Understanding IFS and Shame: The Pathway to Relational Presence

Shame is one of the most common, yet often hidden, human experiences. It can feel heavy, isolating, and inescapable, whispering that we are not enough, that we are flawed, or that there is something inherently wrong with us. Unlike guilt, which focuses on behaviors, shame targets the self, making it a powerful and sometimes paralyzing emotion. Many of us carry shame from childhood experiences, relational wounds, or cultural messages, and it can quietly shape the way we think, act, and relate to others.

Fortunately, IFS and shame work together in a gentle, effective approach to understanding and healing these deep feelings. Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, IFS views the mind as naturally composed of different “parts,” each with its own emotions, thoughts, and roles. Instead of trying to suppress, ignore, or fix our emotions, IFS invites us to explore them with curiosity, compassion, and self-awareness. In the context of shame, this approach can be particularly transformative, because it allows us to see shame not as a personal failing, but as a part of ourselves trying to be heard and understood.

What Shame Looks Like in IFS

When exploring IFS and shame, shame is often carried by a specific part of the system, typically an Exile – a vulnerable, wounded part that holds pain, fear, or feelings of inadequacy. Protective parts, such as inner critics, perfectionists, or people-pleasers, often develop strategies to manage or hide this shame from consciousness, trying to prevent rejection, failure, or further pain. These protective parts are not “bad” or malicious; rather, they are trying to help in the only ways they know how.

For example, someone may lash out at others, withdraw socially, or overwork themselves to avoid feeling shame. Beneath these behaviors, however, lies a part that feels deeply unworthy. By understanding the roles of these parts through IFS and shame work, the shame can be approached with curiosity rather than judgment, creating space for healing and integration.

The Role of the Self in Healing Shame

One of the core concepts of IFS is the Self, the calm, compassionate centre of consciousness that exists within each person. The Self has qualities such as curiosity, calmness, compassion, and clarity, and it can observe and relate to parts without being overwhelmed by them. When shame arises, it often feels all-encompassing, but approaching it from the perspective of the Self allows for a new, more compassionate experience.

Rather than thinking, “I am shameful,” IFS and shame work encourages us to recognize, “A part of me is feeling shame.” This subtle shift creates separation, or unblending, between the Self and the part, allowing us to respond from a place of curiosity and care instead of reactive self-criticism. Over time, this approach reduces the intensity of shame and fosters deeper connection with our own internal system.

Common Shame Dynamics in IFS

When exploring IFS and shame, shame often manifests in predictable patterns. Protective parts can dominate consciousness, creating a sense that shame is the entire self. Vulnerable exiles may hold fear, sadness, or a deep sense of unworthiness, and attempts to manage or hide shame can lead to perfectionism, withdrawal, anger, or people-pleasing. Recognizing these dynamics is essential in IFS and shame work, because it allows for compassionate engagement with shame rather than suppression or avoidance.

A Gentle IFS Process for Working with Shame

When exploring IFS and shame, shame is an emotion that is explored with openness, compassion and curiosity. It may look like this in an IFS session:

Preparation: Find a quiet, comfortable space where you won’t be interrupted. Sit or lie down, close your eyes, and take a few slow, deep breaths. Notice tension or discomfort in your body and allow yourself to arrive in the present moment. Preparing in this way helps create the calm, focused energy of the Self, which is essential when working with shame in IFS.

Identify the shame-filled part: Bring awareness inward and notice which part of you carries shame most intensely. It might appear as a harsh inner critic, a perfectionist, or a part that withdraws from intimacy or connection. Observe its thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations. Label it gently: “This is the part that feels shame.”

Dialogue with the part: Invite this part into a conversation. Ask questions like, “What are you trying to do for me?” or “How do you feel when you carry this shame?” Listen attentively. Responses may come as words, images, or bodily sensations. In IFS, dialogue is essential for understanding the protective intentions behind shame.

Notice the exiles: Often, shame is a protective layer over a more vulnerable part. These exiles may carry fear, sadness, or a deep sense of unworthiness. Observe them without judgment, allowing their presence to be acknowledged. Simply noticing these exiled parts is a crucial first step in healing shame through IFS.

Shift language to “I notice”: Instead of saying, “I am shameful,” try, “I notice a part of me that feels shame.” Or instead of, “I am not enough,” try, “I notice a part that worries it’s not enough.” This small shift separates the Self from the shame-filled part and invites curiosity rather than judgment.

Visualize separation: Imagine the shame-filled part gently stepping back, creating a healthy distance from the Self. Notice how it feels to observe shame rather than be consumed by it. In IFS, this visualization helps unblend the Self from the shame-filled part, creating space for understanding and compassion.

Offer compassion: Speak to the part with kindness. Recognize that even if it feels critical or harsh, it is trying to protect you from pain, rejection, or failure. At the same time, offer reassurance to the exiles it shields, letting them know they are safe, seen, and valued.

Check in with yourself: After a few minutes, notice your body and mind. Is there tension, heaviness, or relief? Do you feel calmer or more present? Reflection helps integrate the experience and solidifies the unblending from shame.

Integration: Commit to continuing this dialogue over time. Each session reinforces separation, strengthens Self-energy, and allows shame-filled parts to feel acknowledged rather than rejected. With consistent practice, shame loses its overwhelming power, and internal harmony grows.

