Anxious Attachment Complete Guide: Causes, Signs, Impact & How to Heal
Have you ever found yourself constantly seeking reassurance in your relationships, fearing abandonment, or struggling with low self-esteem? You may be experiencing anxious attachment, or anxious ambivalent attachment, a common attachment style that affects many people in their personal lives. Let’s dive deeper into what anxious attachment is and how it impacts our emotional well-being.
Attachment theory
Attachment theory, first proposed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, has become a foundational concept in understanding human relationships and emotional development. This theory posits that the bonds we form with our primary caregivers in early childhood have a profound impact on our emotional well-being and the way we relate to others throughout our lives.
At its core, attachment theory suggests that humans have an innate need for emotional connection and security. Our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment style, which influences how we perceive and interact with others in our adult relationships.
There are three primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to be comfortable with emotional intimacy and trusting of their partners, while those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle with emotional regulation, trust, and intimacy in their relationships.
Understanding attachment theory can provide valuable insights into our own emotional experiences and relationship patterns. By recognizing and understanding our attachment style, we can work to develop healthier, more fulfilling relationships and cultivate greater emotional well-being.
Unpacking anxious attachment
Anxious attachment is one of the three attachment styles characterized by a fear of rejection, fear of abandonment and a strong desire for intimacy and closeness.
People with this attachment style often worry about their partner’s commitment and may feel the need to constantly seek validation and reassurance. This can lead to clingy or needy behaviors, which can put a strain on relationships.
The origins of anxious attachment can often be traced back to childhood experiences and early relationships with caregivers. Children who did not receive consistent emotional support or experienced neglect or trauma may develop an anxious attachment style as adults. This can lead to a persistent fear of abandonment and a lack of trust in others.
What causes anxious attachment in childhood?
The roots of anxious attachment can often be traced back to our earliest experiences with caregivers. Several factors contribute to the development of this attachment style, including inconsistent or unreliable caregiving, emotional unavailability, trauma or loss, and parental anxiety.
Inconsistent caregiving
Inconsistent caregiving can create confusion and uncertainty in a child’s world. When a caregiver is sometimes responsive and sometimes neglectful, the child learns that they cannot depend on their caregiver for consistent emotional support. This pattern can lead to anxiety around relationships and emotional intimacy in adulthood.
Emotional unavailability
Caregivers who are emotionally unavailable or dismissive of their child’s emotional needs can also contribute to the development of anxious attachment. Children who grow up in these environments may struggle with self-doubt and insecurity, leading to a persistent need for validation and reassurance in their adult relationships.
Trauma
Trauma or loss can also play a significant role in the development of anxious attachment. Experiences such as abuse, neglect, or the death of a parent or caregiver can create deep-seated fears around abandonment and rejection, leading to patterns of clinginess or neediness in adult relationships.
Parent’s anxiety
Finally, children of anxious parents may internalize their parent’s anxiety, leading to a pattern of anxious attachment in their own relationships. However, it’s important to remember that while these early experiences can shape our attachment style, they do not determine our destiny. With conscious effort and support, individuals can work to heal their attachment style and develop healthier patterns of relating to others.
Symptoms of an anxious attachment style as an adult
If you’ve ever found yourself caught in a cycle of intense anxiety and worry in your relationships, you may be experiencing symptoms of anxious attachment.
This attachment style, characterized by a deep fear of abandonment and a tendency to prioritize others’ needs over your own, can be overwhelming and debilitating. However, by understanding the common symptoms of anxious attachment and seeking the right support, healing and growth are possible.
Constant fear of abandonment
If you’re someone who struggles with anxious attachment, you may be all too familiar with the constant fear of abandonment that can overshadow your relationships.
Heightened anxiety
Individuals with anxious attachment often experience heightened anxiety and insecurity in their relationships. This anxiety can manifest as a persistent fear of abandonment or rejection, leading to a need for constant reassurance from their partner. The anxiety can also cause individuals to be hypersensitive to their partner’s actions and behaviors, leading to over-analysis and misinterpretation of situations.
Insecurity
Insecurity is another hallmark of anxious attachment, as individuals may doubt their worth or value in the relationship. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and a need to seek external validation from their partner. Insecurity can also contribute to patterns of clinginess or neediness, as individuals may struggle to feel secure in the relationship without constant contact or reassurance.
Overall, heightened anxiety and insecurity can create significant emotional distress for individuals with anxious attachment, leading to relationship difficulties and dissatisfaction.
Overanalysing
For those struggling with anxious attachment, the fear of abandonment can lead to a constant state of hypervigilance, analyzing every interaction in an attempt to gauge the health of the relationship. Each word, gesture, or action from your partner becomes a potential clue to their feelings, leading you to read deeply into even the most innocuous behaviors. This pattern can create a cycle of overthinking and rumination, consuming your thoughts and emotions and making it difficult to fully engage with the present moment. Over time, this constant state of analysis can put a strain on your relationships, leading to misunderstandings, miscommunications, and a sense of disconnection from your loved ones.
