IFS Therapy

Unburdening Parts in IFS Therapy: Healing Through Self, Safety, and Gentle Release

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a powerful framework for understanding and healing the complex inner world of the mind. One of the most transformative processes in IFS is unburdening parts. This is the act of helping our exiled parts release the extreme beliefs, emotions, and energies they have carried for years—often decades. These burdens usually develop in response to trauma, abandonment, or neglect, and they shape how we experience ourselves and the world.

Unburdening parts is not a process of rushing or forcing change. It requires a steady connection to Self, a stable nervous system, and careful attention to the protective parts that have been guarding these exiles. When approached with patience, curiosity, and compassion, unburdening parts can lead to profound emotional release, bodily liberation, and a sense of inner harmony.

The Importance of Being in Self

In IFS, the Self is the calm, compassionate, clear, and centered core of your being. Before unburdening parts, it is essential that you are operating from Self. If a protector is blended with Self, or if you are operating from anxiety, shame, or fear, attempting to unburden parts can be destabilizing and even retraumatizing.

Being in Self provides the clarity, patience, and compassion needed to witness exiled parts without judgment. From this position, you can approach a burdened part and invite it to share its story, its pain, and the ways it has been trying to survive. Self is like the wise guide in your internal system: grounded, reassuring, and steady. Without Self, the unburdening process loses its gentle, healing quality and can feel overwhelming or unsafe for both the client and the exiled parts.

Building Stability in the Nervous System

Before releasing the heavy energies carried by exiles, it’s critical to build stability in the nervous system. Exiled parts often hold intense emotional and bodily sensations connected to trauma, abandonment, or fear. These energies can manifest as tightness in the chest, shallow breathing, panic, dissociation, or even chronic tension.

By cultivating nervous system stability—through grounding, breathwork, or other somatic techniques—you create a container in which emotional release can happen safely. A stable nervous system allows the body to metabolize and integrate the energy being released. Without this foundation, unburdening parts can feel overwhelming, triggering fight-or-flight reactions or further defensive responses from protector parts.

Always Ask Permission from Protectors

Protector parts—managers and firefighters—are the guardians of exiles. They have been keeping these vulnerable parts safe for years, often by blocking access or suppressing feelings that feel too painful. Before you can begin unburdening parts, it is essential to ask for permission from these protectors.

Protector parts are more likely to cooperate when they feel respected. You can approach a manager or firefighter and say internally: “I see you are working hard to protect this part. May I speak with the exiled part now?” Asking permission helps build trust and signals that the release process will be gentle, respectful, and safe.

Skipping this step can lead to resistance, heightened anxiety, or defensive reactions, making it difficult for exiles to open up and release their burdens. The process of unburdening parts is collaborative: you are working with your internal system, not against it.

What Happens During Unburdening Parts

Unburdening parts is both an emotional and somatic process. Exiles carry not only painful beliefs but also intense emotional energies. Common burdens include feelings of abandonment, shame, guilt, fear, or unworthiness. These energies are often stored in the body—manifesting as tension, heaviness, or a sense of contraction in specific areas.

When a part is safely invited to release its burden, these emotional and bodily energies can flow. For example, a part carrying abandonment may experience a release of tightness in the chest, tears, or a sense of letting go. A part holding fear of rejection may feel warmth, relief, or a lifting sensation in the body. Unburdening parts allows these energies to move, bringing relief not only emotionally but also physically.

This release is often subtle but profound. Even small shifts in energy or belief can transform how a part relates to the world. Over time, the formerly burdened parts can adopt healthier roles within the internal system, becoming allies rather than sources of pain.

The Role of Gentle Presence

A critical principle of unburdening parts is gentleness. Exiles are often deeply wounded and have carried their burdens for a long time. Attempting to rush their release, push too hard, or operate from a place of urgency can retraumatize the system and create resistance from protector parts.

Gentleness comes from staying connected to Self, honoring the pace of each part, and listening deeply to what the system needs in the moment. This may mean pausing, grounding, or simply offering compassionate attention rather than pushing for immediate release. When unburdening parts is approached in this gentle way, the process can be deeply transformative, allowing for sustainable healing and integration.

Examples of Emotional Release

Many people experience unburdening parts as a combination of emotional and physical release. For instance:

• A part carrying abandonment may release tears or a heavy sensation in the chest.
• A part burdened with shame may notice a loosening of tension in the shoulders or neck.
• A part holding fear may experience warmth, relief, or a sense of lightness in the body.

These shifts represent the energy that the part has been carrying finally being acknowledged and released. Over time, this allows the exiled part to adopt a healthier perspective, contribute positively to the internal system, and restore balance and harmony.

Why Unburdening Parts Matters

Unburdening parts is a cornerstone of IFS therapy because it allows exiles to integrate back into the system without the extreme beliefs and emotional pain they once carried. This process reduces internal conflict, creates room for self-compassion, and promotes a sense of wholeness.

