Therapy for Isolation: Understanding, Healing, and Reconnecting

Therapy for isolation is a pathway to help you break the pattern of isolation and self-alienation by offering a space for you to integrate parts of you, build self-confidence and find belonging and community.

Feeling alone, disconnected, or cut off from others can be deeply painful. Isolation can affect your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing, leaving you anxious, depressed, or stuck. If you struggle with loneliness or withdrawal, therapy for isolation can help you understand the root causes, process past experiences, and rebuild meaningful connections.

Isolation is more than just being physically alone. It can be emotional, relational, or psychological. Many people who experience chronic isolation find it difficult to trust others, engage socially, or express their true selves. While everyone feels lonely at times, prolonged isolation can have serious consequences for mental health, relationships, and overall life satisfaction. Therapy for isolation offers a safe, structured approach to explore these experiences and create emotional belonging.

What Causes Isolation?

Isolation often stems from complex life experiences, including trauma that make connection feel unsafe. They may also be due to a lack of socialisation growing up and experiencing abandonment from family members. Other causes include:

Controlling Relationships

Being in a relationship where your autonomy is restricted can lead to isolation. Controlling partners may monitor your social interactions, limit communication with friends or family, or make you feel guilty for socialising outside of the relationship. Over time, this creates a sense of disconnection, emotional withdrawal and emotional dependency.

Domestic Abuse

Experiencing physical, emotional, or psychological abuse can isolate individuals from support networks. Abusive partners often create environments of fear that make social interaction feel unsafe. Survivors of domestic abuse may continue to feel isolated even after leaving the abusive situation, as trust and confidence take time to rebuild.

Family Estrangement

Estrangement from family members can create profound loneliness. Without a reliable family support system, individuals may feel unsupported or rejected, leaving them disconnected from those around them.

Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic partners or family members often manipulate and control, leaving survivors feeling isolated. These patterns can reinforce withdrawal and make people fear rejection from groups.

Lack of a Support System

Another common cause of isolation is the absence of a reliable support network. Supportive friends, family, or community are a privilege not everyone has. Without this foundation, it can feel difficult to share experiences, ask for help, or maintain emotional wellbeing, which can intensify feelings of loneliness.

World Events and Lockdowns

Isolation can also arise from large-scale events beyond our control. Periods of social restriction, such as lockdowns during the COVID-19 pandemic, forced people into extended physical separation from friends, family, and community. Even after restrictions ended, many continued to feel disconnected, anxious, or lonely. Other global events, such as natural disasters, political unrest, or economic crises, can disrupt routines, separate people from support networks, and create uncertainty, all of which can deepen feelings of isolation.

Moving to a New City

Relocating to a new city or country can trigger isolation, especially when familiar social networks are left behind. Building new friendships and community connections takes time, and without an established support system, feelings of loneliness and disconnection can be intensified. Even people who move for exciting opportunities may find themselves struggling to feel grounded or emotionally supported in their new environment.

Bullying

Bullying is another significant contributor to isolation, particularly when it occurs repeatedly or during formative years. Experiences of bullying, whether in childhood, adolescence, or adulthood, can deeply impact a person’s sense of safety and belonging. Being mocked, excluded, or targeted can lead individuals to withdraw socially in an attempt to protect themselves from further harm. Over time, bullying can shape core beliefs such as “I don’t fit in,” “I’m not accepted,” or “It’s safer to stay invisible.” These beliefs can persist long after the bullying has ended, making social situations feel threatening and reinforcing patterns of self-isolation. Even in new environments, the nervous system may remain on high alert, anticipating rejection or exclusion, which can make genuine connection feel difficult and emotionally risky. Therapy for isolation can help you process these experiences in a safe and gentle way, reparent your younger self that felt excluded and build self-acceptance, self-confidence and emotional belonging.

How Isolation Impacts Mental Health

Persistent isolation can affect emotional and mental wellbeing in profound ways:

• It can trigger or worsen depression and anxiety.
• It can erode self-esteem and foster self-doubt.
• It can make emotions feel overwhelming or hard to regulate.
• It can create a cycle of social withdrawal, making connection feel increasingly difficult.

Therapy for isolation can help break these patterns, address underlying trauma, and support the development of healthier relationships with yourself and others.

How Unhealthy Relationships Perpetuate the Isolation Cycle

When we are repeatedly exposed to controlling, emotionally unavailable, or draining people, our mental health suffers and we become more energetically drained and isolated from people and community. We can become preoccupied of the relationship because we’re trying to meet our needs of belonging from one person. In the case of coercive control, we may become trapped in the relationship due to a web of control, and it may take people a while to realise and understand that they feel trapped. They may also be in relationships with others where they feel isolated due to financial control and don’t have the means to socialise. These dynamics prevent people from integrating and building supportive connections with others.

The Importance of a Secure Attachment Base

A secure attachment base in childhood is essential for emotional resilience and healthy relationships. When children do not have a supportive, nurturing environment, they often grow up feeling lonely, anxious, or disconnected from the world. This early lack of security can leave a lasting sense of emptiness that extends into adulthood.

Without a reliable attachment base, children may struggle to trust others or form supportive networks. As adults, this can make building friendships, romantic relationships, or community connections difficult. A thin or unreliable support system can leave individuals vulnerable to isolation, codependent patterns, and relationships where emotional needs are not met.

Therapy for isolation, particularly through Internal Family Systems (IFS), allows you to work with parts of yourself that carry loneliness or fear. IFS helps you connect with “reparenting” parts stuck in the past, unburden trapped emotional energy, and provide care and understanding to wounded parts. This internal work builds secure attachment within yourself, which supports authentic self-expression, courage to make connections, and the ability to form meaningful community.

Working through therapy for isolation provides a secure base where you can practice these skills safely. It also allows you to be intentional about relationships, choosing people who emotionally validate you and help build a reliable support system. Over time, you can cultivate a strong network through friends, support groups, hobbies, church, or sports, reinforcing belonging against isolation.

Self-Isolation and Trauma

Many people who struggle with chronic loneliness are not only isolated socially but are also withdrawing emotionally as a way of protecting themselves.

Self-isolation commonly develops as a survival strategy. When connection has felt unsafe, unpredictable, or painful, pulling away can feel like the safest option. By isolating, we reduce the risk of rejection, criticism, mistreatment or abandonment. Over time, this withdrawal can become habitual rather than a conscious choice. Therapy for isolation can help you to explore schemas that you’ve developed from childhood.

Childhood trauma often shapes deeply held schemas, or core beliefs, about ourselves and others. You may notice beliefs such as:

• “People don’t like me”
• “I’m not included
• “I don’t belong”

When these beliefs are active, self-isolation can feel unavoidable. Withdrawing becomes a way to control the external world and protect against further emotional pain. Unfortunately, this coping strategy often reinforces the very beliefs that created it. By isolating, we reduce opportunities for connection, which then confirms the belief that we are not wanted or valued.

Over time, this pattern can deepen emotional emptiness and loneliness. Even when there is a desire for connection, the body and nervous system may default to withdrawal as a familiar and protective response. Therapy for isolation is important for releasing traumas from the past and unburdening the stored emotional energy of isolation stored in the nervous system. This helps you to release these beliefs and create space for new beliefs into the subconscious mind. In IFS therapy, often we ask parts of you what beliefs they’d like to unburden and let go of and what beliefs they’d like to integrate through imagination and visualisation.

Breaking Patterns of Self-Isolation

Healing from self-isolation does not mean forcing yourself into overwhelming social situations. Instead, it involves gently creating opportunities for new experiences that challenge old beliefs. These are often referred to as dis-confirming experiences because they provide evidence that the past does not have to repeat itself.

One helpful step is reducing the pressure of finding belonging in one place or relationship. When all hope for connection is placed on a single person, group, or environment, the emotional stakes can feel too high. Trauma healing often involves spreading connection across different areas of life.

This might include:

• Joining a support group
• Attending a class such as yoga or salsa
• Joining a gym or fitness group
• Taking part in a hobby or interest-based group
• Attending therapy as a consistent relational space
• Becoming part of a spiritual or community group

Time Structuring

When exploring therapy for isolation, we may talk about how you structure your time. Many people who experience self-isolation tend to withdraw a lot. Withdrawal can show up as spending long periods alone on a phone or online. While this may offer short-term relief, it often increase disconnection and emotional numbness over time.

