The Rollercoaster of Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style: Signs & Becoming Secure
I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, longing for a deep and intimate connection. However, I found myself constantly trapped in a cycle of intense emotional lows, constantly feeling anxiety and emotional distress in relationships.
After years of self-discovery and research, I learned that I had an anxious preoccupied attachment style, and understanding this has been a crucial step towards personal growth and healthier connections.
Living with anxious preoccupied attachment can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. On one hand, we crave closeness and intimacy, but on the other, we struggle with insecurity and a fear of rejection or abandonment. We might also have insecurities that we’re too much, even when we’ve put an enormous amount of time, money and energy into healing anxious attachment.
Let’s say we do the work to heal our inner child and we release the emotional energy of anxiety in our body and we feel calmer and more grounded…this makes a huge difference to our emotional wellbeing.
Despite this, it’s likely that there will always be an anxious part of us that fears that we’re too much or worries others may not be able to meet us emotionally.
That’s the honest truth with having an anxious preoccupied attachment style. It’s likely that there will always be a part of us that feels anxious and that’s ok.
It’s about honoring our anxiety and using it to inform us of our core needs, boundaries and values and Ideal Relationship Blueprint, so that we can qualify for partners who bring emotional harmony rather than emotional disharmony.
It’s about finding emotionally safe partners who make our inner child feel safe, are attuned to our needs and are able to reconcile and resolve conflict. This helps us to bounce back from our anxious tendencies and support us to feel safe again.
This combination of qualifying for partners with my Ideal Relationship Pathway course (coming soon), healing our inner child and learning secure ways of relating can help us to overcome our anxious preoccupied attachment style, move towards secure attachment and create relationships that feel safe and supportive.
My experiences have taught me that recognising the signs of anxious preoccupied attachment is the first step towards healing and creating more secure relationships.
By exploring our attachment style and understanding the signs, we can break free from emotional volatility and build a strong foundation for lasting, fulfilling connections.
In this blog post, I’ll delve into the key characteristics of an anxious preoccupied attachment style, discuss its impact on personal relationships, and share valuable coping strategies that have helped me manage my emotions and foster healthier connections.
Together, we can navigate the complexities of anxious preoccupied attachment style and work towards a more secure, balanced, and loving future.
Constant need for reassurance
One key characteristic of the anxious preoccupied attachment style is the persistent need for reassurance from one’s partner. This need stems from deep-seated insecurities and fears of abandonment, making it difficult for individuals with this attachment style to feel secure in their relationships. As a result, they may seek constant validation in various aspects of their daily lives.
For instance, someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style may frequently ask their partner for affirmation of their love and commitment, even in the absence of any obvious relationship issues. They might request repeated verbal confirmations, such as “Do you still love me?” or “Are you sure we’re okay?” Additionally, they might over-analyse text messages, fretting over the tone, response time, or the absence of emojis, and seek reassurance about the intentions behind these messages or turn to the internet for reassurance. These everyday examples demonstrate the ongoing struggle for individuals with anxious preoccupied attachment to find emotional security in their relationships.
Difficulty with boundaries
People with anxious preoccupied attachment style often struggle to establish and maintain healthy personal boundaries in their relationships. Their fear of rejection or abandonment leads them to prioritize their partner’s needs and desires over their own, often at the expense of their well-being. This challenge manifests in various aspects of daily life.
For example, someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style may consistently forgo their personal plans or interests to accommodate their partner’s preferences. They might agree to watch a movie they dislike, attend social events they’re uncomfortable with, or even make significant life decisions based on their partner’s desires, neglecting their own needs and values.
They may find it difficult to say “no” to requests or demands from their partner, leading to feelings of resentment or a loss of identity. These everyday examples highlight the importance of addressing boundary issues to foster healthier, more balanced relationships.
Oversharing
People with an anxious preoccupied attachment style may often engage in oversharing, a behavior that stems from their desire for closeness and intimacy. In their quest to form deep connections with others, they might reveal personal information or emotions too quickly, potentially creating awkward situations or crossing boundaries.
In everyday interactions, this could manifest as sharing deeply personal stories or experiences with someone they have just met, or perhaps discussing intimate details of their current relationship with friends or acquaintances. Furthermore, they might feel compelled to share their feelings, thoughts, and concerns with their partners excessively, overwhelming their partner and potentially straining the relationship. This oversharing can result from their need for validation and a sense of security, but it may unintentionally push others away or create an unhealthy dynamic.
Settling for breadcrumbs
One of the challenges individuals with anxious preoccupied attachment often face is settling for “breadcrumbs” in their relationships. In this context, breadcrumbs refer to minimal efforts, inconsistent communication, or emotional unavailability from their partners. Due to their fear of abandonment and desire for connection, they might accept these small gestures as a sign of love or commitment, despite not receiving the emotional support and affection they truly crave.
