IFS Therapy

The 6Fs in IFS Therapy – The 6 Steps to Build a Relationship With Ourselves

Have you ever noticed how sometimes it feels like there’s a whole bunch of different parts inside you, each with their own thoughts and feelings? 

You know that feeling when you’re making a decision or responding to a situation, and it’s like there’s a little committee inside your head, each member with its own opinion? That’s a common experience for many people. It’s as if there are different parts of ourselves that have their own thoughts, feelings, and even their own ways of acting.

These parts might be motivated by different things, like protecting you from harm or trying to help you achieve your goals. But sometimes, they can also cause conflict or confusion within yourself. For example, one part might want to take a risk, while another might want to play it safe.

It’s not uncommon for individuals struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD, or unhealthy relationships to be driven by unconscious factors that may be causing inner conflict. This is because these issues can often have deep roots in our past experiences, beliefs, and patterns of thought and behavior that are outside of our conscious awareness.

This unconscious conflict can lead to feelings of emotional distress and difficulty in navigating relationships and daily life. However, it’s possible to bring these unconscious drivers to the surface and address them through therapeutic approaches like Internal Family Systems Therapy.

What is internal family systems therapy?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy is an approach to psychotherapy that helps individuals explore and understand the different parts or sub-personalities within themselves. It’s based on the idea that our inner world is made up of various parts, each with its own thoughts, feelings, and motivations, and that these parts interact with each other in ways that can impact our overall well-being.

In IFS Therapy, the goal is to help individuals develop a compassionate and understanding relationship with these different parts of themselves. By doing so, individuals can work to heal past emotional wounds, resolve inner conflicts, and promote emotional well-being.

That’s the idea behind Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy. It’s a type of therapy that helps us get to know and understand these different parts of ourselves better.

The 6F’s in IFS Therapy

To help guide us through this process, IFS Therapy uses something called the 6 F’s. These 6 F’s are like steps that you can follow to build a trusting relationship with the different parts of yourself. Let’s take a closer look at each of them:

Find

The first step is all about discovering the different parts that make up who you are. You can do this by paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and even how your body reacts in different situations.

Typical questions at this stage include:

• Find that part in your body
• Notice where you feel it in your body

Focus

Once you’ve found a part, the next step is to focus on it and learn more about it. What does it do? How does it make you feel? What does it need? By getting to know your parts better, you can start to understand why they do what they do.

Typical questions at this stage include:

• Turn your attention inside
• Let this part of you show itself
• Focus on this part of you
• Let it know you’re curious to get to know it

Flesh Out

This is where you really dive deep and get to know everything you can about a particular part. You might ask questions and have a conversation with it to learn more about its beliefs, emotions, and actions. This helps you figure out what makes it tick.

Typical questions at this stage may be:

• Can you see it? If so, how does it look?
• How close are you to it?
• What sensations do you notice?
• What emotions are associated with it? 
• Is it a particular color? 
• Does it represent you at a particular age?

• What are this part’s intentions or motivations?
• How does this part believe it’s helping or protecting me?
• What experiences, memories, or beliefs might have influenced this part’s development?

Feel Toward

Usually, when a part is running the show there are other parts that are frustrated, critical and judgemental about it. 

For example, when someone has dealt with something like a core emotional wound of anxiety their entire life due to an insecure relationship with their mother, it stirs up a lot of feelings and emotions.

This is why we ask this question:

• How do you feel toward this part?

This is the million dollar question in IFS therapy as it shows how much of a role this part has played in someone’s life.

It provides a gauge for detecting self energy. If the other person’s response doesn’t resonate with the 8C’s of self, it indicates that another part may be activated.

In such cases, we address this secondary part, asking if it’s open to relaxing and allowing us to engage with the primary target part. If it’s reluctant, we inquire what we should understand from its perspective. This exploration can also lead us to additional parts to work with.

Our concerned parts often require acknowledgment and validation. By actively listening and empathizing with them, we establish trust and understanding and they soften. 

This creates more internal space in our hearts and more access to self energy. 

Check for self energy before progressing to the next steps

It is essential to only proceed to steps 5 (Befriend) and 6 (Fear) of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy process once Self-energy has been firmly established. This energy is characterized by the 8 C’s: Curiosity, Calm, Clarity, Connectedness, Confidence, Courage, Creativity, and Compassion. 

Ensuring that these qualities are present within the therapeutic environment creates a foundation of trust and understanding, allowing for a deeper exploration of your inner parts.

By approaching the process with the sole agenda of embodying the 8 C’s of Self, you can build a more genuine and compassionate relationship with your parts. This non-judgmental stance fosters an atmosphere of safety and empathy, promoting healing and integration.

Befriend

This step is all about making friends with the part you’re working with. You’ve learned about it, and you’ve developed empathy for it, now it’s time to show the part that you care and want to help. 

