Have you ever felt like something was a little off about your childhood, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it? Maybe your parents provided for your basic needs, but they weren’t so great at understanding or supporting your emotions. If that sounds familiar, you might have grown up with emotionally immature parents.
Perhaps you felt like the adult growing up and you felt as though you were raised by children. Perhaps they didn’t know how to handle our own feelings, let alone yours. It’s likely that when you were upset, instead of comforting you, it was too uncomfortable for your parents and your parents would tell you to stop crying or get over it. That’s emotional immaturity in action.
Children are like mirrors for parents, and emotionally immature parents find it too confronting, so will often deflect the attention off them and inflict guilt and shame on their children by dismissing and invalidating their feelings.
However, this is emotional harm and often it leads to children growing up with feelings of guilt, shame, unworthiness and self-judgment towards our own emotions.
Later on in our adult lives, it leads to emotional dysregulation where they struggle to regulate our emotions and accept our emotions, because soothing and self-regulation was never modeled to them.
We can become so emotionally overwhelmed by our emotions and can feel helpless, almost like our emotions are never going to end, because that’s how it felt like when they were a child.
Understanding the signs of emotionally immature parents is the first step towards recognizing the impact of emotionally immature parenting on your emotional regulation and embarking on a healing journey.
By acknowledging your experiences and seeking support, you can cultivate emotional resilience, form healthier relationships, and foster personal growth as an adult. Remember that it’s never too late to work through the challenges of your upbringing, and there are resources and supportive communities available to help you along the way.
What is emotional immaturity?
What does it mean to be emotionally immature?
It’s natural for us all to have feelings and emotions as human beings. The goal is to be able to manage and control these emotions so that we don’t let them control us. However, some people haven’t learned how to do this effectively, which can lead to reacting impulsively or without restraint.
For example, if we grew up with a parent who was highly strung and would fly off the handle easily — this is an example of emotional immaturity. When adults haven’t learned how to cope with our emotions, they might act similarly, leading to challenges in our relationships and personal lives.
Dr Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents says that “Emotional immaturity is characterized by impulsive reactions, lack of empathy, and difficulty in taking responsibility for one’s actions.
In essence, it’s the inability to engage in emotional self-regulation, leading to challenges in relationships and personal development.” – Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”.
Signs of emotionally immature parents
So with that, let’s take a look at the signs of emotionally immature parents.
- Emotionally absent
Emotionally absent or unresponsive parents can leave children feeling neglected, isolated, and unsupported. These parents may be physically present, but emotionally unavailable, making it difficult for children to feel seen, heard, or understood.
Children of emotionally absent parents may feel that our feelings and experiences are not important, leading to low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. This lack of emotional connection can also make it hard for children to develop healthy relationships in the future, as they may not have learned how to form meaningful bonds.
- Lack of empathy
When parents struggle to show empathy, it can have a significant impact on our children’s emotional development. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, which is a crucial skill for healthy relationships. Children who grow up with parents who lack empathy may struggle to understand our own feelings, communicate effectively, and relate to others.
They may feel misunderstood, unheard, or even invalidated. This can lead to difficulties in social interactions, self-expression, and conflict resolution. Additionally, children who don’t receive empathy from our parents may be less likely to develop empathy themselves, leading to challenges in forming meaningful relationships in the future.
- They reacted strongly to situations
Parents who struggle to regulate our own emotions can create a volatile and unpredictable environment for our children. When parents have explosive tempers, get easily overwhelmed, or experience frequent mood swings, it can make children feel anxious, fearful, and unable to trust our caregivers.
Children in these situations may develop coping mechanisms like walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate our parents’ reactions, or becoming emotionally numb. Living in this type of environment can also impact children’s ability to regulate our own emotions, as they may not have had healthy role models to learn from.
- Inconsistent and unpredictable behaviour
Inconsistent or unpredictable behavior from parents can create confusion, uncertainty, and instability for children. When parents’ actions and reactions are erratic, it can make it challenging for children to develop a sense of trust, safety, and security in our home environment. This unpredictability can lead to feelings of anxiety, hypervigilance, and difficulty in forming healthy attachments.