The benefits of unburdening parts extend beyond the internal system. As emotional burdens release, your relationships, behavior, and daily experience of life often shift. You may notice greater ease, emotional flexibility, and a newfound capacity to respond rather than react to triggers. By treating your parts with gentleness and respect, you also strengthen the overall health of your nervous system, promoting resilience and well-being.

Final Thoughts

Unburdening parts is a profound and delicate process. It requires:

1. Being in Self, so that you approach parts from a calm, compassionate, and clear presence.
2. Building stability in the nervous system, ensuring that emotional release can be contained safely.
3. Asking for permission from protector parts, honoring the parts that have been guarding exiles for years.
4. Gently releasing emotional and bodily energies, allowing exiles to let go of burdens such as abandonment, fear, or shame.

When approached with patience, curiosity, and respect, unburdening parts can transform your internal system. Exiles are freed from the extreme beliefs they have carried, protector parts can relax, and the Self emerges as a compassionate guide, fostering harmony, self-compassion, and emotional resilience.

Consider IFS Therapy

If this resonates, consider therapy to explore unburdening parts and build inner calm. Go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US, and Europe.

Understanding IFS Protector Parts: How They Protect, Guide, and Teach Us Self-Compassion

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, one of the most important concepts is understanding your IFS protector parts. These parts work tirelessly to keep you safe, manage your emotions, and prevent overwhelm. Often, they operate in ways that can feel confusing, controlling, or even frustrating. Yet their intention is always protective. By learning to recognize, unblend from, and befriend your IFS protector parts, you can cultivate self-compassion, calmness, and deeper emotional resilience.

IFS protector parts are not enemies, they are your allies. They act as guardians of your inner system, safeguarding your most vulnerable parts. When approached with curiosity and care, these protector parts can help you develop a more harmonious relationship with your emotions and your nervous system. Healing in IFS is about befriending your protector parts. When we do so, we also befriend our nervous system, creating a foundation of safety, calmness, and access to Self-energy—the clear, compassionate presence at the core of who we are.

What Are IFS Protector Parts?

In IFS, IFS protector parts are parts that take on roles to prevent emotional pain from overwhelming you. They generally fall into two categories: managers and firefighters. Both types are dedicated to protecting your inner system, often using strategies developed early in life in response to difficult experiences.

Managers are proactive protector parts. They work to maintain control, structure, and order in your life so that painful emotions or memories never surface. They often show up as perfectionism, overthinking, planning, or people-pleasing. Their core belief is: “If I keep everything under control, nothing bad will happen.”

Firefighters are reactive protector parts. They show up when intense emotions break through, acting quickly to extinguish or distract from the emotional pain. They may use distraction, avoidance, numbing, impulsive behaviors, or outbursts. Their guiding principle is: “We need to stop this pain immediately, no matter what it takes.”

All IFS protector parts, whether managers or firefighters, operate from a place of care. They are trying to prevent harm to the vulnerable exiled parts of your system, even if their methods sometimes create difficulties in daily life.

Manager Protector Parts

Manager parts are the planners, critics, and organisers of your inner world. They keep your life structured and prevent vulnerability from emerging too quickly. For example, a manager protector part might push you to be perfect at work, plan every detail of your day, people-please to avoid conflict, or overthink decisions to prevent mistakes. These strategies can feel exhausting or overly controlling, but they are motivated by care and they are trying to keep you safe.

Approaching manager IFS protector parts with curiosity allows you to see the wisdom behind their efforts. For example, you might notice an inner voice criticising you and instead of reacting, ask, “What are you trying to protect me from?” Over time, manager protector parts often soften and can shift from rigid control to supportive guidance, especially when they sense Self-energy and trust in your ability to handle emotions safely.

Firefighter Protector Parts

Firefighter parts are reactive protector parts that appear when emotional intensity has already broken through. They act quickly to manage overwhelming feelings and prevent distress from escalating. For example, a firefighter protector part might cause you to distract yourself with scrolling on your phone, binge eat, shut down emotionally, or lash out when triggered. These behaviors can seem extreme or impulsive, but their underlying goal is always to protect you from being flooded by painful emotions.

For example, if you feel sudden panic or shame, a firefighter protector part might immediately try to numb that feeling with distraction or avoidance. By approaching firefighter IFS protector parts as allies and acknowledging their protective intent, you can build trust and gradually help them relax. This allows emotions to be processed safely and opens the door to more adaptive coping strategies.

Protector Parts as Allies

A key insight in IFS is that all IFS protector parts are allies. They are not obstacles to healing. Their loyalty to you is unwavering—they have spent years keeping you safe. Healing involves befriending your protector parts, which in turn allows you to befriend your nervous system. This process helps you cultivate calmness, self-compassion, and a sense of inner safety.

