Anxious Attachment Style Dating And Creating Safe And Supportive Relationships
Dating can be a rollercoaster of emotions for people with an anxious attachment style. The yearning for a strong emotional connection, coupled with a fear of abandonment, often amplifies insecurities when navigating romantic relationships. That’s why in this blog post I’m going to share my two cents on anxious attachment style dating.
I distinctly remember the overwhelming anxiety I experienced when John’s intentions were unclear and his inconsistent behavior left me questioning our connection.
I can still remember the surge of anxiety that washed over me when I felt unsure of John’s intentions with me and feeling frustrated that he wasn’t more consistent with me.
When we first started dating, I was excited and eager to spend time with him and deepen our connection. But then he canceled our third meeting and said that he had a lot of work to do before his holiday and it triggered my feelings of anxiety.
I had a gut feeling that this wasn’t it and I pulled away out of self-preservation and said to myself, “F*** this, I’m not doing this. I’m not putting myself through this anxiety”.
A week later he reached out to me, and I foolishly allowed myself to get pulled back in. We met up another time and I started saying to myself that maybe the timing wasn’t right and it was better to stay as friends and when the timing is better maybe we could be together.
I had to go back to my home country and as we kept in touch I started to develop feelings for him. I liked the slow pace of things, I liked our shared sense of humor and I liked that he was intuitive.
But when I realised I had another few more weeks to wait for a visa, this sense of uncertainty coupled with the uncertainty and anxiety in the relationship intensified.
I was talking to a friend about his lack of consistency and when I got an outside perspective that “this doesn’t look good”, “your messages have more intensity than his”, I then started to feel the lump in my throat, and it started to hit me again that this guy didn’t feel the same way about me.
At that moment, I took a step back and observed my situation from a bird’s eye view. How would I feel it I were sat in front of a friend that radiated anxiety when talking about a guy she was dating? Often, I would intuitively see that this wasn’t the right person for him and I would suggest that she ends things.
So with anxiety and uncertainty taking center stage, I realised this relationship was causing me more harm than good. I realised it was time to take charge of the situation and make the decision to end things. At this point my “chill girl” persona had officially left the building and I said to him “if you can’t be consistent and don’t have a plan for us, then I don’t want to talk anymore”.
Shortly after, the feelings of abandonment from childhood began to resurface. I felt like that young girl again, feeling abandoned by another disappointment. My inner critic started questioning whether this cycle was ever going to end and if I would ever have a healthy, loving relationship.
However, amidst the sea of doubts, I found an inner strength that reminded me that things would be ok and my higher self told me “you need to let this go”, “letting this go will free you of this anxiety” and 2 weeks from now you’ll not be ruminating over this anymore”.
Anxious attachment style dating is hardddd. Choosing to let go of a relationship that triggered my anxious attachment was a courageous step and I’m glad I didn’t let our connection develop beyond 3 meetings.
As I took the leap and ended things with John, a wave of relief washed over me. It was a bittersweet moment, but I felt empowered by my ability to make a difficult decision and prioritize my well-being.
This experience taught me the importance of recognising my emotional needs and boundaries when it came to anxious attachment style dating, and the power of listening to my body’s wisdom.
Then came the wave of abandonment
Shortly after I decided to let things go, I knew I had to be courageous and face my feelings. I knew that I had to sit with the dreaded feelings of abandonment that I had been avoiding by feeling anxious, overthinking and seeking reassurance.
I began sinking to the bathroom floor, my body trembling with uncontrollable sobs and in that moment of vulnerability, I felt utterly alone and hopeless, uncertain if the pain would ever subside. As someone with an anxious attachment style in dating, I knew I needed to reconnect with myself and the part of me that felt abandoned.
Closing my eyes, I envisioned a spiritual guide offering reassurance and support. I then imagined a golden thread connecting my heart to my inner child, sending healing energy filled with love and compassion. Slowly but surely, my heart relaxed, and my anxiety began to dissipate as I embraced my feelings. The initial sense of despair gradually gave way to a growing sense of relief, and I could feel the emotional storm within me starting to ease.
It’s easy to be hard on ourselves when we find ourselves caught in the aftermath of an unhealthy relationship with anxious attachment style dating, but it’s crucial to view these experiences as opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
As I reflect on this experience, I could look at it two ways.
- I could look at it through a pessimistic lens that I abandoned my needs and boundaries and allowed myself to get caught in an anxious attachment cycle
- Or I could look at it from a progressive lens, that I practiced self-preservation and self-advocacy by ending things before the relationship escalate and I got more hurt
I think I’ll go with the second option.
The universe often presents us with lessons we need to learn and even though I let myself get pulled into an unhealthy relationship dynamic, I had listened to my gut and body intuition by ending things before things escalated.
Healing is not a linear journey and it’s perfectly normal to find yourself in relationships that don’t serve you. These experiences don’t define your worth or your capacity for love; they are stepping stones on the path to self-advocacy, boundary-setting, and strengthening your sense of self.
I trust that this experience has strengthened my sense of discernment, assertiveness and personal boundaries when it comes to anxious attachment style dating. It’s another experience that has helped me take the things I like in potential partners, such as intuition and a shared sense of humor and my deal breakers, such as lack of consistency, lack of clarity of intentions and a history of relationship betrayal.