Children in these situations may struggle with self-esteem issues, academic challenges, and behavioral problems. Additionally, they may carry these insecurities into adulthood, impacting our relationships, career choices, and overall well-being. It’s crucial for parents to strive for consistency in our actions, communicate openly with our children, and provide a stable environment to foster healthy emotional development.
- Lack of accountability
When parents struggle to take accountability for our actions, it can create an unhealthy dynamic in the family. Parents who shift blame, make excuses, or deny responsibility for our behavior can set a poor example for our children and make it difficult for them to learn from our mistakes.
Children may begin to internalize the idea that they are not responsible for our own actions, leading to a lack of personal responsibility and accountability. Additionally, children may feel resentful, frustrated, or even manipulated when they see our parents refusing to take responsibility.
- Selfish
Parents who prioritize our own needs and desires above those of our children can be considered selfish. These parents may consistently put our own wants first, neglecting our children’s physical, emotional, or developmental needs. Selfish parents may fail to provide adequate care, support, or attention, leaving our children feeling neglected, insecure, or even unloved.
This behavior can also lead to role reversal, where children feel responsible for taking care of our parents’ needs, sacrificing our own childhood in the process. Children of selfish parents may struggle with low self-esteem, feelings of guilt, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships in the future.
- They relied on our children for support
Emotionally immature parents may rely on our children for emotional support, turning the natural parent-child dynamic on its head. This is known as parentification, where children feel responsible for taking care of our parents’ emotional needs, often at the expense of our own well-being.
Children in these situations may feel overwhelmed, overburdened, or guilty for not being able to “fix” our parents’ problems. They may also feel like they can’t turn to our parents for support or guidance, as they are the ones who need to be taken care of. This role reversal can lead to long-lasting emotional issues, such as codependency, difficulty setting boundaries, and struggles in forming healthy relationships.
- Lack of respect for boundaries
Emotionally immature parents often struggle to set healthy boundaries with our children, leading to a lack of privacy, personal space, or autonomy. This can manifest in various ways, such as invading our children’s rooms without knocking, reading our diaries or personal messages, or interfering excessively in our friendships and romantic relationships.
These boundary violations can make children feel disrespected, untrusted, or even violated. They may also struggle to develop our own boundaries and assert our needs in other relationships, leading to feelings of resentment or exploitation.
- Quick to misinterpret communication as a threat or criticism
Emotionally immature parents may have a tendency to misinterpret our children’s communication as a personal attack or criticism, causing them to react defensively or aggressively. This hypersensitivity to perceived threats can create a hostile and tense environment, where children feel afraid to express our feelings or opinions for fear of triggering our parents’ reactivity.
These defensive reactions can also make it difficult for parents to hear and understand our children’s perspectives, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. Children may learn to avoid confrontation, suppress our emotions, or internalize blame in order to avoid our parents’ defensive reactions.
- Neglectful
Emotionally immature parents may struggle to meet our children’s emotional needs, leaving them feeling emotionally neglected or unfulfilled. This inability to provide emotional support can manifest in various ways, such as dismissing our children’s feelings, failing to provide comfort during times of distress, or being unable to validate our children’s emotions.
As a result, children may develop coping mechanisms such as emotional detachment, self-soothing behaviors, or codependent relationships to meet our emotional needs. These coping mechanisms can lead to emotional difficulties in adulthood, such as attachment issues, anxiety, or depression.
11. Hold grudges
Emotionally immature parents may hold onto grudges, refusing to forgive or move past past conflicts or disagreements. This tendency can create ongoing tension and resentment within the family, making it difficult for children to feel safe and secure.
Children who grow up with parents who hold grudges may feel caught in the middle of conflicts, or may learn to suppress our own emotions and opinions to avoid triggering our parents’ anger. They may also struggle to develop healthy conflict resolution skills, as they have not witnessed positive role models for resolving disagreements.
