From Insecure to Earned Secure Attachment: 8 Strategies

Our attachment styles form in the early stages of life, shaped by how our primary caregivers attended to our emotional needs.

Typically, these initial attachment patterns maintain a degree of stability throughout our lives and impact our adult relationships. So for example, someone with a secure attachment style in childhood, where their emotional needs were consistently met, will likely carry this pattern into adulthood. 

As a result, they may find it easier to develop trusting, stable relationships, openly communicate their feelings, and provide support to their partners.

Conversely, individuals who experienced insecure attachment during their formative years, characterized by emotional neglect, inconsistency, or trauma, are more likely to exhibit similar patterns in their adult relationships. For instance, they may struggle with trust issues, fear of abandonment, or difficulty expressing their needs, leading to challenges in forming and maintaining healthy connections.

However can our attachment style change?

Although our early attachment patterns may influence our adult relationships, the good news is that it’s possible for our attachment style to change. With conscious effort, introspection, and therapeutic interventions, individuals can work towards a more secure and healthy attachment approach.

The concept of “earned secure attachment” underscores this potential for transformation. By engaging in self-work, gaining insight into our attachment history, and cultivating secure relationships later in life, we can foster an earned secure attachment style. This positive shift not only impacts our current relationships but also paves the way for healthier connections in the future, ultimately leading to enhanced emotional well-being and resilience.

Fortunately, our brains possess incredible resilience and the capacity to rewire themselves following consistent positive experiences. Thus, healthy relationships can reshape our early insecure connections. Essentially, it’s possible to transform an insecure attachment style into what experts call earned secure attachment.

What is earned secure attachment?

Earned secure attachment is a remarkable testament to our capacity for growth and resilience in the realm of human connection. This transformative relationship style emerges when individuals with a history of insecure attachment patterns develop healthier, more adaptive ways of connecting with others over time. Through a combination of self-awareness, intentional relationship skills, and a willingness to challenge emotional defenses, individuals can overcome their initial attachment insecurities and forge secure, fulfilling relationships.

Some of the signs of earned secure attachment include:

• Individuals with earned secure attachment demonstrate a strong understanding of their emotions and can identify how their attachment history influences their current behavior in relationships.
• They can clearly and openly express their needs, feelings, and boundaries while being receptive and empathetic towards their partner’s emotions and needs.
• Earned secure attachment is characterized by a foundation of trust, dependability, and consistency within relationships, allowing for deeper intimacy and vulnerability.
• These individuals can navigate conflicts and challenges in their relationships with resilience, utilizing healthy coping strategies to manage stress and maintain emotional balance.
• They establish and maintain clear boundaries while respecting their partner’s boundaries, fostering a sense of personal identity and mutual respect within the relationship.
• Individuals with earned secure attachment are emotionally available, supportive, and responsive to their partner’s emotional needs, promoting a sense of security and connection.

The journey towards earned secure attachment begins with cultivating emotional self-awareness. This involves engaging in introspection and examining one’s attachment patterns to understand how they impact relationships. As individuals become more attuned to their emotional responses, they can recognize when their behaviors or reactions may stem from an insecure attachment style.

Simultaneously, developing intentional relationship skills is crucial for fostering earned secure attachment. This includes learning and practicing healthy communication techniques, such as expressing emotions and needs clearly and assertively while remaining open and empathetic to others’ perspectives. Emotional regulation and the willingness to be vulnerable also contribute to the development of stronger, more authentic connections.

The journey towards earned secure attachment demonstrates our remarkable capacity for growth and transformation in the face of past adversity. As individuals embrace this process, they not only foster resilience and emotional well-being but also create a foundation for lasting, meaningful relationships. This powerful transformation offers hope to those seeking to overcome insecure attachment and create a brighter, more connected future.

How to develop earned secure attachment

1. Identify your attachment style 

Identifying your attachment style is a critical first step in developing earned secure attachment. By understanding your unique patterns of connection and emotional response, you can gain valuable insights into how to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships. There are four primary attachment styles, each with distinct characteristics and implications for emotional connection.

The four attachment styles are:

Secure: Individuals with a secure attachment style exhibit comfort with intimacy, trust in their partners, and effective communication of their needs.

Anxious: Those with an anxious attachment style tend to crave intimacy but may experience insecurity, fear of rejection, and heightened sensitivity in their relationships.

Avoidant: People with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with emotional closeness, value independence over intimacy, and may appear distant or dismissive in their connections.

Disorganised: Individuals with a disorganized attachment style exhibit unpredictable patterns in their relationships, often experiencing intense fear or confusion around intimacy.

