Anxious Attachment And The 5 Signs of Self Abandonment
Those with anxious attachment often find themselves caught in a cycle of self abandonment when pursuing love. In our eagerness to establish a deep connection and find security in our relationships, we may inadvertently overlook critical signs that a potential partner may not be the best match for us.
Red flags that might send others running, such as inconsistent behavior or a lack of emotional availability, are often rationalized or minimized.
We tell ourselves that if we just give it more time or try a little harder, they’ll eventually become the partner we want them to be.
In this pursuit of love, we may also accept less than we truly deserve. We might settle for breadcrumbs of affection or attention, believing that it’s better to have something rather than nothing at all.
As a result, we neglect our own emotional well-being, convincing ourselves that our needs and desires are less important than those of our partner.
Over time, this pattern of self abandonment takes a toll on our self-worth and value. We begin to doubt ourselves and our ability to find a healthy, fulfilling relationship. We question if we’re truly deserving of the love and respect we so desperately crave.
But the truth is, we are worthy of love – real, genuine, and reciprocal love. It’s important for those of us with anxious attachment to recognize these patterns of self abandonment and understand that it’s possible to break the cycle.
By learning to prioritize our own needs, honor our intuition, and set healthy boundaries, we can begin to cultivate a sense of self-worth and build the foundation for the loving, fulfilling relationships we’ve always desired.
My story of self abandonment
As someone who leans towards anxious attachment, I have dealt with my own tendency to overlook red flags in relationships and get caught in a cycle of self abandonment.
This was certainly the case when I met John. Initially I was drawn to his kindness and playfulness. However, there were some warning signs of emotional unavailability that I chose to ignore or rationalise away.
For example, he said that he did something in his last relationship that he regrets, he said his last relationship of 7 years ended 7 months ago and he cancelled plans for our third date as he said he had too much work and was hoping to find a new job. The red flags were there and that was the time to put my foot on the breaks.
Instead, I had this inner battle that many anxious attachers deal with where they think they have to be the “cool girl” and not come across intense, and I would use my humor to diffuse the tension instead of advocating for my own emotional needs.
Despite these red flags, I decided that maybe it was serving me that we weren’t rushing things and maybe it would both give us a chance to build a relationship slowly based on respect and trust, and perhaps when the time was right we could escalate things. This felt right for me at the time, but as things progressed and it was hurting me that he wasn’t being as consistent as I would like, my feelings of anxious attachment were starting to haunt me again.
I was dealing with daily anxiety, uncertainty and would spend most days overthinking our relationship, questioning how genuine he was and asking other people if they thought he was genuine.
If you have to ask other people about what they think of this person’s intentions for your relationship, that is a red flag that this person isn’t committed, and it’s a coping mechanism you’re using to seek validation, rather than listening to your gut.
This is something many people with anxious attachment do. They will have a gut feeling someone is emotionally unavailable or they’re untrustworthy, but instead of listening to their gut, they will overthink.
After showing the messages to a friend, they said “This doesn’t look good at all, your messages are more intense than his and he doesn’t seem invested. He should have a daily presence in your life and you deserve the world”.
I then decided I can’t deal with this anxiety anymore, I am going to give myself a limit and will give it 2 weeks for the consistency and investment to improve and if it doesn’t I am going to end it.
This then shortly escalated to, I can’t deal with this anxiety or uncertainty anymore at all, I need to ask him tonight what his intentions are, and so I sent the message “what are your intentions with me?” and in return I got a message saying that he likes me, he wants to continue getting to know me but he isn’t ready for a serious relationship but he wants to go with the flow and let things grow naturally.
When a guy says he wants to “go with the flow” – this can be a red flag that he’s not willing to invest in a more serious or committed relationship.
Plus, if he says he isn’t ready for a serious relationship right now it’s important to prioritise your own needs and boundaries. Don’t waste your time and energy on someone who isn’t willing or able to meet your needs, especially when you deserve someone who is fully invested in building a healthy and committed relationship with you.
When I received this message, I knew it was time I needed to let him go and I had an inner whisper inside of me saying “it’s time to let it go Vicky, it’s time to feel your feelings and sit with it”.
I felt the anxiety weigh over me, the weight of the world on my chest and the impending doom and abandonment. I sank to the bathroom floor, my body wracked with sobs as tears streamed down my contorting face. In that moment, I felt completely alone and hopeless, unsure if the pain would ever end.
I then reminded myself that I needed to connect to myself and the part of me that felt abandoned. I imagined an external spiritual figure a few feet away from me and imagined the reassurance and support this guide had to say. I then imagined a golden thread from my heart to my inner child and down the golden thread sending healing energy of love and compassion.
I felt my heart relaxing, my anxiety softening as I befriended my feelings. Although the feelings felt like they were never going to end initially, I started to feel a sense of relief after connecting to myself and I was starting to let it go.
Looking back, I realize that I abandoned myself and that my tendency to self abandon my own needs and feelings had led me to another situation where I felt hurt, betrayed and disappointed.
Sometimes it’s easy to be hard on ourselves when we feel beaten down by another unhealthy relationship, but it’s important to take this as a learning experience and an opportunity to adjust our boundaries, sharpen our discernment and advocate for ourselves more in the future.
It’s important to remember that what may seem like another failure is often an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. The universe has a way of presenting us with lessons that we need to learn and aspects of ourselves that we need to heal and integrate.
