Codependency

  • Codependency, Abusive relationships

    Fawn Response to Narcissistic Abuse in Relationships: Understanding, Healing, and Reclaiming Yourself

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    Fawn Response to Narcissistic Abuse in Relationships: Understanding, Healing, and Reclaiming Yourself

    Living with a narcissist can leave you feeling emotionally drained, invisible, or constantly on edge. If you find yourself over-accommodating, apologizing excessively, or suppressing your own needs just to maintain peace, you may be experiencing the fawn response. Understanding the fawn response to narcissistic abuse in relationships is essential to breaking cycles of self-neglect, reclaiming your voice, and beginning the journey toward authentic self-expression.

    When you’ve been operating in fawn mode for years, it’s common to hold yourself to impossible standards. You might feel responsible for everyone else’s feelings, believe you must prevent conflict at all costs, or think you need to anticipate every need before it arises. The reality is that you cannot control the choices, behaviors, or emotional responses of others. You also cannot always manage the consequences of their actions. Learning to tolerate other people’s discomfort, especially if expressing your own emotions was unsafe in childhood, is a critical step in healing.

    Many people who fawn over narcissists learned to surrender their boundaries and suppress assertiveness as a survival strategy. Over-accommodating, appeasing, and submitting helped you feel some sense of safety or control in unsafe environments. While this helped you survive as a child, it can leave adults feeling disconnected from their own needs and voices, especially in emotionally manipulative or abusive relationships.

    Losing Touch With Yourself Through Fawning

    Fawning is a form of extreme people-pleasing that disconnects you from your own emotions and needs. Often, as a child, you weren’t allowed to express anger, sadness, or fear. Now, you may struggle to even identify what you feel. Paradoxically, you might be highly attuned to the emotions of others, instinctively sensing moods, needs, and expectations in the room.

    When you fawn over a narcissist, you may hope that accommodating them will earn love, approval, or kindness. In reality, this rarely occurs. Instead, you consistently prioritize the narcissist’s needs above your own. Over time, this pattern erodes your sense of self and you lose track of what you want, what feels safe, and what you need to thrive. Reconnecting with yourself is essential for breaking the fawn response to narcissistic abuse in relationships.

    Connecting to Your Anger

    One of the most important steps in healing is recognizing emotions that have been buried. If fawning is your primary trauma response, anger and frustration may feel hidden or even forbidden. Many people who fawn bury these emotions to avoid conflict or protect themselves.

    Anger is a natural, valid response to mistreatment. When it is turned inward, it can manifest as depression, self-blame, or low self-esteem. Exploring who or what you are frustrated with—whether the narcissist, past experiences, or even yourself—can help you reclaim your power. Learning to express anger safely and constructively is a key part of therapy and an important tool for breaking free from fawning patterns.

    Pursuing Your Own Interests

    Fawning often creates an identity based on being likable or constantly caring for others. Reclaiming a sense of self means prioritizing your own passions, goals, and hobbies. This may feel unfamiliar if you’ve spent years focusing on others’ needs and approval.

    Start small: write down personal goals, explore hobbies that excite you, or dedicate time to self-care. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment reinforces that your worth is independent of the approval of others. Over time, pursuing your own interests strengthens self-approval, reduces fawning behaviors, and reconnects you with your authentic self.

    Setting Boundaries

    A key feature of the fawn response is surrendering boundaries. Learning to assert yourself is crucial for reclaiming your autonomy. Boundaries don’t have to be confrontational—they can be as simple as disengaging from conflict, grey rocking, or calmly removing yourself from harmful situations. A neutral phrase like, “I hear you, but I need to step away,” protects your energy while reinforcing autonomy.

    It’s also important to remember that asserting boundaries is a skill, often not developed in childhood for those who grew up in emotionally unsafe environments. Be patient with yourself. Each small step of setting a boundary strengthens your internal sense of safety and reduces the automatic compulsion to fawn.

    Codependency and Emotional Self-Harm

    The fawn response is closely connected to codependent patterns. Codependency involves prioritizing the needs of others over your own, seeking constant approval, and feeling responsible for someone else’s emotions or happiness. Staying in a push-pull, unpredictable relationship—where love and warmth are mixed with withdrawal, criticism, or manipulation—can function as a form of self-harm.

    You may give empathy, care, and attention repeatedly, only to be met with mistreatment or gaslighting. This dynamic erodes your sense of self and reinforces trauma patterns. Recognizing this as a survival strategy rather than a personal flaw allows for a more compassionate approach to healing.

    Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonds

    Part of what makes the fawn response so difficult to break in narcissistic relationships is intermittent reinforcement. Narcissistic partners often fluctuate between warmth, appreciation, or affection and coldness, withdrawal, or gaslighting. This unpredictability creates trauma bonds, keeping you emotionally hooked and hoping for the “good” moments.

