IFS Therapy for Grief: A Compassionate Way to Hold Loss

Grief is not a single emotion. It is a living, shifting internal experience that can include sadness, anger, numbness, longing, relief, guilt, love, and confusion, sometimes all at once. For many people, grief does not move in a straight line. It arrives in waves, retreats, resurfaces unexpectedly, and often carries layers of meaning beyond the loss itself.

IFS therapy for grief offers a gentle and deeply respectful way to understand this complexity. Rather than asking you to move on or resolve grief, this approach helps you build a compassionate relationship with the many parts of you that are grieving, protecting, and trying to survive loss.

Understanding Grief as an Internal System

Grief can arise after the death of a loved one, but it also appears after other forms of loss, such as the end of a relationship, loss of health, infertility, miscarriage, estrangement, or the loss of a future you expected to have. Each of these experiences can activate different emotional responses, often simultaneously.

In Internal Family Systems therapy, grief is understood not as something wrong with you, but as an expression of parts of your internal system responding to loss. One part may feel devastated and empty, another may feel angry or resentful, while yet another tries to stay strong, productive, or emotionally contained.

IFS therapy for grief allows space for all of these responses, without judging them or trying to prioritise one over another.

What Is IFS Therapy and Why It Helps with Grief

Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is based on the idea that we all have multiple parts within us, and that beneath these parts is a core Self that is calm, compassionate, curious, and capable of holding difficult emotions.

When loss occurs, grief-related parts can become intense or polarised. Some parts may feel flooded with sadness or longing, while protective parts may step in to numb feelings, distract, or push grief away in order to function.

IFS therapy for grief works by:

• Helping you identify and understand grieving parts
• Supporting protective parts that are trying to manage pain
• Allowing grief to be expressed at a pace that feels safe
• Strengthening Self-leadership so grief is held rather than overwhelming

This approach does not aim to eliminate grief. Instead, it supports integration, meaning grief becomes something you carry with care rather than something that consumes you.

Common Parts That Show Up in Grief

Grief often involves multiple internal roles, each with its own intention.

You may notice:

• A sad or longing part that misses the person or what was lost
• An angry part that feels the loss was unfair or preventable
• A numb or shut-down part that limits feeling to avoid overwhelm
• A strong or functional part that keeps life going
• A guilty part that questions what was said or done
• An abandoned part that carries hurt and pain of abandonment from a parent

IFS therapy for grief helps you approach these parts with curiosity rather than conflict. None of them are wrong. Each is responding to loss in the way it knows how.

Grief, Protection, and the Nervous System

Loss can activate the nervous system in powerful ways. For some people, grief brings waves of emotion that feel uncontrollable. For others, it leads to emotional shutdown, dissociation, or a sense of unreality.

Protective parts often develop around grief to keep daily life manageable. These protectors might encourage distraction, intellectualising, caretaking others, or avoiding reminders of the loss.

IFS therapy for grief respects these protectors. Rather than pushing past them, the work involves understanding what they are afraid would happen if grief were fully felt. When protectors feel understood, they often relax, allowing grief to be processed in a way that feels contained and humane.

A Gentle IFS-Informed Exercise for Grief

The following exercise is designed to help you meet your grieving parts with compassion. You are not trying to fix grief or make it go away. The intention is simply to listen.

Centering Yourself

Sit comfortably and take a few slow breaths. Notice the support beneath your body. Gently bring awareness to your internal state.

See if you can access even a small sense of calm, curiosity, or kindness within yourself. You do not need to feel calm to begin. Just notice what is present.

Bringing Grief Into Awareness

Gently bring your attention to your grief. This might involve thinking about the person you lost, or noticing a sense of absence or longing.

Observe what arises, thoughts, emotions, images, or physical sensations. There is no need to change anything.

You might notice heaviness in your chest, tightness in your throat, or warmth behind your eyes. Simply acknowledge what is there.

Noticing a Grieving Part

As you stay with the experience, notice if one aspect of the grief stands out more clearly. This might be sadness, anger, numbness, or yearning.

This is likely a part of you carrying some of the grief.

Silently acknowledge it, “I notice a part of me that feels this.”

Creating Gentle Space

If the feeling feels intense, imagine creating a little space between you and the part. You might visualise it sitting beside you, or slightly in front of you.

This helps you stay present as Self, rather than becoming overwhelmed by the emotion.

Listening with Curiosity

From a place of curiosity, gently ask the part:

• What would you like me to know?
• What feels most painful right now?
• How have you been trying to help me?

Allow responses to come in whatever form they do, sensations, words, images, or emotions.

Offering Compassion

Thank the part for sharing. You might say internally, “I’m here with you,” or “You don’t have to carry this alone.”

You are not promising to take the grief away. You are offering presence.

Closing the Exercise

When you feel ready, gently return your attention to the room. Notice your breath and the physical space around you.

You may want to journal about what you noticed, or simply rest.

IFS therapy for grief is built on moments like this, small acts of turning toward pain with care.

How IFS Therapy for Grief Looks in a Session

In a therapy session, IFS therapy for grief unfolds slowly and collaboratively. There is no expectation that you talk about the loss in detail unless it feels right.

The process often begins with noticing what part of you is most present in relation to the grief right now. This might be a part that feels overwhelmed, or a part that wants to avoid the topic entirely.

Beginning with Safety

You and your therapist first establish a sense of safety in the body. This may involve grounding, slowing the breath, or simply noticing sensations.

Grief is approached gently, often starting with a low-intensity experience rather than the most painful moments.

Identifying Protectors

You may notice protective parts that try to manage grief, such as staying busy, minimising feelings, or focusing on others’ needs. These parts are acknowledged and respected.

Rather than asking them to step aside, the therapist helps you understand their role and intention.

Meeting the Grieving Exile

When protectors feel safe enough, you may begin to sense a more vulnerable grieving part underneath. This part might carry deep sadness, longing, or heartbreak.

You are encouraged to relate to this part from Self energy, calm, compassionate, and present.

Unblending from Grief

A key aspect of IFS therapy for grief is unblending. Instead of “I am broken with grief,” the language becomes, “I notice a part of me that is grieving.”

This subtle shift creates space, reduces overwhelm, and allows grief to be held rather than fused with identity.

