Narcissism

10 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother

Living with a narcissistic mother can be hard because of their complex behaviors, such as gaslighting, which makes you doubt yourself, and ignoring your boundaries. It’s important to find ways to cope and take care of yourself when dealing with these behaviors.

Narcissistic mothers often treat their children as a way to satisfy their own needs and wants, instead of providing the care and support that their children need. They are emotionally immature and struggle to grow, which leads to selfish parenting and a lack of empathy for their children.

Instead of helping their children emotionally, narcissistic mothers focus on their own feelings and use manipulation to stay in control. This can make it hard for their children to form healthy relationships, have good self-esteem, and feel cared for, leaving them vulnerable to unhealthy and abusive relationships.

To better understand narcissistic mothers, here are 9 common signs of a narcissistic mother:

1. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a common manipulation tactic used by narcissistic mothers, which can be detrimental to their children’s mental health and sense of reality. Here are some signs of gaslighting by a narcissistic mother:

Denying or distorting reality: Narcissistic mothers may deny or twist events to make their children question their own experiences. For example, they might insist that an incident never happened or happened differently, causing the child to doubt their own memory.

Invalidating feelings: They may dismiss or belittle their children’s emotions, telling them they’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” This invalidation can make it difficult for the child to trust their own emotions and develop a healthy emotional understanding.

Projecting blame: Narcissistic mothers often refuse to take responsibility for their actions and may instead project blame onto their children. This can result in the child internalizing a sense of guilt and self-doubt.

Using contradictory statements: Narcissistic mothers may make contradictory statements to confuse their children and maintain control. This can leave the child feeling off-balance and unsure of what to believe.

Isolating from support systems: A narcissistic mother may try to isolate her children from friends, family, or other support systems to maintain control and avoid being exposed. This isolation can make it harder for the child to seek support and maintain a sense of self.

Manipulating memories: Narcissistic mothers may distort or rewrite past events to suit their own narrative, further eroding their children’s sense of reality and self-trust.

Recognizing these signs of gaslighting can be the first step towards understanding the dynamics of a narcissistic mother’s behavior and seeking support to heal and build a stronger sense of self.

2. Cross boundaries

Narcissistic mothers can ignore their children’s boundaries, often refusing to accept “no” as an answer. They may insist on making decisions for their children, even when it’s not appropriate or desired. This can create a sense of powerlessness in their children, hindering their ability to develop a strong sense of self.

3. Emotionally immature

Narcissistic mothers often exhibit emotional immaturity, which can have a significant impact on their children’s emotional development. Here are some signs of emotional immaturity in a narcissistic mother:

Inability to regulate emotions: Narcissistic mothers may struggle to manage their own emotions, leading to unpredictable and intense emotional outbursts or mood swings. This instability can create an environment of fear and uncertainty for their children.

Lack of empathy: They may find it difficult to empathize with their children’s feelings and experiences, resulting in a lack of emotional support and understanding. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and a weakened sense of self-worth in their children.

Need for constant validation: Narcissistic mothers often require excessive validation and attention from their children, placing their own emotional needs above those of their children. This can create an unhealthy dynamic in which the child feels responsible for the mother’s emotional well-being.

Poor impulse control: Narcissistic mothers may exhibit poor impulse control, leading to rash decisions and behaviors that prioritize their own desires over their children’s best interests. This can create a chaotic and unstable environment for their children.

Inability to apologise or accept responsibility: Narcissistic mothers may struggle to admit when they’re wrong or take responsibility for their actions. This can result in a lack of accountability and an inability to learn from their mistakes.

Playing favorites or pitting siblings against each other: Narcissistic mothers may play favorites among their children or create competition and tension between siblings to maintain control and ensure their position as the center of attention.

Understanding the signs of emotional immaturity in narcissistic mothers can help individuals recognize the impact these behaviors have on their own emotional development and seek appropriate support to heal and build healthier emotional patterns.

4. Neglectful

Narcissistic mothers can be neglectful in various ways, which can significantly affect their children’s emotional development, self-esteem, and overall well-being. Here are some signs of neglectful behavior in narcissistic mothers:

• Emotional neglect: Narcissistic mothers may fail to provide emotional support, understanding, or validation for their children’s feelings. This emotional neglect can result in feelings of isolation, worthlessness, and difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life.

• Physical neglect: They may also neglect their children’s physical needs, such as providing proper nutrition, healthcare, or a safe living environment. This can lead to physical health issues and a sense of instability for the child.

• Failure to provide guidance or structure: Narcissistic mothers may not offer adequate guidance or structure for their children, leading to a lack of stability and security. This can result in difficulties with self-discipline, decision-making, and overall life skills.

• Lack of interest in their children’s activities: Narcissistic mothers may show little to no interest in their children’s school events, extracurricular activities, or personal achievements, leaving the child feeling unsupported and unimportant.

Recognizing these signs of neglect can help individuals better understand the impact a narcissistic mother’s behavior can have on their development and seek support to address the resulting emotional or psychological challenges.

5. Lashes out 

Narcissistic mothers may exhibit lashing out behaviors when they feel threatened, criticized, or when their needs are not being met. Here are some signs of lashing out behavior in narcissistic mothers:

• Verbal attacks: Narcissistic mothers may use harsh words, insults, or put-downs to belittle their children, often targeting their self-esteem and self-worth.
• Emotional manipulation: They may resort to emotional manipulation tactics, such as guilt-tripping or gaslighting, to maintain control and assert their dominance.
• Unpredictable outbursts: Narcissistic mothers may have sudden outbursts of anger or rage, creating an environment of fear and unpredictability for their children.
• Physical aggression: In some cases, narcissistic mothers may become physically aggressive towards their children or engage in destructive behaviors, such as throwing objects or damaging property.
• Silent treatment: They may give their children the silent treatment as a form of punishment, withholding affection and communication to reassert control and manipulate their children’s emotions.
• Rejection or abandonment: Narcissistic mothers may threaten to abandon their children or reject them as a means of maintaining control and instilling fear and insecurity.

Understanding the signs of lashing out behavior in narcissistic mothers can help individuals recognize the toxic dynamics at play and seek support to establish healthier boundaries and protect their emotional well-being.

6. Subtle criticism

Narcissistic mothers may use subtle criticism as a way to undermine their children’s self-esteem and maintain control over them. Here are some signs of subtle criticism in narcissistic mothers:

• Backhanded compliments: Narcissistic mothers may give their children backhanded compliments that appear to be positive but contain an underlying critical message. For example, they might say, “You look so much better now that you’ve lost weight” or “I’m surprised you did so well on your test.”

• Constant nit-picking: They may continuously point out minor flaws or mistakes in their children’s appearance, behavior, or achievements, slowly eroding their self-confidence.

• Passive-aggressive comments: Narcissistic mothers might make passive-aggressive remarks that subtly communicate their disapproval or disappointment. For example, they might say, “I guess you didn’t have time to clean your room again” or “It’s a shame you didn’t inherit my good looks.”

• Comparisons: They may compare their children unfavorably to others, such as siblings, cousins, or friends, to highlight perceived shortcomings and fuel feelings of inadequacy.

• Body language and facial expressions: Narcissistic mothers may use non-verbal cues, such as eye-rolling, sighing, or smirking, to communicate their disapproval or disappointment.

• Recognising these signs of subtle criticism can help individuals become more aware of the harmful communication patterns used by narcissistic mothers and work towards developing healthier self-esteem and boundaries.

7. Parentification

In some cases, narcissistic mothers may force their children into a parental role, relying on them for emotional support or guidance. This role reversal crosses healthy boundaries and can impede the child’s ability to form a strong sense of self and experience a healthy childhood.

8. Emotional enmeshment

One of the overlooked signs of a narcissistic mother is that they may blur the lines between their own emotions and their children’s, leading to emotional enmeshment. 