Manager and firefighter protector parts both have fears and intentions. Managers may fear that vulnerability will lead to rejection or failure, while firefighters may fear that overwhelming emotion will cause collapse. By approaching these parts with curiosity and kindness, you can build trust and gradually allow them to soften, creating space for your authentic Self to lead.

Mapping and Understanding Protector Parts

Mapping out your IFS protector parts can be a powerful tool in therapy and personal growth. Identify the parts that show up most often and note their roles, strategies, and triggers. Reflect on the exiled emotions they work to contain, such as shame, fear, inadequacy, or grief. Understanding their history and purpose helps you approach them with empathy rather than judgment.

Working with your protector parts also has the potential to foster self-compassion. You can come to realize how these parts emerged in your life with the intention of helping you navigate the pain you’ve endured, even if their methods are sometimes confusing or come at a cost to yourself and others. Throughout your life, your IFS protector parts have been tirelessly working to assist and safeguard you.

This inner work is deeply personal and unique. Healing with IFS protector parts requires patience, commitment, and the willingness to hold space for the complexity of your inner world. Over time, you will see patterns emerge, recognise your protectors’ loyalty, and begin to experience less internal conflict and greater emotional freedom.

The Role of Self in Befriending Protector Parts

Self-energy is the calm, compassionate, and centered presence that can interact with IFS protector parts without being overwhelmed. When you operate from Self, you can listen to your managers and firefighters, acknowledge their efforts, and gently invite them to step back or shift their roles.

Befriending protector parts is a form of self-compassion. It reassures your nervous system that you are safe, that you can handle difficult emotions, and that you do not need extreme strategies to survive. Over time, this leads to inner harmony, more adaptive coping, and the ability to engage with life from a grounded, authentic presence.

Final Thoughts

IFS protector parts are not your enemies. They are allies who have been tirelessly working to safeguard you, often since childhood. Managers keep life orderly and prevent distress, while firefighters act quickly to manage emotional overwhelm. Both are motivated by care, and both can be befriended to foster self-compassion and emotional resilience.

Healing in IFS is about creating trust, cultivating curiosity, and nurturing relationships with your IFS protector parts. By doing so, you can soften their rigid strategies, reduce inner conflict, and allow your Self to guide your internal system. Befriending your IFS protector parts is also an act of befriending your nervous system, creating calmness and clarity, and ultimately supporting a more harmonious, compassionate, and empowered relationship with yourself.

IFS protector parts are your allies. By learning to recognise, unblend from, and work alongside them, you gain insight, self-compassion, and a pathway toward lasting inner balance.

Consider IFS Therapy

If this resonates, consider therapy to get to know your IFS protector parts and build inner calm. Go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US, and Europe.

Unblending From Parts: How to Shift From Overwhelm to Calm with IFS

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), one of the most transformative skills you can develop is unblending from parts. When you are blended, a part of you steps so close that its emotions and beliefs feel like your entire reality. But when you practice unblending from parts, you create the spaciousness needed to reconnect with Self, the calm and compassionate inner presence at the core of IFS. From Self, real healing becomes possible.

This article explores what blending looks like by walking through an example of a depressed, hopeless, or anxious part taking over. You will then learn how to use the 6 F’s of IFS to begin unblending from parts. Finally, you will discover the key question that reveals whether you are in Self-energy or still fused with a protective part.

A Real Example of Blending: When a Depressed or Anxious Part Takes Over

Imagine waking up and immediately feeling a heavy fog settle into your chest. A voice inside whispers that there is no point, nothing will improve, or that you are failing at life. You feel slow, defeated, and drained. In this moment, you are not simply aware of a depressed part. You are fully blended with it. Its beliefs feel like absolute truth. Its heaviness becomes your identity.

Or imagine an anxious part takes over. Your heart races. Your thoughts spin. You feel urgent and unsafe, as though something terrible is about to happen. Again, this is blending. You are inside the part’s worldview with no sense of separation.

The pathway out of this overwhelm is unblending from parts, which helps you shift from “I am hopeless or anxious” to “A part of me feels this way, and I am here with it.”

The 6 F’s: A Roadmap for Unblending From Parts

The 6 F’s of IFS therapy—Find, Focus, Flesh Out, Feel Toward, Befriend, and Fear—offer a simple, gentle structure for unblending from parts. They help you create inner space, find Self-energy, and relate to your parts rather than being taken over by them.

1. Find the Part

Begin by locating what is happening inside. You might notice a tightness in your stomach, a heaviness in your chest, or a spiraling thought pattern. Naming what you notice is the first step in unblending from parts. For example, you might say internally, “I feel a heavy, hopeless sensation in my chest. That seems like a depressed part.”

2. Focus on the Part

Bring your attention to it gently. You are simply turning toward what is already happening, which begins to create separation. You might say internally, “I am noticing you” or “I see you.” This mindful attention continues the process of unblending from parts because you are observing the part rather than becoming swept up in it.