Small, intentional steps through therapy for isolation can make a meaningful difference. This might look like leaving the house to attend a class, going for a walk where others are present, or committing to a regular activity outside the home.

When positive or neutral experiences occur, even briefly, the nervous system begins to register safety. These moments create small glimmers of self-confidence. Over time, these glimmers invite repetition, creating a gentle upward spiral toward connection.

As these experiences accumulate, long-held schemas begin to shift. Instead of “I don’t belong,” new beliefs can slowly take root:

• “I can find belonging in different places”
• “I’m okay with people”
• “People enjoy my company”
• “I am valued”

Through repetition and integration, these beliefs start to replace trauma-based narratives. Self-isolation softens, trust in self and others increases, and connection begins to feel more accessible.

This process is not about becoming more extroverted or changing who you are. It is about reclaiming parts of yourself that learned to withdraw in order to survive and offering them new experiences of safety, acceptance, and belonging.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy for Isolation

Internal Family Systems therapy is a compassionate, structured approach that helps you understand the different parts of yourself. Some parts may feel anxious, withdrawn, or fearful, while others long for connection but avoid vulnerability. These parts often form as responses to childhood neglect, narcissistic abuse, controlling relationships, or family estrangement.

IFS therapy helps you:

• Identify protective parts that maintain isolation.
• Connect with wounded parts carrying trauma and loneliness.
• Reparent these parts, offering care and understanding.
• Unburden trapped emotional energy associated with isolation.
• Build internal secure attachment, supporting healthier relationships.

Therapy for isolation using IFS allows you to address the root causes of loneliness and withdrawal from the inside out. Rather than forcing connection or suppressing painful feelings, IFS helps you integrate your inner parts, creating safety, resilience, and the capacity for meaningful connection with others.

A Gentle Process for Healing Isolation Through IFS Therapy

Therapy for isolation often begins with small, manageable steps that help you reconnect with yourself before reaching out to others. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a gentle, body-centered approach allows you to notice and care for the parts of yourself that have been carrying loneliness, fear, or disconnection.

One way this can look in practice is through a simple guided process:

1. Body Scan – Begin by bringing your attention to your body. Notice areas of tension, tightness, or heaviness, as these often hold the emotional weight of isolation. Allow yourself to breathe into these areas without judgment.
2. Focus on a Part – Identify a part of you that feels lonely, scared, or withdrawn. Notice the sensations associated with it and describe it. This helps to mindfully separate from the part and not be blended with it.
3. Feel Toward the Part – Explore how you feel toward this part. If you feel frustrated, then there is likely another part of you that requires your attention and acknowledgement. Focus on that part and ask if it can step aside and give you space. Once it has given you space, return to the target part and let it know that you’re open and curious to get to know it.
4. Befriend and Appreciate – If you feel open and curious then you’re in self and you can spend time getting to know the part, asking it “what do you want me to know?” “When did you get this role?” Offer compassion, understanding, and appreciation to this part. Recognize the ways it has tried to protect you, even if its methods are no longer serving you.
5. Notice your heart opening – As you cultivate compassion and care, notice your heart feeling lighter and more open. This openness creates a sense of internal connection that supports engagement with the world around you.

In IFS, the Eight Cs of Self – calmness, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, clarity, connectedness, and creativity guide this process. Therapy for isolation helps you access these qualities within yourself. By softening and supporting your parts with compassion and appreciation, you gradually develop the courage and confidence to cultivate friendships and build a community.

Over time, therapy for isolation and inner work strengthens your internal secure base, allowing you to approach relationships and social connections from a place of authenticity rather than fear or withdrawal. You learn to create a supportive internal environment first, which then enables you to build external support systems that sustain connection and belonging.

Benefits of Therapy for Isolation

Engaging in therapy for isolation can lead to:

• Reduced emotional withdrawal and loneliness.
• Greater self-awareness and self-compassion.
• Improved ability to set boundaries and navigate relationships.
• Healing from trauma contributing to isolation.
• Confidence in social and relational interactions.
• Development of internal secure attachment supporting external connections.

By addressing both the internal and external dimensions of isolation, therapy empowers you to reclaim connection, belonging, and emotional resilience.

Therapy for Isolation: A 3-Step Healing Process

Therapy for isolation is most effective when approached in a structured way. In Newcastle, UK, and online, you can begin this process at a pace that feels safe.

Step 1: Begin With a Free 15-Minute Consultation

Start with a short, informal consultation. This is an opportunity to share your experiences, ask questions about therapy, and explore whether this approach feels right for you. There is no pressure, just a supportive first step. Book your 15-minute consultation here.

Step 2: Explore Your Patterns of Isolation

In therapy for isolation, you will explore how past experiences, trauma, or relational dynamics have contributed to your sense of disconnection. This may include patterns stemming from developmental trauma, controlling relationships, family estrangement and abusive relationships and codependent relationships. Understanding these patterns help you identify which parts of you feel lonely, anxious, or untrusting.

Step 3: Build Internal Security and Support Systems

Using an IFS-informed approach, therapy for isolation supports you to work with protective and wounded parts that carry the emotional burden of isolation. You learn to reparent these parts, release trapped emotional energy, and build internal secure attachment. Over time, this allows you to engage authentically, choose supportive relationships, and create strong social networks through friends, community, hobbies, or groups.

By combining inner healing with intentional social connection, therapy for isolation strengthens resilience, reduces loneliness, and fosters meaningful engagement with the world.

10 Signs you Grew Up With Controlling Parents and How to Heal

Do you find that your parents continue to interfere in your daily life, even as an adult? Perhaps your mother frequently shares unsolicited opinions about your body and your father criticizes your career path. 

Do you have a controlling step-parent who uses money, food, or isolation as a means of manipulation? Perhaps they limit your access to food, or prevent you from engaging in social activities. This type of controlling behavior can be especially challenging to navigate when the power dynamic in a blended family is already complex.

This type of parenting style, known as authoritarian or controlling parenting, involves one or both parents overly involving themselves in their children’s lives, often at the expense of the child’s emotional needs and personal boundaries. 

Authoritarian parents often place a higher importance on their own needs and preferences, failing to adjust their controlling behaviors even as their children mature and become adults. This inability to “let go” can lead to ongoing issues with personal boundaries and emotional well-being, even after the child has reached an age where independence and autonomy are expected. As we examine the signs of controlling parenting, it is crucial to consider the lasting impact such behavior can have on an individual’s development, as well as the potential benefits of seeking support to break free from these unhealthy patterns.

Guidance and support are essential components of a healthy upbringing, but there is a stark contrast between nurturing parenting and controlling behavior. When children are raised by overly controlling or intrusive parents, their opportunities to cultivate a strong sense of self are hindered. This can lead to detrimental effects on their emotional well-being, such as difficulty trusting their abilities, challenges in establishing a balanced level of independence, and potential struggles with self-assertion and advocating for their needs.

It is crucial to remember that genuine love involves respect for a child’s boundaries, needs, and voice. Controlling parenting, on the other hand, can stifle a child’s emotional growth and result in feelings of inadequacy. By recognizing these distinctions, we can better understand the potential long-term consequences of controlling parenting and emphasize the importance of fostering nurturing, respectful relationships within families.

Signs of controlling parents

1. Excessive criticism

Parents who constantly criticize their children can significantly impact their self-esteem and emotional well-being. This pattern of behavior can create an environment filled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. Over time, children may internalize these criticisms and struggle with low self-confidence in various aspects of their lives. It is essential for parents to provide constructive feedback while also acknowledging their child’s strengths and accomplishments.

2. Lack of respect for boundaries

Respecting personal boundaries is essential for healthy relationships, and parenting is no exception. When parents consistently disregard their child’s need for privacy or personal space, it can lead to feelings of powerlessness and a lack of control over their lives. This behavior may also hinder a child’s ability to establish and maintain boundaries in future relationships.

