The 6 Fs in IFS Therapy – The 6 Steps to Build a Relationship With Ourselves
Have you ever noticed how sometimes it feels like there’s a whole bunch of different parts inside you, each with their own thoughts and feelings?
You know that feeling when you’re making a decision or responding to a situation, and it’s like there’s a little committee inside your head, each member with its own opinion? That’s a common experience for many people. It’s as if there are different parts of ourselves that have their own thoughts, feelings, and even their own ways of acting.
These parts might be motivated by different things, like protecting you from harm or trying to help you achieve your goals. But sometimes, they can also cause conflict or confusion within yourself. For example, one part might want to take a risk, while another might want to play it safe.
It’s not uncommon for individuals struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD, or unhealthy relationships to be driven by unconscious factors that may be causing inner conflict. This is because these issues can often have deep roots in our past experiences, beliefs, and patterns of thought and behavior that are outside of our conscious awareness.
This unconscious conflict can lead to feelings of emotional distress and difficulty in navigating relationships and daily life. However, it’s possible to bring these unconscious drivers to the surface and address them through therapeutic approaches like Internal Family Systems Therapy.
What is internal family systems therapy?
Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy is an approach to psychotherapy that helps individuals explore and understand the different parts or sub-personalities within themselves. It’s based on the idea that our inner world is made up of various parts, each with its own thoughts, feelings, and motivations, and that these parts interact with each other in ways that can impact our overall well-being.
In IFS Therapy, the goal is to help individuals develop a compassionate and understanding relationship with these different parts of themselves. By doing so, individuals can work to heal past emotional wounds, resolve inner conflicts, and promote emotional well-being.
That’s the idea behind Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy. It’s a type of therapy that helps us get to know and understand these different parts of ourselves better.
The 6 F’s in IFS Therapy
To help guide us through this process, IFS Therapy uses something called the 6 F’s. These 6 F’s are like steps that you can follow to build a trusting relationship with the different parts of yourself. Let’s take a closer look at each of them:
Find
The first step is all about discovering the different parts that make up who you are. You can do this by paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and even how your body reacts in different situations.
Typical questions at this stage include:
- Find that part in your body
- Notice where you feel it in your body
Focus
Once you’ve found a part, the next step is to focus on it and learn more about it. What does it do? How does it make you feel? What does it need? By getting to know your parts better, you can start to understand why they do what they do.
Typical questions at this stage include:
- Turn your attention inside
- Let this part of you show itself
- Focus on this part of you
- Let it know you’re curious to get to know it
Flesh Out
This is where you really dive deep and get to know everything you can about a particular part. You might ask questions and have a conversation with it to learn more about its beliefs, emotions, and actions. This helps you figure out what makes it tick.
Typical questions at this stage may be:
- Can you see it? If so, how does it look?
- How close are you to it?
- What sensations do you notice?
- What emotions are associated with it?
- Is it a particular color?
- Does it represent you at a particular age?
- What are this part’s intentions or motivations?
- How does this part believe it’s helping or protecting me?
- What experiences, memories, or beliefs might have influenced this part’s development?
Feel Toward
Usually, when a part is running the show there are other parts that are frustrated, critical and judgemental about it.
For example, when someone has dealt with something like a core emotional wound of anxiety their entire life due to an insecure relationship with their mother, it stirs up a lot of feelings and emotions.
This is why we ask this question:
- How do you feel toward this part?
This is the million dollar question in IFS therapy as it shows how much of a role this part has played in someone’s life.
It provides a gauge for detecting self energy. If the other person’s response doesn’t resonate with the 8 C’s of self, it indicates that another part may be activated.
In such cases, we address this secondary part, asking if it’s open to relaxing and allowing us to engage with the primary target part. If it’s reluctant, we inquire what we should understand from its perspective. This exploration can also lead us to additional parts to work with.
Our concerned parts often require acknowledgment and validation. By actively listening and empathizing with them, we establish trust and understanding and they soften.
This creates more internal space in our hearts and more access to self energy.
Check for self energy before progressing to the next steps
It is essential to only proceed to steps 5 (Befriend) and 6 (Fear) of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy process once Self-energy has been firmly established. This energy is characterized by the 8 C’s: Curiosity, Calm, Clarity, Connectedness, Confidence, Courage, Creativity, and Compassion.
Ensuring that these qualities are present within the therapeutic environment creates a foundation of trust and understanding, allowing for a deeper exploration of your inner parts.
By approaching the process with the sole agenda of embodying the 8 C’s of Self, you can build a more genuine and compassionate relationship with your parts. This non-judgmental stance fosters an atmosphere of safety and empathy, promoting healing and integration.