    When narcissists cannot manage their own emotions or take accountability, they may offer weak apologies or deny their behavior. For someone conditioned to fawn, this inconsistency reinforces hope that the relationship will improve. Understanding this with compassion helps you see that fawning and codependent patterns were survival strategies, not personal failings.

    Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the Fawn Response

    Internal Family Systems provides a framework to work compassionately with the fawn response. IFS recognizes that the mind is composed of multiple parts, each with its own feelings, beliefs, and strategies. Protective parts often drive fawning behaviors, while vulnerable parts carry shame, fear, or unmet emotional needs.

    Through IFS, you can:

    • Identify the parts that compel you to people-please
    • Understand the fears motivating protective behaviors
    • Connect with vulnerable parts carrying past trauma
    • Strengthen the Self, the grounded, compassionate inner leader who can guide your parts toward safety and healing

    Viewing fawning through an IFS lens reframes it as a protective strategy that we learned to protect us from harm rather than a personal flaw, creates compassion and healing.

    IFS Steps: Befriend, Heal, Integrate

    Healing the fawn response using IFS can be understood in three steps: befriend, heal, and integrate.

    Befriend Your Parts

    The first step is befriending the parts of yourself involved in fawning. Protective parts are trying to keep you safe, while vulnerable parts carry old wounds. Approaching these parts with curiosity and kindness helps reduce internal conflict and prepares them for healing. You might internally say:

    • “I see you, and I understand you’re trying to protect me.”
    • “Thank you for keeping me safe, even if your methods are causing challenges now.”

    Heal the Wounds

    Once you’ve befriended your parts, the next step is healing the trauma or unmet needs they carry. Vulnerable parts may hold memories of childhood neglect, criticism, or unsafe environments. Healing involves:

    • Listening to these parts and acknowledging their experiences
    • Validating their feelings and needs
    • Offering reassurance, care, and support from the Self

    For example, a part that feels invisible may need repeated reassurance that it is safe to express its feelings and that its needs are valid. Protective parts can also be reassured that boundaries and self-expression will not put you in danger.

    Integrate Your Parts

    Integration means bringing your parts into a harmonious relationship with the Self. Protective parts no longer need to compel fawning, vulnerable parts feel seen and supported, and the Self leads interactions and decision-making. Integration allows you to respond consciously to situations rather than reacting automatically out of survival instinct.

    Practical ways to integrate include observing triggers, dialoguing with your parts in a journal, offering reassurance from the Self, and practicing self-expression in daily life.

    Reclaiming Your Voice and Autonomy

    Healing the fawn response involves reconnecting with yourself and taking small, practical steps:

    • Notice your feelings, particularly anger and frustration
    • Express your needs and assert boundaries
    • Engage in hobbies, passions, and personal goals
    • Use affirmations like, “My feelings matter,” and, “It’s safe to honor my needs”

    Over time, these practices reduce automatic fawning, weaken trauma bonds, and help you reconnect with your authentic self.

    Taking the first step in healing

    If you recognize the fawn response to narcissistic abuse in relationships and want guidance in reclaiming your voice, autonomy, and emotional safety, support is available. Working with a trained IFS practitioner can help you:

    • Befriend protective and vulnerable parts
    • Heal childhood wounds driving fawning
    • Integrate your parts under the guidance of the Self
    • Build self-compassion, assertiveness, and healthy boundaries

    You deserve relationships where your needs are respected, and your voice is heard. If you’re ready to step into your authentic self and begin this healing journey, book a consultation today.

  • Codependency

    How to Heal the Fawn Response (Reclaiming Your Voice and Power)

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    How to Heal the Fawn Response – Reclaiming Your Voice and Power

    The fawn response is a survival strategy that many people develop in response to trauma, often in childhood. Therapist Pete Walker, author and expert on complex trauma, coined the term to describe the people-pleasing, compliance-driven behavior some survivors use to avoid conflict or rejection. If you find yourself constantly prioritizing others’ comfort over your own or struggling to express your needs without guilt, understanding how to heal the fawn response can be transformative.

    This response is not a flaw or weakness; it is a protective mechanism formed to keep you safe when asserting yourself felt risky. Learning how to heal the fawn response allows you to reclaim personal power, build authentic relationships, and create emotional freedom.

    What Is the Fawn Response?

    The fawn response is one of the four primary trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn). While fight and flight mobilize energy to resist or escape danger, and freeze immobilizes, the fawn response focuses on appeasing others to prevent harm.

    People who develop this response often:

    • Say yes to requests they don’t want to fulfill
    • Avoid conflict at all costs
    • Suppress personal needs or opinions
    • Prioritize others’ feelings over their own

    Understanding how to heal the fawn response requires recognizing that it emerged as a survival strategy, not a personal failing.

