Abusive relationships

  • Codependency, Abusive relationships

    Fawn Response to Narcissistic Abuse in Relationships: Understanding, Healing, and Reclaiming Yourself

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    Fawn Response to Narcissistic Abuse in Relationships: Understanding, Healing, and Reclaiming Yourself

    Living with a narcissist can leave you feeling emotionally drained, invisible, or constantly on edge. If you find yourself over-accommodating, apologizing excessively, or suppressing your own needs just to maintain peace, you may be experiencing the fawn response. Understanding the fawn response to narcissistic abuse in relationships is essential to breaking cycles of self-neglect, reclaiming your voice, and beginning the journey toward authentic self-expression.

    When you’ve been operating in fawn mode for years, it’s common to hold yourself to impossible standards. You might feel responsible for everyone else’s feelings, believe you must prevent conflict at all costs, or think you need to anticipate every need before it arises. The reality is that you cannot control the choices, behaviors, or emotional responses of others. You also cannot always manage the consequences of their actions. Learning to tolerate other people’s discomfort, especially if expressing your own emotions was unsafe in childhood, is a critical step in healing.

    Many people who fawn over narcissists learned to surrender their boundaries and suppress assertiveness as a survival strategy. Over-accommodating, appeasing, and submitting helped you feel some sense of safety or control in unsafe environments. While this helped you survive as a child, it can leave adults feeling disconnected from their own needs and voices, especially in emotionally manipulative or abusive relationships.

    Losing Touch With Yourself Through Fawning

    Fawning is a form of extreme people-pleasing that disconnects you from your own emotions and needs. Often, as a child, you weren’t allowed to express anger, sadness, or fear. Now, you may struggle to even identify what you feel. Paradoxically, you might be highly attuned to the emotions of others, instinctively sensing moods, needs, and expectations in the room.

    When you fawn over a narcissist, you may hope that accommodating them will earn love, approval, or kindness. In reality, this rarely occurs. Instead, you consistently prioritize the narcissist’s needs above your own. Over time, this pattern erodes your sense of self and you lose track of what you want, what feels safe, and what you need to thrive. Reconnecting with yourself is essential for breaking the fawn response to narcissistic abuse in relationships.

    Connecting to Your Anger

    One of the most important steps in healing is recognizing emotions that have been buried. If fawning is your primary trauma response, anger and frustration may feel hidden or even forbidden. Many people who fawn bury these emotions to avoid conflict or protect themselves.

    Anger is a natural, valid response to mistreatment. When it is turned inward, it can manifest as depression, self-blame, or low self-esteem. Exploring who or what you are frustrated with—whether the narcissist, past experiences, or even yourself—can help you reclaim your power. Learning to express anger safely and constructively is a key part of therapy and an important tool for breaking free from fawning patterns.

    Pursuing Your Own Interests

    Fawning often creates an identity based on being likable or constantly caring for others. Reclaiming a sense of self means prioritizing your own passions, goals, and hobbies. This may feel unfamiliar if you’ve spent years focusing on others’ needs and approval.

    Start small: write down personal goals, explore hobbies that excite you, or dedicate time to self-care. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment reinforces that your worth is independent of the approval of others. Over time, pursuing your own interests strengthens self-approval, reduces fawning behaviors, and reconnects you with your authentic self.

    Setting Boundaries

    A key feature of the fawn response is surrendering boundaries. Learning to assert yourself is crucial for reclaiming your autonomy. Boundaries don’t have to be confrontational—they can be as simple as disengaging from conflict, grey rocking, or calmly removing yourself from harmful situations. A neutral phrase like, “I hear you, but I need to step away,” protects your energy while reinforcing autonomy.

    It’s also important to remember that asserting boundaries is a skill, often not developed in childhood for those who grew up in emotionally unsafe environments. Be patient with yourself. Each small step of setting a boundary strengthens your internal sense of safety and reduces the automatic compulsion to fawn.

    Codependency and Emotional Self-Harm

    The fawn response is closely connected to codependent patterns. Codependency involves prioritizing the needs of others over your own, seeking constant approval, and feeling responsible for someone else’s emotions or happiness. Staying in a push-pull, unpredictable relationship—where love and warmth are mixed with withdrawal, criticism, or manipulation—can function as a form of self-harm.

    You may give empathy, care, and attention repeatedly, only to be met with mistreatment or gaslighting. This dynamic erodes your sense of self and reinforces trauma patterns. Recognizing this as a survival strategy rather than a personal flaw allows for a more compassionate approach to healing.

    Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonds

    Part of what makes the fawn response so difficult to break in narcissistic relationships is intermittent reinforcement. Narcissistic partners often fluctuate between warmth, appreciation, or affection and coldness, withdrawal, or gaslighting. This unpredictability creates trauma bonds, keeping you emotionally hooked and hoping for the “good” moments.

    When narcissists cannot manage their own emotions or take accountability, they may offer weak apologies or deny their behavior. For someone conditioned to fawn, this inconsistency reinforces hope that the relationship will improve. Understanding this with compassion helps you see that fawning and codependent patterns were survival strategies, not personal failings.

    Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the Fawn Response

    Internal Family Systems provides a framework to work compassionately with the fawn response. IFS recognizes that the mind is composed of multiple parts, each with its own feelings, beliefs, and strategies. Protective parts often drive fawning behaviors, while vulnerable parts carry shame, fear, or unmet emotional needs.

    Through IFS, you can:

    • Identify the parts that compel you to people-please
    • Understand the fears motivating protective behaviors
    • Connect with vulnerable parts carrying past trauma
    • Strengthen the Self, the grounded, compassionate inner leader who can guide your parts toward safety and healing

    Viewing fawning through an IFS lens reframes it as a protective strategy that we learned to protect us from harm rather than a personal flaw, creates compassion and healing.

    IFS Steps: Befriend, Heal, Integrate

    Healing the fawn response using IFS can be understood in three steps: befriend, heal, and integrate.