This can create an unhealthy dynamic where the child feels responsible for the mother’s emotional well-being, further eroding boundaries and leading to feelings of confusion and anxiety.

9. Triangulation

Another sign of a narcissistic mother is the tendency to use triangulation to manipulate relationships and maintain control within the family dynamic.

Narcissistic mothers often involve a third person in their relationships with their children, creating a manipulative triangle. This could involve comparing their child to another family member or friend, or trying to pit people against each other. They might use statements like, “Your sister never talks back to me like you do,” or “Even your father agrees that you’re too sensitive.”

The purpose of triangulation is to create division, insecurity, and doubt among family members, making it easier for the narcissistic mother to assert her control. By playing people off one another, she can maintain a sense of power and importance within the family dynamic.

Recognising the signs of triangulation can help individuals understand the manipulation tactics used by narcissistic mothers and work towards establishing healthier relationships and boundaries within the family.

10. Entitlement

Another sign of a narcissistic mother is her tendency to exhibit an attitude of entitlement and superiority.

Narcissistic mothers often believe they are special, unique, or superior to others, including their own children. As a result, they feel entitled to special treatment, automatic compliance, and unquestioning obedience from their children.

This attitude of entitlement can manifest in several ways:

• Demanding attention and admiration: Narcissistic mothers may expect constant attention, praise, and admiration from their children, becoming angry or upset if they don’t receive it.

• Expecting favors or obedience: They may expect their children to always comply with their wishes and cater to their needs, even at the expense of their own.

• Viewing their children as extensions of themselves: Narcissistic mothers may see their children as reflections of themselves, expecting them to fulfill their own unrealized dreams or ambitions.
• Disregarding boundaries: They may feel entitled to ignore or violate their children’s boundaries, leading to a lack of privacy and personal space.

Recognizing the signs of entitlement and superiority in narcissistic mothers can help individuals understand the root of their demanding behavior and work towards establishing healthier expectations and boundaries within the parent-child relationship.

Dealing with a narcissistic mother

Dealing with a narcissistic mother can be challenging, but establishing boundaries and prioritizing self-care are crucial steps towards protecting your emotional well-being. Here are some strategies:

Set boundaries: Communicate your limits and expectations clearly. Be consistent in enforcing your boundaries, and make it clear that you will not tolerate abusive or manipulative behavior. It may take time for your mother to understand and respect these boundaries, but it’s essential to remain firm and patient.

Seek support: Connect with friends, family, or support groups who understand your situation and can provide emotional support. Talking to a therapist or counselor can also help you navigate the challenges and emotions associated with having a narcissistic mother.

Practice self-care: Take care of your physical and emotional well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This can include hobbies, exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature. Prioritizing your own needs will help you develop resilience and a stronger sense of self.

Educate yourself: Learn more about narcissistic personality disorder and the patterns of behavior associated with it. This can help you better understand your mother’s actions and develop effective coping strategies.

Remember, you have the power to shape your own life and well-being. By taking steps to protect yourself and prioritize your needs, you can work towards a more positive and balanced relationship with your narcissistic mother.

If this resonates, you’re not alone. You can go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session and explore the parts of you impacted by a narcissistic mother. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

Coparenting with a Narcissist: 10 Tips to Foster Emotional Resilience

Co-parenting can be a challenging journey, but when your co-parent exhibits narcissistic tendencies, the process can become even more complicated. 

Narcissistic individuals often display patterns of self-centeredness, manipulation, and a lack of empathy, making cooperation and healthy communication difficult. 

In some cases, co-parenting with a narcissist may seem nearly impossible, as it requires both parents to engage in mutual respect and prioritize their children’s needs over their own.

While it can be demanding, co-parenting with a narcissist is possible in certain circumstances, as long as it remains safe for all parties involved. To achieve a semblance of harmony, the key lies in seeking support and safeguarding your emotional wellbeing. 

As a parent, your primary goal is to provide a stable and nurturing environment for your children. When dealing with a narcissistic co-parent, it’s crucial to develop strong boundaries and practice self-care, ensuring that you remain emotionally available for your children. Additionally, finding ways to minimize conflict and encourage positive interactions can create a more stable environment, allowing your children to thrive despite the challenges posed by a narcissistic co-parent.

In this blog post, we’ll explore effective strategies for co-parenting with a narcissist, including tips for communication, boundary-setting, and managing expectations. By understanding and addressing the unique challenges that arise in these situations, you can successfully navigate this complex co-parenting dynamic and foster a sense of emotional resilience and inner strength.

Signs you are co-parenting with a narcissist 

Here are some signs you’re coparenting with a narcissist:

Lack of Empathy

A narcissistic co-parent may show little concern for the emotional needs of you or your children, often prioritizing their own desires over the well-being of the family.

Manipulative Communication

Narcissists tend to use communication as a tool to control and manipulate situations to their advantage, rather than fostering open and honest dialogue.

Gaslighting

Narcissists may try to distort your perception of reality, leading you to question your judgment or even your sanity. They might do this by denying events that have taken place or twisting the truth.

Inconsistent Parenting

A narcissistic co-parent may struggle to maintain consistent parenting approaches, leading to confusion and insecurity for your children. They may shift between being overly permissive and authoritarian without providing clear expectations or boundaries.

Playing the Victim

Narcissists often play the victim in situations, blaming others for problems and refusing to take responsibility for their actions. They might use this tactic to gain sympathy or avoid accountability.

Fostering Division

Narcissistic co-parents may attempt to drive a wedge between you and your children, using manipulation and lies to create distrust and undermine your authority.

Need for Constant Admiration

Narcissists have a deep-seated need for admiration and praise, often seeking validation from others, including their children. They might demand excessive appreciation for basic parenting responsibilities or become defensive when faced with criticism.

1. Keep conversations child focused

When engaging in discussions with a narcissistic co-parent, it’s crucial to maintain focus on your children’s needs, well-being, and best interests. By centering conversations around your children, you shift attention away from the narcissist’s self-centered behaviors or attempts at manipulation.

Discuss topics like your children’s schedules, school activities, extracurricular events, and emotional needs. If your co-parent tries to steer the conversation toward personal issues or unrelated matters, calmly remind them that the priority is your children’s welfare and redirect the conversation back to child-focused topics.

Maintaining this child-centered approach helps minimize conflict and keeps your co-parenting communication productive and effective. It also provides stability and security for your children, as they witness a united front and consistent prioritization of their needs, despite any challenges in your co-parenting relationship.

2. Avoid emotional engagement

Emotional engagement with a narcissistic co-parent can be incredibly draining and potentially damaging to your well-being. Staying calm and detached during interactions can help you avoid unnecessary emotional battles that only serve to fuel the narcissist’s need for attention and validation.

Practicing non-reactivity is key to avoiding emotional engagement. This involves recognizing your triggers, taking a step back to process your emotions, and responding calmly rather than reacting emotionally. It’s crucial to remember that you cannot control your co-parent’s behavior or reactions, but you can choose how you respond.

By remaining emotionally neutral and focusing on the facts, you can prevent your co-parent from using your emotions against you and potentially escalating the situation. Additionally, avoid getting drawn into lengthy discussions or arguments that serve no purpose other than to create tension or conflict. Instead, maintain a professional, business-like approach when interacting with your co-parent to keep the focus on the task at hand: providing the best possible care and support for your children.

3. Limit communication

When co-parenting with a narcissist, it’s important to set limits on the frequency and method of communication. Establish designated times and days for discussing child-related matters, and stick to those boundaries. This structure helps minimize unnecessary interactions and potential conflicts.