    How Trauma Shapes the Fawn Response

    The fawn response often develops in environments where expressing needs or emotions felt unsafe. This can include:

    • Childhood trauma (emotional, physical, or verbal)
    • Highly critical or controlling caregivers
    • Abusive or neglectful relationships
    • Chronic invalidation of feelings or desires

    Polyvagal Theory helps explain why this happens. The theory suggests that the nervous system has multiple states that respond to threat: fight, flight, freeze, and social engagement. The fawn response often arises when the nervous system shifts into a state aimed at appeasing perceived danger to maintain safety. Understanding this connection is a helpful framework for learning how to heal the fawn response.

    Signs You May Be Experiencing the Fawn Response

    Before addressing healing, it’s helpful to identify patterns:

    • Difficulty saying no or setting boundaries
    • Over-apologizing or feeling guilty for asserting yourself
    • Avoiding conflict even when necessary
    • Seeking constant approval from others
    • Losing touch with your own desires or opinions

    If these patterns feel familiar, you may benefit from exploring how to heal the fawn response and reclaim your authentic self.

    Develop Awareness

    Awareness is the first step in learning how to heal the fawn response. Notice situations where you automatically comply, people-please, or suppress your feelings. Ask yourself:

    • What am I afraid will happen if I assert myself?
    • Which part of me learned to respond this way?
    • What protective intention does this behavior serve?

    Observing patterns without judgment is empowering, as it creates space for choice and conscious action.

    Connect With Protective Parts

    The fawn response is maintained by protective parts of your internal system. These parts, sometimes called managers or protectors in Internal Family Systems (IFS), attempt to keep you safe by avoiding conflict or rejection.

    Understanding their purpose is central to how to heal the fawn response. Protective parts are not enemies; they are trying to prevent harm. Approaching them with curiosity and compassion helps you gain permission to explore underlying vulnerabilities safely.

    Identify Vulnerable Inner Parts

    Beneath the fawn response lies a vulnerable inner child or part carrying fear, shame, or rejection. These parts may have learned early that asserting needs or speaking up was unsafe.

    Learning how to heal the fawn response involves connecting with these vulnerable parts, acknowledging their pain, and offering reassurance. When these inner parts feel safe, the need to fawn diminishes over time.

    Practice Boundary Setting

    One of the most practical ways to heal the fawn response is to develop and practice healthy boundaries. Boundaries are acts of self-respect, not aggression. Start small:

    • Say no to a request that feels overwhelming
    • Express a minor preference in a safe relationship
    • Communicate your feelings calmly and clearly

    Practicing boundaries consistently teaches both your internal system and your external world that your needs matter. This is a key step in how to heal the fawn response.

    Reclaim Your Voice

    The fawn response often silences your authentic voice. To heal, intentionally create opportunities to express yourself. This can include:

    • Sharing opinions in low-stakes settings
    • Journaling thoughts and desires
    • Practicing assertive communication with friends or supportive people

    Reclaiming your voice reinforces your sense of agency and is central to how to heal the fawn response effectively.

    Use Mantras to Break the Pattern

    Mantras can help rewire habitual fawning behaviors. Repeating these affirmations daily can reinforce internal safety and self-respect:

    • “My needs and feelings matter.”
    • “It is safe for me to say no.”
    • “I can assert myself without fear of rejection.”
    • “I honor my voice and boundaries.”
    • “I am allowed to prioritize myself without guilt.”

    Incorporating mantras is a practical and empowering part of how to heal the fawn response.

    Work With Triggers

    The fawn response often activates in response to specific triggers, such as criticism, perceived judgment, or conflict. Learning to recognize and work with these triggers is essential.

    • Pause before responding and notice the urge to comply or appease
    • Identify which protective part is activated and what it fears
    • Engage your adult Self to respond with calm and clarity

    By systematically approaching triggers, you gradually weaken the automatic fawn response. This is an essential skill in how to heal the fawn response over time.

    Practice Self-Compassion

    Healing the fawn response is not about forcing change overnight. It involves patience, curiosity, and self-compassion. Recognize that these patterns developed for survival and that every effort to assert yourself or set a boundary is a success.

    Self-compassion reinforces the internal safety necessary for the fawn response to soften. Remind yourself: “It is okay to prioritize my needs. My voice matters.” This affirmation is central in how to heal the fawn response sustainably.

    Integrate Supportive Relationships

    Supportive relationships can accelerate healing. Friends, mentors, or therapists who validate your experiences and encourage autonomy provide safe spaces to practice new patterns. When others honor your boundaries and listen without judgment, your internal system learns that asserting yourself is safe.

    Learning how to heal the fawn response in the context of supportive connections strengthens resilience and reinforces long-term change.

    Commit to Ongoing Practice

    Healing the fawn response is a journey rather than a one-time intervention. Daily practice, reflection, and consistent engagement with your internal system are essential. Over time, you will notice:

    • Reduced automatic people-pleasing
    • Greater confidence in asserting needs
    • Increased emotional resilience
    • Stronger, more authentic connections

    Committing to this practice embodies the essence of how to heal the fawn response fully and sustainably.