3. Flesh It Out

Explore the part with curiosity. Ask what it looks like, how old it feels, what sensations come with it, or what thoughts it brings. Maybe the hopeless part feels like a tired teenager who wants to collapse. Seeing the part clearly strengthens unblending from parts because curiosity is a hallmark of Self-energy.

4. Feel Toward the Part: The Big Question

This is the most important step. Ask yourself, “How do I feel toward this part?”

This question reveals instantly whether unblending from parts is happening or whether another part is blended with you.

If you feel one of the 8 C’s—calm, curious, compassionate, confident, clear, connected, courageous, or creative—you are in Self. Unblending from parts has begun.

But if you feel anything else, another part is blended. You may feel frustrated, scared, annoyed, impatient, ashamed, or desperate for the part to go away. These reactions signal that a protector is still fused with Self.

When that happens, you simply notice this new part and work on unblending from parts again. You acknowledge it, thank it for trying to help, and ask if it is willing to give you some space. Then you ask the big question again: “How do I feel toward the depressed or anxious part now?”

At some point, you will feel curiosity, compassion, or calmness. That is the moment Self is present.

5. Befriend the Part

Once you are in Self-energy, you can begin building a warm connection with the part. You might say internally, “I want to get to know you” or “You do not have to be alone with this anymore.” This befriending is only possible through unblending from parts, because Self is the only inner presence capable of offering genuine care.

6. Find Out What the Part Fears

Every part has a protective reason for its behavior. You can ask, “What are you afraid would happen if you did not make me feel hopeless or anxious?” Often, hopeless parts fear disappointment or emotional collapse. Anxious parts often fear danger, rejection, or losing control. Understanding these fears deepens trust and completes another layer of unblending from parts.

How You Know You Are Fully Unblended

After unblending from parts, you will feel an unmistakable shift. The emotion no longer overwhelms you. You feel like the one sitting with the part rather than being inside the part’s feelings. A sense of perspective returns. Compassion becomes available. You can now relate to the part rather than react from it.

If It Is Not one of the 8C’s, It Is a Part

In IFS, one principle is reliable and simple. If the way you feel toward a part is not one of the 8 C’s, then another part is blended with you. This is why the question “How do I feel toward it?” is the heart of unblending from parts. It immediately reveals when Self is present and when more space is needed.

Unblending from parts is not about forcing anything. It is about noticing, pausing, and making room for Self-energy to emerge naturally. Each time you practice unblending from parts, the protective parts of you learn, slowly and deeply, that they no longer have to carry everything alone.

IFS therapy can help you get to know your parts, unblend from them, and build a compassionate inner relationship that transforms how you experience yourself. Instead of fighting your thoughts or emotions, IFS therapy teaches you to meet each part with curiosity and care. As you practice unblending, you create enough space for Self-energy to come forward—your natural calm, clarity, and compassion. From this place, you can befriend your parts, understand their fears and intentions, and help them let go of extreme roles they have been carrying. Over time, this creates genuine inner harmony, a sense of wholeness, and a kinder, more connected relationship with yourself.

Therapy

If this resonates with you and you feel ready to explore IFS therapy more deeply, you’re welcome to visit my home page to check my current availability and learn how we can work together.

The 6 Fs in IFS Therapy – The 6 Steps to Build a Relationship With Ourselves

Have you ever noticed how sometimes it feels like there’s a whole bunch of different parts inside you, each with their own thoughts and feelings? 

You know that feeling when you’re making a decision or responding to a situation, and it’s like there’s a little committee inside your head, each member with its own opinion? That’s a common experience for many people. It’s as if there are different parts of ourselves that have their own thoughts, feelings, and even their own ways of acting.

These parts might be motivated by different things, like protecting you from harm or trying to help you achieve your goals. But sometimes, they can also cause conflict or confusion within yourself. For example, one part might want to take a risk, while another might want to play it safe.

It’s not uncommon for individuals struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD, or unhealthy relationships to be driven by unconscious factors that may be causing inner conflict. This is because these issues can often have deep roots in our past experiences, beliefs, and patterns of thought and behavior that are outside of our conscious awareness.

This unconscious conflict can lead to feelings of emotional distress and difficulty in navigating relationships and daily life. However, it’s possible to bring these unconscious drivers to the surface and address them through therapeutic approaches like Internal Family Systems Therapy.

What is internal family systems therapy?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy is an approach to psychotherapy that helps individuals explore and understand the different parts or sub-personalities within themselves. It’s based on the idea that our inner world is made up of various parts, each with its own thoughts, feelings, and motivations, and that these parts interact with each other in ways that can impact our overall well-being.

In IFS Therapy, the goal is to help individuals develop a compassionate and understanding relationship with these different parts of themselves. By doing so, individuals can work to heal past emotional wounds, resolve inner conflicts, and promote emotional well-being.

