Anxious attachment therapy

Anxious attachment is a common relationship attachment style characterised by a strong desire for closeness and intimacy, coupled with feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment. Individuals with an anxious attachment style often struggle to maintain healthy relationships due to their emotional volatility and dependency on others for validation. Fortunately, anxious attachment therapy can be an effective way to address these concerns and develop a more secure attachment style.

Characteristics of Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style typically exhibit the following characteristics:

• Fear of abandonment or rejection

• Overly focused on their partner’s emotional availability and responsiveness

• Difficulty managing emotions and setting boundaries

• Need for constant reassurance and validation

• Difficulty trusting others and feeling secure in relationships


Left unaddressed, anxious attachment can lead to a cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns, emotional distress, and low self-esteem. Anxious attachment therapy gives anxious hearts a beautiful modality to heal their anxious system and find more emotional balance.

Anxious Attachment Therapy

Anxious attachment therapy can help people with anxious attachmentdevelop healthier relationship patterns and improve their overall well-being. Some common therapeutic approaches include:

1. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): 

CBT helps clients identify and challenge negative thought patterns that contribute to relationship insecurities and fears. By reframing these thoughts in a more positive and realistic manner, clients can develop greater self-awareness and emotional regulation skills. However, since the manifestations of trauma are primarily in the subconscious mind, anxious attachment therapy requires a deeper approach.


2. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT): 

EFT focuses on identifying and processing the emotional responses that drive attachment-related behaviors. By exploring the underlying emotions and needs that fuel anxious attachment, clients can develop healthier ways to communicate and build intimacy in their relationships.


3. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy

IFS therapy can help individuals with anxious attachment identify the various “parts” or subpersonalities within them that contribute to their relationship insecurities. By understanding and healing these parts, clients can develop a more integrated and secure sense of self.
IFS therapy is a comprehensive approach to anxious attachment therapy that gives people the opportunity to heal their anxious system, nervous system and shift towards secure attachment.

Anxious Attachment through the lens of IFS Therapy

Anxious attachment is a relationship pattern marked by a strong desire for intimacy, accompanied by fears of rejection and abandonment. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a unique and powerful approach to healing anxious attachment by addressing the “parts” within an individual that contribute to these relationship insecurities. This internal focus makes IFS particularly effective for fostering secure attachment from within.

IFS views the mind as a complex system of various parts or subpersonalities that interact and influence one another. In the context of anxious attachment, some key parts may include:

The “anxious” part: This part carries the intense emotions and fears related to abandonment or rejection. It may drive behaviors such as clinginess, neediness, or constant reassurance-seeking.

The “over-analysing” part: This part will over-analyse someone’s messages, interactions in order to find a level of control and safety.

The “inner critic”: This part may internalize negative messages from past relationships and contribute to feelings of low self-worth or inadequacy.

The “angry” part: This part may become angry and hurt when someone pulls away and isn’t consistent.

The “abandoned” part: This part carries memories of physical and emotional abandonment from childhood and limiting beliefs, such as “people will leave me”.

The “neglected” part: This part carries memories of emotional neglect where their feelings were invalidated and dismissed and they carry beliefs such as “nobody loves me”. 

The “shame” part: This part carries an emotional wound of shame. When a child doesn’t get sufficient love, affection or attention they will believe something is wrong with them. They will carry beliefs such as “there is something wrong with me” and “I’m a bad person”. 

These parts may interact in complex ways, creating a cycle of emotional distress and relationship difficulties.

Anxious attachment therapy such as internal family systems recognizes that anxious attachment is the result of parts that have become fragmented due to inconsistent and unreliable parenting. 

Internal family systems therapy helps clients understand and address the various parts involved in their anxious attachment pattern and address internal conflict by integrating parts. By fostering internal connection and understanding, IFS is an effective form of anxious attachment therapy that can promote secure attachment from within.

Anxious attachment therapy: Healing with IFS 

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy provides a comprehensive approach to healing anxious attachment by addressing the various “parts” within an individual that contribute to relationship insecurities. This step-by-step process encourages self-compassion, internal connection, and the development of healthier relationship patterns.

Step 1: Connecting to Parts

The first step involves identifying and connecting with the different parts that contribute to anxious attachment. These may include the anxious, inner critic, and protective parts, among others. Clients learn to recognize these parts’ emotions, beliefs, and roles within their internal system.

Step 2: Befriending Parts

Once clients have identified their parts, they are encouraged to develop a compassionate and understanding relationship with them. This process involves:

Active listening: Clients practice listening to their parts’ concerns and emotions without judgment.

Validating emotions: Clients acknowledge and validate the emotions expressed by their parts, fostering self-compassion and empathy.

Developing trust: By consistently engaging with their parts in a non-judgmental manner, clients build trust and create a foundation for further healing.

Step 3: Healing Parts

With a strong foundation of self-compassion and trust, clients can begin to heal their wounded parts. This process involves:

• Witnessing and acknowledging pain: Clients allow their wounded parts to share their pain and experiences.

• Offering support and understanding: The client’s Self (the compassionate and wise aspect of the individual) provides support, understanding, and validation to the wounded parts.

• Releasing emotional burdens: Through this healing process, wounded parts can release emotional burdens and transform into more healthy and functional aspects of the individual’s internal system.

Step 4: Integrating Parts

As wounded parts heal, clients can work towards integrating these parts into their internal system. This integration involves:

• Developing a harmonious internal system: Clients learn to facilitate cooperation and understanding among their various parts, fostering a more cohesive sense of self.

• People learn to integrate new capacities in their anxious system, for example their abandoned part might integrate capacities of groundedness and calmness.

• Building resilience: An integrated internal system can better navigate relationship challenges and maintain emotional stability, promoting secure attachment patterns.

• Establishing healthier relationships: With a more secure attachment style, clients can develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships with others.

Conclusion on anxious attachment therapy

The step-by-step process of healing anxious attachment through Internal Family Systems therapy empowers individuals to develop self-compassion, internal connection, and healthier relationship patterns. By following these steps, clients can transform their wounded parts, build resilience, and cultivate a more secure attachment style for a happier and more fulfilling life. If you resonate with this and would like to explore anxious attachment therapy. You can view my availability here and get in touch.

The Rollercoaster of Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style: Signs & Becoming Secure

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, longing for a deep and intimate connection. However, I found myself constantly trapped in a cycle of intense emotional lows, constantly feeling anxiety and emotional distress in relationships. 

After years of self-discovery and research, I learned that I had an anxious preoccupied attachment style, and understanding this has been a crucial step towards personal growth and healthier connections.

Living with anxious preoccupied attachment can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. On one hand, we crave closeness and intimacy, but on the other, we struggle with insecurity and a fear of rejection or abandonment. We might also have insecurities that we’re too much, even when we’ve put an enormous amount of time, money and energy into healing anxious attachment. 

Let’s say we do the work to heal our inner child and we release the emotional energy of anxiety in our body and we feel calmer and more grounded…this makes a huge difference to our emotional wellbeing. 

Despite this, it’s likely that there will always be an anxious part of us that fears that we’re too much or worries others may not be able to meet us emotionally.

That’s the honest truth with having an anxious preoccupied attachment style. It’s likely that there will always be a part of us that feels anxious and that’s ok. 

It’s about honoring our anxiety and using it to inform us of our core needs, boundaries and values and Ideal Relationship Blueprint, so that we can qualify for partners who bring emotional harmony rather than emotional disharmony.

It’s about finding emotionally safe partners who make our inner child feel safe, are attuned to our needs and are able to reconcile and resolve conflict. This helps us to bounce back from our anxious tendencies and support us to feel safe again.

This combination of qualifying for partners with my Ideal Relationship Pathway course (coming soon), healing our inner child and learning secure ways of relating can help us to overcome our anxious preoccupied attachment style, move towards secure attachment and create relationships that feel safe and supportive.

My experiences have taught me that recognising the signs of anxious preoccupied attachment is the first step towards healing and creating more secure relationships. 

By exploring our attachment style and understanding the signs, we can break free from emotional volatility and build a strong foundation for lasting, fulfilling connections.

In this blog post, I’ll delve into the key characteristics of an anxious preoccupied attachment style, discuss its impact on personal relationships, and share valuable coping strategies that have helped me manage my emotions and foster healthier connections. 

Together, we can navigate the complexities of anxious preoccupied attachment style and work towards a more secure, balanced, and loving future.

Constant need for reassurance

One key characteristic of the anxious preoccupied attachment style is the persistent need for reassurance from one’s partner. This need stems from deep-seated insecurities and fears of abandonment, making it difficult for individuals with this attachment style to feel secure in their relationships. As a result, they may seek constant validation in various aspects of their daily lives.

For instance, someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style may frequently ask their partner for affirmation of their love and commitment, even in the absence of any obvious relationship issues. They might request repeated verbal confirmations, such as “Do you still love me?” or “Are you sure we’re okay?” Additionally, they might over-analyse text messages, fretting over the tone, response time, or the absence of emojis, and seek reassurance about the intentions behind these messages or turn to the internet for reassurance. These everyday examples demonstrate the ongoing struggle for individuals with anxious preoccupied attachment to find emotional security in their relationships.

Difficulty with boundaries

People with anxious preoccupied attachment style often struggle to establish and maintain healthy personal boundaries in their relationships. Their fear of rejection or abandonment leads them to prioritize their partner’s needs and desires over their own, often at the expense of their well-being. This challenge manifests in various aspects of daily life.

For example, someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style may consistently forgo their personal plans or interests to accommodate their partner’s preferences. They might agree to watch a movie they dislike, attend social events they’re uncomfortable with, or even make significant life decisions based on their partner’s desires, neglecting their own needs and values. 

They may find it difficult to say “no” to requests or demands from their partner, leading to feelings of resentment or a loss of identity. These everyday examples highlight the importance of addressing boundary issues to foster healthier, more balanced relationships.

Oversharing

People with an anxious preoccupied attachment style may often engage in oversharing, a behavior that stems from their desire for closeness and intimacy. In their quest to form deep connections with others, they might reveal personal information or emotions too quickly, potentially creating awkward situations or crossing boundaries.

In everyday interactions, this could manifest as sharing deeply personal stories or experiences with someone they have just met, or perhaps discussing intimate details of their current relationship with friends or acquaintances. Furthermore, they might feel compelled to share their feelings, thoughts, and concerns with their partners excessively, overwhelming their partner and potentially straining the relationship. This oversharing can result from their need for validation and a sense of security, but it may unintentionally push others away or create an unhealthy dynamic.

Settling for breadcrumbs

One of the challenges individuals with anxious preoccupied attachment often face is settling for “breadcrumbs” in their relationships. In this context, breadcrumbs refer to minimal efforts, inconsistent communication, or emotional unavailability from their partners. Due to their fear of abandonment and desire for connection, they might accept these small gestures as a sign of love or commitment, despite not receiving the emotional support and affection they truly crave.

In everyday life, this may manifest as accepting infrequent or low-effort communication from their partner, such as sporadic text messages or canceled dates. They might also cling to ambiguous or noncommittal statements, interpreting them as signs of interest or affection. Over time, this pattern can lead to feelings of frustration, insecurity, and resentment, as they realize their emotional needs are not being adequately met. Recognizing and addressing this tendency to settle for breadcrumbs is crucial for fostering healthier, more satisfying relationships.

Sensitivity to rejection

People with an anxious preoccupied attachment style often experience heightened sensitivity to rejection, causing them to perceive even minor changes in their partner’s behavior or communication as signs of abandonment. This sensitivity can lead to emotional volatility, anxiety, and relationship challenges.

In daily interactions, this heightened sensitivity may manifest as feeling hurt or suspicious when their partner doesn’t respond to a text message immediately, is late for a date, or seems distracted during a conversation. They might also interpret innocent remarks as criticisms or personal attacks, leading to defensiveness or emotional outbursts. This constant fear of rejection can strain the relationship, as they struggle to trust their partner’s commitment and intentions. Recognising and managing this sensitivity is essential for developing healthier, more secure connections.

Idealising relationships

People with an anxious preoccupied attachment often idealise their relationships, creating an unrealistic expectation of perfection and unwavering connection. This idealization can lead to disappointment, disillusionment, and a sense of failure when their relationships don’t live up to these standards.

In daily life, this tendency to idealize relationships may manifest as placing their partner on a pedestal, overlooking flaws or red flags, and expecting constant closeness and understanding. They might also romanticize past relationships, believing them to have been “perfect” and holding current partners to impossible standards. 

As a result, they may feel let down or hurt when their partners inevitably fall short of these expectations. Recognizing this pattern of idealization is key to developing more realistic expectations and fostering healthier, more sustainable relationships.

Emotionally unavailable partners

A common pattern observed in people with an anxious preoccupied attachment style is their tendency to be attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. This attraction stems from a subconscious belief that they can “fix” their partner or earn their affection through unwavering devotion. Unfortunately, this dynamic often leads to frustration, disappointment, and unfulfilled emotional needs.

In daily life, this attraction might manifest as a pattern of falling for partners who are distant, evasive, or commitment-phobic. These partners may be unable or unwilling to provide the level of emotional intimacy and support that the individual with anxious preoccupied attachment desires. 

Despite this, they may continue to pursue these partners, hoping to change them or prove their worthiness of love. Recognising this pattern and its negative consequences is an essential step towards forming healthier, more supportive relationships.

How to change your attachment style?

If you’re experiencing fear, panic, or worry when someone pulls away, you’re not alone. It’s common for those with anxious attachment to feel triggered by minor changes in communication or take things personally. Many individuals with this attachment style struggle to create secure relationships, often settling for less than they deserve. However, the good news is that we can change our attachment style and move towards secure attachment.

A holistic and thorough approach to fostering secure attachment involves focusing on three essential components: finding inner safety, learning secure ways of relating, and choosing secure and compatible partners. By prioritizing these elements, you can achieve personal growth, heal anxious attachment, and develop stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

To support you on this journey, our comprehensive course, Heal Insecure Attachment, guides you through the process of befriending your anxiety and healing your inner child. With over 6 hours of video content and healing meditations, you’ll gain the tools you need to delve into your subconscious patterns and integrate them. By addressing the emotional energy stored in your nervous system, this can help you to cultivate inner security, release anxiety and learn secure ways of relating.

Enroll in Heal Insecure Attachment today to take the first step towards lasting healing and forming secure, supportive connections that will enrich your life and bring you the love and security you deserve.

How IFS Therapy Can Support Healing Anxious Preoccupied Attachment

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can be a powerful tool for anyone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style. At its core, IFS helps you understand that the anxiety, fear of rejection, and emotional intensity you experience in relationships are often driven by different “parts” of yourself. Some parts may feel needy, insecure, or desperate for reassurance, while others may act as protectors, trying to keep you safe from emotional pain. These parts are not flaws—they are simply doing their best to protect you—but they can create patterns that feel overwhelming or unmanageable in relationships.

IFS therapy provides a structured way to connect with these parts from a place of calm, compassionate Self. By learning to identify and listen to each part, you can uncover the core needs and fears driving your anxious attachment. For example, your inner child may carry deep fears of abandonment, while another part may act as a critic, pushing you to seek constant validation. IFS allows these parts to be acknowledged, understood, and supported, rather than ignored or suppressed.

Through IFS, many people with anxious preoccupied attachment begin to notice significant shifts in their relationships and emotional wellbeing. They often report feeling more grounded, less reactive, and more able to set healthy boundaries. Emotional triggers, like fear of rejection or need for constant reassurance, become easier to manage as the protective parts feel seen and understood. Over time, clients can develop a stronger, calmer sense of self, which supports the ability to connect with partners in secure and balanced ways.

If this resonates with you and you’d like to explore IFS therapy visit my home page to view availability and take the first step toward healing and developing more secure, fulfilling connections.

How to Deal with Anxiety in a Relationship

Do you often find yourself feeling anxious about your relationship? Are you frequently preoccupied with your partner’s feelings, commitment, or love for you? Do you struggle with persistent feelings of insecurity or fear of abandonment, even in moments when everything seems stable? If these questions resonate with you, you’re not alone. Many people face similar challenges, and learning how to deal with anxiety in a relationship is crucial for fostering a healthier and more fulfilling partnership. By understanding the roots of your anxiety and recognizing its signs, you can empower yourself to navigate these emotional challenges more effectively.