    Befriend Your Parts

    The first step is befriending the parts of yourself involved in fawning. Protective parts are trying to keep you safe, while vulnerable parts carry old wounds. Approaching these parts with curiosity and kindness helps reduce internal conflict and prepares them for healing. You might internally say:

    • “I see you, and I understand you’re trying to protect me.”
    • “Thank you for keeping me safe, even if your methods are causing challenges now.”

    Heal the Wounds

    Once you’ve befriended your parts, the next step is healing the trauma or unmet needs they carry. Vulnerable parts may hold memories of childhood neglect, criticism, or unsafe environments. Healing involves:

    • Listening to these parts and acknowledging their experiences
    • Validating their feelings and needs
    • Offering reassurance, care, and support from the Self

    For example, a part that feels invisible may need repeated reassurance that it is safe to express its feelings and that its needs are valid. Protective parts can also be reassured that boundaries and self-expression will not put you in danger.

    Integrate Your Parts

    Integration means bringing your parts into a harmonious relationship with the Self. Protective parts no longer need to compel fawning, vulnerable parts feel seen and supported, and the Self leads interactions and decision-making. Integration allows you to respond consciously to situations rather than reacting automatically out of survival instinct.

    Practical ways to integrate include observing triggers, dialoguing with your parts in a journal, offering reassurance from the Self, and practicing self-expression in daily life.

    Reclaiming Your Voice and Autonomy

    Healing the fawn response involves reconnecting with yourself and taking small, practical steps:

    • Notice your feelings, particularly anger and frustration
    • Express your needs and assert boundaries
    • Engage in hobbies, passions, and personal goals
    • Use affirmations like, “My feelings matter,” and, “It’s safe to honor my needs”

    Over time, these practices reduce automatic fawning, weaken trauma bonds, and help you reconnect with your authentic self.

    Taking the first step in healing

    If you recognize the fawn response to narcissistic abuse in relationships and want guidance in reclaiming your voice, autonomy, and emotional safety, support is available. Working with a trained IFS practitioner can help you:

    • Befriend protective and vulnerable parts
    • Heal childhood wounds driving fawning
    • Integrate your parts under the guidance of the Self
    • Build self-compassion, assertiveness, and healthy boundaries

    You deserve relationships where your needs are respected, and your voice is heard. If you’re ready to step into your authentic self and begin this healing journey, book a consultation today.

  • IFS Therapy, Abusive relationships

    How to Heal From Narcissistic Abuse With IFS Therapy

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    How to Heal From Narcissistic Abuse With IFS Therapy

    how to heal from narcissistic abuse ifs therapy inner child work

    Learning how to heal from narcissistic abuse is not about simply moving on from a difficult relationship. It is about repairing the deep internal injuries caused by prolonged emotional manipulation, control, and the erosion of self-trust. Many people leave narcissistic relationships feeling confused, exhausted, and disconnected from who they once were. Even after the relationship ends, the impact often remains in the nervous system, the body, and the way we relate to ourselves and others.

    Narcissistic abuse is particularly destabilising because it slowly trains you to doubt your reality. You may know something felt wrong, yet still question your perceptions. You may miss the person while also knowing the relationship was harmful. Healing is rarely linear, and it requires far more than logic or willpower.

    To understand how to heal from narcissistic abuse, we must first understand what it is, how it affects us, and why compassion rather than self-criticism is essential for recovery.

    What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

    Narcissistic abuse is a pattern of emotional and psychological harm that occurs in relationships where one person consistently prioritises their own needs, image, and emotional regulation at the expense of the other. This does not require a formal diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. What matters is the pattern and its impact.

    These relationships are often characterised by:

    • Idealisation followed by devaluation
    • Emotional manipulation and control
    • Gaslighting and denial of reality
    • Lack of accountability
    • Exploitation of empathy
    • Conditional affection
    • Punishment through withdrawal, silence, or rage

    In the early stages, the relationship may feel intense, intoxicating, or deeply meaningful. You may feel chosen, special, or uniquely understood. Over time, however, warmth is replaced with criticism, unpredictability, and emotional withdrawal. You may find yourself working harder to regain closeness or approval, while slowly losing yourself.

    Understanding how to heal from narcissistic abuse begins with recognising that this was not a failure of love or effort on your part. It was a relational dynamic rooted in control.

    Controlling Behaviour and Boundary Violations

    A defining feature of narcissistic abuse is control, often expressed through repeated boundary violations. These behaviours may be subtle or overt, but their impact is profound.

    Controlling behaviours often include:

    • Not respecting your boundaries or reacting with anger when you set them
    • Monitoring your time, behaviour, or relationships
    • Guilt-tripping you for needing space, rest, or independence
    • Emotional withdrawal or punishment when you assert yourself
    • Reframing your boundaries as selfish, unnecessary, or cruel

    Over time, your nervous system learns that self-protection is unsafe. You may stop expressing needs, anticipate reactions, or minimise yourself to keep the peace. This ongoing loss of autonomy is deeply destabilising and plays a major role in why it is so hard to heal from narcissistic abuse.

    Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

    Narcissistic abuse is often difficult to recognise while you are in it. Many people only see the pattern clearly in hindsight. Common signs include:

    • Chronic self-doubt and second-guessing yourself
    • Feeling like you are walking on eggshells
    • Emotional invalidation or dismissal of your feelings
    • Shifting blame, where you are always at fault
    • Conditional love and approval
    • Loss of identity and shrinking of your world
    • Persistent guilt and over-responsibility

    Recognising these signs is an important step in learning how to heal from narcissistic abuse, because clarity reduces self-blame.

    The Cost of Narcissistic Abuse

    The cost of narcissistic abuse extends far beyond the relationship itself. It affects emotional health, physical wellbeing, and identity.

    Many survivors experience:

    • Chronic anxiety or hypervigilance
    • Emotional exhaustion and burnout
    • Difficulty sleeping or concentrating
    • Loss of confidence and self-trust
    • Shame and internalised self-criticism
    • Isolation from friends, family, or passions
    • A body that feels tense, numb, or unsafe

    Perhaps the greatest cost is self-abandonment. Over time, you may learn to override your intuition and tolerate what once felt unacceptable. This internal fracture often persists long after the relationship ends.

