that allows me to connect with my spirit, and attending dance classes regularly has led to connections with like-minded individuals. Engaging in activities we truly enjoy not only adds variety and novelty to our routines but also provides a sense of belonging and community.

What’s beautiful about going to activity-based events is that there is less social pressure and these events can lead to connection. 

It gets us out of the house, gives us novelty and variety to our week as we’re meeting new people and it brings new energy, freshness and vitality to our mind, body  and spirit. 

As we attend these events consistently, we begin to recognise familiar faces and build a foundation for potential friendships. 

We don’t necessarily need to become closest friends with people there, but having familiar faces and being part of something gives us a feeling of belonging and connection that we can build upon and it can be a seed to new connections.

It also helps us to build a healthy self-concept and personal identity that isn’t just tied to our job and career. 

When our career isn’t going as well as we might like, we can feel stressed and anxious. 

If all of our focus is on our career, we can struggle with low self-worth because we’re getting all of our worthiness from our career. 

But when we have other areas of our life going well, we draw confidence from that. We draw confidence from knowing we’re good at something else and we gain confidence knowing that we’re welcomed and accepted in a community.

Recap

In summary, making new friends as an adult involves a combination of self-awareness, vulnerability, a commitment to personal growth and engaging in activity-based events. Begin by understanding and accepting yourself, then start engaging in authentic and open communication with others. 

By implementing these strategies, you’ll be better equipped with how to make new friends as an adult, helping you to form lasting, fulfilling friendships that enrich your life and alleviate feelings of loneliness.

How internal family systems can help with loneliness

Learning how to make new friends as an adult can be challenging, and often when we’ve experienced long periods of isolation, there are strong internal parts that continue to reinforce that isolation.

In my work with people who have experienced complex trauma, I often see how a lack of emotional safety, connection, and love earlier in life can shape how we relate to others in adulthood. As a result, many people feel deeply isolated, anxious, and unsure of how to safely connect with others.

From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, this can show up through protective “manager” parts such as the inner critic or self-doubt. These parts often try to keep us safe by preventing us from taking social risks telling us things like “you’ll be rejected,” “you’re too much,” or “you don’t belong.” While these parts can feel harsh, they are ultimately trying to protect us from the pain of past experiences.

Beneath these protective parts are often more vulnerable “exile” parts that carry feelings of shame, loneliness, and the belief that “something is wrong with me.” These parts are usually formed in response to early experiences where our emotional needs weren’t met, and they can make forming new friendships feel overwhelming or even unsafe. This is why when thinking about how to make new friends as an adult, it’s important to consider the isolation or low self worth that get in the way.

Through IFS, we can begin to build a compassionate relationship with these parts rather than being controlled by them. As we learn to soothe the anxious parts, soften the inner critic, and tend to the wounded exiles, we create a stronger sense of internal safety.

And when we feel safer within ourselves, connecting with others becomes less threatening and more natural. Instead of approaching friendships from a place of fear or self-protection, we can begin to show up with openness, authenticity, and trust laying the foundation for deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Through this therapeutic process, you can identify and heal any wounded or exiled parts of yourself that may have been shaped by past experiences of loneliness or rejection. Developing self-compassion and fostering a more balanced internal system can lead to increased self-awareness, emotional resilience, and authenticity.

As a result, you can engage in healthier relationships with others, cultivating deep, genuine connections that alleviate feelings of loneliness and foster a sense of belonging. Equipped with these insights and personal growth, you will be better prepared to learn how to make new friends as an adult and enjoy the benefits of lasting, supportive relationships.

Summary

In summary, learning how to make new friends as an adult is a deeply personal journey that begins within. When we understand ourselves, practice self-acceptance, and become aware of our emotional needs, we create a solid foundation for meaningful connection. Knowing how to make new friends as an adult also involves developing the ability to listen, recognising the difference between acquaintances and true friendships, and allowing space for different types of connections to meet different needs.

As you explore how to make new friends as an adult, it’s important to approach relationships with patience and compassion. Healing inner wounds and understanding protective patterns can make a significant difference in how safe and open you feel when connecting. How to make new friends as an adult isn’t about forcing connection, but about creating the conditions where authentic relationships can grow naturally.