So, what exactly does it mean to have anxiety in a relationship? In this context, anxiety refers to persistent feelings of unease or worry stemming from uncertainties about the relationship itself. This anxiety may manifest as fears of losing your partner, doubts about their feelings, or concerns about your own worthiness and value within the relationship. When you experience anxiety in a relationship, it can lead to a cycle of negative thoughts and behaviors that not only impact your emotional well-being but also strain your connection with your partner. Recognizing and addressing this anxiety is vital for your personal growth and the overall health of your relationship. Learning how to deal with anxiety in a relationship allows you to create a more secure and supportive environment for both you and your partner.

Signs of Anxiety in a Relationship

Constant Need for Reassurance

One of the most significant signs of anxiety in a relationship is the constant need for reassurance. You may find yourself frequently asking your partner if they still love you, if they’re happy, or if they’re truly committed. While it’s normal to seek reassurance occasionally, when this need becomes overwhelming, it can create tension and strain your connection. Learning how to deal with anxiety in a relationship involves recognizing when this reassurance-seeking behavior becomes excessive and finding healthier ways to self-soothe.

Overanalyzing Communication

Knowing how to deal with anxiety in a relationship often means addressing your tendency to overanalyze communication. When feeling anxious, even minor pauses or changes in your partner’s responses can trigger a spiral of worry. You might catch yourself dissecting every message, worrying about the tone, and searching for hidden meanings. This habit can lead to unnecessary stress and strain your relationship, as you become more preoccupied with interpreting your partner’s words instead of enjoying the natural flow of communication.

Fear of Abandonment

A pervasive fear of abandonment is a crucial sign of anxiety in a relationship. You might feel as though you’re always on the brink of losing your partner, leading to hyper-vigilance regarding their actions. This constant fear can create emotional tension, making it difficult for you to feel secure in the relationship. To effectively learn how to deal with anxiety in a relationship, it’s important to address this fear and understand its roots, which often stem from past experiences or attachment issues.

Difficulty Trusting

Trust issues frequently accompany anxiety in relationships, making it challenging to fully trust your partner even when they’ve given you no reason to doubt them. This lack of trust can manifest as suspicion or insecurity, leading to behaviors like checking their phone or questioning their interactions with others. Understanding how to deal with anxiety in a relationship involves recognizing these trust issues and working towards building a foundation of trust with your partner.

Self-Sabotage and Testing

How to deal with anxiety in a relationship can also mean addressing self-sabotaging behaviors. You may test your partner’s commitment by pushing them away or creating conflict, believing that this will bring you the reassurance you need. However, these actions often lead to more insecurity and emotional distance, rather than the closeness you seek. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for breaking the cycle of anxiety and fostering a healthier connection.

Avoidance of Vulnerability

Avoiding vulnerability is another sign of anxiety in a relationship. You might hold back from sharing your true thoughts and feelings, fearing that such exposure will lead to rejection. This avoidance can create emotional walls that prevent you from forming a deeper connection with your partner. Learning how to deal with anxiety in a relationship involves gradually allowing yourself to be vulnerable and understanding that true intimacy requires openness.

Attachment to Outcomes

A strong attachment to outcomes is a common sign of anxiety in a relationship. You may find yourself fixating on questions like, “Will this work out?” or “Is this person ‘the one’?” This outcome-based mindset can overshadow your ability to enjoy the present moment and increase the pressure on your relationship. To effectively deal with anxiety, it’s essential to shift your focus from future outcomes to appreciating the present connection you share with your partner.

Physical Symptoms of Anxiety

Anxiety in relationships can also manifest physically, leading to symptoms such as trouble sleeping, muscle tension, or digestive issues when you’re feeling insecure. These physical manifestations are your body’s way of signaling that something deeper needs your attention. Understanding how to deal with anxiety in a relationship means addressing these physical symptoms alongside emotional concerns, allowing you to approach your relationship from a place of greater peace and stability.

How to Overcome Anxiety in a Relationship with Compassion

Learning how to deal with anxiety in a relationship begins with exploring relationship anxiety through a lens of compassion. It’s crucial to recognize that having anxious attachment isn’t your fault; these patterns often develop as adaptive responses designed to protect you and ensure your emotional needs are met. By acknowledging that your behaviors stem from past experiences, you can approach yourself with kindness instead of self-criticism. Understanding how to deal with anxiety in a relationship involves recognizing these patterns without judgment, empowering you to change them. By fostering self-compassion and awareness, you can break free from unhealthy cycles and create healthier, more fulfilling connections in the future.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is an essential practice in learning how to deal with anxiety in a relationship and fostering healthier connections. Boundaries help clarify your needs and limits, creating a sense of safety in your interactions with others. For someone with anxious attachment, establishing boundaries can help alleviate feelings of overwhelm and insecurity that often arise in relationships. Start by identifying what feels comfortable for you and what behaviors you find unacceptable. Communicate these boundaries openly and assertively to your partner or friends, ensuring they understand your needs. It’s vital to remember that setting boundaries is not a sign of weakness; rather, it’s an act of self-care and self-respect. By consistently enforcing your boundaries, you can create an environment where you feel valued and secure, making it easier to navigate your emotional landscape. Learning how to deal with anxiety in a relationship through boundary-setting empowers you to take control, ultimately leading to deeper connections built on mutual respect and understanding.

Soften Your Inner Critic

To effectively learn how to deal with anxiety in a relationship, it’s important to soften your inner critic and practice self-compassion. Many individuals with anxious attachment tend to be overly critical of themselves, engaging in negative self-talk and feeling guilty about their emotional needs. This harsh inner voice can intensify feelings of insecurity and unworthiness, making it more challenging to build healthy relationships. By recognizing that your anxious behaviors are not inherent flaws but rather responses shaped by past experiences, you can begin treating yourself with the kindness you deserve. Start by reframing your thoughts—when you notice your inner critic becoming loud, challenge those negative beliefs and replace them with affirmations of self-acceptance and understanding. Embracing this compassionate mindset will empower you to navigate your emotions more effectively, fostering a stronger sense of self-worth and paving the way for healthier, more secure connections.

Choose Partners with Secure Characteristics

Choosing partners with secure characteristics is an important step in learning how to deal with anxiety in a relationship. Secure partners are typically emotionally available, communicative, and consistent in their behavior, providing the stability and reassurance you need. Engaging with someone who displays these traits can help you feel safe and valued in the relationship, which reduces the intensity of anxious feelings. Look for partners who demonstrate empathy, are willing to discuss emotions, and can handle conflicts constructively. These qualities not only create a healthy relationship environment but also model secure attachment behaviors that you can learn from. By surrounding yourself with secure individuals, you foster opportunities for healing and growth, helping you develop a deeper sense of trust in yourself and others as you learn how to deal with anxiety in a relationship.

Heal Attachment Wounds

Healing attachment wounds is a crucial part of learning how to deal with anxiety in a relationship, as these wounds often leave subconscious scars in your nervous system. They typically originate from past experiences, particularly from inconsistent or unavailable caregiving during childhood, which can create deeply ingrained patterns of fear and anxiety. Acknowledging these subconscious wounds is the first step in recognizing how they influence your emotional responses and behaviors in adult relationships. To effectively heal these wounds, consider engaging in mindfulness practices that can help you reconnect with your nervous system and release the stored emotions tied to these experiences. By addressing these wounds, you can start to reshape your emotional landscape, allowing for healthier interactions in your relationships.

Heal Anxious Attachment

The course on how to deal with anxiety in a relationship focuses on healing anxious attachment by guiding you through the process of integrating anxious patterns and addressing the root causes of your attachment wounds. Through a combination of reflective exercises, therapeutic techniques, and supportive group discussions, you will learn to identify and understand your anxious attachment behaviors. This knowledge empowers you to break free from the cycles that may have held you back. As you embark on this transformative journey, you will cultivate greater self-worth and self-confidence, laying the groundwork for a secure attachment with yourself. This newfound sense of security will not only enhance your relationship with yourself but will also positively impact your connections with others. By the end of the course, you will feel more grounded and secure in your relationships, equipped with the tools and insights necessary to foster healthier, more fulfilling connections as you learn how to deal with anxiety in a relationship.

Therapy

If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

From Insecure to Earned Secure Attachment: 8 Strategies

Our attachment styles form in the early stages of life, shaped by how our primary caregivers attended to our emotional needs.

Typically, these initial attachment patterns maintain a degree of stability throughout our lives and impact our adult relationships. So for example, someone with a secure attachment style in childhood, where their emotional needs were consistently met, will likely carry this pattern into adulthood. 

As a result, they may find it easier to develop trusting, stable relationships, openly communicate their feelings, and provide support to their partners.

Conversely, individuals who experienced insecure attachment during their formative years, characterized by emotional neglect, inconsistency, or trauma, are more likely to exhibit similar patterns in their adult relationships. For instance, they may struggle with trust issues, fear of abandonment, or difficulty expressing their needs, leading to challenges in forming and maintaining healthy connections.

However can our attachment style change?

Although our early attachment patterns may influence our adult relationships, the good news is that it’s possible for our attachment style to change. With conscious effort, introspection, and therapeutic interventions, individuals can work towards a more secure and healthy attachment approach.

The concept of “earned secure attachment” underscores this potential for transformation. By engaging in self-work, gaining insight into our attachment history, and cultivating secure relationships later in life, we can foster an earned secure attachment style. This positive shift not only impacts our current relationships but also paves the way for healthier connections in the future, ultimately leading to enhanced emotional well-being and resilience.

Fortunately, our brains possess incredible resilience and the capacity to rewire themselves following consistent positive experiences. Thus, healthy relationships can reshape our early insecure connections. Essentially, it’s possible to transform an insecure attachment style into what experts call earned secure attachment.

What is earned secure attachment?

Earned secure attachment is a remarkable testament to our capacity for growth and resilience in the realm of human connection. This transformative relationship style emerges when individuals with a history of insecure attachment patterns develop healthier, more adaptive ways of connecting with others over time. Through a combination of self-awareness, intentional relationship skills, and a willingness to challenge emotional defenses, individuals can overcome their initial attachment insecurities and forge secure, fulfilling relationships.

Some of the signs of earned secure attachment include:

• Individuals with earned secure attachment demonstrate a strong understanding of their emotions and can identify how their attachment history influences their current behavior in relationships.
• They can clearly and openly express their needs, feelings, and boundaries while being receptive and empathetic towards their partner’s emotions and needs.
• Earned secure attachment is characterized by a foundation of trust, dependability, and consistency within relationships, allowing for deeper intimacy and vulnerability.
• These individuals can navigate conflicts and challenges in their relationships with resilience, utilizing healthy coping strategies to manage stress and maintain emotional balance.
• They establish and maintain clear boundaries while respecting their partner’s boundaries, fostering a sense of personal identity and mutual respect within the relationship.
• Individuals with earned secure attachment are emotionally available, supportive, and responsive to their partner’s emotional needs, promoting a sense of security and connection.

The journey towards earned secure attachment begins with cultivating emotional self-awareness. This involves engaging in introspection and examining one’s attachment patterns to understand how they impact relationships. As individuals become more attuned to their emotional responses, they can recognize when their behaviors or reactions may stem from an insecure attachment style.

Simultaneously, developing intentional relationship skills is crucial for fostering earned secure attachment. This includes learning and practicing healthy communication techniques, such as expressing emotions and needs clearly and assertively while remaining open and empathetic to others’ perspectives. Emotional regulation and the willingness to be vulnerable also contribute to the development of stronger, more authentic connections.

The journey towards earned secure attachment demonstrates our remarkable capacity for growth and transformation in the face of past adversity. As individuals embrace this process, they not only foster resilience and emotional well-being but also create a foundation for lasting, meaningful relationships. This powerful transformation offers hope to those seeking to overcome insecure attachment and create a brighter, more connected future.

How to develop earned secure attachment

1. Identify your attachment style 

Identifying your attachment style is a critical first step in developing earned secure attachment. By understanding your unique patterns of connection and emotional response, you can gain valuable insights into how to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships. There are four primary attachment styles, each with distinct characteristics and implications for emotional connection.

The four attachment styles are:

Secure: Individuals with a secure attachment style exhibit comfort with intimacy, trust in their partners, and effective communication of their needs.

Anxious: Those with an anxious attachment style tend to crave intimacy but may experience insecurity, fear of rejection, and heightened sensitivity in their relationships.

Avoidant: People with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with emotional closeness, value independence over intimacy, and may appear distant or dismissive in their connections.

Disorganised: Individuals with a disorganized attachment style exhibit unpredictable patterns in their relationships, often experiencing intense fear or confusion around intimacy.

To determine your attachment style and unlock personalized strategies for cultivating earned secure attachment, take our attachment quiz. With greater self-awareness and tailored guidance, you’ll be well on your way to fostering healthier, more satisfying relationships and embracing the transformative power of earned secure attachment.

2. Practice self-reflection

Engaging in self-reflection on your attachment patterns is an essential aspect of fostering earned secure attachment. By exploring your unique emotional responses and behaviors within relationships, you can develop a deeper understanding of how your attachment style has evolved as a protective mechanism. This curiosity and introspection enable you to approach your connections with greater compassion and intentionality.

Start by observing your emotional reactions in various relationship scenarios, such as when a partner seeks closeness, expresses vulnerability, or engages in conflict. Notice any patterns that emerge, and consider how these responses may have protected you from perceived threats or emotional pain in the past. For instance, an avoidant attachment style might have shielded you from rejection or disappointment, while an anxious style may have served as a vigilant defense against potential abandonment.

As you gain awareness of your attachment patterns, approach them with curiosity and non-judgment. Recognize that these strategies emerged as a means of navigating the complex emotional landscape of human connection. By honoring their protective role while acknowledging their limitations, you can begin to reframe your attachment style and work towards cultivating the emotional security that fosters healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

3. Create an internal attachment figure

Creating an internal attachment figure is a powerful tool in fostering earned secure attachment. By cultivating a nurturing, supportive inner voice, you establish a secure base within yourself – one that can offer comfort, reassurance, and guidance as you navigate your relationships. This practice can help diminish feelings of anxiety and insecurity, promoting greater emotional stability and resilience.

Start by envisioning an ideal caregiver or attachment figure – one who embodies the qualities you seek in a secure relationship, such as empathy, understanding, and consistent support. Allow this figure to become a part of your inner dialogue, offering words of wisdom and encouragement as you face challenges or experience distress in your relationships.

As you develop this internal attachment figure, you’ll begin to internalise a sense of security and self-worth that extends beyond any single relationship. This newfound resilience will enable you to approach your connections with greater confidence and authenticity, fostering healthier, more fulfilling bonds with others. By nurturing your own emotional well-being, you lay the groundwork for earned secure attachment and create a foundation for lasting, meaningful relationships.

4. Carefully evaluate partners

A proactive approach to developing an earned secure attachment involves carefully evaluating potential partners in the early stages of a relationship. By examining compatibility, emotional availability, and shared values, you can build a strong foundation for a secure and fulfilling connection while minimizing the risk of falling into familiar, unhealthy relationship patterns.

To cultivate earned secure attachment by vetting partners, invest time in learning about them, inquiring about their background, and observing their behavior to gauge emotional availability and shared values. Focus on their communication style, conflict resolution abilities, and treatment of others, as these can offer insights into their attachment style.

Stay attuned to your own attachment patterns and emotional needs, ensuring that the connection feels balanced and reciprocal. By thoughtfully selecting partners who are capable of forming secure attachments, you’ll be better equipped to develop earned secure attachment and foster relationships that are supportive, nurturing, and enduring.

5. Attune to your feelings and needs

Attuning to your feelings and needs is an essential practice in developing earned secure attachment. By cultivating a deeper understanding of your emotions and personal requirements, you equip yourself with the self-awareness necessary to create healthy, fulfilling relationships. This process empowers you to recognize when your needs are being met, as well as when a partner may not be the best fit for your emotional well-being.

Embracing emotional attunement requires introspection and mindfulness. Take time to explore your emotions, reflecting on what triggers feelings of insecurity or anxiety within your relationships. Identify patterns that may be contributing to these negative emotions and consider alternative coping mechanisms that align with your attachment goals.