3. Emotional manipulation

Manipulative tactics such as guilt-tripping or gaslighting can have long-lasting effects on a child’s emotional well-being. When parents use these strategies, it can lead to a sense of mistrust and erode the foundation of a healthy parent-child relationship.

4. Unhealthy control of resources

Restricting access to essential resources like food, money, or transportation can create a power imbalance and force children to rely heavily on their parents. This dependence can hinder their ability to develop the skills needed for independence and self-sufficiency.

5. Isolation from friends and family

Limiting a child’s social interactions can have detrimental effects on their social development and emotional well-being. By preventing children from forming connections outside the immediate family, parents may unintentionally cause feelings of loneliness and hinder their ability to form healthy relationships in the future.

6. Overly high expectations

Parents who set unrealistic expectations for their children may inadvertently cause them to feel inadequate and constantly seek approval. This pattern can lead to anxiety, stress, and a fear of failure that may affect various aspects of a child’s life.

7. Difficulty expressing empathy

Empathy is a crucial aspect of emotional intelligence and emotional connection. When parents struggle to understand or empathize with their child’s emotions, it can leave children feeling misunderstood and unsupported. This lack of emotional connection can have lasting effects on a child’s emotional development and their ability to form healthy relationships.

8. Over-involvement in decision making

Although parental guidance is important in a child’s life, overinvolvement in decision-making can prevent children from developing crucial life skills and independence. By making significant life choices without considering their child’s input, parents may inadvertently rob them of the opportunity to learn from their experiences and become self-sufficient.

What are the signs of controlling parents in adulthood?

You feel guilty 

You may often experience a sense of guilt – a telltale sign of emotional manipulation. Guilt-tripping is a common tactic used by controlling parents to maintain power and influence over their children. They might frequently remind you of the sacrifices they’ve made for you or resort to the silent treatment when you assert your independence by declining their plans. This pattern of behavior fosters a sense of obligation, making it difficult to break free from their control and live life on your terms.

You feel anxiety and discomfort

You may notice an increase in anxiety and discomfort – indicators of an unhealthy dynamic with your controlling parent. Fear is a common emotion experienced in these situations, and you might feel a sense of dread when you see their name appear on your phone. The anticipation of their criticism, guilt-tripping, or manipulative behavior can create a knot in your stomach. Furthermore, interactions with them often leave you feeling emotionally drained and worse off than before, highlighting the toll that these encounters can take on your mental well-being.

You feel they don’t approve of you

In adulthood, the lingering effects of having a controlling parent can manifest in a persistent feeling that they still do not approve of you. Even as you’ve grown and established your independence, you might find that their words, actions, or expectations continue to carry weight and influence. This ongoing sense of disapproval can lead to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, as you may still crave their validation and acceptance. The challenge of breaking free from this pattern can be substantial, as it requires re-evaluating the role your parent’s approval plays in your self-worth and developing strategies to prioritize your own emotional well-being.

They give unsolicited advice about your children

Receiving unsolicited advice about your own children from a controlling parent can be a source of frustration and tension. Despite being an adult with your own family, you may find that your parent continues to insert themselves into your parenting decisions, questioning your choices and offering unwanted suggestions. This behavior not only undermines your authority as a parent but can also create confusion for your children and strain your relationship with them. Balancing your desire to maintain a connection with your parent while establishing boundaries to protect your own family can be a challenging but necessary step in preserving a healthy dynamic for your immediate family unit.

Controlling parents and anxiety

Individuals who were raised by controlling parents often experience increased anxiety in adulthood due to the lasting impact of their upbringing. Controlling behavior can contribute to diminished self-esteem and self-trust, as well as the development of a severe inner critic. This internal voice, often a reflection of parental criticism, can result in self-blame and negative self-talk when faced with challenges or setbacks.

The consequences of controlling parenting may also extend to relationships, with individuals potentially gravitating towards partners who exhibit similar dominating traits or struggle to provide the desired emotional support. This pattern can be attributed to the internalization of parental voices and dynamics during childhood, which can shape one’s expectations and behaviors in adult relationships.

How to heal from controlling parents

Establish boundaries

Setting boundaries can be particularly challenging for individuals who grew up with controlling parents, as they may not have experienced healthy boundary-setting in their formative years. Without proper modeling and respect for personal boundaries, it can be difficult to recognize the importance of establishing these limits and effectively implementing them in relationships.

Boundaries may take various forms, depending on your specific circumstances and comfort levels. Some examples include:

No contact: Severing all communication with your parents to protect your emotional well-being and establish a firm boundary.

Limited contact: Restricting interactions with your parents to specific occasions or timeframes to maintain a sense of control and safety.

Off-limits topics: Identifying subjects that are off-limits for discussion, enabling you to steer conversations away from potentially triggering or harmful topics.

Time limits: Placing limits on the duration of visits or conversations to prevent feeling overwhelmed or emotionally drained.

By tailoring boundaries to your unique needs and seeking professional support, you can work towards healthier relationships and a greater sense of personal autonomy.

Working with a therapist can provide invaluable guidance and support as you navigate the process of setting boundaries. Together, you can explore your unique needs and develop strategies for asserting your limits in a way that feels both safe and empowering.

Learn to accept your feelings 

Growing up with controlling parents who frequently criticized our feelings can lead to emotional dysregulation and difficulty accepting our emotions. As children, we learn to internalize the voices of our parents, which can result in a harsh inner critic and the tendency to deny or suppress our own feelings. This lack of emotional acceptance can contribute to anxiety and make it challenging to navigate relationships, particularly with our parents.

Managing our relationship with controlling parents starts with acknowledging and accepting our feelings. Recognize that the anxiety you may experience in their presence is a natural response to their controlling behavior. By honoring your emotions, you can begin to understand your needs and set boundaries that promote your emotional well-being.

Practicing mindfulness can help you become more aware of your feelings and develop a healthier relationship with them. When you notice physical sensations like a tightness in your stomach, take a moment to breathe and acknowledge the emotion without judgment. Remember that accepting your feelings doesn’t mean you must condone your parents’ behavior; instead, it allows you to make informed decisions about how to protect yourself and maintain a sense of emotional balance.

Befriend your inner critic 

Befriending your inner critic is an important step towards healing from the influence of controlling parents and fostering a healthier self-image. Begin by recognizing and acknowledging the critical voice within you, understanding that it may be rooted in the messages you received from your parents during childhood. 

But instead of fighting with your inner critic and allow it to bring you down, see if you can befriend your inner critic and see it as a part of you that has protected you from controlling parents by pre-empting their criticism.

This step of befriending your inner critic helps you to foster self-compassion and emotional regulation.

Heal the guilt wound

Growing up with controlling parents frequently results in a guilt wound due to their persistent, subtle patterns of criticism and belittling, which gradually erode self-esteem. This ongoing exposure can lead to internalized feelings of guilt and shame, fostering a belief that something is inherently wrong with us. Inner child work offers a powerful pathway to heal the guilt wound through self-compassion and reparenting our inner child. By nurturing and offering the emotional support our younger self may have lacked, we can cultivate a healthier relationship with ourselves.

Therapy for Healing From Controlling Parents: A Gentle 3-Step Process

Growing up with controlling parents can leave lasting emotional wounds. Therapy offers a safe and supportive space to understand these patterns, strengthen boundaries, and reconnect with yourself. In Newcastle, UK, and online, you can heal at a pace that feels manageable.

Step 1: Begin With a Free 15-Minute Consultation

Start with a short, informal consultation. This is your chance to talk about your experiences, ask questions, and see if therapy feels right for you. There is no pressure.
Book a 15-minute consultation here.

Step 2: Understand the Impact of Controlling Parenting

Therapy helps you explore how controlling parents shaped your emotions and relationships. You may notice patterns like guilt, people-pleasing, fear of disapproval, or difficulty setting boundaries. These patterns are approached with compassion and curiosity so you can understand why they formed.

Step 3: Heal the Inner Child and Build Emotional Safety

Using an IFS-informed approach and inner child work, therapy helps you connect with the parts of you that learned to cope with control or criticism. By offering understanding and care, you can release guilt, soften self-criticism, and strengthen your sense of self.

Over time, therapy can reduce emotional triggers, increase confidence, and help you respond to your parents in a way that protects your wellbeing.