    Why Healing the Fawn Response Is Empowering

    Healing the fawn response restores personal power, autonomy, and self-respect. It allows you to:

    • Communicate honestly and assertively
    • Build relationships based on mutual respect rather than approval-seeking
    • Reconnect with your authentic self
    • Experience emotional freedom and self-compassion

    By addressing the fawn response at its roots, you reclaim control over your life and internal system, creating lasting change.

    Reclaim your personal power

    If you resonate with this guide on how to heal the fawn response and are ready to reclaim your voice and personal power, support is available. Working with a trained practitioner can help you:

    • Safely connect with protective and vulnerable parts
    • Practice boundaries and assertive communication
    • Strengthen self-compassion and resilience

    If you want guidance in healing the fawn response and stepping into your authentic power, you are welcome to book a consultation. You deserve to honor your needs, express your voice, and build authentic, empowering relationships.

  • Codependency

    The Fawn Response in Adulthood (When Pleasing Others Becomes a Survival Strategy)

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    The Fawn Response in Adulthood (When Pleasing Others Becomes a Survival Strategy)

    Many adults move through life feeling responsible for other people’s comfort, emotions, and reactions. They may struggle to say no, feel anxious about conflict, or notice that they automatically prioritize others’ needs over their own. These patterns are often mislabeled as personality traits or poor boundaries. In reality, they are frequently trauma responses. Understanding the fawn response in adulthood helps reframe these behaviors through a lens of compassion rather than self criticism.

    The fawn response is one of the four primary trauma responses, alongside fight, flight, and freeze. While fight and flight are more commonly discussed, the fawn response in adulthood often goes unnoticed because it is socially rewarded. People who fawn are often described as kind, easygoing, or emotionally intelligent, even when their behavior is driven by fear rather than choice.

    What the Fawn Response Is and How It Develops

    The fawn response is a survival strategy that emerges when safety depends on appeasing others. When a child grows up in an environment where emotional expression leads to punishment, withdrawal, or instability, the nervous system adapts. Instead of fighting back or fleeing, the child learns that staying agreeable, attentive, and compliant is the safest option.

    Over time, this strategy becomes automatic. The body learns to scan for emotional cues and adjust behavior accordingly. In the fawn response in adulthood, this pattern continues long after the original environment has changed. The nervous system still reacts as if emotional safety is fragile and dependent on others’ approval.

    How the Fawn Response in Adulthood Shows Up

    For many adults, the fawn response in adulthood feels invisible because it is so ingrained. It often shows up as chronic people pleasing, over functioning in relationships, and an ongoing fear of disappointing others. Saying no can feel physically uncomfortable or even dangerous, while asserting needs may bring up guilt or anxiety.

    Many people notice that they agree to things they do not want, minimize their own emotions, or apologize reflexively. They may feel responsible for smoothing over tension or fixing other people’s discomfort. Over time, this leads to exhaustion, resentment, and a sense of being disconnected from oneself.

    The Nervous System and the Need for Connection

    From a nervous system perspective, the fawn response in adulthood is rooted in attachment. Humans are wired to seek connection, especially in moments of threat. When connection feels conditional, the nervous system prioritizes maintaining harmony at all costs.

    Fawning often develops when fight does not feel safe, flight is not possible, and freeze feels too isolating. Appeasement becomes the most effective way to stay connected. Even in adulthood, the body may react to minor relational tension as if survival is at stake, creating anxiety and urgency to fix or smooth things over.

    The Emotional Cost of Fawning

    While the fawn response in adulthood may help maintain relationships, it often comes at a significant emotional cost. Constantly prioritizing others leaves little room for self awareness or self care. Many people feel burned out, emotionally depleted, or unsure of what they actually want.

    Over time, resentment can build, even toward people who are not intentionally demanding. This resentment is often turned inward as shame, reinforcing the belief that something is wrong with the self. The nervous system remains in a state of hypervigilance, always watching for potential relational threats.

    Fawning Versus Genuine Kindness

    It is important to distinguish between genuine kindness and the fawn response in adulthood. Kindness comes from choice, presence, and self connection. Fawning comes from fear and obligation.

    When fawning is active, helping others feels compulsory rather than intentional. There is often an underlying belief that being liked is necessary for safety. Recognizing this difference allows space for care that does not require self abandonment.

    Loss of Identity and the Fawn Response

    One of the most painful impacts of the fawn response in adulthood is the gradual loss of identity. When attention is constantly focused on others, it becomes difficult to know your own preferences, values, or desires.

    Many adults describe feeling like they shape shift depending on who they are with. This is not a failure of character. It is a nervous system adaptation that once kept them safe. Healing involves slowly reconnecting with the parts of the self that learned to stay hidden.

