Inner Child Abandonment Healing: A Journey to Emotional Wholeness

Before embarking on inner child abandonment healing, it’s important to understand a key principle of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy: healing begins with inviting your Self energy and befriending the parts of yourself that have been protecting you. In IFS, the Self is the compassionate, centered, and wise part of your mind capable of leading the healing process. Protective parts—such as critics, avoiders, or anxious parts—develop to shield your inner child from pain.

Before working directly with your inner child, it’s crucial to approach these protectors with curiosity and compassion, building trust and even asking for their permission to engage with the wounded inner child. Doing so creates a safer, more effective healing process.

Understanding IFS Therapy

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, developed by Richard Schwartz, is a form of psychotherapy that views the mind as a system of different “parts,” each with its own emotions, beliefs, and roles. These parts are not inherently bad—they emerge to protect us from pain or help us cope with difficult experiences. In addition to these parts, there is the Self, which is naturally compassionate, curious, and calm. Healing occurs when the Self takes a leadership role in coordinating and nurturing other parts.

For people with abandonment wounds, IFS provides a roadmap to understand how different parts interact. Some parts hold old pain, sadness, or fear from childhood experiences of neglect or abandonment. Other parts act as protectors, often in ways that may seem confusing or self-sabotaging but are meant to keep us safe.

Key elements of IFS in inner child abandonment healing include:

1. Identifying wounded inner child parts – Parts carrying trauma from emotional neglect or abandonment.
2. Recognizing protective parts – Parts that develop coping mechanisms to shield the inner child from further harm.
3. Accessing Self energy – The calm, wise, and compassionate core that can nurture and guide healing.
4. Building trust between parts – Befriending protective parts and gaining their permission to engage with the inner child.

IFS allows individuals to approach their internal world with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment, making it an incredibly effective framework for inner child abandonment healing.

Understanding the Impact of Abandonment

Abandonment can take many forms, from physical absence to emotional neglect or inconsistency in caregiving. Regardless of the type, these experiences leave a lasting impression on the developing psyche. The inner child—the part of us that holds early experiences—may carry fear, loneliness, or feelings of unworthiness well into adulthood.

Many adults who experienced abandonment develop coping strategies that protect them from further pain but may limit connection and joy. These patterns can include:

• Overthinking and worry
• Choosing unavailable or emotionally distant partners
• People-pleasing and difficulty asserting boundaries
• Anxiety or panic when someone withdraws
• Avoidance of vulnerability

Inner child abandonment healing focuses on identifying these patterns, understanding their origins, and nurturing the inner child in ways that create emotional safety and self-acceptance.

Steps for Inner Child Abandonment Healing

Before beginning the specific steps of healing, it’s important to remember that many people who fear abandonment carry a system of protective parts. Befriending these parts is the first step. Protective parts may show up as:

• Worrying or overthinking parts – constantly scanning for potential rejection or abandonment.
• People-pleasing parts – attempting to earn love and prevent rejection.
• Boundary-struggling parts – difficulty saying no or asserting needs.
• Panic parts – reacting strongly when someone seems to pull away.
• Attraction to unavailable partners – repeating patterns that echo early abandonment experiences.

By acknowledging and befriending these protectors, you create a safer internal environment for your inner child to emerge and be nurtured.

1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Wounds

The first step in inner child abandonment healing is recognition. Accept that your inner child experienced neglect or abandonment and that your feelings are valid. Journaling or discussing experiences with a trusted friend or therapist can help articulate emotions that have long been suppressed.

2. Connect With Your Inner Child

Use visualization or meditative practices to meet your inner child. Picture yourself as a child and invite them to share what they need. Approach this interaction with curiosity and gentleness. Listening without judgment fosters trust and creates a foundation for healing.

3. Offer Comfort and Nurturing

Treat your inner child as you would a real child in need of care. Offer reassurance, emotional support, and understanding. This practice replaces old neglect with consistent, compassionate presence—an essential step in inner child abandonment healing.

4. Recognize Protective Patterns

Protective parts often develop as a response to early abandonment. While their intentions are good—keeping the inner child safe—they may create challenging patterns in adulthood. Recognize behaviors like overthinking, people-pleasing, boundary struggles, or repeated unhealthy relationship patterns as expressions of these protective parts rather than flaws in yourself. Awareness allows you to respond consciously, rather than reactively.

5. Set Boundaries and Prioritize Self-Care

Creating a safe environment in the present is a critical part of inner child abandonment healing. Learning to set healthy boundaries and prioritize self-care demonstrates to your inner child that it is safe and valued. This step also helps reduce the overactivity of protective parts, which often act out when boundaries are weak or needs are unmet.

6. Engage in Play and Creativity

Play and creative expression are powerful tools for reconnecting with your inner child. Activities such as drawing, dancing, writing, or exploring nature allow joy, freedom, and self-expression to flourish. These moments strengthen the sense of safety and self-acceptance essential for inner child abandonment healing.

7. Seek Professional Guidance

Professional support, particularly through IFS therapy, can help navigate complex emotions safely and effectively. A therapist can facilitate interactions between your Self, protective parts, and wounded inner child, providing guidance, structure, and emotional containment throughout the healing process.

The Role of Compassion and Openness

Inner child abandonment healing is not only about addressing trauma but also cultivating compassion and openness. Compassion allows you to support your inner child and protective parts without judgment. Openness encourages confronting difficult emotions, embracing vulnerability, and remaining receptive to the healing process.

Without compassion, attempts at healing can feel harsh or self-critical, reinforcing old wounds. Without openness, painful emotions may be avoided, leaving your inner child unheard. By nurturing both, you create an internal environment where true transformation can occur.

Compassion and openness also extend outward, improving relationships with others. As we heal internally, we develop greater empathy, patience, and authenticity in our interactions. Healing the inner child is not just personal—it’s relational.

Long-Term Benefits of Inner Child Abandonment Healing

Although the journey may take time, the benefits of inner child abandonment healing are profound. People who engage in this work often notice:

• Improved self-esteem and self-worth
• Healthier, more authentic relationships
• Greater emotional resilience and regulation
• Enhanced self-awareness and personal growth
• Increased capacity for empathy and compassion

Ultimately, inner child abandonment healing allows us to reclaim parts of ourselves that were lost or suppressed due to early neglect. It transforms fear into courage, insecurity into confidence, and abandonment into self-love.

Embracing the Journey

The journey of inner child abandonment healing requires patience, commitment, and self-compassion. By inviting your Self energy, befriending protective parts, and practicing nurturing steps, you can reconnect with your inner child and create a safe, loving internal environment. Healing is not about erasing the past but honoring it while cultivating a stronger, more compassionate present and future.

Every step taken in this journey strengthens trust in yourself, opens the door to vulnerability, and supports authentic living. Your inner child deserves to be seen, heard, and loved and through dedicated inner child abandonment healing, you can provide precisely that.

9 IFS Exercises for Anxiety: A Compassionate Path to Inner Calm

Anxiety is one of the most common emotional experiences, and yet when it shows up, it often feels intensely personal and deeply overwhelming. You might feel a racing mind, tight chest, spiralling thoughts, uncertainty about the future, or a general sense of dread that’s hard to pinpoint. Most people respond by pushing these uncomfortable feelings away, forcing themselves to “stay strong,” or trying to outthink or outrun anxiety.

But resistance usually makes anxiety louder.

That’s where Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a refreshingly different approach. Instead of fighting anxiety, you build a relationship with it. You learn that anxiety is not a personal flaw or a problem to eliminate. It is a part of you that is genuinely trying to help.

This compassionate framework is at the heart of ifs exercises for anxiety. These practices help you slow down, tune into your internal world, meet your emotions with gentleness, and calm your system in lasting, meaningful ways.

Before exploring these exercises, let’s begin with the foundations.

What Is IFS?

Internal Family Systems, created by Dr. Richard Schwartz, is a therapeutic model that understands the mind as a system of different “parts.” Each part has its own emotions, needs, and beliefs. You might notice:

A part that worries
A part that wants to keep you safe
A part that feels young or overwhelmed
A part that demands perfection
A part that avoids discomfort
A part that tries to manage every detail

IFS views these parts not as problems but as protectors doing their best.

At the core of your system is your Self; your calm, confident, compassionate inner presence. Self-energy is not something you need to earn; it’s always there. The goal of IFS is not to eliminate parts but to help them trust your Self enough that they can relax, soften, and transform.

This makes ifs exercises for anxiety incredibly powerful, because these practices help you shift from reacting to anxiety to relating to it.

Understanding Anxiety Through the IFS Lens

Anxiety is not an enemy. In IFS, anxiety is a protective part. It is trying to warn you, prepare you, remind you, or shield you from potential harm. Often this part carries burdens from the past (such as, old fears, unresolved stress, or outdated beliefs like):

“I must stay alert to stay safe.”
“If I relax, something bad will happen.”
“I’m not allowed to make mistakes.”
“It’s dangerous to be unprepared.”

These burdens are not your essence. They are learned responses that were once helpful but are now exhausting. When you begin using ifs exercises for anxiety, you start to understand this anxious part more deeply, easing its fears and helping it soften.

Now, let’s explore the practices that help bring calm, connection, and clarity into your system.

1. Practice Noticing the Emotions: “I Am Feeling Anxious Right Now”

The first of the ifs exercises for anxiety is simple but profound: notice the emotion as it arises. Instead of getting swept away, pause and acknowledge what is happening.

Try saying:

“I am feeling anxious right now.”
“I notice some anxiety here.”
“This is anxiety moving through me.”

This moment of awareness interrupts the automatic stress response. The brain interprets awareness as safety. By noticing anxiety instead of reacting to it, you begin to build internal space.

2. Mindfully Separate From the Part: “A Part of Me Is Anxious”

IFS teaches that language matters. When you say “I am anxious,” you merge with the emotion. But anxiety is not the whole you. It is only one part.

Try shifting to:

“A part of me is anxious.”
“I notice a worried part here.”
“There is a protective part showing up.”

This is one of the essential ifs exercises for anxiety because it allows your Self to step forward. When you step back from the anxious part, you gain perspective, grounding, and emotional space.

Once separated, you can add gentle appreciation:

“I see you.”
“I know you’re trying to help.”
“I appreciate your effort.”

This helps the part relax instead of escalate.

3. Extend Appreciation to Your Parts

One of the most transformative ifs exercises for anxiety is learning to thank the part rather than resisting it.

Try saying:

“Thank you for being here.”
“Thank you for loving me enough to worry.”
“Thank you for protecting me.”
“Thank you for reminding me of what feels important.”

Anxiety softens when it feels acknowledged. Appreciation helps dismantle inner conflict and builds trust within your system.

4. Name the Emotion and the Sensations

Naming your feelings calms the amygdala. Many people are surprised by how effective this is. Simply saying:

“My chest feels tight.”
“My stomach is fluttery.”
“My shoulders are tense.”
“This feels like fear.”

creates a soothing internal effect. It also prevents the mind from spiraling.

This is one of the simplest and most grounding ifs exercises for anxiety because it anchors you in the present moment.

5. Practice Listening: “What Do You Want Me to Know?”

An anxious part always carries a message. Instead of pushing it away, get curious. Ask:

“What are you afraid of right now?”
“What do you want me to understand?”
“What feels hard for you?”
“What do you need?”
“What would help you feel safer?”

Even if you don’t hear clear answers, you’re signaling that you are willing to listen — and this alone builds trust.

Listening is one of the foundational ifs exercises for anxiety because it opens communication instead of suppression.

6. Practice Compassion and Validation

Compassion is your safety anchor. When you validate the anxious part, the internal system softens.

Try saying:

“It makes sense you feel anxious.”
“I understand why this matters to you.”
“You’ve been carrying a lot.”
“Of course you’re overwhelmed. This is a lot.”

Validation does not reinforce anxiety; it soothes it. It tells the anxious part: You’re not alone anymore.

7. Start a Parts Journal

A parts journal is one of the most effective long-term ifs exercises for anxiety. After moments of stress, write about:

Which part showed up
What triggered it
What it felt like
What it feared
How you responded
What helped it soften
What it might need next time

This helps you understand your internal patterns and strengthens your relationship with your parts. Over time, the anxious part becomes easier to recognize, soothe, and support.

8. Body Scan Meditation

A body scan reconnects you with your body, grounding you in the present moment. It directs attention away from anxious thoughts and back into physical awareness.

Move your attention slowly from head to toe, noticing sensations with curiosity. This practice works beautifully alongside ifs exercises for anxiety because it brings you into a state of calm presence that allows Self-energy to emerge.

9. Invite Self-Energy

Self-energy is the heart of IFS. It is the calm, compassionate, spacious awareness within you.

To invite Self-energy, ask:

“Can I bring curiosity right now?”
“Is there a little compassion available?”
“Can I soften toward this part just 5 percent?”

Even a small shift opens the door to Self.

One of the most powerful ifs exercises for anxiety is this simple invitation. Anxiety begins to calm the moment Self steps forward, because the part no longer feels alone or responsible for managing everything.

When Self is present, healing begins.