Choose a communication method that provides a buffer and allows for documentation, such as email or a parenting app. Limiting real-time communication like phone calls or text messages can reduce the potential for impulsive reactions or heated exchanges. Establishing a clear, documented communication trail makes it easier to stay focused on important matters and maintain accountability for both co-parents.

4. Accept their emotional immaturity

Recognize that a narcissistic co-parent is emotionally immature and may be incapable of personal growth without significant self-awareness and professional help. They might struggle with taking responsibility for their actions and instead project their shame, guilt, or insecurities onto others.

It’s crucial to accept that you cannot change or educate them. Attempting to do so will likely only lead to frustration and disappointment. Instead, focus on what you can control—your own actions, responses, and the environment you provide for your children. By releasing the expectation that your co-parent will change, you can better manage your interactions and maintain a sense of emotional stability for your children and yourself.

5. Create a parenting plan

Establishing a comprehensive parenting plan is crucial for successful co-parenting, especially when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent. A well-structured plan clearly outlines each parent’s roles, responsibilities, and expectations, reducing opportunities for conflict and misunderstanding. Include detailed schedules for parenting time, holidays, and vacations, as well as agreed-upon methods for communication and decision-making.

Consider involving a professional mediator, counselor, or family law attorney to help draft the parenting plan, ensuring it addresses the unique challenges presented by a narcissistic co-parent. A solid parenting plan not only provides stability and structure for your children but also serves as a valuable reference point when disputes or misunderstandings arise.

6. Create a custody agreement

When co-parenting with a narcissistic ex, it’s crucial to establish clear legal custody arrangements to minimize opportunities for manipulation. Narcissists often believe they’re the superior parent and may attempt to prove this to others. They might intrude on your parenting time or undermine your plans with the children.

By creating a legally binding custody agreement, you eliminate any ambiguity surrounding parenting time and responsibilities. Both you and your ex will know the specific details of your custody arrangement, reducing potential conflict and uncertainty. A narcissist is less likely to disregard rules when there are legal consequences, providing a more stable and predictable environment for your children.

7. Maintain firm boundaries

When co-parenting with a narcissist, maintaining assertive and healthy boundaries is essential. Narcissists tend to manipulate situations to their advantage, often disregarding rules and pushing limits. To protect your well-being and that of your children, establish clear boundaries and enforce them consistently.

For example, if you begin a new relationship and prefer not to discuss it with your ex, communicate that the topic is off-limits. If they persist in questioning or pressuring you, implement a predetermined consequence, such as ending the conversation or removing yourself from the situation. By consistently enforcing these boundaries, you demonstrate that their manipulative behavior will not be tolerated, fostering a more stable and secure environment for your family.

It’s important to remember that narcissists often struggle to respect boundaries, as they perceive them as a threat to their need for control.

In these situations, it’s crucial to enforce your boundaries by disengaging from interactions with them. 

If your narcissistic co-parent continues to push against your boundaries despite your clear communication, don’t hesitate to end the conversation or remove yourself from the situation. This might mean walking away, asking them to leave your home, or temporarily limiting contact.

By demonstrating a commitment to upholding your boundaries, you protect your well-being and that of your children, while sending a clear message to your co-parent that their attempts at manipulation will not be successful.

8. Practice emotional detachment

One effective strategy for managing interactions with a narcissistic co-parent is practicing emotional detachment. While it can be challenging, maintaining a calm and respectful demeanor can help diffuse tense situations and discourage further conflict.

Narcissists often seek engagement and thrive on high-energy, emotionally charged interactions.

Often narcissists feel powerless, so they try to make others feel helpless and powerless as it makes them feel powerful.

By choosing not to “take the bait” and remaining composed, you can effectively de-escalate potential disputes. This approach not only safeguards your emotional well-being but also serves as a model of healthy communication for your children.

Emotional detachment doesn’t mean being cold or dismissive. Rather, it involves maintaining a mindful awareness of your feelings while choosing not to let them control your reactions. By cultivating emotional detachment, you can better navigate challenging interactions with your co-parent and foster a more peaceful, stable environment for your family.

A good affirmation for this is “when someone tries to disempower me, they remind me of how powerful I am.” Repeating this affirmation can reinforce your resolve to remain calm and composed, empowering you to uphold your boundaries and model healthy communication for your children.

9. Foster discernment

Co-parenting with a narcissist can easily consume your thoughts and emotions, making it difficult to maintain a balanced perspective. Practicing mental detachment can help you view their behavior as a reflection of their own insecurities rather than a personal attack.

By taking a step back and observing the situation objectively, you can recognize their actions as attempts to fuel their inflated sense of self-importance. This understanding allows you to redirect your energy toward your children’s needs and well-being, rather than engaging in pointless battles with your co-parent.

10. Presence over perfection

Co-parenting with a narcissist can be emotionally taxing, as you often find yourself compensating for their lack of stable and calm parenting. Attempting to counteract the effects of their behavior on your children can lead to feelings of burnout and overwhelm.

It’s essential to remember that being a good parent doesn’t require perfection; instead, it’s about being present. 

Research indicates that children need their parents to be attuned to their needs approximately 50% of the time to develop a secure and healthy attachment. This attunement involves understanding and responding to your children’s emotional needs, promoting trust and open communication.

While co-parenting with a narcissist may complicate matters, remember that your consistent presence and responsiveness can help foster resilience in your children. By prioritizing quality time and connection with your children, you provide a stable foundation that can mitigate the effects of their other parent’s behavior.

Recognise that you cannot shield your children from every negative aspect of their other parent’s behavior, and that’s okay.

To prevent emotional burnout, prioritize self-care and seek support from friends, family, or professionals. 

Take time to engage in activities that bring you joy and nourish your mental well-being. Remember, your ability to care for your children is directly tied to your emotional health, so taking care of yourself is vital for your entire family’s well-being.

Internal family systems therapy can help

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is an effective approach for fostering emotional resilience and inner harmony while co-parenting with a narcissist and healing from the past relationship. IFS focuses on understanding and harmonizing various internal “parts” or sub-personalities, which can be particularly beneficial in addressing the complex emotional challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist.

Through IFS therapy, you can explore the emotional wounds caused by the narcissistic relationship, develop self-compassion, and strengthen your capacity to cope with ongoing challenges. By building a more balanced and integrated internal system, you can better manage stress, protect your emotional boundaries, and maintain a nurturing environment for your children.

As you cultivate emotional resilience and inner harmony, you become better equipped to navigate the complexities of co-parenting with a narcissist. This not only benefits your personal well-being but also provides a model of emotional strength and self-care for your children, supporting their development and overall well-being.

Co-parenting with a narcissist is hard, if you’re struggling with the parts of you impacted it may be helpful to seek therapy to heal the parts of you impacted and strengthen your resilient adult self. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

13 Male Narcissist Traits and How to Deal With One 

In a world where self-confidence and assertiveness are often celebrated, distinguishing between healthy self-esteem and pathological narcissism can be challenging. 

Male narcissist traits, in particular, can be difficult to identify and navigate, as societal norms may reinforce or even reward certain aspects of this complex personality type. In this comprehensive article, we delve into the unique characteristics and behaviors associated with male narcissism, shedding light on the nuances of this often misunderstood disorder. By examining key male narcissist traits such as grandiosity, charm, emotional volatility, manipulation, and attention-seeking, we aim to provide a deeper understanding of the male narcissist and offer valuable insights for those interacting with these individuals.

1. Controlling 

Controlling behavior is a hallmark characteristic of narcissism, as individuals with this personality type often seek to maintain power and control in their relationships. This need for control can manifest as manipulation, gaslighting, or isolation tactics, creating a web of control that can be difficult to break free from. By learning to recognize the signs of narcissistic control and implementing strategies to assert your autonomy, you can reclaim your power and well-being.