    Healing the Fawn Response in Adulthood

    Healing the fawn response is not about forcing assertiveness or pushing yourself into uncomfortable situations before your system is ready. That approach often increases anxiety and reinforces fear. True healing begins with understanding and compassion.

    The fawn response in adulthood developed to protect you. When it is met with curiosity rather than judgment, it becomes possible to create change without overwhelming the nervous system.

    Healing Fawning Through Internal Family Systems (IFS)

    Internal Family Systems offers a particularly gentle and effective way to work with the fawn response in adulthood. From an IFS perspective, fawning is not your identity. It is a protective part that learned to manage relational threat.

    This fawn part often believes that harmony equals safety. It works tirelessly to prevent rejection, conflict, or abandonment, often on behalf of younger parts that carry fear or shame. Rather than trying to eliminate this part, IFS focuses on building a relationship with it.

    Building Trust With the Fawn Part

    In IFS, healing begins by approaching the fawn part with respect. This part is often exhausted from carrying so much responsibility. When it feels understood, it becomes more willing to soften.

    From a calm and compassionate Self state, you can begin to acknowledge how hard this part has worked and why it learned these strategies. This validation helps the nervous system relax and reduces internal conflict.

    Meeting the Vulnerable Parts Beneath Fawning

    Beneath the fawn response in adulthood are often younger parts that hold pain from early experiences of rejection, emotional neglect, or instability. These parts may fear being too much or not enough.

    IFS allows the adult Self to gently connect with these vulnerable parts and offer reassurance, presence, and care. As these parts feel safer, the fawn protector no longer needs to work as intensely to keep the system safe.

    Moving Slowly and Respecting Pace

    Healing the fawn response in adulthood requires moving slowly. This response developed to prevent overwhelm, so rushing can trigger more anxiety.

    Change often happens in small moments, such as pausing before saying yes, noticing bodily signals, or expressing a mild preference. Each small step builds internal trust and expands the system’s capacity for authenticity.

    Integration and Relational Change

    As the fawn response in adulthood softens, many people notice that relationships begin to feel more balanced. They are better able to tolerate discomfort, express needs, and remain connected to themselves even when others are upset.

    This does not mean relationships become conflict free. Instead, the nervous system learns that conflict does not equal danger. Over time, people experience a stronger sense of self and deeper, more authentic connection.

    You Are Not Broken

    If you recognize yourself in the fawn response in adulthood, it is important to remember that you are not broken. Your nervous system adapted intelligently to protect you in an environment where safety was uncertain.

    Healing is not about getting rid of parts of yourself. It is about helping your system update and learn that new options are now available.

    A Gentle Invitation

    If this resonates and you would like support working with the fawn response in adulthood, IFS therapy can help you understand your protective parts, heal underlying wounds, and build a sense of safety within yourself.

    If you would like to explore this work together at a pace that feels supportive and respectful, you are welcome to reach out and book a consultation. You deserve relationships that do not require you to disappear.

  • IFS Therapy, Codependency

    IFS Self Abandonment, CPTSD, and Codependency: How We Learned to Leave Ourselves to Stay Safe

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    IFS Self Abandonment, CPTSD, and Codependency: How We Learned to Leave Ourselves to Stay Safe

    What Is Self-Abandonment?

    Self-abandonment is one of the most painful and least visible wounds many trauma survivors carry. It rarely announces itself loudly. Instead, it shows up quietly, in everyday moments where we override ourselves without noticing. We say yes when our body says no. We stay silent when something feels wrong. We put our needs on hold because someone else seems to need us more.

    Self-abandonment happens when we repeatedly prioritise other people’s emotions, needs, or comfort over our own in order to preserve connection, safety, or belonging. It is rarely a conscious decision. More often, it is something our nervous system learned very early on.

    When we look at this through the lens of ifs self abandonment, we begin to see that this pattern did not develop because we lacked self-worth. It developed because, at some point, staying connected mattered more than staying true to ourselves.

    A Parts-Based Understanding of Self-Abandonment

    Internal Family Systems offers a compassionate framework for understanding why self-abandonment can persist even when we intellectually know it is harming us. Rather than asking why we keep doing this, IFS invites us to ask which part of us learned that this was necessary.

    In ifs self abandonment, we understand that different parts of us took on specific roles to protect us in environments that were emotionally unsafe, neglectful, or unpredictable. These parts learned that expressing needs, setting boundaries, or prioritising ourselves could lead to conflict, withdrawal, punishment, or emotional collapse in others.

    From this perspective, self-abandonment is not a flaw. It is an adaptation. It is a strategy that once made sense.

    CPTSD and Growing Up in an Unsafe World

    To really understand ifs self abandonment, we need to talk about Complex PTSD.