As you develop a stronger connection to your feelings and needs, you’ll be better equipped to communicate them assertively and establish boundaries within your relationships. This practice cultivates an environment of trust, vulnerability, and emotional safety – all critical components of earned secure attachment. By acknowledging and prioritizing your needs, you empower yourself to seek connections that foster growth, support, and genuine connection.

6. Practice communication

A crucial part of developing earned secure attachment lies in mastering the art of emotional communication. By articulating your needs and feelings transparently and assertively, you create an environment conducive to empathy, understanding, and connection in your relationships. This open dialogue can help alleviate the fear and insecurity often associated with insecure attachment, ultimately fostering trust and emotional safety.

To achieve earned secure attachment through emotional communication, start by identifying your needs within the relationship. Communicate these needs using “I” statements, centering the conversation around your feelings and experiences, while avoiding blame or criticism toward your partner. Actively listen to your partner’s responses and collaborate to find solutions that address both of your needs.

By consistently practicing open and empathetic communication, you’ll foster earned secure attachment, building relationships based on mutual understanding, trust, and emotional connection. Remember, effective communication is a skill that improves with practice, and every conversation you have contributes to your journey toward earned secure attachment and the cultivation of strong, resilient bonds.

7. Set your standards

Standards play a pivotal role in fostering earned secure attachment, as they serve as a guiding framework for establishing healthy relationships. By setting clear expectations and communicating them effectively, you lay the foundation for a connection that nurtures your emotional needs and promotes a sense of security. Conversely, neglecting to establish standards can lead to settling for relationships that ultimately perpetuate feelings of anxiety and insecurity.

In today’s dating landscape, many individuals feel pressured to adopt a “cool girl” persona, masking their genuine needs and desires to appear more desirable. However, this approach often backfires, as it not only undermines personal values but also attracts partners who are unable or unwilling to meet those needs. In essence, the pursuit of being the “cool girl” can inadvertently contribute to maintaining unhealthy relationships that exacerbate anxious attachment patterns.

By embracing your needs and communicating them assertively, you may inadvertently scare away partners who are incompatible or unwilling to invest in a secure, healthy connection. Simultaneously, this honesty will naturally attract individuals who share your values and are eager to build a relationship that aligns with your standards. In doing so, you pave the way for earned secure attachment and cultivate a sense of trust, intimacy, and vulnerability in your relationships. Remember, authenticity is the cornerstone of any successful connection, and having standards ensures that you honor your own needs while fostering a supportive, emotionally fulfilling partnership.

8. Heal the child within

Healing the child within is a transformative process that can pave the way for earned secure attachment. This journey involves addressing unresolved emotional wounds from childhood, fostering self-compassion, and reparenting your inner child to cultivate a stronger sense of security and self-worth.

Begin by acknowledging the unmet needs and painful experiences of your inner child. Extend empathy and understanding to this younger version of yourself, recognizing that their experiences have shaped your attachment style and emotional landscape. By offering compassion to your inner child, you create a foundation for healing and growth.

Next, engage in reparenting by providing the emotional nurturance and support that may have been absent during your formative years. Visualize your current self as a loving caregiver, offering guidance, reassurance, and unconditional love to your inner child. This process enables you to rewrite your attachment narrative, fostering earned secure attachment and promoting emotional resilience in your adult relationships. As you heal the child within, you’ll discover greater capacity for trust, vulnerability, and genuine connection with others.

9. Seek emotional support

Learning to seek emotional support is a vital skill for developing earned secure attachment. By recognizing the value of vulnerability and leaning on trusted individuals during times of need, you can build a network of connection and understanding that bolsters your emotional well-being. 

This process fosters resilience and trust, both crucial components of secure attachment.

Start by identifying individuals in your life who have demonstrated empathy, emotional availability, and consistent support. These may be friends, family members, or even mental health professionals. Acknowledge any hesitation or discomfort you might feel when seeking help, and remember that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.

As you begin to reach out for support, practice expressing your feelings and needs clearly and directly. Communicate your desire for understanding or assistance, and be open to the empathy and guidance offered by those who care for you. With time and practice, seeking emotional support will become more natural, and you’ll experience the transformative power of secure connection in fostering resilience, self-worth, and emotional well-being.

Build earned secure attachment

Transforming attachment patterns towards earned secure attachment requires a more profound approach than conventional self-help methods such as journaling, affirmations, and workbooks. While these techniques offer valuable insights into attachment theory, addressing attachment trauma necessitates targeting its subconscious origins.

To effectively cultivate earned secure attachment, focusing on subconscious strategies that foster inner resilience and stability is essential. By identifying and addressing the root causes of attachment trauma and nurturing a solid sense of security within, individuals can experience transformative growth and create healthier, thriving relationships.

Our Heal Insecure Attachment course guides participants through the process of managing anxiety and nurturing their inner child, enabling the release of emotional energy and cultivating an internal secure attachment style. This comprehensive course provides over 6 hours of video content and therapeutic meditations, equipping participants with practical tools to explore subconscious patterns related to anxious attachment and facilitate their integration.

By embracing this somatic and emotion-focused approach, participants can address the core issues underlying anxious attachment and learn how to overcome anxious preoccupied attachment, paving the way for secure relationships and overall well-being.

Explore our Heal Insecure Attachment course to embark on a journey of self-discovery, inner healing, and personal growth. By addressing the signs of anxious attachment at their source, individuals can develop an earned secure attachment style, laying the foundation for healthier relationships and a more balanced, fulfilling life.

Therapy

I recommend internal family systems therapy for integrating the parts of you that carry fear and insecurity from the past, so you can strengthen your wise, secure adult self and create secure relationships.

8 Signs of Relationship Anxiety and How to Heal 

Have you ever felt the overwhelming feeling of relationship anxiety and uncertainty in a relationship? 

You feel the weight of anxiety pressing on your heart, overthinking every text, every glance, and every silence. Perhaps you’re struggling with uncertainty, worrying about how the other person feels about you and you can’t seem to stop overthinking. You might be going around in circles in your head asking: “Are they emotionally available? Are they committed? Are they going to become more consistent? How do they feel about me? What are they thinking and feeling? What’s going to happen?

Relationship anxiety can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. 

You’re filled with self-doubt, fear, and insecurity. You might struggle to trust the relationship’s stability or find it hard to believe that someone truly cares for you.

I know fully well how painful and agonising this can be and how it can feel like torture. 

Dismissive and ignorant people who don’t know what this experience is like can dismiss our emotional reaction and tell us that we’re being dramatic. 

Emotionally unavailable partners or emotionally immature parents can make this situation worse by dismissing our experience, telling us that we need to “calm down” or “let it go”. But calm down for who? Let it go for who?

Regardless of what other people think and what their defenses may be, relationship anxiety can be incredibly distressing. 

Relationship anxiety is the manifestation of attachment trauma

Those who have experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and emotional deprivation growing up, will understand that when you grow up without the privilege of secure attachment and you don’t have an adult to go to to comfort you and calm you down, can mean that you spend the majority of your upbringing dealing with your feelings and emotions alone. 

This is why later in your adult life, emotional triggers of uncertainty, lack of responsiveness, invalidation or emotional distance can take us all the way back to the little girl that once felt abandoned. 

The importance of attachment for feeling secure 

Usually, when a child is distressed, an attentive adult will pick them up, soothe them, and offer the comfort they need to feel safe. This consistent response allows the child to learn that the world is a secure place, that their needs matter, and that they can trust others to be there for them. Over time, this nurtures a balanced, regulated nervous system and helps the child develop a “secure base”—a sense of stability from a caregiver they can rely on, even when things feel uncertain.

However, for some, this vital experience is missing. If caregivers are unavailable, dismissive, or inconsistent in their responses, the child doesn’t receive the comfort they need. 

The baby’s nervous system remains in a state of distress, never fully learning to feel safe or to self-soothe. Instead of developing security, they grow up with an overactive sense of vigilance, always scanning for potential threats or signs of rejection. Without a secure base, they may feel a persistent sense of anxiety, especially in relationships where they seek the stability they missed in childhood.

This lack of a secure base can make it difficult to trust, feel secure, or truly relax in relationships. When triggered, their nervous system may enter a state of fight, flight, or freeze, even when there’s no real danger. Instead of comfort, relationships can bring intense relationship anxiety that can lead to overthinking about what’s going to happen and trying to analyze how someone else thinks and feels about them.

It can also lead to intense separation anxiety when a partner leaves. Separation can be highly triggering for someone with an anxious attachment style and it can lead to feelings of helplessness, powerlessness and hopelessness.

The emotional pain can be so strong it almost feels like it’s never going to end, because that’s how they felt as a child. Instead of having a supportive and predictable parent to lean on, it’s likely they have abandonment trauma, where they have repetitive experience of a parent leaving them or growing up with parents who were dismissive and emotionally disconnected. They might have also experienced emotional abuse from a parent who used abandonment punishment in an attempt to get them to stop crying or being distressed, such as locking them in their bedroom for hours, or making them sit on a step alone and hitting them.

What is hysterical is historical

When we find ourselves in relationships, feeling intense waves of relationship anxiety or having emotional reactions that feel disproportionate to what’s happening, it’s often because those heightened feelings are rooted in the past. 

As adults in relationships, we might become overly sensitive to potential rejection, taking even minor actions—like a delayed text response or a lack of empathy in a partner’s response—as signs that the other person is rejecting us. Our nervous system, still wired from early abandonment, may go into a heightened state of anxiety, flooding us with fear and insecurity. This can lead us to overreact, over-please, or withdraw, all in an attempt to protect ourselves from feeling abandoned again.

By recognising the connection between our present feelings and past experiences, we can start to unravel the patterns and work toward building healthier, more secure relationships.

So with that let’s explore the signs of relationship anxiety.

1. Constant Need for Reassurance

Relationship anxiety often creates a need for constant reassurance from a partner. This might look like frequently asking if they still love you, if they’re truly committed, or if they’re happy in the relationship. While occasional reassurance is normal, relationship anxiety can make this need feel insatiable, leaving you dependent on your partner’s validation to feel secure. You may find yourself returning to the same questions, hoping for comfort, yet rarely feeling fully reassured.

The challenge here is that relationship anxiety fuels a cycle of seeking affirmation and still feeling unsettled, which can strain the relationship. Over time, partners may feel the pressure of having to constantly reassure you, which can lead to misunderstandings or even frustration. Breaking this cycle requires a balance—learning to offer yourself reassurance and trust, which helps lessen the hold that relationship anxiety has on your emotions.

2. Overanalyzing Communication

When relationship anxiety is present, even a small pause in communication can trigger a spiral of worry. You may catch yourself dissecting every text message, rereading conversations, and reading into the timing or tone of responses, searching for hidden meanings. This tendency to overanalyze, driven by relationship anxiety, can lead to unnecessary stress and emotional exhaustion, as your mind races to interpret every detail in your partner’s words and actions.

The constant need to analyze can become a habit that’s hard to break, especially if you feel anxious about your partner’s commitment. Relationship anxiety makes it difficult to relax and trust in the natural flow of communication, leaving you vulnerable to insecurity with each perceived “sign.” Learning to reframe these moments, focusing on trusting the overall relationship rather than individual texts or pauses, can help reduce anxiety and build confidence in your partner’s feelings.

3. Fear of Abandonment

One of the most profound signs of relationship anxiety is a deep-seated fear of abandonment. This fear often stems from past experiences where trust was broken, or from insecure attachments formed in childhood. Relationship anxiety can make you feel as though you’re always at risk of being left, even when there’s no actual evidence to suggest your partner intends to leave. This fear creates an undercurrent of unease, leaving you feeling on edge and hypervigilant to any signs of disinterest.

This fear can create a constant state of emotional tension, leading you to second-guess your partner’s actions and assume the worst. Relationship anxiety’s effect on abandonment fears often results in behaviors like clinging, excessive worry, or seeking reassurance. Recognizing and addressing this fear allows you to build resilience, helping you feel more grounded and trusting in your relationships.

4. Difficulty Trusting

Relationship anxiety can make it challenging to fully trust a partner, even if they’ve never given you a reason to doubt them. You might feel an underlying suspicion, fearing betrayal or rejection, despite a lack of evidence. This lack of trust, fueled by relationship anxiety, can lead to actions like checking their phone, scrutinizing their social media, or feeling unsettled when they’re around others.

This erosion of trust doesn’t just impact you—it can also harm the relationship. Relationship anxiety can become a wedge, making your partner feel that their integrity is being questioned. Building trust starts with acknowledging these anxious tendencies and finding ways to create a sense of security within yourself, which helps reduce the hold of anxiety and fosters a more trusting connection.

5. Self-Sabotage and Testing

Relationship anxiety sometimes manifests as self-sabotaging behaviors, where you might test your partner’s commitment by pushing them away, picking fights, or creating emotional distance. The anxiety makes you want proof of your partner’s devotion, and testing their responses can seem like a way to find it. However, these self-sabotaging behaviors, driven by relationship anxiety, often have the opposite effect, creating unnecessary conflict and emotional distance.

The root of these behaviors lies in a fear of vulnerability and rejection. Relationship anxiety may make you feel as though you need to “protect” yourself by putting up barriers, even when you crave closeness. Recognizing these patterns helps you shift focus from testing to trusting, allowing you to foster healthier, more balanced interactions with your partner.

6. Avoidance of Vulnerability

Relationship anxiety can create a strong urge to avoid vulnerability, even when a part of you wants closeness and intimacy. Fearful of being hurt or rejected, you might hold back on sharing your true thoughts or emotions, keeping your guard up to protect yourself. This avoidance, fueled by relationship anxiety, prevents you from connecting fully and may lead your partner to feel shut out or disconnected.

The need to stay guarded often stems from past experiences where vulnerability was met with disappointment or criticism. Relationship anxiety tricks you into believing that sharing your feelings will lead to rejection or betrayal. Learning to gradually open up, at a pace you’re comfortable with, can help you build emotional resilience and create a stronger, more trusting bond with your partner.

7. Attachment to Outcomes

A strong attachment to outcomes is a common sign of relationship anxiety, where you may fixate on questions like, “Will this work out?” or “Is this person ‘the one’?” Relationship anxiety makes it difficult to enjoy the present moment, drawing your focus to future outcomes rather than allowing the relationship to develop naturally. This preoccupation with the future can prevent you from fully experiencing and appreciating the connection as it unfolds.

This outcome-based mindset, influenced by relationship anxiety, can lead to pressure and unrealistic expectations. When you’re constantly focused on what’s next, it’s challenging to relax and appreciate what’s here now. Shifting your mindset to embrace the present, and trusting that the future will unfold in time, can bring a sense of peace and fulfillment that helps alleviate relationship anxiety.

8. Physical Symptoms of Anxiety

Relationship anxiety doesn’t just impact your thoughts and emotions—it can also show up in your body. You might notice physical symptoms such as trouble sleeping, muscle tension, digestive issues, or even panic attacks, especially when relationship insecurities arise. These physical manifestations are often a result of chronic stress caused by relationship anxiety, as your nervous system remains on high alert.

Physical symptoms are your body’s way of signaling that something deeper needs attention. Addressing these physical symptoms alongside emotional work can help alleviate the toll that relationship anxiety takes on your overall well-being. Practicing grounding techniques, engaging in self-care, and finding supportive ways to calm your nervous system can help lessen the physical and emotional impact of relationship anxiety, allowing you to approach relationships from a place of greater peace and stability.

9. Difficulty Setting and Respecting Boundaries

Relationship anxiety can make it challenging to set and maintain personal boundaries, often due to a fear of rejection or conflict. You might worry that asserting your needs will push your partner away or cause tension, so instead, you overextend yourself or go along with things that make you uncomfortable to keep the peace. This lack of boundaries, influenced by relationship anxiety, can leave you feeling drained and resentful, as your needs often end up taking a back seat to the relationship.

Without clear boundaries, relationship anxiety can lead you to prioritize your partner’s happiness over your own, which can prevent you from expressing your true self. Over time, this erodes trust and self-respect, which are crucial for a healthy relationship. Learning to set boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable, helps to build mutual respect and strengthens the foundation of the relationship.