    To truly understand how to heal from narcissistic abuse, we must address both the relational bati and the internal adaptations that developed to survive it.

    Why We Adapt to Narcissistic Abuse

    Many people who experience narcissistic abuse are deeply empathetic, caring, and emotionally intelligent. These qualities are often exploited in abusive dynamics. From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, the parts of you that stayed, adapted, or over-functioned were not weak they were protective.

    Often, these adaptations formed much earlier in life. As children, many people learned to survive emotional unpredictability by:

    • People-pleasing to maintain connection
    • Abandoning boundaries to avoid rejection
    • Carrying guilt for having needs
    • Becoming hyper-attuned to others’ emotions
    • Taking responsibility for adults’ feelings

    If autonomy and boundaries were not respected growing up, your nervous system may have learned that love requires self-sacrifice. Narcissistic relationships then feel familiar, even if they are deeply painful.

    Understanding how to heal from narcissistic abuse means meeting these adaptations with compassion rather than judgment.

    Trauma Bonding and Narcissistic Abuse

    Another reason healing is difficult is trauma bonding. Trauma bonds form through cycles of harm followed by moments of relief, affection, or reassurance. The nervous system becomes conditioned to seek closeness as a way to escape distress.

    This can create intense longing even after the relationship ends. Missing the person does not mean the relationship was healthy. It means your system learned to associate connection with survival.

    Recognising trauma bonding is a crucial part of learning how to heal from narcissistic abuse without shaming yourself.

    Why Self-Criticism Does Not Heal

    Many survivors try to heal by being hard on themselves. They criticise themselves for staying too long, not seeing the signs, or returning to the relationship. But self-criticism mirrors the abuse.

    The parts of you that stayed were trying to survive. They learned that maintaining connection was safer than risking abandonment.

    Healing does not come from attacking these parts. It comes from compassion.

    This is a foundational principle in understanding how to heal from narcissistic abuse in a sustainable way.

    Why Narcissistic Relationships Can Repeat Without Healing

    One of the most painful realities for many survivors is that leaving a narcissistic relationship does not always mean the pattern ends. Without conscious healing, it is common to find oneself in another relationship that feels disturbingly similar – different person, same dynamic.

    This does not happen because you are drawn to harm. It happens because unhealed parts of us are still operating from survival.

    When we have adapted to emotional unpredictability earlier in life, our nervous system can mistake familiarity for safety. Parts of us may be drawn to intensity, emotional unavailability, or control because those dynamics feel known. Calm, consistent relationships may initially feel boring, unfamiliar, or even unsafe.

    If the parts of us that learned to people-please, abandon boundaries, carry guilt, or regulate others’ emotions remain unhealed, they will continue to seek relationships where those roles are required. In this way, the relationship pattern is not the problem, it is the internal system still trying to survive.

    This is why learning how to heal from narcissistic abuse cannot stop at leaving the relationship. Without addressing the internal adaptations that formed in response to chaos, the same relational wounds are likely to be reactivated again.

    IFS therapy helps interrupt this cycle by bringing compassion and awareness to the parts that learned to tolerate control, minimise needs, or equate love with self-sacrifice. As these parts heal and unburden, attraction begins to change. What once felt magnetic may begin to feel unsettling. What once felt unfamiliar such as, steadiness, respect, emotional availability, starts to feel safe.

    True healing means that you no longer have to rely on vigilance, self-abandonment, or over-functioning to maintain connection. Relationships become a choice rather than a compulsion.

    When the internal system changes, the external patterns follow. This is one of the most profound outcomes of learning how to heal from narcissistic abuse at its root.

    How IFS Therapy Helps Heal From Narcissistic Abuse

    Internal Family Systems therapy offers a powerful framework for healing because it focuses on understanding the internal system rather than forcing change. Instead of asking, “What is wrong with me?” IFS asks, “What happened to me, and what parts of me adapted to survive?”

    IFS therapy helps you develop compassion for the parts of you that adapted to chaos:

    • People-pleasing parts that avoided conflict
    • Boundary-abandoning parts that feared abandonment
    • Guilt-carrying parts that felt responsible for others
    • Hypervigilant parts that scanned for danger

    These parts are not the problem. They are the reason you survived.

    Stages of Healing With IFS Therapy

    Stage 1: Identifying Protective Parts

    The first stage involves recognising the parts that drove survival behaviours. Rather than judging them, IFS invites curiosity. What were they protecting you from? What did they believe would happen if they stopped?

    This shift is essential to learning how to heal from narcissistic abuse without self-blame.

    Stage 2: Building Self-Leadership

    Healing happens from the Self – the calm, compassionate, grounded presence within you. As Self-energy grows, you can relate to parts without being overwhelmed by them. Guilt and fear no longer run your choices.

    Stage 3: Healing the Exiled Parts

    At the core are younger parts carrying unmet needs, grief, or fear. With safety and support, these parts receive validation, protection, and care. As they heal, extreme survival strategies are no longer needed.

    Stage 4: Integration and Autonomy

    Protective parts transform rather than disappear. Boundaries become natural. Guilt loosens. Autonomy returns. You begin choosing relationships rather than being driven by fear or obligation.

    This is where many people truly experience how to heal from narcissistic abuse — not by hardening, but by becoming internally aligned.

    Life After Narcissistic Abuse

    As healing progresses, many people notice:

    • Greater emotional calm
    • Clearer boundaries
    • Reduced anxiety
    • Stronger self-trust
    • Reconnection with passions and friendships
    • Relationships that feel mutual and steady

    Chaos no longer feels like chemistry. Control no longer feels like love. Understanding how to heal from narcissistic abuse means reclaiming your voice, your body, and your sense of self.