Befriend
This step is all about making friends with the part you’re working with. You’ve learned about it, and you’ve developed empathy for it—now it’s time to show the part that you care and want to help.
By building trust and a sense of safety, you can work together toward healing and growth. This step of befriending the part is essential for creating a sense of safety and stability in the nervous system for when it comes to working with exiles.
Typical questions at this stage include:
- How did it get this job? How effective is the job? If it didn’t have to do this job, what would it rather do?
- How old is it?
- Let this part know that you appreciate its role in protecting you and keeping you safe
- What does this part need to feel more understood and valued?
- Let this part know that you appreciate
- What does it want you to know?
- What else does it want you to know?
Fear
In this stage, you’ll be addressing any fears or concerns that the part might have. Some parts might be afraid of change or worried about what will happen if they let go of their role. By acknowledging and working through these fears, you can help the part feel more secure and open to the possibility of positive change.
Typical questions at this stage include:
- What is this part afraid of or trying to avoid?
- What does this part fear would happen if it didn’t have this role?
- How can I acknowledge and address this part’s fears?
- What reassurance or support can I provide to alleviate these fears?
This question can expose internal conflict of parts. This is called ‘polarization’ in IFS therapy.
For example, “If I let go of my humor part, I fear it may open the door to the sad part taking over. Alternatively, it could unveil the exiled part that the anxiety is protecting. Or, “If I let go of my anxiety, I worry that little me will feel abandoned”.
The 6 F’s Helps us to work through the layers of trauma
Remember that the 6 F’s are a process, and it takes time and patience to work through each step.
It’s important to note that there are layers to trauma. For example, when someone has experienced the emotional trauma of neglect, they may carry inner child wounds of abandonment, rejection and unworthiness in their subconscious mind.
They also might have learned defense mechanisms to hide their pain to prevent them from feeling overwhelmed and flooded by their anxiety. These might be parts that judge, parts that joke around to diffuse emotional pain, parts that over-analyse.
IFS therapy is a compassion-focused therapy that helps people to unravel their layers of emotional trauma at a gentle pace and get to know these protector parts with love and compassion.
With the support of an IFS therapist, you can build stronger relationships with the different parts of yourself and foster greater well-being and personal growth.
An example of the 6 f’s in IFS Therapy
Meet Sarah, a woman experiencing anxiety. Sarah has identified a part of herself that she calls her Anxious Part. This part often holds her back from pursuing new opportunities and experiences, and she wants to understand it better.
Following the 6 F’s framework from Internal Family Systems Therapy, Sarah starts by Focusing on her Anxious Part. She pays attention to the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise when this part is active.
As she spends more time with this part, Sarah begins to Flesh Out its motivations and concerns. She learns that her Anxious Part is trying to protect her from potential pain or failure.
By acknowledging and empathizing with the Anxious Part’s positive intentions, Sarah is able to Feel Toward it with compassion and understanding. This helps her to Befriend the part, building trust and a stronger connection with it.
Recognizing that the Anxious Part is driven by a fear of failure, Sarah can begin working with exiles and focus on addressing this fear through witnessing, reparenting, retrieving and unburdening her part that fears failure. This can help her fearful part become more integrated and with this stronger sense of self she can reassure this part that it’s safe to take risks sometimes.
Through the 6 F’s framework, Sarah has developed a better understanding of her Anxious Part, fostering self-awareness and inner harmony. By engaging with each step of the process, she has begun to create a more balanced and integrated relationship with this part of herself.
I can help you heal with internal family systems therapy
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a compassionate, nurturing approach that acknowledges and validates the various parts of your internal system. Through this transformative process, you can cultivate a profound sense of harmony and balance within yourself.
IFS therapy begins with the belief that each individual possesses a wise, compassionate Self, capable of understanding and addressing the needs of all internal parts. By working together, we will explore these parts, recognizing their unique roles, emotions, and motivations.
This empathetic exploration allows you to validate the experiences of your inner parts, particularly those that have been hurt or feel misunderstood. By fostering a supportive environment, these parts can feel safe enough to share their stories and express their needs.
As you develop a deeper understanding of your internal system, you can begin to address the conflicts and pain that may have arisen from childhood trauma or other difficult experiences. This healing journey encourages self-compassion and nurtures the connections between your various parts, promoting inner harmony and emotional well-being.
Through our work together, you will learn to listen to your inner parts, acknowledge their experiences, and address their needs with compassion and understanding.
My approach is gentle and compassionate. If you’re interested you can book a consult here.