How to Become Securely Attached

Are you tired of feeling anxious and insecure in your relationships? Do you want to create more emotional safety in a relationship and create a healthy attachment in a relationship? If so, learning how to become securely attached may be the key to unlocking healthier, happier connections.

But first, let’s look at attachment theory

Attachment theory, which was first developed by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s, suggests that a child’s early relationship with their caregivers has a lasting impact on how they approach social interactions and relationships throughout their life.

According to Bowlby, the first social bond that a child forms is with their caregivers, typically their parents.

This early bond shapes the child’s developing brain and lays the foundation for their perceptions of social interactions and relationships.

A warm and nurturing environment, where caregivers are responsive to the child’s emotional needs, leads to the formation of a secure bond, known as secure attachment. This teaches the child that their emotions and needs will be recognised and supported, and that people can generally be trusted.

Conversely, if a child perceives that their needs are not being met, they may struggle to build a secure and stable bond with their caregivers. This can result in a distorted perception of relationships and how they function, potentially leading to difficulties in forming healthy social connections later in life.

Understand your attachment style

As you embark on your journey in learning how to become securely attached, it’s important to first understand your current attachment style. Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and emotion that influence how we interact with others in our relationships. There are four main attachment styles:

Anxious attachment style (also known as ambivalent or preoccupied): Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to be emotionally expressive, highly sensitive to rejection, and may require constant reassurance from their partner.

Avoidant attachment style (also known as dismissive or fearful-avoidant): Those with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with emotional intimacy and may distance themselves from their partners when feeling vulnerable.

Disorganized attachment style (also known as fearful-avoidant): This attachment style is characterized by a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviors, leading to a confusing push-and-pull dynamic in relationships.

Secure attachment style: Securely attached individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and rely on their partners while maintaining their own independence. They can effectively communicate their needs and are empathetic to their partner’s emotions.

Understanding your attachment style will help you identify areas for personal growth and development as you work towards secure attachment.

Take our attachment style quiz or reflect on your past relationships to gain insight into your current patterns.

2. Become aware of your patterns

As you embark on your journey to become securely attached, an important step is to recognize and understand your relationship patterns. Identifying these patterns can help you make more informed decisions about future partnerships and pinpoint areas for personal growth. For example, you might notice a tendency to be drawn to avoidant partners who have difficulty expressing their thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This can create a dynamic where you feel emotionally unsupported or deprived of the intimacy you crave.

Similarly, you may find yourself repeatedly engaging in relationships with emotionally immature individuals who struggle to handle their own emotions, let alone provide the emotional support you need. In these situations, attempts to communicate your feelings and needs might be met with defensiveness or resistance, leading to an anxious-avoidant relationship cycle. By becoming aware of these patterns, you can begin to challenge them and seek out partners who are better equipped to create secure, emotionally fulfilling connections with you.

Our relationship choices are often influenced by unconscious patterns and dynamics that have roots in our early childhood experiences. If you grew up with a parent who struggled to empathize, provide emotional support, or be present with your feelings, you might find yourself unconsciously drawn to avoidant partners who recreate these familiar relationship patterns.

This tendency to seek out partners who mirror our unmet needs is an attempt to heal the younger version of ourselves who may have felt unseen, unheard, unloved, and unsupported. By recognizing this pattern, you can start to make more conscious relationship choices and prioritize partners who are emotionally available and capable of providing the secure attachment you desire.

It’s important to remember that healing and growth are possible, even in the face of past relationship struggles or childhood experiences. With awareness, intention, and self-compassion, you can work towards breaking free from old patterns and cultivating secure, fulfilling connections.

3. Set boundaries

As you progress on your journey to become securely attached, it’s essential to learn how to set boundaries that protect you from unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Say for example you’re getting to know someone new and they’re inconsistent and poor in their communication. If you’re someone with an anxious attachment style, you might start asking “why?” and over-analysing their behaviour. You might also become attached to their potential and stick around hoping things will change. You might even notice signs of unavailability and have a gut feeling that they’re not emotionally available, but you ignore your gut.