That’s the idea behind Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy. It’s a type of therapy that helps us get to know and understand these different parts of ourselves better.

The 6 F’s in IFS Therapy

To help guide us through this process, IFS Therapy uses something called the 6 F’s. These 6 F’s are like steps that you can follow to build a trusting relationship with the different parts of yourself. Let’s take a closer look at each of them:

Find

The first step is all about discovering the different parts that make up who you are. You can do this by paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and even how your body reacts in different situations.

Typical questions at this stage include:

• Find that part in your body
• Notice where you feel it in your body

Focus

Once you’ve found a part, the next step is to focus on it and learn more about it. What does it do? How does it make you feel? What does it need? By getting to know your parts better, you can start to understand why they do what they do.

Typical questions at this stage include:

• Turn your attention inside
• Let this part of you show itself
• Focus on this part of you
• Let it know you’re curious to get to know it

Flesh Out

This is where you really dive deep and get to know everything you can about a particular part. You might ask questions and have a conversation with it to learn more about its beliefs, emotions, and actions. This helps you figure out what makes it tick.

Typical questions at this stage may be:

• Can you see it? If so, how does it look?
• How close are you to it?
• What sensations do you notice?
• What emotions are associated with it? 
• Is it a particular color? 
• Does it represent you at a particular age?

• What are this part’s intentions or motivations?
• How does this part believe it’s helping or protecting me?
• What experiences, memories, or beliefs might have influenced this part’s development?

Feel Toward

Usually, when a part is running the show there are other parts that are frustrated, critical and judgemental about it. 

For example, when someone has dealt with something like a core emotional wound of anxiety their entire life due to an insecure relationship with their mother, it stirs up a lot of feelings and emotions.

This is why we ask this question:

• How do you feel toward this part?

This is the million dollar question in IFS therapy as it shows how much of a role this part has played in someone’s life.

It provides a gauge for detecting self energy. If the other person’s response doesn’t resonate with the 8 C’s of self, it indicates that another part may be activated.

In such cases, we address this secondary part, asking if it’s open to relaxing and allowing us to engage with the primary target part. If it’s reluctant, we inquire what we should understand from its perspective. This exploration can also lead us to additional parts to work with.

Our concerned parts often require acknowledgment and validation. By actively listening and empathizing with them, we establish trust and understanding and they soften. 

This creates more internal space in our hearts and more access to self energy. 

Check for self energy before progressing to the next steps

It is essential to only proceed to steps 5 (Befriend) and 6 (Fear) of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy process once Self-energy has been firmly established. This energy is characterized by the 8 C’s: Curiosity, Calm, Clarity, Connectedness, Confidence, Courage, Creativity, and Compassion. 

Ensuring that these qualities are present within the therapeutic environment creates a foundation of trust and understanding, allowing for a deeper exploration of your inner parts.

By approaching the process with the sole agenda of embodying the 8 C’s of Self, you can build a more genuine and compassionate relationship with your parts. This non-judgmental stance fosters an atmosphere of safety and empathy, promoting healing and integration.

Befriend

This step is all about making friends with the part you’re working with. You’ve learned about it, and you’ve developed empathy for it—now it’s time to show the part that you care and want to help. 

By building trust and a sense of safety, you can work together toward healing and growth. This step of befriending the part is essential for creating a sense of safety and stability in the nervous system for when it comes to working with exiles.

Typical questions at this stage include:

• How did it get this job? How effective is the job? If it didn’t have to do this job, what would it rather do? 
• How old is it?
• Let this part know that you appreciate its role in protecting you and keeping you safe
• What does this part need to feel more understood and valued?
• Let this part know that you appreciate 
• What does it want you to know?
• What else does it want you to know?

Fear

In this stage, you’ll be addressing any fears or concerns that the part might have. Some parts might be afraid of change or worried about what will happen if they let go of their role. By acknowledging and working through these fears, you can help the part feel more secure and open to the possibility of positive change.

Typical questions at this stage include:

• What is this part afraid of or trying to avoid?
• What does this part fear would happen if it didn’t have this role?
• How can I acknowledge and address this part’s fears?
• What reassurance or support can I provide to alleviate these fears?

This question can expose internal conflict of parts. This is called ‘polarization’ in IFS therapy.

For example, “If I let go of my humor part, I fear it may open the door to the sad part taking over. Alternatively, it could unveil the exiled part that the anxiety is protecting. Or, “If I let go of my anxiety, I worry that little me will feel abandoned”.

The 6 F’s Helps us to work through the layers of trauma 

Remember that the 6 F’s are a process, and it takes time and patience to work through each step. 

It’s important to note that there are layers to trauma. For example, when someone has experienced the emotional trauma of neglect, they may carry inner child wounds of abandonment, rejection and unworthiness in their subconscious mind. 