By building trust and a sense of safety, you can work together toward healing and growth. This step of befriending the part is essential for creating a sense of safety and stability in the nervous system for when it comes to working with exiles.

Typical questions at this stage include:

• How did it get this job? How effective is the job? If it didn’t have to do this job, what would it rather do? 
• How old is it?
• Let this part know that you appreciate its role in protecting you and keeping you safe
• What does this part need to feel more understood and valued?
• Let this part know that you appreciate 
• What does it want you to know?
• What else does it want you to know?

Fear

In this stage, you’ll be addressing any fears or concerns that the part might have. Some parts might be afraid of change or worried about what will happen if they let go of their role. By acknowledging and working through these fears, you can help the part feel more secure and open to the possibility of positive change.

Typical questions at this stage include:

• What is this part afraid of or trying to avoid?
• What does this part fear would happen if it didn’t have this role?
• How can I acknowledge and address this part’s fears?
• What reassurance or support can I provide to alleviate these fears?

This question can expose internal conflict of parts. This is called ‘polarization’ in IFS therapy.

For example, “If I let go of my humor part, I fear it may open the door to the sad part taking over. Alternatively, it could unveil the exiled part that the anxiety is protecting. Or, “If I let go of my anxiety, I worry that little me will feel abandoned”.

The 6 F’s Helps us to work through the layers of trauma 

Remember that the 6 F’s are a process, and it takes time and patience to work through each step. 

It’s important to note that there are layers to trauma. For example, when someone has experienced the emotional trauma of neglect, they may carry inner child wounds of abandonment, rejection and unworthiness in their subconscious mind. 

They also might have learned defense mechanisms to hide their pain to prevent them from feeling overwhelmed and flooded by their anxiety. These might be parts that judge, parts that joke around to diffuse emotional pain, parts that over-analyse.

IFS therapy is a compassion-focused therapy that helps people to unravel their layers of emotional trauma at a gentle pace and get to know these protector parts with love and compassion.

With the support of an IFS therapist, you can build stronger relationships with the different parts of yourself and foster greater well-being and personal growth.

An example of the 6 f’s in IFS Therapy

Meet Sarah, a woman experiencing anxiety. Sarah has identified a part of herself that she calls her Anxious Part. This part often holds her back from pursuing new opportunities and experiences, and she wants to understand it better.

Following the 6 F’s framework from Internal Family Systems Therapy, Sarah starts by Focusing on her Anxious Part. She pays attention to the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise when this part is active.

As she spends more time with this part, Sarah begins to Flesh Out its motivations and concerns. She learns that her Anxious Part is trying to protect her from potential pain or failure.

By acknowledging and empathizing with the Anxious Part’s positive intentions, Sarah is able to Feel Toward it with compassion and understanding. This helps her to Befriend the part, building trust and a stronger connection with it.

Recognizing that the Anxious Part is driven by a fear of failure, Sarah can begin working with exiles and focus on addressing this fear through witnessing, reparenting, retrieving and unburdening her part that fears failure. This can help her fearful part become more integrated and with this stronger sense of self she can reassure this part that it’s safe to take risks sometimes.

Through the 6 F’s framework, Sarah has developed a better understanding of her Anxious Part, fostering self-awareness and inner harmony. By engaging with each step of the process, she has begun to create a more balanced and integrated relationship with this part of herself.

I can help you heal with internal family systems therapy 

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a compassionate, nurturing approach that acknowledges and validates the various parts of your internal system. Through this transformative process, you can cultivate a profound sense of harmony and balance within yourself.

IFS therapy begins with the belief that each individual possesses a wise, compassionate Self, capable of understanding and addressing the needs of all internal parts. By working together, we will explore these parts, recognizing their unique roles, emotions, and motivations.

This empathetic exploration allows you to validate the experiences of your inner parts, particularly those that have been hurt or feel misunderstood. By fostering a supportive environment, these parts can feel safe enough to share their stories and express their needs.

As you develop a deeper understanding of your internal system, you can begin to address the conflicts and pain that may have arisen from childhood trauma or other difficult experiences. This healing journey encourages self-compassion and nurtures the connections between your various parts, promoting inner harmony and emotional well-being.

Through our work together, you will learn to listen to your inner parts, acknowledge their experiences, and address their needs with compassion and understanding.

My approach is gentle and compassionate. If you’re interested you can book a consult here.

The 8Cs of Self in IFS Therapy: The Doorway To Wholeness

Have you ever felt like you’ve lost touch with who you truly are? 

Maybe life’s hardships or past trauma have left you feeling disconnected from your authentic self. You’re not alone. In this blog, we’ll discuss the 8cs of self and how to reclaim and strengthen our resilient, adult self through IFS therapy.

Many of us experience this sense of disconnection at some point in our lives, and it can leave us feeling lost, unsure of ourselves, and filled with self-doubt. 

But what if there was a way to rediscover and reconnect with that core part of ourselves that remains strong, wise, and compassionate, even in the face of adversity?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy believes that we all possess a powerful “Self” within us—our seat of consciousness that is inherently unbreakable, even when faced with life’s challenges. 