Offering Presence, Not Fixing

The grieving part is not rushed. Often what it needs most is to be seen, heard, and accompanied.

Over time, this presence allows grief to soften and integrate, without being erased.

How Grief Changes Through IFS Work

With time, many people notice that grief becomes less consuming. It may still arise, but with more spaciousness around it.

IFS therapy for grief often supports:

• Reduced fear of being overwhelmed by grief
• Greater emotional flexibility
• Less internal conflict about how to grieve
• A continued bond with what was lost, without being stuck in pain

Grief does not disappear, but it becomes something you can carry with tenderness rather than fear.

IFS Therapy for Grief and Meaning-Making

Loss often raises existential questions about identity, purpose, and meaning. Parts may struggle with “Who am I now,” or “How do I live with this.”

IFS therapy for grief allows space for these questions without rushing answers. As parts feel supported, new meaning often emerges organically, shaped by your values and lived experience.

​​The Emotional Freedom That Can Emerge Through Grief

Grief is often associated only with pain, but for many people it also marks the end of a long emotional struggle. This is especially true when the person who died was someone you had been grieving for while they were still alive, such as a parent with addiction, mental illness, chronic illness, or emotionally unavailable or abusive behaviour.

In these situations, grief may carry not only sadness, but relief, exhaustion, and a quiet sense of freedom. You may notice that a part of you no longer needs to stay on high alert, no longer needs to hope, argue, fix, or brace for disappointment. This does not mean the love was absent. It means the fight is over.

IFS therapy for grief helps make sense of this complexity by recognising that different parts grieve different losses. One part may mourn the person who died. Another may grieve the relationship you never had. Another may finally feel released from years of emotional labour or vigilance.

For some, grief marks the end of a cycle of longing, anger, or unmet hope. A part that spent years trying to be seen, understood, or loved can finally rest. In this space, memories that were once overshadowed by conflict or pain may soften, allowing room for tenderness, appreciation, or even gratitude for what was good.

This shift can bring a sense of peace that feels confusing or even guilt-inducing. Parts may ask, “Am I allowed to feel lighter?” or “Does relief mean I didn’t care?” IFS therapy for grief gently addresses these concerns by affirming that relief and sadness can coexist, and that emotional freedom does not negate love.

As protectors relax and exiled grief is witnessed, many people find they can remember the person who died with more balance. The relationship becomes internal rather than unresolved. There is less need to fight the past, and more space to hold the full truth, the pain, the love, and the limitations.

In this way, grief can become not only an expression of loss, but a transition into emotional freedom. It marks the closing of a chapter that required constant effort and the opening of a new internal landscape shaped by choice, boundaries, and self-compassion.

IFS therapy for grief supports this process by allowing every part of the experience to be valid. Nothing is rushed. Nothing is forced. And in time, peace can emerge not because the loss disappears, but because the internal system no longer has to struggle against it.

When Grief Feels Complicated or Prolonged

Sometimes grief is complicated by trauma, unresolved relationships, or multiple losses. In these cases, parts may become stuck, either flooded with pain or completely shut down.

IFS therapy for grief is especially helpful here, as it works with complexity rather than trying to simplify it. Each layer of grief is approached with respect and care.

IFS Therapy for Grief: A Path Toward Integration

Grief is not something to get over. It is something to be integrated into your life story.

IFS therapy for grief offers a way to do this without abandoning yourself, rushing your process, or pathologising your pain.

Through compassion, curiosity, and presence, grief becomes part of a wider internal landscape that also includes connection, resilience, and meaning.

IFS Therapy for Grief, Newcastle, UK

If you are living with grief, you do not have to navigate it alone. IFS therapy for grief offers a compassionate, structured approach that honours both your loss and your capacity to heal.

I offer IFS-informed therapy in a safe, supportive environment, where grief is welcomed rather than avoided.

If you are ready to explore how IFS therapy for grief might support you, you are invited to reach out and arrange a consultation. Together, we can create space for your grief to be met with care, dignity, and compassion.

Healing does not mean forgetting. It means learning how to carry love and loss together, with kindness toward yourself.

Living with PTSD can be exhausting, confusing, and isolating. Trauma whether from childhood, accidents, violence, or other life-threatening events can leave long-lasting emotional, cognitive, and physical effects. These experiences shape not only how we think and feel, but also how our bodies respond to stress and safety. While there are many therapeutic approaches, IFS therapy for PTSD offers a gentle, structured, and transformative way to engage with your inner world and begin the healing process.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy helps individuals connect with the different “parts” of themselves in a safe and structured environment. Unlike therapies that push you to relive trauma directly, IFS fosters curiosity, mindfulness, and self-compassion, creating a space where healing can occur naturally. It supports the integration of all internal parts—both those carrying trauma and those protecting you—so that you can begin to feel more whole and empowered.

What Is PTSD?

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that develops after exposure to trauma. Symptoms can include intrusive memories, flashbacks, hypervigilance, avoidance of triggers, emotional numbing, irritability, and difficulty connecting with others. PTSD often affects how you respond to stress in everyday life, and its impact can be subtle or profound.

While “fight or flight” is commonly referenced, PTSD involves a broader range of instinctive responses to danger, all of which are automatic survival mechanisms.

The 5 F’s of PTSD

Beyond fight or flight, the body’s nervous system has other instinctive reactions: freeze, flop, and friend. These five responses are protective strategies that occur without conscious choice:

• Fight: Engaging physically or verbally to resist a threat. This could include saying “no,” defending yourself, or pushing back.
  
• Flight: Removing yourself from danger through running, hiding, or avoiding a stressful situation.
  
• Freeze: Becoming tense, still, or silent. This is common in experiences such as sexual violence or sudden trauma. Freezing is an automatic survival response, not consent.
  
• Flop: The body goes loose or limp, reducing physical suffering while the mind may disengage to protect itself.
  
• Friend: Appeasing, negotiating, or calling for help. This response may involve placating an aggressor or seeking a safe bystander.

Understanding these responses helps normalize PTSD symptoms. They are not signs of weakness, but rather instinctive strategies the body developed to survive.

What Is IFS Therapy?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, is based on the principle that the mind is made up of multiple “parts,” each with its own emotions, thoughts, and roles. Trauma often burdens these parts, leading to protective behaviors that may appear self-critical, avoidant, or reactive.