10. Perfectionism and Fear of Making Mistakes

Relationship anxiety can also show up as perfectionism, where you feel an intense need to be “perfect” to avoid any mistakes that might put the relationship at risk. You might feel pressured to say the right things, avoid conflict, or go above and beyond to meet your partner’s expectations. Relationship anxiety drives this perfectionism out of fear that any misstep could lead to rejection or criticism, making it difficult to relax and be yourself in the relationship.

This perfectionism fueled by relationship anxiety often creates an exhausting cycle of self-monitoring and overcompensating, leaving you feeling as though you’re walking on eggshells. Overcoming this requires embracing self-acceptance and understanding that true connection doesn’t rely on perfection but on authenticity. Allowing yourself to be imperfect and genuine helps to alleviate the pressure relationship anxiety creates and encourages a more open, trusting connection.

Healing relationship anxiety takes time, self-compassion, and the willingness to address deep-rooted fears. Here are some strategies to help:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness and Identify Triggers

Start by noticing the specific situations that trigger your relationship anxiety. Is it when your partner doesn’t respond right away, or when they spend time apart from you? Understanding your triggers allows you to anticipate and work through these feelings, rather than being caught off guard. Journaling or talking with a therapist can be especially helpful in exploring the underlying causes of your anxiety and recognizing patterns in your thoughts and reactions.

2. Develop Self-Soothing Techniques

Learning to calm yourself in moments of heightened anxiety is crucial. Practice grounding techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or guided imagery to help bring you back to the present. Engaging in calming activities such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature can also help regulate your nervous system, reducing the physical symptoms of relationship anxiety and allowing you to approach situations with a clearer mind.

3. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Relationship anxiety often involves distorted thoughts, such as assuming the worst or doubting your worth in the relationship. When anxious thoughts arise, challenge them by asking yourself, “Is this thought based on facts, or is it a fear?” Reframing these thoughts and focusing on positive aspects of the relationship can help shift your perspective and reduce anxiety over time. Practicing self-compassion and reminding yourself of your value helps reinforce a more balanced outlook.

4. Build a Secure Sense of Self

Relationship anxiety often stems from self-doubt and a lack of confidence. Spend time nurturing your sense of self-worth and building a life that fulfills you independently of your partner. Engaging in hobbies, pursuing personal goals, and spending time with supportive friends and family can create a strong foundation, giving you confidence and security from within. As you develop this independence, you’ll feel less reliant on the relationship to provide a sense of stability, which can significantly reduce relationship anxiety.

5. Heal the abandonment wound

A crucial step in healing relationship anxiety is identifying any abandonment fears that may fuel it. Relationship anxiety is often rooted in past experiences of emotional neglect or inconsistent support, leading to a heightened fear of being left or rejected. Acknowledging these abandonment fears and exploring their origins—whether in past relationships or formative years—can help lessen their grip. Working through these fears with a therapist, journaling, or using supportive outlets allows you to gradually release old patterns, making it easier to trust in your current relationship without the weight of past abandonment shaping your experience.

6. Create emotional safety with boundaries

Establishing emotional safety through boundaries can greatly reduce relationship anxiety. This involves identifying and respecting your own emotional needs, giving yourself permission to set boundaries that protect your peace. By setting limits around things like how often you check for messages or allowing yourself space to self-soothe before seeking reassurance, you create a sense of inner security. For example, if consistency is important to you, you might ask your partner for daily check-ins to meet your emotional need for consistency. Having this personal foundation allows you to approach the relationship with less fear and anxiety.

7. Practice Open Communication 

Building secure attachment habits, like open communication and balanced vulnerability, helps reduce relationship anxiety. Rather than bottling up concerns, express your feelings calmly and clearly to your partner. Practicing trust-building behaviors, like giving them the benefit of the doubt and focusing on positive interactions, can strengthen the relationship and lessen anxious thoughts. Over time, these secure habits help you feel safer in your connection, creating a foundation for lasting peace and confidence in your relationship.

Final thoughts on relationship anxiety

Relationship anxiety can feel overwhelming and all-consuming, affecting not only your emotional well-being but also your connection with your partner. 

It’s important to remember, though, that relationship anxiety doesn’t define you or your ability to experience secure, loving relationships. While it may stem from past experiences or fears, relationship anxiety can be managed and gradually healed with the right approaches.

It’s important to explore your relationship anxiety with the utmost self-compassion. Remember, it’s not your fault that you experience relationship anxiety and with the right compassionate guidance, you CAN drastically reduce your relationship anxiety.

I know first hand, how difficult and impossible it may feel to overcome this anxiety, and through deep healing, I’ve been able to drastically reduce my anxiety. 

Healing isn’t linear

Healing isn’t linear and there may be moments when our abandoned inner child gets triggered again. But that doesn’t mean we’re not healing and we’re broken. Instead, it’s a natural part of the healing process, where we’re being invited to explore our emotional world with deeper self-awareness and self compassion. 

Perhaps it’s a message to remind us of our boundaries, perhaps it’s a reminder to not suppress our feelings and needs and be brave about what we need in a relationship to feel secure. 

It’s ok. You’re ok.

The journey to overcoming relationship anxiety is about building a foundation of self-compassion, self-awareness, and trust. By addressing the root causes and learning to soothe anxious thoughts, you create a sense of inner stability that can transform your relationships. As you work to develop a stronger sense of self-worth and build secure attachment skills, you’ll find it easier to connect in healthy ways that aren’t dominated by fear, and if your relationship anxiety does reappear, you’ll have plenty of tools in your toolkit to manage the feeling and prevent you from feeling overwhelmed by relationship anxiety when you’re not setting boundaries.

Each step toward healing deepens your understanding of yourself and what you truly need from a relationship, creating space for more authentic, fulfilling connections. Remember, overcoming relationship anxiety is a process—be patient with yourself and celebrate every step forward.

Therapy

If you’d like to explore personal therapy for processing attachment fears and move towards secure attachment I recommend internal family systems therapy. This approach helps you release energies, integrate your inner child and strengthen the sense of your secure adult self. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

Separation Anxiety in Adults

Do you often feel an intense wave of panic or sadness when a loved one leaves? 

Have you ever experienced an overwhelming sense of dread when anticipating a separation? 

Perhaps you feel a sense of overwhelming unease when anticipating a departure? 

If so, you may be experiencing separation anxiety in adults. Although separation anxiety is often associated with childhood, many adults struggle with these same intense feelings of anxiety and fear of being apart from loved ones.

Separation anxiety in adults can manifest as a heightened emotional response, such as sadness, worry, or even physical symptoms like nausea or a racing heart, whenever a significant person in one’s life isn’t nearby. 

For a long time, I used to suffer with separation anxiety and 1 day before I was leaving family or a loved one, I would have terrible anxiety.

When it came to leaving and getting on the train I would cry hysterically, because as a child I had a history of parental abandonment. 

Separation anxiety in adults is something that can have an impact on our emotional wellbeing. It can lead to an anxiety about meeting up with a friend as an anticipation of the feelings of abandonment and it can create difficulty maintaining relationships and focusing on other tasks. 

These symptoms may seem challenging, but they are far more common than we might think, and understanding the roots of these feelings can help us find ways to manage them.

For some, separation anxiety in adults stems from unresolved childhood attachment issues, while for others, it may arise due to traumatic experiences or deep-rooted fears of loss. 

Recognizing and addressing these feelings is the first step toward building healthier relationships and achieving greater emotional independence. In this post, we’ll explore the causes, signs, and effective coping strategies for separation anxiety in adults, offering tools to navigate this complex emotional experience.

In this blog post, we’ll delve into separation anxiety in adults, signs, causes, impact and the steps to overcome separation anxiety in adults. 

What is separation anxiety in adults?

Separation anxiety in adults is an emotional condition that involves intense worry and distress when separated from loved ones, whether it’s a partner, family member, or close friend. 

While commonly associated with children, separation anxiety can continue into adulthood and often looks different in this stage of life. For adults, this form of anxiety can manifest as an overwhelming fear of being alone or a persistent worry about a loved one’s well-being during times of separation. These feelings are usually disproportionate to the actual situation, causing significant emotional distress and often affecting daily functioning.

Separation anxiety in adults may feel a sense of dread or panic at the thought of being apart from their attachment figures. This could mean frequently checking in on a partner, avoiding social situations that might lead to separation, or even feeling physically ill at the thought of time away from their loved ones. In many cases, separation anxiety in adults leads to behaviours that create challenges in relationships, as the individual may struggle with excessive worry or display clingy behaviors. This not only affects their well-being but can also strain relationships with the people they care most about.

Experts believe that separation anxiety in adults often has roots in past experiences, such as unresolved attachment issues from childhood, traumatic events, or significant losses that lead to a heightened sensitivity to being alone. Other times, separation anxiety in adults may emerge from insecure attachment styles, where individuals feel more emotionally dependent on others for their sense of stability and self-worth. Though difficult, recognizing these feelings and understanding where they stem from is crucial. With this awareness, separation anxiety in adults can begin to address these fears and find ways to manage their emotions more effectively.

In some cases, separation anxiety in adults may be connected to or even misinterpreted as other types of anxiety disorders, like generalized anxiety disorder or social anxiety. Unlike these, however, separation anxiety in adults specifically centers on the fear of being apart from someone significant in one’s life. For this reason, it often requires a tailored approach to coping and treatment, which may involve therapy, self-help strategies, or lifestyle adjustments aimed at fostering emotional independence and resilience.

Signs of separation anxiety in adults

Persistent Worry About Loved Ones’ Safety

One of the key signs of separation anxiety in adults is a constant, often overwhelming worry about the well-being and safety of a loved one when they’re not around. Adults experiencing separation anxiety might frequently imagine worst-case scenarios, fearing that something bad could happen to the person they’re attached to. This concern can be intense, leading to repeated checking behaviors, such as calling or texting loved ones multiple times a day to make sure they are safe. This need for reassurance can be distressing for both the individual and those they’re close to, as it often creates strain in relationships and reinforces the cycle of anxiety.

Fear of Abandonment or Rejection

Another common sign of separation anxiety in adults is an intense fear of being abandoned or rejected by significant others. This fear often emerges even if there is no real threat of abandonment, causing the person to feel insecure and anxious in their relationships. Individuals may find themselves hyper-aware of their partner’s actions, interpreting small cues as signs of impending rejection. This heightened sensitivity can lead to behaviors that may seem clingy or dependent, as the person with separation anxiety seeks constant reassurance that they won’t be left behind. Such fears, when left unchecked, can negatively affect their emotional health and the overall stability of their relationships.

Emotional Distress at the Prospect of Separation

A hallmark of separation anxiety in adults is a deep emotional distress when thinking about or experiencing separation from a loved one. This distress may range from feelings of sadness and loneliness to more intense emotions such as panic, anger, or despair. For some, this discomfort may start days before an anticipated separation, creating a prolonged period of anxiety. The dread of separation can sometimes cause people to avoid situations that require them to be apart, even if these moments are temporary. This avoidance can interfere with personal goals, social activities, and professional responsibilities, making it harder to maintain a balanced and fulfilling life.

Physical Symptoms Associated with Anxiety

Separation anxiety in adults doesn’t only manifest as emotional symptoms; it often involves physical symptoms as well. Individuals with separation anxiety may experience a racing heart, shortness of breath, sweating, nausea, or dizziness when faced with separation from someone close to them. These physical reactions are the body’s way of responding to perceived danger, even if the actual situation isn’t life-threatening. Over time, these symptoms can take a toll on physical health, as the body remains in a heightened state of alert due to frequent bouts of anxiety. Recognizing these physical signs is crucial for addressing separation anxiety holistically.

Constant Need for Reassurance

A continual need for reassurance is another sign of separation anxiety in adults. To ease their fears, individuals with separation anxiety may seek frequent affirmations from loved ones, often needing to hear that they are cared for and will not be left behind. This can lead to behaviors like excessive texting, asking repeated questions about the other person’s feelings, or seeking validation through social media. While reassurance can provide temporary relief, it can also reinforce dependency on others for emotional security. This cycle can be challenging to break without conscious effort, as it perpetuates the belief that reassurance from others is the only way to feel safe.

Difficulty Concentrating on Daily Activities

For many people with separation anxiety in adults, the fear of being apart from a loved one can be so consuming that it affects their ability to focus on everyday tasks. Individuals may find their thoughts frequently drifting back to concerns about their loved one’s well-being or whether they might lose that person. This can impair concentration and make it challenging to perform well at work, in school, or in other areas of life. Difficulty concentrating due to anxiety often becomes a source of additional stress, as individuals struggle to balance their personal worries with their responsibilities, leading to feelings of frustration and inadequacy.

Avoidance of Activities That Require Separation

Separation anxiety in adults may go to great lengths to avoid activities or situations that require them to be apart from someone close. This avoidance can manifest in various ways, from not wanting to travel for work to declining invitations to social gatherings if they involve being away from a partner. For some, the anxiety of separation is so intense that they limit their social and professional opportunities, sacrificing independence and personal growth. Over time, this avoidance can lead to isolation, decreased self-esteem, and a restricted lifestyle, all of which can exacerbate anxiety and negatively impact overall quality of life.

Reluctance to Engage in Independent Activities

A reluctance to engage in activities alone is another indicator of separation anxiety in adults. Individuals may feel uncomfortable going to places or engaging in hobbies by themselves, often preferring to have a partner or friend by their side at all times. This dependency can make it difficult to cultivate personal interests or pursue self-improvement, as the individual might feel incomplete or insecure without their attachment figure. This reluctance to explore independence reinforces the cycle of separation anxiety, as the person increasingly associates security with physical proximity to their loved one, limiting their ability to grow as an individual.

Separation anxiety in adults 

Separation anxiety in adults can impact relationships, touching on the various emotional, behavioral, and interpersonal challenges.

Challenges with Trust and Emotional Independence

Separation anxiety in adults can significantly impact their relationships, particularly when it comes to trust and emotional independence. Separation anxiety in adults often experience a deep-rooted fear of abandonment, which can lead to behaviors that seek constant reassurance from their partner. This need for validation and confirmation of the relationship’s stability can place strain on both partners, as the anxious individual may seem overly dependent or distrustful. 

Such behaviors can make it difficult for their partner to feel trusted and can create a cycle where one partner feels smothered while the other feels insecure. This imbalance can erode the natural rhythm of a relationship, causing communication breakdowns and tension over time.

Increased Need for Reassurance and Closeness

Another impact of separation anxiety in adults on relationships is the heightened need for closeness and continual reassurance. Individuals experiencing separation anxiety might frequently reach out to their partner, ask about their whereabouts, or check in to ensure everything is okay. 

This persistent need for contact may lead to misunderstandings, as a partner could interpret it as a lack of confidence in the relationship or as overly dependent behavior. Over time, these repeated requests for reassurance can create a dynamic where one partner feels burdened, potentially leading to frustration or even withdrawal. The constant need for proximity may also interfere with each partner’s personal space, which is essential for maintaining a balanced relationship.

Possessiveness and Fear of Losing the Relationship

Separation anxiety in adults can also manifest as possessive or controlling behaviors due to a fear of losing the relationship. This fear of loss may prompt the anxious individual to monitor their partner’s actions more closely, or even question their activities and social interactions. 

Although this behavior may stem from a place of insecurity rather than control, it can cause tension within the relationship, as the partner may feel restricted or unfairly scrutinized. Over time, these possessive tendencies can erode the trust between partners and create a pattern where the anxious individual feels even more insecure, while the partner may start to feel resentment. Such dynamics can make it difficult for both individuals to feel free and trusted within the relationship.

Avoidance of Time Apart and Restriction of Individual Growth

Separation anxiety in adults can make it challenging to allow space for individual pursuits, hobbies, and friendships. As a result, they may avoid situations that require spending time apart, potentially restricting both partners from engaging in personal growth and independence. This reluctance to be apart can impact each person’s ability to pursue their interests or goals individually, making the relationship feel limiting rather than supportive. 

Over time, this dynamic can diminish the sense of individuality in the relationship, as one or both partners may sacrifice their personal interests to maintain proximity. In a healthy relationship, time apart is essential for cultivating self-identity and bringing renewed energy into the partnership, which can be compromised when separation anxiety is present.