However, difficult experiences and trauma can lead us to rely on protective parts of ourselves that shield us from pain. Over time, these parts may dominate our lives, causing us to lose confidence and feel as though something is fundamentally wrong with us.

Fortunately, IFS posits that healing is possible through the transformative power of love and compassion. 

By embracing and nurturing the 8Cs of Self, such as Curiosity, Calm, Clarity, Connectedness, Confidence, Courage, Creativity, and Compassion, we can rediscover our inner strength and begin to heal the parts of ourselves that have been hurt.

What are the 8Cs of self?

The 8Cs of Self in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy are essential qualities that reside within each of us, serving as the foundation for healing and personal growth. These eight characteristics include:

Curiosity: An open and inquisitive mindset that allows us to explore our inner parts and develop a deeper understanding of their experiences and needs.

Calm: A sense of tranquility and peace that fosters trust and safety within our internal system, enabling us to navigate emotional challenges with clarity.

Clarity: A clear and focused state of mind that empowers us to make informed decisions and cultivate healthier relationships with our inner parts and others.

Connectedness: A feeling of unity and belonging within our internal system, promoting integration and a sense of wholeness.

Confidence: A belief in our inner wisdom and resilience, providing the strength to face life’s challenges with self-assurance and empowerment.

Courage: The bravery and determination to confront difficult emotions and experiences, fostering personal growth and emotional healing.

Creativity: An adaptable and resourceful approach to problem-solving within our internal system, encouraging new perspectives and solutions.

Compassion: A nurturing and empathetic environment for our inner parts, promoting self-love and emotional well-being.

By cultivating these qualities within ourselves, we can strengthen our connection with our true Self and embrace the transformative power of love and compassion on our healing journey.

Going beyond the 8Cs of Self

While the 8cs of Self in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy provide a robust foundation for cultivating self-energy, it is essential to recognise that healing is a complex and multifaceted process. 

One of the shortfalls of IFS therapy is that it argues that all we need to heal ourselves is self. 

I would argue from my own personal and professional experience that we still need support and guidance with establishing a strong sense of self and this is something I do with my clients.

In my personal journey with IFS therapy, I discovered that integrating additional therapeutic approaches and practices was crucial to building a strong sense of self and building my self-confidence.

One key element in my healing process was seeking spiritual and emotional guidance from my therapist. When it came to connecting with my parts they had a lot of questions and unmet needs that needed to be addressed. 

I needed help with addressing isolation, finding community, setting boundaries, asserting myself with others, creating inner security, finding my purpose, finding my core values and connecting to external figures of support until I felt supported enough to access my adult self.

One thing my therapist said that I will never forget was “you can’t choose your external family but you can create an inner family”. 

This holistic and spiritual approach helped me to build an inner family of support, guidance and resources to feel more emotionally resourced to cope with life’s challenges.

Her guidance helped me learn many skills and coping mechanisms that my parts needed, such as self-soothing, grounding, developing my intuition, developing a toxicity radar, setting standards for relationships and connecting to my future self.

By incorporating spirituality into our sessions, I was able to develop this inner strength, which helped my parts feel more supported.

We also did energy healing, somatic therapy techniques and shamanism rituals which helped me to process grief, manage my anxiety and release hurt and anxious energy from the body.

By combining the 8Cs of Self with these additional practices, I discovered a more comprehensive and personalised path toward healing. 

This experience has shown me the importance of remaining open to various therapeutic modalities and tailoring one’s approach to meet unique individual needs. In doing so, we can create a well-rounded foundation for personal growth and emotional well-being.

I can help you heal with internal family systems therapy 

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a compassionate, nurturing approach that acknowledges and validates the various parts of your internal system. 

By working together, we will explore these parts, recognising their unique roles, emotions, and motivations.

This empathetic exploration allows you to validate the experiences of your inner parts, particularly those that have been hurt or feel misunderstood. By fostering a supportive environment, these parts can feel safe enough to share their stories and express their needs.

As you develop a deeper understanding of your internal system, you can begin to address the conflicts and pain that may have arisen from childhood trauma or other difficult experiences. This healing journey encourages self-compassion and nurtures the connections between your various parts, promoting inner harmony and emotional well-being.

Through IFS therapy and other modalities we can listen to your inner parts, acknowledge their experiences and address their unmet needs and inner resources. 

My approach is gentle and compassionate. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK.

Summary

Maybe life’s hardships or past trauma have left you feeling disconnected from your authentic self. You’re not alone. In this blog, we discussed the 8cs of self and how to reclaim and strengthen our resilient, adult self through befriending parts and strengthening the relationship we have with ourself.