    Conclusion

    Narcissistic abuse leaves deep internal imprints, but healing is possible. Learning how to heal from narcissistic abuse is not about forgetting what happened or becoming emotionally detached. It is about restoring safety, autonomy, and compassion for the parts of you that endured, so you can let go of parts of you stuck in the past and strengthen your wise, resilient, adult self.

    What you experienced was real. Your reactions make sense. And with time, support, and care, it is possible to move forward into a life and relationships rooted in respect, steadiness, and genuine connection.

    If this resonates and you would like support, visit my home page to get in touch.

  • Codependency, Abusive relationships, IFS Therapy

    How to Detach From a Trauma Bond With Compassion and IFS Therapy

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    how to detach from a trauma bond inner child work ifs therapy

    How to Detach From a Trauma Bond

    Detaching from a trauma bond is one of the most misunderstood and self-judged experiences people go through. Many individuals blame themselves for staying too long, going back, or struggling to let go, even when the relationship caused deep emotional harm. But being critical and hard on yourself does not help you detach. In fact, self-judgment often strengthens the trauma bond.

    Learning how to detach from a trauma bond does not begin with discipline or willpower. It begins with compassion. Specifically, compassion for the parts of you that stayed, hoped, adapted, and survived in an environment where love and safety felt unpredictable.

    Detachment is not about becoming emotionally cold or cutting off your feelings. It is about bringing understanding, safety, and presence to parts of you that are still living in the past and helping them return to the present moment.

    Why Self-Criticism Keeps Trauma Bonds Alive

    Many people try to detach from a trauma bond by being harsh with themselves. They tell themselves they should know better, be stronger, or move on faster. They judge their longing, their grief, and their continued emotional attachment.

    But self-criticism activates the nervous system in the same way the trauma bond does. It creates threat, shame, and internal pressure. When you criticise yourself, parts of you feel unsafe, and unsafe parts cling harder to familiar attachment, even if it is painful.

    Understanding how to detach from a trauma bond means recognising that judgment does not create change. Safety does.

    The Parts of You That Stayed Were Trying to Survive

    It is essential to understand that the parts of you that stayed in a trauma-bonded relationship are not weak or broken. They are adaptive parts that developed in response to earlier environments, often in childhood.

    Many people who experience trauma bonds grew up in settings where emotional safety was inconsistent. Love may have come with chaos, unpredictability, or emotional responsibility. As children, they learned to adapt.

    These adaptations often included:

    • People-pleasing
    • Caretaking
    • Hyper-empathy
    • Monitoring others’ moods
    • Abandoning their own needs
    • Tolerating emotional instability to preserve connection

    These strategies were not choices. They were survival responses.

    Learning how to detach from a trauma bond requires compassion for these parts, not rejection of them.

    Codependency and Learning to Adapt to Chaos

    Codependency is often misunderstood as weakness or lack of boundaries. In reality, it is a learned response to relational environments where connection required self-sacrifice.

    If, growing up, love depended on managing someone else’s emotions, staying quiet, being helpful, or not causing disruption, your nervous system learned that safety came from adapting to chaos.

    Later in life, trauma-bonded relationships can feel strangely familiar. The unpredictability, intensity, and emotional responsibility mirror early attachment patterns. This is why detachment can feel so threatening, even when the relationship is harmful.

    Understanding how to detach from a trauma bond involves recognising that familiarity is not the same as safety.

    Anxious Attachment and the Trauma Bond

    Anxious attachment often deepens trauma bonds and makes letting go feel especially difficult. When attachment needs were inconsistently met, the nervous system learned to stay alert to connection and rejection.

    From a parts-based perspective, several internal parts may be activated.

    The Attachment / Anxious Part

    This part asks:

    • Am I still important?
    • Do I matter?
    • Am I being thought about?

    This part developed when connection felt unstable earlier in life. It checks for signs of closeness to regulate anxiety. It seeks reassurance, contact, and emotional availability.

    This part is not needy or weak. It is protective. It learned that staying connected was necessary for survival.

    When trying to understand how to detach from a trauma bond, it is important to approach this part with compassion rather than force.

    The Safety-Scanning Part

    This part asks:

    • Is there danger?
    • Is something bad about to happen?
    • Do I need to prepare?

    In relationships marked by hot-and-cold behaviour, jealousy, or emotional volatility, this part learned to stay vigilant. It monitors tone, behaviour, and shifts in connection to anticipate threat.

    This hypervigilant protector is exhausting, but it exists because unpredictability made rest feel unsafe.

    The Guilt-Carrying Part

    Many trauma bonds are reinforced through guilt. This part may feel responsible for the other person’s pain, addiction, grief, or past trauma.

    If guilt has been projected onto you in the relationship, consciously or unconsciously, this part may believe that leaving is cruel or selfish. It may feel responsible for keeping the other person stable.

    Learning how to detach from a trauma bond means recognising that guilt is often a learned survival strategy, not a moral truth.

    Why Compassion Is Essential for Detachment

    Detachment does not happen by pushing parts away. It happens by befriending them.

    When parts of you are stuck in the past, they are often reacting as if the danger or abandonment is still happening now. They do not need to be silenced. They need to be updated.

    Compassion allows you to say:

    • I see why you stayed.
    • I understand why this feels scary.
    • You did what you had to do to survive.
    • I am here now.

    This compassionate presence brings parts back into the present moment, where you have more choice, resources, and safety.

    This is a core element of how to detach from a trauma bond in a sustainable way.

    Steps Toward Detaching From a Trauma Bond

    Detachment requires both inner compassion and external structure. Below are key steps that support this process.

    1. Build Support Systems

    Trauma bonds often collapse your world into one relationship. Detaching means expanding connection beyond that person.

    Support systems may include:

    • Therapy, particularly trauma-informed or parts-based therapy
    • Church or spiritual community
    • Gym or movement practices
    • Courses or learning environments
    • Friendships that feel calm and reciprocal

    These supports help regulate your nervous system and remind your body that safety and belonging exist outside the trauma bond.

    Understanding how to detach from a trauma bond becomes easier when connection is diversified.