Potential for Relationship Burnout

Separation anxiety in adults can lead to relationship burnout, where the partner without separation anxiety begins to feel exhausted by the demands placed on them. Constantly needing to reassure, check-in, and accommodate the anxious partner’s fears can create a sense of emotional fatigue. In some cases, the partner may feel overwhelmed or unable to meet the anxious individual’s needs, leading to increased tension and possible withdrawal. 

This burnout effect not only affects the relationship but can also take a toll on each partner’s mental health, reducing both partners’ ability to engage in a fulfilling and mutually supportive connection. If left unaddressed, this burnout can be a significant barrier to long-term relationship success.

Struggles with Personal Boundaries and Space

Separation anxiety in adults often struggle with personal boundaries, finding it difficult to balance closeness with a partner’s need for independence. Because the anxious partner may feel uneasy or even distressed during times of separation, they might unintentionally push boundaries by seeking constant contact or asking for frequent reassurances. 

This can create tension if the partner feels their personal space is being compromised. Healthy relationships require a balance between togetherness and autonomy, and when this balance is disrupted, it can lead to feelings of resentment or even guilt. Learning to respect each other’s boundaries is essential in addressing separation anxiety in adults, as it allows both partners to feel valued and secure within the relationship.

Negative Cycle of Anxiety and Miscommunication

Miscommunication is common in relationships affected by separation anxiety in adults. Anxiety-driven behaviors, such as frequent texting or calling, may be intended as expressions of love or concern but can be misinterpreted by the partner as mistrust or insecurity. This miscommunication can lead to frustration on both sides, as the anxious individual may feel misunderstood, while the partner may feel overwhelmed by the perceived lack of confidence. 

Such misunderstandings can create a negative cycle, where one partner’s actions are misread, leading to defensive or avoidant responses from the other. To break this cycle, it’s essential for both partners to practice clear and compassionate communication, understanding the roots of these anxieties, and creating a safe space for open dialogue.

Unresolved Childhood Attachment Issues

One of the most common root causes of separation anxiety in adults is unresolved attachment issues from childhood. During early development, children form attachments with caregivers that provide a foundation for future relationships. When this attachment is insecure—often due to inconsistent caregiving, neglect, or loss—the child may develop anxious attachment patterns that persist into adulthood. Adults who experienced these disruptions in early attachment are more likely to fear abandonment, struggle with trusting others, and feel uneasy when separated from loved ones. These early attachment issues can manifest as a constant need for reassurance and a heightened sensitivity to separation, both key features of separation anxiety in adults.

Past Trauma and Significant Losses

Another contributing factor to separation anxiety in adults is past trauma or the experience of significant loss. Events such as the death of a loved one, a traumatic breakup, or other life-altering separations can leave a lasting impact on one’s emotional well-being. For some individuals, these experiences create a heightened fear of being alone or losing someone close to them, leading to separation anxiety. These past traumas can activate an instinct to protect oneself from further pain, which can lead to intense anxiety when facing any form of separation. The person may constantly fear that they will be left again, making it challenging to maintain a balanced sense of security in relationships.

Insecure Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships

Separation anxiety in adults is also closely linked to specific attachment styles formed within romantic relationships. Adults who develop an insecure attachment style—whether anxious or avoidant—often experience heightened feelings of dependency or fear of rejection within their partnerships. Anxiously attached individuals may experience constant worry about their partner’s loyalty and fear abandonment, which can cause them to seek reassurance excessively. This attachment style reinforces separation anxiety as the individual becomes increasingly reliant on the partner to feel safe and secure, struggling to feel stable in the absence of their loved one. The fear of separation becomes both a symptom and a driver of this dependency within adult relationships.

Life Transitions and Major Changes

Major life changes can also trigger separation anxiety in adults, especially during periods of transition. Events like moving to a new city, starting a new job, or adjusting to an empty nest can bring about feelings of loneliness and uncertainty. These shifts can make individuals feel unmoored, increasing the fear of being away from those who provide a sense of security and familiarity. During these times, the anxiety surrounding separation often intensifies as adults feel more vulnerable to change. Separation anxiety in these situations may be a way of coping with the stress of uncertainty, as the individual may turn to loved ones for a sense of stability and support amidst the turbulence.

Managing separation anxiety in adults

Building Awareness and Self-Understanding

Healing separation anxiety in adults often begins with building awareness and self-understanding. Recognizing the signs of separation anxiety and understanding its roots are essential first steps in addressing it. For adults, this might mean reflecting on past experiences, including early attachments and significant life events, to understand how these moments have shaped their responses to separation. 

By exploring the underlying causes, individuals can develop a more compassionate view of their anxiety, which helps reduce self-blame and encourages a proactive approach to healing. Self-awareness also empowers adults to identify their emotional triggers, which is crucial for creating healthier responses to separation.

Healing Attachment Wounds

Healing separation anxiety in adults is about revisiting unresolved wounds from past relationships, often stemming from childhood experiences of loss, inconsistency, or emotional neglect. These wounds, stored in the subconscious, can create lasting patterns of fear around abandonment and loss. 

Through techniques such as visualization, meditation, and journaling, individuals can connect with these past experiences, offering understanding and compassion to the younger versions of themselves who felt abandoned or insecure. By releasing old attachments and affirming that they are now safe and capable, adults can begin to heal these wounds, allowing them to cultivate a more resilient and grounded sense of self.

Practicing Self-Security and Emotional Independence

Learning to cultivate a sense of self-security and emotional independence is essential for healing separation anxiety in adults. This process involves building self-confidence and nurturing interests outside of primary relationships. By engaging in hobbies, socializing with friends, or setting personal goals, individuals can begin to feel more grounded and self-reliant. 

This fosters a sense of stability and fulfillment that isn’t solely dependent on someone else’s presence. Over time, these activities contribute to a healthier balance between connection and independence, reducing the intense need for constant closeness. Practicing self-security helps adults develop a more resilient sense of identity and self-worth, which is key in overcoming separation anxiety.

Strengthening Communication and Boundaries in Relationships

Healing separation anxiety in adults also involves fostering healthy communication and boundaries within relationships. Open and honest communication with loved ones allows individuals to express their fears and needs without judgment, which can ease misunderstandings and build trust. 

Setting boundaries is equally important, as it helps both partners create a balance between closeness and personal space. Adults with separation anxiety may benefit from discussing these boundaries with their partner, finding ways to stay connected without feeling overly dependent. This process can reduce anxiety by creating a structured, predictable approach to separation, allowing each partner to feel valued and respected.

Developing Coping Mechanisms for Moments of Separation

One of the most practical ways to manage separation anxiety in adults is by developing coping mechanisms for times of separation. Techniques like deep breathing exercises, mindfulness, and visualization can help adults remain calm and grounded when experiencing anxiety. 

For instance, practicing breathing exercises during moments of stress can reduce physical symptoms of anxiety, such as a racing heart or tension. Visualization exercises, where you imagine a calm and safe place, can also help reduce feelings of unease. Developing these skills allows you to handle moments of separation with greater resilience and less fear, helping them to regain a sense of control over their emotional responses.

Finding Supportive Communities and Social Networks

Supportive social networks can play a significant role in alleviating separation anxiety in adults. When you place all of your emotional needs in one person, you become more emotionally dependent, and your wellbeing is reliant and vulnerable, as you’re putting all your eggs in one basket.

Connecting with others who share similar experiences—either through support groups, online communities, or group therapy—can provide a sense of belonging and reduce feelings of isolation. Knowing that others face similar challenges can be incredibly validating and provide insights into new coping strategies. Additionally, spending time with friends and engaging in group activities can offer meaningful connection outside of one’s primary relationship, helping you feel secure and valued within a broader community. A supportive network helps create a balanced support system, fostering emotional stability and resilience.

Practicing Self-Compassion and Patience in the Healing Journey

Healing separation anxiety in adults is a gradual process, and practicing self-compassion is vital for long-term success. For many, separation anxiety in adults has developed over years, often rooted in deep-seated emotional experiences, and it takes time to unlearn these patterns. 

Practicing self-compassion means acknowledging progress, even if small, and avoiding self-criticism when setbacks occur. Patience is crucial, as healing often involves moments of discomfort and challenge. By treating oneself with kindness, adults can create an environment where healing feels safe and attainable, reducing the shame that sometimes accompanies separation anxiety.

Seeking Growth Through New Experiences and Opportunities

Finally, embracing new experiences and stepping out of comfort zones can be transformative for adults with separation anxiety. Whether it’s traveling alone, taking a class, or trying a new hobby, engaging in unfamiliar activities can help reduce dependency and increase self-confidence. Each new experience builds resilience, showing that time spent apart from loved ones can lead to personal growth and fulfillment.

These experiences also create a foundation of memories and achievements that are independent of a relationship, helping adults realize their own capacity for joy and success. With each step toward independence, separation anxiety becomes less overwhelming, allowing for a healthier, more secure way of relating to loved ones.

Developing an Internal Secure Attachment

Building an internal secure attachment is a powerful step in healing separation anxiety in adults, as it fosters a strong sense of self-assurance and resilience that isn’t solely dependent on external relationships. 

When you can cultivate an internal sense of security, you begin to trust their own ability to manage emotions, cope with challenges, and thrive independently. This self-trust is foundational for those experiencing separation anxiety in adults, as it reduces the reliance on others for emotional stability and increases confidence in your capacity to feel secure from within.

Cultivating Self-Compassion and Emotional Acceptance

A crucial aspect of building an internal secure attachment is learning to treat oneself with compassion and acceptance. This involves acknowledging and validating one’s emotions without judgment, which helps create a safe internal environment. 

For those with separation anxiety in adults, practicing self-compassion means responding to anxious thoughts and fears as one would to a friend—with kindness, understanding, and patience. When adults learn to comfort themselves, they cultivate an inner voice that provides stability and reassurance during moments of anxiety, helping to decrease the urge to seek constant reassurance from others.

Practicing Self-Soothing Techniques

Self-soothing is an essential skill for those building an internal secure attachment, as it provides a way to manage anxious moments independently. Techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, and positive affirmations can be incredibly effective when separation anxiety arises. 

For example, taking a few moments to breathe deeply and focus on the present can help reduce anxiety, grounding the individual in the here and now rather than potential fears. Practicing positive affirmations, such as “I am safe on my own” or “I can handle this,” also reinforces self-confidence and helps adults experiencing separation anxiety rely on internal reassurance rather than external sources.

Healing Separation Anxiety in Adults: A Nervous System Approach

Separation anxiety in adults often stems from insecure attachment patterns and unresolved emotional wounds that can make independence feel challenging and separation from loved ones overwhelming. For many, the path to healing requires not only addressing these emotional wounds but also rewiring the nervous system for a healthier, more secure response to closeness and distance. Through Heal Insecure Attachment, a self-study course designed to transform attachment patterns, individuals can learn practical techniques to help soothe anxiety, build inner stability, and move toward a more emotionally independent and fulfilling life.

Integrating Secure Attachment Patterns

Heal Insecure Attachment takes a unique approach to healing by focusing on nervous system regulation, which helps you shift from anxious or insecure patterns toward secure attachment. When the nervous system is chronically activated by fears of separation or perceived threats of abandonment, it can be challenging to maintain calm and perspective. This course offers tools to recondition these responses, helping adults move out of a constant state of alertness. With nervous system techniques that include breathwork, grounding exercises, and mindful visualization, the course guides you through exercises that gradually cultivate a sense of security within. Over time, you learn to integrate secure attachment patterns, where relationships feel stable, and separation doesn’t provoke the same level of anxiety.

Cultivating Emotional Independence

One of the essential steps in overcoming separation anxiety in adults is building emotional independence, where self-assurance and confidence replace dependency on external reassurance. Heal Insecure Attachment provides practical exercises to help individuals become more attuned to their own emotional needs and self-soothe during moments of anxiety. By practicing these techniques regularly, adults develop an internal sense of stability that helps them feel grounded, even when physically apart from loved ones. This growing sense of emotional independence can be transformative, allowing individuals to maintain meaningful relationships without feeling overwhelmed by fears of abandonment.

Learning to Communicate Needs and Boundaries

Healthy communication is a vital part of addressing separation anxiety. Often, unresolved attachment issues can lead to difficulty expressing needs or setting boundaries, which can intensify feelings of insecurity. In Heal Insecure Attachment, you’ll learn effective ways to communicate needs and set boundaries with loved ones, allowing you to feel seen, heard, and valued in your relationships. This practice helps prevent misunderstandings and promotes trust, as both partners develop an understanding of each other’s needs for closeness and space. By learning to communicate openly and clearly, individuals can alleviate some of the fears that drive separation anxiety, ultimately fostering more balanced and secure relationships.

Nervous System Resilience for Lasting Change

The nervous system approach in Heal Insecure Attachment is designed not only for symptom relief but for long-term change. As you consistently practice the course’s exercises, your nervous system becomes more resilient, making it easier to manage the discomfort of separation and approach relationships with confidence. With a stronger, more balanced nervous system, adults find themselves better equipped to handle the natural ebb and flow of closeness and independence in relationships. This lasting change helps transform how you relate to yourself and others, fostering a new sense of emotional stability and inner peace.

Through Heal Insecure Attachment, individuals struggling with separation anxiety in adults can embark on a healing journey that combines nervous system regulation with attachment repair. This self-study course offers a path to inner security, empowering you to transform anxious patterns, integrate secure attachment styles, and embrace a more fulfilling, emotionally resilient way of living.

10 Signs of Secure Attachment

When it comes to building meaningful connections, knowing the signs of secure attachment can be a game changer. 

Perhaps you’re someone with an insecure attachment style and you experience fear, panic and worry in relationships and part of learning how to become securely attached is choosing securely attached people who display secure characteristics.

One of the key ways we can become more secure in our relationships is by finding partners with secure characteristics.

Individuals with secure attachment provide a sense of reliability and consistency that fosters deep trust and emotional safety. 

You’ll notice they consistently follow through on their promises, creating a stable environment where both of you can flourish. This kind of stability feels like a comforting embrace, allowing you to relax and be your authentic self without the anxiety of inconsistency, unpredictability and lack of honest communication. 

That’s why recognising and understanding the signs of secure attachment and the indicators of these signs can help you to become selective about who you allow into your life and make conscious relationship choices.

The person who you decide to do relationship with is one of the most important decisions you’ll make in your life. Our relationships have a key impact on our mental health, physical health and well-being and can be a source of stress in our life, if we don’t choose carefully, so taking your time to vet for signs of secure attachment is an important process of learning how to become securely attached.

So with that, let’s explore the signs of secure attachment and some of the indicators to look out for. 

But first, let’s look at attachment theory

Attachment theory, which was first developed by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s, suggests that a child’s early relationship with their caregivers has a lasting impact on how they approach social interactions and relationships throughout their life.

According to Bowlby, the first social bond that a child forms is with their caregivers, typically their parents.

This early bond shapes the child’s developing brain and lays the foundation for their perceptions of social interactions and relationships.

A warm and nurturing environment, where caregivers are responsive to the child’s emotional needs, leads to the formation of a secure bond, known as secure attachment. This teaches the child that their emotions and needs will be recognised and supported, and that people can generally be trusted.

Conversely, if a child perceives that their needs are not being met, they may struggle to build a secure and stable bond with their caregivers. This can result in a distorted perception of relationships and how they function, potentially leading to difficulties in forming healthy social connections later in life.

There are three types of insecure attachment in adults:

As you embark on your journey in learning how to embody signs of secure attachment it’s important to first understand your current attachment style. Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and emotion that influence how we interact with others in our relationships. There are four main attachment styles:

Anxious attachment style (also known as ambivalent or preoccupied): Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to be emotionally expressive, highly sensitive to rejection, and may require constant reassurance from their partner.

Avoidant attachment style (also known as dismissive or fearful-avoidant): Those with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with emotional intimacy and may distance themselves from their partners when feeling vulnerable.

Disorganized attachment style (also known as fearful-avoidant): This attachment style is characterized by a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviors, leading to a confusing push-and-pull dynamic in relationships.

Secure attachment style: Securely attached individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and rely on their partners while maintaining their own independence. They can effectively communicate their needs and are empathetic to their partner’s emotions.