Difficulty being alone
Being alone can feel unbearable, leading you to cling to relationships, even if they’re unhealthy or toxic. The thought of being abandoned can be so overwhelming that you might sacrifice your own needs and wants to avoid conflict or disappointment.
Difficulty with regulating emotions
Managing your emotions can also be challenging, as anxious attachment can lead to intense reactions such as anger or despair in response to perceived threats or rejections. It can be difficult to regulate these emotions, leaving you feeling out of control and helpless.
Struggles with low self worth
Individuals with anxious attachment often struggle with feelings of low self-worth, which can manifest as insecurity and anxiety about their place in a relationship. This sense of unworthiness can lead to a constant need for validation and reassurance from their partner, as they seek external confirmation of their value and lovability. Unfortunately, this pattern can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, as the fear of rejection or abandonment can drive behaviors that strain the relationship and contribute to the very outcome they dread.
When a partner fails to respond to their needs or expresses dissatisfaction, individuals with anxious attachment may internalize these experiences as evidence of their own inadequacy or unworthiness. This can result in a spiral of self-blame and negative self-talk, further undermining their confidence and sense of self.
Putting other people’s needs above your own
One of the hallmarks of anxious attachment is the tendency to prioritize the needs and wants of others over your own. This behavior often stems from a deep-seated fear of abandonment, leading you to put your own feelings and needs on the back burner to avoid conflict or disappointment. You may find yourself constantly seeking validation and reassurance from others, and become hyper-focused on their emotions and reactions. Over time, this pattern can lead to a loss of identity and self-worth, as your own needs and desires become eclipsed by those of the people around you.
Anxious attachment style in relationships
Living with an anxious attachment can feel as though you’re constantly riding an emotional rollercoaster, filled with highs and lows.
Often those with an anxious attachment style struggle with insecurity about their partner’s feelings and stability of the connection.
For those with anxious attachment, relationships can be both a source of comfort and a source of distress. On one hand, the fear of being alone or rejected can be overwhelming, leading to constant doubt and worry that can be debilitating. On the other hand, the presence of a loving and attentive partner can be a powerful antidote, providing much-needed reassurance and support.
Often those with anxious attachment have a deep fear of abandonment and a significant fear of losing the people closest to them. This fear can be so intense that it motivates them to go to great lengths to maintain their relationships, even if it means compromising their own needs and boundaries.
This fear can manifest in various ways, such as overthinking, constantly seeking reassurance from their loved ones, fearing rejection, and engaging in behaviors that may harm their relationships in the long run, such as becoming overly clingy or controlling. Often, this behavior backfires, as it can push people away.
For those with anxious attachment, when faced with difficult emotions or challenges in their relationships, they may struggle to express themselves effectively which can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts, as they may not be able to clearly articulate their needs and concerns.
Often those with anxious attachment may find themselves lashing out or creating tension in an attempt to gain attention or reassurance. Unfortunately, this behavior can push their partner away, leading to feelings of isolation and abandonment, reinforcing their deep unconscious beliefs that others will leave them.
Can you change your attachment style?
The good news is that attachment styles can change. Having personally experienced anxious attachment for years, I’m dedicated to helping others learn how to overcome anxious attachment, become more secure and achieve lasting healing.
Whilst we can learn to heal insecure attachment through secure relationships to find a sense of stability, we can also do inner healing to build an internal secure attachment.
In fact, this holistic approach of setting the intention of cultivating secure relationships and building a secure internal attachment, gives us a thorough and well-rounded approach to healing and personal growth. By addressing both our external relationships and our internal emotional landscape, we can create lasting change and develop a greater sense of resilience and well-being.
Developing a secure internal attachment involves cultivating self-compassion, self-awareness, and emotional regulation skills. Through practices such as mindfulness, journaling, and therapy, we can begin to understand and reprogram the negative beliefs and patterns that contribute to our anxious attachment style.
As we build a stronger sense of self-worth and emotional stability, we become better equipped to create and maintain healthy, secure relationships with others. This holistic approach allows us to break free from the cycle of insecurity and fear, and instead, create a foundation of love, trust, and confidence that can support us in all areas of our lives.
From my experience, many courses focusing on techniques like journaling and affirmations may not address the core issue: the subconscious manifestations of attachment trauma.
To truly learn how to overcome anxious attachment, it’s crucial to utilise a subconscious approach that nurtures inner stability. Our Heal Insecure Attachment course leads you through the process of befriending anxiety and healing your inner child, facilitating the release of stored emotional energy and fostering a sense of security from within.
Healing anxious attachment necessitates a subconscious approach to cultivate inner security. Our Heal Insecure Attachment course guides you through befriending anxiety and healing the inner child, enabling the release of stored emotional energy and fostering security from within.
With over 6 hours of video content and therapeutic meditations, this course equips you with the tools to explore subconscious patterns and integrate them, promoting personal growth and deep-rooted security.
Enroll in our Heal Insecure Attachment course for a somatic and emotion-focused approach that targets the root causes of anxious attachment, paving the way for secure relationships and a more balanced life.
Seek therapy
If this resonates and you’d like to go deeper with therapy, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.