How to Self Soothe Anxious Attachment
As someone who has personally grappled with anxious attachment, I understand the daily challenges that come with it—the deep fear of abandonment, the need for reassurance, and the relentless overthinking. Learning how to self soothe anxious attachment is helpful in regulating feelings of attachment anxiety.
The journey to overcome these insecurities can often feel overwhelming and isolating. However, learning how to self soothe anxious attachment can be a game-changer, as it can significantly reduce anxiety, cultivate inner security, and foster healthier relationships.
Throughout my experiences, I’ve discovered that self-soothing is a vital skill that has helped me navigate the complexities of my attachment style and relationships. By understanding the root of my insecurities and actively addressing them, I’ve been able to alleviate my fears and approach relationships with greater confidence and resilience.
My connection with John was a good example of this. John and I crossed paths an initially I was drawn to his playfulness, intuitive nature and sense of humour.
In the early days there were red flags of unavailability that made me pull back my energy and focus on myself. But he then decided to reach out and the hopes I had for a potential relationship re-emerged.
But then during a period of uncertainty and anxiety in my life, a sense of uncertainty, anxiety, and unrest began to brew within me. The discomfort was palpable, urging me to confront the situation head-on. It was at this point I felt as thought my anxious attachment was at 100.
With trembling courage, I shared my concerns with John and I asked about his intentions with me.
He confessed that while he liked me and wanted to continue getting to know me, he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. This revelation served as a glaring confirmation of his emotional unavailability…something that I was struggling to accept.
Despite this, I realised I couldn’t continue the dynamic as it was anymore without knowing his intentions and I explained that if he couldn’t offer consistency or a clear plan for us then I didn’t want to talk anymore. As the words left my mouth, I felt a surge of vulnerability and strength.
In the aftermath of our conversation, childhood memories of abandonment resurfaced, leaving me questioning my self-worth and the possibility of ever experiencing a healthy, loving relationship. The heavy feeling on my chest brought me back to how I felt as a little girl – isolated and as though the pain of abandonment would never end.
Yet, amid the storm of emotions, a voice of wisdom emerged from within, encouraging me to let go and release myself from this relationship. It was a transformative moment, as I realized that walking away from this relationship would bring me peace of mind.
A higher voice inside of me said to me that I needed to let this go and that 2 weeks from now I wouldn’t be ruminating or feeling anxious or sad about it.
I was then forced to face my feelings and sit with it…
It was in that moment of stillness that the true journey of self-soothing began. As I sat with my emotions, allowing myself to fully experience the pain and vulnerability, I realized that I had been neglecting a crucial aspect of my healing process: self-compassion.
Rather than berating myself for feeling anxious or questioning my worth, I chose to treat myself with the kindness and understanding I would offer to a close friend. This shift in perspective has allowed me to embrace the fact that my feelings are valid and that it was okay to feel hurt and uncertain. In fact, it’s a valid response to feel anxious and certain when someone is inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, less invested and has unclear intentions for the relationship. It was also valid for me to feel heightened anxiety and uncertainty during an uncertain period in my life.
As I nurtured this newfound sense of self-compassion, the anxiety and sadness gradually began to dissipate. The voice of wisdom that encouraged me to let go grew stronger, and I started to trust in my ability to create a brighter, more fulfilling future for myself.
Over the next two weeks, I dedicated myself to implementing healthy coping strategies and prioritising my emotional well-being. I practiced mindfulness and meditation to calm my racing thoughts, engaged in self-care activities to nourish my spirit, and reminded myself of my inherent worth.
With each passing day, the grip of the past loosened, and the voice that predicted I wouldn’t be ruminating or feeling anxious proved to be right. By choosing to face my emotions and prioritise self-soothing, I proved to myself my inner resilience, strengthened discernment, assertiveness and self-worth.
Oftentimes, our self worth is reinforced by our actions and this step of self-preservation and self-advocacy communicates to the universe that I deserve a secure, stable and fulfilling relationship and I won’t tolerate inconsistency and a lack of transparency.
I felt like I had past a universal lesson that I have self-respect and I am growing that confident, self-assured side to myself.
