Anxious Attachment Style: Signs, Causes, Impact + Steps to Heal
Navigating relationships with an anxious attachment style can feel like a rollercoaster of emotions. The desire for a deep emotional connection, paired with a fear of abandonment, often intensifies insecurities as we explore romantic relationships.
I vividly remember the overwhelming anxiety I felt when John’s intentions were unclear, and his inconsistent behavior left me questioning our connection. This relationship triggered my anxious attachment style and made me feel anxious and insecure at an uncertain period in my life.
When we first started dating, I was excited to spend time with him. But then he canceled our third meeting and said that he had a lot of work to do before his holiday and it triggered my feelings of anxiety.
I had a gut feeling that things weren’t right, so I pulled away out of self-preservation, telling myself, “f****this, “I’m not putting myself through this anxiety.”
A week later, he reached out to me, and I foolishly allowed myself to get pulled back in. We met up again, and I started convincing myself that maybe the timing wasn’t right and that staying friends would be better and perhaps later down the line would be better. Perhaps with an anxious attachment style, I had hopes that his consistency and availability would change.
I had to go back to my home country and so we kept in touch. At first, I liked the slow pace of things. I liked our shared sense of humor and I liked that he was intuitive and then I started to develop feelings for him.
When I realised I had another few more weeks to wait for a visa, the sense of uncertainty in my life and coupled with the uncertainty and anxiety in the relationship intensified and I felt my anxious attachment style was at 100.
I was talking to a friend about his lack of consistency and when I got an outside perspective that “this doesn’t look good”, “your messages have more intensity than his”, I then started to feel the lump in my throat, and it started to hit me again that this guy didn’t feel the same way about me.
At that moment, I took a step back and observed my situation from a bird’s eye view. How would I feel if I were sat in front of a friend that radiated anxiety when talking about a guy she was dating? Often, I would intuitively see that this wasn’t the right person for him.
With my anxious attachment style and uncertainty taking center stage, I realized this relationship was causing more harm than good. It was time to take charge and end things.
Shortly after, my feelings of childhood abandonment resurfaced, leaving me feeling like that young girl experiencing disappointment once again. My inner critic questioned whether this cycle would ever end and if I would ever have a healthy, loving relationship.
Despite these doubts, I found an inner strength reminding me that things would be okay. My higher self told me, “You need to let this go, they’re not the secure partner you want,” “Letting this go will free you of this anxiety,” and “Two weeks from now, you won’t be ruminating over this anymore.”
Dating with an anxious attachment style can be quite challenging. Deciding to end a relationship that activated my anxious attachment style was a brave decision, and I’m thankful I didn’t let our connection progress further than three meetings. Although it was a bittersweet choice, it was necessary for my emotional well-being to prioritize my needs and create a healthier, more secure emotional environment for myself.
Overall, the combination of John’s inconsistent behavior, unclear intentions, and my own emotional investment in the face of uncertainty activated my anxious attachment style, which created heightened anxiety and insecurity.
This experience, along with others, has taught me invaluable lessons about recognizing patterns in relationships, understanding my emotional needs, and the importance of setting healthy boundaries. By becoming more aware of my anxious attachment style, I’ve learned to prioritize my well-being and pay closer attention to the consistency, clarity and availability in my relationships.
External factors impact relationship dynamics too
As I reflect back on this experience although, my anxious attachment style may have played a role in amplifying my emotional responses to the situation, making it more challenging for me to feel secure in the relationship, I believe the primary cause of my anxiety and insecurity was more nuanced.
In examining the situation more closely, I think it was a combination of John’s inconsistent behavior, unclear intentions, and the ambiguity of the relationship that contributed significantly to my distress. In fact, these external factors would likely have been distressing for anyone, regardless of their attachment style.
In addition to the external factors related to John’s behavior and the ambiguity of the relationship, the anxiety and uncertainty surrounding my visa situation further exacerbated my emotional distress.
The knowledge that I had two more weeks in London, combined with the unpredictability of when I would be able to return to another country, added an extra layer of complexity and apprehension to an already challenging situation.
This additional uncertainty only heightened my vulnerability and intensified the emotional impact of the relationship issues I was facing. The combination of factors—including John’s inconsistent behavior, the relationship ambiguity, and my visa situation—collectively contributed to the overall stress and insecurity I experienced during that time.
While my anxious attachment style might have influenced my emotional reactions to some degree, it’s important to recognize that the main factors contributing to my anxiety and insecurity were not solely an internal issue related to my attachment style. Rather, they stemmed from the dynamics of the relationship and John’s actions.
So while my anxious attachment style might have influenced my emotional reactions to some degree, the main factors contributing to my anxiety and insecurity were external—John’s actions and the uncertainty of the relationship—rather than solely an internal issue related to my anxious attachment style.
I think this is a good example of understanding the complexity of relationship dynamics when discussing attachment styles and to recognize that external factors can play a significant role in how we experience and navigate our relationships. By understanding and addressing these external factors, we can work towards building healthier and more fulfilling connections.
So going back to the focus of the blog post, I wanted to share what I’ve learned about my anxious attachment style, including the signs, causes, triggers, external factors that can impact us and steps to heal.