How IFS Therapy Helps Anxiety Heal

IFS therapy is especially effective for anxiety because it changes the internal relationship between you and your emotions. Instead of fighting your anxious parts, you learn to befriend them. Instead of suppressing or judging them, you listen. Instead of abandoning them, you show up with compassion.

Below are some of the key ways IFS helps anxiety soften and eventually unburden.

Befriending the Parts Instead of Fighting Them

When you fight anxiety, anxiety fights back. When you tell it to stop, it gets louder. When you ignore it, it panics.

But when you say:

“Thank you for trying to protect me,”
“I’m here with you,”
“I’m listening,”

the anxious part feels safer and begins to calm.

This mindset shift is central to ifs exercises for anxiety because befriending your parts dissolves internal resistance and tension.

Reducing Fear and Stress Within the System

Many people don’t realize that anxiety often sets off a chain reaction in the inner system. A worried part may activate a perfectionist part, which then triggers a fearful part, which awakens a self-critical part. The system becomes overloaded.

IFS helps you understand these dynamics and bring compassion to each part. When the anxious part feels supported, other protector parts also soften.

This is why ifs exercises for anxiety create such deep and lasting relief.

Healing and Unburdening the Roots of Anxiety

At the core of IFS is unburdening, which is about helping parts release the old emotions, fears, beliefs, or memories they’ve been carrying. Many anxious parts hold burdens from childhood or past stressful experiences.

Through gentle attention and connection, these parts can finally release the weight they’ve held for years.

Unburdening has many benefits:

improves emotional regulation
reduces chronic stress
increases feelings of safety
creates deeper internal calm
releases stored tension in the body

This is one of the reasons ifs exercises for anxiety create profound transformation: you’re not just managing symptoms, you’re healing root causes.

Creating Lasting Calm and Strengthening Your Adult Self

As you practice ifs exercises for anxiety, your Self-energy grows stronger. You become more grounded, compassionate, steady, and resilient. Your parts begin to trust your leadership. They no longer feel they must protect you so intensely.

Over time, anxiety no longer dominates. It becomes a small voice, not a loud alarm.

Your internal world becomes a kinder, calmer place.

If You Resonate With This Work and Want Support

If these practices speak to you, or if you feel called to explore your inner world with guidance, support, and compassion, you may benefit from working with IFS therapy. Whether your goal is reducing anxiety, strengthening your adult Self, unburdening old emotional patterns, or developing a loving relationship with your inner parts, support is available.

If you would like help applying these ifs exercises for anxiety to your life or would like a safe space to explore your internal system, you are welcome to get in touch on my home page. Together we can help your system feel more grounded, connected and at ease.

12 Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships

Have you ever felt like something’s not right in your relationship, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Sometimes, relationships can become unhealthy and even abusive without us realising it.

Emotional abuse is one of those situations where things might start subtly but often escalates over time into persistent, harmful behaviour. We might even think this person is caring and attentive, but then later down the line we realise it wasn’t care, it was control.

Emotional abuse happens when a person tries to control you, make you scared, or keep you away from friends and family. While it doesn’t involve physically hurting you, it can still leave deep emotional wounds. Remember, even though emotional abuse doesn’t involve physical harm, it’s still very serious and can have long-lasting effects on your well-being.

Ongoing abusive behaviors can have a more significant impact on your mental health compared to a single event. If the abuse is part of a larger pattern, the effects can be more severe and lead to mental health difficulties, such as depression, anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

It’s important to remember that any red flags need to be taken as warning signs that signal “do not escalate the relationship further”. Remove yourself from the space and take your time to get the support you need and process your feelings. 

When you notice these signs of emotional abuse and take space from the relationship, an abusive person might try to pull you back into the relationship with fake apologies to control you, guilt (“I do so much for you) and emotional manipulation (“you’ll go off with other men”).

It’s important to take your time and always put yourself first.

Put your feelings first. 

Put your needs first. 

Put yourself first and safeguard your physical and emotional wellbeing. 

Don’t let someone else rush you, pressure you or pull you back into an unhealthy dynamic when your gut is telling you “RUN”.

If you’re feeling lonely or isolated this can make you vulnerable to emotional abuse in relationships. However, there is support out there from people who are informed about emotional abuse, can validate your experiences, share psycho-education on power and control dynamics, give you emotional support and guidance.

Remember, often in relationships the one red flag we ignore early on in the relationship becomes the reason we leave the relationship later down the line. Listen to your gut. Your gut is your body’s signal to protect you. 

Sometimes unprocessed trauma from our childhood can make it difficult to trust our own gut and we struggle with self trust, making us vulnerable to emotional manipulation. 

For example, when we have stored energy of anxiety in the body or fear of abandonment, we can struggle to trust ourselves because our fears are greater than our intuition, and sometimes what is familiar may be a controlling relationship with a parent, and what is familiar often feels safe.

Often our relationship dynamics are unconscious, and we may find ourselves repeating similar patterns in our relationships without fully understanding why. These unconscious patterns can lead us to seek out partners who mirror the dynamics we experienced in our early relationships with parents or caregivers, even if those dynamics were unhealthy or controlling. The familiarity of these patterns can make us feel safe, even if they ultimately cause harm.

Breaking free from these unconscious patterns requires self-awareness, healing, and learning to trust our intuition. By addressing our fears and anxieties, we can begin to recognise the signs of emotional abuse and create healthier relationships that truly support our well-being.

So whilst you read this blog and educate yourself on the signs of emotional abuse. Take your time. Don’t let anyone pressure or rush you. There is no rush. You have a right to leave a relationship if you feel unsafe. You have a right to change your mind about someone. You don’t owe anyone anything. 

Put yourself first and seek support from a professional, call abuse helplines and people you trust. 

So with that, let’s look at the 12 signs of emotional abuse in relationships and you’ll be better equipped to identify if your relationship is heading down an unhealthy path.

1 – Belittling 

Belittling is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to make their partners feel small, incompetent, or inferior. This can take many forms, such as mocking your accomplishments, dismissing your opinions, or making you feel like you can’t do anything right. Over time, this constant belittlement can wear down your self-esteem and make you doubt your abilities. Belittling is a way for abusers to maintain control by making you reliant on their approval and validation. It’s essential to recognize the signs of belittling and remember that you deserve a partner who supports and encourages you, not someone who tears you down.

2 – Crossing boundaries

Boundary-crossing is a major red flag in any relationship, especially when it’s part of an emotionally abusive dynamic. Emotional abusers often disregard or violate their partner’s boundaries, whether they’re physical, emotional, or digital. This could manifest as pressuring you to do things you’re uncomfortable with, constantly invading your personal space, or refusing to respect your need for alone time. 

Boundary-crossing can also involve going through your phone or social media accounts without permission or insisting on knowing your passwords. These violations of trust and privacy can make you feel trapped, powerless, and unable to maintain healthy personal boundaries. Remember that setting and enforcing boundaries is crucial for your well-being and a key aspect of any healthy relationship.

3 – Yelling

Yelling is a common and unsettling tactic used by emotional abusers to intimidate and manipulate their partners. It’s a way for abusers to assert their dominance and make you feel afraid or powerless. Yelling can occur during arguments, when they don’t get their way, or even as a response to minor mistakes. This constant fear of being yelled at can cause you to walk on eggshells, always trying to avoid setting off the abuser’s temper. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of helplessness. Yelling is not a normal or acceptable part of a healthy relationship, and it’s crucial to recognize this behavior for what it is: a form of emotional abuse.

4 – Gaslighting 

Gaslighting is a particularly insidious form of emotional abuse that involves manipulating you into questioning your own memory, perception, and sanity. Abusers who use gaslighting will deny saying things, twist your words, or flat-out lie, all in an effort to make you doubt yourself and rely more heavily on their version of reality. This can cause you to second-guess your own instincts and feel like you’re going crazy. Gaslighting is a powerful tool for emotional abusers, as it erodes your trust in yourself and your ability to make sense of the world around you. If you find yourself constantly doubting your own memory or questioning your sanity, it’s possible you’re experiencing gaslighting, and it’s crucial to reach out for support and help.

Example of gaslighting phrases may be:

• “You’re crazy”.
• “You’re imagining things”.

5 – Isolation

Isolation is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to maintain control over their partners. By isolating their victim from family, friends, or other support systems, the abuser can make the victim feel dependent on them, more vulnerable, and less likely to leave the relationship. 

Isolation can take many forms, such as prohibiting contact with others, controlling transportation or access to resources, or even shaming the victim for spending time with others. Over time, this type of behavior can lead to feelings of loneliness, depression, and low self-worth, as the victim begins to believe they are unworthy of support or connection with others. It’s crucial to recognize the signs of isolation and seek help if you feel that someone is trying to separate you from your support system or limit your autonomy.

6 – Guilting

Guilting is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to manipulate and control their partners. Abusers who use guilting often make their partners feel responsible for their own emotions, actions, or problems. They might say things like “If you loved me, you would do X” or “I do so much for you and you reject me”. 

These statements can make you feel like you’re constantly falling short or not doing enough, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy. Guilting can also involve playing the victim or using emotional blackmail to get their way. By recognising the signs of guilting, you can protect yourself from this form of emotional abuse and set healthy boundaries in your relationships.

It is important to remember that your emotional needs and boundaries are valid and should be respected in any relationship.

7 – Accusing

Accusing someone without a valid reason is a common tactic used by emotional abusers to manipulate and control their partners. The abuser may make unfounded accusations of infidelity, dishonesty, or other wrongdoings in order to deflect attention from their own behavior, keep their partner on the defensive, and maintain an upper hand in the relationship. 

These accusations can be incredibly damaging to the victim’s self-esteem, making them feel like they must constantly defend themselves or prove their loyalty. Over time, this pattern of behavior can lead the victim to doubt their own perception of reality and become increasingly reliant on the abuser for validation. Accusing is a form of emotional abuse that undermines trust, erodes personal boundaries, and fosters a toxic dynamic in the relationship.

8 – Criticising 

Criticizing can become emotionally abusive when it is constant, degrading, and serves to undermine the victim’s self-esteem. An emotionally abusive criticizer will often attack their partner’s character, personality, appearance, or abilities, often using hurtful language and personal insults. This type of criticism goes beyond constructive feedback and serves only to tear the victim down, making them feel inadequate and unworthy. Over time, constant criticism can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and low self-worth, as the victim begins to internalize the abuser’s negative messages. Criticizing is a form of emotional abuse that can have serious long-term consequences for the victim’s mental health and well-being.

9 – Blaming

Blaming is another tactic used by emotional abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions and shift the blame onto their partners. Abusers who use blaming will find fault with everything you do, making you feel like you’re always in the wrong. They might say things like “You made me do it” or “This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t done X.” 

This constant blaming can erode your self-esteem and cause you to doubt your own judgment. Blaming is a way for abusers to maintain control by making you believe that you’re the problem, when in reality, the problem lies with their abusive behavior. Recognizing the signs of blaming is crucial in order to protect yourself from this form of emotional abuse and take back control of your own life.

10 – Shaming

Shaming is an emotionally abusive tactic that involves making you feel embarrassed, humiliated, or unworthy. Abusers who use shaming might criticize your appearance, your personality, or your choices, often in front of others. They might make jokes at your expense, point out your flaws, or call you names. Shaming is designed to break down your self-esteem and make you feel like you’re not good enough. An example may be “You’re waiting for the next man to run through you”.

Over time, this can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and low self-worth. It’s essential to recognize the signs of shaming and remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity in all your relationships. Shaming is a form of emotional abuse, and it’s never okay or justified. 

11 – Emotional blackmail

Emotional blackmail is a tactic commonly used by emotional abusers to manipulate and control their victims. By using threats, guilt, or other forms of coercion, abusers can force their partners to act in ways that benefit the abuser, often at the expense of the victim’s own well-being. This type of behavior is emotionally abusive because it strips the victim of their agency and independence, making them feel like they have no choice but to comply with the abuser’s demands. 

This can start off subtle in the beginning with things like “my ex cheated on me”, so that you see them as a victim. Often people who are vulnerable to emotional abuse are empathetic and their empathy is exploited.

This can be damaging to a victim’s self-esteem, leading them to doubt their own judgment and blame themselves for the abuse they’re experiencing. If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional blackmail in a relationship, it’s important to seek help and support, as this type of abuse can have serious long-term effects on mental health and well-being.

12 – Sleep deprivation

Abusers may use sleep deprivation as a tactic to control and weaken their partners. By interrupting or preventing sleep, the abuser can make the victim feel physically exhausted, emotionally drained, and less able to resist manipulation or coercion. Sleep deprivation can cause a range of physical symptoms, including fatigue, headaches, and difficulty concentrating, as well as mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and mood swings. Over time, sleep deprivation can erode the victim’s ability to function normally and increase their vulnerability to further abuse. It’s important to recognize the signs of sleep deprivation and seek help if you feel that someone is intentionally interfering with your ability to get rest.

Consider therapy

If you’re in a relationship with someone who displays signs of emotional abuse and red flags but you feel confused and self doubt, therapy can provide much needed support.