A part of learning how to become securely attached is instead of asking why and staying in your head, and feeling anxious because they’re is a lack of trust in the relationship, you want to learn to set boundaries to prevent bare minimum relationships.

Some of these boundaries might be:

I will not tolerate inconsistency.

I will disengage when there is poor communication.

I will not chase someone who doesn’t reciprocate my investment.

3. Not downplaying your needs

An important aspect of learning how to become securely attached is to honor your needs and avoid downplaying them in your relationships.

Relationship breakdowns frequently occur when you are hesitant to express your needs, thoughts, and feelings. This reluctance can stem from a fear of vulnerability, a desire to avoid conflict, or a belief that your emotions and needs are unimportant.

However, continually suppressing your needs and emotions can lead to a buildup of unresolved feelings that damage the relationship’s foundation over time.

Engaging in this pattern of self-abandonment can generate feelings of anxiety, anger, and resentment, gradually eroding the emotional intimacy within the relationship.

Partners may become emotionally distant as they struggle to understand each other’s unspoken needs and concerns. This lack of communication often results in feelings of neglect, loneliness, and dissatisfaction, as the fundamental emotional needs of one or both partners are left unfulfilled.

To prevent these issues and learn how to become securely attached, it’s important to practice open and honest communication and making requests for your needs to be met, so you can deepen the emotional intimacy in your relationship.

4. Choose secure partners

Choosing secure partners is a vital step towards learning how to become securely attached. Secure partners are emotionally available, consistent, and respectful of your boundaries and needs. They contribute to a sense of safety, trust, and stability within the relationship, which fosters secure attachment.

To identify secure partners, pay attention to their communication style and behavior. Secure individuals are open, honest, and willing to share their thoughts and feelings. They are receptive to your emotions and needs, and actively work to create a balanced partnership. Secure partners also demonstrate consistency in their words and actions, building trust and dependability within the relationship. By prioritizing these qualities when choosing a partner, you can increase the likelihood of establishing secure attachment and creating a strong, fulfilling connection.

One of the significant benefits of having a secure partner is their ability to serve as a role model for secure attachment behaviors. Through their consistent actions and emotional availability, secure partners can help coach you towards becoming more secure in your relationships. As you observe and experience their healthy communication, respect for boundaries, and willingness to work through conflicts, you can learn to embody these qualities in your own interactions.

By demonstrating secure attachment behaviors, your partner can provide a supportive environment where you can practice and develop these skills. Over time, this positive influence can contribute to your personal growth and help you build healthier, more secure connections in all areas of your life. In essence, a secure partner can serve as a valuable relationship coach, guiding you towards a more secure attachment style through their example and support.

5. Learn how to self-soothe

Another critical aspect of learning how to become securely attached is learning to manage and express your emotions effectively.

Emotional regulation is essential for maintaining healthy relationships, as it allows you to navigate conflicts, communicate your needs, and build trust with your partner.

People with an anxious attachment style often struggle with self-soothing because they haven’t had healthy emotional regulation modeled for them in the past. As a result, when they experience anxiety or overthinking, they find it challenging to regulate their emotions effectively.

This difficulty in self-soothing can lead to a reliance on others for emotional support, which may create codependency and further exacerbate anxiety within relationships.

However, by recognising this pattern and developing emotional regulation skills, those with an anxious style can learn to self-soothe more effectively. Through practices such as mindfulness, self-awareness, and identifying healthy coping mechanisms, they can build emotional resilience and reduce their dependence on external sources of comfort. This newfound emotional self-reliance can help shift their attachment style towards security, fostering healthier, more balanced relationships.

6. Learn how to resolve conflicts

Resolving conflicts and engaging in difficult conversations are crucial learning how to become securely attached in your relationships. Securely attached individuals approach these situations with empathy, assertiveness, and a focus on collaboration.

To navigate conflicts effectively, it’s essential to choose the right timing when both partners are calm and receptive.

Set a collaborative tone by using “we” language and focusing on finding mutually beneficial solutions. Practice active listening to understand your partner’s perspective and express your own feelings and needs using “I” statements.

