8 Signs of Relationship Anxiety and How to Heal
Have you ever felt the overwhelming feeling of relationship anxiety and uncertainty in a relationship?
You feel the weight of anxiety pressing on your heart, overthinking every text, every glance, and every silence. Perhaps you’re struggling with uncertainty, worrying about how the other person feels about you and you can’t seem to stop overthinking. You might be going around in circles in your head asking: “Are they emotionally available? Are they committed? Are they going to become more consistent? How do they feel about me? What are they thinking and feeling? What’s going to happen?
Relationship anxiety can feel like an emotional rollercoaster.
You’re filled with self-doubt, fear, and insecurity. You might struggle to trust the relationship’s stability or find it hard to believe that someone truly cares for you.
I know fully well how painful and agonising this can be and how it can feel like torture.
Dismissive and ignorant people who don’t know what this experience is like can dismiss our emotional reaction and tell us that we’re being dramatic.
Emotionally unavailable partners or emotionally immature parents can make this situation worse by dismissing our experience, telling us that we need to “calm down” or “let it go”. But calm down for who? Let it go for who?
Regardless of what other people think and what their defenses may be, relationship anxiety can be incredibly distressing.
Relationship anxiety is the manifestation of attachment trauma
Those who have experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and emotional deprivation growing up, will understand that when you grow up without the privilege of secure attachment and you don’t have an adult to go to to comfort you and calm you down, can mean that you spend the majority of your upbringing dealing with your feelings and emotions alone.
This is why later in your adult life, emotional triggers of uncertainty, lack of responsiveness, invalidation or emotional distance can take us all the way back to the little girl that once felt abandoned.
The importance of attachment for feeling secure
Usually, when a child is distressed, an attentive adult will pick them up, soothe them, and offer the comfort they need to feel safe. This consistent response allows the child to learn that the world is a secure place, that their needs matter, and that they can trust others to be there for them. Over time, this nurtures a balanced, regulated nervous system and helps the child develop a “secure base”—a sense of stability from a caregiver they can rely on, even when things feel uncertain.
However, for some, this vital experience is missing. If caregivers are unavailable, dismissive, or inconsistent in their responses, the child doesn’t receive the comfort they need.
The baby’s nervous system remains in a state of distress, never fully learning to feel safe or to self-soothe. Instead of developing security, they grow up with an overactive sense of vigilance, always scanning for potential threats or signs of rejection. Without a secure base, they may feel a persistent sense of anxiety, especially in relationships where they seek the stability they missed in childhood.
This lack of a secure base can make it difficult to trust, feel secure, or truly relax in relationships. When triggered, their nervous system may enter a state of fight, flight, or freeze, even when there’s no real danger. Instead of comfort, relationships can bring intense relationship anxiety that can lead to overthinking about what’s going to happen and trying to analyze how someone else thinks and feels about them.
It can also lead to intense separation anxiety when a partner leaves. Separation can be highly triggering for someone with an anxious attachment style and it can lead to feelings of helplessness, powerlessness and hopelessness.
The emotional pain can be so strong it almost feels like it’s never going to end, because that’s how they felt as a child. Instead of having a supportive and predictable parent to lean on, it’s likely they have abandonment trauma, where they have repetitive experience of a parent leaving them or growing up with parents who were dismissive and emotionally disconnected. They might have also experienced emotional abuse from a parent who used abandonment punishment in an attempt to get them to stop crying or being distressed, such as locking them in their bedroom for hours, or making them sit on a step alone and hitting them.
What is hysterical is historical
When we find ourselves in relationships, feeling intense waves of relationship anxiety or having emotional reactions that feel disproportionate to what’s happening, it’s often because those heightened feelings are rooted in the past.
As adults in relationships, we might become overly sensitive to potential rejection, taking even minor actions—like a delayed text response or a lack of empathy in a partner’s response—as signs that the other person is rejecting us. Our nervous system, still wired from early abandonment, may go into a heightened state of anxiety, flooding us with fear and insecurity. This can lead us to overreact, over-please, or withdraw, all in an attempt to protect ourselves from feeling abandoned again.
By recognising the connection between our present feelings and past experiences, we can start to unravel the patterns and work toward building healthier, more secure relationships.
So with that let’s explore the signs of relationship anxiety.