Seeking Permission from Protector Parts

A critical aspect of IFS and shame work is recognizing that protective parts may fear overwhelm, judgment, or exposure. These parts often act as gatekeepers, preventing vulnerable exiles from being accessed too quickly. If we try to push into shame-filled parts without permission, these protectors can become resistant or defensive, making the process harder and sometimes intensifying shame.

To work effectively, begin by acknowledging these protective parts and asking for their permission. For example, you might say, “I notice you are trying to protect me. May I speak with the part carrying shame?” or “I see you are worried about overwhelm—can I listen to the part behind you gently?” This simple act of seeking permission shows respect for the protective part, helping it feel safe rather than threatened.

Sometimes, protector parts will express fear that the shame will be too painful, or that self-judgment will increase. It’s important to respond with reassurance: “I will approach slowly, and I won’t let you or the exiled part be harmed. I am here as the Self to support both of you.” By negotiating with protector parts, we create an internal alliance, reducing resistance and fostering a safer environment for shame exploration.

Once permission is granted, even tentatively, the Self can approach the shame-filled part gently, opening dialogue, noticing exiles, and offering compassion. Over time, protector parts often relax, seeing that the Self can manage the intensity of shame without harm, and the internal system becomes more integrated and balanced.

Integrating IFS and Shame in Daily Life

When exploring IFS and shame, the inner work doesn’t have to be limited to formal sessions. Mindful check-ins between sessions can help you notice when shame arises and identify which part is carrying it, allowing you to observe it from the Self. Journaling is another way to communicate with shame-filled parts or exiles carrying vulnerability. Gentle reminders of self-compassion can help when shame emerges unexpectedly, and simple breathing or visualization exercises can create space between the Self and shame-filled parts when feeling overwhelmed.

Over time, these practices reduce the intensity of shame and strengthen the capacity of the Self to lead with curiosity, compassion, and clarity. Protector parts learn to trust the Self, shame-filled parts feel seen, and internal harmony grows.

From Shame to Undeniable Presence

Shame can feel heavy, isolating, and defining, convincing us that we are “not enough.” From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, shame is carried by parts that took on protective or critical roles early in life, trying to keep us safe from rejection, judgment, or harm. These parts are not our enemy, they are doing their best to protect us, but their strategies can leave us feeling small, self-critical, or unworthy. By meeting these parts with curiosity and compassion, we can begin to transform shame into understanding, and reclaim a sense of inner strength that has always been within us.

Through IFS and shame work, we learn that true self-confidence isn’t something we have to prove or perform, it’s something we can carry as an energy, a quiet but undeniable presence.

This confidence has an edge: it is grounded, clear, and self-assured, radiating without words or explanations. When we hold this energy, we don’t need to convince anyone of our worth; we simply exist from a place of inner trust, self-leadership, and integrity. In this way, confidence becomes a natural extension of who we are, fully integrated into our system, and available in every moment of life.

True confidence is not about performance, achievements, or convincing others, it is about relational presence.

Through IFS work, we learn to carry a quiet, grounded energy of self-assurance that others can sense without us needing to speak or prove anything. This confidence has an edge: it is clear, authentic, and self-contained, rooted in inner trust and Self-leadership. In relationships, this presence allows us to show up fully without defensiveness or overcompensation, creating connection from authenticity rather than obligation or performance.

IFS and Shame Work in Newcastle, UK

IFS and shame work is a non-linear, compassionate, and deeply reparative approach to understanding and healing parts shaped by shame, self-blame, and unworthiness. Rather than trying to eliminate shame, Internal Family Systems helps us meet the protective and wounded parts that carry it with curiosity and care. In Newcastle, UK, I offer a warm, affirming, and collaborative space for IFS and shame work, available both in person and online.

You can begin your journey with IFS and shame work by following these steps:

• Reach out to arrange a free 15-minute consultation.
• Share what you hope to explore in therapy. This informal conversation helps us see whether we resonate and would be a good fit.
• Begin IFS and shame work and start developing a more compassionate, integrated relationship with yourself.

Through this process, many clients experience a softening of shame-based patterns, stronger internal safety and self-acceptance, improved emotional regulation, and a growing sense of confidence and self-trust.

Conclusion

Shame is a powerful, often hidden emotion, but through IFS, it can be approached with curiosity, kindness, and understanding. By identifying shame-filled parts, dialoguing with them, noticing exiles, seeking permission from protective parts, and practicing separation from the Self, we can gradually transform shame from a source of suffering into an opportunity for growth.

Whether practiced in therapy or in daily life, IFS and shame provide a structured yet flexible approach to working with inner emotional dynamics, offering hope, healing, and a path toward self-acceptance. Each part, even those that generate shame, has a valuable message, and by engaging them compassionately, we can cultivate inner harmony, resilience, and freedom.

IFS and Guilt: From Emotionally Overly-Responsible to Unapologetic

Guilt is one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences. For many people, guilt feels heavy, chronic, and inescapable, shaping decisions, relationships, and self-worth. It can quietly dictate how much we give, how little we rest, and how often we ignore our own needs. Yet guilt is not inherently harmful. When understood and held in the right context, it can be an important guide toward repair, integrity, and relational care.

Internal Family Systems offers a powerful way of understanding guilt without pathologizing it. Through the lens of IFS and guilt, we begin to see that guilt is not a singular voice of truth, but an experience carried by specific parts of us, each with its own history, intention, and fear. Some forms of guilt are aligned with our values and Self-energy. Others are shaped by trauma, attachment wounds, and relational survival strategies such as codependency.

