12 Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships
Have you ever felt like something’s not right in your relationship, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Sometimes, relationships can become unhealthy and even abusive without us realising it.
Emotional abuse is one of those situations where things might start subtly but often escalates over time into persistent, harmful behaviour. We might even think this person is caring and attentive, but then later down the line we realise it wasn’t care, it was control.
Emotional abuse happens when a person tries to control you, make you scared, or keep you away from friends and family. While it doesn’t involve physically hurting you, it can still leave deep emotional wounds. Remember, even though emotional abuse doesn’t involve physical harm, it’s still very serious and can have long-lasting effects on your well-being.
Ongoing abusive behaviors can have a more significant impact on your mental health compared to a single event. If the abuse is part of a larger pattern, the effects can be more severe and lead to mental health difficulties, such as depression, anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
It’s important to remember that any red flags need to be taken as warning signs that signal “do not escalate the relationship further”. Remove yourself from the space and take your time to get the support you need and process your feelings.
When you notice these signs of emotional abuse and take space from the relationship, an abusive person might try to pull you back into the relationship with fake apologies to control you, guilt (“I do so much for you) and emotional manipulation (“you’ll go off with other men”).
It’s important to take your time and always put yourself first.
Put your feelings first.
Put your needs first.
Put yourself first and safeguard your physical and emotional wellbeing.
Don’t let someone else rush you, pressure you or pull you back into an unhealthy dynamic when your gut is telling you “RUN”.
If you’re feeling lonely or isolated this can make you vulnerable to emotional abuse in relationships. However, there is support out there from people who are informed about emotional abuse, can validate your experiences, share psycho-education on power and control dynamics, give you emotional support and guidance.
Remember, often in relationships the one red flag we ignore early on in the relationship becomes the reason we leave the relationship later down the line. Listen to your gut. Your gut is your body’s signal to protect you.
Sometimes unprocessed trauma from our childhood can make it difficult to trust our own gut and we struggle with self trust, making us vulnerable to emotional manipulation.
For example, when we have stored energy of anxiety in the body or fear of abandonment, we can struggle to trust ourselves because our fears are greater than our intuition, and sometimes what is familiar may be a controlling relationship with a parent, and what is familiar often feels safe.
Often our relationship dynamics are unconscious, and we may find ourselves repeating similar patterns in our relationships without fully understanding why. These unconscious patterns can lead us to seek out partners who mirror the dynamics we experienced in our early relationships with parents or caregivers, even if those dynamics were unhealthy or controlling. The familiarity of these patterns can make us feel safe, even if they ultimately cause harm.
Breaking free from these unconscious patterns requires self-awareness, healing, and learning to trust our intuition. By addressing our fears and anxieties, we can begin to recognise the signs of emotional abuse and create healthier relationships that truly support our well-being.
So whilst you read this blog and educate yourself on the signs of emotional abuse. Take your time. Don’t let anyone pressure or rush you. There is no rush. You have a right to leave a relationship if you feel unsafe. You have a right to change your mind about someone. You don’t owe anyone anything.
Put yourself first and seek support from a professional, call abuse helplines and people you trust.
So with that, let’s look at the 12 signs of emotional abuse in relationships and you’ll be better equipped to identify if your relationship is heading down an unhealthy path.
1 – Belittling
Belittling is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to make their partners feel small, incompetent, or inferior. This can take many forms, such as mocking your accomplishments, dismissing your opinions, or making you feel like you can’t do anything right. Over time, this constant belittlement can wear down your self-esteem and make you doubt your abilities. Belittling is a way for abusers to maintain control by making you reliant on their approval and validation. It’s essential to recognize the signs of belittling and remember that you deserve a partner who supports and encourages you, not someone who tears you down.
2 – Crossing boundaries
Boundary-crossing is a major red flag in any relationship, especially when it’s part of an emotionally abusive dynamic. Emotional abusers often disregard or violate their partner’s boundaries, whether they’re physical, emotional, or digital. This could manifest as pressuring you to do things you’re uncomfortable with, constantly invading your personal space, or refusing to respect your need for alone time.
Boundary-crossing can also involve going through your phone or social media accounts without permission or insisting on knowing your passwords. These violations of trust and privacy can make you feel trapped, powerless, and unable to maintain healthy personal boundaries. Remember that setting and enforcing boundaries is crucial for your well-being and a key aspect of any healthy relationship.
3 – Yelling
Yelling is a common and unsettling tactic used by emotional abusers to intimidate and manipulate their partners. It’s a way for abusers to assert their dominance and make you feel afraid or powerless. Yelling can occur during arguments, when they don’t get their way, or even as a response to minor mistakes. This constant fear of being yelled at can cause you to walk on eggshells, always trying to avoid setting off the abuser’s temper. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of helplessness. Yelling is not a normal or acceptable part of a healthy relationship, and it’s crucial to recognize this behavior for what it is: a form of emotional abuse.
4 – Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a particularly insidious form of emotional abuse that involves manipulating you into questioning your own memory, perception, and sanity. Abusers who use gaslighting will deny saying things, twist your words, or flat-out lie, all in an effort to make you doubt yourself and rely more heavily on their version of reality. This can cause you to second-guess your own instincts and feel like you’re going crazy. Gaslighting is a powerful tool for emotional abusers, as it erodes your trust in yourself and your ability to make sense of the world around you. If you find yourself constantly doubting your own memory or questioning your sanity, it’s possible you’re experiencing gaslighting, and it’s crucial to reach out for support and help.
Example of gaslighting phrases may be:
- “You’re crazy”.
- “You’re imagining things”.
5 – Isolation
Isolation is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to maintain control over their partners. By isolating their victim from family, friends, or other support systems, the abuser can make the victim feel dependent on them, more vulnerable, and less likely to leave the relationship.