Or if you’ve left the relationship and realize how much it’s impacted your mental health and you’re experiencing depression, anxiety or PTSD, therapy can help you navigate confusing emotions, regain confidence, and address any resulting depression, anxiety, or PTSD. 

Having a compassion-focused approach helps people to go on an empathetic journey of meeting the parts of them affected by emotional abuse, fostering self-love, self-compassion and healing. 

An overview of internal family systems therapy

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is a compassion-focused approach that focuses on healing the different parts of ourselves, or “inner family.” 

IFS can help you connect with the parts of you that have been hurt, developing a deeper understanding of how these experiences have shaped your thoughts and behaviors. 

By fostering self-compassion and awareness, IFS therapy empowers you to integrate these wounded parts into your overall sense of self, reducing feelings of guilt, shame and self-blame. Through this process, you can develop healthier relationships with yourself and others, enhancing your overall well-being and ability to cope with past trauma. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

7 Signs of Emotional Safety in a Relationship

Have you ever found yourself holding back in your relationship, afraid to express your true feelings for fear of being judged? You’re not alone. 

Many people struggle with the need for emotional safety in their relationships, which is all about feeling secure and comfortable enough to be vulnerable with your partner.

Let’s say you’ve had a bad day at work and want to vent to your partner, but you worry they’ll judge you for being too sensitive. Or maybe you want to share your excitement about a new hobby, but you’re scared they’ll think it’s silly. These are signs that emotional safety might be lacking in your relationship.

What is emotional safety?

Emotional safety in a relationship is the sense of security and comfort you feel when you know that your partner accepts and values you for who you are. It means that you can share your deepest thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment, rejection, or dismissal. Emotional safety is built on mutual trust, respect, and understanding. It allows you to be vulnerable and authentic with your partner, knowing that they have your back and won’t use your feelings against you. 

But what happens when we don’t have emotional safety?

Let’s you’re on a date with someone who seems charming and attractive at first, but as the night progresses, they start making subtle jabs at your appearance, your job, or your interests. 

They might even dismiss your concerns when you bring them up, or make you feel like you’re overreacting. In this situation, you might start to feel anxious, uncomfortable and small. 

These are all red flags that indicate a lack of emotional safety in your interaction. Someone who puts you down, judges you, or disrespects your feelings is not creating a safe space for you to be yourself. 

Instead, they’re making you feel small, inadequate, and unsafe. If you experience this kind of treatment on a date or in any relationship, it’s important to recognise that it’s not okay and take steps to protect your emotional well-being.

When we don’t feel emotionally safe, our bodies and minds react in a variety of ways to protect us from potential harm. Our brain’s limbic system, responsible for processing emotions and triggering the “fight or flight” response, kicks into high gear. We might experience physical symptoms like a racing heart, sweaty palms, or a knot in our stomach. Our thoughts might become scattered, and we might feel anxious, fearful, or even angry.

In an effort to shield ourselves from further pain or discomfort, we might resort to various coping mechanisms. 

Some people shut down emotionally, withdrawing from social interactions and avoiding vulnerability. Others might lash out, using anger or aggression to create a sense of control or safety. Others might freeze, feeling paralysed by fear or uncertainty.

Why is emotional safety important?

Emotional safety is essential for our overall well-being and the health of our relationships. When we feel emotionally safe, we’re able to express our feelings, communicate openly, and trust that our emotions will be respected and validated. This sense of security allows us to develop deeper connections with others, build stronger bonds, and feel supported in times of stress or vulnerability.

Without emotional safety, we may experience chronic stress, anxiety, and even physical health problems. Furthermore, our relationships may suffer as we struggle to communicate effectively, trust our partners, or feel secure in our interactions. By prioritising emotional safety in our lives, we can create a more stable, supportive, and fulfilling environment for ourselves and those around us.

7 signs of emotional safety in a relationship

1 – Respect 

Respect is a cornerstone of emotional safety in any relationship. It encompasses honoring each other’s feelings, beliefs, and boundaries without judgment or mockery. This includes refraining from belittling or diminishing your partner’s experiences and acknowledging their right to their own emotions and perspectives. 

Respecting each other’s bodily autonomy and personal boundaries is equally crucial, as it allows for a sense of security and trust within the relationship. By fostering a relationship built on mutual respect, partners can create a safe haven where emotional vulnerability is not only possible but encouraged, leading to deeper intimacy and connection.

2 – Emotional stability

Emotional stability plays a significant role in establishing emotional safety within a relationship. When partners exhibit consistent and level-headed emotional responses, it creates an environment where both individuals can feel secure and understood. 

This predictability helps build trust and open communication, enabling partners to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of unpredictable reactions. Moreover, emotional stability in a relationship suggests that each partner is committed to managing their emotions constructively, which is essential for navigating conflicts and overcoming challenges together. 

As such, observing emotional stability in your partner and within your relationship can be a reliable indicator of the emotional safety and overall health of your partnership.

3 – Accountability

Accountability is a crucial indicator of emotional safety within a relationship, as it demonstrates a partner’s willingness to take responsibility for their actions, words, and emotions. An accountable partner is able to acknowledge when they have made mistakes or caused harm, and they are committed to making amends and learning from their errors. 

This self-awareness and growth-oriented mindset not only strengthens the bond between partners but also establishes a foundation of trust and respect. By demonstrating accountability, partners show that they value each other’s feelings and are dedicated to maintaining a healthy, nurturing environment within their relationship. Ultimately, accountability is a key factor in creating and preserving emotional safety, as it promotes open communication, vulnerability, and mutual growth.

4 – Trust

Trust is a vital component of any emotionally safe relationship, serving as a barometer for the health and security of the partnership. When trust is present, partners feel confident in each other’s reliability, honesty, and commitment. They are able to depend on one another without fear of betrayal or disappointment, which fosters a sense of emotional security and intimacy. 

Furthermore, trust encourages open and honest communication, as both partners believe that their feelings and concerns will be taken seriously and handled with care. In essence, the presence of trust in a relationship is a strong indicator that it is emotionally safe, supportive, and built on a solid foundation of respect, understanding, and love.

5 – Open and honest communication

Open and honest communication is a vital element of an emotionally safe relationship. It allows partners to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment or retaliation. This transparency fosters trust and understanding, enabling couples to navigate challenges, resolve conflicts, and grow together as a team. 

Furthermore, open communication encourages vulnerability, which is essential for deepening emotional intimacy and connection. When partners feel comfortable sharing their authentic selves, they create a supportive environment where love, acceptance, and personal growth can flourish. In summary, the presence of open and honest communication in a relationship serves as a powerful indicator of emotional safety, trust, and a deep, lasting connection.

6 – Empathy

Empathy is a powerful indicator of emotional safety in any relationship, as it demonstrates a partner’s ability to understand and share the emotions of the other. An empathetic partner can put themselves in their significant other’s shoes, offering compassion, understanding, and support during difficult times. 

This emotional attunement not only strengthens the bond between partners but also creates a safe space for vulnerability and open communication. Furthermore, empathy encourages mutual growth and healing, as partners are better able to address each other’s needs and work together to overcome challenges. In essence, the presence of empathy within a relationship signifies a deep level of emotional safety, understanding, and connection that allows love to thrive.

7 – Space 

Space is an often overlooked but essential component of an emotionally safe relationship. Allowing each partner to maintain their individuality, pursue their interests, and spend time alone or with friends demonstrates trust and respect. This freedom fosters personal growth and happiness, which, in turn, can strengthen the bond between partners. 

Moreover, having space in a relationship prevents feelings of suffocation or codependency, which can lead to resentment and disharmony. In essence, when partners feel free to be themselves while also maintaining a close emotional connection, it signifies a relationship built on emotional safety, trust, and healthy boundaries.

Consider individual therapy

If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of emotionally unavailable or unstable relationships, individual therapy, such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, can be instrumental in breaking these patterns. By examining and understanding the parts of you that are drawn to these dynamics, you can begin to cultivate an environment of inner safety. 

This process allows you to become more aware of your emotions, triggers, and motivations, ultimately leading to healthier decision-making in relationships. 

As you work towards creating a safer internal environment, you’ll naturally be drawn to partners who support and nurture your emotional well-being. In essence, investing in individual therapy can empower you to develop self-awareness, make more conscious choices in relationships, and build a foundation of safety and stability within yourself.

Ready to create inner safety and reduce emotional distress? If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

12 Signs of Walking on Eggshells in Relationships

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around certain topics or people to avoid conflict or upsetting someone? This can be a difficult and exhausting way to live, and it can take a toll on our mental and emotional well-being. In this blog post, we’ll explore the signs of walking on eggshells, and offer some tips for breaking free from this pattern and cultivating healthier relationships.

Walking on eggshells is a phrase that describes the feeling of constant anxiety or fear of saying or doing something that might upset or offend someone else. This can lead to a sense of isolation, as we hold back from expressing our true thoughts and feelings, and a lack of authentic connection in our relationships. But why do we do this, and how can we break free from this cycle? Let’s dive in.

Many of us have experienced the pressure to walk on eggshells around certain people or in certain situations. Maybe you’ve avoided bringing up a sensitive topic with a loved one, or held back from expressing your true feelings to avoid conflict. This type of self-censorship can be a coping mechanism to maintain peace, but it can also have negative impacts on our mental health and relationships. In this post, we’ll explore why we walk on eggshells and offer strategies for building more authentic, fulfilling connections.

Have you ever questioned whether constantly walking on eggshells is a sign of emotional abuse? 

If so, it’s crucial to recognize that this is indeed an indicator of a toxic relationship. To help identify if you’re experiencing this dynamic, here are 12 signs of walking on eggshells:

1 – You’re more reserved

When you find yourself in a relationship that has you walking on eggshells, you may notice that you’re more reserved than usual. This can manifest as being more cautious with your words, actions, and even your emotions, for fear of triggering a negative reaction from your partner. You might hold back from sharing your true thoughts and feelings, or avoid expressing yourself authentically. 

This can lead to a sense of isolation and disconnection within the relationship, as you’re not fully able to be yourself or engage in open, honest communication. Over time, this constant self-censorship and emotional restraint can take a toll on your mental health, happiness, and overall well-being. This is a sign of a relationship that lacks emotional safety as you don’t feel like you can be yourself.

In a healthy relationship, you should never feel like a mere shell of yourself. Instead, you’ll experience a sense of freedom, authenticity, and acceptance that allows you to be your true self without fear of judgment or rejection.

2 – You feel anxious 

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, you may find yourself constantly worried about your partner’s reactions, mood swings, or potential outbursts. This worry can be all-consuming, affecting your daily thoughts and actions as you try to anticipate and avoid any possible triggers. You may feel anxious about doing or saying the wrong thing, or worry that your partner will become upset or angry without warning. 

This constant state of worry can be emotionally draining and exhausting, leaving you feeling emotionally depleted and on edge. Over time, this chronic stress can impact your mental and physical health, making it difficult to maintain a sense of well-being or happiness within the relationship.

3 – You stay silent

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, you may find yourself frequently staying silent to avoid conflict or upsetting your partner. This can manifest as withholding your thoughts, opinions, or feelings, or avoiding discussing certain topics altogether. You may fear that speaking up will lead to anger, rejection, or further tension in the relationship, so you choose to remain quiet instead. 

Over time, this silence can become a pattern of self-censorship that erodes your sense of agency, authenticity, and emotional connection within the relationship. You may feel increasingly isolated or disconnected from your partner, as you’re unable to fully express yourself or engage in open and honest communication. Ultimately, this dynamic of staying silent can take a toll on your mental health and well-being, leaving you feeling frustrated, unfulfilled, and trapped in a relationship that doesn’t allow you to be your true self.

4 – You are isolated

When you’re in a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, you may find yourself increasingly isolated from friends and family. This can occur as a result of your partner’s controlling or manipulative behavior, as they may discourage or prevent you from maintaining close relationships with others outside of the relationship. 

You may feel pressured to prioritise your partner’s needs and desires over your own, leading you to cancel plans with friends, decline invitations to family events, or distance yourself from your support network. Over time, this isolation can leave you feeling lonely, unsupported, and even trapped within the relationship, as you become more dependent on your partner for social interaction and emotional support. Additionally, this isolation can make it more difficult to seek help or support if you need it, as you may feel like you have no one to turn to.

5 – You’ve become dependent

When you’re walking on eggshells in a relationship, you may find yourself becoming increasingly dependent on your partner. This can occur as a result of your partner’s controlling or manipulative behavior, as they may seek to isolate you from your support network, limit your access to resources or opportunities, or undermine your sense of agency and autonomy. 

Over time, you may come to rely on your partner for emotional support, financial stability, or basic necessities, even if these things are not being provided in a healthy or sustainable way. This dependency can be a difficult cycle to break, as you may feel like you have no other options or resources to turn to. Furthermore, your partner may use your dependency as a tool for control, threatening to withhold support or resources if you don’t comply with their demands or expectations.

6 – You feel insecure

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, feelings of insecurity can be a common experience. This insecurity can stem from the constant fear of upsetting or disappointing your partner, as well as the lack of emotional safety and stability within the relationship. You may feel anxious or uncertain about your partner’s feelings or commitment to you, especially if they are prone to mood swings, unpredictable behavior, or emotional withdrawal. 

