Anxious attachment therapy
Anxious attachment is a common relationship attachment style characterised by a strong desire for closeness and intimacy, coupled with feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment. Individuals with an anxious attachment style often struggle to maintain healthy relationships due to their emotional volatility and dependency on others for validation. Fortunately, anxious attachment therapy can be an effective way to address these concerns and develop a more secure attachment style.
Characteristics of Anxious Attachment
People with an anxious attachment style typically exhibit the following characteristics:
- Fear of abandonment or rejection
- Overly focused on their partner’s emotional availability and responsiveness
- Difficulty managing emotions and setting boundaries
- Need for constant reassurance and validation
- Difficulty trusting others and feeling secure in relationships
Left unaddressed, anxious attachment can lead to a cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns, emotional distress, and low self-esteem. Anxious attachment therapy gives anxious hearts a beautiful modality to heal their anxious system and find more emotional balance.
Anxious Attachment Therapy
Anxious attachment therapy can help people with anxious attachmentdevelop healthier relationship patterns and improve their overall well-being. Some common therapeutic approaches include:
1. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT):
CBT helps clients identify and challenge negative thought patterns that contribute to relationship insecurities and fears. By reframing these thoughts in a more positive and realistic manner, clients can develop greater self-awareness and emotional regulation skills. However, since the manifestations of trauma are primarily in the subconscious mind, anxious attachment therapy requires a deeper approach.
2. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT):
EFT focuses on identifying and processing the emotional responses that drive attachment-related behaviors. By exploring the underlying emotions and needs that fuel anxious attachment, clients can develop healthier ways to communicate and build intimacy in their relationships.
3. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy
IFS therapy can help individuals with anxious attachment identify the various “parts” or subpersonalities within them that contribute to their relationship insecurities. By understanding and healing these parts, clients can develop a more integrated and secure sense of self. IFS therapy is a comprehensive approach to anxious attachment therapy that gives people the opportunity to heal their anxious system, nervous system and shift towards secure attachment.
Anxious Attachment through the lens of IFS Therapy
Anxious attachment is a relationship pattern marked by a strong desire for intimacy, accompanied by fears of rejection and abandonment. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a unique and powerful approach to healing anxious attachment by addressing the “parts” within an individual that contribute to these relationship insecurities. This internal focus makes IFS particularly effective for fostering secure attachment from within.
IFS views the mind as a complex system of various parts or subpersonalities that interact and influence one another. In the context of anxious attachment, some key parts may include:
The “anxious” part: This part carries the intense emotions and fears related to abandonment or rejection. It may drive behaviors such as clinginess, neediness, or constant reassurance-seeking.
The “over-analysing” part: This part will over-analyse someone’s messages, interactions in order to find a level of control and safety.
The “inner critic”: This part may internalize negative messages from past relationships and contribute to feelings of low self-worth or inadequacy.
The “angry” part: This part may become angry and hurt when someone pulls away and isn’t consistent.
The “abandoned” part: This part carries memories of physical and emotional abandonment from childhood and limiting beliefs, such as “people will leave me”.
The “neglected” part: This part carries memories of emotional neglect where their feelings were invalidated and dismissed and they carry beliefs such as “nobody loves me”.
The “shame” part: This part carries an emotional wound of shame. When a child doesn’t get sufficient love, affection or attention they will believe something is wrong with them. They will carry beliefs such as “there is something wrong with me” and “I’m a bad person”.
These parts may interact in complex ways, creating a cycle of emotional distress and relationship difficulties.
Anxious attachment therapy such as internal family systems recognizes that anxious attachment is the result of parts that have become fragmented due to inconsistent and unreliable parenting.
Internal family systems therapy helps clients understand and address the various parts involved in their anxious attachment pattern and address internal conflict by integrating parts. By fostering internal connection and understanding, IFS is an effective form of anxious attachment therapy that can promote secure attachment from within.
Anxious attachment therapy: Healing with IFS
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy provides a comprehensive approach to healing anxious attachment by addressing the various “parts” within an individual that contribute to relationship insecurities. This step-by-step process encourages self-compassion, internal connection, and the development of healthier relationship patterns.
Step 1: Connecting to Parts
The first step involves identifying and connecting with the different parts that contribute to anxious attachment. These may include the anxious, inner critic, and protective parts, among others. Clients learn to recognize these parts’ emotions, beliefs, and roles within their internal system.
Step 2: Befriending Parts
Once clients have identified their parts, they are encouraged to develop a compassionate and understanding relationship with them. This process involves:
Active listening: Clients practice listening to their parts’ concerns and emotions without judgment.
Validating emotions: Clients acknowledge and validate the emotions expressed by their parts, fostering self-compassion and empathy.
Developing trust: By consistently engaging with their parts in a non-judgmental manner, clients build trust and create a foundation for further healing.
Step 3: Healing Parts
With a strong foundation of self-compassion and trust, clients can begin to heal their wounded parts. This process involves:
- Witnessing and acknowledging pain: Clients allow their wounded parts to share their pain and experiences.
- Offering support and understanding: The client’s Self (the compassionate and wise aspect of the individual) provides support, understanding, and validation to the wounded parts.
- Releasing emotional burdens: Through this healing process, wounded parts can release emotional burdens and transform into more healthy and functional aspects of the individual’s internal system.
Step 4: Integrating Parts
As wounded parts heal, clients can work towards integrating these parts into their internal system. This integration involves:
- Developing a harmonious internal system: Clients learn to facilitate cooperation and understanding among their various parts, fostering a more cohesive sense of self.
- People learn to integrate new capacities in their anxious system, for example their abandoned part might integrate capacities of groundedness and calmness.
- Building resilience: An integrated internal system can better navigate relationship challenges and maintain emotional stability, promoting secure attachment patterns.
- Establishing healthier relationships: With a more secure attachment style, clients can develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships with others.
Conclusion on anxious attachment therapy
The step-by-step process of healing anxious attachment through Internal Family Systems therapy empowers individuals to develop self-compassion, internal connection, and healthier relationship patterns. By following these steps, clients can transform their wounded parts, build resilience, and cultivate a more secure attachment style for a happier and more fulfilling life. If you resonate with this and would like to explore anxious attachment therapy. You can view my availability here and get in touch.