    2. Go No Contact and Create Boundaries

    No contact is not about punishment. It is about nervous system safety.

    Continued contact often reactivates attachment parts, hope, fear, and guilt. Boundaries create the space needed for regulation.

    Boundaries may include:

    • No messaging or checking social media
    • Blocking or muting access
    • Limiting emotional conversations
    • Ending interactions that destabilise you

    If full no contact is not possible, reducing emotional access is still a meaningful step in how to detach from a trauma bond.

    3. Accept the Reality of the Relationship

    Acceptance is often one of the most painful steps.

    Many trauma-bonded relationships involve a person who does not tolerate boundaries because they have not learned to regulate their emotions. They may regulate through jealousy, control, or emotional reactions to normal behaviours like seeing friends or going to the gym.

    Patterns matter more than intentions. If manipulation, chaos, or control have been consistent, accepting this reality allows your nervous system to stop waiting for change.

    Learning how to detach from a trauma bond means grieving the fantasy, not clinging to it.

    4. Stop Trying to Fix Another Person and Turn Toward Yourself

    Fixing another person often functions as self-avoidance. Focusing on their emotions, healing, or behaviour keeps attention away from your own pain and needs.

    Codependency makes fixing feel purposeful, but it also keeps you attached.

    Detachment requires gently redirecting energy back to yourself:

    • What do I need?
    • What feels safe?
    • What am I avoiding in myself?

    Understanding how to detach from a trauma bond involves reclaiming your life force.

    5. Create a Safety Plan

    If your body feels constantly on alert, this is important information.

    Waking up anxious, braced, or unsure what will happen each day is a sign that your nervous system does not feel safe. The body often speaks before the mind is ready to listen.

    A safety plan may include:

    • Trusted people to contact
    • Practical steps to reduce exposure
    • Emotional regulation tools
    • Professional or legal support if needed

    Trusting your body is a key part of how to detach from a trauma bond.

    6. Understand the Cycle of Abuse

    One reason detachment is so difficult is the presence of an abuse cycle.

    This cycle may include:

    • Jealousy and control
    • Monitoring behaviours
    • Emotional explosions
    • Withdrawal or punishment
    • Sweet talking and nostalgia
    • Promises to change
    • Manipulation and gaslighting

    Gaslighting often involves denying harmful behaviour, leaving you doubting your reality.

    It often takes multiple attempts to leave because the cycle pulls you back in. Eventually, many people reach a point where clarity replaces hope.

    Recognising this cycle supports how to detach from a trauma bond without self-blame.

    7. Spend Time With Calm, Regulated People

    Trauma bonds condition the nervous system to associate intensity with connection. Calm may initially feel boring or unfamiliar.

    Spending time with emotionally regulated people helps your nervous system recalibrate. You may notice:

    • Less anxiety
    • Reduced hypervigilance
    • A sense of steadiness
    • Relief in your body

    This lived experience teaches your system what safety actually feels like.

    Detaching Through Compassion and IFS Therapy

    Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is especially helpful for trauma bonds because it does not shame attachment. It helps you understand and befriend the parts of you that are still holding on.

    IFS allows you to:

    • Build relationships with anxious and protective parts
    • Separate from their urgency
    • Access your grounded adult self
    • Update parts that are stuck in the past
    • Make choices from clarity rather than fear

    As internal safety increases, external attachment loosens naturally. This is often the most sustainable way to learn how to detach from a trauma bond.

    Grief, Loneliness, and the Return to the Present

    Detachment involves grief. Not just for the person, but for the version of yourself that adapted, hoped, and stayed.

    Loneliness does not mean you made the wrong choice. It means your nervous system is learning a new way of being.

    With compassion, support, and time, parts that were stuck in survival can return to the present moment, where you have more agency, safety, and choice.

    Conclusion

    Learning how to detach from a trauma bond is not about forcing yourself to let go. It is about understanding why you stayed, honouring the parts of you that survived, and gently guiding them back into the present.

    Being hard on yourself does not heal trauma bonds. Compassion does.

    When you befriend the parts of you that learned to adapt to chaos, you create the conditions for true detachment, healing, and relationships rooted in safety rather than survival.

    If this resonates with you and you would like support, I offer IFS therapy for those who lean towards codependency and would like to learn how to detach from a trauma bond. You can visit my home page to get in touch and schedule a free 15 minute consult with me to see if you resonate with my energy and would feel comfortable working with me.

  • Codependency, Abusive relationships

    How to Break a Trauma Bond with Self-Care and IFS Therapy

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    how to break a trauma bond inner child work 1

    How to Break a Trauma Bond With Self Care and IFS Therapy

    Trauma bonds are incredibly difficult to navigate, as they can hold an individual as an emotional hostage far beyond the time when they should have left a relationship. Many people describe knowing, logically, that a relationship is harmful or unsafe, yet feeling emotionally unable to walk away. This is the painful reality of trauma bonding.

    Learning how to break a trauma bond is not about weakness, lack of insight, or poor decision-making. It is about understanding how attachment, fear, and the nervous system can become entangled in cycles of harm, hope, and emotional dependency. This article explores what trauma bonds are, how they form, the signs you may be in one, and how to begin healing in a way that prioritizes safety, regulation, and self-trust.

    What Is a Trauma Bond?

    A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment that forms between a person and someone who causes them harm, distress, or instability. These bonds often develop in relationships marked by emotional abuse, psychological manipulation, neglect, or control, where periods of pain are followed by moments of closeness, reassurance, or affection.

    Trauma bonds can keep one or more victims locked in a cycle of continued abuse and codependency in a heightened and extreme expression of an insecure attachment style. Over time, this cycle can prevent the victim from ever truly moving on and can create deeper levels of emotional injury, which may lead to complex trauma.

    Understanding how to break a trauma bond begins with recognizing that these attachments are not rooted in love alone, but in survival, fear, and emotional conditioning.