Signs of Narcissistic Control:

• Constant criticism or belittling of your thoughts, feelings, or actions
• Isolating you from friends, family, or other support systems
• Manipulating situations to make you doubt your own perception or memory (gaslighting)
• Making decisions for you without considering your preferences or needs
• Using guilt, shame, or fear to coerce you into complying with their wishes

Strategies for Breaking Free:

• Recognize and trust your instincts when something feels wrong or manipulative.
• Set clear boundaries and communicate your needs assertively. Don’t allow them to make you feel overly loyal to them. You’re an adult with your own autonomy and agency. Don’t let them capitalise your time if you’re in a relationship with them. Continue your hobbies, see your friends and have time apart, so you remain rooted in your independence.

2. Arrogant and Obnoxious

Arrogance and obnoxiousness are common traits exhibited by individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. This inflated sense of self-importance often serves as a mask, shielding the narcissist from their deep-rooted insecurities. By recognizing the signs of narcissistic arrogance and understanding its roots, you can better manage your interactions with these challenging individuals and maintain a grounded perspective.

Signs of Narcissistic Arrogance:

• A constant need for admiration and validation
• Difficulty accepting criticism or acknowledging mistakes
• Excessive self-promotion or boasting
• A sense of entitlement, expecting special treatment or privileges
• Diminishing or dismissing the accomplishments of others
• A belief that rules don’t apply to them
• An unwavering conviction in their own superiority

Coping with Narcissistic Arrogance:

• Don’t engage in power struggles or debates aimed at deflating their ego, as this will likely escalate the situation.
• Establish and enforce boundaries, communicating your needs and limits firmly and consistently. Instead of vocalising your boundaries, uphold your boundaries by ending the conversation and ending interactions with a person.

3. Manipulative

Narcissists often use manipulation tactics like gaslighting or guilt-tripping to maintain control. It’s important to practice recognising when someone is using guilt-tripping as a tactic to control you and maintaining a firm grip on your reality.

An example of manipulative phrases:

“After everything I’ve done for you”. 

“I’ve done so much for you”.
“I do so much for you and you reject me”.

4. Entitlement

Another example of male narcissist traits are entitlement. A narcissist man will feel entitled to your body and will get angry when you’re tired during bed time and don’t want to conform to his demands. 

A narcissist man also feels entitled to you and will treat you like property. If you say you want personal space for a few hours, a day or a weekend, he will try and control you by saying things like “a woman who wants space says that because she wants to leave you”. 

5. Lacks accountability

Another example of male narcissist traits is their tendency to lack accountability. 

Narcissist men are emotionally immature and stuck in the past. They lack self-awareness about the effects their arrogance, manipulation, control and undermining behaviours impact others emotional well-being. 

They have many defence mechanisms to protect their ego from being bruised and one of these is a lack of accountability. 

Don’t try and change a narcissist. They are emotionally immature and stuck in the past, they can’t accept rejection or responsibility and prioritise their ego and image over other people’s emotional safety. Trying to get them to take accountability for their actions is a waste of energy. Surround yourself with emotionally mature people who are self-aware, growth minded and have other mindedness. 

6. Love bombing 

Narcissists will use love bombing to get you hooked in a relationship and will love bomb with attention, time and gifts to trap you into a controlling and manipulative relationship. 

Healthy relationships grow organically and naturally over time. Love bombing is a tactic they use to escalate the physical and emotional intimacy of a relationship and get you attached, before you have the time to stay logical and discerning about how emotionally safe and trustworthy they are. 

They will want to rush the milestones in a relationship, so they can make you dependent on them and they can have full control over you.

To counteract this, give yourself in very small doses when getting to know people. This allows you to stay rooted and maintain your independence and take your time in building a friendship with someone to see if you like them and trust them before escalating intimacy.

7. Low-self esteem

A narcissist will have extremely low self-esteem, which can make them a dangerous person to be around. 

It’s important to surround yourself with confident people who will be respectful towards you. 

Narcissists will often be arrogant to undermine your confidence and will gain self-esteem by tarnishing your self-esteem.

If someone isn’t confident in their own skin, there is a greater chance that they will be controlling, manipulative and will devalue you or discredit you in a community, which can make you vulnerable to emotional abuse, bullying and isolation.

Limit your interactions with people who have low self-esteem to protect your wellbeing. 

8. Disrespectful

Narcissists are often disrespectful but this can be hidden under the guise of joking, mocking and belittling. 

Although it may seem like nothing at face value, disrespect does tarnish someone’s emotional wellbeing and self-esteem. 

Remember that everyone has a right for respect and mocking, belittling and undermining someone isn’t ok. 

Limit your interactions with someone who is disrespectful, as they’re not a trustworthy or safe person.

9. Grandiosity

Grandiosity is a central characteristic of narcissistic men, often presenting as an exaggerated sense of self-importance and an unwavering belief in their own superiority. This inflated ego can manifest in various ways, from boasting about their achievements and capabilities to exaggerating their social status or influence. Narcissistic men may assume they are entitled to special treatment or privileges and view others as inferior or less deserving of recognition. 

This grandiose sense of self can create challenges in personal and professional relationships, as these men often struggle to acknowledge their limitations, accept criticism, or empathize with others’ experiences. Over time, this grandiosity can become exhausting and alienating for those around them, reinforcing the sense of isolation that often lies at the core of narcissistic personality disorder.

10. Interpersonally exploitative

Narcissists may exploit others for personal gain. Healthy people don’t use your emotional traumas or weaknesses against you to control you. 

When you share vulnerable information with a narcissist, or they find your vulnerabilities, they will exploit your triggers to control you and keep you trapped in a relationship based on manipulation, guilt, indebtedness and control.

To protect yourself from this, refrain from sharing emotional traumas with people until you have got to know their character and built trust. Some might say minimum 3 months, others might say 6 months. 

Keeping personal information to yourself is a way to emotionally safeguard yourself from emotional exploitation.

Another thing you can do is to be careful of the groups and communities you join. Often narcissist men will use community to further exacerbate their emotional abuse and control. If you have met this person in a toxic culture, where there is a lack of safeguarding and the head of the organisation is toxic, it’s likely others in the community will be as well. 

Practice vetting for safe communities that have a healthy culture (they are free of gossip and rumours), a safeguarding lead and safe guarding policy in place. 

11. Charming persona

A charming persona is another example of male narcissist traits to be mindful of.

This superficial charm often masks a deeper, more complex reality, with the narcissist’s true insecurities of self-hatred lurking beneath the surface. 

As time goes on, the cracks in their charming persona begin to show, revealing a far less attractive side such as narcissistic rage, control, possessiveness and intimidation tactics.

12. Attention seeking

Attention-seeking behavior is another example of male narcissist traits. This desire for constant validation and admiration stems from the narcissist’s deep-seated need to feel superior and important. 

By consistently seeking the spotlight, they aim to reinforce their grandiose self-image and gain external confirmation of their worth. This behavior can manifest as exaggerated achievements, frequent self-promotion, or even creating drama to keep the focus on themselves. Over time, this incessant attention-seeking can strain relationships and create challenges for those interacting with the narcissist.

13. Contemptuous 

Narcissists often exhibit a contemptuous attitude toward others. Say for example you reject a narcissist man, he will become contemptuous towards you. 

As a woman it’s important to know your rights. You have a right to decline a date, you have a right to stop intimacy and you have a right to change your mind. 

If a man has contempt and anger towards you for having boundaries and self-worth, they’re an unsafe person and this needs to be seen as a red flag.

Emotionally mature men can accept rejection and it’s a hallmark of healthy and equal relationships. When a man is contemptuous towards you for rejecting them, so much that they spread false rumours about you to minimise you, they are an emotionally exploitative person.

Instead of going to therapy to manage their own feelings of rejection like a responsible adult, instead he has to control people’s perceptions of him.