This article explores the difference between healthy and unhealthy guilt, particularly in relational contexts where boundaries are blurred and emotional labor becomes one-sided. We will look at how guilt operates within the internal system, how it fuels rescuer patterns, and how IFS can help us move from compulsive responsibility toward grounded, Self-led choice.

Healthy Guilt and the Role of Self

Healthy guilt arises when our actions fall out of alignment with our values. In IFS terms, this often involves a part sometimes referred to as a believer, a part that holds values connected to honesty, care, responsibility, and relational repair. When this believer is not burdened by fear or trauma, guilt serves a constructive function.

In this context, guilt does not attack the self or spiral into self-punishment. Instead, it creates clarity. It helps us notice that something matters to us. From a Self-led place, healthy guilt allows us to take responsibility while also holding compassion for our limitations as human beings. We are able to say, “I made a mistake,” rather than, “I am a mistake.”

Through the lens of IFS and guilt, healthy guilt is experienced with proportion and softness. It invites reflection rather than urgency. It often leads to repair through honest conversation, apology, or changed behavior. Importantly, this process includes self-forgiveness. There is room to acknowledge impact without collapsing into shame or chronic self-blame.

Healthy guilt also respects boundaries. It does not demand self-erasure or over-functioning. It allows responsibility to exist alongside self-care, dignity, and mutuality.

When Guilt Becomes Burdened

Unhealthy guilt often feels very different. Instead of clarity, it brings anxiety, pressure, and a sense of looming consequence. This type of guilt is rarely about the present moment alone. It is usually amplified by parts that carry old wounds, particularly exiles that learned early on that love, safety, or belonging depended on being good, compliant, or emotionally useful.

In IFS and guilt work, these exiles are often burdened with fears of abandonment, rejection, punishment, or being seen as selfish. When guilt activates these parts, it can feel intolerable. The nervous system responds as though something terrible will happen if the guilt is not immediately resolved.

This is where protector parts step in. Often, these protectors take the form of rescuers. Their job is to reduce the intensity of guilt and prevent the exile from being overwhelmed. They do this by pushing us into action: fixing, apologizing, over-explaining, caretaking, or giving more than we realistically have to give.

While these protectors are trying to help, their strategies often come at a cost. The relief they provide is temporary, and the actions they drive can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and further guilt.

IFS and Guilt in Codependent Dynamics

Codependent relationships provide fertile ground for unhealthy guilt to take hold. In these dynamics, one person often becomes emotionally over-responsible for the other. This may look like regulating another person’s emotions, prioritizing their needs over one’s own, or feeling compelled to provide constant reassurance, availability, or support.

Through the lens of IFS and guilt, codependency is not a character flaw but a survival strategy. Rescuer parts learned that connection or safety depended on being needed. Guilt becomes the internal mechanism that keeps the pattern running. If we consider setting a boundary or turning toward ourselves, guilt flares up, warning us that we are being selfish, uncaring, or dangerous to the relationship.

Over time, this leads to chronic stress. The nervous system rarely gets to rest because it is always monitoring someone else’s emotional state. Emotional energy is consistently given outward, often without being replenished. When care is not reciprocated or emotional needs are not equally met, sadness and resentment can quietly build.

Many people in these patterns experience anxiety or depressive symptoms, not because they do not care enough, but because they care too much without adequate internal or external support.

The Rescuer Loop

One of the most common patterns in unhealthy guilt is what can be understood as a loop. Guilt activates an exile that fears loss or rejection. A rescuer part then steps in quickly, attempting to reduce the discomfort by taking action. This might involve soothing someone else, sacrificing personal needs, or absorbing emotional labor that does not truly belong to us.

The system may feel temporary relief, but the underlying imbalance remains. The rescuer becomes exhausted. The exile remains fearful. Guilt intensifies because resentment or depletion sets in, or because the rescuer’s actions violate deeper values around authenticity and self-respect.

From an IFS and guilt perspective, this loop is not a failure of willpower. It is a system doing exactly what it learned to do in order to survive relationally. The key to change is not forcing boundaries but slowing the process down and bringing Self-energy into the system.

Boundaries as an Act of Self-Leadership

Boundaries are often misunderstood as withdrawal or rejection. In truth, boundaries are an expression of Self-leadership. They clarify what is ours to carry and what is not. They protect emotional energy so that care can be offered sustainably rather than compulsively.

When boundaries are absent, guilt tends to fill the gap. We rely on guilt to tell us when we have done enough, but guilt has no off-switch. In contrast, boundaries provide structure. They allow responsibility and compassion to exist without self-abandonment.

IFS and guilt work helps us see that boundary-setting often triggers protector fears. Rescuers may worry that the relationship will fall apart or that we will be judged or abandoned. Rather than overriding these parts, IFS invites us to seek their permission, understand their concerns, and reassure them that the Self is present and capable of navigating relational discomfort.

As protectors begin to trust the Self, guilt softens. Choices become clearer. Giving becomes intentional rather than obligatory.

Transforming Guilt Through IFS

Working with guilt through IFS begins with noticing. Instead of asking whether guilt is justified, we ask which part is feeling guilty and what it is afraid would happen if it stopped. This shift alone can reduce the intensity of the experience.