    Why Trauma Bonds Are So Powerful

    One of the key mechanisms that strengthens trauma bonds is intermittent reinforcement. This occurs when affection, validation, or connection is given unpredictably, often following periods of withdrawal, conflict, or abuse.

    Intermittent reinforcement trains the nervous system to stay hyper-focused on the possibility of relief. The emotional “high” that follows moments of connection can feel intense and meaningful, even if those moments are rare.

    Because such a strong emotional connection has been developed between the abuser and victim through positive reinforcement after episodes of abuse, it creates a distorted version of reality. The painful moments are minimized, while the good moments are amplified and clung to.

    This distortion makes how to break a trauma bond feel confusing and frightening, even when the relationship is clearly harmful.

    Signs You May Be in a Trauma Bond

    Trauma bonds are often easier to see from the outside than from within. Common signs include:

    • Feeling unable to leave despite ongoing harm
    • Struggling to set boundaries without intense guilt
    • Caretaking or rescuing the other person
    • Putting their needs consistently above your own
    • Feeling responsible for their emotions or wellbeing
    • Fear of abandonment or loneliness when separation is considered
    • Constantly analysing the relationship
    • Feeling emotionally dysregulated around them

    Recognizing these patterns is an essential step in understanding how to break a trauma bond, because awareness creates space for change.

    Guilt, Caretaking, and Self-Abandonment

    Many trauma bonds are maintained through guilt. Guilt for leaving. Guilt for “hurting” the other person. Guilt for choosing yourself.

    Caretaking often becomes a central role. You may feel compelled to regulate the other person’s emotions, fix their pain, or stabilize the relationship at your own expense. Over time, this leads to self-abandonment.

    A painful paradox emerges: the fear of abandoning the other person becomes stronger than the awareness that you are abandoning yourself.

    Learning how to break a trauma bond requires gently reclaiming responsibility for your own needs, safety, and emotional wellbeing.

    How to Break a Trauma Bond: Removing Yourself and Creating Safety

    One of the most important steps in how to break a trauma bond is creating distance from the source of harm. Healing cannot fully occur while the nervous system is repeatedly activated by the same relational dynamic.

    This may involve:
    • Ending or significantly reducing contact
    • Limiting communication
    • Blocking or muting access
    • Creating physical or emotional distance
    • Seeking professional or legal support if needed

    Safety is not just physical. Emotional and nervous system safety are equally critical. Distance allows your system to begin stabilizing and creates the conditions needed for healing.

    Building Structure, Belonging, and Support

    Trauma bonds often consume a person’s emotional world. When the relationship loosens, a painful emptiness can appear. This is why structure and belonging are essential in how to break a trauma bond.

    Healthy structures help replace chaos with stability. These might include:
    • Rebuilding friendships
    • Joining a church, meditation group, or support group
    • Taking a new course or class
    • Becoming involved in community activities

    Trauma bonds collapse belonging into one person. Expanding connection restores balance and helps the nervous system learn that safety and connection can exist beyond one relationship.

    Creating Self-Care and Essential Routines

    Breaking a trauma bond can feel like withdrawal. Anxiety, grief, panic, and exhaustion are common. This makes basic self-care non-negotiable.

    Essential routines include:
    • Regular meals
    • Consistent sleep
    • Gentle movement
    • Time outside
    • Reducing substances that dysregulate the nervous system

    Another important part of how to break a trauma bond is reducing time spent analyzing the relationship. Rumination keeps the nervous system activated. Healing comes from regulation, not from understanding every detail.

    Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

    Boundary setting is often deeply challenging for people in trauma bonds, especially if boundaries were unsafe or punished earlier in life.

    Boundaries might include:
    • Not accepting calls after 9pm
    • Limiting emotional conversations
    • Saying no without justification
    • Ending conversations that feel destabilizing

    Learning how to break a trauma bond means understanding that boundaries are not cruel or selfish. They are acts of self-protection and self-respect.

    You are not responsible for giving another adult certainty at the expense of your wellbeing.

    Regulating the Nervous System Through Healthy Relationships

    An often overlooked part of how to break a trauma bond is spending time with emotionally regulated, safe people.

    As you socialize with people who are calm, consistent, and respectful, your nervous system begins to recalibrate. You may notice:
    • Less anxiety
    • Reduced hypervigilance
    • More groundedness
    • A sense of calm instead of intensity

    Trauma bonds often feel “exciting” because chaos and unpredictability have become familiar. Regulation may feel unfamiliar at first, but over time it becomes deeply soothing.

    How IFS Therapy Helps You Detach From a Trauma Bond

    Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is particularly effective in helping people understand how to break a trauma bond because it works directly with the internal parts that feel compelled to stay.

    These parts may include:
    • Fear of abandonment
    • Fear of loneliness
    • Anxiety and panic
    • Grief and longing
    • A part that does not want to abandon anyone
    • A part that feels responsible for the other person

    IFS therapy helps you see that these are parts of you, not your whole self. These parts developed to survive earlier experiences.

    Through IFS, you learn to:
    • Build compassion for fearful parts
    • Separate from their urgency
    • Access your grounded adult self
    • Reassure younger parts that you are no longer trapped
    • Make decisions from clarity rather than fear

    As these parts feel safer internally, the emotional pull of the trauma bond weakens naturally.

    Grief, Loneliness, and Letting Go

    Breaking a trauma bond often involves grief, not just for the relationship, but for the hope, fantasy, and future you imagined.

    Understanding how to break a trauma bond includes allowing this grief without interpreting it as a mistake. Loneliness does not mean you chose wrong. It means your nervous system is learning something new.

    With time, support, and regulation, longing fades, clarity strengthens, and self-trust returns.

    Conclusion

    Learning how to break a trauma bond is not about forcing yourself to detach or suppressing your emotions. It is about creating safety, restoring regulation, building support, and healing the parts of you that learned to survive through attachment to pain.

    Trauma bonds are maintained through fear, hope, guilt, and familiarity. Healing comes from boundaries, compassion, and reconnecting with your adult self who can choose safety over chaos.