Start practicing noticing this emotion of contempt in others and it will protect you from emotional harm. 

14. Emotional volatility

Emotional volatility is a characteristic commonly associated with narcissistic individuals. This unpredictable emotional landscape can manifest as intense mood swings, sudden outbursts, or rapid shifts in emotional states, creating challenges for those interacting with the narcissist. 

By gaining insight into the nature of emotional volatility and adopting strategies to maintain balance, you can better navigate these turbulent emotional waters.

Understanding Narcissistic emotional volatility:

Emotional volatility in narcissistic individuals can stem from their difficulty in regulating emotions, low self-esteem, and a deep-seated need for control. This instability can lead to reactive, aggressive, or manipulative behaviors as the narcissist seeks to protect their fragile sense of self-worth.

Signs of Narcissistic Emotional Volatility:

• Sudden shifts in mood or emotional state, often without apparent reason
• Explosive or irrational reactions to perceived criticism or rejection (particularly if you decline physical intimacy, often they will be relentless and will be coercive)
• A tendency to become easily offended or enraged
• Periods of intense anger or irritation followed by periods of apparent calm

Coping Strategies:

To preserve your emotional well-being while interacting with a narcissist experiencing emotional volatility, consider the following strategies:

• Set firm boundaries and communicate your limits calmly and assertively.
• Avoid engaging in arguments or trying to reason with the narcissist during episodes of heightened emotionality.

Practice self-care and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to process your experiences and build resilience.

15. Projection

Narcissistic projection is a psychological defense mechanism commonly observed in individuals with narcissistic tendencies. This behavior entails attributing their own undesirable traits, insecurities, or shortcomings onto others as a means of avoiding self-reflection and preserving their grandiose self-image.

When a narcissist projects, they unconsciously cast their negative qualities onto the people around them, effectively turning the spotlight away from themselves and their potential flaws. As a result, those on the receiving end may feel unjustly criticized, misunderstood, or wrongly accused.

Recognising Narcissistic Projection:

Identifying instances of narcissistic projection can be challenging, but some signs to look for include:

• Frequently being accused of having traits or behaviors that the narcissist themselves exhibit
• Feeling confused, attacked, or misunderstood during interactions with the narcissist
• Experiencing a consistent pattern of blame and criticism that seems disproportionate or unfounded

Resisting Internalisation:

To protect your emotional well-being and maintain a strong sense of self, it’s crucial to resist internalizing the narcissist’s negative projections. Here are some strategies to help:

• Practice self-awareness and emotional resilience to build a stronger foundation of self-worth.
• Set boundaries and disengage from interactions when narcissistic projection becomes evident.
• Seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional to validate your experiences and provide guidance.

Summary of male narcissist traits

In conclusion, understanding the unique characteristics and behaviors associated with male narcissistic traits can provide valuable insight into the complexities of this personality type. By recognizing the signs of grandiosity, charm, emotional volatility, manipulation, and attention-seeking, we can better navigate our interactions with narcissistic men and protect our own well-being. However, it is essential to approach this topic with empathy and compassion, acknowledging the deep-rooted insecurities and vulnerabilities that often underlie these challenging behaviors. As we strive to create healthier relationships and foster greater emotional intelligence, exploring the world of male narcissism can offer valuable lessons in self-awareness, boundary-setting, and the importance of genuine connection.

If this resonates, you’re not alone. If you’re dealing with a narcissist and you’d like support, you can go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

Treatment for Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse, a form of emotional and psychological manipulation, is considered domestic abuse. 

Perpetrated by individuals with narcissistic traits or a narcissistic personality disorder, this form of abuse involves a wide range of tactics designed to control, exploit, and demean their victims.

While narcissistic abuse may not always leave physical scars, its impact on a victim’s mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being can be devastating and long-lasting. By undermining a person’s sense of reality, eroding their self-worth, and isolating them from support networks, narcissistic abusers can maintain power and control over their victims, often causing lasting trauma.

Recognising narcissistic abuse as a legitimate form of domestic abuse is essential in providing support and resources to those affected.

As we delve deeper into understanding narcissistic abuse, its impact, and the available treatment options, we hope to shed light on this insidious issue and empower survivors in their journey toward healing and recovery.

Recognising Narcissistic Abuse

Oftentimes, it’s not until someone has left the relationship when they realize that they experienced narcissism abuse. This is because narcissism abuse is insidious and the victim is isolated from their support network over a period of time. The might feel trapped in the relationship and feel like their boundaries are being crossed, without realizing that they’re experiencing narcissism abuse. 

At the beginning of the relationship the victim may think highly of the abuser and feel like they’re getting the love, care and support they’ve always wanted. They might even pick up that the abuser is controlling and think that they’re finally in a relationship that has security. Without realising that a controlling partner will give them anything but security, and that they will lose their sense of emotional safety, autonomy, independence and self-identity.

Later, they might learn through self-education on narcissistic abuse and domestic abuse that they were in the midst of the cycle of abuse where the abuser engaged in love bombing at the start of the relationship followed by the abusive incident, such as insulting the victim, shaming the victim and sexually coercing the victim.

This form of abuse is carried out by someone who has an excessive sense of entitlement and engages in interpersonal exploitation to meet their own needs at the expense of others autonomy.

Here’s some common signs of narcissistic abuse:

Crossing boundaries

One common characteristic of narcissistic abuse is their tendency to disregard, challenge and cross the boundaries of others. This is often the earliest warning sign of an abusive relationship, that can be easier to spot in the future.

It’s common for a narcissist to test your boundaries, use guilt and shaming techniques to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do, such as sexual coercion. 

They can also cross your personal space, such as standing very close to you to intimidate you when you ask for personal space or follow you into another room, when you’ve said multiple times that you want space. 

It’s important to consider that you can’t educate a narcissist to respect your boundaries, you should never have to teach someone to respect your autonomy and personal space. 

Another way they cross boundaries is by monitoring you and stalking you, such as putting a mobile management tracking device on your phone that they’ve given you as a gift so they can track your whereabouts. They may also offer their work laptop for you to work on so they can log into your Google account and monitor your search history without your consent. 

They may also stalk you during the relationship. When you go to see a friend, they might drive you to your friend’s house and ask for their address to monitor your whereabouts and who you’re socializing with.

Emotional exploitation

Narcissistic abusers frequently take advantage of their victim’s emotional vulnerabilities to strengthen their grip on the relationship. They may draw upon personal, intimate knowledge or confidential information shared in moments of trust, wielding it as a weapon to manipulate, inflict emotional pain, or exert further control.

By exploiting these vulnerabilities, the abuser deepens the victim’s sense of dependency, eroding their resilience and making it increasingly difficult to resist the narcissist’s influence. Recognizing this insidious tactic can be an essential step in breaking free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

Creating an atmosphere of constant uncertainty

The hallmark of narcissism abuse is the creation of an unstable, unpredictable environment for the victim. The abuser’s erratic behavior, sudden mood shifts, and inconsistent treatment leave their victim feeling perpetually on edge and uncertain. 

This creates a state of heightened anxiety, making it challenging for the victim to anticipate and respond effectively to the manipulations and control tactics employed by the abuser. Narcissists rely on this sense of disorientation and vulnerability to exert dominance, further perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

A prime example of this is dangerous driving. The abuser may intentionally drive dangerously, like tailgating, weaving in and out of traffic, or excessively speeding, to intimidate the victim and make them feel unsafe.

By cultivating an environment of fear, they capitalise on the victim’s feelings of vulnerability and helplessness, effectively perpetuating the cycle of abuse. This manipulation strategy allows narcissists to assert dominance and control, ensuring the victim remains trapped within the toxic dynamic.

