IFS Internal Family Systems: What is it and how to begin
IFS Internal Family Systems is a revolutionary healing modality and form of psychotherapy that reduces emotional distress by healing parts of the mind that have become hurt and fragmented due to childhood trauma.
IFS Internal Family Systems: What is it?
IFS Internal Family Systems isn’t like traditional talk therapy where the approach relies on talking about the past and having cognitive insights to create change. Instead, IFS Internal Family Systems is focused on “repair” and healing the nervous system and parts of the subconscious mind that carry hurt and pain from emotional trauma.
IFS Internal Family Systems is a form of trauma therapy that focuses on healing parts of the self that have taken on extreme roles in order to protect oneself from further pain.
For example, if someone has grown up with a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and explosive, then as a child they may have felt fearful and unsafe. When a child has experienced repetitive experiences of a parent crossing their boundaries, the child starts to carry fear and anxiety in their nervous system and the “anxious inner child” is formed.
Later in their adult lives they may struggle to set boundaries and advocate for themselves, because their boundaries weren’t respected or modeled to them as a child.
Let’s say the same child that grew up in chaos, grew up with a parent who was narcissistic and emotionally immature and they often belittled the child, the child doesn’t have the tools, brain capacity and knowledge to assess their parents behaviour and discern that their parent is emotionally immature, dysregulated and that they’re not at fault.
Rather, the child will absorb their parents’ treatment and internalize a belief that there is something wrong with them, leading to low-self esteem.
If we’re to break this down through the lens of IFS Internal Family Systems, this child carries a wound of anxiety about the parent’s explosive behaviour and fears that their parent will get angry at them. We’ll call this the anxious part.
The child has also been shunned by their parents a lot and carries this belief that something is wrong with them and they’ve done something wrong. We’ll call this the shame part.
Due to ongoing mistreatment from their parent, the child doubts themselves and their feelings and struggles to trust their own feelings and judgements about things. We’ll call this the self doubt part.
This child that grew up in chaos with a parent who constantly berated them, belittled them, criticised them and yelled at them, will become so accustomed to chaos and a parent that is controlling and not respectful of their boundaries, feelings and needs that they can become drawn to partners who are controlling and explosive. They have become so accustomed to high stress situations, they will be unconsciously drawn to partners who are unsafe, controlling and manipulative, because familiarity is safe.
If this person who had experienced this form of complex trauma, where they grew up with abuse and experienced abusive relationships as an adult, may show symptoms of PTSD and become emotionally triggered when someone gaslights them, belittles them or uses emotional manipulation such as triangulation.
This person may look for a trauma therapy such as IFS Internal Family Systems to reduce emotional distress, soften their reactions to emotional triggers and heal from their childhood trauma.
An IFS therapist would help them to get to know and befriend the parts of their mind that carry pain from their childhood.
Here’s how the process usually works:
IFS Internal Family Systems: How to do it
Phase One – Befriending Protectors
In IFS Internal Family Systems phase one is focused on building a solid foundation of trust and understanding with your protective parts, which are the aspects of your psyche that work to shield you from emotional pain or trauma.
The primary goal is to develop a relationship with your protective parts, acknowledging their presence and recognizing the roles they play in your internal system.
During this stage, you work to:
Identify your protective parts: Become aware of the various protective parts within you and understand their intentions, feelings, and beliefs.
Develop trust and rapport: Establish a sense of trust and understanding with your protective parts, letting them know that you recognize their efforts to keep you safe and protected.
Understand their roles: Explore the specific roles each protective part plays in your life and the ways in which they have served you in the past.
Validate their experiences: Acknowledge the emotions and experiences of your protective parts, creating an environment where they feel seen and understood.
Begin to differentiate from your parts: Start to recognize that your protective parts are distinct from your core Self, allowing you to observe and interact with them from a more objective, compassionate perspective.
So with the case of our example, this would involve helping the person befriend their self doubt part, beginning to dialogue with it, build a trusting relationship with it and validate their experience, so they feel seen and understood.
Often this phase is very healing for people, as the process of simply acknowledging the protector, helps them to feel validated, and they experience an emotional release, where they feel lighter in their body.
It also empowers people to see that protective parts of the self have acted as allies to protect their exiles or inner child parts from further hurt, and they learn to develop compassion for themselves.
Phase Two – Working with Exiles
In IFS Internal Family Systems, phase two is focused on healing the wounded and vulnerable parts of your psyche, known as “exiles.”
This phase, called “Working with Exiles,” builds upon the foundation established in Phase One and aims to facilitate deep emotional healing and transformation.
Accessing exiled parts: With the support of your protective parts, you’ll work to safely access and connect with the exiled parts of yourself that carry emotional pain, trauma, or burdens.
Witnessing and validating their experiences: By observing and empathizing with your exiles, you’ll provide a compassionate presence that allows them to feel seen, heard, and understood.