12. Critical
Emotionally immature parents may be overly critical of our children, focusing on our flaws and mistakes rather than acknowledging our strengths and accomplishments. This constant criticism can erode children’s self-esteem, leaving them feeling inadequate, unworthy, or even ashamed.
Children who grow up with critical parents may internalize these negative messages, leading to self-doubt, perfectionism, or fear of failure. They may also struggle to trust our own instincts or feel confident in our abilities.
The impact of emotionally immature parents
The impact of having emotionally immature parents can be significant and long-lasting. Children of emotionally immature parents may experience various emotional, social, and psychological challenges that can affect our well-being and development.
- Low self-esteem
Growing up with emotionally immature parents can result in children internalizing negative messages and criticism, leading to feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth. This low self-esteem can persist into adulthood, affecting various aspects of life, including relationships, career choices, and overall well-being. Children who receive limited emotional validation and support may struggle to value our own needs and accomplishments, leading to a distorted self-image and difficulties in asserting themselves or pursuing our goals.
- Difficulty regulating emotions
Emotionally immature parents may not provide a stable or nurturing environment for children to learn how to manage our emotions effectively. This lack of emotional regulation modeling can result in children struggling to identify, express, or cope with our feelings in healthy ways. They may experience intense emotional outbursts, mood swings, or become emotionally detached as a means of self-protection. In adulthood, these individuals may face challenges in managing stress, maintaining healthy relationships, or coping with life’s challenges.
- Attachment issues
Inconsistent or emotionally unavailable parenting can disrupt the formation of secure attachments, which are crucial for healthy emotional development and relationships. Children of emotionally immature parents may develop anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles, which can manifest in difficulties forming intimate connections, trusting others, or feeling emotionally safe. This can lead to a cycle of unhealthy relationships or social isolation.
- Anxiety and depression
Chronic stress from growing up with emotionally immature parents can have lasting effects on mental health, potentially leading to anxiety disorders or depression. The constant emotional turmoil, unpredictability, or lack of emotional support can create a sense of fear, instability, or hopelessness. These mental health issues may persist into adulthood, affecting daily functioning, relationships, and overall quality of life.
- Difficulty setting boundaries
Children who grow up with parents who frequently violate our boundaries may struggle to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in our own relationships. This can result in codependency, where individuals neglect our own needs to take care of others, or being more susceptible to exploitation or manipulation.
Learning to set and maintain boundaries is essential for building healthy relationships and a strong sense of self. This can be developed through therapy, assertiveness training, and seeking support from healthy role models.
- Isolation and loneliness
Growing up with emotionally immature parents can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. When children are not emotionally supported, understood, or connected with our parents, they may feel disconnected from our families and those around them.
This can result in difficulty forming meaningful relationships, difficulty trusting others, or difficulty sharing emotions, all of which can contribute to a sense of loneliness and isolation. The unpredictable or volatile environment created by emotionally immature parents may make children hesitant to seek support or connection from others, leading to further isolation.
- Fear of intimacy
Emotionally immature parents may create an environment that does not foster vulnerability or emotional closeness, leading to difficulties with intimacy in adulthood. Children who do not experience healthy emotional connections or feel emotionally unsafe may struggle to develop trust, openness, and vulnerability in our relationships.
This fear of intimacy can result in emotional detachment, avoidance of close relationships, or difficulties expressing emotions. Addressing this fear may involve therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, to explore and challenge the underlying beliefs and fears associated with intimacy.
- Fear of abandonment
Fear of abandonment is a common issue for those who have emotionally immature parents. When children do not receive consistent emotional support, validation, or predictability in our relationships with our parents, they may develop a fear that the people close to them will leave or abandon them.
This fear can manifest in various ways, such as clinginess, avoidance of relationships, or difficulty trusting others. People with a fear of abandonment may also engage in self-sabotaging behaviors to push people away, reaffirming our belief that they are unworthy of love and connection.