Today, I continue to integrate practices that help me in how to self soothe anxious attachment and I continue to add new tools to my toolkit, so that I move towards secure attachment and eventually create a healthier relationship with someone who is aligned with my emotional needs and values.
So with that, let me share what I’ve learned so far on how to self soothe anxious attachment.
1. Understand your anxious attachment patterns
Recognising and understanding your attachment patterns is a crucial first step towards learning how to self soothe anxious attachment. By gaining insight into your unique attachment style, you can better identify the triggers that provoke feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or fear. This self-awareness allows you to anticipate and address emotional reactions before they escalate, fostering a greater sense of control and stability in your relationships. As you develop a deeper comprehension of your attachment patterns, you can tailor self-soothing strategies to effectively manage the challenges that arise from your specific style.
Moreover, understanding your attachment patterns enables you to adopt a more compassionate and non-judgmental perspective towards your emotional experiences. Recognizing that your reactions are influenced by deeply ingrained attachment styles can alleviate self-blame or feelings of inadequacy.
This self-compassion can, in itself, serve as a powerful self-soothing tool, promoting emotional healing and growth. By acknowledging your attachment style and embracing its inherent challenges, you can begin the transformative journey of building healthier relationships and cultivating a more secure attachment.
2. Become aware of your triggers
Being aware of your triggers is a vital component in learning how to self soothe anxious attachment. A trigger is an event, situation, or interaction that elicits a strong emotional response, often related to feelings of insecurity, fear, or anxiety. By identifying these triggers, you can develop strategies to better manage your reactions and maintain a sense of emotional balance.
To become more aware of your triggers, pay close attention to the patterns and themes that seem to consistently evoke negative emotions or reactions. For instance, you might notice that when a loved one takes longer than usual to respond to your messages, it triggers feelings of abandonment or rejection.
By recognizing this trigger, you can then proactively implement self-soothing techniques, such as practicing mindfulness, challenging negative thoughts, or engaging in self-care activities, to help mitigate the intensity of your emotional response. With increased awareness of your triggers, you can gradually build emotional resilience and foster a greater sense of security within your relationships.
3. Know your deal breakers
Knowing your deal breakers is an essential aspect of learning how to self soothe anxious attachment, as it helps you establish boundaries and protect your emotional well-being. Deal breakers are qualities, behaviors, or situations that you simply cannot tolerate in a relationship. Identifying these non-negotiables enables you to make informed decisions and avoid potential heartache down the line.
In my case one of my deal breakers is a lack of inconsistency and clear intentions. To identify your deal breakers, reflect on past relationships and the specific issues or behaviors that led to their demise. Consider your core values, emotional needs, and long-term goals, and determine which factors could potentially compromise these essential aspects of your life. For example, if open communication is crucial for your emotional security, a partner who consistently avoids discussing their feelings or shuts down during conflict may be a deal breaker for you.
Once you have a clear understanding of your deal breakers, it’s important to communicate them early on in a relationship. Doing so not only sets the foundation for open and honest communication but also helps you establish boundaries that safeguard your emotional well-being. By being firm in your convictions and standing up for your needs, you can cultivate a sense of security and confidence, ultimately empowering yourself to build healthier, more fulfilling connections.
4. Learn somatic exercises
When it comes to learning how to self soothe anxious attachment, incorporating somatic exercises into your daily routine can be incredibly beneficial. By focusing on calming the nervous system, these exercises help to alleviate the physical symptoms of anxiety that often accompany anxious attachment triggers. Engaging in activities like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, yoga, or walking in nature can promote relaxation and release physical tension, signaling to your nervous system that you are safe and secure.
Consistent practice of somatic exercises not only helps to manage anxiety in the moment but also contributes to long-term emotional well-being and resilience. By developing the skills to soothe yourself during emotionally challenging situations, you can begin to rewire your nervous system to respond more calmly and confidently, ultimately fostering a more secure attachment style.