One key principle of IFS therapy is that all parts have positive intentions, even if their strategies are harmful or limiting. For instance, a part that criticizes or isolates you may be attempting to protect you from future harm based on past experiences. By understanding and addressing the needs of these parts, individuals can help them move out of “bad roles” and into healthier, integrated patterns of behavior.

IFS therapy is also somatic, recognizing the connection between the body and mind. Trauma is often stored physically, appearing as tension, pain, or numbness. By working with bodily sensations alongside internal parts, IFS allows the body and mind to process trauma together, providing a holistic approach to healing.

How IFS Therapy for PTSD Works

IFS therapy for PTSD helps individuals engage with their internal parts mindfully and compassionately. This includes both vulnerable parts that carry trauma and protector parts that developed strategies to keep you safe. The therapy focuses on cultivating a safe internal environment where healing can occur, rather than forcing confrontation with traumatic memories.

During sessions, clients develop mental states that support healing, including:

• Curiosity: Observing internal experiences without judgment.
  
• Calm: Creating emotional regulation and nervous system stability.
  
• Clarity: Understanding patterns, triggers, and part roles.
  
• Connectedness: Feeling integrated and whole.
  
• Courage and Creativity: Approaching trauma and problem-solving with confidence.
  
• Compassion: Responding to vulnerable parts with understanding and care.

By fostering these states, clients access the Self—the calm, compassionate center of awareness, which can witness and hold both protective and vulnerable parts safely.

Self-Compassion and PTSD

A major focus of IFS therapy is self-compassion. Research indicates that self-compassion mediates the relationship between childhood trauma and PTSD symptoms (Barlow et al., 2017). Trauma survivors often carry shame or self-blame, which can intensify PTSD (López-Castro et al., 2019). By cultivating self-compassion, clients reduce self-criticism, increase emotional regulation, and improve overall well-being.

Studies also show that self-compassion is linked to lower depression, anxiety, stress, and body shame (Neff et al., 2007; 2017). In IFS therapy, self-compassion helps clients respond to vulnerable parts with care, rather than judgment, allowing healing to unfold safely and sustainably.

Connection to Bodily Sensations

IFS therapy emphasizes mindful attention to bodily sensations, which can hold unprocessed trauma. By observing how the body responds—tension, tightness, or numbness—clients develop interoceptive awareness, enhancing the capacity to tolerate and process difficult emotions. This mind-body integration is particularly important in PTSD, where physical sensations are often intertwined with traumatic memories.

Benefits of IFS Therapy for PTSD

Research shows IFS therapy can be highly effective for individuals with complex trauma. A study by Bromberg (2011) found significant improvements in PTSD symptoms, anxiety, depression, self-awareness, and self-compassion among participants.

Other benefits include:

• Reduced self-criticism and shame
  
• Increased emotional resilience
  
• Improved interpersonal relationships and boundaries
  
• Stronger internal safety and empowerment
  
• Enhanced capacity to process trauma and live more fully

By engaging with protective and vulnerable parts, clients reclaim energy previously tied up in survival strategies, redirecting it toward meaningful, empowered living.

A Gentle IFS Process for PTSD: Working with a Fawning Protector and a Fearful Exile

IFS therapy for PTSD often involves working with parts that respond to trauma in different ways. One common dynamic is a fawning protector paired with a fearful exile. The fawning part tries to prevent conflict by appeasing others, while the exile carries fear, such as fear of anger or rejection. This gentle, step-by-step process prioritizes safety, compassion, and curiosity.

Step 1: Create a Safe Space

Find a quiet, comfortable environment where you feel secure. Sit or lie down, breathe slowly, and allow your body to arrive fully in the present. Notice tension, tightness, or restlessness—common physical signatures of PTSD.

Step 2: Bring a Mild Trigger to Mind

Choose a low-intensity memory, situation, or sensation that activates your nervous system. For example, recall a time you worried about someone becoming angry or felt pressured to please them. Even a mild 3 or 4 out of 10 intensity is sufficient to start exploring your inner system safely.

Step 3: Connect with Your Body

Notice bodily sensations—chest tightness, stomach tension, shoulder stiffness, or jaw clenching. These signals often carry trauma stored in the body. Observing them helps you connect with your internal parts and their protective strategies.

Step 4: Notice Internal Parts

Identify the parts present in this moment:

• Fawning protector: Seeks to keep you safe by appeasing, pleasing, or anticipating others’ needs.
  
• Fearful exile: Holds the trauma and fear, such as fear of anger, rejection, or punishment.
  
• Recognizing both parts clarifies the protective strategy and the vulnerability it shields.

Step 5: Stay Present with Both Parts

Observe without judgment. Notice the protector’s efforts to maintain safety and the exile’s fear. The goal is to relate compassionately to both—the part that fawns and the part that is fearful—without trying to fix or change them.

Step 6: Unblend from the Parts

Shift from “I must please everyone” to “I notice a part of me that wants to fawn to avoid anger,” and “I notice a part of me that is afraid of anger.” This distinction allows curiosity and compassion to enter, creating a safe relationship with each part.

Step 7: Bring Curiosity

Gently ask your parts questions:

• Exile: “How long have you carried this fear? What are you protecting me from?”
  
• Fawning protector: “How are you helping me survive? What would happen if I listened to you?”

Let answers arise naturally as sensations, words, or images. The pace is guided by the nervous system.

Step 8: Offer Compassion

Recognize that the fawning protector has positive intentions, even if it feels exhausting, and hold the fearful exile with understanding. Simply being seen, heard, and acknowledged fosters profound internal healing.

Step 9: Return to Self-Energy

Self-energy is your calm, curious, compassionate presence. Bringing this energy to both parts fosters integration, safety, and gradual healing, helping the nervous system process trauma safely.

Why IFS Therapy Is Particularly Effective for PTSD

IFS therapy for PTSD works because it:

• Provides a safe internal space for trauma processing
  
• Encourages curiosity, self-compassion, and mindful engagement
  
• Integrates psychological and somatic healing
  
• Addresses complex trauma through unburdening and part integration
  
• Promotes long-term resilience rather than temporary symptom relief
  

Unlike therapies that focus primarily on exposure, IFS prioritizes collaboration with your internal system, making it suitable for complex trauma survivors.