To determine your attachment style and unlock personalized strategies for cultivating earned secure attachment, take our attachment quiz. With greater self-awareness and tailored guidance, you’ll be well on your way to fostering healthier, more satisfying relationships and embracing the transformative power of earned secure attachment.

2. Practice self-reflection

Engaging in self-reflection on your attachment patterns is an essential aspect of fostering earned secure attachment. By exploring your unique emotional responses and behaviors within relationships, you can develop a deeper understanding of how your attachment style has evolved as a protective mechanism. This curiosity and introspection enable you to approach your connections with greater compassion and intentionality.

Start by observing your emotional reactions in various relationship scenarios, such as when a partner seeks closeness, expresses vulnerability, or engages in conflict. Notice any patterns that emerge, and consider how these responses may have protected you from perceived threats or emotional pain in the past. For instance, an avoidant attachment style might have shielded you from rejection or disappointment, while an anxious style may have served as a vigilant defense against potential abandonment.

As you gain awareness of your attachment patterns, approach them with curiosity and non-judgment. Recognize that these strategies emerged as a means of navigating the complex emotional landscape of human connection. By honoring their protective role while acknowledging their limitations, you can begin to reframe your attachment style and work towards cultivating the emotional security that fosters healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

3. Create an internal attachment figure

Creating an internal attachment figure is a powerful tool in fostering earned secure attachment. By cultivating a nurturing, supportive inner voice, you establish a secure base within yourself – one that can offer comfort, reassurance, and guidance as you navigate your relationships. This practice can help diminish feelings of anxiety and insecurity, promoting greater emotional stability and resilience.

Start by envisioning an ideal caregiver or attachment figure – one who embodies the qualities you seek in a secure relationship, such as empathy, understanding, and consistent support. Allow this figure to become a part of your inner dialogue, offering words of wisdom and encouragement as you face challenges or experience distress in your relationships.

As you develop this internal attachment figure, you’ll begin to internalise a sense of security and self-worth that extends beyond any single relationship. This newfound resilience will enable you to approach your connections with greater confidence and authenticity, fostering healthier, more fulfilling bonds with others. By nurturing your own emotional well-being, you lay the groundwork for earned secure attachment and create a foundation for lasting, meaningful relationships.

4. Carefully evaluate partners

A proactive approach to developing an earned secure attachment involves carefully evaluating potential partners in the early stages of a relationship. By examining compatibility, emotional availability, and shared values, you can build a strong foundation for a secure and fulfilling connection while minimizing the risk of falling into familiar, unhealthy relationship patterns.

To cultivate earned secure attachment by vetting partners, invest time in learning about them, inquiring about their background, and observing their behavior to gauge emotional availability and shared values. Focus on their communication style, conflict resolution abilities, and treatment of others, as these can offer insights into their attachment style.

Stay attuned to your own attachment patterns and emotional needs, ensuring that the connection feels balanced and reciprocal. By thoughtfully selecting partners who are capable of forming secure attachments, you’ll be better equipped to develop earned secure attachment and foster relationships that are supportive, nurturing, and enduring.

5. Attune to your feelings and needs

Attuning to your feelings and needs is an essential practice in developing earned secure attachment. By cultivating a deeper understanding of your emotions and personal requirements, you equip yourself with the self-awareness necessary to create healthy, fulfilling relationships. This process empowers you to recognize when your needs are being met, as well as when a partner may not be the best fit for your emotional well-being.

Embracing emotional attunement requires introspection and mindfulness. Take time to explore your emotions, reflecting on what triggers feelings of insecurity or anxiety within your relationships. Identify patterns that may be contributing to these negative emotions and consider alternative coping mechanisms that align with your attachment goals.

As you develop a stronger connection to your feelings and needs, you’ll be better equipped to communicate them assertively and establish boundaries within your relationships. This practice cultivates an environment of trust, vulnerability, and emotional safety – all critical components of earned secure attachment. By acknowledging and prioritizing your needs, you empower yourself to seek connections that foster growth, support, and genuine connection.

6. Practice communication

A crucial part of developing earned secure attachment lies in mastering the art of emotional communication. By articulating your needs and feelings transparently and assertively, you create an environment conducive to empathy, understanding, and connection in your relationships. This open dialogue can help alleviate the fear and insecurity often associated with insecure attachment, ultimately fostering trust and emotional safety.

To achieve earned secure attachment through emotional communication, start by identifying your needs within the relationship. Communicate these needs using “I” statements, centering the conversation around your feelings and experiences, while avoiding blame or criticism toward your partner. Actively listen to your partner’s responses and collaborate to find solutions that address both of your needs.