Signs of anxious attachment style
If you suspect that you or someone you know may have an anxious attachment style, understanding the common signs can be helpful in identifying and managing this pattern of relating to others.
Fear of abandonment
For those grappling with an anxious attachment style, the fear of abandonment often looms large, casting a shadow over relationships. This anxiety can lead to a never-ending cycle of overthinking and analyzing every interaction, desperate to find reassurance of their partner’s commitment. Even the most innocuous behaviors become potential indicators of the health of the relationship, consuming thoughts and emotions, and ultimately creating a disconnection from the present moment.
Heightened anxiety
As a result, individuals with an anxious attachment style may find themselves overwhelmed by heightened anxiety and insecurity. This uncertainty can manifest as a need for constant validation from their partner, contributing to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and a dependence on external validation. Insecurity may also lead to patterns of clinginess or neediness, as individuals struggle to feel secure without a constant connection.
Overthinking
Overthinking is a common symptom of an anxious attachment style as individuals grapple with a constant stream of worries and doubts about their relationships. This mental turmoil can manifest in various ways, such as analyzing every interaction, replaying past conversations, and anticipating future events. Anxious individuals may scrutinize their partner’s words and actions, searching for hidden meanings or signs of potential rejection or abandonment.
This pattern of overthinking can consume the individual’s thoughts and emotions, leading to a sense of disconnection from the present moment. As a result, anxious individuals may struggle to enjoy their relationships fully, as they become preoccupied with worst-case scenarios and potential threats to their connection.
Strong negative feelings
These challenges can make it difficult to navigate relationships and lead to emotional distress. Over time, this constant state of emotional upheaval can become a burden too heavy to bear, as individuals grapple with regulating intense emotions like anger or despair that arise in response to perceived threats or rejections. It can feel as though being alone is unbearable, leading to a willingness to sacrifice personal needs and wants in order to avoid conflict or disappointment.
In the end, the difficulties associated with an anxious attachment style can create a tumultuous landscape of emotional highs and lows, making it challenging to develop healthy, fulfilling relationships. However, by acknowledging and addressing these issues, individuals can work towards building stronger connections and finding a greater sense of security within their relationships.
Difficulty communicating needs
Individuals with an anxious attachment style often find it challenging to communicate their needs effectively, further exacerbating their insecurities and fear of abandonment. This difficulty can stem from a deep-seated belief that expressing their needs may push their partner away, leading them to suppress their emotions and desires to maintain the relationship.
As a result, anxious individuals may resort to indirect or passive communication, hoping their partner will intuitively understand their needs without having to vocalize them. This can lead to misunderstandings and resentment, as unspoken expectations go unmet and emotional distance grows.
Moreover, the fear of conflict can make it daunting for anxious individuals to assert their boundaries or address concerns within the relationship. Rather than risk causing upset or rejection, they may choose to bottle up their emotions, leading to a build-up of frustration and unhappiness.
Difficulty setting boundaries
For individuals with an anxious attachment style, setting boundaries is crucial in building healthier relationships and healing their fears of abandonment. However, setting boundaries can be particularly challenging due to the deep-rooted fears of rejection and conflict that often accompany an anxious attachment style.
As a result, anxious individuals may struggle to recognize their own needs and establish clear limits within their relationships. Instead, they may prioritize their partner’s needs above their own, leading to feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and emotional distress.
It is essential to recognize that setting boundaries is not about pushing others away or being confrontational. Rather, it is a way of creating a safe and healthy emotional environment where both partners can thrive.
Idealising partners
Individuals with an anxious attachment style may have a tendency to idealize partners, particularly when they exhibit even the slightest amount of care or kindness. In these cases, anxious individuals may latch onto these gestures, exaggerating their significance and using them as evidence that the partner is perfect or infallible. This pattern can be driven by a deep-seated fear of abandonment, leading anxious individuals to cling to any sign of connection or emotional validation.
Unfortunately, this tendency to idealize partners based on minimal gestures can create an imbalanced relationship dynamic. Anxious individuals may overlook potential red flags or areas of incompatibility, focusing instead on the idealized version of their partner. This one-sided perspective can also lead to an over-dependence on the partner for emotional support and validation, further exacerbating the insecurities and fears associated with an anxious attachment style.
Causes of an anxious attachment style
Inconsistent caregiving is commonly identified as a primary cause of anxious ambivalent attachment. Children raised in an environment where caregivers vacillate between being nurturing and responsive and being dismissive or unresponsive often develop an insecure attachment style.
A child in this situation may cry out for affection and receive immediate comfort from their caregiver on some occasions, while at other times, their cries are ignored or dismissed. This unpredictability creates a sense of confusion and anxiety in the child, fostering an ambivalent attachment pattern.
Consequently, the child may feel conflicted about how their emotional needs will be addressed by the caregiver. When the caregiver provides attentive care, the child experiences a sense of security and contentment. However, when their needs are disregarded, the child may become clingy and desperate for affection, while simultaneously doubting their caregiver’s ability to offer consistent emotional support.