IFS Therapy for PTSD in Newcastle, UK

For those seeking support in Newcastle, UK, IFS therapy for PTSD is available both in-person and online. Sessions provide a safe and compassionate space to explore your internal system, understand your parts, and begin releasing trauma stored in the mind and body.

IFS Therapy for PTSD in Newcastle can help you:

• Reduce PTSD symptoms in daily life
  
• Reconnect safely with emotions and bodily sensations
  
• Build self-compassion and resilience
  
• Navigate complex trauma with structured guidance
  

Starting IFS Therapy

Beginning IFS therapy for PTSD is straightforward:

1. Reach out for a free consultation to discuss your needs
   
2. Explore your therapy goals and experiences
   
3. Begin structured sessions to reconnect with your internal system and promote healing

Through this work, you can release patterns of self-criticism, cultivate self-compassion, and regain confidence and clarity in life.

Conclusion

IFS therapy for PTSD offers a compassionate, structured, and holistic pathway to trauma healing. By engaging with protective and vulnerable parts, fostering self-compassion, and connecting with bodily sensations, you can process trauma safely and integrate experiences that once felt overwhelming.

For individuals in Newcastle, UK, support is available to guide you through this transformative journey. Healing is possible and with IFS therapy, it can be empowering, compassionate, and lasting.

Kitchen Anxiety: Calming Anxiety with Internal Family Systems (IFS)

For many people, the kitchen is meant to be a place of comfort, nourishment, and routine. Yet for others, it becomes a surprisingly intense source of stress. If you notice dread, avoidance, or tension around cooking or eating at home, you may be experiencing kitchen anxiety. This is far more common than people realise, especially in shared living situations.

Kitchen anxiety can show up in subtle ways. You might wait until others leave before cooking, rush through meals, rely on snacks, or avoid eating altogether. Over time, this can affect your mood, energy levels, and sense of safety at home. Through an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, this anxiety is not a flaw, but a protective response shaped by past experiences.

This blog explores kitchen anxiety with compassion and practicality, offering gentle steps to rebuild confidence, nourish your body, and calm your nervous system.

Understanding Kitchen Anxiety

Kitchen anxiety is rarely just about food. More often, it relates to fear of judgment, social anxiety, conflict avoidance, or a sense of not belonging. Shared kitchens can activate worries such as being watched, criticised, or taking up too much space.

You might notice thoughts like,
“What if I’m in the way?”
“What if I do something wrong?”
“What if someone gets annoyed with me?”

From an IFS perspective, these thoughts come from protective parts of you that are trying to keep you safe. Kitchen anxiety often develops in people who learned early on that visibility or mistakes led to shame or conflict. Avoidance then becomes a way to prevent discomfort.

Why Kitchen Anxiety Affects Mental Health

When kitchen anxiety leads to skipping meals or eating very little, anxiety and low mood can increase. The nervous system becomes more sensitive when the body is undernourished. Blood sugar drops, concentration decreases, and emotional regulation becomes harder.

Eating regularly is not just about physical health. It supports emotional stability and resilience. Addressing kitchen anxiety is therefore an important part of caring for your mental wellbeing.

A Home Is Meant to Be a Safe Place

It is normal to feel anxious when sharing space with others. Humans are wired for belonging, and shared kitchens can feel exposed. Still, it can be helpful to gently remind yourself,

 “This is my kitchen too.”

Kitchen anxiety often convinces people that they must minimise themselves to stay safe. In reality, you are allowed to eat, cook, and exist in your home without earning permission.

This reminder is not about forcing confidence, but about offering reassurance to the anxious parts of you that are trying to protect you.

Step 1: Get to Know Your Anxiety

In IFS therapy, anxiety is understood as a part, not your whole identity. Instead of saying “I am anxious,” try saying, “A part of me feels anxious in the kitchen.”

This creates space for curiosity rather than judgment. You might gently ask,
What is this part afraid will happen?
When did it first learn to be this alert?
What is it trying to protect me from?

Kitchen anxiety is often linked to fear of judgment, shame around mistakes, or fear of anger and conflict. These fears usually come from earlier experiences, where we didn’t feel safe even if the current situation feels different.

Step 2: Mindfully Unblend from Self-Criticism and Anxiety

When a critical part takes over and you judge or criticise yourself, your nervous system often shifts into fight or flight. In these moments, the brain responds as if there is a real threat, increasing activation in the amygdala and reducing activity in the prefrontal cortex and frontal lobes, the areas responsible for perspective, planning, emotional regulation, and self-encouragement. From this state, it becomes much harder to think flexibly or soothe yourself, and anxiety can quickly escalate. Internal Family Systems invites a different approach.

Rather than trying to silence the inner critic or argue with anxious thoughts, IFS encourages you to notice the part that is activated. Simply recognising, “A critical part of me is here,” or “An anxious part is really activated right now,” begins the process of unblending. This small shift moves you from being fused with the part to relating to it.

Unblending means mindfully separating from the part just enough to observe it. You are no longer inside the criticism or anxiety, you are in relationship with it. This shift from fusion to relationship creates internal space. As the critical or anxious part is no longer running the system on its own, the nervous system can begin to settle and the sense of threat reduces.

Often, bringing attention into the body helps support this process. Feeling your feet on the floor, noticing your breath, or orienting to your surroundings can help ground you in the present moment. From here, you may gently and internally ask the part if it would be willing to give you a little space. This is not about pushing the part away or making it stop, but about creating enough room for curiosity and clarity to emerge.

Self-compassion plays a central role in unblending. Compassion helps regulate the nervous system and keeps you anchored in reality, rather than being pulled into anxious or shame-driven spirals. Approaching a critical or anxious part with curiosity and appreciation sends a signal of safety to the brain, which further reduces amygdala activation and supports re-engagement of the prefrontal cortex.

Importantly, compassion does not mean ignoring unhelpful behaviours or avoiding responsibility. It means recognising that your reactions make sense in the context of your experiences and that these parts developed to protect you. From this calmer, more spacious place, you are better able to acknowledge patterns that no longer serve you and gently work toward change, guided by understanding rather than punishment.

Over time, practising mindful unblending helps you build a different relationship with criticism and anxiety. Instead of being overwhelmed or controlled by these parts, you learn to listen to them, reassure them, and lead with greater steadiness and self-trust.