Understanding your attachment style will help you identify areas for personal growth and development as you work towards secure attachment. 

10 Signs of secure attachment

Consistency

Consistency is a crucial component of secure attachment, as it fosters trust and a sense of stability within the relationship. When individuals are consistent in their words and actions, they demonstrate reliability and integrity, allowing their partners to feel more secure in the connection. This dependability helps establish a foundation of trust, as you know your partner will follow through on their commitments and remain steady in their emotional investment.

Moreover, consistency helps create a sense of predictability in the relationship, reducing anxiety and uncertainty. By consistently showing up for one another, both emotionally and practically, partners can develop a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and expectations. This mutual understanding contributes to more effective communication and conflict resolution, further solidifying the emotional bond between individuals and promoting secure attachment.

Availability 

Emotional availability is a critical aspect of secure attachment, as it enables individuals to form deep, intimate connections with their partners. When someone is emotionally present and available, they create an environment where vulnerability is encouraged and emotional needs can be met. This readiness to provide support during challenging times helps to build trust, knowing that your partner is there for you when you need them most.

Emotional availability also involves active listening, empathy, and responsiveness to your partner’s feelings and experiences. By prioritizing emotional connection, partners can foster a sense of closeness and mutual understanding, strengthening their bond. This ability to connect on a deeper level encourages the development of intimacy, as individuals feel safe to express their authentic selves and share their innermost thoughts and emotions.

Ultimately, emotional availability is key to creating a secure attachment, as it allows partners to rely on one another for emotional support and validation. Through consistent emotional presence and responsiveness, individuals can establish the foundation for a lasting, fulfilling relationship built on trust, vulnerability, and intimacy.

Positive self-worth

One of the key signs of secure attachment is a strong sense of self-worth. Individuals with positive self-worth recognize their own value and maintain a sense of autonomy within the relationship, fostering self-respect and confidence. This self-assurance enables them to enter relationships without being overly dependent on their partner for validation, allowing them to contribute their unique qualities and perspectives to the partnership.

A positive self-worth also helps individuals navigate conflicts and setbacks within the relationship. They are less likely to internalize criticism or blame themselves for any challenges they may face, which allows for healthier communication and collaborative problem-solving. By maintaining a healthy sense of self-worth, partners can support each other’s growth and well-being, contributing to a secure attachment built on mutual respect and trust.

Moreover, having a strong sense of self-worth promotes emotional resilience and emotional self-regulation. This emotional stability allows individuals to engage more fully in their relationships, encouraging vulnerability, and intimacy. With a foundation of self-worth, partners can build a lasting, fulfilling connection, characterized by open communication, trust, and emotional security.

Healthy boundaries

Another key sign of secure attachment is the presence of healthy boundaries within the relationship. Securely attached individuals understand the importance of setting and respecting personal limits, which helps maintain emotional safety and trust between partners.

By establishing healthy boundaries, partners can communicate their needs, preferences, and limits without fear of judgment or rejection. This openness encourages vulnerability and emotional intimacy, as individuals feel safe to express their authentic selves. Additionally, the mutual respect for boundaries reinforces the idea that both partners’ well-being is valued and considered within the relationship.

Furthermore, healthy boundaries allow partners to maintain a sense of individuality while still fostering connection and interdependence. This balance of personal and shared space cultivates trust, as partners feel confident in each other’s commitment to the relationship and their respective needs. By prioritizing and maintaining healthy boundaries, individuals with secure attachment can create an environment of emotional security and mutual respect, laying the foundation for a lasting, fulfilling partnership.

Emotional regulation

Another significant sign of secure attachment is effective emotion regulation. Individuals who have developed healthy strategies for managing their emotions are better equipped to navigate the challenges and conflicts that arise within relationships. They can express their emotions in constructive ways and work collaboratively with their partners to resolve issues, fostering trust and understanding.

Emotion regulation also involves maintaining emotional self-awareness, which allows individuals to recognize their emotional triggers and patterns. By understanding their own emotions, they can communicate their needs more effectively and seek appropriate support from their partners. This emotional self-awareness contributes to greater empathy and responsiveness within the relationship, promoting a secure attachment.

In addition, individuals with strong emotion regulation skills can provide a stable and secure emotional environment for their partners. By remaining emotionally grounded during times of stress or conflict, they can offer support and reassurance to their partners, strengthening the emotional bond between them. Through consistent emotional regulation, individuals can cultivate secure attachment, characterized by trust, emotional intimacy, and mutual support.

Honest communication

An essential sign of secure attachment is consistent and honest communication within the relationship. Securely attached individuals prioritize open dialogue, expressing their emotions, needs, and concerns in a clear and respectful manner.

Honest communication fosters emotional intimacy and understanding, as partners gain insight into each other’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This willingness to share openly demonstrates trust and vulnerability, which are crucial components of secure attachment. Furthermore, open communication allows partners to address conflicts and challenges collaboratively, strengthening their bond through mutual problem-solving.

In addition to fostering emotional connection, honest communication also promotes a sense of security within the relationship. By consistently expressing their thoughts and feelings, partners can build trust in one another’s authenticity and commitment. This emotional transparency contributes to a strong, resilient attachment bond, allowing individuals to create a lasting, fulfilling relationship built on open and honest communication.

Conflict Resolution

One of the primary signs of secure attachment is the ability to effectively navigate and resolve conflicts within a relationship. Securely attached individuals approach relationship conflicts with a focus on resolution, seeking to understand and repair rather than avoiding or escalating issues. They view conflict as an opportunity for growth, both individually and as a couple.

Effective conflict resolution involves open and honest communication, even during times of disagreement. Individuals with secure attachment styles express their needs and emotions assertively while actively listening to their partner’s perspective. This empathetic approach promotes understanding and empathy, creating an environment where both parties feel heard and valued.

Furthermore, securely attached individuals are willing to compromise and collaborate to find mutually beneficial solutions. 

They prioritize the well-being of the relationship over personal ego or short-term gains, which fosters trust and mutual respect. By demonstrating a commitment to understanding, communication, and growth, individuals with secure attachment can transform conflicts into opportunities for deepening their emotional bond and building a lasting, fulfilling connection.

They respect your need for individuality

A strong sign of secure attachment is the mutual respect for individuality and personal growth within the relationship. Securely attached individuals celebrate their partner’s unique qualities, interests, and goals, reinforcing the idea that a healthy relationship allows both partners to shine.

By encouraging one another’s personal pursuits, securely attached partners foster an environment of support and trust. This recognition of each other’s need for personal growth demonstrates a commitment to the relationship’s long-term success, as both partners feel valued for who they are and what they bring to the partnership.

Moreover, this respect for individuality contributes to emotional security and intimacy within the relationship. When partners feel appreciated for their authentic selves, they are more likely to be vulnerable and share their true thoughts and emotions. This emotional openness further strengthens the attachment bond, creating a fulfilling and lasting connection built on trust, support, and a celebration of each other’s unique qualities.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is another one of the signs of secure attachment, reflecting an individual’s confidence in expressing their desires and goals within a relationship. 

Securely attached individuals aren’t afraid to be direct when communicating their aspirations and needs, ensuring both partners are aligned and understand each other’s expectations.

This open and straightforward communication fosters trust, understanding, and mutual respect. By being assertive, individuals demonstrate a strong sense of self-worth and the importance they place on their personal growth and well-being. This clarity in communication also helps prevent misunderstandings and conflicts, ultimately contributing to a stronger, more secure attachment between partners.

They don’t take things personally

Another one of the signs of secure attachment is the ability to differentiate between a partner’s behavior and personal self-worth. Securely attached individuals recognize that their partner’s actions are often a reflection of their own experiences, emotions, and inner struggles, rather than a direct assessment of their own value or character.

By maintaining this perspective, securely attached individuals can approach conflicts and misunderstandings with empathy and understanding, fostering more effective communication and problem-solving. This emotional awareness allows them to support their partner through challenges, strengthening their emotional bond and overall relationship security.

Additionally, the ability to not take others’ behavior personally helps individuals maintain healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self. By avoiding internalizing a partner’s actions, securely attached individuals preserve their emotional well-being and cultivate a relationship dynamic based on mutual respect and trust. This resilience and emotional maturity contribute to the long-term success of the relationship and reinforce the foundation of secure attachment.

Embody Signs of Secure Attachment: How to Become Securely Attached

While conventional self-help methods can offer valuable insights into attachment theory, they often fail to address the long-term challenges associated with anxious attachment. Attachment trauma primarily resides in the subconscious, necessitating a deeper approach to tackle its core.

To overcome anxious attachment effectively and embody signs of secure attachment, it’s crucial to adopt a subconscious-focused strategy that cultivates inner stability and resilience. By addressing the root causes of attachment trauma and fostering a secure, self-assured foundation, individuals can experience transformative growth and build healthier relationships that thrive over time.

Our Heal Insecure Attachment course guides participants through managing anxiety and healing their inner child, enabling them to release stored emotional energy and nurture a deep sense of security from within. Featuring over 6 hours of video content and therapeutic meditations, this course provides practical tools to explore subconscious patterns contributing to anxious attachment signs and facilitate their integration.

By embracing this somatic and emotion-focused approach, participants can tackle the core issues underlying anxious attachment, paving the way for secure relationships and a more balanced, fulfilling life.

Explore our Heal Insecure Attachment course to embark on a journey of self-discovery, inner healing, and personal growth. By addressing anxious attachment signs at their source, individuals can develop a secure internal attachment style, laying the foundation for healthier relationships and overall well-being.

Therapy

I recommend internal family systems therapy for integrating the parts of you that carry fear and insecurity from the past, so you can strengthen your wise, secure adult self and create secure relationships.

How to Self Soothe Anxious Attachment

As someone who has personally grappled with anxious attachment, I understand the daily challenges that come with it—the deep fear of abandonment, the need for reassurance, and the relentless overthinking. Learning how to self soothe anxious attachment is helpful in regulating feelings of attachment anxiety.

The journey to overcome these insecurities can often feel overwhelming and isolating. However, learning how to self soothe anxious attachment can be a game-changer, as it can significantly reduce anxiety, cultivate inner security, and foster healthier relationships.

Throughout my experiences, I’ve discovered that self-soothing is a vital skill that has helped me navigate the complexities of my attachment style and relationships. By understanding the root of my insecurities and actively addressing them, I’ve been able to alleviate my fears and approach relationships with greater confidence and resilience.

My connection with John was a good example of this. John and I crossed paths an initially I was drawn to his playfulness, intuitive nature and sense of humour. 

In the early days there were red flags of unavailability that made me pull back my energy and focus on myself. But he then decided to reach out and the hopes I had for a potential relationship re-emerged. 

But then during a period of uncertainty and anxiety in my life, a sense of uncertainty, anxiety, and unrest began to brew within me. The discomfort was palpable, urging me to confront the situation head-on. It was at this point I felt as thought my anxious attachment was at 100.

With trembling courage, I shared my concerns with John and I asked about his intentions with me.

He confessed that while he liked me and wanted to continue getting to know me, he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. This revelation served as a glaring confirmation of his emotional unavailability…something that I was struggling to accept.

Despite this, I realised I couldn’t continue the dynamic as it was anymore without knowing his intentions and I explained that if he couldn’t offer consistency or a clear plan for us then I didn’t want to talk anymore. As the words left my mouth, I felt a surge of vulnerability and strength. 

In the aftermath of our conversation, childhood memories of abandonment resurfaced, leaving me questioning my self-worth and the possibility of ever experiencing a healthy, loving relationship. The heavy feeling on my chest brought me back to how I felt as a little girl – isolated and as though the pain of abandonment would never end. 

Yet, amid the storm of emotions, a voice of wisdom emerged from within, encouraging me to let go and release myself from this relationship. It was a transformative moment, as I realized that walking away from this relationship would bring me peace of mind.

A higher voice inside of me said to me that I needed to let this go and that 2 weeks from now I wouldn’t be ruminating or feeling anxious or sad about it.

I was then forced to face my feelings and sit with it…

It was in that moment of stillness that the true journey of self-soothing began. As I sat with my emotions, allowing myself to fully experience the pain and vulnerability, I realized that I had been neglecting a crucial aspect of my healing process: self-compassion.

Rather than berating myself for feeling anxious or questioning my worth, I chose to treat myself with the kindness and understanding I would offer to a close friend. This shift in perspective has allowed me to embrace the fact that my feelings are valid and that it was okay to feel hurt and uncertain. In fact, it’s a valid response to feel anxious and certain when someone is inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, less invested and has unclear intentions for the relationship. It was also valid for me to feel heightened anxiety and uncertainty during an uncertain period in my life.

As I nurtured this newfound sense of self-compassion, the anxiety and sadness gradually began to dissipate. The voice of wisdom that encouraged me to let go grew stronger, and I started to trust in my ability to create a brighter, more fulfilling future for myself.

Over the next two weeks, I dedicated myself to implementing healthy coping strategies and prioritising my emotional well-being. I practiced mindfulness and meditation to calm my racing thoughts, engaged in self-care activities to nourish my spirit, and reminded myself of my inherent worth.

With each passing day, the grip of the past loosened, and the voice that predicted I wouldn’t be ruminating or feeling anxious proved to be right. By choosing to face my emotions and prioritise self-soothing, I proved to myself my inner resilience, strengthened discernment, assertiveness and self-worth. 

Oftentimes, our self worth is reinforced by our actions and this step of self-preservation and self-advocacy communicates to the universe that I deserve a secure, stable and fulfilling relationship and I won’t tolerate inconsistency and a lack of transparency.

I felt like I had past a universal lesson that I have self-respect and I am growing that confident, self-assured side to myself. 

Today, I continue to integrate practices that help me in how to self soothe anxious attachment and I continue to add new tools to my toolkit, so that I move towards secure attachment and eventually create a healthier relationship with someone who is aligned with my emotional needs and values.

So with that, let me share what I’ve learned so far on how to self soothe anxious attachment. 

1. Understand your anxious attachment patterns 

Recognising and understanding your attachment patterns is a crucial first step towards learning how to self soothe anxious attachment. By gaining insight into your unique attachment style, you can better identify the triggers that provoke feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or fear. This self-awareness allows you to anticipate and address emotional reactions before they escalate, fostering a greater sense of control and stability in your relationships. As you develop a deeper comprehension of your attachment patterns, you can tailor self-soothing strategies to effectively manage the challenges that arise from your specific style.

Moreover, understanding your attachment patterns enables you to adopt a more compassionate and non-judgmental perspective towards your emotional experiences. Recognizing that your reactions are influenced by deeply ingrained attachment styles can alleviate self-blame or feelings of inadequacy. 

This self-compassion can, in itself, serve as a powerful self-soothing tool, promoting emotional healing and growth. By acknowledging your attachment style and embracing its inherent challenges, you can begin the transformative journey of building healthier relationships and cultivating a more secure attachment.

2. Become aware of your triggers

Being aware of your triggers is a vital component in learning how to self soothe anxious attachment. A trigger is an event, situation, or interaction that elicits a strong emotional response, often related to feelings of insecurity, fear, or anxiety. By identifying these triggers, you can develop strategies to better manage your reactions and maintain a sense of emotional balance.

To become more aware of your triggers, pay close attention to the patterns and themes that seem to consistently evoke negative emotions or reactions. For instance, you might notice that when a loved one takes longer than usual to respond to your messages, it triggers feelings of abandonment or rejection. 

By recognizing this trigger, you can then proactively implement self-soothing techniques, such as practicing mindfulness, challenging negative thoughts, or engaging in self-care activities, to help mitigate the intensity of your emotional response. With increased awareness of your triggers, you can gradually build emotional resilience and foster a greater sense of security within your relationships.

3. Know your deal breakers 

Knowing your deal breakers is an essential aspect of learning how to self soothe anxious attachment, as it helps you establish boundaries and protect your emotional well-being. Deal breakers are qualities, behaviors, or situations that you simply cannot tolerate in a relationship. Identifying these non-negotiables enables you to make informed decisions and avoid potential heartache down the line.

In my case one of my deal breakers is a lack of inconsistency and clear intentions. To identify your deal breakers, reflect on past relationships and the specific issues or behaviors that led to their demise. Consider your core values, emotional needs, and long-term goals, and determine which factors could potentially compromise these essential aspects of your life. For example, if open communication is crucial for your emotional security, a partner who consistently avoids discussing their feelings or shuts down during conflict may be a deal breaker for you.