Another example may be standing uncomfortably close to someone to assert dominance and control. By invading their victim’s personal space, the abuser aims to create a sense of discomfort, anxiety, and vulnerability. This tactic serves to intimidate the victim and emphasize the power imbalance within the relationship.

Control and coercion

A prominent characteristic of narcissistic abuse is the abuser’s use of control and coercion to dominate their victim’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This might involve employing threats, both explicit and implicit, to intimidate the victim into compliance. The narcissist may also leverage their power in the relationship to manipulate their victim’s actions and decisions, leaving the victim feeling trapped and powerless.

Isolation

Isolation is a common strategy employed by narcissists to maintain power and control over their victims. By separating their victim from friends, family, and support networks, the abuser cultivates an environment of dependency and vulnerability. 

This isolation can be achieved through various means, such as discouraging the victim from spending time with loved ones, moving to a new location, or creating a rift between the victim and their support system.

As the victim becomes increasingly isolated, they may find themselves relying more heavily on the abuser for emotional support and validation. This heightened dependency makes it more challenging for the victim to escape the abusive dynamic, as they may feel they have nowhere else to turn.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a subtle yet potent form of psychological manipulation commonly employed by narcissists to gain control over their victims. By distorting reality and casting doubt on the victim’s perception, memory, and sanity, the abuser aims to erode their target’s self-trust and self-esteem. This manipulation often involves denying or twisting events, questioning the victim’s recollection, or accusing them of being overly sensitive or delusional.

As the victim’s sense of reality becomes increasingly shaky, they may become more reliant on the abuser for validation and clarity, ultimately deepening the power imbalance within the relationship. Recognizing the signs of gaslighting is crucial for identifying narcissistic abuse, as victims typically require support to regain confidence in their own judgment and rebuild their sense of self-worth.

An example of this might be the abuser saying “everyone calls you crazy” to isolate the victim and make them doubt themselves.

Manipulation

Manipulation lies at the heart of narcissistic abuse, serving as a means to control, exploit, and dominate the victim. By employing various tactics, such as love-bombing, guilt-tripping, or playing the victim, the abuser aims to erode their target’s sense of self, confidence, and independence.

The insidious nature of manipulation often makes it challenging for victims to recognize and confront the abuse, as abusers can skillfully disguise their actions as caring, concerned, or well-intentioned. 

Over time, the victim may become entangled in a web of control, making it increasingly difficult to break free from the abuser’s influence. Identifying manipulative behaviors and understanding their impact is essential in recognizing narcissistic abuse and seeking appropriate support for recovery.

Emotional blackmail is a manipulation tactic commonly employed by narcissists and other abusers, often involving the use of fear, guilt, or sympathy to control and exploit the victim. 

By eliciting strong emotional reactions, the abuser aims to coerce their target into acting or behaving in a way that serves the abuser’s interests.

For example, they might say their ex cheated on them, when in fact, they were controlling in the relationship. The abuser may be trying to evoke feelings of sympathy and pity, while simultaneously painting themselves as the victim. This manipulation can serve multiple purposes, such as:

• Gaining the upper hand in the current relationship by eliciting empathy and support from the victim

• Reinforcing the notion that they are the one who has been wronged, which can be used to justify their own controlling or abusive behaviors

• Deflecting attention from their own misconduct or mistreatment of their ex


Using emotional blackmail in this way can be highly effective in manipulating the victim’s perception and emotions, making it crucial to recognize and understand this tactic to safeguard oneself from narcissistic abuse.

Invalidation

Invalidation is a common tactic employed by narcissists to undermine their victim’s self-worth, confidence, and emotional well-being. This form of psychological manipulation involves dismissing, denying, or minimizing the victim’s thoughts, feelings, or experiences, causing them to question their own reality and emotional reactions.

Some common invalidation techniques used by narcissists include:

• Dismissing the victim’s feelings: “You’re overreacting,” or “It’s not a big deal.”
• Belittling their thoughts or opinions: “That’s ridiculous,” or “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
• Gaslighting: “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things.”
• Deflecting blame: “You’re too sensitive,” or “It’s your fault for making me act this way.”

Over time, these repeated instances of invalidation can lead the victim to doubt their own emotions, perceptions, and self-worth. This weakening of self-trust makes it easier for the abuser to exert control and further manipulate their target.

Treatment for Narcissistic Abuse

Treatment for Narcissistic Abuse is a complex process that often requires a combination of therapy, self-care and support groups on domestic abuse. The following approaches can aid in healing and rebuilding one’s sense of self-worth and autonomy:

1. Work with someone who specialises in treatment for narcissistic abuse 

Often, victims of narcissism abuse are invalidated and retraumatised by law enforcement, ill-informed therapists, family members and friends who invalidate their perceptions of abuse. 

This is also apparent if victims have grown up with narcissistic parents who frequently gaslighted them and invalidated them, after abusing them.

Oftentimes, people who are vulnerable to narcissistic abuse are people who haven’t had a place to go to refuge and are ostracised from their family.

When the victim is isolated from their parents, their parents may turn a blind eye to their isolation, particularly if they haven’t been a secure support system due to their narcissistic tendencies.

Because of this, they might dismiss, minimize and invalidate their experience because they feel guilt and shame for not being supportive parents.

Often victims fear that no one will understand them and will carry shame that it’s their fault, particularly if they grew up with narcissistic parents who were emotionally abusive or parents who were emotionally immature making them susceptible and vulnerable to further invalidation. 

In the aftermath of abuse, victims will doubt their self-perception and struggle to trust their experiences. It isn’t until working with someone who is domestic-abuse informed and narcissistic-abuse informed that their experiences will be validated and they will trust themselves again. 

When they fear that no one will understand or believe them, instead of reaching out for help, they will withdraw from others. The abuser has instilled so much fear in them, they can struggle to trust others.

2. Trauma therapy 

Working with a therapist experienced in treating narcissistic abuse can provide victims valuable support and guidance. 

An important hallmark of trauma-informed therapy is non-pathologising and non victim-blaming care. 

One particular approach that is effective for treating narcissistic abuse is internal family systems therapy. Internal family systems therapy is a compassionate approach to healing emotional distress and trauma.

Its focus is understanding and healing the various “parts” or sub-personalities within an individual that have become fragmented due to ongoing abuse.

In the context of narcissistic abuse, IFS therapy can help survivors identify and address the internal conflicts and emotional wounds that may have developed due to the abuse.

It’s important to note that every case of narcissistic abuse should be considered unique and complex and should be treated as such. However, these are some examples:

Example 1

One example of this may be that when someone has experienced narcissistic abuse, the abuser may have exploited someone’s fears or vulnerabilities to control them. An example of this may be shaming them for not complying to them and coercing them. 

The abuser may gaslight the victim and place the blame on the victim to avoid accountability for their abuse, leading to the victim doubting themselves.

If the victim also has a history of trauma and the abuser exploits this to control them, the victim may be carrying a shame wound that the abuser is exploiting to control them.

As a result, the victim may have a self doubt part that doubts their experiences. A shame part that carries emotional experiences of shame from the past narcissistic relationships and the current relationship. 

The aftermath of narcissistic abuse is challenging, because the victim may feel anxious in social situations where they have an underlying fear of being objectified and shamed.

If we are to look at this through an IFS lens, we can identify the different parts in the system that are in conflict:

• Shame part “it’s my fault I don’t want to be intimate, it’s my trauma”.
• Empathy part “he was cheated on, so that’s why he’s the way he is as he was betrayed”.
• Lost child part “I won’t find this security elsewhere”.

Example 2

The hallmark of narcissistic abuse is isolation. When the victim experiences isolation in the relationship, they will develop a fear of the outside world and feeling lonely. 

It’s likely they’ve lost their independence, self-identity and self-worth, so they might experience cognitive dissonance in the relationship due to internal conflict in the system.