From a Self-led place, we can turn toward guilt with curiosity. We can listen to the exile underneath it, offering validation for the fear or pain it carries. We can also acknowledge the protector that has been working so hard to keep us connected, safe, or valued.

Over time, IFS and guilt work allows guilt to change its role. Instead of driving urgency and self-sacrifice, it becomes a quieter signal that can be evaluated thoughtfully. We gain the capacity to pause, reflect, and choose actions that align with both our values and our wellbeing.

Healthy Relational Relating

Healthy relationships are not free of guilt, but they are free of chronic guilt. In healthy relational relating, emotional responsibility is shared. Both people are accountable for their own regulation and growth. Support flows in both directions, and boundaries are respected rather than punished.

In these relationships, guilt may arise when repair is needed, but it does not demand self-erasure. It coexists with self-respect. There is room for difference, for limits, and for care that does not cost one person their sense of self.

From the perspective of IFS and guilt, healthy relating is deeply connected to Self-energy. When the Self leads, we can stay connected without losing ourselves. We can say no without collapsing. We can care without rescuing.

IFS and Guilt: Understanding Where Guilt Comes From

Through the lens of IFS and guilt, guilt is not a character flaw, it is a protective strategy. Many parts learned early on that feeling guilty kept relationships intact, prevented conflict, or ensured emotional safety. These parts may have taken on the role of appeasing others, anticipating needs, or prioritizing harmony over authenticity. In IFS work, guilt is understood as a signal from a part that once worked very hard to protect you. When we slow down and listen, guilt often reveals a deeper fear of rejection, abandonment, or shame. Understanding guilt in this way replaces shame with curiosity and creates space for healing rather than self-judgment.

IFS and Guilt: Transforming Guilt Into Unapologetic Self-Leadership

In IFS and guilt work, becoming unapologetic doesn’t mean eliminating guilt, it means transforming your relationship with it. As Self-leadership strengthens, guilt no longer runs the system or dictates behavior. Instead, guilt is acknowledged, reassured, and integrated. Protective parts learn that boundaries, honesty, and self-expression do not threaten connection in the way they once did. Over time, guilt softens and becomes information rather than control. Being unapologetic, from an IFS perspective, is the ability to honor your truth while staying connected to yourself, even when discomfort arises. This integration allows authenticity, clarity, and self-trust to replace chronic self-doubt and over-responsibility.

Moving Forward

Healing unhealthy guilt is not about becoming less caring. It is about becoming more conscious. It is about learning to recognize when guilt is aligned with values and when it is driven by fear and burdened parts. It is about reclaiming emotional energy so that care can be offered from fullness rather than depletion.

IFS and guilt work reminds us that we are not broken for feeling responsible, sensitive, or deeply relational. These qualities often reflect profound strengths. With the support of Self-leadership, boundaries, and internal compassion, guilt can transform from a source of chronic stress into a guide that supports integrity, connection, and sustainable care.

When guilt is no longer running the system, something softens. Choice returns. And relationships become places where we can show up fully, without losing ourselves in the process.

IFS and Guilt Work in Newcastle, UK

IFS and guilt work is a gentle, compassionate way to explore the emotional weight of guilt, over-responsibility, and chronic self-blame. For many people, guilt is not simply about actions in the present, but is shaped by earlier relational experiences, attachment wounds, and learned survival strategies. Using Internal Family Systems, we can begin to understand how guilt operates within your internal system and how it has been trying to protect you.

In my Newcastle, UK practice, I offer a warm, affirming, and collaborative therapeutic space to explore IFS and guilt at a pace that feels safe and respectful. I also offer online therapy for those who prefer or need remote support.

Beginning therapy is a relational process, and it starts gently. You can begin your journey with IFS and guilt work in the following way:

First, get in touch to arrange a free 15-minute consultation. This initial conversation gives you the opportunity to ask questions, share a little about what brings you to therapy, and get a sense of whether this approach feels right for you.

Next, we will talk together about what you are hoping to explore. This is an informal, pressure-free conversation focused on understanding your experiences of guilt, responsibility, boundaries, or relational stress, and whether we feel like a good fit to work together.

From there, we can begin IFS and guilt work, supporting you to build a more compassionate, Self-led relationship with the parts of you that carry guilt, fear, or over-responsibility. Over time, this work can help reduce chronic stress, soften internal pressure, and create more space for choice, balance, and self-trust.

Through IFS and guilt work, it is possible to release patterns of self-abandonment, strengthen internal attachment and emotional regulation, and develop healthier boundaries in relationships. As your internal system becomes more supported and integrated, new possibilities for connection, stability, and fulfilment can emerge externally as well. Healing is possible, and it begins from within.

IFS for Inner Critic Work: From Self-Criticism to Self-Empowerment

Many of us carry an inner critic, a voice that tells us we are not good enough, flawed, or destined to fail. This inner critic can be subtle, nagging, or relentless. It may appear as perfectionism, self-doubt, guilt, or constant comparison. It can make even ordinary challenges feel overwhelming, and over time, it can erode self-esteem, confidence, and joy.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a compassionate framework to understand and work with the inner critic. Rather than trying to eliminate the critical voice, IFS helps us uncover why it exists, what it is protecting, and how it developed. IFS for inner critic work is about recognising that the voice is not a flaw or a personal failure, it is a part of the system, often acting with good intentions, even if its methods are harsh or painful.