1. Constant Need for Reassurance
Relationship anxiety often creates a need for constant reassurance from a partner. This might look like frequently asking if they still love you, if they’re truly committed, or if they’re happy in the relationship. While occasional reassurance is normal, relationship anxiety can make this need feel insatiable, leaving you dependent on your partner’s validation to feel secure. You may find yourself returning to the same questions, hoping for comfort, yet rarely feeling fully reassured.
The challenge here is that relationship anxiety fuels a cycle of seeking affirmation and still feeling unsettled, which can strain the relationship. Over time, partners may feel the pressure of having to constantly reassure you, which can lead to misunderstandings or even frustration. Breaking this cycle requires a balance—learning to offer yourself reassurance and trust, which helps lessen the hold that relationship anxiety has on your emotions.
2. Overanalyzing Communication
When relationship anxiety is present, even a small pause in communication can trigger a spiral of worry. You may catch yourself dissecting every text message, rereading conversations, and reading into the timing or tone of responses, searching for hidden meanings. This tendency to overanalyze, driven by relationship anxiety, can lead to unnecessary stress and emotional exhaustion, as your mind races to interpret every detail in your partner’s words and actions.
The constant need to analyze can become a habit that’s hard to break, especially if you feel anxious about your partner’s commitment. Relationship anxiety makes it difficult to relax and trust in the natural flow of communication, leaving you vulnerable to insecurity with each perceived “sign.” Learning to reframe these moments, focusing on trusting the overall relationship rather than individual texts or pauses, can help reduce anxiety and build confidence in your partner’s feelings.
3. Fear of Abandonment
One of the most profound signs of relationship anxiety is a deep-seated fear of abandonment. This fear often stems from past experiences where trust was broken, or from insecure attachments formed in childhood. Relationship anxiety can make you feel as though you’re always at risk of being left, even when there’s no actual evidence to suggest your partner intends to leave. This fear creates an undercurrent of unease, leaving you feeling on edge and hypervigilant to any signs of disinterest.
This fear can create a constant state of emotional tension, leading you to second-guess your partner’s actions and assume the worst. Relationship anxiety’s effect on abandonment fears often results in behaviors like clinging, excessive worry, or seeking reassurance. Recognizing and addressing this fear allows you to build resilience, helping you feel more grounded and trusting in your relationships.
4. Difficulty Trusting
Relationship anxiety can make it challenging to fully trust a partner, even if they’ve never given you a reason to doubt them. You might feel an underlying suspicion, fearing betrayal or rejection, despite a lack of evidence. This lack of trust, fueled by relationship anxiety, can lead to actions like checking their phone, scrutinizing their social media, or feeling unsettled when they’re around others.
This erosion of trust doesn’t just impact you—it can also harm the relationship. Relationship anxiety can become a wedge, making your partner feel that their integrity is being questioned. Building trust starts with acknowledging these anxious tendencies and finding ways to create a sense of security within yourself, which helps reduce the hold of anxiety and fosters a more trusting connection.
5. Self-Sabotage and Testing
Relationship anxiety sometimes manifests as self-sabotaging behaviors, where you might test your partner’s commitment by pushing them away, picking fights, or creating emotional distance. The anxiety makes you want proof of your partner’s devotion, and testing their responses can seem like a way to find it. However, these self-sabotaging behaviors, driven by relationship anxiety, often have the opposite effect, creating unnecessary conflict and emotional distance.
The root of these behaviors lies in a fear of vulnerability and rejection. Relationship anxiety may make you feel as though you need to “protect” yourself by putting up barriers, even when you crave closeness. Recognizing these patterns helps you shift focus from testing to trusting, allowing you to foster healthier, more balanced interactions with your partner.
6. Avoidance of Vulnerability
Relationship anxiety can create a strong urge to avoid vulnerability, even when a part of you wants closeness and intimacy. Fearful of being hurt or rejected, you might hold back on sharing your true thoughts or emotions, keeping your guard up to protect yourself. This avoidance, fueled by relationship anxiety, prevents you from connecting fully and may lead your partner to feel shut out or disconnected.
The need to stay guarded often stems from past experiences where vulnerability was met with disappointment or criticism. Relationship anxiety tricks you into believing that sharing your feelings will lead to rejection or betrayal. Learning to gradually open up, at a pace you’re comfortable with, can help you build emotional resilience and create a stronger, more trusting bond with your partner.