    With the right support including therapy, community, and consistent self-care it is possible to detach, heal, and move toward relationships grounded in respect, stability, and genuine care. If this resonates, go to my home page to get in touch.

  • Abusive relationships

    12 Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships

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    signs of emotional abuse inner child work 1

    12 Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships

    Have you ever felt like something’s not right in your relationship, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Sometimes, relationships can become unhealthy and even abusive without us realising it.

    Emotional abuse is one of those situations where things might start subtly but often escalates over time into persistent, harmful behaviour. We might even think this person is caring and attentive, but then later down the line we realise it wasn’t care, it was control.

    Emotional abuse happens when a person tries to control you, make you scared, or keep you away from friends and family. While it doesn’t involve physically hurting you, it can still leave deep emotional wounds. Remember, even though emotional abuse doesn’t involve physical harm, it’s still very serious and can have long-lasting effects on your well-being.

    Ongoing abusive behaviors can have a more significant impact on your mental health compared to a single event. If the abuse is part of a larger pattern, the effects can be more severe and lead to mental health difficulties, such as depression, anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

    It’s important to remember that any red flags need to be taken as warning signs that signal “do not escalate the relationship further”. Remove yourself from the space and take your time to get the support you need and process your feelings. 

    When you notice these signs of emotional abuse and take space from the relationship, an abusive person might try to pull you back into the relationship with fake apologies to control you, guilt (“I do so much for you) and emotional manipulation (“you’ll go off with other men”).

    It’s important to take your time and always put yourself first.

    Put your feelings first. 

    Put your needs first. 

    Put yourself first and safeguard your physical and emotional wellbeing. 

    Don’t let someone else rush you, pressure you or pull you back into an unhealthy dynamic when your gut is telling you “RUN”.

    If you’re feeling lonely or isolated this can make you vulnerable to emotional abuse in relationships. However, there is support out there from people who are informed about emotional abuse, can validate your experiences, share psycho-education on power and control dynamics, give you emotional support and guidance.

    Remember, often in relationships the one red flag we ignore early on in the relationship becomes the reason we leave the relationship later down the line. Listen to your gut. Your gut is your body’s signal to protect you. 

    Sometimes unprocessed trauma from our childhood can make it difficult to trust our own gut and we struggle with self trust, making us vulnerable to emotional manipulation. 

    For example, when we have stored energy of anxiety in the body or fear of abandonment, we can struggle to trust ourselves because our fears are greater than our intuition, and sometimes what is familiar may be a controlling relationship with a parent, and what is familiar often feels safe.

    Often our relationship dynamics are unconscious, and we may find ourselves repeating similar patterns in our relationships without fully understanding why. These unconscious patterns can lead us to seek out partners who mirror the dynamics we experienced in our early relationships with parents or caregivers, even if those dynamics were unhealthy or controlling. The familiarity of these patterns can make us feel safe, even if they ultimately cause harm.

    Breaking free from these unconscious patterns requires self-awareness, healing, and learning to trust our intuition. By addressing our fears and anxieties, we can begin to recognise the signs of emotional abuse and create healthier relationships that truly support our well-being.

    So whilst you read this blog and educate yourself on the signs of emotional abuse. Take your time. Don’t let anyone pressure or rush you. There is no rush. You have a right to leave a relationship if you feel unsafe. You have a right to change your mind about someone. You don’t owe anyone anything. 

    Put yourself first and seek support from a professional, call abuse helplines and people you trust. 

    So with that, let’s look at the 12 signs of emotional abuse in relationships and you’ll be better equipped to identify if your relationship is heading down an unhealthy path.

    1 – Belittling 

    Belittling is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to make their partners feel small, incompetent, or inferior. This can take many forms, such as mocking your accomplishments, dismissing your opinions, or making you feel like you can’t do anything right. Over time, this constant belittlement can wear down your self-esteem and make you doubt your abilities. Belittling is a way for abusers to maintain control by making you reliant on their approval and validation. It’s essential to recognize the signs of belittling and remember that you deserve a partner who supports and encourages you, not someone who tears you down.

    2 – Crossing boundaries

    Boundary-crossing is a major red flag in any relationship, especially when it’s part of an emotionally abusive dynamic. Emotional abusers often disregard or violate their partner’s boundaries, whether they’re physical, emotional, or digital. This could manifest as pressuring you to do things you’re uncomfortable with, constantly invading your personal space, or refusing to respect your need for alone time. 

    Boundary-crossing can also involve going through your phone or social media accounts without permission or insisting on knowing your passwords. These violations of trust and privacy can make you feel trapped, powerless, and unable to maintain healthy personal boundaries. Remember that setting and enforcing boundaries is crucial for your well-being and a key aspect of any healthy relationship.

    3 – Yelling

    Yelling is a common and unsettling tactic used by emotional abusers to intimidate and manipulate their partners. It’s a way for abusers to assert their dominance and make you feel afraid or powerless. Yelling can occur during arguments, when they don’t get their way, or even as a response to minor mistakes. This constant fear of being yelled at can cause you to walk on eggshells, always trying to avoid setting off the abuser’s temper. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of helplessness. Yelling is not a normal or acceptable part of a healthy relationship, and it’s crucial to recognize this behavior for what it is: a form of emotional abuse.

    4 – Gaslighting 

    Gaslighting is a particularly insidious form of emotional abuse that involves manipulating you into questioning your own memory, perception, and sanity. Abusers who use gaslighting will deny saying things, twist your words, or flat-out lie, all in an effort to make you doubt yourself and rely more heavily on their version of reality. This can cause you to second-guess your own instincts and feel like you’re going crazy. Gaslighting is a powerful tool for emotional abusers, as it erodes your trust in yourself and your ability to make sense of the world around you. If you find yourself constantly doubting your own memory or questioning your sanity, it’s possible you’re experiencing gaslighting, and it’s crucial to reach out for support and help.

    Example of gaslighting phrases may be:

    • “You’re crazy”.
    • “You’re imagining things”.