Isolation can take many forms, such as prohibiting contact with others, controlling transportation or access to resources, or even shaming the victim for spending time with others. Over time, this type of behavior can lead to feelings of loneliness, depression, and low self-worth, as the victim begins to believe they are unworthy of support or connection with others. It’s crucial to recognize the signs of isolation and seek help if you feel that someone is trying to separate you from your support system or limit your autonomy.
6 – Guilting
Guilting is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to manipulate and control their partners. Abusers who use guilting often make their partners feel responsible for their own emotions, actions, or problems. They might say things like “If you loved me, you would do X” or “I do so much for you and you reject me”.
These statements can make you feel like you’re constantly falling short or not doing enough, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy. Guilting can also involve playing the victim or using emotional blackmail to get their way. By recognising the signs of guilting, you can protect yourself from this form of emotional abuse and set healthy boundaries in your relationships.
It is important to remember that your emotional needs and boundaries are valid and should be respected in any relationship.
7 – Accusing
Accusing someone without a valid reason is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to manipulate and control their partners. The abuser may make unfounded accusations of infidelity, dishonesty, or other wrongdoings in order to deflect attention from their own behavior, keep their partner on the defensive, and maintain an upper hand in the relationship.
These accusations can be incredibly damaging to the victim’s self-esteem, making them feel like they must constantly defend themselves or prove their loyalty. Over time, this pattern of behavior can lead the victim to doubt their own perception of reality and become increasingly reliant on the abuser for validation. Accusing is a form of emotional abuse that undermines trust, erodes personal boundaries, and fosters a toxic dynamic in the relationship.
8 – Criticising
Criticizing can become emotionally abusive when it is constant, degrading, and serves to undermine the victim’s self-esteem. An emotionally abusive criticizer will often attack their partner’s character, personality, appearance, or abilities, often using hurtful language and personal insults. This type of criticism goes beyond constructive feedback and serves only to tear the victim down, making them feel inadequate and unworthy. Over time, constant criticism can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and low self-worth, as the victim begins to internalize the abuser’s negative messages. Criticizing is a form of emotional abuse that can have serious long-term consequences for the victim’s mental health and well-being.
9 – Blaming
Blaming is another tactic used by emotional abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions and shift the blame onto their partners. Abusers who use blaming will find fault with everything you do, making you feel like you’re always in the wrong. They might say things like “You made me do it” or “This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t done X.”
This constant blaming can erode your self-esteem and cause you to doubt your own judgment. Blaming is a way for abusers to maintain control by making you believe that you’re the problem, when in reality, the problem lies with their abusive behavior. Recognizing the signs of blaming is crucial in order to protect yourself from this form of emotional abuse and take back control of your own life.
10 – Shaming
Shaming is an emotionally abusive tactic that involves making you feel embarrassed, humiliated, or unworthy. Abusers who use shaming might criticize your appearance, your personality, or your choices, often in front of others. They might make jokes at your expense, point out your flaws, or call you names. Shaming is designed to break down your self-esteem and make you feel like you’re not good enough. An example may be “You’re waiting for the next man to run through you”.
Over time, this can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and low self-worth. It’s essential to recognize the signs of shaming and remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity in all your relationships. Shaming is a form of emotional abuse, and it’s never okay or justified.
11 – Emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail is a tactic commonly used by emotional abusers to manipulate and control their victims. By using threats, guilt, or other forms of coercion, abusers can force their partners to act in ways that benefit the abuser, often at the expense of the victim’s own well-being. This type of behavior is emotionally abusive because it strips the victim of their agency and independence, making them feel like they have no choice but to comply with the abuser’s demands.
This can start off subtle in the beginning with things like “my ex cheated on me”, so that you see them as a victim. Often people who are vulnerable to emotional abuse are empathetic and their empathy is exploited.
This can be damaging to a victim’s self-esteem, leading them to doubt their own judgment and blame themselves for the abuse they’re experiencing. If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional blackmail in a relationship, it’s important to seek help and support, as this type of abuse can have serious long-term effects on mental health and well-being.
12 – Sleep deprivation
Abusers may use sleep deprivation as a tactic to control and weaken their partners. By interrupting or preventing sleep, the abuser can make the victim feel physically exhausted, emotionally drained, and less able to resist manipulation or coercion. Sleep deprivation can cause a range of physical symptoms, including fatigue, headaches, and difficulty concentrating, as well as mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and mood swings. Over time, sleep deprivation can erode the victim’s ability to function normally and increase their vulnerability to further abuse. It’s important to recognize the signs of sleep deprivation and seek help if you feel that someone is intentionally interfering with your ability to get rest.
Consider therapy
If you’re in a relationship with someone who displays signs of emotional abuse and red flags but you feel confused and self doubt, therapy can provide much needed support.
Or if you’ve left the relationship and realize how much it’s impacted your mental health and you’re experiencing depression, anxiety or PTSD, therapy can help you navigate confusing emotions, regain confidence, and address any resulting depression, anxiety, or PTSD.
Having a compassion-focused approach helps people to go on an empathetic journey of meeting the parts of them affected by emotional abuse, fostering self-love, self-compassion and healing.
An overview of internal family systems therapy
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is a compassion-focused approach that focuses on healing the different parts of ourselves, or “inner family.”
IFS can help you connect with the parts of you that have been hurt, developing a deeper understanding of how these experiences have shaped your thoughts and behaviors.
By fostering self-compassion and awareness, IFS therapy empowers you to integrate these wounded parts into your overall sense of self, reducing feelings of guilt, shame and self-blame. Through this process, you can develop healthier relationships with yourself and others, enhancing your overall well-being and ability to cope with past trauma. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.