As an anxious attacher, I’ve come to understand the ways we might neglect our own needs while pursuing love. Here are some personal experiences I’ve had and insights I’ve gained with anxious attachment style dating, which can help you be more mindful in your relationships.
Tolerating emotionally unavailable partners
I’ve been in relationships where my partners struggled to communicate their feelings or avoided emotional intimacy. By choosing these partners, I was inadvertently dismissing my own emotional needs, which led to frustration and disappointment. Recognizing that you deserve someone willing to build a strong emotional connection is crucial for a healthy relationship.
Tolerating inconsistency
As someone who’s experienced anxious attachment style dating, I’ve learned that we sometimes tolerate inconsistent behavior from partners, even when it goes against our own needs and desires.
As anxious attachers, we may tolerate this inconsistency, hoping that our partners will eventually show more commitment. However, it’s essential to recognize that tolerating mixed signals can be a form of self abandonment, as it disregards our need for clarity and stability.
Settling for breadcrumbs of affection
A fulfilling relationship requires mutual investment and effort. In the past, I’ve found myself chasing after the smallest scraps of affection or attention. This meant I was overlooking my own needs for consistent love and commitment, causing anxiety and insecurity. You deserve a relationship where you receive ample love, attention, and commitment without feeling anxious or insecure.
Ignoring your own needs
In any healthy relationship, openly communicating your needs and desires is key. By suppressing our own needs, we signal to ourselves and our partners that we don’t value our happiness and well-being. I’ve learned the hard way that advocating for ourselves is vital in breaking the cycle of self abandonment. Remember, you deserve a relationship where your needs are heard and valued.
Dismissing your intuition
Sometimes, our gut instinct picks up on subtle cues that our conscious mind may miss. Ignoring these instincts can lead to overlooking important red flags or compatibility issues. Trusting our intuition is essential for self-advocacy and emotional self-care. It’s important to trust your instincts and make decisions that honor your emotional well-being and long-term happiness.
Overlooking red flags
Red flags can manifest as inconsistent behavior, canceling dates, recent break ups and within the bigger picture of red flags, a history of betrayal. Ignoring these signs means prioritizing the relationship over our well-being. I’ve overlooked red flags in the past, but often when we ignore red flags these become the reasons why we end the relationship later. By addressing them early on and deciding not to escalate intimacy, empowers us to make better decisions and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Enduring ambiguous intentions
As someone who has experienced anxious attachment style dating, I’ve learned that a lack of clarity and transparency regarding dating intentions can be particularly challenging. Here’s how this issue may arise and how being more mindful can help us protect our emotional well-being:
When a partner is unclear about their intentions in the relationship, it can lead to confusion and uncertainty. As anxious attachers, we may tolerate this ambiguity, hoping that our partners will eventually clarify their goals and desires. However, allowing this lack of clarity to persist can be a form of self abandonment, as it ignores our need for open communication and transparency.
To address this issue, initiate a conversation with your partner about their intentions and expectations for the relationship. By advocating for clarity, you’re prioritizing your emotional well-being and creating a foundation of trust and understanding between you and your partner.
Remember, you deserve a relationship that nurtures your emotional well-being, honors your needs, and fosters genuine connection. By being mindful of these self abandonment tendencies, we can break the cycle and cultivate the love we truly deserve.
Don’t allow anxious attachment style dating to defeat you
If you’re currently feeling defeated and disappointed with anxious attachment style dating, I get it. But don’t let it bring you down. You’re not a failure. You’re not broken. You’re getting closer. Keep focusing on the person you’re becoming and focus your energy and attention there.
Over time, all this energy and devotion you bring towards become your best self and becoming more secure, will pay off and will bring you to the person who is the right match for you. Someone who doesn’t make you question their intentions. Someone who is consistent. Someone who makes you feel calm and at ease.
Until then, put your energy into healing your anxious attachment style and becoming secure. This helps you to grow in self worth and let go of the people who aren’t right for you sooner. It helps you to sharpen your discernment, harness your inner strength and deepen your inner stability, so you don’t feel drawn to partners who fail to meet your emotional needs.
In our course Heal Insecure Attachment, I help you how to drastically reduce anxiety, grow in self worth so you can become secure and create healthier relationships.
Many courses on healing anxious attachment focus on conscious techniques, such as journaling and affirmations. But this approach is insufficient in healing an anxious attachment style.
The manifestations of attachment trauma are primarily subconscious, which means that healing anxious attachment requires healing the subconscious.
Our course on Heal Insecure Attachment helps you to befriend your anxiety and heal the inner child so you can somatically release the stored emotional energy of anxiety from your nervous system and find inner security.
Our approach to healing insecure attachment follows three phrases:
- Befriend the nervous system
- Heal attachment wounds
- Cultivate secure qualities
It’s packed with over 6 hours of enlightening video content, along with healing meditations and subconscious imprinting meditations where you will learn to integrate secure states of being psychologically, spiritually and emotionally.
You can enroll in the course here.
Read More
Anxious Attachment Style: Signs, Causes, Impact + Steps to Heal
Anxious Attachment Symptoms and How to Address Them
Anxious Attachment Style Dating And Creating Safe And Supportive Relationships
Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Style: 7 signs, Causes + Steps to Heal
How to Overcome Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
Anxious Attachment and Sex and Taking Intimacy Slowly To Take Your Time Getting To Know Somebody