Step 3: Start Small and Build a Bridge

If kitchen anxiety makes cooking feel overwhelming, start with very small steps. You do not need to prepare full meals right away.

Simple starting points include making a cup of tea or coffee, toast, soup, pizza, or noodles.

Choose foods that would feel comfortable to eat in your room if needed. This reduces pressure and helps your nervous system feel safer.

Keeping easy snacks available in your room can also help (nuts, biscuits, dried fruit, crackers).

Eating something is always better than eating nothing. Each small step deserves acknowledgement and it’s ok to go at a slow pace.

Cooking Once and Eating Over a Few Days

If repeated kitchen use increases kitchen anxiety, consider cooking one larger meal and eating it over a few days. This allows you to nourish yourself while limiting exposure to the kitchen.

This is not avoidance, it is working within your current limits. Knowing your limits builds trust with yourself and reduces internal conflict.

Remind yourself that this situation is temporary. You do not need to solve everything at once.

Cooking Mindfulness as a Way to Calm Anxiety

Have you ever noticed how chopping vegetables can feel unexpectedly calming? The steady rhythm, the fresh smells, and the focus required to keep your fingers safe can bring you into the present moment. This is mindfulness for kitchen anxiety, happening naturally in your kitchen.

For people who struggle with traditional meditation, cooking mindfulness offers a practical alternative. Cooking engages multiple senses at once, touch, smell, sight, sound, and taste. This sensory input interrupts anxious thought loops and shifts the brain away from constant worry.

Unlike scrolling on your phone or watching television, cooking requires gentle attention and participation. This makes it a powerful tool for calming kitchen anxiety without feeling like another task on your list.

Simple Mindfulness Techniques While Cooking

Start with sensory awareness. As you cook vegetables, notice the colours, the textures, the smells and what it feels like. Sensory grounding brings attention out of anxious thoughts and back into the body.

You can also pair breathing with movement. Try inhaling as you lift a spoon or knife, and exhaling as you stir or chop. Longer exhales activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which reduces anxiety symptoms.

Creating a calmer environment can help too. Listen to calming, gentle music and even cleaning as you go can become mindful. Notice the sensation of soap, the transformation from dirty to clean, and the sense of order returning and clearing the mental and physical space.

Turning Everyday Meals Into Mindful Moments

Choose recipes that are hands-on but not overwhelming. One-pot meals, simple stir-fries, or soups work well. You might decide that one meal a day is your mindful cooking time, focusing on the process rather than perfection.

When anxiety is high, fifteen minutes of mindful cooking can act as a reset. Over time, this practice builds resilience and helps reduce kitchen anxiety by teaching your nervous system that the kitchen can be a safe place.

Mindful eating afterwards extends the practice, creating a full cycle of presence from preparation to nourishment.

Social Anxiety and Conflict Avoidance

Kitchen anxiety often overlaps with social anxiety and conflict avoidance. You may have parts of you that believe it is safer to stay invisible or avoid taking up space.

If it feels manageable, gently practise small interactions. Saying hello or asking how someone is doing can help challenge fears without overwhelming yourself. Each time you do this, you gather evidence that anxiety does not always match reality.

Noticing when feared outcomes do not occur helps reduce the intensity of future anxiety.

Step 4: Healing Kitchen Anxiety with IFS Therapy

Internal Family Systems therapy works by befriending anxious parts, rather than trying to get rid of them or force them to change. With kitchen anxiety, there is often an anxious protector trying to prevent embarrassment or conflict, a critical part attempting to keep you in line, and exiled parts carrying shame or fear of judgment.

Instead of seeing these parts as problems, IFS invites you to approach them with curiosity and care. By getting to know them, listening to their concerns, and appreciating their protective intentions, you begin to build trusting relationships with them. This process creates a sense of internal safety, where parts no longer feel they have to work so hard to protect you.

Befriending your parts sends a message of safety to your nervous system, allowing anxiety to soften as your body and mind settle.

As these parts feel seen, understood, and supported, their intensity naturally softens. Avoidance becomes less necessary, and new options begin to open up. This internal shift often makes external situations, such as using a shared kitchen, feel more manageable and less threatening.

Healing Kitchen Anxiety with IFS Therapy in Newcastle, UK

Internal Family Systems therapy offers a powerful, compassionate, and structured way to explore kitchen anxiety, understand its roots, and find inner refuge. In Newcastle, UK, I provide a warm, affirming, and collaborative space for this work, available both in person and online.

You can begin your journey with kitchen anxiety therapy work in three simple steps.

1. Reach out to arrange a free, 15-minute consultation.

2. Talk with me about what you hope to explore in therapy. This informal conversation helps us connect and see if we are a good fit to work together.

3. Begin internal family systems for kitchen anxiety and start building a stronger, kinder, and more empowered relationship with yourself.

Through this work, you can release patterns of self-criticism, avoidance, anxiety and create a safe internal refuge. 

Healing begins within, and from there, you can cultivate mindful eating rituals, mindful cooking rituals, improve your nutrition and feel less anxious.

Internal Family Systems Shame Work: Healing the Weight of Feeling Different and Finding Your Edge

Shame is one of the most pervasive and misunderstood emotions in mental health. Many struggles with depression, anxiety, trauma, and low self-esteem are rooted in unprocessed shame. Shame whispers, “Am I broken?”, “Am I flawed?”, “Am I cursed or irredeemable?” It is dense, heavy, and persistent, shaping how we see ourselves, others, and the world.

Internal family systems shame offers a compassionate framework for exploring shame, understanding how it develops, and building a gentler relationship with the parts of ourselves that carry this weight. It also helps us recognize how shame is often passed down across generations, creating patterns that affect family systems and relationships long after the original source.

Origins of Shame

Shame is not innate. Children are not born feeling ashamed of themselves. Instead, it is learned, absorbed, and internalized, often within the family. In many cases, there is a legacy burden of shame passed down through generations. If a parent was raised in a controlling, critical, or abusive home, they may have learned that love and safety are conditional, and that authority is maintained through shame. Without conscious processing, these patterns are often repeated, and children absorb them as normal ways relationships work.