Once you have a clear understanding of your deal breakers, it’s important to communicate them early on in a relationship. Doing so not only sets the foundation for open and honest communication but also helps you establish boundaries that safeguard your emotional well-being. By being firm in your convictions and standing up for your needs, you can cultivate a sense of security and confidence, ultimately empowering yourself to build healthier, more fulfilling connections.

4. Learn somatic exercises

When it comes to learning how to self soothe anxious attachment, incorporating somatic exercises into your daily routine can be incredibly beneficial. By focusing on calming the nervous system, these exercises help to alleviate the physical symptoms of anxiety that often accompany anxious attachment triggers. Engaging in activities like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, yoga, or walking in nature can promote relaxation and release physical tension, signaling to your nervous system that you are safe and secure.

Consistent practice of somatic exercises not only helps to manage anxiety in the moment but also contributes to long-term emotional well-being and resilience. By developing the skills to soothe yourself during emotionally challenging situations, you can begin to rewire your nervous system to respond more calmly and confidently, ultimately fostering a more secure attachment style.

5. Practice self-validation

A crucial aspect of learning how to self soothe anxious attachment is the practice of self-validation of feelings. Self-validation involves acknowledging and accepting your emotions without judgment, providing yourself with the emotional support and understanding you may seek from others. This internal recognition helps reduce the need for external reassurance, promoting a greater sense of emotional security and self-reliance.

To practice self-validation, start by recognizing your emotional experiences as natural and understandable responses to your environment. Rather than dismissing or minimizing your feelings, allow yourself to feel them fully and remind yourself that it is okay to experience a wide range of emotions. By creating a compassionate inner dialogue and providing yourself with the emotional support you need, you can begin to soothe anxious attachment and cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth and emotional resilience.

6. Have an evening routine 

Developing an evening routine can be a powerful tool in learning how to self soothe anxious attachment. An evening routine helps to create a sense of structure and predictability, which can be particularly comforting for individuals with anxious attachment who may struggle with uncertainty and fear of abandonment. By incorporating calming and self-care activities into your nightly routine, you can promote relaxation, ease anxiety, and foster a greater sense of security.

An effective evening routine might include activities such as taking a warm bath or shower, practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation, journaling, or engaging in a calming hobby. It’s also essential to prioritize a healthy sleep schedule, as proper rest plays a critical role in emotional regulation and overall well-being. By establishing a consistent evening routine tailored to your unique needs and preferences, you can create a sanctuary of comfort and stability, ultimately contributing to reduced anxiety and a more secure attachment style.

7. Be willing to have tough conversations

Engaging in tough conversations is a crucial component of learning how to self soothe anxious attachment. While these discussions may feel daunting and emotionally challenging, they provide an opportunity for open and honest communication, which is essential for building trust and fostering a secure attachment style.

To navigate tough conversations more effectively, begin by identifying the specific issues or concerns that need to be addressed. Practice active listening and try to understand your partner’s perspective without becoming defensive or overly reactive. Use “I” statements to express your own feelings, needs, and boundaries, rather than assigning blame or making accusations.

Remember that it’s normal to feel uncomfortable during these conversations, but by staying focused on the goal of mutual understanding and growth, you can work towards a resolution that strengthens your relationship and promotes emotional well-being. By consistently engaging in honest and respectful dialogue, you can cultivate a more secure attachment style and reduce anxiety in your relationships.

8. Listen to your body wisdom 

Listening to your body wisdom is an integral aspect of learning how to self soothe anxious attachment. Our bodies often provide valuable information about our emotional state, as physical sensations can serve as clues to underlying feelings or needs.

To tune into your body wisdom, practice mindfulness and pay attention to physical sensations that arise in response to different situations or emotions. For instance, you may notice that your chest feels tight or your stomach knots up when you’re experiencing anxiety or insecurity in your relationships. By acknowledging and attending to these physical cues, you can identify the emotional triggers behind them and respond accordingly.

Additionally, engaging in activities that promote physical well-being, such as exercise, proper nutrition, and adequate sleep, can also contribute to emotional health and resilience. By nurturing your body and listening to its messages, you can better understand your emotional landscape and develop more effective strategies for self-soothing anxious attachment.

9. Know that it’s ok to not be emotionally regulated all the time

It’s essential to remember that when it comes to learning how to self soothe anxious attachment, that it’s okay not to be emotionally regulated all the time. 

Sometimes when your anxious attachment is triggered it’s your body’s way of communicating with you, sending you valuable signals that deserve your attention. Persistent emotional dysregulation can be a sign that a relationship may not be compatible with your attachment style or is not meeting your emotional needs.

By recognizing and accepting these signs of incompatibility, you can take steps to prioritize your well-being and seek connections that better align with your emotional needs and attachment style. This doesn’t mean that you’re weak or that something is inherently wrong with you; instead, it shows a deep level of self-awareness and a commitment to meeting your core emotional needs.

When experiencing emotional dysregulation, practice self-compassion and remind yourself that these feelings are temporary. Focus on grounding techniques to help bring you back to the present moment. 

Therapy

For sustainable healing of anxious attachment, I recommend inner child therapy. This helps you to heal energies and fears from the past and strengthen your resilient, adult self. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

6 Signs You have the Guilt Wound

Have you ever found yourself feeling guilty for no apparent reason or constantly apologising for things that aren’t your fault? 

If so, you might be struggling with what’s known as the guilt wound. 

The guilt wound often stems from negative experiences or messages absorbed during childhood, which can leave a lasting impact on our self-perception and emotional well-being.

What is the guilt wound?

The guilt wound is a deep-seated emotional wound that develops when people  internalize feelings of guilt and shame, often stemming from childhood experiences. This wound is characterised by persistent feelings of self-blame, inadequacy, and a distorted sense of responsibility for negative events or circumstances.

The development of the guilt wound can be traced back to various factors, such as growing up in a highly critical environment, experiencing traumatic events, or exposure to unrealistic societal expectations. 

For example, children who are constantly criticized by emotionally immature parents that lack self-awareness may internalize a sense of never being good enough, leading to feelings of guilt and low self-esteem in adulthood. 

Often when emotionally immature parents are unstable and not in control of their life, they will control you and control your self-perception, so that they’re not held accountable for their neglect and mistreatment.

They would rather bring you up to be complicit in their mistreatment and sacrifice your own autonomy and boundaries to protect their own ego being bruised.

Although these unhealthy dynamics are unconscious and come from their own upbringing of relational trauma, the impact it has on your own life can be huge. 

When you grow up without your boundaries being respected, this can make you vulnerable to partners who engage in emotional exploitation and exploit the guilt wound to control you and keep you trapped in an unhealthy relationship dynamic based on power and control. 

Often the guilt wound can leave you with inaccurate self perception and a feeling of guilt when guilt isn’t warrant.

For example, you might feel guilt and shame for staying in an abusive relationship and for not leaving the relationship sooner.

You might feel guilt for feeling like you lied to yourself, due to the cognitive dissonance you had because you told yourself they’re a caring person, when you realised not until you left the relationship that control isn’t love. Love is respect. 

Abusive relationships are complex and we can become entangled in a web of control from the cycle of abuse. At the beginning of the relationship we’re showered with love, time and attention, but then there are explosions of abuse, fake apologies and we’re sucked back into the trauma bond. 

Abusive relationships are like a thousand paper cuts over time, and they eat away at our independence, self-perception, self-esteem and make us more dependent on the person, so that it becomes more difficult to leave the relationship. 

So if we feel guilt for not leaving a relationship sooner, we need to give ourselves compassion and remind ourselves that we did try to leave a few times, but we were pulled back in with power and control dynamics. 

Perhaps we went back to the relationship, when we were at rock bottom and didn’t have anywhere else to go for refuge, because the other person had isolated us and wore down our independence and self-confidence so we had no other option, and they manipulated us and made us feel like they were rescuing us from the trauma they inflicted on us.

The guilt wound left unaddressed can manifest into various unhealthy relationship patterns and symptoms. Let’s explore with gentleness and compassion for ourselves.

Persistent feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame, even in situations where the individual was not at fault

Persistent feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame can indicate a guilt wound, particularly when these emotions arise in situations where the individual was not at fault. This persistent guilt may manifest as a general sense of unease or discomfort, or it may be tied to specific events or circumstances. 

People might find themselves ruminating on past mistakes or failures, feeling remorseful for things beyond their control, or struggling to shake off feelings of regret, even when their actions were justified or understandable. Over time, these unrelenting emotions can contribute to a distorted sense of self and low self-esteem.

A strong sense of responsibility for others

A guilt wound may manifest as a heightened sense of responsibility for the emotions, actions, or well-being of others. people  with this wound may take on the role of caregiver or “fixer” in their relationships, often putting the needs of others before their own. They might feel compelled to solve others’ problems or protect them from negative experiences, even when doing so is beyond their control or capacity. 

This intense focus on the well-being of others can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress, and overwhelm, as well as a neglect of one’s own emotional needs. In extreme cases, people  might develop a savior complex, believing they alone are responsible for the happiness or success of those around them. Ultimately, this unhealthy sense of responsibility can strain personal relationships and contribute to feelings of inadequacy and self-blame when others experience hardships or setbacks.

A tendency to people please and put people’s feelings and needs before your own

The guilt wound can often lead to a pattern of people-pleasing and prioritizing others’ needs over one’s own. people  may feel an overwhelming need to gain approval or avoid conflict, leading them to suppress their own emotions and desires in favor of accommodating others. 

This tendency can stem from a fear of rejection or a belief that their worthiness is contingent upon meeting the expectations of those around them. As a result, they might struggle to set boundaries, communicate their needs, or advocate for themselves in personal or professional settings. Over time, this constant prioritization of others’ feelings and needs can contribute to feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and a loss of personal identity, as well as an increased vulnerability to manipulation and exploitation.

People-pleasing behavior, often resulting from a guilt wound, can inadvertently attract predatory people  who may seek to exploit the person’s vulnerability and need for approval. 

These opportunistic people  might capitalize on the people-pleaser’s desire to avoid conflict or their willingness to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of others. By showering the people-pleaser with attention, approval, or validation, predators can create a sense of obligation or emotional debt, making it easier to manipulate or control them. Over time, this dynamic can lead to toxic or abusive relationships, causing further harm to the individual’s self-esteem, emotional well-being, and overall sense of safety.

Being overly loyal to people who mistreat us 

An additional manifestation of a guilt wound is being excessively loyal to people who mistreat or take advantage of us. This excessive loyalty may arise from feelings of responsibility for the other person’s behavior or a fear of abandonment if the relationship were to end. people  with a guilt wound might rationalize the mistreatment, blaming themselves for the other person’s actions or believing they can “fix” them through unwavering support and understanding. 

As a result, they might stay in toxic or abusive relationships long after it becomes clear that their loyalty is misplaced or even harmful to their own well-being. Ultimately, this misplaced loyalty can perpetuate cycles of abuse, erode self-worth, and hinder the individual’s ability to cultivate healthy, supportive relationships.

Vulnerable to guilt-based manipulation 

People with the guilt wound are often more susceptible to guilt-based manipulation, as their feelings of remorse and self-blame can be exploited by others to control or influence their actions. 

Manipulative people  may prey on these vulnerabilities, using tactics such as gaslighting, emotional blackmail, or victim-blaming to evoke feelings of guilt and obligation. 

For example, let’s say Emma is in a relationship with a man who makes her feel guilty when she doesn’t give into his demands. He might say “I do so much for you”, “nobody else would do this for you” after abusing her. 

In this scenario, Emma’s guilt wound makes her especially vulnerable to her partner’s manipulative tactics. By suggesting that he does so much for her and that no one else would treat her as well, he is attempting to guilt-trip Emma into complying with his demands, even if those demands are harmful or violate her boundaries. 

This manipulation can cause Emma to feel trapped in the relationship, believing that she is responsible for her partner’s happiness and that she would be unable to find someone else who would treat her better. As a result, she might continue to endure the abuse, believing that her guilt and sense of obligation justify her partner’s behavior.

The person with the guilt wound might be more likely to comply with the manipulator’s demands or tolerate poor treatment in an attempt to alleviate their feelings of guilt or shame. 

This heightened susceptibility to manipulation can result in a loss of personal agency, a weakening of boundaries, and an increased risk of becoming trapped in exploitative or abusive dynamics. As the individual becomes more enmeshed in these unhealthy relationships, their sense of self-worth may further deteriorate, making it even more challenging to break free from the cycle of guilt-based manipulation.

Struggling to set boundaries

One significant challenge for people  with a guilt wound is the difficulty they often experience in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. This struggle can arise from a deep-seated fear of disappointing or upsetting others, as well as a strong desire to be liked and accepted. people  might believe that asserting their needs or preferences will lead to conflict or rejection, causing them to prioritize the desires of others over their own well-being. In an attempt to avoid feelings of guilt or discomfort, they might engage in people-pleasing behaviors or acquiesce to demands that violate their boundaries. 

Unfortunately, this pattern can reinforce a sense of powerlessness and low self-worth, as the individual begins to internalize the belief that their needs and desires are less important than those of others. Over time, the inability to set boundaries can contribute to feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and a lack of personal agency.

Not knowing your own desires and preferences

As a result of the guilt wound, people  may struggle to identify their own desires and preferences due to a history of prioritizing the needs of others and suppressing their own emotions. Over time, this pattern can lead to a disconnection from their internal experiences, making it difficult to recognize their genuine wants and needs. Instead, they might rely on external validation or the expectations of others to guide their decisions, further obscuring their true desires.

Additionally, the guilt associated with asserting personal preferences can create a sense of anxiety or discomfort when faced with decision-making. people  might fear that expressing their desires will lead to disappointment or rejection from others, causing them to either avoid making decisions altogether or simply acquiesce to the preferences of those around them.

Ultimately, this lack of self-awareness and assertiveness can contribute to feelings of dissatisfaction, emptiness, and a loss of personal identity. It may also hinder the individual’s ability to build authentic relationships and pursue personal goals, perpetuating the cycle of guilt and self-sacrifice.

A lack of self-identity and not knowing who you are

A lack of self-identity is another consequence of the guilt wound that can result from consistently prioritizing the needs and desires of others over one’s own. As people  repeatedly put their own preferences aside, they may begin to lose touch with their authentic selves and the values that truly resonate with them. Instead, their identity becomes tied to external factors such as the opinions of others, their relationships, or societal expectations.

This loss of self-identity can manifest in various ways, such as feeling uncertain about personal beliefs, interests, or goals, or experiencing a sense of emptiness and disconnection from life. people  might struggle to make decisions or take ownership of their choices, as they lack a solid foundation of self-understanding to guide their actions. 

Over time, this lack of self-identity can contribute to feelings of anxiety, confusion, and dissatisfaction, as the individual feels adrift and unable to establish a stable sense of self.

Distorted self-perception

One of the most significant impacts of the guilt wound on a person’s well-being is the development of a distorted self-perception. The constant feelings of guilt and shame can lead to a belief that they are fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or responsible for the negative experiences of others. This self-perception is often perpetuated by internalized negative messages received in childhood, traumatic experiences, or societal pressures.

People with a distorted self-perception might view themselves as inherently “bad,” incompetent, or undeserving of love and respect. They may struggle to recognize their own strengths, talents, or positive qualities, instead focusing on perceived shortcomings or failures. 

This distorted view of self can make people vulnerable to gaslighting and emotional abuse where another person uses gaslighting to doubt their own reality to control them, as opposed to taking personal responsibility for their own fears and improving their self-esteem.

It can also make it difficult for people  to form healthy relationships, as they may struggle to trust their own judgment of choosing emotionally safe partners or believe that they are worthy of being treated well.

Chronic feelings of anxiety

The chronic feelings of anxiety that can result from the guilt wound arise from a persistent sense of uncertainty, responsibility, and fear of disappointing others. This chronic anxiety may manifest as constant worry, rumination, or hypervigilance, which can be both emotionally and physically exhausting.

people  with chronic anxiety may find themselves stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, second-guessing their decisions, and fearing the disapproval or disappointment of others. This anxiety can negatively impact their ability to relax, concentrate, or engage in enjoyable activities. It can also exacerbate existing mental health challenges, such as depression or insomnia, and contribute to physical symptoms like headaches, muscle tension, or gastrointestinal problems.