If you want support in healing from controlling parents and reclaiming your sense of self, you can book your first session today.

10 Signs of Emotionally Immature People

Emotional maturity plays a significant role in our relationships, personal growth, and overall well-being. Recognizing the signs of emotionally immature people can help us better understand our interactions with others and identify areas for personal development. In this blog post, we will explore the key indicators of emotionally immature people, ranging from difficulty managing emotions to a lack of empathy and self-awareness. By becoming aware of these signs of emotionally immature people, you will be better equipped to navigate your relationships and make conscious choices about how you engage with those around you.

1. Lack of self awareness

A lack of self awareness is another sign of someone who is emotionally immature. Emotional maturity and self-awareness are closely intertwined, as understanding one’s emotions and their impact on others is crucial for building healthy relationships. When people lack self-awareness, they struggle to accurately assess their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, which can significantly hinder personal growth and connection with others.

They might be perceived as inconsiderate, hurtful, or insensitive without comprehending why their behavior elicits negative reactions. This can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships, as they are unable to empathize with others’ perspectives or adjust their actions accordingly.

Moreover, emotionally immature people with low self-awareness often fail to acknowledge their emotional triggers and patterns. This inability can lead to reactive and impulsive behavior, creating tension and instability in relationships. 

They might struggle to manage their emotions effectively, leading to outbursts or withdrawing from difficult situations. 

Often, emotionally immature people attract emotionally immature people. If you want to focus on having more emotionally mature people in your life, work towards becoming more emotionally mature. 

Developing self-awareness is essential for fostering personal growth and cultivating healthier relationships. By becoming more attuned to our thoughts, feelings, triggers and areas in our life to improve on, we can identify areas for improvement and make conscious choices that align with our values and goals.

2. Ineffective communication

Ineffective communication is another hallmark of someone who is emotionally immature. Emotionally immature people  often struggle to express their thoughts and feelings constructively, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts in their relationships. Their communication style may be characterized by several problematic behaviors, including:

• Passive-aggressiveness: Instead of openly discussing their concerns, emotionally immature people  might resort to passive-aggressive tactics, such as sarcasm, veiled criticism, or the silent treatment. This behavior can erode trust and create resentment in relationships.
• Defensiveness: When faced with criticism or feedback, emotionally immature people  may become overly defensive, making it difficult for them to learn from their mistakes or consider alternative perspectives.
• Poor listening skills: Ineffective communicators often struggle to actively listen to others, interrupting conversations or focusing on formulating their response rather than understanding the speaker’s message. This can leave others feeling unheard and unappreciated.
• Blame and criticism: Emotionally immature people  might assign blame or excessively criticize others rather than taking responsibility for their actions or collaborating to find solutions.

Improving communication skills is essential for emotional growth and fostering healthier relationships. By developing active listening, empathy, and constructive expression of thoughts and feelings, people  can enhance their connection with others and better navigate life’s challenges.

3. Lack of accountability

A lack of accountability is a significant indicator of someone who is emotionally immature. Emotionally immature people  often struggle to take responsibility for their actions, which can hinder personal growth and damage relationships. Several behaviors characterize this deficit:

• Blaming others: Rather than acknowledging their mistakes or shortcomings, emotionally immature people  might blame others for their problems. This can create tension and conflict in relationships, as they fail to recognize their role in the situation.

• Avoiding responsibility: These people  might evade responsibility by making excuses or denying their involvement in a problem, making it difficult to address issues constructively.

• Difficulty apologizing: Emotionally immature people  often struggle to apologize sincerely or make amends for their actions. This can leave others feeling hurt and disrespected, further damaging the relationship.

• Refusal to learn from mistakes: By avoiding accountability, emotionally immature people  miss opportunities to learn from their mistakes and grow personally. This can lead to a cycle of repeated negative behaviors and patterns.

If there is someone in your life that is lacking accountability, then use this as an opportunity to deepen your sense of personal accountability.

Developing accountability is essential for emotional maturity and building trust in relationships. By acknowledging mistakes, taking responsibility, and making genuine efforts to improve, you can demonstrate your commitment to growth and strengthen their connections with others.

4. Demanding attention

Emotionally immature people may exhibit attention-seeking behavior, as they often crave validation and admiration from others. This constant need for attention can manifest in various ways:

• Self-centeredness: These people  might dominate conversations, making everything about themselves and disregarding others’ interests or concerns. This can create tension in relationships, as it suggests a lack of empathy and consideration for others.
• Dramatic behavior: Emotionally immature people  might resort to dramatic or exaggerated behavior to draw attention to themselves. This could include theatrical displays of emotion, creating unnecessary conflict, or staging public scenes.
• Constant need for validation: They may seek constant praise, reassurance, or approval from others. This can create an unhealthy dependency and make it difficult for them to develop self-confidence and resilience.
• Exploiting relationships: Emotionally immature people  might use their relationships as a means of seeking attention or validation. This can result in codependency and can strain the relationship, as their partners may feel objectified or undervalued.

Learning to find validation and self-worth within oneself is crucial for developing emotional maturity.

5. Emotional intimacy

Emotionally immature people  often struggle with emotional intimacy, as it requires vulnerability, empathy, and a deep connection with others. This challenge can manifest in several ways:

• Difficulty opening up: These people  may have trouble expressing their emotions, fears, or vulnerabilities to others. This can create a barrier to emotional intimacy, as relationships require mutual sharing and understanding.
• Avoidance of difficult conversations: Emotionally immature people  might avoid conversations that involve strong emotions or conflict, preventing them from addressing relationship issues and deepening their connections.
• Lack of empathy: Their inability to empathize with others can hinder emotional intimacy, as empathy is essential for understanding and supporting one’s partner.
• Superficial connections: Emotionally immature people  might engage in shallow relationships that prioritize excitement and immediate gratification over depth and genuine connection. This can prevent them from experiencing the emotional intimacy and stability that come with deeper, more committed relationships.

Cultivating emotional intimacy requires personal growth and a willingness to develop vulnerability, empathy, and communication skills. By addressing these challenges, people can experience more fulfilling and meaningful relationships.

6. Poor impulse control

Emotionally immature people often struggle with poor impulse control, which can lead to various challenges in their personal and professional lives. This difficulty manifests in several ways:

• Reactive behavior: These people may react impulsively to stressful or emotional situations without considering the consequences of their actions. This can result in strained relationships, as others might perceive their behavior as unpredictable, aggressive, or insensitive.
• Difficulty delaying gratification: Emotionally immature people  might prioritize immediate satisfaction over long-term goals or benefits. This can lead to poor decision-making, such as engaging in risky behaviors or neglecting responsibilities.
• Poor emotional regulation: Their struggle with impulse control often stems from an inability to regulate their emotions effectively. They may experience intense emotional outbursts or mood swings, making it challenging for others to maintain a stable connection.
• Inability to learn from past mistakes: By failing to reflect on their impulsive actions and learn from them, emotionally immature people  may repeat negative patterns and behaviors, hindering personal growth and relationship stability.

Developing better impulse control involves strengthening discipline, emotional regulation, self-awareness, and the ability to consider long-term consequences. By addressing these challenges, people can improve their decision-making and build healthier relationships with others.

7. Avoidance

Emotionally immature people often resort to avoidance as a coping mechanism, which can hinder personal growth and healthy relationships. This struggle manifests in various ways:

• Avoiding conflict: These people  may steer clear of difficult conversations or confrontations to evade uncomfortable emotions or potential rejection. This can lead to unresolved issues in relationships, ultimately weakening trust and connection.
• Escaping responsibility: Emotionally immature people  might avoid taking responsibility for their actions or facing the consequences of their behavior. This can result in a lack of accountability and hinder personal growth.
• Ignoring personal issues: They may neglect addressing personal issues or seeking help when needed, choosing instead to avoid acknowledging their problems. This avoidance can exacerbate mental health concerns and prevent them from developing emotional maturity.
• Sabotaging intimacy: Emotionally immature people  might avoid forming close, intimate relationships due to fears of vulnerability or abandonment. This can lead to a pattern of superficial connections and unfulfilling relationships.