5. Practice self-validation
A crucial aspect of learning how to self soothe anxious attachment is the practice of self-validation of feelings. Self-validation involves acknowledging and accepting your emotions without judgment, providing yourself with the emotional support and understanding you may seek from others. This internal recognition helps reduce the need for external reassurance, promoting a greater sense of emotional security and self-reliance.
To practice self-validation, start by recognizing your emotional experiences as natural and understandable responses to your environment. Rather than dismissing or minimizing your feelings, allow yourself to feel them fully and remind yourself that it is okay to experience a wide range of emotions. By creating a compassionate inner dialogue and providing yourself with the emotional support you need, you can begin to soothe anxious attachment and cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth and emotional resilience.
6. Have an evening routine
Developing an evening routine can be a powerful tool in learning how to self soothe anxious attachment. An evening routine helps to create a sense of structure and predictability, which can be particularly comforting for individuals with anxious attachment who may struggle with uncertainty and fear of abandonment. By incorporating calming and self-care activities into your nightly routine, you can promote relaxation, ease anxiety, and foster a greater sense of security.
An effective evening routine might include activities such as taking a warm bath or shower, practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation, journaling, or engaging in a calming hobby. It’s also essential to prioritize a healthy sleep schedule, as proper rest plays a critical role in emotional regulation and overall well-being. By establishing a consistent evening routine tailored to your unique needs and preferences, you can create a sanctuary of comfort and stability, ultimately contributing to reduced anxiety and a more secure attachment style.
7. Be willing to have tough conversations
Engaging in tough conversations is a crucial component of learning how to self soothe anxious attachment. While these discussions may feel daunting and emotionally challenging, they provide an opportunity for open and honest communication, which is essential for building trust and fostering a secure attachment style.
To navigate tough conversations more effectively, begin by identifying the specific issues or concerns that need to be addressed. Practice active listening and try to understand your partner’s perspective without becoming defensive or overly reactive. Use “I” statements to express your own feelings, needs, and boundaries, rather than assigning blame or making accusations.
Remember that it’s normal to feel uncomfortable during these conversations, but by staying focused on the goal of mutual understanding and growth, you can work towards a resolution that strengthens your relationship and promotes emotional well-being. By consistently engaging in honest and respectful dialogue, you can cultivate a more secure attachment style and reduce anxiety in your relationships.
8. Listen to your body wisdom
Listening to your body wisdom is an integral aspect of learning how to self soothe anxious attachment. Our bodies often provide valuable information about our emotional state, as physical sensations can serve as clues to underlying feelings or needs.
To tune into your body wisdom, practice mindfulness and pay attention to physical sensations that arise in response to different situations or emotions. For instance, you may notice that your chest feels tight or your stomach knots up when you’re experiencing anxiety or insecurity in your relationships. By acknowledging and attending to these physical cues, you can identify the emotional triggers behind them and respond accordingly.
Additionally, engaging in activities that promote physical well-being, such as exercise, proper nutrition, and adequate sleep, can also contribute to emotional health and resilience. By nurturing your body and listening to its messages, you can better understand your emotional landscape and develop more effective strategies for self-soothing anxious attachment.
9. Know that it’s ok to not be emotionally regulated all the time
It’s essential to remember that when it comes to learning how to self soothe anxious attachment, that it’s okay not to be emotionally regulated all the time.
Sometimes when your anxious attachment is triggered it’s your body’s way of communicating with you, sending you valuable signals that deserve your attention. Persistent emotional dysregulation can be a sign that a relationship may not be compatible with your attachment style or is not meeting your emotional needs.
By recognizing and accepting these signs of incompatibility, you can take steps to prioritize your well-being and seek connections that better align with your emotional needs and attachment style. This doesn’t mean that you’re weak or that something is inherently wrong with you; instead, it shows a deep level of self-awareness and a commitment to meeting your core emotional needs.
When experiencing emotional dysregulation, practice self-compassion and remind yourself that these feelings are temporary. Focus on grounding techniques to help bring you back to the present moment.
Therapy
For sustainable healing of anxious attachment, I recommend inner child therapy. This helps you to heal energies and fears from the past and strengthen your resilient, adult self. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.