This insecurity can be exacerbated by your partner’s critical or belittling comments, which can erode your self-esteem and confidence over time. Additionally, the lack of open and honest communication within the relationship can contribute to feelings of uncertainty and doubt, as you may be left guessing about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or intentions. Ultimately, the chronic insecurity that often accompanies a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells can be emotionally exhausting and damaging, leading to a sense of hopelessness and despair.

7 – You feel trapped

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, it’s not uncommon to feel trapped or stuck. This can occur as a result of the emotional, psychological, or even physical barriers that your partner has created to maintain control or dominance within the relationship. You may feel like you have no choice but to comply with your partner’s demands or expectations, even if they are harmful or destructive. 

This can lead to a sense of hopelessness and despair, as you feel powerless to change your circumstances or escape the relationship. Additionally, the chronic stress and anxiety that often accompanies a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells can take a toll on your mental and physical health, making it even more difficult to find the strength or motivation to leave. Ultimately, feeling trapped in a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells can be a frightening and isolating experience, one that requires courage, support, and resources to overcome.

8 – People pleasing

When you’re walking on eggshells in a relationship, people-pleasing behaviors may become more prevalent as a way to avoid conflict or confrontation with your partner. People-pleasing can involve putting your partner’s needs and desires ahead of your own, bending over backward to accommodate their demands or expectations, or avoiding expressing your true thoughts or feelings in order to keep the peace. 

While these behaviors may seem helpful or necessary at first, they can ultimately be damaging to your own well-being and the health of the relationship, as they prevent you from being your authentic self and voicing your needs or boundaries. Furthermore, people-pleasing can perpetuate a power imbalance within the relationship, as it may reinforce your partner’s sense of control or dominance. It’s important to remember that healthy relationships require open, honest communication, and a balance of mutual respect, support, and consideration, rather than the one-sided effort of people-pleasing.

9 – Partner is highly-strung

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, your partner may exhibit a pattern of getting angry at even the slightest provocation. This can create a constant state of anxiety and fear, as you may feel like you have to be extremely careful or accommodating in order to avoid triggering your partner’s anger or aggression. This dynamic can also make it difficult to communicate openly or authentically, as you may fear that expressing your own thoughts or feelings will only escalate the situation. 

Over time, this pattern of anger and volatility can erode the emotional safety and stability of the relationship, leaving you feeling constantly on edge or unable to relax. It’s important to remember that anger and aggression are never acceptable or healthy ways of expressing emotions or resolving conflict, and that you deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationships.

10 – You fear your partner 

In a relationship where you’re walking on eggshells, feeling fear of your partner is not uncommon. This fear can take many forms, from anxiety about triggering your partner’s anger or aggression to a more pervasive sense of dread or unease around them. You may find yourself avoiding certain topics or behaviors, or constantly monitoring your own words and actions in order to prevent conflict or harm. 

This fear can also extend to your partner’s reactions or behaviors in general, as you may feel like you can never predict how they will respond or react in any given situation. Ultimately, feeling fear of your partner is a sign of an unhealthy and potentially abusive relationship dynamic, one that may require outside support or intervention in order to address or escape. It’s important to remember that no one deserves to feel afraid or unsafe in their relationships, and that seeking help and support is a brave and necessary step towards healing and recovery.

11 – Your partner lacks personal responsibility

When you’re in a relationship where your partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions or the harm they cause, it’s a clear sign that you’re walking on eggshells. This refusal to acknowledge accountability is often accompanied by blame-shifting, denial, or justification, leaving you feeling like you’re constantly trying to avoid triggering their anger or defensiveness. 

As a result, you may find yourself monitoring your own behavior or censoring your thoughts and feelings, in order to avoid conflict or backlash. This constant anxiety and fear can be exhausting and isolating, and is a hallmark of an abusive and unhealthy relationship dynamic. It’s important to recognize that your partner’s unwillingness to take responsibility is not your fault, and seeking outside support and resources may be necessary to prioritize your own safety and well-being.

12 – Reduced sense of confidence

One of the most significant signs that you’re walking on eggshells in a relationship is a reduced sense of confidence and self-worth. The constant fear, anxiety, and self-censorship required to navigate an unhealthy or abusive relationship dynamic can erode your own sense of identity and self-esteem over time. You may begin to doubt your own perceptions or judgments, or lose touch with your own needs and desires. 

This reduced confidence can also extend to other areas of your life, making it more difficult to pursue your goals or interests, or to maintain healthy relationships with others. Ultimately, the experience of walking on eggshells can leave you feeling diminished and powerless, as if your own sense of self has been eroded by the constant effort to please or avoid conflict with your partner. 

It’s important to remember that you deserve to feel confident, valued, and respected in your relationships, and that seeking support or resources to rebuild your sense of self is a crucial step towards healing and recovery.

Recap

Walking on eggshells in a relationship is a sign of a deeply unhealthy and potentially abusive dynamic. It’s characterized by a constant sense of fear, anxiety, and self-censorship, as you try to avoid triggering your partner’s anger or defensiveness. Over time, this pattern can erode your own sense of confidence, self-worth, and identity, leaving you feeling isolated, powerless, and alone. 

While it’s never easy to acknowledge or address an unhealthy relationship dynamic, recognizing the signs of walking on eggshells is a crucial first step towards healing and recovery. By prioritizing your own safety and well-being, and seeking outside support and resources as needed, you can begin to rebuild your sense of self and cultivate healthier, more authentic relationships that allow you to thrive.

Consider therapy

Considering therapy can be an important step in breaking away from the pattern of walking on eggshells as a fawn response to not having emotional safety in a relationship. A healthy relationship should have emotional safety, and therapy can provide a safe space to explore and address the underlying causes of this pattern. Many of our relationship patterns are unconscious, and by working with a therapist, we can gain greater awareness of these patterns and develop the skills and tools needed to change them. In particular, a therapy approach that emphasizes compassion can be especially helpful. When we meet ourselves with compassion, we give ourselves the validation and strength needed to make positive changes in our relationships and our lives.

Internal Family Systems

One such therapy approach is Internal Family Systems (IFS), which uses a compassion-focused approach to help individuals get to know and heal their anxious and fearful parts. By exploring these parts with love and compassion, we can release them from their burdens and grow in self-worth, self-confidence, and the ability to create healthier relationships. IFS therapy provides a framework for understanding and transforming our internal experiences, leading to greater emotional safety and well-being in our relationships and in our lives. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

How to be a Secure Base in a Relationship

One of the most critical elements for a healthy and secure relationship is the ability to establish a strong emotional connection. 

Many relationships fail or suffer due to a lack of emotional safety, trust, and an absence of reassurance that one’s thoughts, feelings, and needs will be acknowledged and respected. To overcome these hurdles and foster a deep, lasting bond, it is essential to learn how to be a secure base for your partner.

A secure base serves as an anchor of emotional stability and support, nurturing a sense of safety and security within the relationship. 

Grounded in attachment theory, the concept of a secure base emphasizes the significance of consistent emotional availability, responsiveness, and understanding between partners. When one partner acts as a secure base, they provide a safe haven for the other’s emotional experiences, enabling both individuals to develop greater trust, vulnerability, and connection.

The origins of a secure base

The concept of a secure base originated in attachment theory, a psychological framework developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s. Bowlby proposed that the quality of early relationships, particularly those between infants and their caregivers, lays the foundation for how individuals form and maintain connections throughout their lives. Secure attachment is characterized by a stable, trusting, and emotionally responsive bond, fostering healthy patterns for future relationships.

According to attachment theory, a caregiver who acts as a secure base offers consistent emotional support, reassurance, and responsiveness to the child, thereby creating a sense of safety and security. As a result, the child develops trust in the caregiver and feels confident exploring the world and engaging in personal growth. 

This early relationship becomes an internalized model or template for the child, shaping their expectations and behaviors in subsequent relationships.

In adulthood, individuals who experienced a secure base early in life are more likely to exhibit secure attachment patterns in romantic relationships. They tend to be more emotionally available, trusting, and responsive, leading to healthier and more fulfilling connections.

What is a secure base?

A secure base, rooted in attachment theory, refers to a partner who consistently provides emotional support, understanding, and responsiveness within a relationship. This concept emphasizes the importance of emotional availability and sensitivity in fostering a strong, secure bond between partners. A secure base serves as a reliable source of comfort, reassurance, and empathy, enabling their partner to feel emotionally safe and protected.

As a secure base, a partner acts as a safe haven for the other’s emotional experiences, allowing them to express their thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities without fear of rejection or dismissal. This nurturing environment promotes trust, emotional intimacy, and a deeper connection between partners. By offering a consistent and stable presence, a secure base encourages their partner to explore personal growth, take risks, and face challenges, knowing they have a supportive foundation to rely on.

A secure base also communicates effectively, actively listens, and demonstrates empathy and emotional attunement, ensuring that both partners feel heard, valued, and understood. Ultimately, a secure base contributes to the overall health and stability of a relationship by providing a solid foundation for lasting love and connection.

Be interested 

Learning how to be a secure base in a relationship involves cultivating genuine interest in your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Being interested is not just about passively listening to your partner; it entails actively engaging with their emotional world and demonstrating a sincere desire to understand their perspective. As a secure base, your interest validates your partner’s emotions and contributes to a sense of emotional safety and security.

Developing interest as part of becoming a secure base requires attentive listening, empathy, and open-mindedness. Ask open-ended questions, express curiosity about your partner’s inner life, and offer thoughtful reflections on what they share. By prioritizing interest in your relationship, you foster a deeper emotional connection, enhance trust, and create an environment where both partners feel valued, seen, and supported. As a result, the foundation of your relationship becomes more resilient, and your capacity to provide a secure base for one another grows stronger.

Be available

An essential aspect of learning how to be a secure base is prioritizing emotional availability for your partner. Availability in this context refers not only to physical presence but also to emotional openness and responsiveness. By cultivating emotional availability, you create a safe space where your partner feels comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities.

To be available as a secure base, make a conscious effort to be present and engaged when interacting with your partner. Set aside quality time for connection, listen attentively, and respond empathetically to their emotional needs. Consistency is key; strive to be a reliable source of support, especially during challenging times. By nurturing emotional availability within your relationship, you deepen trust, enhance emotional intimacy, and contribute to a secure, lasting bond that can withstand life’s ups and downs.

Be sensitive

Developing sensitivity towards your partner’s emotions and needs is a vital component of learning how to be a secure base in your relationship. Emotional sensitivity involves accurately perceiving, understanding, and responding to your partner’s feelings, fostering a deep sense of connection and trust. As a secure base, your sensitivity ensures that your partner feels seen, heard, and emotionally supported.

To cultivate sensitivity, practice active listening and empathy when engaging with your partner. Pay close attention to their verbal and nonverbal cues, and take the time to understand their perspective, even when it differs from your own. Validate their emotions and offer thoughtful, reassuring responses that demonstrate your care and concern. By nurturing emotional sensitivity, you contribute to a secure and resilient relationship, where both partners feel safe expressing their authentic selves and relying on one another for support and understanding.

Be consistent

Consistency is a critical element in learning how to be a secure base for your partner. As a secure base, your goal is to provide a stable and reliable emotional foundation that your partner can count on, especially during times of stress or uncertainty. Consistency in your words, actions, and emotional availability contributes to a strong sense of trust and safety within the relationship.

To be consistent, ensure that your actions align with your promises and stated intentions. Follow through on commitments, maintain open lines of communication, and remain available to your partner when they need support or reassurance. By cultivating consistency in your relationship, you create a dependable and secure environment, allowing your partner to feel confident in your emotional connection and the stability of your bond. Ultimately, this consistency strengthens the foundation of your relationship and promotes lasting love and connection.

Be accepting

Fostering acceptance within your relationship is an integral aspect of learning how to be a secure base for your partner. Acceptance entails acknowledging and respecting your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities without judgment or expectation of change. By practicing acceptance, you create a safe space where your partner can be their authentic self, promoting emotional intimacy and trust.

To cultivate acceptance, adopt an open-minded and non-judgmental attitude towards your partner’s beliefs, values, and experiences. Embrace their individuality and encourage them to share their deepest feelings and concerns without fear of rejection or ridicule. Offer understanding and validation, acknowledging that it is normal and healthy for individuals to have unique perspectives and emotions. By nurturing acceptance, you deepen the emotional connection between you and your partner, facilitating a secure, loving, and supportive relationship that nurtures growth and fosters resilience.

Be equal

Maintaining equality in your relationship is essential for learning how to be a secure base and promoting emotional intimacy. An equal partnership entails mutual respect, fair division of responsibilities, and a shared sense of autonomy and decision-making power. When both partners feel valued and heard, it fosters a sense of trust, security, and satisfaction within the relationship.

To be an equal, approach your relationship with an attitude of collaboration, where both partners’ opinions and needs matter equally. Communicate openly and respectfully, valuing each other’s perspectives and working towards compromises or solutions that satisfy both parties. Share responsibilities and decision-making, recognizing that each partner brings unique strengths and insights to the table. By fostering equality, you create a dynamic, balanced partnership that encourages personal growth and emotional fulfillment for both partners. Ultimately, maintaining equality contributes to a secure, fulfilling relationship where each individual feels valued, respected, and supported.

