IFS Boundaries – Balancing Compassion and Self-Respect to Break Trauma Bonds, Codependency and Create Healthy Relationships
What Are Boundaries?
In this dance of life we find ourselves in, finding a healthy balance between caring for ourselves and others is essential to our well-being. Many of us are deeply caring, empathic people who want to show up with kindness and understanding. At the same time, many of us are exhausted, overwhelmed, or quietly hurting because we were never taught how to care for ourselves.
At the heart of this balance are boundaries, which are essential guidelines that shape how we interact with our loved ones and the world around us.
Boundaries are the guidelines we set for ourselves in our relationships, helping us distinguish our thoughts, emotions, and needs from those of others. They help us stay connected to who we are while remaining in a relationship. They allow us to say “this is mine” and “that is yours” without shame or defensiveness.
They act as an essential tool for protecting our well-being while respecting others. Boundaries are not walls, and it is possible to be loving, kind, and boundaried at the same time. This becomes especially clear when we explore IFS boundaries, which hold compassion and self-respect as partners rather than opposites.
What People Think Boundaries Are
Many of us grew up with distorted examples of boundaries. Perhaps boundaries were enforced through punishment, withdrawal, anger, or control. Or perhaps boundaries were absent altogether, leaving us responsible for managing other people’s emotions.
Because of this, boundaries can feel threatening – either to us or to others.
But boundaries are not walls; they are bridges that connect us to both ourselves and others in healthy, respectful ways. Each of us experiences the world differently, and boundaries help ensure we can stay connected without becoming overwhelmed, depleted, or lost in someone else’s needs.
Boundaries are declarations of self-worth and respect for others. They support emotional safety, clarity, and mutual responsibility. Healthy boundaries aren’t about shutting people out, they’re about creating relationships that feel sustainable, grounded, and authentic, even when trauma responses are present.
Through the lens of IFS boundaries, we can understand boundaries not as rejection, but as regulation.
IFS Boundaries: A Trauma-Informed Perspective
Looking at boundaries through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) allows us to approach them with curiosity rather than judgment. In IFS, we understand that we are not a single voice or reaction, but we are a system of parts, each shaped by lived experience and each trying to keep us safe.
When we talk about IFS boundaries, it’s important to hold in mind that many of us and many of my clients have trauma histories. They have nervous systems that often get overwhelmed more quickly, and trauma can mean that relational stress activates survival responses long before conscious choice is available.
This exploration is not only about those setting boundaries, but also about those on the receiving end. Many of us move into fawning or defence when we are overwhelmed, especially when our stress buckets overflow. In IFS language, we are blended with parts. Perhaps we have a people pleaser part that doesn’t want to hurt others, a guilty part bad that feels guilty for having boundaries due to our earlier experiences of an emotionally dysregulated parent.
One of the gifts of IFS is recognising that we are a multitude. I have parts on both sides. I have parts that fawn due to fear of other people’s anger or guilt. I have parts that become defensive when I feel misunderstood and not heard. IFS boundaries help us meet all of this with compassion, so we can be more self-led and break the cycle of abandoning ourselves.
Why Boundaries Are Especially Difficult for Those With Developmental Trauma
For many people with developmental trauma and those of us who grew up in unsafe or unpredictable environments – boundaries may not feel intuitive. We often learned that connection depended on attunement to others rather than respect for ourselves.
This is particularly true for individuals with CPTSD and rejection sensitivity, where the fear of being misunderstood, criticised, or abandoned can strongly influence how boundaries are approached. The nervous system may interpret boundary-setting as danger rather than care.
It’s crucial to remember that boundaries are not about shutting others out. They are about honouring our needs in a way that respects how we experience the world.
But when boundaries are challenged or dismissed, (especially by people whose own trauma responses lead to denial, attack, or blame) maintaining them can feel incredibly complex. In these moments, IFS boundaries are not just relational skills; they are acts of nervous system protection.
When Parts Take Over: Blending and Boundary Struggles
When overwhelm hits, we often lose access to Self energy. Instead, protector parts step in automatically.
Some parts fawn to preserve connection.