This blog explores IFS for inner critic in depth, including the origins of the inner critic, its connection to shame, how it manifests, the types of parts involved, the impact on our lives, and how a gentle IFS process can help you relate to, heal, and integrate this part of yourself, so you become more confident and unapologetic about who you are.

The Origins of the Inner Critic

The inner critic often originates in early life experiences when children encounter caregivers who are inconsistent, critical, controlling, or neglectful. When a child does not receive consistent attunement or unconditional acceptance, the nervous system develops protective strategies to survive emotionally and socially.

These strategies often manifest as internalized rules and voices: “I must be perfect to be loved,” “I should not make mistakes,” or “If I express my needs, I will be rejected.” Over time, these protective voices solidify into what we now call the inner critic.

The inner critic also often carries intergenerational burdens. Caregivers who were raised in critical, controlling, or abusive environments may have unconsciously transmitted shame, perfectionism, and harsh self-judgment to their children. Internal family systems for inner critic work acknowledges this legacy without blame, helping us understand that these parts once served to protect us in environments that felt unsafe or conditional.

The Connection Between Inner Critic and Shame

Shame and the inner critic are closely intertwined. Shame is the deep, pervasive feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with us that we are flawed, broken, or unworthy. It often forms in childhood when conditional love, neglect, or abuse teaches us to suppress our authentic selves to survive emotionally.

The inner critic often carries the voice of shame forward. It whispers, “You’re not enough,” “You’re flawed,” or “You must hide this part of yourself to be accepted.” Shame fuels the critic, making its voice feel heavy, persistent, and automatic.

In IFS for inner critic work, we recognise that both shame and the critic are adaptive survival mechanisms. They developed to protect vulnerable parts of ourselves, even if their methods now limit our ability to live fully and confidently. By working with the critic and the parts it protects, IFS provides a way to soften shame, release its burden, and reclaim self-compassion.

How the Inner Critic Manifests

The inner critic can appear in many forms. Some common ways include:

• Perfectionism and relentless self-expectations
  
• Guilt, shame, and self-blame
  
• Overthinking and rumination
  
• People-pleasing to avoid criticism
  
• Self-sabotage or procrastination
  
• Comparing ourselves to others constantly
  
• Fear of failure or rejection

It is important to remember that these patterns are not evidence of personal failure, they are adaptive survival strategies developed early in life. The inner critic often tries to prevent pain or rejection by keeping us small, cautious, or compliant.

Parts Involved in IFS for Inner Critic

In IFS, the inner critic is typically a protector part. Protector parts serve to shield vulnerable exiles, the younger parts of ourselves that carry raw pain, shame, or fear. In the context of the inner critic:

• Protector parts may appear as judgmental voices, perfectionist drives, guilt-laden thoughts, or hyper-vigilant monitoring of your actions.
  
• Exiles may hold deep vulnerability, fear of rejection, or feelings of inadequacy—parts that the inner critic is trying to protect by keeping you safe from further pain.

Understanding this dynamic is essential in IFS for inner critic. The critical voice is often a well-intentioned, though misguided, part attempting to prevent emotional hurt, failure, or rejection.

The Impact of the Inner Critic on Daily Life

An active inner critic can affect all areas of life. It may:

• Limit personal growth by creating fear of failure or judgment
  
• Interfere with relationships by creating doubt, mistrust, or excessive self-monitoring
  
• Cause emotional overwhelm, anxiety, and depression
  
• Lead to procrastination, avoidance, or self-sabotaging behaviors

These patterns often feel automatic, as if the inner critic is speaking for us, rather than being a part we can observe, understand, and relate to. IFS for inner critic helps create this space, allowing us to step back, notice the part, and engage with it from Self-energy.

A Gentle IFS Process for Inner Critic

Internal family systems work with the inner critic begins with curiosity, presence, and compassion. We are not trying to fix the critic or eliminate it. Instead, we aim to understand the part, its motivations, and the vulnerable parts it protects.

Find a quiet, safe space. Sit comfortably and breathe slowly. Allow your body to arrive in the present moment. Notice tension, tightness, or restlessness without trying to change it.

Recall a mild situation where your inner critic was active. This could be a moment where you thought, “I’m not good enough,” or “I shouldn’t have said that.” It does not need to be intense; even a small discomfort is enough to explore your inner system.

Bring awareness to your body. Notice any sensations: a tight chest, a clenched jaw, a sinking stomach, or a sense of constriction or heaviness. These are somatic signals of the inner critic at work.

Notice the internal voices. You may hear a voice criticizing you, saying, “You’re selfish”, “You’re a failure,” “You should be better,” or “You’ll embarrass yourself.” This is a protector part trying to prevent pain, rejection, or shame. At the same time, you may sense a younger, vulnerable part whispering, “I’m unworthy” or “I don’t belong.” This is the exile carrying shame or fear.

Stay present with both parts. Rather than trying to fix or silence anything, simply observe. Notice the protector’s attempts to shield the system and the exile’s vulnerability. The goal is to build a relationship with both: the critic that is trying to protect you and the younger part that carries pain or fear.

Unblend from the parts. Shift your language from, “I’m not good enough,” to, “I notice a part of me that feels not good enough.” This small change allows curiosity and compassion to enter, moving you from being fused with the part to having a relationship with it.

