Understanding IFS and Shame: The Pathway to Relational Presence
Shame is one of the most common, yet often hidden, human experiences. It can feel heavy, isolating, and inescapable, whispering that we are not enough, that we are flawed, or that there is something inherently wrong with us. Unlike guilt, which focuses on behaviors, shame targets the self, making it a powerful and sometimes paralyzing emotion. Many of us carry shame from childhood experiences, relational wounds, or cultural messages, and it can quietly shape the way we think, act, and relate to others.
Fortunately, IFS and shame work together in a gentle, effective approach to understanding and healing these deep feelings. Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, IFS views the mind as naturally composed of different “parts,” each with its own emotions, thoughts, and roles. Instead of trying to suppress, ignore, or fix our emotions, IFS invites us to explore them with curiosity, compassion, and self-awareness. In the context of shame, this approach can be particularly transformative, because it allows us to see shame not as a personal failing, but as a part of ourselves trying to be heard and understood.
What Shame Looks Like in IFS
When exploring IFS and shame, shame is often carried by a specific part of the system, typically an Exile – a vulnerable, wounded part that holds pain, fear, or feelings of inadequacy. Protective parts, such as inner critics, perfectionists, or people-pleasers, often develop strategies to manage or hide this shame from consciousness, trying to prevent rejection, failure, or further pain. These protective parts are not “bad” or malicious; rather, they are trying to help in the only ways they know how.
For example, someone may lash out at others, withdraw socially, or overwork themselves to avoid feeling shame. Beneath these behaviors, however, lies a part that feels deeply unworthy. By understanding the roles of these parts through IFS and shame work, the shame can be approached with curiosity rather than judgment, creating space for healing and integration.
The Role of the Self in Healing Shame
One of the core concepts of IFS is the Self, the calm, compassionate centre of consciousness that exists within each person. The Self has qualities such as curiosity, calmness, compassion, and clarity, and it can observe and relate to parts without being overwhelmed by them. When shame arises, it often feels all-encompassing, but approaching it from the perspective of the Self allows for a new, more compassionate experience.
Rather than thinking, “I am shameful,” IFS and shame work encourages us to recognize, “A part of me is feeling shame.” This subtle shift creates separation, or unblending, between the Self and the part, allowing us to respond from a place of curiosity and care instead of reactive self-criticism. Over time, this approach reduces the intensity of shame and fosters deeper connection with our own internal system.
Common Shame Dynamics in IFS
When exploring IFS and shame, shame often manifests in predictable patterns. Protective parts can dominate consciousness, creating a sense that shame is the entire self. Vulnerable exiles may hold fear, sadness, or a deep sense of unworthiness, and attempts to manage or hide shame can lead to perfectionism, withdrawal, anger, or people-pleasing. Recognizing these dynamics is essential in IFS and shame work, because it allows for compassionate engagement with shame rather than suppression or avoidance.
A Gentle IFS Process for Working with Shame
When exploring IFS and shame, shame is an emotion that is explored with openness, compassion and curiosity. It may look like this in an IFS session:
Preparation: Find a quiet, comfortable space where you won’t be interrupted. Sit or lie down, close your eyes, and take a few slow, deep breaths. Notice tension or discomfort in your body and allow yourself to arrive in the present moment. Preparing in this way helps create the calm, focused energy of the Self, which is essential when working with shame in IFS.
Identify the shame-filled part: Bring awareness inward and notice which part of you carries shame most intensely. It might appear as a harsh inner critic, a perfectionist, or a part that withdraws from intimacy or connection. Observe its thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations. Label it gently: “This is the part that feels shame.”
Dialogue with the part: Invite this part into a conversation. Ask questions like, “What are you trying to do for me?” or “How do you feel when you carry this shame?” Listen attentively. Responses may come as words, images, or bodily sensations. In IFS, dialogue is essential for understanding the protective intentions behind shame.
Notice the exiles: Often, shame is a protective layer over a more vulnerable part. These exiles may carry fear, sadness, or a deep sense of unworthiness. Observe them without judgment, allowing their presence to be acknowledged. Simply noticing these exiled parts is a crucial first step in healing shame through IFS.
Shift language to “I notice”: Instead of saying, “I am shameful,” try, “I notice a part of me that feels shame.” Or instead of, “I am not enough,” try, “I notice a part that worries it’s not enough.” This small shift separates the Self from the shame-filled part and invites curiosity rather than judgment.
Visualize separation: Imagine the shame-filled part gently stepping back, creating a healthy distance from the Self. Notice how it feels to observe shame rather than be consumed by it. In IFS, this visualization helps unblend the Self from the shame-filled part, creating space for understanding and compassion.
Offer compassion: Speak to the part with kindness. Recognize that even if it feels critical or harsh, it is trying to protect you from pain, rejection, or failure. At the same time, offer reassurance to the exiles it shields, letting them know they are safe, seen, and valued.
Check in with yourself: After a few minutes, notice your body and mind. Is there tension, heaviness, or relief? Do you feel calmer or more present? Reflection helps integrate the experience and solidifies the unblending from shame.