7. Attachment to Outcomes
A strong attachment to outcomes is a common sign of relationship anxiety, where you may fixate on questions like, “Will this work out?” or “Is this person ‘the one’?” Relationship anxiety makes it difficult to enjoy the present moment, drawing your focus to future outcomes rather than allowing the relationship to develop naturally. This preoccupation with the future can prevent you from fully experiencing and appreciating the connection as it unfolds.
This outcome-based mindset, influenced by relationship anxiety, can lead to pressure and unrealistic expectations. When you’re constantly focused on what’s next, it’s challenging to relax and appreciate what’s here now. Shifting your mindset to embrace the present, and trusting that the future will unfold in time, can bring a sense of peace and fulfillment that helps alleviate relationship anxiety.
8. Physical Symptoms of Anxiety
Relationship anxiety doesn’t just impact your thoughts and emotions—it can also show up in your body. You might notice physical symptoms such as trouble sleeping, muscle tension, digestive issues, or even panic attacks, especially when relationship insecurities arise. These physical manifestations are often a result of chronic stress caused by relationship anxiety, as your nervous system remains on high alert.
Physical symptoms are your body’s way of signaling that something deeper needs attention. Addressing these physical symptoms alongside emotional work can help alleviate the toll that relationship anxiety takes on your overall well-being. Practicing grounding techniques, engaging in self-care, and finding supportive ways to calm your nervous system can help lessen the physical and emotional impact of relationship anxiety, allowing you to approach relationships from a place of greater peace and stability.
9. Difficulty Setting and Respecting Boundaries
Relationship anxiety can make it challenging to set and maintain personal boundaries, often due to a fear of rejection or conflict. You might worry that asserting your needs will push your partner away or cause tension, so instead, you overextend yourself or go along with things that make you uncomfortable to keep the peace. This lack of boundaries, influenced by relationship anxiety, can leave you feeling drained and resentful, as your needs often end up taking a back seat to the relationship.
Without clear boundaries, relationship anxiety can lead you to prioritize your partner’s happiness over your own, which can prevent you from expressing your true self. Over time, this erodes trust and self-respect, which are crucial for a healthy relationship. Learning to set boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable, helps to build mutual respect and strengthens the foundation of the relationship.
10. Perfectionism and Fear of Making Mistakes
Relationship anxiety can also show up as perfectionism, where you feel an intense need to be “perfect” to avoid any mistakes that might put the relationship at risk. You might feel pressured to say the right things, avoid conflict, or go above and beyond to meet your partner’s expectations. Relationship anxiety drives this perfectionism out of fear that any misstep could lead to rejection or criticism, making it difficult to relax and be yourself in the relationship.
This perfectionism fueled by relationship anxiety often creates an exhausting cycle of self-monitoring and overcompensating, leaving you feeling as though you’re walking on eggshells. Overcoming this requires embracing self-acceptance and understanding that true connection doesn’t rely on perfection but on authenticity. Allowing yourself to be imperfect and genuine helps to alleviate the pressure relationship anxiety creates and encourages a more open, trusting connection.
Healing relationship anxiety takes time, self-compassion, and the willingness to address deep-rooted fears. Here are some strategies to help:
- Cultivate Self-Awareness and Identify Triggers
Start by noticing the specific situations that trigger your relationship anxiety. Is it when your partner doesn’t respond right away, or when they spend time apart from you? Understanding your triggers allows you to anticipate and work through these feelings, rather than being caught off guard. Journaling or talking with a therapist can be especially helpful in exploring the underlying causes of your anxiety and recognizing patterns in your thoughts and reactions.
- Develop Self-Soothing Techniques
Learning to calm yourself in moments of heightened anxiety is crucial. Practice grounding techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or guided imagery to help bring you back to the present. Engaging in calming activities such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature can also help regulate your nervous system, reducing the physical symptoms of relationship anxiety and allowing you to approach situations with a clearer mind.