Unburdening exiles: Through compassionate and mindful interaction, you’ll help release the emotional burdens carried by your exiles, promoting healing and transformation within your internal system.
Integrating transformed exiles: As your exiles heal, they’ll become more integrated and connected with your core Self, allowing their unique qualities and gifts to contribute positively to your overall well being.
Strengthening the internal system: Through this process, your internal system becomes more harmonious and cohesive, with your protective parts learning to trust and collaborate with your healed exiles and your core Self.
So going back to our example, this would involve helping the person witness the younger version of themselves that carry shame from the past and the belief that they’re a bad person due to ongoing abuse and mistreatment.
When the protective parts have stepped aside through earned trust, it creates more internal space for someone to connect to their exile parts with compassion.
It helps them to get into a more meditative state of mind where they can connect to the younger version of themselves with curiosity and compassion, as opposed to feeling overwhelmed, emotionally flooded and retraumatised.
They connect to their inner child with “self energy” and their inner child experiences the calmness, centeredness and presence needed as a child.
Sometimes it takes a while for our exiled parts to trust our adult self, when they have been criticized and judged by ourselves and others, but by being gentle and kind, our exiled parts eventually trust us to support them, and it’s incredibly healing when our exile gets the love, appreciation and affection they deserve.
This second phase focuses on healing the roof of the emotional pain and suffering by healing and integrating exiled parts. This process fosters greater emotional resilience, self-acceptance, and personal growth, leading to lasting positive change in someone’s mental health and overall wellbeing.
The Role of Self-Energy in the Healing Process
Self-energy is a crucial component of the IFS Internal Family Systems healing process, as it serves as the nurturing and compassionate presence that guides the interaction between the core Self and the various parts of the internal system. Characterized by qualities such as curiosity, empathy, and acceptance, self-energy facilitates the therapeutic process by fostering a safe and supportive environment for healing and growth.
The Eight C’s of Self-Energy
Curiosity: By approaching parts with genuine interest and openness, you can gain valuable insights into the needs, fears, and motivations of your parts, leading to greater understanding and empathy.
Compassion: Extending warmth, kindness, and understanding to parts helps them feel seen and appreciated, fostering a sense of safety and trust in the healing process.
Clarity: As self-energy increases, you can experience greater mental clarity, making it easier to differentiate between the needs and emotions of various parts and the presence of the core Self.
Calmness: By cultivating a sense of tranquility and peace, you can can approach your parts with a balanced and non-reactive presence, allowing for more effective communication and healing.
Connectedness: Strengthening the connection between the core Self and various parts promotes integration and harmony within the internal system, fostering a greater sense of wholeness and well-being.
Confidence: Developing trust in your own ability to navigate and heal the internal system empowers people to take an active role in their healing journey.
Courage: Facing and healing wounded parts requires bravery and resilience, but it’s an innate aspect of the self that can be accessed.
Creativity: Engaging the creative aspects of self-energy allows individuals to approach their healing process with creativity and resourcefulness.
Integrating IFS Internal Family Systems in Daily Life
If you resonate with IFS, then you can begin incorporating the principles of IFS Internal Family Systems into daily life. Before undergoing IFS Therapy, you can begin a few practices to begin exploring the self and calming the mind.
By creating a regular practice of connecting with and nurturing various parts, you can cultivate greater self-awareness, emotional resilience, and improved relationships.
Here’s some practices you might consider:
Meditation: Practicing mindfulness meditation can help you to become more attuned to the presence of your various parts and develop the skills needed to approach them with curiosity and compassion.
Journaling: Writing about interactions with different parts can provide valuable insights into your needs and motivations, fostering greater understanding and self-awareness. You might want to draw a map of all the different parts of the self that you’d like to get to know and work on in IFS Internal Family Systems.
Perhaps there is a trigger map that is prevalent in your life that you’d like to work on such as “the abandoned child trigger map”, in which an abandoned child is being triggered and there are protective parts that try to cope with the pain of abandonment.
These might include “the anxious part” that feels anxiety in relationships, “the overthinking part” that overthinks about people’s behavior, the “critical part” that puts you down for being anxious in relationships and the “self doubt part” that doubts your intuition.
Self-compassion practices: Engaging in self-compassion exercises, such as loving-kindness meditation or self-empathy techniques, can strengthen one’s capacity for self-energy and promote healing within the internal system.
IFS Internal Family Systems offers a powerful approach to healing past traumas and promoting personal growth. By cultivating self-energy and integrating the principles of IFS into daily life, people can significantly reduce emotional distress and create sustainable emotional healing in their life.
Next steps
If you’re curious about IFS and would like to begin befriending your parts, I understand the importance of working with someone who is compassionate and holds space for your parts without judgement. Book an intro call to see if you resonate with my energy and approach.