By consistently practicing open and empathetic communication, you’ll foster earned secure attachment, building relationships based on mutual understanding, trust, and emotional connection. Remember, effective communication is a skill that improves with practice, and every conversation you have contributes to your journey toward earned secure attachment and the cultivation of strong, resilient bonds.

7. Set your standards

Standards play a pivotal role in fostering earned secure attachment, as they serve as a guiding framework for establishing healthy relationships. By setting clear expectations and communicating them effectively, you lay the foundation for a connection that nurtures your emotional needs and promotes a sense of security. Conversely, neglecting to establish standards can lead to settling for relationships that ultimately perpetuate feelings of anxiety and insecurity.

In today’s dating landscape, many individuals feel pressured to adopt a “cool girl” persona, masking their genuine needs and desires to appear more desirable. However, this approach often backfires, as it not only undermines personal values but also attracts partners who are unable or unwilling to meet those needs. In essence, the pursuit of being the “cool girl” can inadvertently contribute to maintaining unhealthy relationships that exacerbate anxious attachment patterns.

By embracing your needs and communicating them assertively, you may inadvertently scare away partners who are incompatible or unwilling to invest in a secure, healthy connection. Simultaneously, this honesty will naturally attract individuals who share your values and are eager to build a relationship that aligns with your standards. In doing so, you pave the way for earned secure attachment and cultivate a sense of trust, intimacy, and vulnerability in your relationships. Remember, authenticity is the cornerstone of any successful connection, and having standards ensures that you honor your own needs while fostering a supportive, emotionally fulfilling partnership.

8. Heal the child within

Healing the child within is a transformative process that can pave the way for earned secure attachment. This journey involves addressing unresolved emotional wounds from childhood, fostering self-compassion, and reparenting your inner child to cultivate a stronger sense of security and self-worth.

Begin by acknowledging the unmet needs and painful experiences of your inner child. Extend empathy and understanding to this younger version of yourself, recognizing that their experiences have shaped your attachment style and emotional landscape. By offering compassion to your inner child, you create a foundation for healing and growth.

Next, engage in reparenting by providing the emotional nurturance and support that may have been absent during your formative years. Visualize your current self as a loving caregiver, offering guidance, reassurance, and unconditional love to your inner child. This process enables you to rewrite your attachment narrative, fostering earned secure attachment and promoting emotional resilience in your adult relationships. As you heal the child within, you’ll discover greater capacity for trust, vulnerability, and genuine connection with others.

9. Seek emotional support

Learning to seek emotional support is a vital skill for developing earned secure attachment. By recognizing the value of vulnerability and leaning on trusted individuals during times of need, you can build a network of connection and understanding that bolsters your emotional well-being. 

This process fosters resilience and trust, both crucial components of secure attachment.

Start by identifying individuals in your life who have demonstrated empathy, emotional availability, and consistent support. These may be friends, family members, or even mental health professionals. Acknowledge any hesitation or discomfort you might feel when seeking help, and remember that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.

As you begin to reach out for support, practice expressing your feelings and needs clearly and directly. Communicate your desire for understanding or assistance, and be open to the empathy and guidance offered by those who care for you. With time and practice, seeking emotional support will become more natural, and you’ll experience the transformative power of secure connection in fostering resilience, self-worth, and emotional well-being.

Build earned secure attachment

Transforming attachment patterns towards earned secure attachment requires a more profound approach than conventional self-help methods such as journaling, affirmations, and workbooks. While these techniques offer valuable insights into attachment theory, addressing attachment trauma necessitates targeting its subconscious origins.

To effectively cultivate earned secure attachment, focusing on subconscious strategies that foster inner resilience and stability is essential. By identifying and addressing the root causes of attachment trauma and nurturing a solid sense of security within, individuals can experience transformative growth and create healthier, thriving relationships.

Our Heal Insecure Attachment course guides participants through the process of managing anxiety and nurturing their inner child, enabling the release of emotional energy and cultivating an internal secure attachment style. This comprehensive course provides over 6 hours of video content and therapeutic meditations, equipping participants with practical tools to explore subconscious patterns related to anxious attachment and facilitate their integration.

By embracing this somatic and emotion-focused approach, participants can address the core issues underlying anxious attachment and learn how to overcome anxious preoccupied attachment, paving the way for secure relationships and overall well-being.

Explore our Heal Insecure Attachment course to embark on a journey of self-discovery, inner healing, and personal growth. By addressing the signs of anxious attachment at their source, individuals can develop an earned secure attachment style, laying the foundation for healthier relationships and a more balanced, fulfilling life.

Therapy

I recommend internal family systems therapy for integrating the parts of you that carry fear and insecurity from the past, so you can strengthen your wise, secure adult self and create secure relationships.