- Challenge Negative Thoughts
Relationship anxiety often involves distorted thoughts, such as assuming the worst or doubting your worth in the relationship. When anxious thoughts arise, challenge them by asking yourself, “Is this thought based on facts, or is it a fear?” Reframing these thoughts and focusing on positive aspects of the relationship can help shift your perspective and reduce anxiety over time. Practicing self-compassion and reminding yourself of your value helps reinforce a more balanced outlook.
- Build a Secure Sense of Self
Relationship anxiety often stems from self-doubt and a lack of confidence. Spend time nurturing your sense of self-worth and building a life that fulfills you independently of your partner. Engaging in hobbies, pursuing personal goals, and spending time with supportive friends and family can create a strong foundation, giving you confidence and security from within. As you develop this independence, you’ll feel less reliant on the relationship to provide a sense of stability, which can significantly reduce relationship anxiety.
- Heal the abandonment wound
A crucial step in healing relationship anxiety is identifying any abandonment fears that may fuel it. Relationship anxiety is often rooted in past experiences of emotional neglect or inconsistent support, leading to a heightened fear of being left or rejected. Acknowledging these abandonment fears and exploring their origins—whether in past relationships or formative years—can help lessen their grip. Working through these fears with a therapist, journaling, or using supportive outlets allows you to gradually release old patterns, making it easier to trust in your current relationship without the weight of past abandonment shaping your experience.
- Create emotional safety with boundaries
Establishing emotional safety through boundaries can greatly reduce relationship anxiety. This involves identifying and respecting your own emotional needs, giving yourself permission to set boundaries that protect your peace. By setting limits around things like how often you check for messages or allowing yourself space to self-soothe before seeking reassurance, you create a sense of inner security. For example, if consistency is important to you, you might ask your partner for daily check-ins to meet your emotional need for consistency. Having this personal foundation allows you to approach the relationship with less fear and anxiety.
- Practice Open Communication
Building secure attachment habits, like open communication and balanced vulnerability, helps reduce relationship anxiety. Rather than bottling up concerns, express your feelings calmly and clearly to your partner. Practicing trust-building behaviors, like giving them the benefit of the doubt and focusing on positive interactions, can strengthen the relationship and lessen anxious thoughts. Over time, these secure habits help you feel safer in your connection, creating a foundation for lasting peace and confidence in your relationship.
Final thoughts on relationship anxiety
Relationship anxiety can feel overwhelming and all-consuming, affecting not only your emotional well-being but also your connection with your partner.
It’s important to remember, though, that relationship anxiety doesn’t define you or your ability to experience secure, loving relationships. While it may stem from past experiences or fears, relationship anxiety can be managed and gradually healed with the right approaches.
It’s important to explore your relationship anxiety with the utmost self-compassion. Remember, it’s not your fault that you experience relationship anxiety and with the right compassionate guidance, you CAN drastically reduce your relationship anxiety.
I know first hand, how difficult and impossible it may feel to overcome this anxiety, and through deep healing, I’ve been able to drastically reduce my anxiety.
Healing isn’t linear
Healing isn’t linear and there may be moments when our abandoned inner child gets triggered again. But that doesn’t mean we’re not healing and we’re broken. Instead, it’s a natural part of the healing process, where we’re being invited to explore our emotional world with deeper self-awareness and self compassion.
Perhaps it’s a message to remind us of our boundaries, perhaps it’s a reminder to not suppress our feelings and needs and be brave about what we need in a relationship to feel secure.
It’s ok. You’re ok.
The journey to overcoming relationship anxiety is about building a foundation of self-compassion, self-awareness, and trust. By addressing the root causes and learning to soothe anxious thoughts, you create a sense of inner stability that can transform your relationships. As you work to develop a stronger sense of self-worth and build secure attachment skills, you’ll find it easier to connect in healthy ways that aren’t dominated by fear, and if your relationship anxiety does reappear, you’ll have plenty of tools in your toolkit to manage the feeling and prevent you from feeling overwhelmed by relationship anxiety when you’re not setting boundaries.
Each step toward healing deepens your understanding of yourself and what you truly need from a relationship, creating space for more authentic, fulfilling connections. Remember, overcoming relationship anxiety is a process—be patient with yourself and celebrate every step forward.
Therapy
If you’d like to explore personal therapy for processing attachment fears and move towards secure attachment I recommend internal family systems therapy. This approach helps you release energies, integrate your inner child and strengthen the sense of your secure adult self. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.