Dysfunctional caregivers who have not healed their own trauma may inadvertently pass shame down, using it as a form of behavioral control. Children quickly learn the rules of acceptability: how to behave, what to feel, and when love is conditional. When love is conditional, children must adapt to earn approval. They become attuned to others’ moods, suppress their own needs, and develop survival strategies that, while protective in childhood, can create long-term patterns of self-abandonment.

Over time, these internalized experiences form core exiles, a concept Dick Schwartz refers to in Internal Family Systems. Core exiles carry the shame and fear absorbed from early relational environments. Younger exiles are especially vulnerable; they often internalize the belief that they are “bad” or “unlovable” in order to survive in an unsafe or critical environment.

This intergenerational transmission of shame shows how deeply embedded these patterns can become. Children absorb the narratives of disapproval and conditional love, carrying them forward into adulthood, often unconsciously.

Experiences That Create Shame

Shame often deepens and becomes more complex through life experiences that reinforce the messages we internalized in childhood. While early experiences with caregivers lay the foundation, later events can reactivate or intensify shame. Common experiences that contribute to ongoing shame include:

• Estrangement from family, being disconnected from caregivers or siblings can create a sense of unworthiness and reinforce the belief that you don’t belong
  
• Trauma and PTSD, exposure to traumatic events, including accidents, violence, or abuse, leaves deep emotional scars that are often carried as shame
  
• Abusive relationships, emotional, physical, or psychological abuse in intimate relationships teaches the mind to associate closeness with danger and self-blame
  
• Neglect, lack of emotional attunement, validation, or care reinforces the message that your needs don’t matter
  
• Bullying or sexual harassment, repeated criticism, humiliation, or violation instills feelings of being flawed, unworthy, or unsafe
  
• Ostracism due to narcissistic parents, children of controlling or manipulative caregivers often experience exclusion from family or community, leaving them internalizing rejection and isolation

All of these experiences can reinforce the narrative that we are flawed, unlovable, or inherently “wrong.” When shame is compounded by repeated invalidation or trauma, it becomes dense, heavy, and carried deep into adulthood.

The Vulnerability of Shame

Shame doesn’t just affect how we feel internally—it shapes how we relate to others and how others relate to us. One of the reasons shame is so insidious is that it makes us vulnerable. When shame is active, we may:

• Feel guilty for asserting boundaries or saying no
  
• Hesitate to put our own needs first
  
• Become easily manipulated, controlled, or coerced by others
  
• Attract abusive or controlling relationships because familiarity feels safer than the unknown

Shame teaches us that our desires or self-expression might be unsafe. It creates a blindspot, a naivety about how others may exploit vulnerability. Because abuse, narcissism, and control may have been familiar patterns early in life, we can unconsciously seek out similar dynamics, even when they are harmful.

This vulnerability is not a personal failing. It is a learned adaptation, a survival strategy that once helped us navigate unsafe relationships. Internal family systems shame work helps us notice these patterns, understand their protective intent, and begin to build safety and resilience internally.

Signs of Shame

Shame can manifest in many ways, often subtly but profoundly shaping behavior and self-perception. Common signs include:

• Constant self-doubt, guilt, or critical self-talk
  
• People-pleasing and difficulty asserting boundaries
  
• Fawning or caretaking behaviors to gain approval
  
• Chronic feelings of unworthiness or failure
  
• Difficulty expressing authentic emotions
  
• Perfectionism or overachievement as a shield from criticism
  
• Social withdrawal or fear of judgment

Shame is often present even when we appear confident externally. It hums in the background, influencing decisions, coloring relationships, and limiting our ability to be fully seen and known.

Protectors and Exiles in Internal Family Systems Shame

Internal family systems shame work focuses on understanding how different parts of us interact around shame. In IFS, we distinguish between:

Protector parts – these parts manage or contain shame. They can take the form of inner critics, perfectionist voices, guilt-driven parts, caretakers, people-pleasers, or self-doubters. Protectors develop in response to early family environments and often carry the internalized rules of caregivers, including generational patterns of shame. They act to shield vulnerable exiles, often in ways that feel harsh or controlling internally. Their intention is protective, not punitive.

Exile parts – these are the younger, vulnerable parts of ourselves that carry the original shame. Exiles may hold memories of being criticized, punished, or rejected, along with internalized messages of being “unworthy” or “not good enough.” Many exiles carry intergenerational shame, inherited from caregivers who themselves were shamed, criticized, or controlled.

The dynamic is usually twofold: protectors attempt to keep shame buried to avoid pain or further rejection, while exiles continue to carry the weight of unprocessed shame. Internal family systems shame work helps create a relationship between these parts, guided by curiosity and Self-energy, rather than judgment.

A Gentle Process for Internal Family Systems Shame Work

Internal family systems shame work begins with curiosity, presence, and compassion. We are not trying to fix anything. Instead, the goal is noticing and building a relationship with the parts that carry shame and the parts that protect us.

Find a quiet, safe space. Sit comfortably and breathe slowly. Allow your body to arrive in the moment. Notice tension, tightness, or restlessness.

Recall a mild moment of shame. Think of a situation where a thought arose like, “I don’t belong here,” or “I’m a freak.” It doesn’t need to be intense; even a 3 or 4 out of 10 is enough to begin exploring your inner system.

Bring awareness to your body. Notice sensations. Maybe your chest feels heavy, your stomach tightens, your shoulders slump, or your head feels foggy. These are somatic signatures of the shame.

Notice internal voices. You may hear a voice criticizing you, saying “You’re not good enough,” or urging you to hide or control yourself. This is a protector part trying to anticipate criticism or rejection. At the same time, you may sense a younger, vulnerable part whispering, “I don’t belong here. I’m a freak. I’m unworthy.” This is the exile carrying shame.

Stay present with both parts. Rather than trying to fix anything, just observe. Notice the protector’s attempts to keep shame buried, and the exile’s pain. The goal is to build a relationship with both: the part that feels like a freak or doesn’t belong, and the part that is trying, in its own way, to protect you by criticizing you, preempting potential rejection.

Unblend from the part. Shift your language from, “I don’t belong,” to, “I notice a part of me that feels like they don’t belong.” This allows curiosity and compassion to enter. It moves you from blended with a part, to having a relationship with a part and creates new neural connections in the brain.