Learning to face challenges and engage in open, honest communication is crucial for overcoming avoidance and cultivating emotional maturity. By addressing these issues, people can develop healthier relationships and create opportunities for personal growth.

8. Name calling and bullying

Emotionally immature people may resort to name-calling and bullying as a way to assert control or hide their own insecurities. This behavior is detrimental to both their personal relationships and their own emotional well-being:

• Belittling others: These people  might use derogatory names or labels to make others feel small or inferior, often targeting perceived weaknesses or vulnerabilities. This can create a toxic dynamic and lead to low self-esteem and anxiety in the people  being bullied.

• Deflecting attention: Emotionally immature people  may engage in name-calling and bullying to shift attention away from their own shortcomings or avoid facing their issues. This can create a hostile environment and hinder personal growth for both the bully and the person being bullied.

• Lack of empathy: Their inability to empathize with others can contribute to bullying behavior, as they fail to understand or consider the impact of their actions on others’ feelings and well-being.

• Cycle of negativity: Engaging in name-calling and bullying can perpetuate a cycle of negativity, leading to further conflict and damaged relationships.

If this is something that you notice in yourself, then it’s important to acknowledge the defensive or firefighter parts in you that might bully others to protect your own vulnerable feelings.

9. Selfishness

Emotional immaturity and self-centeredness are closely related. people who are emotionally immature often have difficulty considering other people’s perspectives and feelings. As a result, they tend to focus primarily on their own needs and desires, leading to self-centered behavior. This can manifest in various ways, such as:

• Difficulty with compromise or sharing attention
• Demanding special treatment or favors
• Inability to accept constructive criticism or feedback
• Expecting others to cater to their needs and preferences
• Inability to show empathy or support for others

Self-centeredness can be harmful to personal relationships, as it can lead to frustration, resentment, and conflict. It can also hinder personal growth, as people  who are overly focused on themselves may miss opportunities for personal development and self-reflection.

By cultivating empathy, considering others’ perspectives, and practicing selflessness, people can overcome self-centeredness and foster healthier relationships and personal growth.

10. Inconsistency

Emotionally immature people  often struggle with inconsistency, which can significantly impact their relationships and personal growth. Inconsistency can manifest in various ways, such as:

• Inconstant behavior: Emotionally immature people  may behave unpredictably, leading to confusion and instability in their relationships. This inconsistency might involve sudden shifts in mood, interests, or attitudes.

• Inability to follow through on commitments: They might struggle with following through on promises or plans, causing frustration and disappointment for those around them.
• Difficulty maintaining healthy habits: Emotionally immature people  may struggle with maintaining consistent self-care practices, leading to physical or mental health challenges.
• Inconsistency in communication: They might vacillate between being overly communicative and withdrawn, making it difficult for others to understand their needs or establish a stable connection.

Overcoming inconsistency requires self-awareness, accountability, and a willingness to work on personal growth. By identifying patterns of inconsistent behavior, people  can address underlying issues and develop healthier, more stable relationships.

How to deal with emotionally immature people

Dealing with emotionally immature people can be challenging, but there are several strategies that can help. Here are a few tips for navigating these interactions:

Establish clear boundaries: Be clear about your needs and expectations, and communicate them in a calm, non-confrontational manner.

Adjust expectations: Emotionally immature people  may not have the capacity to meet the same expectations you would have for emotionally mature people . By adjusting your expectations, you can avoid disappointment and frustration that can arise when they don’t meet the standards you’ve set.

Focus on your own needs: Do not take on the responsibility of “fixing” the emotionally immature person. Instead, prioritize your own well-being and focus on your own goals and objectives.

Choose your battles wisely: Decide when it is worth engaging in a conversation or confrontation, and when it is better to disengage or walk away.

Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals for guidance and support in navigating these interactions.

It’s important to remember that you cannot control the behavior of others, but you can control your own reactions and responses. Focus on what you can control. Your emotional health, your goals, your boundaries, the time and energy you give others.

Therapy for Dealing With Emotionally Immature People: A Gentle 3-Step Process

Working with emotionally immature people can feel confusing, draining, and emotionally destabilising. Therapy offers a structured, supportive way to understand your reactions, strengthen boundaries, and reduce the emotional impact these relationships can have on you. In Newcastle, UK, and online, therapy provides a safe space to begin this work at a pace that feels manageable.

Step 1: Begin With a Free 15-Minute Consultation

The process begins with a free, informal consultation. This is an opportunity to talk about the relationships you are struggling with, ask questions about therapy, and explore whether this approach feels right for you. There is no pressure or obligation, just a gentle first step to help you feel informed and supported. Book a 15 minute consultation here.

Step 2: Understand Your Patterns in Emotionally Immature Relationships

In therapy, we explore common patterns that often arise when dealing with emotionally immature people. This may include over-functioning, people-pleasing, walking on eggshells, suppressing your own needs, or feeling responsible for managing other people’s emotions. These responses are approached with curiosity and compassion, helping you understand how they developed and how they once helped you cope or stay connected.

Step 3: Build Boundaries and Emotional Stability Through IFS Therapy

Using an Internal Family Systems (IFS)–informed approach, therapy supports you to work with the parts of you that feel triggered, overwhelmed, guilty, or pulled into fixing or rescuing others. As internal safety and self-leadership strengthen, it becomes easier to respond rather than react, set clearer boundaries, and protect your emotional wellbeing.

Over time, therapy can reduce emotional reactivity, increase self-trust, and help you engage in relationships from a place of calm, clarity, and choice even when others are unable or unwilling to change.

12 Signs of Walking on Eggshells in Relationships

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around certain topics or people to avoid conflict or upsetting someone? This can be a difficult and exhausting way to live, and it can take a toll on our mental and emotional well-being. In this blog post, we’ll explore the signs of walking on eggshells, and offer some tips for breaking free from this pattern and cultivating healthier relationships.

Walking on eggshells is a phrase that describes the feeling of constant anxiety or fear of saying or doing something that might upset or offend someone else. This can lead to a sense of isolation, as we hold back from expressing our true thoughts and feelings, and a lack of authentic connection in our relationships. But why do we do this, and how can we break free from this cycle? Let’s dive in.

Many of us have experienced the pressure to walk on eggshells around certain people or in certain situations. Maybe you’ve avoided bringing up a sensitive topic with a loved one, or held back from expressing your true feelings to avoid conflict. This type of self-censorship can be a coping mechanism to maintain peace, but it can also have negative impacts on our mental health and relationships. In this post, we’ll explore why we walk on eggshells and offer strategies for building more authentic, fulfilling connections.

Have you ever questioned whether constantly walking on eggshells is a sign of emotional abuse? 

If so, it’s crucial to recognize that this is indeed an indicator of a toxic relationship. To help identify if you’re experiencing this dynamic, here are 12 signs of walking on eggshells:

1 – You’re more reserved

When you find yourself in a relationship that has you walking on eggshells, you may notice that you’re more reserved than usual. This can manifest as being more cautious with your words, actions, and even your emotions, for fear of triggering a negative reaction from your partner. You might hold back from sharing your true thoughts and feelings, or avoid expressing yourself authentically. 

This can lead to a sense of isolation and disconnection within the relationship, as you’re not fully able to be yourself or engage in open, honest communication. Over time, this constant self-censorship and emotional restraint can take a toll on your mental health, happiness, and overall well-being. This is a sign of a relationship that lacks emotional safety as you don’t feel like you can be yourself.

In a healthy relationship, you should never feel like a mere shell of yourself. Instead, you’ll experience a sense of freedom, authenticity, and acceptance that allows you to be your true self without fear of judgment or rejection.

2 – You feel anxious 

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, you may find yourself constantly worried about your partner’s reactions, mood swings, or potential outbursts. This worry can be all-consuming, affecting your daily thoughts and actions as you try to anticipate and avoid any possible triggers. You may feel anxious about doing or saying the wrong thing, or worry that your partner will become upset or angry without warning. 

This constant state of worry can be emotionally draining and exhausting, leaving you feeling emotionally depleted and on edge. Over time, this chronic stress can impact your mental and physical health, making it difficult to maintain a sense of well-being or happiness within the relationship.