For example, they might have a rational part saying that they feel trapped and something doesn’t feel right.

But because of their fear of loneliness and uncertainty of the world, they will have parts that try to soothe the system.

They might have a part that says “I won’t be lonely if I stay in this relationship and I have company”. 

They might also have a part that fears the abuser finding out that they’re realizing that they want to leave and fears the consequences, so to create cognitive coherence, they have denying parts and minimizing parts that say “well they’re caring” without realizing that it isn’t care, it’s possessiveness and control.

If we are to look at this through an IFS lens, we can identify the different parts in the system that are in conflict:

• Rational part “I feel trapped, this doesn’t feel right”.
• Shame part “it’s my fault because I have a history of trauma” and “something is wrong with me”.
• Justifying part “they’re really caring”.
• Fear part “I fear them knowing that I know”.
• Denial part “I’m just going to not think about it”.
• Lonely part “I fear I’ll be lonely”. 

By exploring and understanding the roles that different parts play in their internal system, survivors can gain a deeper understanding of their emotional experiences, the self doubt and confusion they have as a result of the abuse and the deeper underlying emotions that contribute to their cognitive dissonance. 

It’s important that this is approached with the utmost compassion and understanding in the system. This helps the client to understand the positive intent of their parts to keep themselves safe. 

Example 3

Another example may be that as the victim tries to gain more independence and set boundaries, the abuser will begin to stalk, monitor and control the victim.

This can lead to the victim feeling fear that their abuser is stalking them and they become hyper-vigilant and on edge. They might also feel guilty for catching up with a friend they haven’t seen for a year because of the isolation. 

If we are to look at this through an IFS lens, we can identify the different parts in the system:

• Hyper-vigilant part “I fear he is following me”.
• Guilty part “I feel guilty for seeing a friend”. 
• Justifying part “they’re really caring”.
• Fear part “I fear the consequence of leaving them”.

Treatment for Narcissistic Abuse (An IFS Approach)

Treatment for narcissistic abuse using IFS would help the victim to heal their emotional distress by connecting to their inner world of parts with curiosity and compassion. 

1. Identify and understand the different parts: Victims of narcissistic abuse often develop specific parts to cope with the abuse, such as a compliant part or a protective part. IFS therapy helps clients recognize and acknowledge these parts.


2. Build trust and communication among parts: IFS aims to establish a more balanced and harmonious internal system by promoting understanding and cooperation among different parts.


3. Heal wounded parts: By identifying and addressing the emotional wounds inflicted by narcissistic abuse such as fear, shame and helplessness, clients can begin to heal and release the pain and negative beliefs associated with those experiences.


4. Develop healthy coping strategies: Through the IFS process, clients can develop more effective ways to attend to their parts with compassion. For example, instead of saying “I’m dissociated” they can learn to say “a part of me is dissociated” and they can practice validating their feelings and providing comfort and support.

2. Joining local support groups

Survivors can contact local charities that provide education on domestic abuse and recovery from domestic abuse, such as The Freedom Program. 

This is a fantastic group course where survivors can connect with other survivors, share their experiences, learn the mindset of an abuser, the different archetypes of an abuser, red flags of abuse, the power control wheel and the cycle of abuse. 

This helps them to become discerning with people, assess whether people are emotionally safe and learn to empower themselves to build their independence and autonomy. 

Joining a local support group can help survivors feel less isolated and provide them with a safe space to discuss their feelings and concerns.

If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

12 Traits of a Narcissist: Common Narcissist Traits and How to Deal with Them 

Narcissism is a complex personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Understanding the traits of a narcissist can help you identify these behaviors and patterns in your relationships, both personal and professional.

How to identify a narcissist 

Narcissism can be defined as an excessive focus on oneself, often leading to the disregard for the needs and feelings of others. While it’s normal for individuals to exhibit occasional narcissistic behavior, true narcissists consistently overlook the impact of their actions on those around them.

It’s crucial to recognize that narcissism is a trait that exists on a spectrum. Narcissistic behaviors can range from mild to severe, with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) representing the extreme end of the spectrum. 

Not everyone displaying narcissistic traits necessarily has NPD, as their behaviors may be less pervasive and disruptive than those diagnosed with the disorder.

Understanding narcissism as a spectrum allows us to acknowledge that people may exhibit varying degrees of self-involvement and empathy, enabling more nuanced conversations about mental health and interpersonal relationships. Recognising the distinctions between narcissistic traits and NPD can also help individuals seek appropriate support and resources for their specific needs and challenges.

The 12 traits of a narcissist 

Narcissism, both as a trait and in the context of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), encompasses various characteristics. 

Here are 12 common traits observed in individuals displaying narcissistic tendencies:

• Exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Expectation of praise, even for minimal effort or no effort at all
• Preoccupation with success, power, or money, and an intense desire for greatness
• Craving power and control
• Only seeking the company of high-status or high-achieving individuals
• Requiring constant attention and admiration from others
• Entitled behavior, expecting special treatment and holding high expectations for others
• Exploiting others for personal gain
• Lack of empathy and inability to understand others’ emotions or experiences
• Envy of others or the belief that others envy them
• Arrogance and haughty attitudes or behaviors
• Inability to maintain healthy and balanced relationships

Identifying and understanding these traits can provide valuable insight into the behaviors and interpersonal dynamics associated with narcissism. Recognizing these patterns can help individuals navigate relationships and seek appropriate support when needed.

Let’s break down the 12 Traits of a Narcissist 

Exaggerated sense of self-importance

One of the most prominent characteristics of narcissism is an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Individuals displaying this trait often hold an inflated view of their abilities, accomplishments, and overall self-worth. They may believe they are exceptional or unique, and as a result, expect others to recognize and cater to their perceived superiority. 

This grandiose sense of self-importance can lead narcissists to pursue positions of power, influence, or status, while dismissing the value and contributions of those around them. In essence, the exaggerated sense of self-importance serves as a protective shield, masking underlying insecurities and vulnerabilities that may fuel their need for constant validation and admiration.

Expectation of praise, even for minimal effort or no effort at all

Narcissistic individuals often possess an insatiable desire for praise and admiration, even when their actions or achievements do not merit such acclaim. This expectation of constant validation, regardless of effort exerted, stems from their grandiose self-image and their belief in their inherent superiority. They may expect to be lauded for merely showing up or participating, without demonstrating exceptional performance or results. 

The incessant need for praise reinforces their self-importance and perpetuates the cycle of seeking external validation. Consequently, they may struggle to accept criticism, setbacks, or failures, as these challenge their fragile self-image and perceived omnipotence. The expectation of unwarranted praise is a defining feature of narcissism, reflecting an unhealthy dependence on external acknowledgment and approval.

Preoccupation with success, power, or money, and an intense desire for greatness

Individuals with narcissistic tendencies often exhibit a preoccupation with success, power, and financial gain. They view these external markers as indicators of their worth and superiority, becoming relentless in their pursuit of such accomplishments. This fixation can stem from a deep-seated need for control, recognition, and admiration. As they equate success with personal value, narcissists may go to great lengths to achieve their goals, sometimes resorting to manipulation or exploitation. Their single-minded focus on power and financial gain can overshadow other aspects of their lives, potentially damaging relationships and hindering personal growth. Ultimately, the preoccupation with success, power, and money serves as a means to fuel their grandiose self-image and assert dominance in the eyes of others.

Craving power and control

A fundamental aspect of narcissism is the craving for power and control, which stems from the desire to maintain an inflated sense of self-importance. Narcissistic individuals thrive on the ability to influence and dominate others, often perceiving relationships as a means to exert their authority. This intense desire for control can manifest in various aspects of their lives, including personal relationships, professional pursuits, and social interactions. By exerting power over others, narcissists reinforce their grandiose self-image and satisfy their need for superiority. However, this relentless pursuit of control can lead to strained relationships, conflict, and a lack of genuine emotional connections. Ultimately, the craving for power and control serves as a protective mechanism for the fragile ego of the narcissist, fueling a cycle of manipulation and dominance.