Bring curiosity. Gently ask the exile, “How long have you carried this? What are you protecting me from?” Ask the protector, “How are you helping me survive?” Allow answers to emerge as sensations, words, or images.

Offer compassion. Recognize that the protector has a positive intent, even if its methods are painful. The exile may need only to be seen, heard, and held.

Return to Self-energy. Self-energy is your calm, curious, compassionate presence. It can witness and hold these experiences without being overwhelmed. Bring this presence to both protector and exile, offering care and patience.

Healing Shame Is Not Linear

Like everything in internal family systems shame work, healing is about building relationships with the parts carrying shame and the parts protecting you. Over time, these parts can unburden themselves, releasing toxic messages internalized from caregivers, culture, or community. They can reconnect with their original state, often curiosity, joy, creativity, or connection.

There will be ups and downs. Some days feel lighter, others heavier. Progress is not linear, and that’s okay. Returning with curiosity and kindness, noticing small shifts, is what allows the system to integrate and heal.

If you recognize your own experience in this, know that you are not alone. Shame thrives in secrecy and silence. Naming it, acknowledging it, and turning toward it with compassionate curiosity sets the stage for it to gradually lose its grip. Healing begins with relationship, patience, and self-compassion.

From Outcast to Owning Your Edge

Many people carrying shame grow up feeling different, awkward, or “too much.” You may have felt like an outcast, like something about you was wrong or unlovable. Shame whispers, “You don’t belong here,” and over time, it can make you shrink, hide, or change yourself to fit in. But internal family systems shame work offers a way to reclaim that energy and transform it into power.

When you begin to integrate the parts of yourself that carry shame, something remarkable happens. The voice that says, “I’m too weird” or “I don’t fit” doesn’t disappear, but it no longer controls your life. You start to see that being different isn’t a flaw – it’s a unique edge, a signature energy that only you carry. You develop a presence that people notice, a quiet confidence that doesn’t seek approval or validation.

This is the essence of taking your power back: “This is me, take it or leave it. I belong to myself, and I won’t lose or abandon myself for anyone else’s acceptance.” You begin to honor your own space, instead of shrinking to fit the expectations of others. Integrating shame allows you to feel the fullness of your individuality and accept your eccentric and free-spirited nature. It transforms the old “I’m flawed” narrative into, “I am my own edge”.

Shame, once heavy and limiting, becomes a teacher and a guide. It shows you where your edges are, where your sensitivity lies, and where your courage is required. When you carry that energy fully, you develop a presence that is magnetic and grounded. People sense it, even if they don’t fully understand it and carry less about what people think. 

Integrating shame is about self-ownership. It’s about saying: “I belong to me. I am enough. I won’t abandon myself to gain acceptance. I can be fully seen, and I can stand in my truth.” From outcast to owning your edge, this work empowers you to live with authenticity, resilience, and unapologetic self-respect.

Internal Family Systems Shame Work in Newcastle, UK

Internal family systems shame work offers a powerful, compassionate, and structured way to explore shame, understand its roots, and reclaim your inner strength. In Newcastle, UK, I provide a warm, affirming, and collaborative space for this work, available both in person and online.

You can begin your journey with internal family systems shame work in three simple steps:

1. Reach out to arrange a free, 15-minute consultation.
   
2. Talk with me about what you hope to explore in therapy. This informal conversation helps us connect and see if we are a good fit to work together.
   
3. Begin internal family systems shame work and start building a stronger, kinder, and more empowered relationship with yourself.

Through this work, you can release patterns of self-criticism, strengthen your internal sense of safety, and cultivate emotional resilience. You can reclaim the energy previously tied up in shame and begin to show up authentically in your life. This process allows you to set healthier boundaries, nurture deeper connections, and live with confidence, self-respect, and a sense of belonging to yourself first. Healing begins within, and from there, you can step fully into your life with courage, clarity, and presence.

Internal Family Systems Abandonment Work – Healing Early Wounds with Compassion

Abandonment is one of the most profound and formative human experiences. It can leave a person feeling unsafe, unseen, or fundamentally unworthy. The abandonment wound often begins in childhood, but it can continue to affect adult relationships, self perception, and the ability to feel secure and loved.

Internal Family Systems abandonment work offers a gentle, compassionate framework for understanding these deep emotional wounds. Rather than seeing abandonment as a personal flaw, IFS helps us explore the parts of ourselves that carry fear, grief, or mistrust. These parts are not broken. They are adaptations designed to protect the system from further hurt.

By exploring internal family systems abandonment work, people can begin to release old patterns, reparent their younger exiles, and create healthier relationships both internally and externally. This blog explores abandonment and attachment, signs of abandonment wounds, breaking self abandonment and the internal family systems abandonment work process.

Abandonment and Attachment

From the moment we are born, we rely on consistent care and connection to survive. Attachment is not optional. It is the foundation of emotional regulation, safety, and trust. When a child’s needs for love, attention, and attunement are not met, the nervous system interprets this as a threat to survival.

Abandonment in early life can create intense feelings of helplessness. As a child, you are unable to protect or provide for yourself. You rely entirely on caregivers to meet your emotional and physical needs. When those needs are unmet, the system can feel unsafe, alone, and unworthy. This is the root of the abandonment wound.

These early experiences often leave lasting imprints on the psyche. The nervous system remains hyper vigilant to potential threats of neglect or rejection, and protective parts emerge to try to manage the fear and pain. Over time, these patterns can affect friendships, romantic relationships, family dynamics, and the ability to trust oneself and others.

Signs of an Abandonment Wound

The effects of an abandonment wound can manifest in subtle or obvious ways. Common signs include:

• Anxiety in relationships, often manifesting as fear of rejection or preoccupation with a partner’s attention
  
• Difficulty trusting others or feeling safe in relationships
  
• Patterns of self isolation or self sabotage
  
• Difficulty setting boundaries or maintaining emotional regulation
  
• Chronic feelings of unworthiness, shame, or inadequacy

• Attraction to emotionally unavailable partners 

• Staying in unhealthy relationships past the due date 

Understanding these signs through the lens of internal family systems abandonment work helps us recognise that these are not flaws, but protective adaptations that once kept us safe.