Integration: Commit to continuing this dialogue over time. Each session reinforces separation, strengthens Self-energy, and allows shame-filled parts to feel acknowledged rather than rejected. With consistent practice, shame loses its overwhelming power, and internal harmony grows.
Seeking Permission from Protector Parts
A critical aspect of IFS and shame work is recognizing that protective parts may fear overwhelm, judgment, or exposure. These parts often act as gatekeepers, preventing vulnerable exiles from being accessed too quickly. If we try to push into shame-filled parts without permission, these protectors can become resistant or defensive, making the process harder and sometimes intensifying shame.
To work effectively, begin by acknowledging these protective parts and asking for their permission. For example, you might say, “I notice you are trying to protect me. May I speak with the part carrying shame?” or “I see you are worried about overwhelm—can I listen to the part behind you gently?” This simple act of seeking permission shows respect for the protective part, helping it feel safe rather than threatened.
Sometimes, protector parts will express fear that the shame will be too painful, or that self-judgment will increase. It’s important to respond with reassurance: “I will approach slowly, and I won’t let you or the exiled part be harmed. I am here as the Self to support both of you.” By negotiating with protector parts, we create an internal alliance, reducing resistance and fostering a safer environment for shame exploration.
Once permission is granted, even tentatively, the Self can approach the shame-filled part gently, opening dialogue, noticing exiles, and offering compassion. Over time, protector parts often relax, seeing that the Self can manage the intensity of shame without harm, and the internal system becomes more integrated and balanced.
Integrating IFS and Shame in Daily Life
When exploring IFS and shame, the inner work doesn’t have to be limited to formal sessions. Mindful check-ins between sessions can help you notice when shame arises and identify which part is carrying it, allowing you to observe it from the Self. Journaling is another way to communicate with shame-filled parts or exiles carrying vulnerability. Gentle reminders of self-compassion can help when shame emerges unexpectedly, and simple breathing or visualization exercises can create space between the Self and shame-filled parts when feeling overwhelmed.
Over time, these practices reduce the intensity of shame and strengthen the capacity of the Self to lead with curiosity, compassion, and clarity. Protector parts learn to trust the Self, shame-filled parts feel seen, and internal harmony grows.
From Shame to Undeniable Presence
Shame can feel heavy, isolating, and defining, convincing us that we are “not enough.” From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, shame is carried by parts that took on protective or critical roles early in life, trying to keep us safe from rejection, judgment, or harm. These parts are not our enemy, they are doing their best to protect us, but their strategies can leave us feeling small, self-critical, or unworthy. By meeting these parts with curiosity and compassion, we can begin to transform shame into understanding, and reclaim a sense of inner strength that has always been within us.
Through IFS and shame work, we learn that true self-confidence isn’t something we have to prove or perform, it’s something we can carry as an energy, a quiet but undeniable presence.
This confidence has an edge: it is grounded, clear, and self-assured, radiating without words or explanations. When we hold this energy, we don’t need to convince anyone of our worth; we simply exist from a place of inner trust, self-leadership, and integrity. In this way, confidence becomes a natural extension of who we are, fully integrated into our system, and available in every moment of life.
True confidence is not about performance, achievements, or convincing others, it is about relational presence.
Through IFS work, we learn to carry a quiet, grounded energy of self-assurance that others can sense without us needing to speak or prove anything. This confidence has an edge: it is clear, authentic, and self-contained, rooted in inner trust and Self-leadership. In relationships, this presence allows us to show up fully without defensiveness or overcompensation, creating connection from authenticity rather than obligation or performance.
IFS and Shame Work in Newcastle, UK
IFS and shame work is a non-linear, compassionate, and deeply reparative approach to understanding and healing parts shaped by shame, self-blame, and unworthiness. Rather than trying to eliminate shame, Internal Family Systems helps us meet the protective and wounded parts that carry it with curiosity and care. In Newcastle, UK, I offer a warm, affirming, and collaborative space for IFS and shame work, available both in person and online.
You can begin your journey with IFS and shame work by following these steps:
- Reach out to arrange a free 15-minute consultation.
- Share what you hope to explore in therapy. This informal conversation helps us see whether we resonate and would be a good fit.
- Begin IFS and shame work and start developing a more compassionate, integrated relationship with yourself.
Through this process, many clients experience a softening of shame-based patterns, stronger internal safety and self-acceptance, improved emotional regulation, and a growing sense of confidence and self-trust.
Conclusion
Shame is a powerful, often hidden emotion, but through IFS, it can be approached with curiosity, kindness, and understanding. By identifying shame-filled parts, dialoguing with them, noticing exiles, seeking permission from protective parts, and practicing separation from the Self, we can gradually transform shame from a source of suffering into an opportunity for growth.
Whether practiced in therapy or in daily life, IFS and shame provide a structured yet flexible approach to working with inner emotional dynamics, offering hope, healing, and a path toward self-acceptance. Each part, even those that generate shame, has a valuable message, and by engaging them compassionately, we can cultivate inner harmony, resilience, and freedom.