By engaging in activities you enjoy and surrounding yourself with like-minded people, you increase your chances of forming genuine bonds. Ultimately, how to make new friends as an adult comes down to showing up as your authentic self, being open to connection, and trusting that the right people will resonate with who you truly are. When you commit to this process, how to make new friends as an adult becomes less overwhelming and more of an empowering and enriching experience.

Curious To Go Deeper and Overcome Isolation?

Many of the people I have worked with struggle with feelings of isolation and anxiety. Often they feel like a prison in their own mind, due to a lack of socialisation growing up. If you’re struggling with loneliness and you’d like support with healing parts of the self and creating more intimacy with others, we can help you to reconnect with yourself and grow in self-confidence.

Simply get in touch for an initial session here.

12 Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Man To Set Boundaries and Protect Yourself From Anxiety

We’ve all been there. You meet a guy, and everything seems great at first. He’s charming, funny, and you have an instant connection. But as the relationship progresses, you start to notice some red flags. Maybe he never wants to talk about his feelings, goes from hot to cold without any explanation and pulls away after intimacy. These could be signs that you’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable man. Identifying these signs early can save you a lot of heartache down the road.

Emotional unavailability can take many forms, but it often boils down to a person who struggles to connect on a deeper level. This could be due to past experiences, fear of vulnerability, or even unresolved personal issues.

Being with someone who’s emotionally unavailable can be draining, especially when you’re looking for a deeper connection. 

You may find yourself constantly wondering where you stand, or feeling like you’re putting in all the effort while your partner remains aloof. It’s important to remember that you deserve a partner who is present, invested, and willing to work on building a strong emotional bond with you.

The Impact of Dating An Emotionally Unavailable Man

Often, the women I work with are highly successful in their careers (CEOs, leaders, and driven professionals across industries like tech, finance, government and health). On the surface, they appear to have it all together, yet when it comes to relationships, many find themselves struggling.

Dating someone who is emotionally unavailable can have a significant impact on your emotional well-being and create anxiety. When someone struggles to connect on a deeper level, it can leave you feeling lonely, confused, and unfulfilled even when you’re not physically alone.

When your emotional needs aren’t being met, it doesn’t stay contained within the relationship, it begins to affect every part of you. The lack of emotional connection creates a sense of emptiness. As human beings, we’re wired for intimacy, consistency, and genuine connection, and when those needs go unmet, it can leave you longing for something more.

Inconsistency and a lack of clear, open communication create ongoing uncertainty. You may find yourself questioning their intentions, where you stand, or even the status of the relationship. This unpredictability often leads to anxiety, keeping you in a heightened state of alert, constantly trying to read between the lines or anticipate their behaviour.

Over time, this emotional instability can trigger feelings of abandonment, leading to low mood or even depression. You may feel disconnected not only from your partner, but from yourself drained, unsettled, and unsure why something that should feel supportive instead feels so difficult.

This dynamic can also begin to erode your self-worth. When you’re not being fully chosen or prioritized, it’s easy to internalize that as “I’m not enough,” rather than recognizing that your needs simply aren’t being met.

What’s often happening underneath all of this is self-abandonment. You stay, hoping things will change, while gradually neglecting your own needs. You begin to tolerate less than what you truly desire emotionally, mentally, and even physically.

And this doesn’t just impact your emotional health. Living in a constant state of stress and uncertainty can take a toll on your nervous system and your physical wellbeing, too.

Ultimately, your relationships will reflect what you’re available for and what you believe you deserve.

12 Signs Of An Emotionally Unavailable Man

Recognising emotional unavailability in a partner is crucial for being logical when it comes to relationships and learning to trust your instincts and gut about whether someone has the capacity to meet your emotional needs. Ultimately, informing yourself on the signs of an emotionally unavailable man can inform you and give you the knowledge to trust your instincts, set boundaries and protect your mental health.

So with that, here are 12 signs that your partner might be emotionally unavailable.

1. Inconsistent behaviour

Inconsistent behavior in a relationship can create confusion and emotional turmoil. When your partner’s actions and attitudes fluctuate unpredictably, it can lead to instability and uncertainty within the relationship. Let’s explore the effects of inconsistent behavior and how to address it.