They also might have learned defense mechanisms to hide their pain to prevent them from feeling overwhelmed and flooded by their anxiety. These might be parts that judge, parts that joke around to diffuse emotional pain, parts that over-analyse.

IFS therapy is a compassion-focused therapy that helps people to unravel their layers of emotional trauma at a gentle pace and get to know these protector parts with love and compassion.

With the support of an IFS therapist, you can build stronger relationships with the different parts of yourself and foster greater well-being and personal growth.

An example of the 6 f’s in IFS Therapy

Meet Sarah, a woman experiencing anxiety. Sarah has identified a part of herself that she calls her Anxious Part. This part often holds her back from pursuing new opportunities and experiences, and she wants to understand it better.

Following the 6 F’s framework from Internal Family Systems Therapy, Sarah starts by Focusing on her Anxious Part. She pays attention to the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise when this part is active.

As she spends more time with this part, Sarah begins to Flesh Out its motivations and concerns. She learns that her Anxious Part is trying to protect her from potential pain or failure.

By acknowledging and empathizing with the Anxious Part’s positive intentions, Sarah is able to Feel Toward it with compassion and understanding. This helps her to Befriend the part, building trust and a stronger connection with it.

Recognizing that the Anxious Part is driven by a fear of failure, Sarah can begin working with exiles and focus on addressing this fear through witnessing, reparenting, retrieving and unburdening her part that fears failure. This can help her fearful part become more integrated and with this stronger sense of self she can reassure this part that it’s safe to take risks sometimes.

Through the 6 F’s framework, Sarah has developed a better understanding of her Anxious Part, fostering self-awareness and inner harmony. By engaging with each step of the process, she has begun to create a more balanced and integrated relationship with this part of herself.

I can help you heal with internal family systems therapy 

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a compassionate, nurturing approach that acknowledges and validates the various parts of your internal system. Through this transformative process, you can cultivate a profound sense of harmony and balance within yourself.

IFS therapy begins with the belief that each individual possesses a wise, compassionate Self, capable of understanding and addressing the needs of all internal parts. By working together, we will explore these parts, recognizing their unique roles, emotions, and motivations.

This empathetic exploration allows you to validate the experiences of your inner parts, particularly those that have been hurt or feel misunderstood. By fostering a supportive environment, these parts can feel safe enough to share their stories and express their needs.

As you develop a deeper understanding of your internal system, you can begin to address the conflicts and pain that may have arisen from childhood trauma or other difficult experiences. This healing journey encourages self-compassion and nurtures the connections between your various parts, promoting inner harmony and emotional well-being.

Through our work together, you will learn to listen to your inner parts, acknowledge their experiences, and address their needs with compassion and understanding.

My approach is gentle and compassionate. If you’re interested you can book a consult here.

IFS For Anxiety – A Gentle, Compassionate Approach to Healing

Anxiety is a pervasive and often debilitating emotion that can leave us feeling trapped in a relentless cycle of worry, fear, and distress. IFS for anxiety is a safe and thorough meditative form of psychotherapy that helps people to explore the mind, body connection and release anxiety from their system.

Anxiety is a complex, multi-faceted emotion, deeply rooted in our evolutionary history as a survival mechanism. In its adaptive form, anxiety serves as an internal alarm system, alerting us to potential threats and guiding us to seek safety. 

However, when anxiety becomes excessive or persistent, it can significantly impair our ability to function and engage in daily life.

If you are struggling with anxiety, you might be impacted by one of the following:

• Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
• Panic attacks
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Anxious-attachment
• Social anxiety
• Intrusive thoughts

Anxiety disorders, such as generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder, are characterised by a heightened state of worry, apprehension, and physical arousal that often interferes with an individual’s well-being. 

Common symptoms may include racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, and feelings of unease or impending doom.

Its hold on our life can seem insurmountable, yet there exists a powerful therapeutic approach that holds the potential to unlock a world of emotional freedom and liberation.

Enter Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy – a groundbreaking modality that helps us heal anxiety through compassion.

IFS therapy invites us to explore our inner world, illuminating the interconnectedness of our various emotional parts and the roles they play in our daily experiences. 

Recognizing anxiety’s role in our internal system is a crucial first step in the IFS journey, as it enables us to identify and address the specific parts that contribute to our emotional distress. By understanding anxiety’s purpose and origins, we can begin to cultivate self-compassion and explore new ways of relating to our anxiety. 

Through the lens of IFS, we can discover new ways of relating to anxiety with compassion and mindfulness and getting to the emotional root of anxiety for deep and profound emotional healing.

I have 5 years of experience guiding people with getting to know their parts and releasing emotional energies from their subconscious mind, so they can recover a more calm, compassionate sense of self. I provide IFS for anxiety in Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK and online. If you have questions, you can go to my contact page to book a consult with me.

How to Understand Anxiety with IFS

IFS for anxiety will help people heal anxiety by mindfully separating from their anxious thoughts and feelings, so they feel less overwhelmed by their anxiety

For example, instead of saying “I am anxious” we can learn to say “a PART of me is anxious”. 