Be cooperative

Cultivating cooperation in your relationship is a vital component of learning how to be a secure base and fostering emotional intimacy. A cooperative partnership involves working together to achieve shared goals, address challenges, and support one another’s personal growth. By embracing cooperation, you create a strong, unified bond where both partners feel valued, respected, and emotionally connected.

To be cooperative, prioritize teamwork and open communication in your relationship. Share your aspirations and concerns, and actively involve your partner in decision-making processes. Approach challenges with a collaborative mindset, seeking solutions that benefit both partners and strengthen your relationship. Offer support and encouragement as your partner pursues their goals, and invite them to do the same for you. By fostering cooperation in your relationship, you build a secure, resilient foundation that nurtures emotional intimacy and trust, ultimately contributing to lasting love and connection.

How to create secure internal attachment

When it comes to creating secure and supportive relationships, as well as learning how to be a secure base, it’s also important to learn how to create an internal secure base.

When you can learn to attune to your feelings, needs and boundaries and be the inner parent you never had, you can regulate your emotions and become more confident, grounded and secure in your relationships.

While conventional self-help methods like journaling, affirmations, and workbooks can provide valuable insights into attachment theory, they often fall short in addressing the long-term challenges associated with signs of anxious attachment. The key issue lies in the fact that attachment trauma primarily resides in the subconscious, requiring a deeper approach to target its core.

To effectively learn how to create internal secure attachment, it is crucial to adopt a subconscious-focused strategy that cultivates inner stability and resilience. By addressing the root causes of attachment trauma and fostering a secure, self-assured foundation, individuals can experience transformative growth and build healthier relationships that flourish over time.

Our Heal Insecure Attachment course leads participants through the process of managing anxiety and healing their inner child, enabling the release of stored emotional energy and nurturing a profound sense of security from within. This comprehensive course features over 6 hours of video content and therapeutic meditations, offering practical tools to explore subconscious patterns contributing to signs of anxious attachment and facilitate their integration.

By embracing this somatic and emotion-focused approach, participants can address the core issues underlying anxious attachment and effectively learn how to overcome anxious preoccupied attachment, paving the way for secure relationships and a more balanced, fulfilling life.

View our Heal Insecure Attachment course to embark on a journey of self-discovery, inner healing, and personal growth. By tackling the signs of anxious attachment at their source, individuals can develop a secure internal attachment style that lays the foundation for healthier relationships and overall well-being.

Therapy

Internal family systems therapy and inner child work can help us heal the parts of us that carry fear, anxiety and attachment wounds, making it challenging to feel secure in relationships.

If this is something you’d like to explore, you can go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

Have you ever felt like something was a little off about your childhood, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it? Maybe your parents provided for your basic needs, but they weren’t so great at understanding or supporting your emotions. If that sounds familiar, you might have grown up with emotionally immature parents.

Perhaps you felt like the adult growing up and you felt as though you were raised by children. Perhaps they didn’t know how to handle our own feelings, let alone yours. It’s likely that when you were upset, instead of comforting you, it was too uncomfortable for your parents and your parents would tell you to stop crying or get over it. That’s emotional immaturity in action.

Children are like mirrors for parents, and emotionally immature parents find it too confronting, so will often deflect the attention off them and inflict guilt and shame on their children by dismissing and invalidating their feelings.

However, this is emotional harm and often it leads to children growing up with feelings of guilt, shame, unworthiness and self-judgment towards our own emotions.

Later on in our adult lives, it leads to emotional dysregulation where they struggle to regulate our emotions and accept our emotions, because soothing and self-regulation was never modeled to them.

We can become so emotionally overwhelmed by our emotions and can feel helpless, almost like our emotions are never going to end, because that’s how it felt like when they were a child. 

Understanding the signs of emotionally immature parents is the first step towards recognizing the impact of emotionally immature parenting on your emotional regulation and embarking on a healing journey. 

By acknowledging your experiences and seeking support, you can cultivate emotional resilience, form healthier relationships, and foster personal growth as an adult. Remember that it’s never too late to work through the challenges of your upbringing, and there are resources and supportive communities available to help you along the way.

What is emotional immaturity?

What does it mean to be emotionally immature? 

It’s natural for us all to have feelings and emotions as human beings. The goal is to be able to manage and control these emotions so that we don’t let them control us. However, some people haven’t learned how to do this effectively, which can lead to reacting impulsively or without restraint.

For example, if we grew up with a parent who was highly strung and would fly off the handle easily — this is an example of emotional immaturity. When adults haven’t learned how to cope with our emotions, they might act similarly, leading to challenges in our relationships and personal lives.

Dr Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents says that “Emotional immaturity is characterized by impulsive reactions, lack of empathy, and difficulty in taking responsibility for one’s actions. 

In essence, it’s the inability to engage in emotional self-regulation, leading to challenges in relationships and personal development.” – Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”.

Signs of emotionally immature parents

So with that, let’s take a look at the signs of emotionally immature parents.

1. Emotionally absent

Emotionally absent or unresponsive parents can leave children feeling neglected, isolated, and unsupported. These parents may be physically present, but emotionally unavailable, making it difficult for children to feel seen, heard, or understood. 

Children of emotionally absent parents may feel that our feelings and experiences are not important, leading to low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. This lack of emotional connection can also make it hard for children to develop healthy relationships in the future, as they may not have learned how to form meaningful bonds.

2. Lack of empathy

When parents struggle to show empathy, it can have a significant impact on our children’s emotional development. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, which is a crucial skill for healthy relationships. Children who grow up with parents who lack empathy may struggle to understand our own feelings, communicate effectively, and relate to others. 

They may feel misunderstood, unheard, or even invalidated. This can lead to difficulties in social interactions, self-expression, and conflict resolution. Additionally, children who don’t receive empathy from our parents may be less likely to develop empathy themselves, leading to challenges in forming meaningful relationships in the future. 

3. They reacted strongly to situations

Parents who struggle to regulate our own emotions can create a volatile and unpredictable environment for our children. When parents have explosive tempers, get easily overwhelmed, or experience frequent mood swings, it can make children feel anxious, fearful, and unable to trust our caregivers. 

Children in these situations may develop coping mechanisms like walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate our parents’ reactions, or becoming emotionally numb. Living in this type of environment can also impact children’s ability to regulate our own emotions, as they may not have had healthy role models to learn from.

4. Inconsistent and unpredictable behaviour

Inconsistent or unpredictable behavior from parents can create confusion, uncertainty, and instability for children. When parents’ actions and reactions are erratic, it can make it challenging for children to develop a sense of trust, safety, and security in our home environment. This unpredictability can lead to feelings of anxiety, hypervigilance, and difficulty in forming healthy attachments. 

Children in these situations may struggle with self-esteem issues, academic challenges, and behavioral problems. Additionally, they may carry these insecurities into adulthood, impacting our relationships, career choices, and overall well-being. It’s crucial for parents to strive for consistency in our actions, communicate openly with our children, and provide a stable environment to foster healthy emotional development.

5. Lack of accountability

When parents struggle to take accountability for our actions, it can create an unhealthy dynamic in the family. Parents who shift blame, make excuses, or deny responsibility for our behavior can set a poor example for our children and make it difficult for them to learn from our mistakes. 

Children may begin to internalize the idea that they are not responsible for our own actions, leading to a lack of personal responsibility and accountability. Additionally, children may feel resentful, frustrated, or even manipulated when they see our parents refusing to take responsibility.

6. Selfish

Parents who prioritize our own needs and desires above those of our children can be considered selfish. These parents may consistently put our own wants first, neglecting our children’s physical, emotional, or developmental needs. Selfish parents may fail to provide adequate care, support, or attention, leaving our children feeling neglected, insecure, or even unloved. 

This behavior can also lead to role reversal, where children feel responsible for taking care of our parents’ needs, sacrificing our own childhood in the process. Children of selfish parents may struggle with low self-esteem, feelings of guilt, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships in the future.

7. They relied on our children for support

Emotionally immature parents may rely on our children for emotional support, turning the natural parent-child dynamic on its head. This is known as parentification, where children feel responsible for taking care of our parents’ emotional needs, often at the expense of our own well-being. 

Children in these situations may feel overwhelmed, overburdened, or guilty for not being able to “fix” our parents’ problems. They may also feel like they can’t turn to our parents for support or guidance, as they are the ones who need to be taken care of. This role reversal can lead to long-lasting emotional issues, such as codependency, difficulty setting boundaries, and struggles in forming healthy relationships.

8. Lack of respect for boundaries

Emotionally immature parents often struggle to set healthy boundaries with our children, leading to a lack of privacy, personal space, or autonomy. This can manifest in various ways, such as invading our children’s rooms without knocking, reading our diaries or personal messages, or interfering excessively in our friendships and romantic relationships. 

These boundary violations can make children feel disrespected, untrusted, or even violated. They may also struggle to develop our own boundaries and assert our needs in other relationships, leading to feelings of resentment or exploitation.

9. Quick to misinterpret communication as a threat or criticism

Emotionally immature parents may have a tendency to misinterpret our children’s communication as a personal attack or criticism, causing them to react defensively or aggressively. This hypersensitivity to perceived threats can create a hostile and tense environment, where children feel afraid to express our feelings or opinions for fear of triggering our parents’ reactivity. 

These defensive reactions can also make it difficult for parents to hear and understand our children’s perspectives, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. Children may learn to avoid confrontation, suppress our emotions, or internalize blame in order to avoid our parents’ defensive reactions.

10. Neglectful

Emotionally immature parents may struggle to meet our children’s emotional needs, leaving them feeling emotionally neglected or unfulfilled. This inability to provide emotional support can manifest in various ways, such as dismissing our children’s feelings, failing to provide comfort during times of distress, or being unable to validate our children’s emotions. 

As a result, children may develop coping mechanisms such as emotional detachment, self-soothing behaviors, or codependent relationships to meet our emotional needs. These coping mechanisms can lead to emotional difficulties in adulthood, such as attachment issues, anxiety, or depression.

11. Hold grudges

Emotionally immature parents may hold onto grudges, refusing to forgive or move past past conflicts or disagreements. This tendency can create ongoing tension and resentment within the family, making it difficult for children to feel safe and secure. 

Children who grow up with parents who hold grudges may feel caught in the middle of conflicts, or may learn to suppress our own emotions and opinions to avoid triggering our parents’ anger. They may also struggle to develop healthy conflict resolution skills, as they have not witnessed positive role models for resolving disagreements. 

12. Critical 

Emotionally immature parents may be overly critical of our children, focusing on our flaws and mistakes rather than acknowledging our strengths and accomplishments. This constant criticism can erode children’s self-esteem, leaving them feeling inadequate, unworthy, or even ashamed. 

Children who grow up with critical parents may internalize these negative messages, leading to self-doubt, perfectionism, or fear of failure. They may also struggle to trust our own instincts or feel confident in our abilities.

The impact of emotionally immature parents

The impact of having emotionally immature parents can be significant and long-lasting. Children of emotionally immature parents may experience various emotional, social, and psychological challenges that can affect our well-being and development.

1. Low self-esteem

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can result in children internalizing negative messages and criticism, leading to feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth. This low self-esteem can persist into adulthood, affecting various aspects of life, including relationships, career choices, and overall well-being. Children who receive limited emotional validation and support may struggle to value our own needs and accomplishments, leading to a distorted self-image and difficulties in asserting themselves or pursuing our goals.

2. Difficulty regulating emotions

Emotionally immature parents may not provide a stable or nurturing environment for children to learn how to manage our emotions effectively. This lack of emotional regulation modeling can result in children struggling to identify, express, or cope with our feelings in healthy ways. They may experience intense emotional outbursts, mood swings, or become emotionally detached as a means of self-protection. In adulthood, these individuals may face challenges in managing stress, maintaining healthy relationships, or coping with life’s challenges.

3. Attachment issues

Inconsistent or emotionally unavailable parenting can disrupt the formation of secure attachments, which are crucial for healthy emotional development and relationships. Children of emotionally immature parents may develop anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles, which can manifest in difficulties forming intimate connections, trusting others, or feeling emotionally safe. This can lead to a cycle of unhealthy relationships or social isolation.

4. Anxiety and depression

Chronic stress from growing up with emotionally immature parents can have lasting effects on mental health, potentially leading to anxiety disorders or depression. The constant emotional turmoil, unpredictability, or lack of emotional support can create a sense of fear, instability, or hopelessness. These mental health issues may persist into adulthood, affecting daily functioning, relationships, and overall quality of life.

5. Difficulty setting boundaries

Children who grow up with parents who frequently violate our boundaries may struggle to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in our own relationships. This can result in codependency, where individuals neglect our own needs to take care of others, or being more susceptible to exploitation or manipulation. 

Learning to set and maintain boundaries is essential for building healthy relationships and a strong sense of self. This can be developed through therapy, assertiveness training, and seeking support from healthy role models.