3 – You stay silent

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, you may find yourself frequently staying silent to avoid conflict or upsetting your partner. This can manifest as withholding your thoughts, opinions, or feelings, or avoiding discussing certain topics altogether. You may fear that speaking up will lead to anger, rejection, or further tension in the relationship, so you choose to remain quiet instead. 

Over time, this silence can become a pattern of self-censorship that erodes your sense of agency, authenticity, and emotional connection within the relationship. You may feel increasingly isolated or disconnected from your partner, as you’re unable to fully express yourself or engage in open and honest communication. Ultimately, this dynamic of staying silent can take a toll on your mental health and well-being, leaving you feeling frustrated, unfulfilled, and trapped in a relationship that doesn’t allow you to be your true self.

4 – You are isolated

When you’re in a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, you may find yourself increasingly isolated from friends and family. This can occur as a result of your partner’s controlling or manipulative behavior, as they may discourage or prevent you from maintaining close relationships with others outside of the relationship. 

You may feel pressured to prioritise your partner’s needs and desires over your own, leading you to cancel plans with friends, decline invitations to family events, or distance yourself from your support network. Over time, this isolation can leave you feeling lonely, unsupported, and even trapped within the relationship, as you become more dependent on your partner for social interaction and emotional support. Additionally, this isolation can make it more difficult to seek help or support if you need it, as you may feel like you have no one to turn to.

5 – You’ve become dependent

When you’re walking on eggshells in a relationship, you may find yourself becoming increasingly dependent on your partner. This can occur as a result of your partner’s controlling or manipulative behavior, as they may seek to isolate you from your support network, limit your access to resources or opportunities, or undermine your sense of agency and autonomy. 

Over time, you may come to rely on your partner for emotional support, financial stability, or basic necessities, even if these things are not being provided in a healthy or sustainable way. This dependency can be a difficult cycle to break, as you may feel like you have no other options or resources to turn to. Furthermore, your partner may use your dependency as a tool for control, threatening to withhold support or resources if you don’t comply with their demands or expectations.

6 – You feel insecure

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, feelings of insecurity can be a common experience. This insecurity can stem from the constant fear of upsetting or disappointing your partner, as well as the lack of emotional safety and stability within the relationship. You may feel anxious or uncertain about your partner’s feelings or commitment to you, especially if they are prone to mood swings, unpredictable behavior, or emotional withdrawal. 

This insecurity can be exacerbated by your partner’s critical or belittling comments, which can erode your self-esteem and confidence over time. Additionally, the lack of open and honest communication within the relationship can contribute to feelings of uncertainty and doubt, as you may be left guessing about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or intentions. Ultimately, the chronic insecurity that often accompanies a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells can be emotionally exhausting and damaging, leading to a sense of hopelessness and despair.

7 – You feel trapped

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, it’s not uncommon to feel trapped or stuck. This can occur as a result of the emotional, psychological, or even physical barriers that your partner has created to maintain control or dominance within the relationship. You may feel like you have no choice but to comply with your partner’s demands or expectations, even if they are harmful or destructive. 

This can lead to a sense of hopelessness and despair, as you feel powerless to change your circumstances or escape the relationship. Additionally, the chronic stress and anxiety that often accompanies a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells can take a toll on your mental and physical health, making it even more difficult to find the strength or motivation to leave. Ultimately, feeling trapped in a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells can be a frightening and isolating experience, one that requires courage, support, and resources to overcome.

8 – People pleasing

When you’re walking on eggshells in a relationship, people-pleasing behaviors may become more prevalent as a way to avoid conflict or confrontation with your partner. People-pleasing can involve putting your partner’s needs and desires ahead of your own, bending over backward to accommodate their demands or expectations, or avoiding expressing your true thoughts or feelings in order to keep the peace. 

While these behaviors may seem helpful or necessary at first, they can ultimately be damaging to your own well-being and the health of the relationship, as they prevent you from being your authentic self and voicing your needs or boundaries. Furthermore, people-pleasing can perpetuate a power imbalance within the relationship, as it may reinforce your partner’s sense of control or dominance. It’s important to remember that healthy relationships require open, honest communication, and a balance of mutual respect, support, and consideration, rather than the one-sided effort of people-pleasing.

9 – Partner is highly-strung

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, your partner may exhibit a pattern of getting angry at even the slightest provocation. This can create a constant state of anxiety and fear, as you may feel like you have to be extremely careful or accommodating in order to avoid triggering your partner’s anger or aggression. This dynamic can also make it difficult to communicate openly or authentically, as you may fear that expressing your own thoughts or feelings will only escalate the situation. 

Over time, this pattern of anger and volatility can erode the emotional safety and stability of the relationship, leaving you feeling constantly on edge or unable to relax. It’s important to remember that anger and aggression are never acceptable or healthy ways of expressing emotions or resolving conflict, and that you deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationships.

10 – You fear your partner 

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, feeling fear of your partner is not uncommon. This fear can take many forms, from anxiety about triggering your partner’s anger or aggression to a more pervasive sense of dread or unease around them. You may find yourself avoiding certain topics or behaviors, or constantly monitoring your own words and actions in order to prevent conflict or harm. 

This fear can also extend to your partner’s reactions or behaviors in general, as you may feel like you can never predict how they will respond or react in any given situation. Ultimately, feeling fear of your partner is a sign of an unhealthy and potentially abusive relationship dynamic, one that may require outside support or intervention in order to address or escape. It’s important to remember that no one deserves to feel afraid or unsafe in their relationships, and that seeking help and support is a brave and necessary step towards healing and recovery.

11 – Your partner lacks personal responsibility

When you’re in a relationship where your partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions or the harm they cause, it’s a clear sign that you’re walking on eggshells. This refusal to acknowledge accountability is often accompanied by blame-shifting, denial, or justification, leaving you feeling like you’re constantly trying to avoid triggering their anger or defensiveness. 

As a result, you may find yourself monitoring your own behavior or censoring your thoughts and feelings, in order to avoid conflict or backlash. This constant anxiety and fear can be exhausting and isolating, and is a hallmark of an abusive and unhealthy relationship dynamic. It’s important to recognize that your partner’s unwillingness to take responsibility is not your fault, and seeking outside support and resources may be necessary to prioritize your own safety and well-being.

12 – Reduced sense of confidence

One of the most significant signs that you’re walking on eggshells in a relationship is a reduced sense of confidence and self-worth. The constant fear, anxiety, and self-censorship required to navigate an unhealthy or abusive relationship dynamic can erode your own sense of identity and self-esteem over time. You may begin to doubt your own perceptions or judgments, or lose touch with your own needs and desires. 

This reduced confidence can also extend to other areas of your life, making it more difficult to pursue your goals or interests, or to maintain healthy relationships with others. Ultimately, the experience of walking on eggshells can leave you feeling diminished and powerless, as if your own sense of self has been eroded by the constant effort to please or avoid conflict with your partner. 

It’s important to remember that you deserve to feel confident, valued, and respected in your relationships, and that seeking support or resources to rebuild your sense of self is a crucial step towards healing and recovery.

Recap

Walking on eggshells in a relationship is a sign of a deeply unhealthy and potentially abusive dynamic. It’s characterized by a constant sense of fear, anxiety, and self-censorship, as you try to avoid triggering your partner’s anger or defensiveness. Over time, this pattern can erode your own sense of confidence, self-worth, and identity, leaving you feeling isolated, powerless, and alone. 

While it’s never easy to acknowledge or address an unhealthy relationship dynamic, recognizing the signs of walking on eggshells is a crucial first step towards healing and recovery. By prioritizing your own safety and well-being, and seeking outside support and resources as needed, you can begin to rebuild your sense of self and cultivate healthier, more authentic relationships that allow you to thrive.

Consider therapy

Considering therapy can be an important step in breaking away from the pattern of walking on eggshells as a fawn response to not having emotional safety in a relationship. A healthy relationship should have emotional safety, and therapy can provide a safe space to explore and address the underlying causes of this pattern. Many of our relationship patterns are unconscious, and by working with a therapist, we can gain greater awareness of these patterns and develop the skills and tools needed to change them. In particular, a therapy approach that emphasizes compassion can be especially helpful. When we meet ourselves with compassion, we give ourselves the validation and strength needed to make positive changes in our relationships and our lives.