- A need for constant validation
The need for validation is often prominent in people who have experienced emotionally immature parenting. When parents do not provide adequate emotional support or recognition, children may develop an intense need for validation from others. This can lead to a dependency on external sources of approval, such as friends, romantic partners, or authority figures.
People may constantly seek reassurance, praise, or acceptance to fill the emotional void left by our parents. This constant need for validation can result in people-pleasing behaviors, low self-esteem, or difficulty making decisions based on our own needs and desires.
- Emotionally unhealthy coping mechanisms
Children of emotionally immature parents may develop unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms as a way to deal with the stress, anxiety, and emotional pain caused by our upbringing. One common coping mechanism is substance abuse, where individuals use drugs or alcohol as a way to numb our feelings or escape from our emotional struggles.
Substance abuse can become a vicious cycle, providing temporary relief but ultimately exacerbating the underlying emotional issues. Other unhealthy coping mechanisms may include self-harm, disordered eating, excessive spending, or risky behaviors.
How to heal from emotionally immature parents
Healing from the experiences of having emotionally immature parents is a journey that involves self-awareness, acceptance, and personal growth.
A significant part of this healing process is recognizing and letting go of the unrealistic expectations or fantasies one might have held onto regarding our parents.
Children of emotionally immature parents often believe that if they change our own behavior or try harder to please our parents, they can somehow elicit a more emotionally responsive and supportive relationship.
The danger of attempting to constantly adapt and please emotionally immature parents is that you may become overly self-sacrificing, losing your sense of self in the process, which negatively impacts your mental health.
In an effort to gain the love and emotional support you crave, you may engage in people-pleasing behaviors, suppressing your own needs, desires, and voice. Over time, this can lead to a loss of personal identity, diminished self-worth, and feelings of resentment or anger.
Rather than distorting yourself to fit the expectations of your emotionally immature parents and lashing out when our needs are not met, it’s better to accept your parents’ limitations.
This involves acknowledging that your parents are stuck in the past, they are children and are emotionally underdeveloped, and that they don’t have the capacity to provide emotional support and understanding.
Instead of trying to control your relationship with your parents, and hoping that they can change, focus on what you CAN control instead.
Although you can’t choose your biological family, you can choose your soul family and surround yourself with emotionally mature, empathetic friends who can provide those emotional needs of support and validation.
Gabor Maté, renowned physician says “In certain circumstances, you cannot heal yourself by going back to the people who hurt you. That doesn’t work.”
It isn’t advisable to seek healing and emotional validation from parents who are emotionally immature and have caused significant pain and trauma. Trying to engage with them may only exacerbate the problem and lead to further emotional distress.
By prioritizing your emotional well-being and developing healthy relationships, you can break free from the destructive cycle of trying to change emotionally immature parents and trying to gain an apology or accountability.
Instead of trying to seek healing from your parents, you can seek healing inside of yourself, by healing the parts of you that are holding hurt and pain from our lack of approval and nurturing.
You can begin by setting boundaries with your parents, managing expectations and seeking emotional validation from a therapist who can help you reparent yourself and release the stored emotional energy of trauma from your mind and body with somatic therapy and inner child work.
This helps you to take your power back and safeguards you from further disappointment and emotional harm.
How internal family systems therapy can help
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can be an effective approach in healing from the impacts of emotionally immature parents. This therapeutic modality recognizes that individuals possess various “parts” or sub-personalities that serve different functions in response to life experiences, such as emotional harm and neglect. By utilizing IFS therapy, individuals can work on identifying these parts and understanding how they have been influenced by our parents’ emotional immaturity.
Through the process of meeting these impacted parts with love, compassion, and understanding, individuals can begin to heal and integrate these parts into a more cohesive sense of self. This involves acknowledging the pain and trauma these parts have experienced, providing them with the emotional validation and support they lacked, and fostering a sense of self-compassion.
By addressing the various parts that have been influenced by emotionally immature parents, individuals can work towards developing healthier coping strategies, establishing boundaries, and forming more secure relationships.
If you’re ready to begin, you can view my availability here.