How to Talk to Parts in IFS Therapy: A Gentle Guide to Getting to Know Yourself
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy provides a transformative framework for understanding and healing your inner world. Central to IFS is the idea that your mind is composed of multiple “parts,” each with its own thoughts, feelings, and intentions.
Learning how to talk to parts is a core skill in IFS, helping you develop self-awareness, resolve internal conflict, and cultivate compassion for yourself and your internal system.
Whether you are exploring your own inner world or guiding someone else, understanding how to talk to parts is essential. Done correctly, it allows you to access Self-energy—the calm, compassionate, and centered aspect of your consciousness—and foster trust, harmony, and healing within your system.
Why Learning How to Talk to Parts Matters
Your internal system includes exiled parts, which carry painful memories and emotions, and protector parts, which attempt to keep you safe. Protector parts can be managers, who control and plan to prevent vulnerability, or firefighters, who respond quickly to emotional overwhelm.
Knowing how to talk to parts allows you to:
Understand the intentions behind their behaviors
Build trust with protector parts so they feel safe
Access the emotions and needs of exiled parts
Promote internal harmony and self-compassion
Without dialogue, parts may remain misunderstood, resulting in internal conflict, emotional intensity, or maladaptive coping strategies. Learning how to talk to parts transforms them into allies rather than obstacles.
Start From Self
A crucial foundation for learning how to talk to parts is being in Self. Self is the calm, compassionate, curious, and centered core of your being. Approaching your parts from anxiety, shame, or defensiveness can trigger resistance, shutdown, or reactivity.
Being in Self means grounding yourself and cultivating patience and curiosity before initiating dialogue. You might:
- Take a few slow, deep breaths
- Notice and release tension in your body
- Set an intention such as: “I am here to understand and listen to my parts”
When you are in Self, your parts are more likely to respond positively, sharing their feelings, fears, and motivations without conflict.
Start With Protector Parts
Protector parts are the guardians of your internal system. Managers and firefighters have been keeping exiles safe, often using strategies that may feel controlling, critical, or impulsive.
When learning how to talk to parts, always start with protectors. For example:
- If a manager criticizes or urges control, you might say internally: “I see you are working to protect me. Can we talk?”
- If a firefighter urges distraction, try: “I understand you want to protect me from feeling pain. May I speak with the part underneath?”
Asking for permission shows respect and builds trust. Protector parts are more likely to cooperate when they feel heard and valued.
Use Curiosity and Compassion
Curiosity is the most powerful tool when learning how to talk to parts. Instead of judging or trying to fix a part, ask open-ended questions:
- “What are you feeling right now?”
- “What do you need from me?”
- “How long have you been carrying this?”
- “What are you trying to protect me from?”
Compassion is equally important. Many parts carry heavy burdens such as shame, fear, or grief. Showing kindness allows parts to relax, share their story, and eventually integrate their experiences into the internal system.
Pay Attention to the Body
Parts often express themselves through bodily sensations as well as thoughts or emotions. When you talk to parts, notice where sensations appear.
A tight chest, tension in the shoulders, or a fluttering stomach may indicate that a part is active or carrying a burden.
Acknowledging bodily sensations while talking to parts can help them feel seen: “I notice this tightness in my chest. Is this related to you?” This approach allows emotional and bodily energies to be safely expressed, promoting healing and integration.
Dialogue Techniques
There are several practical ways to practice how to talk to parts in IFS therapy:
- Internal Conversation – Silently or out loud, speak directly to a part: “I see you, and I want to understand your role.”
- Journaling – Write a letter to a part or have the part write back, describing its feelings, fears, or intentions.
- Visualizing – Imagine the part as an image, object, or person. Ask questions and observe its response.
- Body Awareness – Combine conversation with noticing where the part resides in your body and any associated sensations.
Consistency and patience are key. Some parts respond immediately, while others require repeated dialogue and reassurance before they open up.
Listening Without Fixing
When learning how to talk to parts, your role is not to fix, judge, or change them. The goal is to understand and build a relationship. Listening without attempting to control provides parts with the experience of being heard, which is often deeply healing.
Over time, this listening allows parts to relax, release burdens, and shift into healthier roles. Protector parts may become supportive allies rather than obstructive forces, and exiled parts may feel safe enough to express emotions and eventually unburden themselves.
Befriending Exiled Parts
Once protector parts trust you, you can gently engage exiles. Exiles carry extreme beliefs or painful emotions, often related to trauma, neglect, or abandonment. Learning how to talk to parts helps them feel safe and supported. Ask questions such as:
“What do you need from me?”
“How long have you been carrying this?”
“Would you like to let go of some of this pain?”
Dialogue with exiles should always be gentle, done from Self, and with permission from protectors. This ensures emotional and bodily energies can be safely released without triggering defensiveness or retraumatization.
The Role of Patience and Gentleness
Learning how to talk to parts requires patience. Some parts are reluctant, fearful, or mistrustful. Others may become activated, expressing anger, sadness, or panic. Maintaining a gentle, compassionate presence creates a safe space where parts feel valued and understood.
Rushing or approaching from a blended state can disrupt dialogue and create resistance. Gentle, consistent conversation fosters cooperation, emotional release, and integration, allowing your internal system to achieve greater harmony.
Practical Tips for How to Talk to Parts
- Always check in with Self before starting.
- Approach protector parts first and ask permission to engage exiles.
- Use curiosity and open-ended questions rather than judgment.
- Pay attention to bodily sensations associated with each part.
- Listen without trying to fix or change the part.
- Practice patience and gentleness; some parts take time to respond.
- Celebrate small shifts in energy, emotion, or perspective as signs of progress.
Final Thoughts
Learning how to talk to parts in IFS therapy is a skill that can transform your inner world. Approaching protector and exiled parts with curiosity, compassion, and respect allows you to cultivate trust, release burdens, and foster internal harmony. Dialogue allows your internal system to work together rather than against itself, promoting emotional flexibility, self-awareness, and self-compassion.
Remember, the goal is not to force change but to talk to parts in a way that honors their roles, validates their experiences, and allows them to relax. Over time, this gentle practice leads to profound healing, integration, and the emergence of Self-energy as the guiding presence in your internal system.
If this resonates, consider therapy to learn how to talk to parts and build a deeper connection with your inner system. Go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US, and Europe.