    5 – Isolation

    Isolation is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to maintain control over their partners. By isolating their victim from family, friends, or other support systems, the abuser can make the victim feel dependent on them, more vulnerable, and less likely to leave the relationship. 

    Isolation can take many forms, such as prohibiting contact with others, controlling transportation or access to resources, or even shaming the victim for spending time with others. Over time, this type of behavior can lead to feelings of loneliness, depression, and low self-worth, as the victim begins to believe they are unworthy of support or connection with others. It’s crucial to recognize the signs of isolation and seek help if you feel that someone is trying to separate you from your support system or limit your autonomy.

    6 – Guilting

    Guilting is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to manipulate and control their partners. Abusers who use guilting often make their partners feel responsible for their own emotions, actions, or problems. They might say things like “If you loved me, you would do X” or “I do so much for you and you reject me”. 

    These statements can make you feel like you’re constantly falling short or not doing enough, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy. Guilting can also involve playing the victim or using emotional blackmail to get their way. By recognising the signs of guilting, you can protect yourself from this form of emotional abuse and set healthy boundaries in your relationships.

    It is important to remember that your emotional needs and boundaries are valid and should be respected in any relationship.

    7 – Accusing

    Accusing someone without a valid reason is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to manipulate and control their partners. The abuser may make unfounded accusations of infidelity, dishonesty, or other wrongdoings in order to deflect attention from their own behavior, keep their partner on the defensive, and maintain an upper hand in the relationship. 

    These accusations can be incredibly damaging to the victim’s self-esteem, making them feel like they must constantly defend themselves or prove their loyalty. Over time, this pattern of behavior can lead the victim to doubt their own perception of reality and become increasingly reliant on the abuser for validation. Accusing is a form of emotional abuse that undermines trust, erodes personal boundaries, and fosters a toxic dynamic in the relationship.

    8 – Criticising 

    Criticizing can become emotionally abusive when it is constant, degrading, and serves to undermine the victim’s self-esteem. An emotionally abusive criticizer will often attack their partner’s character, personality, appearance, or abilities, often using hurtful language and personal insults. This type of criticism goes beyond constructive feedback and serves only to tear the victim down, making them feel inadequate and unworthy. Over time, constant criticism can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and low self-worth, as the victim begins to internalize the abuser’s negative messages. Criticizing is a form of emotional abuse that can have serious long-term consequences for the victim’s mental health and well-being.

    9 – Blaming

    Blaming is another tactic used by emotional abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions and shift the blame onto their partners. Abusers who use blaming will find fault with everything you do, making you feel like you’re always in the wrong. They might say things like “You made me do it” or “This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t done X.” 

    This constant blaming can erode your self-esteem and cause you to doubt your own judgment. Blaming is a way for abusers to maintain control by making you believe that you’re the problem, when in reality, the problem lies with their abusive behavior. Recognizing the signs of blaming is crucial in order to protect yourself from this form of emotional abuse and take back control of your own life.

    10 – Shaming

    Shaming is an emotionally abusive tactic that involves making you feel embarrassed, humiliated, or unworthy. Abusers who use shaming might criticize your appearance, your personality, or your choices, often in front of others. They might make jokes at your expense, point out your flaws, or call you names. Shaming is designed to break down your self-esteem and make you feel like you’re not good enough. An example may be “You’re waiting for the next man to run through you”.

    Over time, this can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and low self-worth. It’s essential to recognize the signs of shaming and remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity in all your relationships. Shaming is a form of emotional abuse, and it’s never okay or justified. 

    11 – Emotional blackmail

    Emotional blackmail is a tactic commonly used by emotional abusers to manipulate and control their victims. By using threats, guilt, or other forms of coercion, abusers can force their partners to act in ways that benefit the abuser, often at the expense of the victim’s own well-being. This type of behavior is emotionally abusive because it strips the victim of their agency and independence, making them feel like they have no choice but to comply with the abuser’s demands. 

    This can start off subtle in the beginning with things like “my ex cheated on me”, so that you see them as a victim. Often people who are vulnerable to emotional abuse are empathetic and their empathy is exploited.

    This can be damaging to a victim’s self-esteem, leading them to doubt their own judgment and blame themselves for the abuse they’re experiencing. If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional blackmail in a relationship, it’s important to seek help and support, as this type of abuse can have serious long-term effects on mental health and well-being.

    12 – Sleep deprivation

    Abusers may use sleep deprivation as a tactic to control and weaken their partners. By interrupting or preventing sleep, the abuser can make the victim feel physically exhausted, emotionally drained, and less able to resist manipulation or coercion. Sleep deprivation can cause a range of physical symptoms, including fatigue, headaches, and difficulty concentrating, as well as mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and mood swings. Over time, sleep deprivation can erode the victim’s ability to function normally and increase their vulnerability to further abuse. It’s important to recognize the signs of sleep deprivation and seek help if you feel that someone is intentionally interfering with your ability to get rest.

    Consider therapy

    If you’re in a relationship with someone who displays signs of emotional abuse and red flags but you feel confused and self doubt, therapy can provide much needed support.

    Or if you’ve left the relationship and realize how much it’s impacted your mental health and you’re experiencing depression, anxiety or PTSD, therapy can help you navigate confusing emotions, regain confidence, and address any resulting depression, anxiety, or PTSD. 

    Having a compassion-focused approach helps people to go on an empathetic journey of meeting the parts of them affected by emotional abuse, fostering self-love, self-compassion and healing. 

    An overview of internal family systems therapy

    Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is a compassion-focused approach that focuses on healing the different parts of ourselves, or “inner family.” 

    IFS can help you connect with the parts of you that have been hurt, developing a deeper understanding of how these experiences have shaped your thoughts and behaviors. 

    By fostering self-compassion and awareness, IFS therapy empowers you to integrate these wounded parts into your overall sense of self, reducing feelings of guilt, shame and self-blame. Through this process, you can develop healthier relationships with yourself and others, enhancing your overall well-being and ability to cope with past trauma. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.