The antidote to the guilt wound

The antidote to the guilt wound lies in learning to recognise and resist guilt games that others may play, while simultaneously practicing emotional detachment and cultivating a strong sense of self-assuredness.

By doing so, people can regain their power and autonomy, no longer allowing themselves to be manipulated or controlled by external factors.

Emotional detachment involves learning to observe and process emotions without becoming overwhelmed or reactive, allowing people to maintain their composure and respond in more balanced and rational ways. Holding one’s own space and power means setting clear boundaries, communicating assertively, and prioritizing self-care and personal growth.

Pulling back into one’s own confident energy requires building self-esteem, cultivating self-compassion, and acknowledging personal strengths and values. When people learn to embody this confident energy, they are less likely to succumb to guilt games or feel responsible for the actions or emotions of others, leading to healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self.

Discerning guilt

Just because you feel guilt, doesn’t mean that guilt is true. It can be unhealthy guilt conditioned in your inner system from childhood trauma.

It’s essential to recognise that experiencing feelings of guilt does not necessarily mean that those feelings are valid or justified. Guilt is an emotional response that can be triggered by various factors, such as societal conditioning, past trauma, or manipulative tactics from others. The presence of guilt does not inherently indicate that one has done something wrong or is responsible for a negative outcome.

Understanding the distinction between genuine guilt and unhealthy guilt is crucial for personal growth and healing the guilt wound. Genuine remorse typically arises when one has behaved in a way that contradicts their core values or has caused harm to others. In these cases, guilt can serve as a motivator for self-reflection, accountability, and making amends.

On the other hand, unhealthy guilt often stems from distorted beliefs about one’s responsibility or worthiness. People may feel guilty for asserting their needs, setting boundaries, or prioritizing their well-being, even when doing so is necessary and healthy.

Learning to challenge guilt-laden thoughts and beliefs can help individuals discern when guilt is warranted and when it is not. By asking questions such as “Am I truly responsible for this outcome?” or “Is this guilt helping me grow or holding me back?”, people can begin to deconstruct the power of guilt and cultivate a more balanced emotional landscape.

Consider inner child work

Since much of our relationship dynamics are rooted in subconscious patterns and beliefs, it’s essential to work at the unconscious level to create lasting change. By engaging in inner child work, people can gain insight into the origins of their guilt wound, understand how it has shaped their adult behaviors, and begin to rewire their subconscious beliefs and expectations.

Inner child work is a powerful tool for overcoming the guilt wound, as it allows people  to reconnect with the wounded aspects of their past selves and provide them with the compassion and understanding they may not have received in their formative years. By accessing and healing these subconscious wounds, people  can break free from unhealthy patterns and beliefs that have shaped their adult relationships and behaviors.

Inner child work typically involves exploring memories, emotions, and beliefs from childhood through techniques such as visualization, journaling, or therapy. By acknowledging the experiences and emotions of the inner child, people  can begin to reframe negative beliefs, release pent-up emotions, and develop a more compassionate understanding of their past selves. This process often leads to a sense of forgiveness, self-acceptance, and emotional healing.

If you’re like support with overcoming guilt, finding self-confidence, self-assuredness and personal power, you can book a session. My approach is supportive and affirming and will help you learn how to affirm yourself over time. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.

How to Heal Anxious Attachment In Relationships

Learning how to heal anxious attachment in relationships is a journey—a delicate, gradual process of rebuilding trust within yourself and your partnerships. 

If you often feel fearful of abandonment, experience a heightened need for reassurance, or have an underlying sense of insecurity in relationships, you’re not alone. These are common symptoms of what psychologists call “anxious attachment,” a pattern often rooted in early childhood experiences. Many people with anxious attachment struggle with overwhelming emotions, but understanding the underlying cause—typically a dysregulated nervous system—can be a powerful first step toward healing.

Anxious attachment isn’t just a relationship issue; it’s a reflection of how our nervous system learned to respond to love, safety, and connection from a young age. When early caregivers were inconsistent, unpredictable, or unavailable, a child’s nervous system might have developed in a way that prioritizes hypervigilance and fear of loss. These responses can persist well into adulthood, creating a cycle of fear and dependency that feels challenging to escape. And while change is possible, it’s not something that can be rushed or achieved overnight. Healing anxious attachment requires a slow, gentle approach focused on nurturing self-compassion, developing self-regulation skills, and creating new patterns of security and trust.

In this post, we’ll explore how to heal anxious attachment in relationships through specific practices that support nervous system regulation and promote emotional safety. With time, patience, and consistent effort, it’s possible to shift from anxious attachment toward more secure, fulfilling connections.

What is Attachment Theory?

Before we dive into how to heal anxious attachment in relationships, it’s helpful to understand the foundation of attachment theory—the psychological framework that explains how our earliest experiences with caregivers shape the way we relate to others throughout our lives. Developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the mid-20th century, attachment theory suggests that the bonds we form with primary caregivers as infants set the stage for how we experience trust, safety, and intimacy in adulthood. These early interactions help our brain and body develop an inner “blueprint” for relationships, influencing how we connect, feel secure, and respond to others, especially in moments of stress.

Attachment theory categorizes attachment styles into four primary types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. A secure attachment style develops when caregivers are consistently responsive and attentive, allowing a child to feel safe and confident in exploring the world. In contrast, inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving can lead to anxious attachment, where a person may develop a deep fear of abandonment and a heightened need for closeness and reassurance. Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, is often a result of emotionally unavailable caregiving, leading individuals to become more self-reliant and less comfortable with intimacy. Disorganized attachment, the most complex, usually stems from chaotic or frightening early environments, resulting in a conflicted approach to connection and vulnerability.

Understanding attachment theory can be enlightening, especially if you recognize elements of anxious attachment in your own relationships. These patterns are not “fixed,” and awareness of our attachment style gives us a foundation to work toward change. Before we explore how to heal anxious attachment in relationships, let’s keep in mind that our attachment style reflects a lifelong blueprint, one that can be adapted through slow, intentional steps toward emotional regulation, self-compassion, and resilience.

What is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment is an attachment style that often manifests as a persistent fear of abandonment, a strong need for reassurance, and heightened sensitivity to any perceived changes in a partner’s attention or availability. People with this attachment style tend to worry excessively about their partner’s feelings and may seek constant validation, which can lead to feelings of neediness or insecurity. This attachment style often originates in childhood, when caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes nurturing and available, other times emotionally distant or unresponsive. As a result, a person’s nervous system becomes wired to be hyper-alert to potential signs of disconnection or rejection.

Understanding this attachment style is a key first step in learning how to heal anxious attachment in relationships. Those with anxious attachment may struggle with regulating emotions and may feel especially vulnerable when they perceive emotional distance from a partner. However, this attachment style is not a fixed trait. Through gentle, intentional work—such as learning emotional regulation skills, practicing self-compassion, and fostering self-trust—it’s possible to heal anxious attachment and cultivate more secure, fulfilling relationships over time.

Here are eight common signs of anxious attachment. Each of these signs links back to a dysregulated nervous system, which can be a crucial focus when exploring how to heal anxious attachment in relationships.

1. Fear of Abandonment

A key sign of anxious attachment is a deep-seated fear of abandonment, which can feel overwhelming and constant. This fear is often rooted in a nervous system that learned to stay on high alert for emotional withdrawal or rejection in childhood. If caregivers were inconsistent, the nervous system became wired to expect sudden separation, creating a perpetual sense of insecurity in adult relationships. Learning how to heal anxious attachment in relationships often starts with calming this fear through nervous system regulation techniques, such as mindfulness and self-soothing practices.

2. Need for Constant Reassurance

People with anxious attachment frequently seek reassurance from their partners. The nervous system, in this case, is constantly looking for signs of safety and connection, often needing verbal or physical confirmation of love and loyalty. This cycle of reassurance-seeking can become exhausting for both partners. Addressing this sign in how to heal anxious attachment in relationships involves gradually training the nervous system to feel safe and secure internally, reducing dependency on external validation.

3. Sensitivity to Small Changes

Individuals with anxious attachment can be extremely sensitive to slight shifts in their partner’s tone, mood, or behavior, often interpreting these as signs of rejection. This response is tied to a hypervigilant nervous system trained to detect potential threats to emotional safety. To learn how to heal anxious attachment in relationships, it’s essential to work on calming this nervous system response, such as through grounding techniques or slow breathing exercises that encourage feelings of stability and security.

4. Intense Jealousy or Insecurity

Feelings of jealousy or insecurity are common in anxious attachment, as the nervous system reacts strongly to perceived competition or threats to the relationship. Often, this reaction is an automatic response to unresolved fears from early experiences of uncertainty or unavailability. Part of how to heal anxious attachment in relationships involves building trust in oneself, which can help ease these intense emotional reactions by reassuring the nervous system that true connection and security are possible.

5. Difficulty with Emotional Regulation

People with anxious attachment often experience emotional highs and lows, finding it hard to regulate their responses during moments of conflict or distance. This is because the nervous system, primed for survival, reacts quickly and strongly when it senses a disruption in connection. How to heal anxious attachment in relationships includes developing skills to self-regulate emotions, such as identifying triggers, pausing before reacting, and practicing self-compassion to bring a sense of calm.

6. Clinging or “Needy” Behaviors

Anxious attachment can result in behaviors that others might perceive as “clingy” or overly dependent. This behavior arises from a nervous system that has learned to cling to safety cues to feel secure. To explore how to heal anxious attachment in relationships, it’s helpful to work on cultivating internal sources of security, like self-soothing practices and self-trust, so that attachment becomes less intense and more balanced.

7. Fear of Being Alone

For those with anxious attachment, being alone can trigger feelings of panic or loneliness. This reaction stems from a nervous system that equates solitude with a lack of safety or support, as it might have experienced in childhood. Working on how to heal anxious attachment in relationships involves gradually building comfort with solitude, perhaps by practicing mindfulness or engaging in activities that foster independence, thereby retraining the nervous system to feel safe even when alone.

8. Overthinking and Rumination

Anxious attachment often leads to overthinking or replaying interactions, searching for signs of rejection or analyzing the partner’s feelings. This is the nervous system’s way of trying to control a situation it feels anxious about. To learn how to heal anxious attachment in relationships, practicing mindfulness and grounding techniques can help interrupt rumination cycles, guiding the nervous system to trust in the stability of the relationship.

Each of these signs points to a nervous system that learned to stay alert and protective due to past inconsistencies. Healing anxious attachment is about slowly retraining the nervous system toward a sense of safety and trust, which opens the door to more secure, balanced relationships.

The Unconscious Mind of Anxious Attachments

At the core of anxious attachment lies a complex network of unconscious fears and beliefs that developed in response to early caregiving experiences. For those with anxious attachment, the unconscious mind holds deep-rooted fears of rejection and abandonment, which continue to influence thoughts, behaviors, and relationships well into adulthood. These fears aren’t just passing worries; they’re ingrained patterns that were formed when the nervous system, in early childhood, learned to associate relationships with unpredictability, emotional unavailability, or even emotional neglect.

In a healthy attachment model, a distressed child seeks comfort and is met with consistent, soothing care from an adult. This reassurance helps the child’s nervous system calm down and learn that relationships are safe spaces. However, when a caregiver is inconsistent—sometimes present, other times distant—the child’s brain and body adapt to expect a similar inconsistency from relationships. The unconscious mind develops a “protective” response: it keeps the child constantly on alert, fearing abandonment and rejection, because it learned that emotional safety is not guaranteed. This experience can lead to what we know as separation anxiety, where the child experiences a heightened sense of distress when their caregiver is absent, feeling unsafe or incomplete without them.

As the child grows, these unconscious fears don’t simply disappear; instead, they often transform into “clingy” behaviors in adulthood. When others pull away, even briefly, a person with anxious attachment may experience intense separation anxiety, feeling as though they’re losing something essential. The unconscious mind, in an attempt to avoid the pain of abandonment, may drive them to seek constant reassurance, leading to patterns of dependency and fear-driven connection. The nervous system, trained to detect abandonment, becomes hyper-sensitive to any sign of emotional distance, triggering a cascade of anxiety and insecurity that can make relationships feel tumultuous.

Learning how to heal anxious attachment in relationships involves recognizing these unconscious fears and understanding that they are remnants of past experiences, not realities of the present. Through gentle self-reflection and practices that regulate the nervous system, individuals can learn to soothe their own fears and develop a more secure internal foundation, where the need for constant reassurance gradually fades.

Subconscious Attachment Patterns: How They Develop and Influence Relationships

Attachment patterns are protective strategies we often develop subconsciously to keep ourselves emotionally safe, especially when our early environment was unpredictable or emotionally challenging. These patterns, formed in response to our caregivers’ behaviors, become part of our nervous system’s programming, guiding how we relate to others in adulthood. When it comes to how to heal anxious attachment in relationships, understanding these patterns is key, as they represent a form of self-protection we learned long ago. People-pleasing, conflict avoidance, and emotional suppression are just a few examples of these ingrained behaviors.

People-pleasing is a common adaptation for those with anxious attachment. For instance, saying “I’m sorry” may really mean, “Please don’t be mad at me” or “I’m afraid of upsetting you.” This instinct to apologize or make others happy often stems from a childhood where expressing one’s own needs risked upsetting a caregiver. Children in these environments learn to keep peace by apologizing quickly, bending to others’ needs, and avoiding confrontation. They may even take on the role of the “easy child”—one who minimizes their own needs to avoid anger or withdrawal from their caregiver. However, as adults, this pattern can make it difficult to express personal needs and boundaries, limiting one’s ability to feel secure in relationships. Learning how to heal anxious attachment in relationships involves recognizing the roots of people-pleasing and gradually building the courage to advocate for oneself.

Conflict avoidance is another deeply ingrained pattern that often develops in childhood, where expressing emotions, needs, or even mild disagreements might lead to punishment or rejection. A child may learn to suppress feelings, avoiding even healthy conflict to maintain a sense of safety. In adulthood, this can manifest as a hesitancy to voice one’s needs, fearing that any assertion could lead to loss or disconnection. When exploring how to heal anxious attachment in relationships, addressing conflict avoidance involves learning to communicate openly and understanding that healthy boundaries can actually strengthen relationships.

These adaptations are not inherently bad; they represent survival strategies that helped us navigate our early relationships. Healing isn’t about erasing these patterns but understanding their origin and showing compassion toward them. Approaching how to heal anxious attachment in relationships gently involves exploring how far back these patterns go, recognizing them as valid, adaptive responses to past experiences, and gradually learning to meet your needs in new, healthier ways.

Introducing “Heal Insecure Attachment”: A Transformational Self-Study Course

If you’re ready to go beyond theory and dive into real transformation, my self-study course, Heal Insecure Attachment, is designed to help you truly understand and reshape your attachment patterns. Unlike many courses that focus solely on attachment theory, this course is focused on practical, experiential healing. In Heal Insecure Attachment, you’ll explore your own attachment patterns in-depth, working to address and heal attachment wounds with a blend of hands-on, somatic practices, self-soothing techniques, and other experiential exercises. By learning how to heal anxious attachment in relationships, you’ll develop the tools to reduce relationship anxiety, access greater security, and step into a more grounded, secure sense of self.

This course is designed to guide you through somatic exercises that help calm your nervous system and self-soothing techniques to reduce feelings of attachment-related stress. You’ll also gain valuable skills for boundary-setting, voicing your needs, and communicating effectively—skills essential for creating safe, supportive, and secure relationships. As you engage with each practice, you’ll find yourself stepping into your secure self, better equipped to handle relationship challenges from a place of stability and calm. So, if you’re looking for how to heal anxious attachment in relationships, this transformational, skills-based approach will empower you with real, lasting tools to foster the connections you truly want.

Therapy

If you’d like guided support on healing anxious attachment with inner child healing, I recommend internal family systems therapy. This helps you to nuild a secure internal attachment. If this resonates, go to my home page to view my current availability for booking a session. I offer virtual therapy for those in the UK, US & Europe.