6. Isolation and loneliness

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. When children are not emotionally supported, understood, or connected with our parents, they may feel disconnected from our families and those around them. 

This can result in difficulty forming meaningful relationships, difficulty trusting others, or difficulty sharing emotions, all of which can contribute to a sense of loneliness and isolation. The unpredictable or volatile environment created by emotionally immature parents may make children hesitant to seek support or connection from others, leading to further isolation.

7. Fear of intimacy

Emotionally immature parents may create an environment that does not foster vulnerability or emotional closeness, leading to difficulties with intimacy in adulthood. Children who do not experience healthy emotional connections or feel emotionally unsafe may struggle to develop trust, openness, and vulnerability in our relationships. 

This fear of intimacy can result in emotional detachment, avoidance of close relationships, or difficulties expressing emotions. Addressing this fear may involve therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, to explore and challenge the underlying beliefs and fears associated with intimacy.

8. Fear of abandonment

Fear of abandonment is a common issue for those who have emotionally immature parents. When children do not receive consistent emotional support, validation, or predictability in our relationships with our parents, they may develop a fear that the people close to them will leave or abandon them. 

This fear can manifest in various ways, such as clinginess, avoidance of relationships, or difficulty trusting others. People with a fear of abandonment may also engage in self-sabotaging behaviors to push people away, reaffirming our belief that they are unworthy of love and connection.

9. A need for constant validation

The need for validation is often prominent in people who have experienced emotionally immature parenting. When parents do not provide adequate emotional support or recognition, children may develop an intense need for validation from others. This can lead to a dependency on external sources of approval, such as friends, romantic partners, or authority figures. 

People may constantly seek reassurance, praise, or acceptance to fill the emotional void left by our parents. This constant need for validation can result in people-pleasing behaviors, low self-esteem, or difficulty making decisions based on our own needs and desires.

10. Emotionally unhealthy coping mechanisms

Children of emotionally immature parents may develop unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms as a way to deal with the stress, anxiety, and emotional pain caused by our upbringing. One common coping mechanism is substance abuse, where individuals use drugs or alcohol as a way to numb our feelings or escape from our emotional struggles. 

Substance abuse can become a vicious cycle, providing temporary relief but ultimately exacerbating the underlying emotional issues. Other unhealthy coping mechanisms may include self-harm, disordered eating, excessive spending, or risky behaviors.

How to heal from emotionally immature parents

Healing from the experiences of having emotionally immature parents is a journey that involves self-awareness, acceptance, and personal growth. 

A significant part of this healing process is recognizing and letting go of the unrealistic expectations or fantasies one might have held onto regarding our parents.

Children of emotionally immature parents often believe that if they change our own behavior or try harder to please our parents, they can somehow elicit a more emotionally responsive and supportive relationship.

The danger of attempting to constantly adapt and please emotionally immature parents is that you may become overly self-sacrificing, losing your sense of self in the process, which negatively impacts your mental health. 

In an effort to gain the love and emotional support you crave, you may engage in people-pleasing behaviors, suppressing your own needs, desires, and voice. Over time, this can lead to a loss of personal identity, diminished self-worth, and feelings of resentment or anger.

Rather than distorting yourself to fit the expectations of your emotionally immature parents and lashing out when our needs are not met, it’s better to accept your parents’ limitations. 

This involves acknowledging that your parents are stuck in the past, they are children and are emotionally underdeveloped, and that they don’t have the capacity to provide emotional support and understanding.

Instead of trying to control your relationship with your parents, and hoping that they can change, focus on what you CAN control instead.

Although you can’t choose your biological family, you can choose your soul family and surround yourself with emotionally mature, empathetic friends who can provide those emotional needs of support and validation.

Gabor Maté, renowned physician says “In certain circumstances, you cannot heal yourself by going back to the people who hurt you. That doesn’t work.”

It isn’t advisable to seek healing and emotional validation from parents who are emotionally immature and have caused significant pain and trauma. Trying to engage with them may only exacerbate the problem and lead to further emotional distress.

By prioritizing your emotional well-being and developing healthy relationships, you can break free from the destructive cycle of trying to change emotionally immature parents and trying to gain an apology or accountability. 

Instead of trying to seek healing from your parents, you can seek healing inside of yourself, by healing the parts of you that are holding hurt and pain from our lack of approval and nurturing.

You can begin by setting boundaries with your parents, managing expectations and seeking emotional validation from a therapist who can help you reparent yourself and release the stored emotional energy of trauma from your mind and body with somatic therapy and inner child work.

This helps you to take your power back and safeguards you from further disappointment and emotional harm.

How internal family systems therapy can help

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can be an effective approach in healing from the impacts of emotionally immature parents. This therapeutic modality recognizes that individuals possess various “parts” or sub-personalities that serve different functions in response to life experiences, such as emotional harm and neglect. By utilizing IFS therapy, individuals can work on identifying these parts and understanding how they have been influenced by our parents’ emotional immaturity.

Through the process of meeting these impacted parts with love, compassion, and understanding, individuals can begin to heal and integrate these parts into a more cohesive sense of self. This involves acknowledging the pain and trauma these parts have experienced, providing them with the emotional validation and support they lacked, and fostering a sense of self-compassion.

By addressing the various parts that have been influenced by emotionally immature parents, individuals can work towards developing healthier coping strategies, establishing boundaries, and forming more secure relationships.

If you’re ready to begin, you can view my availability here.

10 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother

Living with a narcissistic mother can be hard because of their complex behaviors, such as gaslighting, which makes you doubt yourself, and ignoring your boundaries. It’s important to find ways to cope and take care of yourself when dealing with these behaviors.

Narcissistic mothers often treat their children as a way to satisfy their own needs and wants, instead of providing the care and support that their children need. They are emotionally immature and struggle to grow, which leads to selfish parenting and a lack of empathy for their children.

Instead of helping their children emotionally, narcissistic mothers focus on their own feelings and use manipulation to stay in control. This can make it hard for their children to form healthy relationships, have good self-esteem, and feel cared for, leaving them vulnerable to unhealthy and abusive relationships.

To better understand narcissistic mothers, here are 9 common signs of a narcissistic mother:

1. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a common manipulation tactic used by narcissistic mothers, which can be detrimental to their children’s mental health and sense of reality. Here are some signs of gaslighting by a narcissistic mother:

Denying or distorting reality: Narcissistic mothers may deny or twist events to make their children question their own experiences. For example, they might insist that an incident never happened or happened differently, causing the child to doubt their own memory.

Invalidating feelings: They may dismiss or belittle their children’s emotions, telling them they’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” This invalidation can make it difficult for the child to trust their own emotions and develop a healthy emotional understanding.

Projecting blame: Narcissistic mothers often refuse to take responsibility for their actions and may instead project blame onto their children. This can result in the child internalizing a sense of guilt and self-doubt.

Using contradictory statements: Narcissistic mothers may make contradictory statements to confuse their children and maintain control. This can leave the child feeling off-balance and unsure of what to believe.

Isolating from support systems: A narcissistic mother may try to isolate her children from friends, family, or other support systems to maintain control and avoid being exposed. This isolation can make it harder for the child to seek support and maintain a sense of self.

Manipulating memories: Narcissistic mothers may distort or rewrite past events to suit their own narrative, further eroding their children’s sense of reality and self-trust.

Recognizing these signs of gaslighting can be the first step towards understanding the dynamics of a narcissistic mother’s behavior and seeking support to heal and build a stronger sense of self.

2. Cross boundaries

Narcissistic mothers can ignore their children’s boundaries, often refusing to accept “no” as an answer. They may insist on making decisions for their children, even when it’s not appropriate or desired. This can create a sense of powerlessness in their children, hindering their ability to develop a strong sense of self.

3. Emotionally immature

Narcissistic mothers often exhibit emotional immaturity, which can have a significant impact on their children’s emotional development. Here are some signs of emotional immaturity in a narcissistic mother:

Inability to regulate emotions: Narcissistic mothers may struggle to manage their own emotions, leading to unpredictable and intense emotional outbursts or mood swings. This instability can create an environment of fear and uncertainty for their children.

Lack of empathy: They may find it difficult to empathize with their children’s feelings and experiences, resulting in a lack of emotional support and understanding. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and a weakened sense of self-worth in their children.

Need for constant validation: Narcissistic mothers often require excessive validation and attention from their children, placing their own emotional needs above those of their children. This can create an unhealthy dynamic in which the child feels responsible for the mother’s emotional well-being.

Poor impulse control: Narcissistic mothers may exhibit poor impulse control, leading to rash decisions and behaviors that prioritize their own desires over their children’s best interests. This can create a chaotic and unstable environment for their children.

Inability to apologise or accept responsibility: Narcissistic mothers may struggle to admit when they’re wrong or take responsibility for their actions. This can result in a lack of accountability and an inability to learn from their mistakes.

Playing favorites or pitting siblings against each other: Narcissistic mothers may play favorites among their children or create competition and tension between siblings to maintain control and ensure their position as the center of attention.

Understanding the signs of emotional immaturity in narcissistic mothers can help individuals recognize the impact these behaviors have on their own emotional development and seek appropriate support to heal and build healthier emotional patterns.

4. Neglectful

Narcissistic mothers can be neglectful in various ways, which can significantly affect their children’s emotional development, self-esteem, and overall well-being. Here are some signs of neglectful behavior in narcissistic mothers:

• Emotional neglect: Narcissistic mothers may fail to provide emotional support, understanding, or validation for their children’s feelings. This emotional neglect can result in feelings of isolation, worthlessness, and difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life.

• Physical neglect: They may also neglect their children’s physical needs, such as providing proper nutrition, healthcare, or a safe living environment. This can lead to physical health issues and a sense of instability for the child.

• Failure to provide guidance or structure: Narcissistic mothers may not offer adequate guidance or structure for their children, leading to a lack of stability and security. This can result in difficulties with self-discipline, decision-making, and overall life skills.

• Lack of interest in their children’s activities: Narcissistic mothers may show little to no interest in their children’s school events, extracurricular activities, or personal achievements, leaving the child feeling unsupported and unimportant.

Recognizing these signs of neglect can help individuals better understand the impact a narcissistic mother’s behavior can have on their development and seek support to address the resulting emotional or psychological challenges.

5. Lashes out 

Narcissistic mothers may exhibit lashing out behaviors when they feel threatened, criticized, or when their needs are not being met. Here are some signs of lashing out behavior in narcissistic mothers:

• Verbal attacks: Narcissistic mothers may use harsh words, insults, or put-downs to belittle their children, often targeting their self-esteem and self-worth.
• Emotional manipulation: They may resort to emotional manipulation tactics, such as guilt-tripping or gaslighting, to maintain control and assert their dominance.
• Unpredictable outbursts: Narcissistic mothers may have sudden outbursts of anger or rage, creating an environment of fear and unpredictability for their children.
• Physical aggression: In some cases, narcissistic mothers may become physically aggressive towards their children or engage in destructive behaviors, such as throwing objects or damaging property.
• Silent treatment: They may give their children the silent treatment as a form of punishment, withholding affection and communication to reassert control and manipulate their children’s emotions.
• Rejection or abandonment: Narcissistic mothers may threaten to abandon their children or reject them as a means of maintaining control and instilling fear and insecurity.

Understanding the signs of lashing out behavior in narcissistic mothers can help individuals recognize the toxic dynamics at play and seek support to establish healthier boundaries and protect their emotional well-being.

6. Subtle criticism

Narcissistic mothers may use subtle criticism as a way to undermine their children’s self-esteem and maintain control over them. Here are some signs of subtle criticism in narcissistic mothers:

• Backhanded compliments: Narcissistic mothers may give their children backhanded compliments that appear to be positive but contain an underlying critical message. For example, they might say, “You look so much better now that you’ve lost weight” or “I’m surprised you did so well on your test.”

• Constant nit-picking: They may continuously point out minor flaws or mistakes in their children’s appearance, behavior, or achievements, slowly eroding their self-confidence.

• Passive-aggressive comments: Narcissistic mothers might make passive-aggressive remarks that subtly communicate their disapproval or disappointment. For example, they might say, “I guess you didn’t have time to clean your room again” or “It’s a shame you didn’t inherit my good looks.”

• Comparisons: They may compare their children unfavorably to others, such as siblings, cousins, or friends, to highlight perceived shortcomings and fuel feelings of inadequacy.

• Body language and facial expressions: Narcissistic mothers may use non-verbal cues, such as eye-rolling, sighing, or smirking, to communicate their disapproval or disappointment.

• Recognising these signs of subtle criticism can help individuals become more aware of the harmful communication patterns used by narcissistic mothers and work towards developing healthier self-esteem and boundaries.

7. Parentification

In some cases, narcissistic mothers may force their children into a parental role, relying on them for emotional support or guidance. This role reversal crosses healthy boundaries and can impede the child’s ability to form a strong sense of self and experience a healthy childhood.

8. Emotional enmeshment

One of the overlooked signs of a narcissistic mother is that they may blur the lines between their own emotions and their children’s, leading to emotional enmeshment. 

This can create an unhealthy dynamic where the child feels responsible for the mother’s emotional well-being, further eroding boundaries and leading to feelings of confusion and anxiety.