Bring curiosity. Gently ask the exile, “How long have you carried this? What are you protecting me from?” Ask the protector, “How are you helping me survive? What would happen if I listened differently?” Allow answers to emerge as words, images, or bodily sensations.

Offer compassion. Recognize that the protector has positive intentions, even if its methods are harsh. The exile may need only to be seen, heard, and held.

Return to Self-energy. Self-energy is your calm, curious, and compassionate presence. It can witness and hold these experiences without being overwhelmed. Bring this presence to both protector and exile, offering care, patience, and understanding.

Healing the Inner Critic Is Not Linear

Healing the inner critic is not a one-time process. Many people carry critical voices for decades, and these patterns have become automatic. Internal family systems for inner critic work is about relationship building. Over time, as you connect with the parts carrying criticism and the parts being protected, they can release old burdens, heal, and integrate.

There will be ups and downs. Some days, the critic may seem louder, other days softer. The key is returning with curiosity and compassion, noticing small shifts, and maintaining presence with the parts. Healing emerges gradually, often in ways that feel subtle but deeply transformative.

From Self-Criticism to Self-Empowerment

As the inner critic softens, something remarkable happens. You may notice a sense of confidence, clarity, and self-assuredness emerging. You no longer need to shrink, hide, or preempt criticism to survive. Integrating the critic and the parts it protects allows you to own your edge, assert boundaries, and stand fully in your truth.

You begin to recognize: “I belong to myself. I am enough. I do not need to sacrifice my integrity or self-respect for approval.” This empowerment comes from within, rooted in relationship, curiosity, and Self-energy, and allows you to move through the world with authenticity and resilience.

IFS for Inner Critic in Newcastle, UK

IFS for inner critic work is a non-linear, compassionate, and effective approach to working with self-critical parts and vulnerable exiles. In Newcastle, UK, I provide a warm, affirming, and collaborative space for this work, available both in person and online.

You can begin your journey with IFS for inner critic by following these steps:

1. Reach out to arrange a free, 15-minute consultation.
   
2. Talk about what you hope to explore in therapy. This informal conversation helps us see if we resonate and would be a good fit.
   
3. Begin IFS for inner critic work and start nurturing a more compassionate, integrated, and confident relationship with yourself.

Through this process, you can release self-critical patterns, strengthen internal attachment, self-acceptance, better emotional regulation, and self-assuredness. 

IFS Therapy for Complex PTSD: Healing Developmental Trauma from the Inside Out

Complex PTSD (CPTSD) develops in response to prolonged, repeated exposure to threat, often within relationships where safety, care, and protection were expected but not consistently available. Unlike single-incident trauma, complex PTSD shapes not only how someone responds to stress, but how they experience themselves, others, and the world.

People living with complex PTSD may struggle with emotional regulation, shame, relationship difficulties, hypervigilance, dissociation, people-pleasing, or a persistent sense of being unsafe or “too much.” These patterns are not signs of weakness or pathology. They are intelligent adaptations formed in environments where survival depended on them.

IFS therapy for complex PTSD offers a compassionate and structured approach to understanding these adaptations and supporting deep, lasting healing.

Understanding Complex PTSD

Complex PTSD often emerges from experiences such as childhood abuse or neglect, growing up in an unpredictable or emotionally unsafe home, domestic violence, coercive control, or long-term relational trauma. In these environments, the nervous system learns that danger is ongoing rather than time-limited.

Growing up without reliable safety can shape core beliefs and bodily responses, including:

• Constant scanning for threat
  
• Fear of anger, conflict, or abandonment
  
• Difficulty trusting others or oneself
  
• Shame about needs, emotions, or mistakes
  
• A sense of responsibility for other people’s feelings

Rather than developing from a single memory, CPTSD becomes woven into the fabric of the internal system. IFS therapy for complex PTSD works with this reality by focusing on safety, relationship, and internal trust before attempting to process traumatic material.

Why IFS Therapy Is Well Suited to Complex PTSD

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy understands the mind as made up of multiple “parts,” each with its own perspective, role, and emotional tone. Alongside these parts is the Self — a core state of calm, curiosity, compassion, clarity, and connection that exists in everyone, regardless of trauma history.

In complex PTSD, parts often become fragmented or stuck in survival roles that were once adaptive but may now cause distress. IFS therapy does not attempt to eliminate these parts. Instead, it helps you understand why they formed, what they are protecting, and how they can be supported to soften over time.

IFS therapy for complex PTSD is particularly effective because it:

• Prioritises internal safety
  
• Moves at the pace of the nervous system
  
• Avoids re-traumatisation
  
• Integrates emotional, cognitive, and somatic awareness
  
• Treats symptoms as meaningful communications, not problems

Healing happens through relationship — first within, and then outward into the world.

The IFS Model Applied to Complex PTSD

IFS describes three main categories of parts: exiles, managers, and firefighters. In CPTSD, these parts often work extremely hard to keep the system functioning.

Exiles: The Parts That Carry Trauma

Exiles hold the emotional pain from past experiences — fear, grief, shame, loneliness, terror, or helplessness. In complex PTSD, exiles may carry deep fears such as:

• Fear of anger or retaliation
  
• Fear of being abandoned or rejected
  
• Fear of needs causing harm
  
• Fear that safety is temporary

These parts are often pushed out of awareness because their feelings were overwhelming or unsafe to express at the time they formed. Yet they continue to influence present-day reactions, relationships, and self-perception.