Breaking Self-Abandonment

Self abandonment is the continuation of the early wound into adulthood. It happens when we stay in relationships that are not safe, supportive, or steady, when we ignore our own needs, or when we prioritise others’ approval over our own wellbeing.

Staying in such dynamics is a form of self harm. It reinforces anxiety, depression, and feelings of emotional pain. Internal family systems abandonment work helps us recognise these patterns and develop a more compassionate relationship with ourselves. We learn that taking care of our needs, honouring boundaries, and choosing supportive connections is not selfish—it is essential for healing.

Breaking self abandonment involves both internal work and practical change. It means identifying parts that have been protecting us through people pleasing, overthinking, or avoidance. It also means taking tangible steps to create safer, more nourishing environments in our external lives.

What a Process of Internal Family Systems Abandonment Work Looks Like

In internal family systems abandonment work, the first step is often building a relationship with protective parts. Common protectors include:

• Overthinking parts that ruminate on what might happen as we don’t have certainty and stability in our lives
  
• People pleasing parts that try to secure connection at the cost of authenticity
  
• Anxiety parts that anticipate rejection or loss
  
• Avoidant parts that don’t communicate our needs and boundaries

An IFS professional helps the client approach these parts with curiosity and compassion rather than judgement. We learn that these parts are trying to keep the system safe, even if their strategies create challenges in relationships or self perception. 

Instead of judging our parts and being critical towards ourselves, IFS therapy helps people to “befriend” their parts and see that these protector parts are trying to protect them from hurt. For example, when we have a fear of abandonment, we will overthink in relationships and struggle with uncertainty. When we can go through the process of experiential therapy where we have a felt-sense experience of love and compassion towards ourselves, we can reduce internal conflict and create more self-compassion towards ourselves.

Next, the work turns to the younger exiles carrying the abandonment wound. These parts may hold grief, fear, or loneliness from early experiences of neglect or rejection. By gently connecting with these exiles, the client can begin to release trapped emotional energy, and provide care, attention, and validation that was unavailable in childhood.

Through this process, the internal system becomes more integrated. Protective parts feel less burdened, and exiles experience greater safety and healing. This internal work then supports healthier external relationships, as the adult self becomes capable of setting boundaries, expressing needs, and cultivating secure attachments.

Building Secure Attachment to Self and Reparenting Younger Exiles

A core component of healing internal family systems abandonment is developing a secure internal attachment. This involves nurturing and reparenting the younger exiles that carry abandonment trauma.

Through IFS therapy, clients learn to:

• Offer empathy and care to exiled parts that feel unloved or unworthy
  
• Listen to the fears and needs of protective parts without being overwhelmed
  
• Establish trust with themselves by consistently meeting their own emotional needs

• Set boundaries in relationships to advocate for our emotional needs and boundaries 

This internal attachment provides a foundation for healthier external connections. When the internal system feels safe, the adult self can engage with others from a place of security rather than neediness or fear.

Letting Go of Self Abandonment Patterns

Letting go of self abandonment opens space for peace and fulfillment. This involves shifting focus toward relationships, careers, hobbies, and activities that nourish and sustain us. It also includes releasing codependent patterns, such as guilt after setting boundaries shaped by early experiences of abandonment.

It is important to recognise that the abandoned inner child often seeks resolution in external relationships. Without internal healing, this search can lead to attracting unhealthy dynamics, repeating trauma, or relying on others for validation. Internal family systems abandonment work empowers clients to reclaim their power internally, so adult selves can make healthier relationship choices from a grounded place.

This process helps create stability in life—emotional stability, supportive friendships, and a sense of purpose. When internal needs are met, clients often find they can trust others to enter their lives in steady, healthy, and nurturing ways.

Creating More Stability and Fulfilment

By addressing abandonment wounds internally, clients gain greater emotional regulation and resilience. This stability allows them to focus on meaningful aspects of life, including:

• Cultivating supportive friendships
  
• Advancing in careers or personal projects
  
• Exploring hobbies and passions
  
• Engaging in activities that provide purpose and joy

With a more grounded internal system, clients are better able to attract and maintain healthy relationships, rather than being drawn repeatedly into unsafe dynamics. Internal family systems abandonment work creates a foundation for both internal and external stability.

What Is IFS Therapy?

Internal Family Systems therapy, developed by Richard Schwartz, is an evidence-based, trauma informed approach. It is based on the understanding that the mind is made up of multiple parts, each with its own perspective, memories, and emotions.

Some parts are protective, seeking to manage fear or pain. Others may be younger exiles, holding unmet needs or past trauma. At the center of the system is the Self—a calm, compassionate, and curious presence capable of leading and integrating parts.

IFS therapy helps clients differentiate between Self and parts, understand the roles of protective parts, and heal exiled parts carrying trauma. In the context of abandonment, IFS provides a framework to explore and release old patterns, strengthen internal attachment, and build healthier relationships externally.

Unburdening the Abandonment Wound

Unburdening is a central process in internal family systems abandonment work. This involves helping exiles release the heavy emotions and beliefs they carry, such as fear, loneliness, and self blame.

Through guided attention and compassionate presence, clients learn to:

• Acknowledge and validate the emotional experience of abandonment
  
• Release old beliefs such as, I am unworthy, I am unlovable, or I will always be alone
  
• Restore balance in the system by allowing protective parts to relax once they trust the Self

Unburdening leads to a sense of relief, freedom, and internal cohesion. Clients often report feeling lighter, more present, and more capable of forming secure attachments both within themselves and with others.

Internal Family Systems Abandonment Work in Newcastle, UK

Internal family systems abandonment work offers a gentle and effective way to explore the deep emotional impact of early neglect, estrangement, or trauma. In Newcastle, UK, I offer a warm, affirming, and collaborative therapeutic space for this work. I also offer online therapy.

You can begin your therapy journey with internal family systems abandonment by following these simple steps:

1. Get in touch to arrange a free, 15 minute consultation.

2. Speak with me about what you are hoping to explore in therapy. This is an informal conversation to see if we resonate and whether we would be a good fit working together.

3. Begin internal family systems abandonment therapy and start nurturing a more compassionate, integrated, and connected relationship with yourself.

Through this work, you can release self abandonment patterns, strengthen internal attachment, emotional regulation, stability and create space for healthier, more fulfilling relationships externally. Healing is possible, and it begins from within.