Internal Family Systems

One such therapy approach is Internal Family Systems (IFS), which uses a compassion-focused approach to help individuals get to know and heal their anxious and fearful parts. By exploring these parts with love and compassion, we can release them from their burdens and grow in self-worth, self-confidence, and the ability to create healthier relationships. IFS therapy provides a framework for understanding and transforming our internal experiences, leading to greater emotional safety and well-being in our relationships and in our lives. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

Have you ever felt like something was a little off about your childhood, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it? Maybe your parents provided for your basic needs, but they weren’t so great at understanding or supporting your emotions. If that sounds familiar, you might have grown up with emotionally immature parents.

Perhaps you felt like the adult growing up and you felt as though you were raised by children. Perhaps they didn’t know how to handle our own feelings, let alone yours. It’s likely that when you were upset, instead of comforting you, it was too uncomfortable for your parents and your parents would tell you to stop crying or get over it. That’s emotional immaturity in action.

Children are like mirrors for parents, and emotionally immature parents find it too confronting, so will often deflect the attention off them and inflict guilt and shame on their children by dismissing and invalidating their feelings.

However, this is emotional harm and often it leads to children growing up with feelings of guilt, shame, unworthiness and self-judgment towards our own emotions.

Later on in our adult lives, it leads to emotional dysregulation where they struggle to regulate our emotions and accept our emotions, because soothing and self-regulation was never modeled to them.

We can become so emotionally overwhelmed by our emotions and can feel helpless, almost like our emotions are never going to end, because that’s how it felt like when they were a child. 

Understanding the signs of emotionally immature parents is the first step towards recognizing the impact of emotionally immature parenting on your emotional regulation and embarking on a healing journey. 

By acknowledging your experiences and seeking support, you can cultivate emotional resilience, form healthier relationships, and foster personal growth as an adult. Remember that it’s never too late to work through the challenges of your upbringing, and there are resources and supportive communities available to help you along the way.

What is emotional immaturity?

What does it mean to be emotionally immature? 

It’s natural for us all to have feelings and emotions as human beings. The goal is to be able to manage and control these emotions so that we don’t let them control us. However, some people haven’t learned how to do this effectively, which can lead to reacting impulsively or without restraint.

For example, if we grew up with a parent who was highly strung and would fly off the handle easily — this is an example of emotional immaturity. When adults haven’t learned how to cope with our emotions, they might act similarly, leading to challenges in our relationships and personal lives.

Dr Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents says that “Emotional immaturity is characterized by impulsive reactions, lack of empathy, and difficulty in taking responsibility for one’s actions. 

In essence, it’s the inability to engage in emotional self-regulation, leading to challenges in relationships and personal development.” – Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”.

Signs of emotionally immature parents

So with that, let’s take a look at the signs of emotionally immature parents.

1. Emotionally absent

Emotionally absent or unresponsive parents can leave children feeling neglected, isolated, and unsupported. These parents may be physically present, but emotionally unavailable, making it difficult for children to feel seen, heard, or understood. 

Children of emotionally absent parents may feel that our feelings and experiences are not important, leading to low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. This lack of emotional connection can also make it hard for children to develop healthy relationships in the future, as they may not have learned how to form meaningful bonds.

2. Lack of empathy

When parents struggle to show empathy, it can have a significant impact on our children’s emotional development. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, which is a crucial skill for healthy relationships. Children who grow up with parents who lack empathy may struggle to understand our own feelings, communicate effectively, and relate to others. 

They may feel misunderstood, unheard, or even invalidated. This can lead to difficulties in social interactions, self-expression, and conflict resolution. Additionally, children who don’t receive empathy from our parents may be less likely to develop empathy themselves, leading to challenges in forming meaningful relationships in the future. 

3. They reacted strongly to situations

Parents who struggle to regulate our own emotions can create a volatile and unpredictable environment for our children. When parents have explosive tempers, get easily overwhelmed, or experience frequent mood swings, it can make children feel anxious, fearful, and unable to trust our caregivers. 

Children in these situations may develop coping mechanisms like walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate our parents’ reactions, or becoming emotionally numb. Living in this type of environment can also impact children’s ability to regulate our own emotions, as they may not have had healthy role models to learn from.

4. Inconsistent and unpredictable behaviour

Inconsistent or unpredictable behavior from parents can create confusion, uncertainty, and instability for children. When parents’ actions and reactions are erratic, it can make it challenging for children to develop a sense of trust, safety, and security in our home environment. This unpredictability can lead to feelings of anxiety, hypervigilance, and difficulty in forming healthy attachments. 

Children in these situations may struggle with self-esteem issues, academic challenges, and behavioral problems. Additionally, they may carry these insecurities into adulthood, impacting our relationships, career choices, and overall well-being. It’s crucial for parents to strive for consistency in our actions, communicate openly with our children, and provide a stable environment to foster healthy emotional development.

5. Lack of accountability

When parents struggle to take accountability for our actions, it can create an unhealthy dynamic in the family. Parents who shift blame, make excuses, or deny responsibility for our behavior can set a poor example for our children and make it difficult for them to learn from our mistakes. 

Children may begin to internalize the idea that they are not responsible for our own actions, leading to a lack of personal responsibility and accountability. Additionally, children may feel resentful, frustrated, or even manipulated when they see our parents refusing to take responsibility.

6. Selfish

Parents who prioritize our own needs and desires above those of our children can be considered selfish. These parents may consistently put our own wants first, neglecting our children’s physical, emotional, or developmental needs. Selfish parents may fail to provide adequate care, support, or attention, leaving our children feeling neglected, insecure, or even unloved. 

This behavior can also lead to role reversal, where children feel responsible for taking care of our parents’ needs, sacrificing our own childhood in the process. Children of selfish parents may struggle with low self-esteem, feelings of guilt, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships in the future.

7. They relied on our children for support

Emotionally immature parents may rely on our children for emotional support, turning the natural parent-child dynamic on its head. This is known as parentification, where children feel responsible for taking care of our parents’ emotional needs, often at the expense of our own well-being. 

Children in these situations may feel overwhelmed, overburdened, or guilty for not being able to “fix” our parents’ problems. They may also feel like they can’t turn to our parents for support or guidance, as they are the ones who need to be taken care of. This role reversal can lead to long-lasting emotional issues, such as codependency, difficulty setting boundaries, and struggles in forming healthy relationships.

8. Lack of respect for boundaries

Emotionally immature parents often struggle to set healthy boundaries with our children, leading to a lack of privacy, personal space, or autonomy. This can manifest in various ways, such as invading our children’s rooms without knocking, reading our diaries or personal messages, or interfering excessively in our friendships and romantic relationships. 

These boundary violations can make children feel disrespected, untrusted, or even violated. They may also struggle to develop our own boundaries and assert our needs in other relationships, leading to feelings of resentment or exploitation.

9. Quick to misinterpret communication as a threat or criticism

Emotionally immature parents may have a tendency to misinterpret our children’s communication as a personal attack or criticism, causing them to react defensively or aggressively. This hypersensitivity to perceived threats can create a hostile and tense environment, where children feel afraid to express our feelings or opinions for fear of triggering our parents’ reactivity. 

These defensive reactions can also make it difficult for parents to hear and understand our children’s perspectives, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. Children may learn to avoid confrontation, suppress our emotions, or internalize blame in order to avoid our parents’ defensive reactions.

10. Neglectful

Emotionally immature parents may struggle to meet our children’s emotional needs, leaving them feeling emotionally neglected or unfulfilled. This inability to provide emotional support can manifest in various ways, such as dismissing our children’s feelings, failing to provide comfort during times of distress, or being unable to validate our children’s emotions. 

As a result, children may develop coping mechanisms such as emotional detachment, self-soothing behaviors, or codependent relationships to meet our emotional needs. These coping mechanisms can lead to emotional difficulties in adulthood, such as attachment issues, anxiety, or depression.

11. Hold grudges

Emotionally immature parents may hold onto grudges, refusing to forgive or move past past conflicts or disagreements. This tendency can create ongoing tension and resentment within the family, making it difficult for children to feel safe and secure. 