9. Triangulation

Another sign of a narcissistic mother is the tendency to use triangulation to manipulate relationships and maintain control within the family dynamic.

Narcissistic mothers often involve a third person in their relationships with their children, creating a manipulative triangle. This could involve comparing their child to another family member or friend, or trying to pit people against each other. They might use statements like, “Your sister never talks back to me like you do,” or “Even your father agrees that you’re too sensitive.”

The purpose of triangulation is to create division, insecurity, and doubt among family members, making it easier for the narcissistic mother to assert her control. By playing people off one another, she can maintain a sense of power and importance within the family dynamic.

Recognising the signs of triangulation can help individuals understand the manipulation tactics used by narcissistic mothers and work towards establishing healthier relationships and boundaries within the family.

10. Entitlement

Another sign of a narcissistic mother is her tendency to exhibit an attitude of entitlement and superiority.

Narcissistic mothers often believe they are special, unique, or superior to others, including their own children. As a result, they feel entitled to special treatment, automatic compliance, and unquestioning obedience from their children.

This attitude of entitlement can manifest in several ways:

• Demanding attention and admiration: Narcissistic mothers may expect constant attention, praise, and admiration from their children, becoming angry or upset if they don’t receive it.

• Expecting favors or obedience: They may expect their children to always comply with their wishes and cater to their needs, even at the expense of their own.

• Viewing their children as extensions of themselves: Narcissistic mothers may see their children as reflections of themselves, expecting them to fulfill their own unrealized dreams or ambitions.
• Disregarding boundaries: They may feel entitled to ignore or violate their children’s boundaries, leading to a lack of privacy and personal space.

Recognizing the signs of entitlement and superiority in narcissistic mothers can help individuals understand the root of their demanding behavior and work towards establishing healthier expectations and boundaries within the parent-child relationship.

Dealing with a narcissistic mother

Dealing with a narcissistic mother can be challenging, but establishing boundaries and prioritizing self-care are crucial steps towards protecting your emotional well-being. Here are some strategies:

Set boundaries: Communicate your limits and expectations clearly. Be consistent in enforcing your boundaries, and make it clear that you will not tolerate abusive or manipulative behavior. It may take time for your mother to understand and respect these boundaries, but it’s essential to remain firm and patient.

Seek support: Connect with friends, family, or support groups who understand your situation and can provide emotional support. Talking to a therapist or counselor can also help you navigate the challenges and emotions associated with having a narcissistic mother.

Practice self-care: Take care of your physical and emotional well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This can include hobbies, exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature. Prioritizing your own needs will help you develop resilience and a stronger sense of self.

Educate yourself: Learn more about narcissistic personality disorder and the patterns of behavior associated with it. This can help you better understand your mother’s actions and develop effective coping strategies.

Remember, you have the power to shape your own life and well-being. By taking steps to protect yourself and prioritize your needs, you can work towards a more positive and balanced relationship with your narcissistic mother.

If this resonates, you’re not alone. You can go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session and explore the parts of you impacted by a narcissistic mother. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

Coparenting with a Narcissist: 10 Tips to Foster Emotional Resilience

Co-parenting can be a challenging journey, but when your co-parent exhibits narcissistic tendencies, the process can become even more complicated. 

Narcissistic individuals often display patterns of self-centeredness, manipulation, and a lack of empathy, making cooperation and healthy communication difficult. 

In some cases, co-parenting with a narcissist may seem nearly impossible, as it requires both parents to engage in mutual respect and prioritize their children’s needs over their own.

While it can be demanding, co-parenting with a narcissist is possible in certain circumstances, as long as it remains safe for all parties involved. To achieve a semblance of harmony, the key lies in seeking support and safeguarding your emotional wellbeing. 

As a parent, your primary goal is to provide a stable and nurturing environment for your children. When dealing with a narcissistic co-parent, it’s crucial to develop strong boundaries and practice self-care, ensuring that you remain emotionally available for your children. Additionally, finding ways to minimize conflict and encourage positive interactions can create a more stable environment, allowing your children to thrive despite the challenges posed by a narcissistic co-parent.

In this blog post, we’ll explore effective strategies for co-parenting with a narcissist, including tips for communication, boundary-setting, and managing expectations. By understanding and addressing the unique challenges that arise in these situations, you can successfully navigate this complex co-parenting dynamic and foster a sense of emotional resilience and inner strength.

Signs you are co-parenting with a narcissist 

Here are some signs you’re coparenting with a narcissist:

Lack of Empathy

A narcissistic co-parent may show little concern for the emotional needs of you or your children, often prioritizing their own desires over the well-being of the family.

Manipulative Communication

Narcissists tend to use communication as a tool to control and manipulate situations to their advantage, rather than fostering open and honest dialogue.

Gaslighting

Narcissists may try to distort your perception of reality, leading you to question your judgment or even your sanity. They might do this by denying events that have taken place or twisting the truth.

Inconsistent Parenting

A narcissistic co-parent may struggle to maintain consistent parenting approaches, leading to confusion and insecurity for your children. They may shift between being overly permissive and authoritarian without providing clear expectations or boundaries.

Playing the Victim

Narcissists often play the victim in situations, blaming others for problems and refusing to take responsibility for their actions. They might use this tactic to gain sympathy or avoid accountability.

Fostering Division

Narcissistic co-parents may attempt to drive a wedge between you and your children, using manipulation and lies to create distrust and undermine your authority.

Need for Constant Admiration

Narcissists have a deep-seated need for admiration and praise, often seeking validation from others, including their children. They might demand excessive appreciation for basic parenting responsibilities or become defensive when faced with criticism.

1. Keep conversations child focused

When engaging in discussions with a narcissistic co-parent, it’s crucial to maintain focus on your children’s needs, well-being, and best interests. By centering conversations around your children, you shift attention away from the narcissist’s self-centered behaviors or attempts at manipulation.

Discuss topics like your children’s schedules, school activities, extracurricular events, and emotional needs. If your co-parent tries to steer the conversation toward personal issues or unrelated matters, calmly remind them that the priority is your children’s welfare and redirect the conversation back to child-focused topics.

Maintaining this child-centered approach helps minimize conflict and keeps your co-parenting communication productive and effective. It also provides stability and security for your children, as they witness a united front and consistent prioritization of their needs, despite any challenges in your co-parenting relationship.

2. Avoid emotional engagement

Emotional engagement with a narcissistic co-parent can be incredibly draining and potentially damaging to your well-being. Staying calm and detached during interactions can help you avoid unnecessary emotional battles that only serve to fuel the narcissist’s need for attention and validation.

Practicing non-reactivity is key to avoiding emotional engagement. This involves recognizing your triggers, taking a step back to process your emotions, and responding calmly rather than reacting emotionally. It’s crucial to remember that you cannot control your co-parent’s behavior or reactions, but you can choose how you respond.

By remaining emotionally neutral and focusing on the facts, you can prevent your co-parent from using your emotions against you and potentially escalating the situation. Additionally, avoid getting drawn into lengthy discussions or arguments that serve no purpose other than to create tension or conflict. Instead, maintain a professional, business-like approach when interacting with your co-parent to keep the focus on the task at hand: providing the best possible care and support for your children.

3. Limit communication

When co-parenting with a narcissist, it’s important to set limits on the frequency and method of communication. Establish designated times and days for discussing child-related matters, and stick to those boundaries. This structure helps minimize unnecessary interactions and potential conflicts.

Choose a communication method that provides a buffer and allows for documentation, such as email or a parenting app. Limiting real-time communication like phone calls or text messages can reduce the potential for impulsive reactions or heated exchanges. Establishing a clear, documented communication trail makes it easier to stay focused on important matters and maintain accountability for both co-parents.

4. Accept their emotional immaturity

Recognize that a narcissistic co-parent is emotionally immature and may be incapable of personal growth without significant self-awareness and professional help. They might struggle with taking responsibility for their actions and instead project their shame, guilt, or insecurities onto others.

It’s crucial to accept that you cannot change or educate them. Attempting to do so will likely only lead to frustration and disappointment. Instead, focus on what you can control—your own actions, responses, and the environment you provide for your children. By releasing the expectation that your co-parent will change, you can better manage your interactions and maintain a sense of emotional stability for your children and yourself.

5. Create a parenting plan

Establishing a comprehensive parenting plan is crucial for successful co-parenting, especially when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent. A well-structured plan clearly outlines each parent’s roles, responsibilities, and expectations, reducing opportunities for conflict and misunderstanding. Include detailed schedules for parenting time, holidays, and vacations, as well as agreed-upon methods for communication and decision-making.

Consider involving a professional mediator, counselor, or family law attorney to help draft the parenting plan, ensuring it addresses the unique challenges presented by a narcissistic co-parent. A solid parenting plan not only provides stability and structure for your children but also serves as a valuable reference point when disputes or misunderstandings arise.

6. Create a custody agreement

When co-parenting with a narcissistic ex, it’s crucial to establish clear legal custody arrangements to minimize opportunities for manipulation. Narcissists often believe they’re the superior parent and may attempt to prove this to others. They might intrude on your parenting time or undermine your plans with the children.

By creating a legally binding custody agreement, you eliminate any ambiguity surrounding parenting time and responsibilities. Both you and your ex will know the specific details of your custody arrangement, reducing potential conflict and uncertainty. A narcissist is less likely to disregard rules when there are legal consequences, providing a more stable and predictable environment for your children.

7. Maintain firm boundaries

When co-parenting with a narcissist, maintaining assertive and healthy boundaries is essential. Narcissists tend to manipulate situations to their advantage, often disregarding rules and pushing limits. To protect your well-being and that of your children, establish clear boundaries and enforce them consistently.

For example, if you begin a new relationship and prefer not to discuss it with your ex, communicate that the topic is off-limits. If they persist in questioning or pressuring you, implement a predetermined consequence, such as ending the conversation or removing yourself from the situation. By consistently enforcing these boundaries, you demonstrate that their manipulative behavior will not be tolerated, fostering a more stable and secure environment for your family.

It’s important to remember that narcissists often struggle to respect boundaries, as they perceive them as a threat to their need for control.

In these situations, it’s crucial to enforce your boundaries by disengaging from interactions with them. 

If your narcissistic co-parent continues to push against your boundaries despite your clear communication, don’t hesitate to end the conversation or remove yourself from the situation. This might mean walking away, asking them to leave your home, or temporarily limiting contact.

By demonstrating a commitment to upholding your boundaries, you protect your well-being and that of your children, while sending a clear message to your co-parent that their attempts at manipulation will not be successful.

8. Practice emotional detachment

One effective strategy for managing interactions with a narcissistic co-parent is practicing emotional detachment. While it can be challenging, maintaining a calm and respectful demeanor can help diffuse tense situations and discourage further conflict.

Narcissists often seek engagement and thrive on high-energy, emotionally charged interactions.

Often narcissists feel powerless, so they try to make others feel helpless and powerless as it makes them feel powerful.

By choosing not to “take the bait” and remaining composed, you can effectively de-escalate potential disputes. This approach not only safeguards your emotional well-being but also serves as a model of healthy communication for your children.

Emotional detachment doesn’t mean being cold or dismissive. Rather, it involves maintaining a mindful awareness of your feelings while choosing not to let them control your reactions. By cultivating emotional detachment, you can better navigate challenging interactions with your co-parent and foster a more peaceful, stable environment for your family.

A good affirmation for this is “when someone tries to disempower me, they remind me of how powerful I am.” Repeating this affirmation can reinforce your resolve to remain calm and composed, empowering you to uphold your boundaries and model healthy communication for your children.

9. Foster discernment

Co-parenting with a narcissist can easily consume your thoughts and emotions, making it difficult to maintain a balanced perspective. Practicing mental detachment can help you view their behavior as a reflection of their own insecurities rather than a personal attack.

By taking a step back and observing the situation objectively, you can recognize their actions as attempts to fuel their inflated sense of self-importance. This understanding allows you to redirect your energy toward your children’s needs and well-being, rather than engaging in pointless battles with your co-parent.

10. Presence over perfection

Co-parenting with a narcissist can be emotionally taxing, as you often find yourself compensating for their lack of stable and calm parenting. Attempting to counteract the effects of their behavior on your children can lead to feelings of burnout and overwhelm.

It’s essential to remember that being a good parent doesn’t require perfection; instead, it’s about being present. 

Research indicates that children need their parents to be attuned to their needs approximately 50% of the time to develop a secure and healthy attachment. This attunement involves understanding and responding to your children’s emotional needs, promoting trust and open communication.

While co-parenting with a narcissist may complicate matters, remember that your consistent presence and responsiveness can help foster resilience in your children. By prioritizing quality time and connection with your children, you provide a stable foundation that can mitigate the effects of their other parent’s behavior.

Recognise that you cannot shield your children from every negative aspect of their other parent’s behavior, and that’s okay.

To prevent emotional burnout, prioritize self-care and seek support from friends, family, or professionals. 

Take time to engage in activities that bring you joy and nourish your mental well-being. Remember, your ability to care for your children is directly tied to your emotional health, so taking care of yourself is vital for your entire family’s well-being.