Being open to compromise is key in these situations. By negotiating and collaborating, you can find solutions that meet both of your needs, strengthening your emotional bond. This approach reinforces trust, understanding, and emotional intimacy, ultimately contributing to a more secure and fulfilling connection.

7. Develop a strong sense of self

Developing a strong sense of self and self-confidence is essential for learning how to become securely attached in your relationships. This involves understanding and embracing your needs, boundaries, values, and goals while cultivating self-acceptance.

Begin by exploring your personal needs and boundaries. Reflect on what makes you feel fulfilled, secure, and respected in relationships, and communicate these needs to your partner. Similarly, establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being and create a sense of safety in your connections with others.

Understanding your core values and goals provides a foundation for your identity and purpose. Align your actions and decisions with these principles to foster authenticity and self-assurance. Additionally, practice self-compassion and acceptance by acknowledging your unique qualities, strengths, and areas for growth. By embracing your true self, you can build the confidence and emotional resilience necessary for secure attachment in your relationships.

8. Build a secure internal attachment

Building a secure internal attachment with younger versions of yourself that experience anxiety, fear of abandonment, overthinking, and neglect is an essential step towards learning how to become securely attached in your relationships. This process involves acknowledging, nurturing, and reparenting your inner child to address unmet emotional needs and heal past wounds.

Start by recognizing the experiences and emotions of your younger self with empathy and compassion. Allow yourself to feel and process these emotions without judgment, validating the pain and fear they carry. By providing this emotional support, you begin to build trust and security within your internal attachment system.

Next, engage in reparenting activities to nurture and soothe your inner child. This can involve creating a safe space for self-expression, offering reassuring affirmations, or participating in self-care practices that promote relaxation and security. By consistently attending to your inner child’s needs, you can foster a sense of safety and secure attachment within yourself, ultimately laying the foundation for healthier connections with others.

9. Develop groundedness

Developing groundedness is a crucial step in learning how to become securely attached. Unresolved hurt from the past can create emotional barriers, preventing you from forming deep connections with others.

By addressing and resolving these past hurts, you can establish a stronger sense of self and build healthier relationships.

To heal from emotional trauma, it’s essential to create a safe and supportive environment for self-exploration and emotional processing. This may involve learning somatic techniques, engaging in self-care practices, and building a sense of inner support. Through gentle mindfulness techniques, you can develop inner safety and heal the root causes of not feeling grounded.

By healing past emotional wounds, you can develop a greater sense of groundedness in the present. This emotional stability enables you to engage more fully in relationships, cultivating trust, vulnerability, and secure attachment.

With a foundation of self-awareness and resilience, you can navigate life’s challenges with confidence and create fulfilling connections with others.

Our course Heal Insecure Attachment provides invaluable guidance and support for to heal attachment wounds and develop secure states.

Through a combination of expert-led workshops, subconscious reprogramming, and guidance, you can learn to how to become securely attached.

How to become securely attached

While conventional self-help methods like journaling, affirmations, and workbooks can provide valuable insights into attachment theory, they often fall short in addressing the long-term challenges associated with signs of anxious attachment. The key issue lies in the fact that attachment trauma primarily resides in the subconscious, requiring a deeper approach to target its core.

To effectively overcome the signs of anxious attachment, it is crucial to adopt a subconscious-focused strategy that cultivates inner stability and resilience. By addressing the root causes of attachment trauma and fostering a secure, self-assured foundation, individuals can experience transformative growth and build healthier relationships that flourish over time.

Our Heal Insecure Attachment course leads participants through the process of managing anxiety and healing their inner child, enabling the release of stored emotional energy and nurturing a profound sense of security from within. This comprehensive course features over 6 hours of video content and therapeutic meditations, offering practical tools to explore subconscious patterns contributing to signs of anxious attachment and facilitate their integration.

By embracing this somatic and emotion-focused approach, participants can address the core issues underlying anxious attachment, paving the way for secure relationships and a more balanced, fulfilling life.

View our Heal Insecure Attachment course to embark on a journey of self-discovery, inner healing, and personal growth. By tackling the signs of anxious attachment at their source, individuals can develop a secure internal attachment style that lays the foundation for healthier relationships and overall well-being.

View Heal Insecure Attachment Course

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