Children who grow up with parents who hold grudges may feel caught in the middle of conflicts, or may learn to suppress our own emotions and opinions to avoid triggering our parents’ anger. They may also struggle to develop healthy conflict resolution skills, as they have not witnessed positive role models for resolving disagreements. 

12. Critical 

Emotionally immature parents may be overly critical of our children, focusing on our flaws and mistakes rather than acknowledging our strengths and accomplishments. This constant criticism can erode children’s self-esteem, leaving them feeling inadequate, unworthy, or even ashamed. 

Children who grow up with critical parents may internalize these negative messages, leading to self-doubt, perfectionism, or fear of failure. They may also struggle to trust our own instincts or feel confident in our abilities.

The impact of emotionally immature parents

The impact of having emotionally immature parents can be significant and long-lasting. Children of emotionally immature parents may experience various emotional, social, and psychological challenges that can affect our well-being and development.

1. Low self-esteem

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can result in children internalizing negative messages and criticism, leading to feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth. This low self-esteem can persist into adulthood, affecting various aspects of life, including relationships, career choices, and overall well-being. Children who receive limited emotional validation and support may struggle to value our own needs and accomplishments, leading to a distorted self-image and difficulties in asserting themselves or pursuing our goals.

2. Difficulty regulating emotions

Emotionally immature parents may not provide a stable or nurturing environment for children to learn how to manage our emotions effectively. This lack of emotional regulation modeling can result in children struggling to identify, express, or cope with our feelings in healthy ways. They may experience intense emotional outbursts, mood swings, or become emotionally detached as a means of self-protection. In adulthood, these individuals may face challenges in managing stress, maintaining healthy relationships, or coping with life’s challenges.

3. Attachment issues

Inconsistent or emotionally unavailable parenting can disrupt the formation of secure attachments, which are crucial for healthy emotional development and relationships. Children of emotionally immature parents may develop anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles, which can manifest in difficulties forming intimate connections, trusting others, or feeling emotionally safe. This can lead to a cycle of unhealthy relationships or social isolation.

4. Anxiety and depression

Chronic stress from growing up with emotionally immature parents can have lasting effects on mental health, potentially leading to anxiety disorders or depression. The constant emotional turmoil, unpredictability, or lack of emotional support can create a sense of fear, instability, or hopelessness. These mental health issues may persist into adulthood, affecting daily functioning, relationships, and overall quality of life.

5. Difficulty setting boundaries

Children who grow up with parents who frequently violate our boundaries may struggle to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in our own relationships. This can result in codependency, where individuals neglect our own needs to take care of others, or being more susceptible to exploitation or manipulation. 

Learning to set and maintain boundaries is essential for building healthy relationships and a strong sense of self. This can be developed through therapy, assertiveness training, and seeking support from healthy role models.

6. Isolation and loneliness

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. When children are not emotionally supported, understood, or connected with our parents, they may feel disconnected from our families and those around them. 

This can result in difficulty forming meaningful relationships, difficulty trusting others, or difficulty sharing emotions, all of which can contribute to a sense of loneliness and isolation. The unpredictable or volatile environment created by emotionally immature parents may make children hesitant to seek support or connection from others, leading to further isolation.

7. Fear of intimacy

Emotionally immature parents may create an environment that does not foster vulnerability or emotional closeness, leading to difficulties with intimacy in adulthood. Children who do not experience healthy emotional connections or feel emotionally unsafe may struggle to develop trust, openness, and vulnerability in our relationships. 

This fear of intimacy can result in emotional detachment, avoidance of close relationships, or difficulties expressing emotions. Addressing this fear may involve therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, to explore and challenge the underlying beliefs and fears associated with intimacy.

8. Fear of abandonment

Fear of abandonment is a common issue for those who have emotionally immature parents. When children do not receive consistent emotional support, validation, or predictability in our relationships with our parents, they may develop a fear that the people close to them will leave or abandon them. 

This fear can manifest in various ways, such as clinginess, avoidance of relationships, or difficulty trusting others. People with a fear of abandonment may also engage in self-sabotaging behaviors to push people away, reaffirming our belief that they are unworthy of love and connection.

9. A need for constant validation

The need for validation is often prominent in people who have experienced emotionally immature parenting. When parents do not provide adequate emotional support or recognition, children may develop an intense need for validation from others. This can lead to a dependency on external sources of approval, such as friends, romantic partners, or authority figures. 

People may constantly seek reassurance, praise, or acceptance to fill the emotional void left by our parents. This constant need for validation can result in people-pleasing behaviors, low self-esteem, or difficulty making decisions based on our own needs and desires.

10. Emotionally unhealthy coping mechanisms

Children of emotionally immature parents may develop unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms as a way to deal with the stress, anxiety, and emotional pain caused by our upbringing. One common coping mechanism is substance abuse, where individuals use drugs or alcohol as a way to numb our feelings or escape from our emotional struggles. 

Substance abuse can become a vicious cycle, providing temporary relief but ultimately exacerbating the underlying emotional issues. Other unhealthy coping mechanisms may include self-harm, disordered eating, excessive spending, or risky behaviors.

How to heal from emotionally immature parents

Healing from the experiences of having emotionally immature parents is a journey that involves self-awareness, acceptance, and personal growth. 

A significant part of this healing process is recognizing and letting go of the unrealistic expectations or fantasies one might have held onto regarding our parents.

Children of emotionally immature parents often believe that if they change our own behavior or try harder to please our parents, they can somehow elicit a more emotionally responsive and supportive relationship.

The danger of attempting to constantly adapt and please emotionally immature parents is that you may become overly self-sacrificing, losing your sense of self in the process, which negatively impacts your mental health. 

In an effort to gain the love and emotional support you crave, you may engage in people-pleasing behaviors, suppressing your own needs, desires, and voice. Over time, this can lead to a loss of personal identity, diminished self-worth, and feelings of resentment or anger.

Rather than distorting yourself to fit the expectations of your emotionally immature parents and lashing out when our needs are not met, it’s better to accept your parents’ limitations. 

This involves acknowledging that your parents are stuck in the past, they are children and are emotionally underdeveloped, and that they don’t have the capacity to provide emotional support and understanding.

Instead of trying to control your relationship with your parents, and hoping that they can change, focus on what you CAN control instead.

Although you can’t choose your biological family, you can choose your soul family and surround yourself with emotionally mature, empathetic friends who can provide those emotional needs of support and validation.

Gabor Maté, renowned physician says “In certain circumstances, you cannot heal yourself by going back to the people who hurt you. That doesn’t work.”

It isn’t advisable to seek healing and emotional validation from parents who are emotionally immature and have caused significant pain and trauma. Trying to engage with them may only exacerbate the problem and lead to further emotional distress.

By prioritizing your emotional well-being and developing healthy relationships, you can break free from the destructive cycle of trying to change emotionally immature parents and trying to gain an apology or accountability. 

Instead of trying to seek healing from your parents, you can seek healing inside of yourself, by healing the parts of you that are holding hurt and pain from our lack of approval and nurturing.

You can begin by setting boundaries with your parents, managing expectations and seeking emotional validation from a therapist who can help you reparent yourself and release the stored emotional energy of trauma from your mind and body with somatic therapy and inner child work.

This helps you to take your power back and safeguards you from further disappointment and emotional harm.

How internal family systems therapy can help

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can be an effective approach in healing from the impacts of emotionally immature parents. This therapeutic modality recognizes that individuals possess various “parts” or sub-personalities that serve different functions in response to life experiences, such as emotional harm and neglect. By utilizing IFS therapy, individuals can work on identifying these parts and understanding how they have been influenced by our parents’ emotional immaturity.

Through the process of meeting these impacted parts with love, compassion, and understanding, individuals can begin to heal and integrate these parts into a more cohesive sense of self. This involves acknowledging the pain and trauma these parts have experienced, providing them with the emotional validation and support they lacked, and fostering a sense of self-compassion.

By addressing the various parts that have been influenced by emotionally immature parents, individuals can work towards developing healthier coping strategies, establishing boundaries, and forming more secure relationships.

If you’re ready to begin, you can view my availability here.