Read more

IFS Internal Family Systems: What is it and How to Begin

IFS Therapy for Stress: The Influence of Childhood Trauma on Stress Management

Understanding IFS Protector Parts: How They Protect, Guide, and Teach Us Self-Compassion

Unblending From Parts: How to Shift From Overwhelm to Calm with IFS

What is Self in IFS Therapy: The Core of Inner Healing

What is Self in IFS Therapy: The Core of Inner Healing

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is a unique and transformative approach to understanding the mind. At the heart of this model is the concept of Self. Many people new to IFS ask the question, what is self in IFS therapy? Understanding Self is essential because it acts as the calm, compassionate, and centered guide that can interact with your inner parts and foster emotional healing.

In IFS, your mind is seen as a system of parts, each with its own thoughts, feelings, and roles. These parts can be exiles, holding painful emotions or memories, or protectors, such as managers and firefighters, which work tirelessly to keep you safe. Self is not a part but the core of your being, capable of observing, understanding, and harmonizing your internal system.

The Qualities of Self

When asking what is self in IFS therapy, it’s helpful to consider its unique qualities. Self is characterized by eight qualities often referred to as the “8 Cs”: calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness.

Self possesses a natural capacity to be present, nonjudgmental, and accepting of all parts. Unlike protector parts, which may act out of fear or urgency, Self can interact with parts from a place of understanding and patience. It is the internal space where healing, insight, and integration occur.

Self vs. Parts

Understanding what is self in IFS therapy also requires distinguishing Self from your parts. Parts are aspects of your personality that developed over time, often in response to difficult experiences or trauma. Exiles carry vulnerable emotions like shame, fear, or grief. Protectors, including managers and firefighters, work to keep exiles safe, sometimes using strategies that can feel controlling, critical, or reactive.

Self is the observer, not a reactive part. It can witness the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of parts without being overwhelmed. This separation is crucial because when you are in Self, you can approach your inner world with clarity and compassion, which allows for dialogue, healing, and integration.

The Role of Self in Healing

A central question in IFS therapy is what is self in IFS therapy in terms of its role in emotional healing. Self serves as the internal leader and mediator. When parts feel seen, understood, and safe, they are more likely to release extreme beliefs or emotional burdens.

For example, a manager part may constantly criticize you to prevent failure. From Self, you can recognize its protective intent: “I see you are trying to keep me safe. I appreciate your care, and I want to understand you.” This interaction reassures the part, reduces internal tension, and opens space for collaboration rather than conflict.

Self’s role is especially important when working with exiled parts. Exiles often hold intense emotions related to past trauma or abandonment. Protector parts may resist access to these exiles to prevent overwhelm. Approaching them from Self allows for trust to develop, permission to be granted, and eventual unburdening of painful emotions.

Accessing Self

Many people struggle with the question, what is self in IFS therapy, because they are not familiar with what it feels like to be in Self. Some signs that you are in Self include:

• A sense of calm presence even in the face of strong emotions
• Curiosity and openness toward your thoughts and feelings
• Compassion and patience for your parts and for yourself
• Clear decision-making and balanced perspective

Techniques to access Self often involve mindfulness, grounding exercises, and intentional reflection. Simply pausing, noticing your body, and gently observing your thoughts without judgment can help you step into Self.

Talking to Parts From Self

One of the most practical applications of understanding what is self in IFS therapy is using it to communicate with your parts. Protector and exiled parts respond best when approached from a place of calm curiosity rather than urgency or judgment.

For instance, if a firefighter part urges avoidance or distraction, you can engage it from Self: “I understand you are trying to protect me. Can we explore what is happening underneath?” Approaching from Self allows the part to feel respected, reduces resistance, and creates space for deeper dialogue and eventual healing.

Integration and Harmony

Self plays a central role in integrating your internal system. When you interact with parts from Self, they gradually shift from extreme roles to more balanced and supportive roles. Exiles can release their burdens, managers can soften, and firefighters can adopt healthier coping strategies.

Understanding what is self in IFS therapy helps you recognize that healing is not about eliminating parts or controlling them. It’s about fostering collaboration within your internal system. Self provides the leadership, compassion, and clarity that allow the entire system to function harmoniously.

Challenges in Accessing Self

Many individuals find it challenging to access Self because parts have been carrying heavy burdens for a long time. Trauma, chronic stress, or early life experiences can make parts reactive and resistant to Self’s presence. Protector parts may fear that releasing exiles will be overwhelming, while exiles themselves may feel unsafe to express their emotions.

Recognizing these challenges is part of understanding what is self in IFS therapy. Approaching your system gently, with patience and respect, allows for gradual access to Self. Over time, repeated practice strengthens Self-energy and makes internal leadership and dialogue more accessible.

Self and the Nervous System

Self is not only a mental or emotional state; it is closely connected to the nervous system. Being in Self often corresponds with physiological calm, groundedness, and an ability to tolerate emotional intensity. This stability allows for safe interactions with parts, unburdening of exiles, and integration of previously suppressed emotions.