One significant consequence of inconsistent behavior is the erosion of trust. Trust is built on consistency and reliability, so when your partner’s behavior is unpredictable, it can be challenging to trust their intentions or depend on them for emotional support. This lack of trust can weaken the foundation of your relationship.

Inconsistent behavior can also lead to anxiety and stress. The constant unpredictability might leave you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, never knowing which version of your partner you’ll encounter. This sense of uncertainty can harm your overall well-being.

Experiencing hot-and-cold behavior from your partner may cause self-doubt and lower your self-esteem. You might question your own worth or actions, wondering if you’re to blame for their changing attitudes. This can further damage the relationship and your emotional health.

Additionally, inconsistent behavior impedes the development of emotional intimacy. It’s difficult to feel close to someone when you’re unsure about their feelings or commitment to the relationship. This lack of emotional intimacy can result in a shallow connection that leaves you feeling unfulfilled.

2. Low effort

In a healthy relationship, both partners invest time, energy, and effort to make the partnership thrive. However, when a partner puts in low effort, it can signal emotional unavailability and hinder the relationship’s growth. 

A partner who exhibits low effort might rarely initiate plans, put effort into organising dates, engage in meaningful conversations, or show interest in your life. 

Perhaps you’re the one doing the chasing and you’re organising and planning dates, and you’re having to explain to him about needing to meet up regularly to maintain your connection.

This lack of engagement can leave you feeling neglected and unappreciated, as if you’re the only one working to maintain the relationship.

Dating a low-effort partner can also lead to self-doubt and diminished self-worth. You might question whether you’re asking for too much or if you’re simply not worth the effort, which can erode your confidence and emotional well-being.

3. Disinterest in your emotions

When it comes to relationships, emotional connection is key. One crucial aspect of this connection is having a partner who is invested in your emotions. However, if your partner consistently shows a lack of interest in your feelings, it could be a significant red flag for emotional unavailability.

An emotionally unavailable partner might struggle to empathize with your emotions or provide the emotional support you need. Their disinterest in your feelings could indicate an inability or unwillingness to engage with emotions, not just yours but also their own. This emotional disconnect can make it challenging to establish a deep, meaningful bond in the relationship.

If your partner dismisses or ignores your feelings, it can leave you questioning their commitment and care for you. This emotional neglect can create feelings of loneliness, frustration, and self-doubt. In the long run, it may erode trust and intimacy, leading to a strained relationship.

Recognising this red flag is essential to safe-guard your emotional well-being as a woman. It’s important to communicate your concerns to your partner and work together to address the issue. However, if your partner continues to show disinterest in your emotions despite your efforts, it may be a sign that they’re emotionally unavailable and unable to meet your emotional needs.

4. Unwillingness to commit

In a healthy relationship, both partners are typically open to discussing the future and making plans together. However, if your partner shows an unwillingness to commit, it could be a sign of emotional unavailability. Let’s delve into what this looks like and how it affects your relationship.

An emotionally unavailable partner might avoid talking about the future or making long-term plans with you. They may seem hesitant to take steps that would deepen the relationship, such as moving in together or getting engaged. This reluctance to commit can leave you feeling uncertain about the relationship’s stability and your partner’s intentions.

When your partner avoids committing, it may create an emotional distance between you. The lack of shared goals and dreams can make it difficult to feel connected and invested in the relationship. Over time, this uncertainty can lead to frustration and resentment, as you might feel like you’re putting in more effort than your partner.

An unwillingness to commit can also hinder personal growth within the relationship. Without a shared vision for the future, it’s challenging to develop emotional intimacy and trust, which are essential for a fulfilling partnership.

5. Defensiveness

In any healthy relationship, open and honest communication is key. However, if your partner frequently becomes defensive during discussions, especially when talking about emotions or relationship issues, it could be a sign of emotional unavailability. Let’s take a closer look at how defensiveness can impact your relationship.

A defensive partner might shut down, stonewall, or become argumentative when faced with emotional topics. They could interpret your concerns as personal attacks and respond by denying responsibility or shifting the blame onto you. This behavior pattern makes it challenging to resolve conflicts and can create emotional distance between you.