Managers: Preventing Pain Before It Happens

Manager parts are proactive. Their role is to control internal and external environments to prevent the exiles’ pain from being activated. In CPTSD, managers may appear as:

• Perfectionism
  
• Hyper-responsibility
  
• Emotional suppression
  
• People-pleasing or fawning
  
• Over-thinking and constant monitoring

These parts often believe that if everything is handled “correctly,” danger can be avoided.

Firefighters: Shutting Down Overwhelm

Firefighters act reactively when emotions break through despite managers’ efforts. Their job is to quickly extinguish distress. In complex PTSD, firefighters may use dissociation, numbing, impulsive actions, or emotional shutdown to restore a sense of control.

IFS therapy for complex PTSD approaches all of these parts with respect, recognising that each one developed to protect the system from further harm.

Common Protector Roles in Complex Trauma

Certain protector roles are especially common when safety depended on relationships:

• Rescuer: Prevents others from experiencing consequences to maintain connection
  
• Caretaker: Prioritises others’ emotions while neglecting one’s own
  
• Over-giver: Gives excessively and struggles with boundaries
  
• Fixer: Takes responsibility for other people’s problems
  
• Perfectionist: Believes mistakes lead to danger or rejection
  
• Shaming judge: Criticises other parts to maintain control

IFS therapy for complex PTSD helps you understand these roles not as personality flaws, but as survival strategies shaped by early environments.

How IFS Therapy Supports Healing from Complex PTSD

IFS therapy helps you build trusting relationships with your parts. Through curiosity and compassion, protectors gradually relax, allowing exiles to be witnessed and supported without overwhelming the system.

Over time, this process can support:

• Reduced shame and self-blame
  
• Increased emotional regulation
  
• Greater internal safety
  
• More flexible responses to stress
  
• Healthier boundaries and relationships
  
• A stronger sense of identity and self-trust
  

Healing in IFS is not about reliving trauma. It is about helping the system recognise that the danger has passed and that new ways of relating are now possible.

A Gentle IFS-Informed Practice for Complex PTSD

This brief practice reflects how IFS therapy for complex PTSD often begins — by building awareness of protective parts and fostering internal safety, rather than processing traumatic memories.

Find a comfortable position. If it feels okay, close your eyes or soften your gaze. Take a few slow breaths, letting your body settle. Let your parts know there is no right or wrong way to do this, and that they are welcome to step back if they wish.

Bring to mind a mild present-day situation that activates your nervous system — perhaps anticipating conflict, receiving criticism, or being around someone unpredictable. Choose something low to moderate in intensity.

Notice what happens inside.

You may become aware of a protector part that scans for danger, adjusts your behaviour, or tries to keep others calm to prevent anger or escalation. This part may feel tense, alert, or responsible.

Rather than changing it, simply notice it.

Bring your attention to your body. Where do you feel this part most strongly? Perhaps there is tightness in your chest, tension in your shoulders, or a sense of bracing. Allow these sensations to be present.

Gently acknowledge the protector:
“I see how hard you’re working.”

From a place of curiosity, you might ask:

• What are you protecting me from?
  
• How long have you been doing this job?
  
• What are you afraid would happen if you stopped?

You don’t need clear answers. Responses may arise as images, emotions, or bodily sensations.

As you stay present, you may notice a more vulnerable exiled part beneath the protector — perhaps carrying fear of anger, fear of punishment, or fear of things becoming unsafe. You are not required to go toward this part unless it feels right. If it appears, simply let it know:
“I’m here with you now.”

Notice whether you can access even a small amount of calm, curiosity, or compassion. This is Self-energy, the foundation of healing in IFS therapy for complex PTSD.

When you’re ready, gently return your attention to the room. Feel the support beneath you and the steadiness of your breath. Thank your parts for what they shared.

Benefits of IFS Therapy for Complex PTSD

Reduces Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety

Depression and anxiety are common companions of PTSD and complex PTSD, often developing as a result of prolonged stress, emotional suppression, and internal conflict. Many individuals experience persistent low mood, hopelessness, excessive worry, or a sense of emotional exhaustion that feels difficult to shift.

IFS therapy addresses depression and anxiety by helping you understand the internal dynamics that sustain these states. Rather than viewing symptoms as disorders to be eliminated, IFS explores the parts of the system that carry sadness, fear, numbness, or despair, as well as the protective parts that attempt to manage or avoid these feelings.

As parts are met with curiosity and compassion, internal tension begins to ease. Protectors no longer have to work as hard to suppress pain, and exiled parts are gradually supported in releasing the burdens they carry. This process often leads to a natural reduction in depressive and anxious symptoms, without forcing change or bypassing emotional experiences.

Research supports the effectiveness of IFS therapy for individuals with complex trauma histories. In a study by Bromberg (2011), participants reported significant reductions in symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, and depression, alongside increased levels of self-compassion and self-awareness. These findings highlight IFS as a promising and evidence-informed approach for supporting long-term emotional well-being in trauma recovery.

Encourages Empowerment and Agency

PTSD and complex PTSD often leave people feeling powerless, as though their emotions, reactions, or bodily responses are beyond their control. Many individuals describe feeling hijacked by anxiety, fear, or shutdown, with little sense of choice in how they respond to stress or relationships.