When protector parts sense that Self is present and stable, they are more likely to relax. Exiled parts then feel safe enough to release emotional and bodily burdens. Understanding what is self in IFS therapy includes recognizing that Self provides both emotional and physiological containment for the system.

Why Self Matters

Understanding what is self in IFS therapy is crucial because Self is the foundation for lasting change. Without access to Self, parts may continue to operate from extreme beliefs or reactive strategies. Healing is limited if the system lacks a compassionate, steady, and wise internal presence to guide and harmonize it.

Self enables you to:

• Engage with parts without conflict
• Foster trust and collaboration between parts
• Facilitate emotional release and unburdening
• Promote long-term resilience, calm, and self-compassion

By cultivating Self, you create the internal conditions necessary for your parts to shift from survival-driven roles to supportive, cooperative roles, leading to profound transformation.

Final Thoughts

So, what is self in IFS therapy? Self is the calm, compassionate, and curious core of your being. It is the leader, mediator, and container that allows you to interact with your parts safely and effectively. Self is distinct from your parts but intimately connected to their wellbeing.

By stepping into Self, you can communicate with protector and exiled parts, foster trust, and facilitate the release of burdens that have weighed on your internal system for years. Healing in IFS is not about eliminating parts but nurturing relationships with them under the guidance of Self.

If this resonates, consider therapy to explore what is self in IFS therapy and develop a deeper connection with your internal system. Go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US, and Europe.

Unburdening Parts in IFS Therapy: Healing Through Self, Safety, and Gentle Release

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a powerful framework for understanding and healing the complex inner world of the mind. One of the most transformative processes in IFS is unburdening parts. This is the act of helping our exiled parts release the extreme beliefs, emotions, and energies they have carried for years—often decades. These burdens usually develop in response to trauma, abandonment, or neglect, and they shape how we experience ourselves and the world.

Unburdening parts is not a process of rushing or forcing change. It requires a steady connection to Self, a stable nervous system, and careful attention to the protective parts that have been guarding these exiles. When approached with patience, curiosity, and compassion, unburdening parts can lead to profound emotional release, bodily liberation, and a sense of inner harmony.

The Importance of Being in Self

In IFS, the Self is the calm, compassionate, clear, and centered core of your being. Before unburdening parts, it is essential that you are operating from Self. If a protector is blended with Self, or if you are operating from anxiety, shame, or fear, attempting to unburden parts can be destabilizing and even retraumatizing.

Being in Self provides the clarity, patience, and compassion needed to witness exiled parts without judgment. From this position, you can approach a burdened part and invite it to share its story, its pain, and the ways it has been trying to survive. Self is like the wise guide in your internal system: grounded, reassuring, and steady. Without Self, the unburdening process loses its gentle, healing quality and can feel overwhelming or unsafe for both the client and the exiled parts.

Building Stability in the Nervous System

Before releasing the heavy energies carried by exiles, it’s critical to build stability in the nervous system. Exiled parts often hold intense emotional and bodily sensations connected to trauma, abandonment, or fear. These energies can manifest as tightness in the chest, shallow breathing, panic, dissociation, or even chronic tension.

By cultivating nervous system stability—through grounding, breathwork, or other somatic techniques—you create a container in which emotional release can happen safely. A stable nervous system allows the body to metabolize and integrate the energy being released. Without this foundation, unburdening parts can feel overwhelming, triggering fight-or-flight reactions or further defensive responses from protector parts.

Always Ask Permission from Protectors

Protector parts—managers and firefighters—are the guardians of exiles. They have been keeping these vulnerable parts safe for years, often by blocking access or suppressing feelings that feel too painful. Before you can begin unburdening parts, it is essential to ask for permission from these protectors.

Protector parts are more likely to cooperate when they feel respected. You can approach a manager or firefighter and say internally: “I see you are working hard to protect this part. May I speak with the exiled part now?” Asking permission helps build trust and signals that the release process will be gentle, respectful, and safe.

Skipping this step can lead to resistance, heightened anxiety, or defensive reactions, making it difficult for exiles to open up and release their burdens. The process of unburdening parts is collaborative: you are working with your internal system, not against it.

What Happens During Unburdening Parts

Unburdening parts is both an emotional and somatic process. Exiles carry not only painful beliefs but also intense emotional energies. Common burdens include feelings of abandonment, shame, guilt, fear, or unworthiness. These energies are often stored in the body—manifesting as tension, heaviness, or a sense of contraction in specific areas.

When a part is safely invited to release its burden, these emotional and bodily energies can flow. For example, a part carrying abandonment may experience a release of tightness in the chest, tears, or a sense of letting go. A part holding fear of rejection may feel warmth, relief, or a lifting sensation in the body. Unburdening parts allows these energies to move, bringing relief not only emotionally but also physically.

This release is often subtle but profound. Even small shifts in energy or belief can transform how a part relates to the world. Over time, the formerly burdened parts can adopt healthier roles within the internal system, becoming allies rather than sources of pain.