Experiencing defensiveness from your partner may also lead to self-doubt. You might question the validity of your feelings or wonder if you’re overreacting, which can negatively affect your self-esteem. Over time, this can result in a cycle of negative communication and increased tension within the relationship.

Defensiveness can hinder personal growth within the relationship, as it prevents you from addressing and working through issues together. Without the ability to openly discuss your emotions and concerns, it’s difficult to develop emotional intimacy and trust, which are crucial components of a fulfilling partnership.

6. Self centeredness 

A healthy relationship involves a balance of give and take, where both partners consider each other’s needs and desires. However, if your partner consistently puts their own needs above yours, it could indicate a man is emotionally unavailable. Let’s delve into how self-centeredness can impact your relationship.

A self-centered partner may prioritize their own feelings, interests, and goals without considering yours. This could manifest as always choosing activities they prefer, dismissing your opinions, or expecting you to make sacrifices without reciprocating. Over time, this imbalance can lead to feelings of neglect and resentment.

Dating a self-centered person can also negatively affect your self-esteem. You might start to believe that your needs and desires are less important than your partner’s, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth. This can create an unhealthy dynamic where you consistently put your partner’s happiness above your own.

Personal growth can also be hindered in a relationship with a self-centered partner. As they focus primarily on their own needs and experiences, you may miss out on opportunities for mutual support and learning. This lack of emotional engagement can make it challenging to cultivate a deep, meaningful bond.

7. Limited emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, understand, and manage emotions in oneself and others. In a healthy relationship, partners with high emotional intelligence can empathize with each other and communicate their feelings effectively. However, a lack of emotional intelligence can indicate a man is emotionally unavailable, which can hinder a relationship’s growth and connection.

A partner with low emotional intelligence may struggle to identify and express their own emotions, making it difficult for you to understand their feelings and needs. This can result in confusion and frustration as you attempt to navigate their emotional landscape.

Additionally, a partner who lacks emotional intelligence may have trouble understanding and responding to your emotions. They might dismiss your feelings, offer unhelpful advice, or fail to provide the emotional support you need. Over time, this can lead to feelings of loneliness and a lack of emotional intimacy.

8. Lack of vulnerability 

In a healthy relationship, vulnerability plays a crucial role in building emotional intimacy and trust. However, when a partner is emotionally unavailable, they may struggle with vulnerability, creating barriers to a deep, meaningful connection. Here’s how a lack of vulnerability can impact your relationship.

A partner who avoids vulnerability might hesitate to share their feelings, fears, or personal experiences, making it challenging for you to understand and support them. This emotional distance can create a sense of disconnection and frustration as you try to navigate the relationship without a complete understanding of your partner’s inner world.

Dating someone who is not vulnerable can also leave you feeling like you’re the only one taking emotional risks. Continuously opening up without receiving the same level of vulnerability in return can create an imbalance in the relationship and lead to feelings of emotional exhaustion.

9. Low effort

In a healthy relationship, both partners invest time, energy, and effort to make the partnership thrive. However, when a partner puts in low effort, it can signal emotional unavailability and hinder the relationship’s growth. 

A partner who exhibits low effort might rarely initiate plans, put effort into organising dates, engage in meaningful conversations, or show interest in your life. 

Perhaps you’re the one doing the chasing and you’re organising and planning dates, and you’re having to explain to him about needing to meet up regularly to maintain your connection.

This lack of engagement can leave you feeling neglected and unappreciated, as if you’re the only one working to maintain the relationship.

Dating a low-effort partner can also lead to self-doubt and diminished self-worth. You might question whether you’re asking for too much or if you’re simply not worth the effort, which can erode your confidence and emotional well-being.

10. Pay attention to their history 

While we can’t judge people solely based on their past, paying attention to a potential partner’s relationship history can offer valuable insights. Our behaviors in relationships often stem from unconscious patterns. Without self-awareness and intentional changes, these patterns tend to repeat.

Men who are emotionally unavailable might have a history of situationships, preferring to avoid the vulnerability that comes with committed relationships. 

Listen for a pattern of blaming their exes or attributing relationship failures solely to their former partners. While no one is perfect, an emotionally unavailable person may avoid taking accountability for their role in past relationships. You might notice a pattern of short-lived relationships due to an underlying fear of intimacy.