IFS helps people to connect with their anxiety and BE WITH the anxiety with mindful presence, which helps people to feel less flooded and emotionally overwhelmed by their anxiety. 

Working With Anxiety-related Exiles

Anxiety is often the manifestation of an underlying, unresolved emotional wound or trauma. 

When a child has repetitive experiences of a parent failing to comfort and reassure them, this will form an emotional wound of abandonment in their subconscious mind and the child will interpret these experiences by forming limiting beliefs such as 

“people will leave me” and “nobody loves me”. This creates an abandoned exile that carries stored emotional energy of hurt and pain in the subconscious mind and nervous system.

When the pain is so great, the child learns to repress this burden into their subconscious mind and the child forms a deep fear of abandonment into their future relationships. 

Working With Anxiety-related Protectors

In an attempt to manage this deep fear of abandonment, the child will learn coping mechanisms and behaviours to protect themselves from the pain of potential abandonment. 

These strategies may include becoming a people pleaser and prioritising the feelings and needs of others above their own, being overly accommodating. Then as an adult, they may over-analyse because they don’t trust their gut, become angry and critical when they don’t get their needs met, especially if they struggle to set boundaries and advocate for their emotional well-being.

If we are to consider IFS for anxiety, then we would break these down into managers and protectors.

Managers in IFS for Anxiety

Managers are parts that are proactive and work hard to protect the person from feeling anxiety from the exiles. 

They will scan for possible future events of abandonment and take actions to prevent that from happening and prevent the abandoned exile from being activated. 

People pleasing is a common manager people develop in order to prevent themselves from rejection and abandonment. 

Clinginess and neediness is a common manager in IFS for individuals with an abandonment wound, and it tends to surface when someone they care about seems distant or unresponsive. 

This manager attempts to maintain the connection and gain reassurance by seeking constant attention, displaying controlling behaviours, or becoming overly dependent.

For example, if a friend or partner takes longer than usual to respond to a text message or seems preoccupied, the individual might react with heightened anxiety and resort to clingy or needy behaviours. While this manager believes it is protecting the individual from potential abandonment, its actions can ultimately strain relationships and exacerbate feelings of insecurity.

A worry manager in IFS is another attempt a person may use to protect them from potential abandonment. They may engage in a pattern of persistent, negative thinking. This manager will focus on anticipating worst-case scenarios in relationships, leading the person to feel a heightened sense of vulnerability and unease. By fixating on what could go wrong, a worry manager maintains a state of hyper-vigilance that can ultimately perpetuate a cycle of insecurity and fear in personal connections.

An over-analysing manager in IFS often emerges as a response to past experiences of abandonment, manifesting as an incessant need to scrutinize every aspect of interpersonal interactions. 

This manager seeks to gain control over potential hurt by examining conversations, body language, and behaviours of others for hidden meanings or signs of rejection. In doing so, the individual is continually on edge, feeling as though they must decipher every nuance and detail to protect themselves from the pain of abandonment. While this strategy may seem protective, it can actually lead to greater distress, as the constant analysis often fuels anxiety and prevents genuine connection with others.

A controlling manager in IFS therapy often arises as a means to prevent feelings of abandonment by attempting to exert influence over people, situations, and outcomes. This manager seeks to maintain a sense of security and control by dictating the course of relationships, decision-making processes, and the overall environment.

The controlling manager in IFS therapy may exhibit behaviours such as excessive planning, rigidity, or being overly demanding, as they believe that asserting power in this manner will prevent potential loss or rejection. However, this controlling nature can lead to strained relationships and increased stress, as the manager’s tactics often clash with others’ needs and desires for autonomy and flexibility. 

Managers:

People-pleasing manager

Clingy manager

Worry manager

Overanalysing manager

Controlling manager

Firefighters in IFS for Anxiety

When an anxious exile is triggered, a firefighter might step in to ease the discomfort using quick-fix methods like indulging in food, substances, shopping, or other numbing activities. Firefighters operate with the sole mission of extinguishing present-moment emotional pain.

Another example of a firefighter behaviour related to this fear of abandonment and separation from another may be engaging in compulsive shopping or overspending. 

When faced with the emotional turmoil associated with the fear of abandonment, an individual may turn to shopping as a means of finding temporary relief.

The act of acquiring new possessions can provide a sense of control and self-soothing, as well as a temporary high from the excitement of obtaining something new. However, this behaviour can lead to financial problems and feelings of shame or guilt, ultimately exacerbating anxiety. 

Another example may be binge eating and using food as a source of comfort and distraction from anxiety related to attachment issues.

Or, impulsive sexual behaviours and seeking validation or a sense of connection through casual or high-risk sexual encounters.

And excessive screen time or social media use: Using digital distractions to avoid confronting feelings of loneliness or abandonment.