The Role of Gentle Presence

A critical principle of unburdening parts is gentleness. Exiles are often deeply wounded and have carried their burdens for a long time. Attempting to rush their release, push too hard, or operate from a place of urgency can retraumatize the system and create resistance from protector parts.

Gentleness comes from staying connected to Self, honoring the pace of each part, and listening deeply to what the system needs in the moment. This may mean pausing, grounding, or simply offering compassionate attention rather than pushing for immediate release. When unburdening parts is approached in this gentle way, the process can be deeply transformative, allowing for sustainable healing and integration.

Examples of Emotional Release

Many people experience unburdening parts as a combination of emotional and physical release. For instance:

• A part carrying abandonment may release tears or a heavy sensation in the chest.
  
• A part burdened with shame may notice a loosening of tension in the shoulders or neck.
  
• A part holding fear may experience warmth, relief, or a sense of lightness in the body.
  

These shifts represent the energy that the part has been carrying finally being acknowledged and released. Over time, this allows the exiled part to adopt a healthier perspective, contribute positively to the internal system, and restore balance and harmony.

Why Unburdening Parts Matters

Unburdening parts is a cornerstone of IFS therapy because it allows exiles to integrate back into the system without the extreme beliefs and emotional pain they once carried. This process reduces internal conflict, creates room for self-compassion, and promotes a sense of wholeness.

The benefits of unburdening parts extend beyond the internal system. As emotional burdens release, your relationships, behavior, and daily experience of life often shift. You may notice greater ease, emotional flexibility, and a newfound capacity to respond rather than react to triggers. By treating your parts with gentleness and respect, you also strengthen the overall health of your nervous system, promoting resilience and well-being.

Final Thoughts

Unburdening parts is a profound and delicate process. It requires:

1. Being in Self, so that you approach parts from a calm, compassionate, and clear presence.
   
2. Building stability in the nervous system, ensuring that emotional release can be contained safely.
   
3. Asking for permission from protector parts, honoring the parts that have been guarding exiles for years.
   
4. Gently releasing emotional and bodily energies, allowing exiles to let go of burdens such as abandonment, fear, or shame.
   

When approached with patience, curiosity, and respect, unburdening parts can transform your internal system. Exiles are freed from the extreme beliefs they have carried, protector parts can relax, and the Self emerges as a compassionate guide, fostering harmony, self-compassion, and emotional resilience.

Consider IFS Therapy

If this resonates, consider therapy to explore unburdening parts and build inner calm. Go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US, and Europe.

IFS For Anxiety – A Gentle, Compassionate Approach to Healing

Anxiety is a pervasive and often debilitating emotion that can leave us feeling trapped in a relentless cycle of worry, fear, and distress. IFS for anxiety is a safe and thorough meditative form of psychotherapy that helps people to explore the mind, body connection and release anxiety from their system.

Anxiety is a complex, multi-faceted emotion, deeply rooted in our evolutionary history as a survival mechanism. In its adaptive form, anxiety serves as an internal alarm system, alerting us to potential threats and guiding us to seek safety. 

However, when anxiety becomes excessive or persistent, it can significantly impair our ability to function and engage in daily life.

If you are struggling with anxiety, you might be impacted by one of the following:

• Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
• Panic attacks
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Anxious-attachment
• Social anxiety
• Intrusive thoughts

Anxiety disorders, such as generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder, are characterised by a heightened state of worry, apprehension, and physical arousal that often interferes with an individual’s well-being. 

Common symptoms may include racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, and feelings of unease or impending doom.

Its hold on our life can seem insurmountable, yet there exists a powerful therapeutic approach that holds the potential to unlock a world of emotional freedom and liberation.

Enter Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy – a groundbreaking modality that helps us heal anxiety through compassion.

IFS therapy invites us to explore our inner world, illuminating the interconnectedness of our various emotional parts and the roles they play in our daily experiences. 

Recognizing anxiety’s role in our internal system is a crucial first step in the IFS journey, as it enables us to identify and address the specific parts that contribute to our emotional distress. By understanding anxiety’s purpose and origins, we can begin to cultivate self-compassion and explore new ways of relating to our anxiety. 

Through the lens of IFS, we can discover new ways of relating to anxiety with compassion and mindfulness and getting to the emotional root of anxiety for deep and profound emotional healing.

I have 5 years of experience guiding people with getting to know their parts and releasing emotional energies from their subconscious mind, so they can recover a more calm, compassionate sense of self. I provide IFS for anxiety in Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK and online. If you have questions, you can go to my contact page to book a consult with me.

How to Understand Anxiety with IFS

IFS for anxiety will help people heal anxiety by mindfully separating from their anxious thoughts and feelings, so they feel less overwhelmed by their anxiety

For example, instead of saying “I am anxious” we can learn to say “a PART of me is anxious”. 