Recognizing these signs doesn’t mean dismissing someone based on their history, but it’s crucial to consider this information within the broader context of their current behavior and communication.

11. You feel unheard 

In a healthy relationship, it’s essential to feel understood and valued by your partner. However, when you’re with an emotionally unavailable partner, you may often feel dismissed or overlooked, no matter how hard you try to communicate your feelings. They might seem to listen to your words, but they don’t make a genuine effort to comprehend your emotions or experiences fully.

You might find yourself feeling insecure and misunderstood, particularly when your partner becomes impatient or annoyed by your vulnerability. They may label you as “needy” or “complicated,” dismissing your valid emotional needs. While you might think your insecurities stem from your partner’s criticism, it’s important to recognize that these feelings can also arise from not experiencing a sense of safety and security in the relationship.

Remember that you deserve a partner who genuinely cares about your emotions and values your emotional well-being. If you’re with someone who makes you feel unseen and unsafe, then it’s important to reconsider this relationship if they don’t meet your emotional needs.

12. Feeling confused

In any relationship, clarity and consistency are essential for a strong foundation. However, when dating an emotionally unavailable man, you might find yourself feeling confused more often than not. This confusion can stem from mixed messages, unpredictable behavior, or a general lack of emotional transparency. Let’s delve into this common sign of emotional unavailability.

An emotionally unavailable partner man make promises and then fails to follow through, leaving you unsure about their intentions. They may say one thing and do another, causing frustration and confusion. This inconsistency can erode trust and create feelings of insecurity within the relationship.

Additionally, emotionally unavailable men might oscillate between being emotionally present and distant. One day, they might be affectionate and engaged, only to withdraw and become cold the next. This hot-and-cold behavior can leave you feeling confused and uncertain about the relationship’s stability.

Navigating this emotional rollercoaster can be exhausting and ultimately damaging to your well-being. If you find yourself frequently questioning your partner’s feelings or intentions, it may be a sign that you’re dealing with emotional unavailability.

Why you struggle to let go of an emotionally unavailable person

Do you find yourself clinging to a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, even though you know it’s not the best for you? You’re not alone!

You might cognitively know that they’re emotionally unavailable, but because you’re attached to this person, it might feel hard to let go of them. 

This attachment can become even more complicated if you have a history of attachment trauma, where you grew up with parents or caregivers who were emotionally unavailable. Your upbringing can subconsciously influence your relationship patterns, leading you to seek out partners who are similarly emotionally distant. This familiarity can create a sense of comfort, even if it’s ultimately unfulfilling and painful.

How internal family systems therapy can help you

Our attachments to others often operate at a subconscious level, making it difficult to break away from relationships that aren’t serving us. Even when we consciously recognise that a partner is emotionally unavailable, our subconscious mind may cling to the familiarity or potential of the connection. This internal conflict between the subconscious and conscious mind can lead us to become attached to emotionally unavailable men.

To overcome these attachment patterns and break free from relationships that no longer serve us, it’s essential to work with our subconscious mind and address the root causes of our emotional responses. Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) is a powerful tool that can help you do just that.

IFS operates on the principle that our inner self is composed of various parts, each with its unique perspective and function. By exploring and engaging with these parts through IFS therapy, you can develop a greater understanding of the subconscious forces driving your attachment patterns.

In the context of letting go of relationships with emotionally unavailable men, IFS therapy can help you address the internal conflict between different parts of yourself. By gaining insight into the parts that hold onto the attachment and the parts that seek a healthier, more emotionally connected relationship, you can begin to reconcile these conflicts and resolve underlying emotional trauma.

Working through your emotional wounds and understanding the motivations of your inner parts can empower you to make relationship choices from a place of self-awareness and emotional maturity. With guidance, you can learn to heal and integrate these parts of yourself, leading to healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.

Next step

If you’d like help with untangling from an emotionally unavailable person and healing the parts of you that are attached to an unhealthy relationship, you can book a session with me. I’d be happy to support you and empower you to make conscious relationship decisions. Simply fill out the contact form with your purpose of therapy and I’ll get back to you to arrange an initial session.

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