The long-term effects of such inconsistent caregiving can lead to a persistent sense of insecurity and anxiety in the child as they grow older. Struggling to reconcile the conflicting experiences of having their emotional needs sometimes met with love and attention, and other times dismissed or ignored, these children may develop a pattern of clinginess and anxiety in their relationships, constantly seeking reassurance and validation.
Anxious attachment style triggers
Individuals with an anxious attachment style often grapple with emotional sensitivities, as particular events or behaviors activate their deep-seated fears of abandonment and rejection. Identifying these triggers is essential for managing an anxious attachment style, as it enables individuals to develop coping strategies and nurture healthier relationships.
Inconsistency
Inconsistency in a partner’s behavior or communication can be a significant trigger for anxious individuals. Unpredictable actions or mixed signals can exacerbate fears of instability and abandonment, heightening attachment anxiety.
Unavailability
When a partner is physically or emotionally unavailable, it can provoke feelings of insecurity and anxiety for those with an anxious attachment style. This perceived unavailability may be interpreted as a sign of potential abandonment, intensifying fears and insecurities.
When a Partner Pulls Away
As individuals with an anxious attachment style crave closeness and intimacy, any indication that their partner is pulling away can trigger emotional distress. When a partner becomes distant or disengaged, anxious individuals may fear the worst and struggle to cope with the uncertainty.
Lack of Emotional Validation
Anxious individuals often require reassurance and validation from their partners. When their emotional needs are not met, it can trigger feelings of inadequacy or abandonment, reinforcing their insecurities and fears.
Recognizing these common triggers is an important step in managing an anxious attachment style and fostering more secure relationships. By understanding the emotional sensitivities that exacerbate their fears and insecurities, individuals can develop strategies to cope with distress and build healthier connections based on trust, understanding, and open communication.
Steps to heal
Healing an anxious attachment style is a transformative journey that requires commitment and perseverance. By focusing on self-growth and building an earned secure attachment style, individuals can overcome their fears and insecurities to create healthier and more stable relationships. This comprehensive guide explores the key steps to healing an anxious attachment style without therapy, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness, self-care, and cultivating an earned secure attachment style.
Cultivate Self-Awareness
Begin your healing journey by deepening your understanding of the anxious attachment style and its characteristics. Recognize your emotional patterns, triggers, and fears to identify when your attachment anxiety is being activated. Reflect on past relationships to understand how your attachment style has influenced your experiences and explore the origins of your fears and insecurities.
Foster Self-Compassion and Self-Care
Practice self-compassion by acknowledging and accepting your emotional needs without judgment. Develop a self-care routine to nurture your mental well-being, engaging in activities that promote relaxation, such as yoga, meditation, or journaling. Focus on creating a balanced lifestyle that supports your emotional growth, and prioritize your own needs and values.
Challenge Negative Beliefs and Build Self-Esteem
To develop an earned secure attachment style, challenge your negative beliefs about yourself and relationships. Replace self-doubt and insecurity with more balanced, positive affirmations. By becoming a reliable source of support and validation for yourself, you can create a secure base that fosters resilience and autonomy.
Identify and Set Healthy Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is essential for building an earned secure attachment style. Identify your emotional, physical, and psychological limits, and communicate them clearly to your partner. Practice assertiveness in expressing your needs and expectations, and learn to say “no” when necessary to protect your well-being.
Seek Secure Partners and Build Trust
Choose partners who exhibit secure attachment characteristics, such as emotional availability, consistency, and effective communication. Build trust with your partner by engaging in vulnerable and authentic conversations, sharing your fears and expectations, and learning to rely on one another for support.
Practice Open and Effective Communication
Develop your communication skills by actively listening to your partner, expressing your needs and feelings honestly, and discussing your expectations. Learn to navigate conflicts effectively and avoid destructive patterns, such as criticism or defensiveness. Open and honest communication can help prevent misunderstandings and strengthen your bond with your partner.
Heal anxious attachment style for good
While traditional self-help tools such as journaling, affirmations, and workbooks can provide valuable insights into attachment theory, they often fall short in producing lasting change for those with an anxious attachment style. This limitation stems from the fact that attachment trauma primarily manifests on a subconscious level, necessitating a more profound approach to address its core.
To genuinely overcome an anxious attachment style, it is crucial to employ a subconscious-focused strategy that cultivates inner stability and resilience. By targeting the root of attachment trauma and fostering a secure, self-assured foundation, individuals can experience transformative growth and forge healthier relationships that stand the test of time.
Our Heal Insecure Attachment course leads participants through the process of befriending anxiety and healing their inner child, enabling the release of stored emotional energy and promoting a profound sense of security from within.
This comprehensive course features over 6 hours of video content and therapeutic meditations, offering practical tools to explore subconscious patterns and facilitate their integration. By embracing this somatic and emotion-focused approach, participants can address the root causes of anxious attachment style, paving the way for secure relationships and a more balanced, fulfilling life.
Enroll in our Heal Insecure Attachment course to embark on a journey of self-discovery, inner healing, and personal growth. By tackling the core issues contributing to anxious attachment, individuals can develop a secure internal attachment style that lays the foundation for healthier relationships and overall well-being.
Therapy
If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.