IFS helps people to connect with their anxiety and BE WITH the anxiety with mindful presence, which helps people to feel less flooded and emotionally overwhelmed by their anxiety. 

Working With Anxiety-related Exiles

Anxiety is often the manifestation of an underlying, unresolved emotional wound or trauma. 

When a child has repetitive experiences of a parent failing to comfort and reassure them, this will form an emotional wound of abandonment in their subconscious mind and the child will interpret these experiences by forming limiting beliefs such as 

“people will leave me” and “nobody loves me”. This creates an abandoned exile that carries stored emotional energy of hurt and pain in the subconscious mind and nervous system.

When the pain is so great, the child learns to repress this burden into their subconscious mind and the child forms a deep fear of abandonment into their future relationships. 

Working With Anxiety-related Protectors

In an attempt to manage this deep fear of abandonment, the child will learn coping mechanisms and behaviours to protect themselves from the pain of potential abandonment. 

These strategies may include becoming a people pleaser and prioritising the feelings and needs of others above their own, being overly accommodating. Then as an adult, they may over-analyse because they don’t trust their gut, become angry and critical when they don’t get their needs met, especially if they struggle to set boundaries and advocate for their emotional well-being.

If we are to consider IFS for anxiety, then we would break these down into managers and protectors.

Managers in IFS for Anxiety

Managers are parts that are proactive and work hard to protect the person from feeling anxiety from the exiles. 

They will scan for possible future events of abandonment and take actions to prevent that from happening and prevent the abandoned exile from being activated. 

People pleasing is a common manager people develop in order to prevent themselves from rejection and abandonment. 

Clinginess and neediness is a common manager in IFS for individuals with an abandonment wound, and it tends to surface when someone they care about seems distant or unresponsive. 

This manager attempts to maintain the connection and gain reassurance by seeking constant attention, displaying controlling behaviours, or becoming overly dependent.

For example, if a friend or partner takes longer than usual to respond to a text message or seems preoccupied, the individual might react with heightened anxiety and resort to clingy or needy behaviours. While this manager believes it is protecting the individual from potential abandonment, its actions can ultimately strain relationships and exacerbate feelings of insecurity.

A worry manager in IFS is another attempt a person may use to protect them from potential abandonment. They may engage in a pattern of persistent, negative thinking. This manager will focus on anticipating worst-case scenarios in relationships, leading the person to feel a heightened sense of vulnerability and unease. By fixating on what could go wrong, a worry manager maintains a state of hyper-vigilance that can ultimately perpetuate a cycle of insecurity and fear in personal connections.

An over-analysing manager in IFS often emerges as a response to past experiences of abandonment, manifesting as an incessant need to scrutinize every aspect of interpersonal interactions. 

This manager seeks to gain control over potential hurt by examining conversations, body language, and behaviours of others for hidden meanings or signs of rejection. In doing so, the individual is continually on edge, feeling as though they must decipher every nuance and detail to protect themselves from the pain of abandonment. While this strategy may seem protective, it can actually lead to greater distress, as the constant analysis often fuels anxiety and prevents genuine connection with others.

A controlling manager in IFS therapy often arises as a means to prevent feelings of abandonment by attempting to exert influence over people, situations, and outcomes. This manager seeks to maintain a sense of security and control by dictating the course of relationships, decision-making processes, and the overall environment.

The controlling manager in IFS therapy may exhibit behaviours such as excessive planning, rigidity, or being overly demanding, as they believe that asserting power in this manner will prevent potential loss or rejection. However, this controlling nature can lead to strained relationships and increased stress, as the manager’s tactics often clash with others’ needs and desires for autonomy and flexibility. 

Managers:

People-pleasing manager

Clingy manager

Worry manager

Overanalysing manager

Controlling manager

Firefighters in IFS for Anxiety

When an anxious exile is triggered, a firefighter might step in to ease the discomfort using quick-fix methods like indulging in food, substances, shopping, or other numbing activities. Firefighters operate with the sole mission of extinguishing present-moment emotional pain.

Another example of a firefighter behaviour related to this fear of abandonment and separation from another may be engaging in compulsive shopping or overspending. 

When faced with the emotional turmoil associated with the fear of abandonment, an individual may turn to shopping as a means of finding temporary relief.

The act of acquiring new possessions can provide a sense of control and self-soothing, as well as a temporary high from the excitement of obtaining something new. However, this behaviour can lead to financial problems and feelings of shame or guilt, ultimately exacerbating anxiety. 

Another example may be binge eating and using food as a source of comfort and distraction from anxiety related to attachment issues.

Or, impulsive sexual behaviours and seeking validation or a sense of connection through casual or high-risk sexual encounters.

And excessive screen time or social media use: Using digital distractions to avoid confronting feelings of loneliness or abandonment.

Anger, as a firefighter response related to anxious attachment, often manifests as a way to protect oneself from feelings of vulnerability, fear, or abandonment.