Some shut down to avoid conflict.
Some attack or blame to regain a sense of power or safety.
These responses are not flaws, they are adaptations.
IFS boundaries help us recognise that boundary struggles are signals, not failures. Rather than asking “What’s wrong with me?”, we can ask, “Which part is activated right now, and what does it need to feel safe?”
This shift creates space for compassion and clarity.
Balancing Compassion With Self-Respect
A core theme in IFS boundaries is learning how to balance compassion with self-respect. Many trauma survivors are profoundly empathic. We feel others’ pain deeply and instinctively want to alleviate it.
Empathy is not the problem. The challenge arises when compassion overrides our own emotional safety.
Balancing compassion with self-respect means recognising that understanding someone’s pain does not require absorbing it, fixing it, or sacrificing ourselves for it. We can care without collapsing our boundaries.
This balance can be especially difficult for those with CPTSD, where compassion may once have been a survival strategy. Many of us learned early that staying attuned to others’ emotions kept us safe.
Through IFS boundaries, we can honour the parts that learned this while gently helping them update to present-day realities.
Trauma Bonds, Fixing, and the Cost of Losing Balance
When compassion consistently outweighs self-respect, we may find ourselves staying in unhealthy or toxic relationships. Trauma bonds often form when empathy, fear, and attachment become tightly entangled.
In these dynamics, we may move into fixer or rescuer roles, not because we want control, but because we understand the other person’s pain. Over time, however, this imbalance erodes our sense of self and safety.
Balancing compassion with self-respect means noticing when our care for others is costing us our well-being. IFS boundaries support us in stepping out of automatic rescuing and into grounded presence.
CPTSD, Survival Parts, and Boundary Confusion
CPTSD develops in environments where safety was inconsistent or absent. Children adapt by developing parts that help them survive.
Some parts learned to regulate caregivers’ emotions to prevent anger or abandonment. These parts may now struggle deeply with guilt when setting boundaries.
Other parts learned to walk on eggshells, staying hypervigilant and anxious. This can evolve into chronic anxiety, people-pleasing, or emotional shutdown in adulthood.
Through IFS boundaries, we can thank these parts for their protection while also helping them understand that boundaries are no longer dangerous, they are stabilising.
Compassion Without Rescuing
Balancing compassion with self-respect also means recognising the difference between support and rescue.
You can understand someone’s pain without taking responsibility for their healing. In fact, rescuing often prevents growth, both theirs and yours.
When we repeatedly shield others from the consequences of their actions, we unintentionally reinforce cycles of dependency and dysregulation. IFS boundaries encourage us to allow responsibility to remain where it belongs.
This is not abandonment. It is self-respect.
Protecting your inner dignity is an act of self-love and relational honesty.
You deserve respect.
You deserve self-love.
You deserve emotional safety.
Learning to integrate these lessons into your wounded parts that carry guilt and abandonment can help you become more self-lead, grounded and improve your emotional well-being.
The Cycle of Abuse and Boundary Erosion
Understanding IFS boundaries also requires awareness of how abusive or manipulative dynamics override them. In the cycle of abuse, boundaries are often met with guilt, fear, or emotional pressure.
This may sound like:
- “I’ve done so much for you.”
- “You’re abandoning me.”
- “You’re abusing me”.
These responses activate trauma parts, pulling us back into fawning, freezing, or rescuing – even after boundaries have been clearly communicated. The trauma bond tightens, and self-trust erodes.
IFS helps us see that these reactions often come from the other person’s wounded parts—but that does not mean we must sacrifice ourselves to soothe them.
Holding Boundaries From Self Energy
Ultimately, IFS boundaries are about staying anchored in Self energy: calm, compassionate, grounded, and clear.
From Self, boundaries are neither harsh nor passive. They are steady. They honour both connection and autonomy. They allow compassion and self-respect to coexist.
Boundaries held from Self do not require justification, over-explanation, or emotional collapse. They are expressions of truth, care, and inner alignment.
IFS reminds us that boundaries are not acts of rejection, they are acts of integration.
And when we learn to balance compassion with self-respect, boundaries become not something we fear, but something we trust.