Healing is not a linear process, and it’s okay if you find yourself caught up in a relationship that didn’t serve you. It doesn’t mean that you’ve failed or that you’re not worthy of love. Sometimes, it’s necessary for a relationship to end before it causes more hurt, and the sooner we can recognize that and take a step back, the better.
By doing so, we’re practicing self-advocacy and prioritizing our own needs and boundaries. We’re strengthening our sense of self, defining our values and goals, and aligning ourselves with the ideal relationship that we deserve – one that is respectful, invested, and committed. With every step we take towards self-worth and self-love, we’re moving closer to attracting a partner who aligns with our core needs and values.
So, as an anxious attacher myself, I’ve learned a lot about how we might self-abandon in the pursuit of love. Here are some ways that we do this, so you can be more mindful in your relationships and break the cycle of self abandonment:
Settling for partners who are emotionally unavailable
I’ve experienced emotional unavailability firsthand – partners who struggle to communicate their feelings or avoid deeper intimacy. Accepting these partners means abandoning our emotional needs, leading to frustration and disappointment. Remember, you deserve someone willing to build a strong emotional connection with you.
Accepting breadcrumbs of affection or attention
A healthy relationship requires mutual investment and effort. If we find ourselves constantly chasing after small scraps of affection or attention, we’re neglecting our own needs for consistent love and commitment. This can leave us feeling anxious and insecure, further perpetuating the cycle of self abandonment.
You deserve a relationship where you receive consistent love, attention, and commitment without feeling anxious and insecure in the relationship.
Ignoring your needs
In any healthy relationship, it’s crucial to communicate our needs and desires openly. By ignoring or suppressing our own needs, we’re signaling to ourselves and our partners that we don’t value our own happiness and well-being. I’ve learned the hard way that advocating for ourselves is key to breaking the cycle of self abandonment.
Remember, you deserve a relationship where your needs are heard and valued.
Ignoring your gut feeling and overthinking
Our intuition often picks up on subtle cues that our conscious mind may miss. When we dismiss these instincts, we risk overlooking important red flags or compatibility issues that could lead to heartbreak down the line. Trusting our intuition is an essential aspect of self-advocacy and emotional self-care.
It’s important to trust your instincts and make decisions that honor your emotional well-being and long-term happiness.
Overlooking red flags
Red flags can be a partner’s inconsistent behavior or mismatched values. Ignoring these signs means prioritizing the relationship over our own needs. I’ve done this, but addressing red flags early empowers us to make better decisions and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Be mindful of red flags and prioritize your well-being.
Red flags are often a sign to not escalate the relationship further. By acknowledging these signs, we empower ourselves to make informed decisions and prioritize our long-term happiness and well-being.
Remember, you deserve a relationship that nurtures your emotional well-being, honors your needs, and fosters genuine connection. By being mindful of these self abandonment tendencies, we can break the cycle and cultivate the love we truly deserve.
Why we self-abandon ourselves
self abandonment is a complex issue that stems from a variety of factors, many of which are rooted in our early experiences and attachment styles. At its core, self abandonment occurs when we prioritize the needs and desires of others over our own, neglecting our emotional well-being in the process.
One key reason we engage in self abandonment is the deep-seated fear of being alone or rejected. We may believe that if we don’t abandon ourselves and our own needs, we risk losing the love and approval of others. This fear can be especially strong for those with anxious attachment styles, who often feel a deep sense of insecurity and a constant need for reassurance in their relationships.
In addition, self abandonment can be a learned behavior, often stemming from childhood experiences where our needs were consistently overlooked or dismissed. If we grew up feeling invisible or unimportant, we may carry those beliefs into adulthood, subconsciously believing that our own needs don’t matter or are less important than the needs of others.
How to heal the self abandonment cycle
Healing the cycle of self abandonment often involves nurturing our inner child and processing deep-seated feelings of abandonment. By acknowledging and addressing these emotions, we can learn to cultivate self-soothing techniques, self-connection, and the ability to trust our intuition.
Engaging in inner child work allows us to revisit and heal past wounds that may have contributed to our self abandonment. We can begin by visualizing our younger selves, acknowledging their pain, and offering compassion and reassurance. Through this process, we learn to provide the emotional support and validation that may have been lacking during our formative years.
As we connect with our inner child, it’s essential to process any feelings of abandonment that may arise. This can involve journaling, or other forms of meditation that allow us to explore these emotions in a safe and supportive environment.
By validating our experiences and acknowledging our resilience, we can begin to heal and cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth.
In addition to inner child work, healing from self abandonment involves developing self-soothing practices that help regulate our emotions and build emotional resilience.
As we cultivate self-soothing and emotional regulation, we become more attuned to our intuition and inner wisdom. We learn to trust our instincts and make choices that honor our needs and well-being, rather than compromising ourselves for the sake of others. This newfound ability to connect with our intuition serves as a powerful guide as we navigate the complexities of relationships and life.
Curious To Go Deeper
If you’re curious to go deeper to heal from anxiety, insecurity or anxious attachment, I can help with IFS therapy. Often those been through attachment trauma struggle to feel secure in relationships. If you’d like to work with a therapist who specialises in neurodivergence and complex trauma, get in contact for an appointment. Simply fill out the form below and I’ll be in touch.