Anger, as a firefighter response related to anxious attachment, often manifests as a way to protect oneself from feelings of vulnerability, fear, or abandonment.

When an individual feels threatened or emotionally exposed in a relationship, they might resort to anger as a defense mechanism. By directing their focus outward and placing blame on others, they can avoid confronting their own insecurities or emotional pain.

Anger can also serve as a way to regain a sense of control in situations where an individual feels powerless or out of control. Lashing out or engaging in aggressive behaviors can create a temporary sense of empowerment, masking the underlying distress associated with anxious attachment.

However, relying on anger as a coping mechanism can strain relationships and perpetuate a cycle of conflict. It prevents individuals from acknowledging and addressing their true emotions, leading to increased feelings of isolation and misunderstanding.

Firefighters:

Shopping

Abuse

Sexual impulsivity

Excessive screen time

Anger

Firefighters

While these coping mechanisms may offer temporary relief, they often do not address the underlying emotional wound and can lead to difficulties in forming healthy, trusting relationships later in life.

How would IFS therapy for Anxiety Heal Anxiety?

IFS therapy for anxiety offers a transformative approach to healing anxiety by addressing its root causes and fostering a sense of harmony within your internal system. Here’s how IFS therapy can help you overcome anxiety and cultivate emotional well-being:

Understanding and validating anxious parts: IFS therapy for anxiety encourages you to recognize and engage with the anxious parts of your internal system. By validating their concerns and understanding their protective roles, you can reduce the intensity of their emotional reactions and cultivate self-compassion.

Accessing and strengthening self-energy: As you develop the capacity to access self-energy, a core tenet of IFS, you can experience a greater sense of inner peace and groundedness. This newfound calm can help counteract the effects of anxiety and create a more balanced emotional state.

Exploring and healing underlying trauma: By examining the experiences or traumas that have contributed to your anxiety, you can foster deeper emotional healing. IFS therapy for anxiety facilitates this process by providing a safe and supportive environment for self-discovery and growth.

Facilitating integration and transformation: Through compassionate dialogue and understanding, anxious parts can be integrated into your internal system, allowing them to adopt new, more adaptive roles. This transformation promotes emotional resilience and reduces anxiety’s influence on your life.

IFS therapy for anxiety empowers you to navigate your emotional landscape with self-awareness, empathy, and confidence. By addressing the root causes of your anxiety and fostering a more harmonious internal system, you can achieve lasting emotional freedom and well-being.

How to begin IFS for anxiety

Start connecting to parts

To begin IFS for anxiety, you can start by connecting to your parts. When you feel overwhelmed with anxiety or emotionally triggered, practice mindfully separating yourself from the anxiety. 

To do this, starts by observing and noticing the anxiety and relating to it in a different way. You can begin observing where you notice the anxiety in your body. Perhaps you feel your heart racing and your anxious part is in your heart area. What sensations do you notice there? Get curious. 

Build a relationship with parts

Then you can begin building a relationship with your parts through the lens of your adult self. 

IFS for anxiety is all about unblending from parts and mindfully separating from your parts, so you feel less overwhelmed by them. So instead of saying “I’m feeling anxious” you can start saying “a part of me is anxious”. 

Another way to unblend from a part is noticing how you feel toward your anxious part or asking it to step aside. Once you have unblended from a part, then you have the self energy to get to know parts. You might begin saying anxiety, are you ok? I’m curious to get to know you better. What is making you feel anxious? What’s on your mind? Then you can listen and validate the feelings of your anxious part by saying “it makes sense why you feel anxious, it’s ok”. 

Often validating the feelings of your anxious part is a great way for building trust, because your part feels seen and heard. 

Work with a professional

IFS, we may encounter instances where certain parts remain overwhelmed, making it challenging to create space and differentiate ourselves from their intense emotions. Additionally, accessing a sense of calm or centeredness may prove difficult, especially if we have experienced trauma. This struggle can leave us feeling uncertain about the source of our emotional reactions and unsure of how to proceed.

When faced with these obstacles, seeking support from a therapist can be highly beneficial. A trained professional can guide us in working with parts burdened by trauma, assisting us in uncovering the root causes of our emotional distress and fostering a deeper understanding of our internal system.

Through therapy, we can learn to cultivate self-energy and strengthen our capacity to unblend from overwhelmed parts, ultimately creating a more harmonious balance within our emotional landscape. By addressing the unique challenges that arise in our IFS journey, we can move forward with greater resilience and self-awareness, fostering lasting emotional healing and well-being.

I have 5 years of experience guiding people with getting to know their parts and releasing emotional energies from their subconscious mind, so they can recover a more calm, compassionate sense of self. I provide IFS for anxiety in Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK and online.

Next steps

If you’d like to begin reducing anxiety and you’re interested in IFS for anxiety, you can view my availability on my home page and book an intro session with me.