    CPTSD develops when someone grows up in an environment that feels chronically unsafe. This might involve emotional neglect, abuse, inconsistent caregiving, addiction, untreated mental illness, or caregivers who were overwhelmed and unable to regulate themselves.

    In these environments, children do not get to focus on their own inner world. Their nervous systems are organised around survival.

    Many children with CPTSD become hyper-vigilant to the emotions of others. They learn to scan constantly for shifts in mood, tone, and energy. They notice what others need before anyone says a word. They learn when to speak, when to stay quiet, and when to intervene.

    Often, these children become the emotional regulators for their parents. They soothe distress, de-escalate conflict, provide comfort, and manage emotional chaos. They rescue caregivers from their inability to regulate themselves.

    This is not maturity. It is emotional parentification.

    And this is where codependency is often born.

    From Emotional Parentification to Codependency

    When a child is required to regulate a caregiver’s emotions, a powerful internal belief forms, my needs are less important than everyone else’s. Love becomes something that must be earned through usefulness, compliance, or emotional labour.

    As adults, these early adaptations often show up as codependency.

    Through ifs self abandonment, we can see that codependency is not about weakness or neediness. It is about having a nervous system that learned safety came from people-pleasing, rescuing, and staying small.

    Even long after we leave the original environment, these parts do not automatically update. They continue to operate as if the danger is still present.

    Signs of Codependency and Self-Abandonment

    Recognising codependency is not about labelling or pathologising yourself. It is about understanding what your system learned to do to survive.

    Common signs include:

    • Difficulty knowing what you want, need, or feel
    • Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions or well-being
    • Anxiety, guilt, or fear when setting boundaries
    • Chronic people-pleasing or conflict avoidance
    • Over-functioning in relationships while others under-function
    • Staying in relationships that feel draining, unsafe, or one-sided
    • Fear of abandonment or rejection when you express needs

    In ifs self abandonment, these signs tell us that certain protective parts are working very hard to maintain connection, even when that connection comes at the cost of our authenticity and safety.

    Codependent Parts and Their Protective Roles

    IFS helps us understand codependency not as a personality trait, but as a system of parts with specific protective intentions.

    Some common codependent parts include:

    • A hyper-vigilant part that constantly monitors others’ moods
    • A fawning part that appeases, agrees, and smooths things over
    • A rescuer or fixer part that takes responsibility for others’ pain
    • A self-silencing part that minimises needs to avoid conflict

    These parts often formed early, when being attuned to others was essential for safety. In ifs self abandonment, these protectors may override bodily sensations, emotional truth, and intuition in order to prevent perceived danger.

    IFS does not try to eliminate these parts. Instead, it helps us build relationships with them, understand what they are afraid would happen if they stopped, and offer them reassurance that the present is different from the past.

    Trauma Bonds and the Reinforcement of Self-Abandonment

    Trauma bonds form when attachment wounds combine with emotional intensity and inconsistency. These bonds can strongly reinforce ifs self abandonment.

    In trauma-bonded relationships, periods of closeness are often followed by withdrawal, conflict, or emotional volatility. The nervous system becomes conditioned to equate relief with love and endurance with loyalty.

    For people with CPTSD, trauma bonds feel familiar. They mirror early relational dynamics where connection was unpredictable and had to be earned through effort or sacrifice.

    In these relationships, codependent parts often become even more activated. They apologise excessively, explain themselves repeatedly, rescue others from distress, and take blame in order to restore connection.

    Why Boundaries Feel So Hard With CPTSD

    For many people with CPTSD, boundaries do not feel protective. They feel dangerous.

    Early experiences taught us that setting limits could lead to anger, withdrawal, punishment, or emotional collapse in caregivers. Boundaries were ignored, mocked, or treated as rejection.

    In ifs self abandonment (and looking at boundaries through the lens of IFS) those who have difficulty with boundaries often comes from parts that believe saying no will lead to abandonment, expressing needs will cause harm, or having limits will provoke retaliation.

    IFS helps these parts understand that boundaries are no longer threats. In the present, boundaries can create stability, clarity, and emotional safety.

    IFS Therapy and Healing Self-Abandonment

    IFS therapy is particularly effective for working with self-abandonment and codependency because it does not shame survival strategies.

    In ifs self abandonment work, therapy often involves identifying the parts that override needs or boundaries, understanding the fears driving them, and helping them trust Self as an internal leader.

    As Self energy grows, parts begin to relax. They no longer need to manage connection or prevent harm at all costs.

    Healing does not happen by forcing parts to change. It happens through relationship.

    Setting Boundaries to Break Codependency

    In IFS, boundaries are not just external actions. They are internal shifts.

    IFS-informed boundary work includes learning to notice bodily signals of discomfort, slowing down automatic yeses, pausing before responding, and allowing Self to speak instead of reactive parts.

    In ifs self abandonment, boundaries become a way of staying connected to yourself, rather than something that distances you from others.