IFS therapy offers a pathway to reclaim agency by helping you develop a relationship with your internal system, rather than feeling overwhelmed by it. Instead of being dominated by emotional reactions, you begin to understand which parts are activated and why.

Through IFS, you learn to engage with protective parts that may be driving distressing patterns, such as hyper-vigilance, people-pleasing, or emotional withdrawal and to negotiate with them from a place of curiosity and respect. This internal dialogue allows for more conscious, intentional choices rather than automatic survival responses.

As inner communication improves, a sense of internal cooperation develops. You may begin to trust yourself again, such as your instincts, your boundaries, and your capacity to respond rather than react. This restoration of agency is deeply empowering and supports resilience, which is a central component of healing from PTSD and complex PTSD.

Create Inner Safety 

Trauma often disrupts the relationship between mind and body. Many people with PTSD experience chronic anxiety, hypervigilance, emotional numbness, or dissociation, making it difficult to feel safe even when no immediate threat is present.

IFS therapy helps restore a sense of safety by working with the nervous system rather than against it. Instead of forcing calm or pushing through fear, IFS acknowledges the parts that remain alert or protective and seeks to understand what they are responding to.

By recognising and working with different parts of yourself, you begin to reduce internal conflict and create conditions for regulation. As protectors feel understood and supported, they often soften, allowing the body to gradually come out of survival mode.

The therapeutic relationship within IFS provides a safe, structured environment where emotions and bodily sensations can be explored at a manageable pace. Over time, this helps rebuild trust in your internal experience, allowing you to feel more grounded, present, and connected in daily life.

Improves Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is often compromised in PTSD and complex PTSD due to long-term nervous system activation. Emotions may feel overwhelming, unpredictable, or completely inaccessible.

IFS therapy supports emotional regulation by helping you recognise which parts are experiencing intense emotions, rather than experiencing those emotions as all-consuming. This process of “unblending” allows you to stay present with difficult feelings without being flooded by them.

As you develop relationships with emotional parts, you learn how to respond with curiosity and compassion instead of fear or avoidance. This reduces emotional extremes and supports a more stable internal environment.

Over time, many people find they can tolerate emotions for longer periods, recover more quickly from emotional activation, and feel less at the mercy of sudden mood shifts.

Strengthens Theory of Mind and Relational Understanding

Trauma can significantly impact theory of mind, essentially the ability to understand your own mental states and the mental states of others. In PTSD, this capacity is often narrowed by threat perception, leading to misunderstandings, mistrust, or difficulty interpreting others’ intentions.

IFS therapy naturally strengthens theory of mind by encouraging reflection on internal experiences. As you learn to recognise your own parts ( their fears, motivations, and protective strategies) you also become better able to recognise that others have their own internal systems shaped by their experiences.

This increased mentalisation supports healthier relationships. You may find it easier to pause, reflect, and differentiate between past trauma and present reality. Reactions become less automatic, and communication becomes clearer and more compassionate.

Improved theory of mind fosters emotional resilience, reduces interpersonal conflict, and helps rebuild a sense of connection and belonging, all essential elements in healing from PTSD and complex PTSD.

The Importance of Trauma-Informed Support

Because complex PTSD involves developmental and relational trauma, working with a practitioner trained in trauma-informed IFS is essential. A safe, attuned therapeutic relationship helps the nervous system learn that connection no longer equals danger.

Healing does not mean erasing the past. It means helping your internal system recognise that you are no longer trapped there.

Moving Toward Wholeness

IFS therapy for complex PTSD offers a deeply compassionate path to healing. It honours the intelligence of your survival strategies while gently supporting your system to reorganise around present-day safety.

You are not broken. Your system adapted to survive. With the right support, those adaptations can soften, allowing space for connection, creativity, and a felt sense of safety to emerge.

Healing is not about becoming someone new. It is about coming home to yourself, one part at a time.

IFS Therapy for Complex PTSD in Newcastle, UK

IFS therapy for complex PTSD offers a compassionate, structured, and trauma-informed way to heal from long-term relational and developmental trauma. Rather than pushing you to relive painful experiences, this approach focuses on building internal safety, understanding protective patterns, and gently supporting healing at a pace your nervous system can tolerate.

In Newcastle, UK, I offer IFS therapy for complex PTSD in a warm, collaborative, and affirming space. Sessions are available both in person and online, allowing flexibility and continuity of care.

You can begin your journey with IFS therapy for complex PTSD in three simple steps:

• Reach out to arrange a free 15-minute consultation. This gives you a chance to ask questions, share what brings you to therapy, and get a sense of whether this approach feels right for you.
  
• Talk with me about what you hope to explore. This informal conversation helps us understand your goals, your experiences, and how your nervous system responds to stress and safety.
  
• Begin IFS therapy for complex PTSD. Together, we will gently explore the parts shaped by trauma, build internal trust, and support your system in moving toward greater stability, self-compassion, and resilience.

Through IFS therapy for complex PTSD, you can begin to soften survival patterns that no longer serve you, strengthen your internal sense of safety, and develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself. Over time, this work can support healthier boundaries, deeper connections, and a growing sense of agency in your life.

Healing from complex trauma is not about fixing what is broken, it is about recognising the strength of what helped you survive, and allowing new possibilities to emerge. Healing begins within, and from there, you can move forward with greater clarity, confidence, and presence.