When an individual feels threatened or emotionally exposed in a relationship, they might resort to anger as a defense mechanism. By directing their focus outward and placing blame on others, they can avoid confronting their own insecurities or emotional pain.

Anger can also serve as a way to regain a sense of control in situations where an individual feels powerless or out of control. Lashing out or engaging in aggressive behaviors can create a temporary sense of empowerment, masking the underlying distress associated with anxious attachment.

However, relying on anger as a coping mechanism can strain relationships and perpetuate a cycle of conflict. It prevents individuals from acknowledging and addressing their true emotions, leading to increased feelings of isolation and misunderstanding.

Firefighters:

Shopping

Abuse

Sexual impulsivity

Excessive screen time

Anger

Firefighters

While these coping mechanisms may offer temporary relief, they often do not address the underlying emotional wound and can lead to difficulties in forming healthy, trusting relationships later in life.

How would IFS therapy for Anxiety Heal Anxiety?

IFS therapy for anxiety offers a transformative approach to healing anxiety by addressing its root causes and fostering a sense of harmony within your internal system. Here’s how IFS therapy can help you overcome anxiety and cultivate emotional well-being:

Understanding and validating anxious parts: IFS therapy for anxiety encourages you to recognize and engage with the anxious parts of your internal system. By validating their concerns and understanding their protective roles, you can reduce the intensity of their emotional reactions and cultivate self-compassion.

Accessing and strengthening self-energy: As you develop the capacity to access self-energy, a core tenet of IFS, you can experience a greater sense of inner peace and groundedness. This newfound calm can help counteract the effects of anxiety and create a more balanced emotional state.

Exploring and healing underlying trauma: By examining the experiences or traumas that have contributed to your anxiety, you can foster deeper emotional healing. IFS therapy for anxiety facilitates this process by providing a safe and supportive environment for self-discovery and growth.

Facilitating integration and transformation: Through compassionate dialogue and understanding, anxious parts can be integrated into your internal system, allowing them to adopt new, more adaptive roles. This transformation promotes emotional resilience and reduces anxiety’s influence on your life.

IFS therapy for anxiety empowers you to navigate your emotional landscape with self-awareness, empathy, and confidence. By addressing the root causes of your anxiety and fostering a more harmonious internal system, you can achieve lasting emotional freedom and well-being.

How to begin IFS for anxiety

Start connecting to parts

To begin IFS for anxiety, you can start by connecting to your parts. When you feel overwhelmed with anxiety or emotionally triggered, practice mindfully separating yourself from the anxiety. 

To do this, starts by observing and noticing the anxiety and relating to it in a different way. You can begin observing where you notice the anxiety in your body. Perhaps you feel your heart racing and your anxious part is in your heart area. What sensations do you notice there? Get curious. 

Build a relationship with parts

Then you can begin building a relationship with your parts through the lens of your adult self. 

IFS for anxiety is all about unblending from parts and mindfully separating from your parts, so you feel less overwhelmed by them. So instead of saying “I’m feeling anxious” you can start saying “a part of me is anxious”. 

Another way to unblend from a part is noticing how you feel toward your anxious part or asking it to step aside. Once you have unblended from a part, then you have the self energy to get to know parts. You might begin saying anxiety, are you ok? I’m curious to get to know you better. What is making you feel anxious? What’s on your mind? Then you can listen and validate the feelings of your anxious part by saying “it makes sense why you feel anxious, it’s ok”. 

Often validating the feelings of your anxious part is a great way for building trust, because your part feels seen and heard. 

Work with a professional

IFS, we may encounter instances where certain parts remain overwhelmed, making it challenging to create space and differentiate ourselves from their intense emotions. Additionally, accessing a sense of calm or centeredness may prove difficult, especially if we have experienced trauma. This struggle can leave us feeling uncertain about the source of our emotional reactions and unsure of how to proceed.

When faced with these obstacles, seeking support from a therapist can be highly beneficial. A trained professional can guide us in working with parts burdened by trauma, assisting us in uncovering the root causes of our emotional distress and fostering a deeper understanding of our internal system.

Through therapy, we can learn to cultivate self-energy and strengthen our capacity to unblend from overwhelmed parts, ultimately creating a more harmonious balance within our emotional landscape. By addressing the unique challenges that arise in our IFS journey, we can move forward with greater resilience and self-awareness, fostering lasting emotional healing and well-being.

I have 5 years of experience guiding people with getting to know their parts and releasing emotional energies from their subconscious mind, so they can recover a more calm, compassionate sense of self. I provide IFS for anxiety in Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK and online.

Next steps

If you’d like to begin reducing anxiety and you’re interested in IFS for anxiety, you can view my availability on my home page and book an intro session with me.

Read more

Understanding IFS Anxious Parts: A Guide to Inner Healing

IFS Therapy for Social Anxiety: Understanding Your Parts and Building Confidence

4 IFS Parts Examples: Understanding Depression, Anxiety, and Anxious Attachment Through the IFS Lens