    Setting boundaries is not about punishment. It is about self-connection.

    Compassion Without Leaving Yourself Behind

    Many people fear that healing ifs self abandonment and healing their boundary-wounded parts will make them selfish, cold, or uncaring. This fear often belongs to parts that equate self-sacrifice with love.

    IFS gently challenges this belief.

    You can have empathy without abandoning yourself.
    You can understand someone’s pain without taking responsibility for it.
    You can be compassionate and still honour your limits.

    Real compassion includes yourself.

    Guilt, Fear, and Staying With Yourself

    As you begin to stop self-abandoning, uncomfortable feelings often arise. Guilt, anxiety, and fear are common. These feelings do not mean you are doing something wrong. They mean you are doing something new.

    In ifs self abandonment, healing involves learning to stay present with these feelings without immediately giving in to them. Over time, your system learns that choosing yourself does not lead to catastrophe.

    Reclaiming the Self After CPTSD

    Healing self-abandonment is not about becoming someone new. It is about reconnecting with the parts of you that were set aside to survive.

    This may involve allowing others to be disappointed, tolerating discomfort when you set limits, and choosing alignment over approval.

    Each time you stay with yourself, you rebuild trust inside.

    From Survival to Self-Trust

    Self-abandonment once protected you. It kept you safe in environments where your needs were not welcomed. But survival strategies are not meant to last forever.

    Through ifs self abandonment work, we learn that we no longer need to disappear to be loved. We can bring our needs, limits, and truth into relationship.

    As codependency loosens and trauma bonds soften, something else begins to grow. Self-trust.

    And from that place, boundaries stop feeling like danger and start feeling like home.

    Taking the Next Step

    If this resonates with you, you are welcome to explore IFS therapy further. A consultation is simply a chance to see whether your parts feel comfortable with me, and whether it feels safe to begin the work. If there are resistant parts, the IFS therapy approach welcomes resistance and looks at how resistance plays a role in protecting us and keeping us safe from disappointment or hurt. This is why we go at your pace and your system leads the way.

  • Codependency

    Codependency and the Drama Triangle: Understanding the Cycle

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    Codependency and the Drama Triangle: Understanding the Cycle

    Recurring conflicts in relationships can feel exhausting and unavoidable. Emotional tension rises, patterns repeat, and it often seems as if the same arguments or struggles occur over and over again. Many of these dynamics are explained by two concepts: codependency and the drama triangle. Understanding codependency and the drama triangle provides a framework for recognizing unhealthy patterns and creating more balanced, authentic connections.

    What Is the Drama Triangle?

    The drama triangle, a model developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman, identifies three roles people often take in conflict: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. The Victim feels overwhelmed, powerless, or unable to manage circumstances effectively. The Persecutor exerts control or blames others, often to assert authority or maintain a sense of safety. The Rescuer steps in to solve problems for the Victim, sometimes neglecting their own needs in the process.

    These roles are rarely fixed; people often shift between them unconsciously. The constant rotation creates a repeating cycle of tension and conflict. For individuals with codependent tendencies, the drama triangle can feel familiar, and stepping into the Rescuer role often becomes automatic. The interaction between codependency and the drama triangle keeps relationships reactive rather than intentional, making it difficult to break free from repetitive patterns.

    How Codependency Interacts with the Drama Triangle

    Codependency is characterized by prioritizing others’ needs, emotions, or approval over one’s own well-being. It often originates in early life experiences where acceptance or love felt conditional. Over time, these patterns develop into habitual behaviors that affect adult relationships.

    When codependency and the drama triangle intersect, the patterns become self-reinforcing. Codependent individuals frequently assume the Rescuer role, feeling compelled to solve others’ problems or protect them from perceived harm. At the same time, they may attract individuals who unconsciously adopt Victim or Persecutor roles, creating repeated cycles of tension. The result is an ongoing dynamic in which relational interactions are dominated by reactive, habitual behaviors rather than conscious choice.

    Recognizing these patterns is critical. Individuals caught in cycles of codependency and the drama triangle may feel drained, anxious, or resentful, yet struggle to step away from the familiar roles they have learned. These dynamics often interfere with emotional well-being and make it difficult to cultivate balanced, authentic relationships.

    Recognizing Patterns in Daily Life

    Codependency and the drama triangle appear in many contexts. A person might feel an urgent need to intervene whenever someone is struggling, stepping in to rescue them even when it is unnecessary. Conflicts may repeatedly escalate, with participants alternating between feeling powerless, controlling, or overresponsible for others. These interactions create tension and prevent individuals from maintaining personal boundaries. Over time, these cycles reinforce internal beliefs of inadequacy, guilt, or hyper-responsibility, which further perpetuate codependent behaviors.