Internal family systems therapy can help

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is an effective approach for fostering emotional resilience and inner harmony while co-parenting with a narcissist and healing from the past relationship. IFS focuses on understanding and harmonizing various internal “parts” or sub-personalities, which can be particularly beneficial in addressing the complex emotional challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist.

Through IFS therapy, you can explore the emotional wounds caused by the narcissistic relationship, develop self-compassion, and strengthen your capacity to cope with ongoing challenges. By building a more balanced and integrated internal system, you can better manage stress, protect your emotional boundaries, and maintain a nurturing environment for your children.

As you cultivate emotional resilience and inner harmony, you become better equipped to navigate the complexities of co-parenting with a narcissist. This not only benefits your personal well-being but also provides a model of emotional strength and self-care for your children, supporting their development and overall well-being.

Co-parenting with a narcissist is hard, if you’re struggling with the parts of you impacted it may be helpful to seek therapy to heal the parts of you impacted and strengthen your resilient adult self. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

13 Male Narcissist Traits and How to Deal With One 

In a world where self-confidence and assertiveness are often celebrated, distinguishing between healthy self-esteem and pathological narcissism can be challenging. 

Male narcissist traits, in particular, can be difficult to identify and navigate, as societal norms may reinforce or even reward certain aspects of this complex personality type. In this comprehensive article, we delve into the unique characteristics and behaviors associated with male narcissism, shedding light on the nuances of this often misunderstood disorder. By examining key male narcissist traits such as grandiosity, charm, emotional volatility, manipulation, and attention-seeking, we aim to provide a deeper understanding of the male narcissist and offer valuable insights for those interacting with these individuals.

1. Controlling 

Controlling behavior is a hallmark characteristic of narcissism, as individuals with this personality type often seek to maintain power and control in their relationships. This need for control can manifest as manipulation, gaslighting, or isolation tactics, creating a web of control that can be difficult to break free from. By learning to recognize the signs of narcissistic control and implementing strategies to assert your autonomy, you can reclaim your power and well-being.

Signs of Narcissistic Control:

• Constant criticism or belittling of your thoughts, feelings, or actions
• Isolating you from friends, family, or other support systems
• Manipulating situations to make you doubt your own perception or memory (gaslighting)
• Making decisions for you without considering your preferences or needs
• Using guilt, shame, or fear to coerce you into complying with their wishes

Strategies for Breaking Free:

• Recognize and trust your instincts when something feels wrong or manipulative.
• Set clear boundaries and communicate your needs assertively. Don’t allow them to make you feel overly loyal to them. You’re an adult with your own autonomy and agency. Don’t let them capitalise your time if you’re in a relationship with them. Continue your hobbies, see your friends and have time apart, so you remain rooted in your independence.

2. Arrogant and Obnoxious

Arrogance and obnoxiousness are common traits exhibited by individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. This inflated sense of self-importance often serves as a mask, shielding the narcissist from their deep-rooted insecurities. By recognizing the signs of narcissistic arrogance and understanding its roots, you can better manage your interactions with these challenging individuals and maintain a grounded perspective.

Signs of Narcissistic Arrogance:

• A constant need for admiration and validation
• Difficulty accepting criticism or acknowledging mistakes
• Excessive self-promotion or boasting
• A sense of entitlement, expecting special treatment or privileges
• Diminishing or dismissing the accomplishments of others
• A belief that rules don’t apply to them
• An unwavering conviction in their own superiority

Coping with Narcissistic Arrogance:

• Don’t engage in power struggles or debates aimed at deflating their ego, as this will likely escalate the situation.
• Establish and enforce boundaries, communicating your needs and limits firmly and consistently. Instead of vocalising your boundaries, uphold your boundaries by ending the conversation and ending interactions with a person.

3. Manipulative

Narcissists often use manipulation tactics like gaslighting or guilt-tripping to maintain control. It’s important to practice recognising when someone is using guilt-tripping as a tactic to control you and maintaining a firm grip on your reality.

An example of manipulative phrases:

“After everything I’ve done for you”. 

“I’ve done so much for you”.
“I do so much for you and you reject me”.

4. Entitlement

Another example of male narcissist traits are entitlement. A narcissist man will feel entitled to your body and will get angry when you’re tired during bed time and don’t want to conform to his demands. 

A narcissist man also feels entitled to you and will treat you like property. If you say you want personal space for a few hours, a day or a weekend, he will try and control you by saying things like “a woman who wants space says that because she wants to leave you”. 

5. Lacks accountability

Another example of male narcissist traits is their tendency to lack accountability. 

Narcissist men are emotionally immature and stuck in the past. They lack self-awareness about the effects their arrogance, manipulation, control and undermining behaviours impact others emotional well-being. 

They have many defence mechanisms to protect their ego from being bruised and one of these is a lack of accountability. 

Don’t try and change a narcissist. They are emotionally immature and stuck in the past, they can’t accept rejection or responsibility and prioritise their ego and image over other people’s emotional safety. Trying to get them to take accountability for their actions is a waste of energy. Surround yourself with emotionally mature people who are self-aware, growth minded and have other mindedness. 

6. Love bombing 

Narcissists will use love bombing to get you hooked in a relationship and will love bomb with attention, time and gifts to trap you into a controlling and manipulative relationship. 

Healthy relationships grow organically and naturally over time. Love bombing is a tactic they use to escalate the physical and emotional intimacy of a relationship and get you attached, before you have the time to stay logical and discerning about how emotionally safe and trustworthy they are. 

They will want to rush the milestones in a relationship, so they can make you dependent on them and they can have full control over you.

To counteract this, give yourself in very small doses when getting to know people. This allows you to stay rooted and maintain your independence and take your time in building a friendship with someone to see if you like them and trust them before escalating intimacy.

7. Low-self esteem

A narcissist will have extremely low self-esteem, which can make them a dangerous person to be around. 

It’s important to surround yourself with confident people who will be respectful towards you. 

Narcissists will often be arrogant to undermine your confidence and will gain self-esteem by tarnishing your self-esteem.

If someone isn’t confident in their own skin, there is a greater chance that they will be controlling, manipulative and will devalue you or discredit you in a community, which can make you vulnerable to emotional abuse, bullying and isolation.

Limit your interactions with people who have low self-esteem to protect your wellbeing. 

8. Disrespectful

Narcissists are often disrespectful but this can be hidden under the guise of joking, mocking and belittling. 

Although it may seem like nothing at face value, disrespect does tarnish someone’s emotional wellbeing and self-esteem. 

Remember that everyone has a right for respect and mocking, belittling and undermining someone isn’t ok. 

Limit your interactions with someone who is disrespectful, as they’re not a trustworthy or safe person.

9. Grandiosity

Grandiosity is a central characteristic of narcissistic men, often presenting as an exaggerated sense of self-importance and an unwavering belief in their own superiority. This inflated ego can manifest in various ways, from boasting about their achievements and capabilities to exaggerating their social status or influence. Narcissistic men may assume they are entitled to special treatment or privileges and view others as inferior or less deserving of recognition. 

This grandiose sense of self can create challenges in personal and professional relationships, as these men often struggle to acknowledge their limitations, accept criticism, or empathize with others’ experiences. Over time, this grandiosity can become exhausting and alienating for those around them, reinforcing the sense of isolation that often lies at the core of narcissistic personality disorder.

10. Interpersonally exploitative

Narcissists may exploit others for personal gain. Healthy people don’t use your emotional traumas or weaknesses against you to control you. 

When you share vulnerable information with a narcissist, or they find your vulnerabilities, they will exploit your triggers to control you and keep you trapped in a relationship based on manipulation, guilt, indebtedness and control.

To protect yourself from this, refrain from sharing emotional traumas with people until you have got to know their character and built trust. Some might say minimum 3 months, others might say 6 months. 

Keeping personal information to yourself is a way to emotionally safeguard yourself from emotional exploitation.

Another thing you can do is to be careful of the groups and communities you join. Often narcissist men will use community to further exacerbate their emotional abuse and control. If you have met this person in a toxic culture, where there is a lack of safeguarding and the head of the organisation is toxic, it’s likely others in the community will be as well. 

Practice vetting for safe communities that have a healthy culture (they are free of gossip and rumours), a safeguarding lead and safe guarding policy in place. 

11. Charming persona

A charming persona is another example of male narcissist traits to be mindful of.

This superficial charm often masks a deeper, more complex reality, with the narcissist’s true insecurities of self-hatred lurking beneath the surface. 

As time goes on, the cracks in their charming persona begin to show, revealing a far less attractive side such as narcissistic rage, control, possessiveness and intimidation tactics.

12. Attention seeking

Attention-seeking behavior is another example of male narcissist traits. This desire for constant validation and admiration stems from the narcissist’s deep-seated need to feel superior and important. 

By consistently seeking the spotlight, they aim to reinforce their grandiose self-image and gain external confirmation of their worth. This behavior can manifest as exaggerated achievements, frequent self-promotion, or even creating drama to keep the focus on themselves. Over time, this incessant attention-seeking can strain relationships and create challenges for those interacting with the narcissist.

13. Contemptuous 

Narcissists often exhibit a contemptuous attitude toward others. Say for example you reject a narcissist man, he will become contemptuous towards you. 

As a woman it’s important to know your rights. You have a right to decline a date, you have a right to stop intimacy and you have a right to change your mind. 

If a man has contempt and anger towards you for having boundaries and self-worth, they’re an unsafe person and this needs to be seen as a red flag.

Emotionally mature men can accept rejection and it’s a hallmark of healthy and equal relationships. When a man is contemptuous towards you for rejecting them, so much that they spread false rumours about you to minimise you, they are an emotionally exploitative person.

Instead of going to therapy to manage their own feelings of rejection like a responsible adult, instead he has to control people’s perceptions of him.

Start practicing noticing this emotion of contempt in others and it will protect you from emotional harm. 

14. Emotional volatility

Emotional volatility is a characteristic commonly associated with narcissistic individuals. This unpredictable emotional landscape can manifest as intense mood swings, sudden outbursts, or rapid shifts in emotional states, creating challenges for those interacting with the narcissist. 

By gaining insight into the nature of emotional volatility and adopting strategies to maintain balance, you can better navigate these turbulent emotional waters.

Understanding Narcissistic emotional volatility:

Emotional volatility in narcissistic individuals can stem from their difficulty in regulating emotions, low self-esteem, and a deep-seated need for control. This instability can lead to reactive, aggressive, or manipulative behaviors as the narcissist seeks to protect their fragile sense of self-worth.

Signs of Narcissistic Emotional Volatility:

• Sudden shifts in mood or emotional state, often without apparent reason
• Explosive or irrational reactions to perceived criticism or rejection (particularly if you decline physical intimacy, often they will be relentless and will be coercive)
• A tendency to become easily offended or enraged
• Periods of intense anger or irritation followed by periods of apparent calm

Coping Strategies:

To preserve your emotional well-being while interacting with a narcissist experiencing emotional volatility, consider the following strategies:

• Set firm boundaries and communicate your limits calmly and assertively.
• Avoid engaging in arguments or trying to reason with the narcissist during episodes of heightened emotionality.

Practice self-care and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to process your experiences and build resilience.

15. Projection

Narcissistic projection is a psychological defense mechanism commonly observed in individuals with narcissistic tendencies. This behavior entails attributing their own undesirable traits, insecurities, or shortcomings onto others as a means of avoiding self-reflection and preserving their grandiose self-image.

When a narcissist projects, they unconsciously cast their negative qualities onto the people around them, effectively turning the spotlight away from themselves and their potential flaws. As a result, those on the receiving end may feel unjustly criticized, misunderstood, or wrongly accused.

Recognising Narcissistic Projection:

Identifying instances of narcissistic projection can be challenging, but some signs to look for include:

• Frequently being accused of having traits or behaviors that the narcissist themselves exhibit
• Feeling confused, attacked, or misunderstood during interactions with the narcissist
• Experiencing a consistent pattern of blame and criticism that seems disproportionate or unfounded

Resisting Internalisation:

To protect your emotional well-being and maintain a strong sense of self, it’s crucial to resist internalizing the narcissist’s negative projections. Here are some strategies to help:

• Practice self-awareness and emotional resilience to build a stronger foundation of self-worth.
• Set boundaries and disengage from interactions when narcissistic projection becomes evident.
• Seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional to validate your experiences and provide guidance.

Summary of male narcissist traits

In conclusion, understanding the unique characteristics and behaviors associated with male narcissistic traits can provide valuable insight into the complexities of this personality type. By recognizing the signs of grandiosity, charm, emotional volatility, manipulation, and attention-seeking, we can better navigate our interactions with narcissistic men and protect our own well-being. However, it is essential to approach this topic with empathy and compassion, acknowledging the deep-rooted insecurities and vulnerabilities that often underlie these challenging behaviors. As we strive to create healthier relationships and foster greater emotional intelligence, exploring the world of male narcissism can offer valuable lessons in self-awareness, boundary-setting, and the importance of genuine connection.

If this resonates, you’re not alone. If you’re dealing with a narcissist and you’d like support, you can go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.