Leaving a narcissist
Leaving a narcissist and ending a relationship with a narcissist can be a challenging and sometimes frightening. Narcissism abuse, is a hallmark of domestic abuse, so it’s important to be mindful that leaving a narcissist can threaten your personal safety. Though it can be challenging, especially when having to face the uncertainty of what will happen once you leave, there are ways to leave the situation safely.
Why leaving a narcissist is hard
It’s important to recognise that leaving a narcissist is hard, because survivors of narcissistic abuse are often trapped in a web of control. They may have experienced a pattern of controlling behaviours that have made them feel trapped in the relationship.
This can include relentless attempts in pushing their boundaries, sabotaging their sleep, shaming them for not conforming to them, gaslighting them and using guilt and manipulation to control them, wear down their self-confidence and make them dependent on the relationship.
Oftentimes, narcissism abuse isn’t black or white, rather it can be understood as a cycle of abuse. Sometimes, you feel supported and other times you feel controlled, trapped and devalued.
You hold the good times in high regard and may think to yourself that they’re caring and supportive and carry a belief that you won’t find that elsewhere.
You may feel isolated and have been emotionally manipulated into a relationship that you’ve realised after a period of time, doesn’t feel right. Instead, you feel trapped, controlled and guilty for leaving the house.
Not having people around you to shed light on the reality of the situation, such as “he’s possessive”, “he’s controlling”, or “he’s using guilt to manipulate you”, or “he’s coercing you” can mean you are more susceptible to doubting yourself and your experiences.
You might also not have the financial resources to leave the relationship, so in an attempt to manage the situation, you might deny the abuse or justify the abuse to manage the internal tension of cognitive dissonance.
Why self-compassion is key
There are complex psychological reasons why we can become trapped in narcissistic relationships.
One of the ways we can detangle ourselves from these relationships is having self-compassion.
Self-compassion helps us to validate our emotions and feelings, such as self-doubt, guilt and confusion, so that we can mindfully separate from them.
Once we can validate the different feelings we have that make it hard to leave the relationship, we give ourselves the internal space to and anchor to give us the strength to leave the relationship.
For example, instead of criticising ourselves and saying “I’m such an idiot for not leaving this relationship sooner”, we can mindfully separate from our inner critic and say “It often takes 7 times to leave an abusive relationship, because we become trapped in the relationship through a web of control”. We can also say to ourselves “I wasn’t even allowed personal space in the relationship, no wonder why it was hard to leave, “even going into the next room to get personal space was met with a backlash”. Or, “when I tried to leave the relationship and take a few days to process things, he would lovebomb me and manipulate me again by taking me out to dinner, giving a fake apology that it wouldn’t happen again”.
It’s important to remind ourselves that we’re always doing the best we can with the knowledge and resources we have at the time and we shouldn’t blame ourselves for not leaving sooner.
Instead, we need to give ourselves the utmost compassion. Through compassion, we can heal the parts of ourselves that feel confused, hurt and shame and we can empower ourselves to move forward.
Leaving a narcissist
Navigating your way out of a challenging situation may require careful planning, but rest assured, there are strategies and resources available to help you exit safely and effectively.
Develop a safety plan
When leaving a narcissist who was abusive it’s important to develop a safety plan for after you left. It’s important to note that narcissism abuse falls under domestic abuse and leaving a narcissist that has been abusive with you, it is the most vulnerable time.
Here are some steps to consider when developing a safety plan:
- Establish a support network: Surround yourself with trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can provide emotional support, guidance, and assistance during this challenging time.
- Secure your living arrangements: Ensure you have a safe place to stay, whether it’s with a friend, family member, or at a shelter. If you remain in your current residence, consider changing the locks and installing a security system.
- Create a communication plan: Limit or cease all non-essential communication with the narcissist. Block their phone number, email address, and social media accounts to minimise their opportunities for manipulation or harassment.
- Protect your personal information: Update your passwords and pins for all accounts and devices, and consider getting a new phone number. Be mindful if they gave you a company phone or company laptop they use to track you. Get a new phone if needed and log out your gmail account from all devices.
- Keep records: Document any incidents or communication with the narcissist, including screenshots, voicemails, or written records. This information can be helpful if legal action is required.
- Don’t break up in person: Often if someone breaks up with a narcissist in person they will experience narcissistic rage and domestic abuse. Instead, quietly leave and take your important belongings and then break up with them over text. Keep it concise and brief and block them immediately.
- Gathering important documents like your passport, driving license, birth certificate, marriage license, and any financial records.
Set boundaries
After you leave it’s very important to set boundaries with the narcissist. Go no-contact as soon as possible as they may amp up the emotional abuse, harassment, fear and intimidation tactics.
Deactivate social media accounts him or flying monkeys may use to abuse, harm or harass you that can make you doubt yourself and vulnerable to go back to the abuser.
Find safety and stability
During the aftermath of leaving a narcissist and narcissism abuse, your mental health may decline. Oftentimes, it’s not until we leave an abusive relationship we realise how much it impacts our mental health, and it can lead to depression, anxiety, dissociation and PTSD.
The initial step after leaving is finding a safe and stable home. Having a safe home to go to with your own personal space, is the first foundation you need and it will give you the calm space you need to heal and take care of your physical and mental health.
Once you have your base, then you can focus on the other hierarchy of needs, such as taking care of your physical and mental health through yoga, meditation, going to the gym, and making new friends.
Focus on your north star
In the aftermath of leaving a narcissist, it can feel isolating and lonely. Most likely, you didn’t have a support system during the relationship and you didn’t have friends near you to validate your experiences and support you.
It can feel like you’re facing the world alone, but with time it will get better. Once you can get through this initial phase of leaving, you’ve done the hardest step.
Although it will take time to find emotional balance again, focus on your north star. Visualise your future self a couple years from now, where you’ll be, who you’ll be with, what you’re wearing and how you feel in your body.
You can do a future self meditation and use this as an anchor to keep focusing forward and taking one small step every day to help you get closer to your north star.
Build yourself up
When you feel ready, you can start building yourself up again. Although trauma from narcissism abuse can leave us with emotional scars, they can also give us emotional gifts.
Our experience helps us become more discerning of the red flags of abusive dynamics, things like arrogance, lack of empathy, people who gossip to discredit and minimise others, people who don’t respect our boundaries, people who love bomb us or use guilt to manipulate us, people who disparage their ex partner and call women crazy, or shame us for not complying to them. These are things that we won’t look past again and we can limit our interactions with unhealthy and untrustworthy people.
We become more discerning about who to trust, who to confide in and the importance of people earning our trust before escalating intimacy with a person.
Now you have opportune time to start building yourself back up and learning to put your physical and emotional needs first. Some ideas of this might be:
- Leaving spaces where you feel uncomfortable
- Limiting interactions with arrogant people to protect your emotional well-being
- Weight training to build internal and external strength
- Practicing setting boundaries with people
- Practicing yoga to relax your muscles
- Starting new hobbies to build connection, belonging and self-esteem
Leaving a narcissist conclusion
In conclusion, leaving a narcissistic partner is a challenging yet essential step toward reclaiming your life and rebuilding your self-esteem. While the process can be emotionally taxing and fraught with uncertainty, developing a well-thought-out safety plan, building a supportive network, and seeking professional guidance can help ensure your successful transition to a healthier, happier future. By staying committed to your decision, embracing self-care, and fostering resilience, you can break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse and embrace a life filled with hope, empowerment, and personal growth.
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