    The patterns are not limited to personal relationships. They also appear in professional settings, family dynamics, and friendships. Recognizing how codependency and the drama triangle manifest in different contexts allows individuals to intervene intentionally rather than being swept along by automatic relational habits.

    Why Codependent Rescuers Are Vulnerable

    Those with codependent tendencies are particularly vulnerable to the drama triangle because the Rescuer role provides a sense of purpose and identity. Helping others can feel rewarding, but it often comes at the expense of personal needs. Codependent Rescuers may neglect themselves, tolerate unhealthy behaviors, and remain entangled in conflict cycles because their self-worth becomes tied to being needed.

    The interaction of codependency and the drama triangle creates a feedback loop. Rescuers feel necessary and gain validation, while Victims rely on their assistance, and Persecutors emerge in response to perceived breaches of boundaries. This interplay maintains relational tension and emotional exhaustion, making it difficult to disengage without conscious intervention.

    Breaking the Cycle

    Interrupting the connection between codependency and the drama triangle requires awareness, self-reflection, and intentional practice. Individuals must first notice when they are stepping into a Rescuer, Victim, or Persecutor role. Slowing down before responding to conflicts allows them to act from choice rather than habit. Setting and maintaining boundaries is critical for protecting emotional energy and preventing automatic engagement in the triangle. Supporting others does not mean taking full responsibility for their feelings or problems; allowing people to experience consequences and manage challenges independently is essential for healthy relational dynamics.

    Self-care is equally important. Codependent patterns thrive when individuals prioritize others over themselves, so creating consistent practices that honor personal needs helps maintain balance. Through awareness, boundary-setting, and self-nurturing, the automatic pull into the drama triangle begins to weaken.

    Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy and the Drama Triangle

    Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a structured approach for understanding and transforming patterns of codependency and the drama triangle. IFS conceptualizes the mind as composed of multiple “parts,” each holding thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. These parts develop protective strategies, often in response to unmet needs or early relational experiences. In addition to these parts, IFS identifies the Self, which embodies calmness, curiosity, and compassion, capable of leading the internal system with clarity.

    In codependent dynamics, specific parts often adopt roles that mirror the drama triangle. Some parts act as Rescuers, compulsively trying to fix or mediate conflicts. Other parts take on a Victim role, carrying feelings of helplessness, fear, or inadequacy. There are also Persecutor parts, enforcing control or harsh self-criticism in an effort to maintain safety. Beneath these roles often lie vulnerable parts, representing unmet needs from childhood that drive automatic patterns of behavior.

    IFS therapy helps individuals recognize and communicate with these internal parts. By understanding the motivations and fears behind each part, a person can respond with empathy rather than judgment. Vulnerable parts can be reparented, receiving the care and validation they were previously denied, which reduces the compulsion to engage in codependent behaviors. Over time, parts that previously maintained drama triangle patterns can soften, and the Self can lead relational interactions with awareness and balance.

    Common Parts in Codependency and the Drama Triangle

    In codependent dynamics, the Rescuer part often feels responsible for others’ emotional well-being and becomes activated whenever someone appears vulnerable. The Victim part carries feelings of helplessness and fear of abandonment, which drive reliance on others. Persecutor parts may enforce control or criticize, either internally or externally, to prevent perceived threats. Beneath these roles, vulnerable inner parts, sometimes likened to an inner child, hold the unmet emotional needs that originally created codependent patterns. Understanding and working with these parts is essential to reducing automatic engagement in the drama triangle.

    Practical Applications of IFS

    IFS provides practical tools for managing codependency and the drama triangle in everyday life. Awareness of internal parts allows individuals to pause and respond rather than react in habitual ways. For example, when a Rescuer part becomes active, one can step back, connect with the Self, and decide whether intervention is truly necessary. Similarly, recognizing Victim or Persecutor parts internally can prevent overidentification with these roles in interactions with others. Over time, this approach promotes healthier relational patterns, clearer boundaries, and increased emotional resilience.

    Moving Forward

    Codependency and the drama triangle are often deeply intertwined, but they do not have to define relational experiences. Awareness of habitual patterns, intentional boundary-setting, and consistent self-care provide a foundation for breaking cycles of conflict. IFS therapy offers a structured approach to engage with internal parts, understand protective strategies, and foster self-led responses. By integrating these insights, individuals can step out of reactive patterns, relate authentically, and maintain emotional balance.

    If codependency and the drama triangle have been influencing your relationships, working with a trained professional can provide guidance. Support may include identifying internal parts, understanding habitual patterns, and developing strategies for healthier interactions. With consistent practice, it is possible to reduce reliance on the drama triangle, mitigate codependent behaviors, and cultivate relationships grounded in balance, authenticity, and well-being. If this resonates and you’d like to break free from the drama triangle to have less drama in your life and more peace, I offer IFS therapy for those in the UK and the US. You can go to my home page here to book a free no-obligation consult to see if you resonate with my energy and feel comfortable working with me.