In everyday life, this may manifest as accepting infrequent or low-effort communication from their partner, such as sporadic text messages or canceled dates. They might also cling to ambiguous or noncommittal statements, interpreting them as signs of interest or affection. Over time, this pattern can lead to feelings of frustration, insecurity, and resentment, as they realize their emotional needs are not being adequately met. Recognizing and addressing this tendency to settle for breadcrumbs is crucial for fostering healthier, more satisfying relationships.
Sensitivity to rejection
People with an anxious preoccupied attachment style often experience heightened sensitivity to rejection, causing them to perceive even minor changes in their partner’s behavior or communication as signs of abandonment. This sensitivity can lead to emotional volatility, anxiety, and relationship challenges.
In daily interactions, this heightened sensitivity may manifest as feeling hurt or suspicious when their partner doesn’t respond to a text message immediately, is late for a date, or seems distracted during a conversation. They might also interpret innocent remarks as criticisms or personal attacks, leading to defensiveness or emotional outbursts. This constant fear of rejection can strain the relationship, as they struggle to trust their partner’s commitment and intentions. Recognising and managing this sensitivity is essential for developing healthier, more secure connections.
Idealising relationships
People with an anxious preoccupied attachment often idealise their relationships, creating an unrealistic expectation of perfection and unwavering connection. This idealization can lead to disappointment, disillusionment, and a sense of failure when their relationships don’t live up to these standards.
In daily life, this tendency to idealize relationships may manifest as placing their partner on a pedestal, overlooking flaws or red flags, and expecting constant closeness and understanding. They might also romanticize past relationships, believing them to have been “perfect” and holding current partners to impossible standards.
As a result, they may feel let down or hurt when their partners inevitably fall short of these expectations. Recognizing this pattern of idealization is key to developing more realistic expectations and fostering healthier, more sustainable relationships.
Emotionally unavailable partners
A common pattern observed in people with an anxious preoccupied attachment style is their tendency to be attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. This attraction stems from a subconscious belief that they can “fix” their partner or earn their affection through unwavering devotion. Unfortunately, this dynamic often leads to frustration, disappointment, and unfulfilled emotional needs.
In daily life, this attraction might manifest as a pattern of falling for partners who are distant, evasive, or commitment-phobic. These partners may be unable or unwilling to provide the level of emotional intimacy and support that the individual with anxious preoccupied attachment desires.
Despite this, they may continue to pursue these partners, hoping to change them or prove their worthiness of love. Recognising this pattern and its negative consequences is an essential step towards forming healthier, more supportive relationships.
How to change your attachment style?
If you’re experiencing fear, panic, or worry when someone pulls away, you’re not alone. It’s common for those with anxious attachment to feel triggered by minor changes in communication or take things personally. Many individuals with this attachment style struggle to create secure relationships, often settling for less than they deserve. However, the good news is that we can change our attachment style and move towards secure attachment.
A holistic and thorough approach to fostering secure attachment involves focusing on three essential components: finding inner safety, learning secure ways of relating, and choosing secure and compatible partners. By prioritizing these elements, you can achieve personal growth, heal anxious attachment, and develop stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
To support you on this journey, our comprehensive course, Heal Insecure Attachment, guides you through the process of befriending your anxiety and healing your inner child. With over 6 hours of video content and healing meditations, you’ll gain the tools you need to delve into your subconscious patterns and integrate them. By addressing the emotional energy stored in your nervous system, this can help you to cultivate inner security, release anxiety and learn secure ways of relating.
Enroll in Heal Insecure Attachment today to take the first step towards lasting healing and forming secure, supportive connections that will enrich your life and bring you the love and security you deserve.
How IFS Therapy Can Support Healing Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can be a powerful tool for anyone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style. At its core, IFS helps you understand that the anxiety, fear of rejection, and emotional intensity you experience in relationships are often driven by different “parts” of yourself. Some parts may feel needy, insecure, or desperate for reassurance, while others may act as protectors, trying to keep you safe from emotional pain. These parts are not flaws—they are simply doing their best to protect you—but they can create patterns that feel overwhelming or unmanageable in relationships.
IFS therapy provides a structured way to connect with these parts from a place of calm, compassionate Self. By learning to identify and listen to each part, you can uncover the core needs and fears driving your anxious attachment. For example, your inner child may carry deep fears of abandonment, while another part may act as a critic, pushing you to seek constant validation. IFS allows these parts to be acknowledged, understood, and supported, rather than ignored or suppressed.
Through IFS, many people with anxious preoccupied attachment begin to notice significant shifts in their relationships and emotional wellbeing. They often report feeling more grounded, less reactive, and more able to set healthy boundaries. Emotional triggers, like fear of rejection or need for constant reassurance, become easier to manage as the protective parts feel seen and understood. Over time, clients can develop a stronger, calmer sense of self, which supports the ability to connect with partners in secure and balanced ways.
If this resonates with you and you’d like to explore IFS therapy visit my home page to view availability and take the first step toward healing and developing more secure, fulfilling connections.