Only seeking the company of high-status or high-achieving individuals

Narcissistic individuals often gravitate toward high-status or high-achieving individuals, seeking validation and reinforcement of their own grandiose self-image. They tend to view these individuals as a reflection of their own accomplishments, status, or success, and as a result, strive to surround themselves with individuals they perceive as “elite” or “special”. 

This tendency can stem from a deep-seated insecurity or fear of being seen as less than, motivating them to seek validation through association with those they perceive as “better” or more accomplished. However, this preoccupation with status and achievement can lead to superficial relationships, as the narcissist prioritizes external markers of success over genuine emotional connections. 

Moreover, the constant need for validation and affirmation can result in a sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction, as the narcissist overlooks the value and potential of others who may not fit their narrow criteria for acceptance.

Requiring constant attention and admiration from others

Individuals with narcissistic tendencies often require constant attention and admiration from others as a means to maintain their inflated sense of self-importance and fragile ego. They seek validation through external recognition and praise, relying on the admiration of others to bolster their sense of self-worth. 

This constant need for admiration can manifest in various ways, such as constantly seeking compliments, exaggerating their accomplishments, or demanding praise for even the smallest tasks. Narcissists may also resort to manipulative tactics, such as guilt-tripping or flattery, to extract admiration from others. Despite their outwardly confident demeanor, the narcissist’s insatiable desire for attention stems from deep-seated insecurities and a fear of being forgotten or overlooked. 

However, their relentless pursuit of admiration can often lead to strained relationships, as others may grow weary of the narcissist’s constant demands for validation. Ultimately, the narcissist’s dependence on external affirmation reflects a fundamental disconnection from their authentic self and a lack of internal validation.

Entitled behavior, expecting special treatment and holding high expectations for others

Narcissistic individuals often exhibit a sense of entitlement, expecting special treatment and holding unrealistic expectations for others. They may feel that they deserve to be given preferential treatment, and that others should automatically cater to their desires or needs. 

This entitled attitude can manifest in various ways, such as believing they should be granted special privileges or exceptions to rules, or expecting others to prioritize their wants and needs above all else. 

The narcissist’s inflated sense of self-importance leads them to believe that their desires take precedence over those of others, resulting in an unrealistic and often unfair view of how they should be treated. They may become frustrated or upset when their expectations are not met, often perceiving it as a personal slight or rejection. However, this entitlement can lead to resentment, frustration, and strained relationships, as others may feel burdened or manipulated by the narcissist’s unrealistic demands. Ultimately, the narcissist’s sense of entitlement reflects a fundamental lack of empathy and inability to acknowledge the needs and perspectives of others.

Exploiting others for personal gain

Narcissistic individuals may engage in exploitation of others for personal gain, driven by a need to satisfy their desires or advance their own interests at any cost. They may view relationships and interactions as transactional, using others to achieve their goals without considering the impact on those they exploit. This behavior can manifest in various ways, such as taking credit for others’ work, manipulating or deceiving others for personal gain, or utilizing relationships solely for their own benefit. 

Narcissists may also become envious of others’ success or resources and seek to exploit them to achieve their own goals. The narcissist’s intense focus on their own desires and advancement can lead to a disregard for the well-being or needs of others. 

This lack of empathy and willingness to prioritize their own interests above all else can damage relationships, damage reputations, and potentially lead to negative consequences. Ultimately, the narcissist’s exploitative behavior reflects a self-centered and short-sighted mindset that prioritizes personal gain over genuine connections and integrity.

Lack of empathy and inability to understand others’ emotions or experiences

One of the hallmark characteristics of narcissism is a significant lack of empathy, which hinders the ability to understand or connect with others’ emotions and experiences. 

Narcissistic individuals often struggle to comprehend or acknowledge the feelings and perspectives of others, viewing the world primarily through their own lens. This self-centered outlook can result in a tendency to dismiss, minimize, or invalidate others’ emotions, as the narcissist prioritizes their own experiences and desires above all else. 

The inability to empathize with others can lead to a superficial and exploitative approach to relationships, as the narcissist may view others as a means to fulfill their own needs rather than as individuals with their own emotions and experiences. Moreover, this lack of empathy can result in a sense of isolation and disconnection from others, as the narcissist struggles to form genuine, meaningful relationships based on mutual understanding and emotional connection. Ultimately, the narcissist’s inability to understand or connect with others’ emotions reflects a significant deficit in emotional intelligence and a profound disconnection from the shared human experience.

Envy of others or the belief that others envy them

Narcissistic individuals may experience intense feelings of envy toward others, or believe that others are envious of them, as a way to reinforce their grandiose self-image. This envious mindset stems from the narcissist’s deep-seated need for validation and a sense of superiority over others. The belief that others are envious of them may provide a sense of gratification or a confirmation of their perceived specialness, bolstering their sense of self-worth. 

Alternatively, when the narcissist encounters individuals they perceive as more successful, attractive, or talented, they may experience feelings of envy and resentment. The narcissist may engage in behaviors such as discrediting or belittling others, or attempting to minimize their accomplishments in an attempt to quell their own feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. 

However, the narcissist’s preoccupation with comparing themselves to others and seeking external validation can be detrimental to their overall well-being and relationships. It is crucial for individuals to recognize their own strengths and focus on personal growth, rather than relying on external comparisons and validation to define their self-worth.

Arrogance and haughty attitudes or behaviors

Narcissism often manifests in arrogant and haughty behaviors, which can result in the formation of negative perceptions of individuals with these traits. Arrogance is characterized by a sense of superiority and entitlement, which can lead to disrespectful and dismissive interactions with others. 

Narcissistic individuals may have an inflated sense of self-importance, a tendency to exaggerate their accomplishments or abilities, and a belief that they are exceptional and more deserving than others. They may also engage in condescending or patronizing behaviors, such as belittling or criticizing others, or making sarcastic or snide remarks to highlight their own perceived superiority. 

These behaviors can create an air of superiority that can be off-putting and damaging to relationships, as arrogance is often perceived as a form of disrespect and a lack of consideration for others. Additionally, narcissistic individuals who demonstrate arrogant and haughty behaviors may struggle to receive feedback or constructive criticism, as their inflated sense of self can prevent them from recognizing their flaws and areas for improvement.

Inability to maintain healthy and balanced relationships

Maintaining healthy and balanced relationships can be challenging for individuals with narcissistic tendencies due to their self-centered and entitled behavior. The inability to empathize, prioritize others’ needs, and maintain authentic connections can result in strained or dysfunctional relationships, leaving the narcissist feeling isolated or misunderstood. The inability to foster mutually fulfilling relationships can stem from a lack of reciprocity, as narcissistic individuals may prioritize their own needs, manipulate or exploit others, or disregard their emotional impact. 

They may struggle to create balanced dynamics in their interactions, as their desire for admiration and validation can override their ability to be genuine and compassionate towards others. Narcissistic individuals may also experience difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships due to their tendency to focus on external validation and comparisons, rather than forming meaningful emotional connections. 

Additionally, narcissistic individuals may struggle to acknowledge their role in relationship challenges, placing blame on others or external factors rather than taking responsibility for their actions. Overcoming these difficulties requires a willingness to recognize and address narcissistic tendencies, prioritize empathy and reciprocity, and develop authentic and balanced relationships grounded in mutual respect and genuine connection.

You can read my other articles on narcissism here

How to Deal With a Narcissist

Treatment for Narcissist Abuse

Next steps

If you’re interested in treatment for narcissistic abuse through internal family systems therapy,
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